Malcolm in the Middle S2E22 Script

Mini-Bike (2001)

Oh, my God. Hal, look at this.

We still have a Christmas present for one of the boys.

I wonder what it is.

Reese ever get that football jersey?

I can't remember.

Well, you know, honey, the boys got so much for Christmas last year, they don't even appreciate what they have.

If we save it for his birthday, it'll be that much more special.

Hal, this one's for you.

Oh, boy! You did get me that DVD player I've been hoping for.

I thought you forgot.

To be honest with you, I've been holding a grudge for months.

Now I get to watch all those DVDs I've got hidden in the garage.


Jumper cables.

Thank you, honey.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Craig has been in there for 45 minutes.

♪ God, I hope I get it ♪

♪ I hope I get it ♪

♪ How many people does he need? ♪ How long is he going to be living with us?

Look, we have to be patient with him.

We burned the man's house down.

♪ How many boys, how many girls? ♪

♪ He doesn't like the way I look ♪

♪ He doesn't like the way I dance ♪

♪ He doesn't like the way... ♪ That's it, we're opening the door.

Someone go get me a coat hanger.

I did that yesterday, Dad.

Trust me, don't go in there.

He's done when he's done.

Hey, everyone.

Say good morning, Jellybean.

Oh... dear Lord.

We burned his house down.

You know, I'm really excited about this father-son weekend at Marlin.

Spend some time with Francis, do some male bonding, maybe even a survival hike.

You have your fluffy pillow?

Right here.

I'm really going to miss you.


Come with me.

I can't. I'm not allowed.

It's fathers and sons only.

Well, I'll hide you.

No one will know.

You can be my dirty little secret.

Now this is nice.

And don't you worry about a thing, Hal.

I'll take as good care of your house as you did mine.

I'm just kidding.

I won't burn your house down.

But that's all in the past. Totally forgotten.

Better get going, though. Don't want to be late.


Bye, honey.

Bye. Bye.

Uh, Lois, I'm aware this isn't the most comfortable situation here, having me around all the time, the forbidden fruit, as it were.

Especially now, with Hal gone.

Yeah, Craig, it's not... But, shh...

Whatever feelings we shared... that's in the past.

That part of us is dead now.

Craig, I... Shh, shh, shh!

Let's not rekindle this.

You know, if you're not allowed to keep a squirrel in your locker, they should put up a sign.

I'm not psychic. I can't read minds.


No, Dewey, let's go.

No, it's a minibike.

Someone's just throwing it away?

Man, that would be so cool to have.

Wait! Wait!


You can't throw that out.


It's a piece of trash.

What are you talking about?

That's not trash.

You don't know what trash is.

I am a garbage man.

Look, why don't you give us the bike?

Maybe we can fix it up or something.

What's it worth to you?

What? We don't have any money.

You were just about to throw it away.

Give you 30 bucks.


Where'd you get 30 bucks?

What are you, a cop?

Hey, Lois.

Just fighting Father Time.

Craig, I have to work late tonight.

Would you mind feeding the boys?

No problem.


So, uh, I'm in charge, then?

All you have to do is fix them some dinner. Right.

But I'm completely in charge.

They got to listen to me.

Dance for me.

That's right, dance. Why?

'Cause I'm in charge, that's why.

We burned his house down.

Look at it. It was just dirty.

The paint job's perfect.

And all it needs is a spark plug and a carburetor and it'll be working.

We can get that stuff off Dad's lawnmower.

This minibike is the coolest thing we've ever had in our lives.

This totally makes up for all the years of crap.

This is the only thing we've ever shared.

This is the only thing we've had that's worth sharing.

The first thing I'm gonna do is go down to Principal Littledove's house and cut donuts on his front lawn.

Okay, why don't you take it tomorrow and Wednesday and I'll take it on... Excuse me?

What? What are you doing?

Nothing, I'm just making up a schedule.

Why do you get to make up the schedule?

What's the problem?

I'm giving you the first day.

So what?

You're not the boss of everyone.

Look, I'm the one who put together the engine.

Well, I'm the one that paid for it.

You wouldn't even have it if I didn't see it.

Shut up, Dewey.

You shut up!

Look, it's not even fixed yet.

There's no point in fighting...

I get it on Sundays!

You do not!

Dewey, you're too short to even ride it.

I'm in the 40th percentile.

And you're too stupid to ride it.

Would you guys chill out?

Shut up! Yeah, Malcolm!

You may be able to boss around your loser Krelboynes, but normal people don't have to listen to you.

Quit talking and hit him.

You don't have any friends.

Mom told you you're never allowed to talk about that.

Let's have a hand for Cadet Drew and his father, direct from the showrooms of Atlantic City.

That was just riveting.

And, now, we have a few more awards to give out.

Now, now, we have a lot of students, and they all deserve recognition.

The award for the best history essay by a junior or sophomore goes to...

Cadet Eric.



We're so proud of our Eric.

We're the luckiest dads in the world.

It was a great essay.

I had a shot at the "C" till he screwed up the curve.

They sure are giving out a lot of awards, huh?

Yeah, I'm sorry. This is just ridiculous.

He gives these things out like candy.

And now the award for the cadet who has shown the most improvement.

This young lad came to Marlin as a delinquent jack-a-ninny without the slightest sign of potential.

And yet, in a mere year and a half, he has started to turn himself around.

He's not all the way there yet, but he is on the path to becoming an outstanding member of the Marlin family.

I proudly present...

Cadet Gordie.

This is nice, you know?

Sitting around with family, eating together, sharing.

What'd you do today, buddy?

Nothing. I'm too short.

I wouldn't worry about that, sport.

I bet you probably have the biggest head in your whole class.

Am I too stupid to have some more peas?

I don't think there are any rules on that, Chief.

Yeah, this is nice.

I remember when I was your age, not a care in the world.

Me and my imaginary brother outside in the yard building forts all day.

Yep, good times.

Where do you think you're going?

To the garage!

Not alone, you're not!

I'm coming, too!

You're all excused.


Hey, genius, you going to be done any time this year?

If you'd just shut up and left me alone, it'd be fixed by now.

You two disgust me.

All right, this should do it.

Let me do it.

I'm doing it. Me, me, me, me!

I told you I could fix it.

Way to go, jackass. Now get out of my way.

Get off! It's mine! No!

It's mine! Get off!

It's mine! Mine! Move!

I found it and I fixed it!

It's mine! Leave it alone!

It's mine!

It's nobody's!

What's wrong with you kids?

You're not allowed to have a motorcycle.

What are you doing? Yeah, that's ours!

We paid for it with our own money!

Well, that was pretty stupid of you, wasn't it?

There's no way you're having a motorcycle.

But, Mom, it's not a motorcycle.

It's just a little minibike.

It's a motorcycle.

It's not a motorcycle!

It's two feet high.

It was made specifically for kids.

Two wheels. Motor. Motorcycle.

Look, I... I understand that, uh, Francis is never going to be the perfect kid.

You see, what I'm asking for here is, is just a little... ray of hope.

Anything at all?

Francis is...

...not interested in learning.

Francis is... interested in causing trouble.

I'm sorry to have to say that, but I have seen his type before.

All he likes to do is flout authority.

He has contempt for rules.

He lives to undermine and destroy.

He feels no compunction...


I get it.

Isn't there anything positive you can tell me?


Oh, wait.


Do you want chicken or fish tonight?

Look, Mom, I don't think you realize how much we really want this bike.

I looked over your tax return, and I think I could save you about $1,200... if you make it worth my while.


You know that dog that keeps you up every night?

I could take him for a little... "walk."


I want it! I want it!

I hate you! I want it!

I wish I was dead!

Detailed information on every unsolved breakage or disappearance in this house for the last two years.


Doing laundry, huh?

Yes, Craig.

Well, don't even think of doing my stuff.

I'm the only guy that handles my used underpants, thank you very much.

Of course, shame to waste electricity if you got the room.

Okay, Mom, we thought about it and we understand that you're worried about us getting hurt, so we promise we'll always wear helmets when we ride the minibike.

And in addition to the helmets, we'll also wear elbow and knee pads no matter how dorky we look.

And we'll only ride it in the park.

And only under your supervision when you say so and when you're with us.




This isn't fair!

You don't get to just say no!

Yes, I do. No, you don't!

You can't just make a blanket statement that covers everything.

There has to be some scenario where you'll let us ride the bike.

I mean, what if I was a trained athlete who practiced on a simulator for 15 years and wore Kevlar body armor in a field of marshmallows?

I would still say no.

Now stop bothering me.

I don't know, Lois.

The boys sound pretty reasonable to me.

Stay out of this, Craig.

Hey! I live here, too, don't I?

Sorry, baby.

Mom's just doing this 'cause she can't stand that we were actually working together.

I know. Fixing that bike up was the best time we ever had.

I never wanted it to end.

Yeah. We were a perfect team.

We still are.

The three of us, we're going to work together and find a way to beat her.

She's going down.

Hey... wait a minute.

Boys! I need some help!


What's this?

Looks like a picture of you on a horse.

What were you, about Dewey's age?

What are you doing with this?

This looks awfully dangerous.

Look at that.

No padding, no helmet.

Did you ever fall?

What does this have to do with...?

We're asking the questions.

So, according to your logic, a two-foot fall from a minibike is more dangerous than a six-foot fall from a galloping horse?

That was a long time ago.

Before gravity?

I don't have time for this right now.

I have to get ready...

I have to go to work.

Did you see that?

We totally rattled her! Yeah!

We did it!

It worked!

We've got Mom!


There's a chink in the armor!

We're going to do it!

If we just play it cool, have a little patience, we'll have the minibike by the end of the week!

No, we won't.

It's broken.


I snuck it out for a ride.

And you know what?

They are dangerous.

You think Mom will notice?

You moron! Do you have any idea what you've done?

We were so close! We had her!

That's what I figured.

I wouldn't have taken it otherwise.

I'm not an idiot.

I can't believe you would...

How was it?

It was awesome.

I looked really cool doing it.

I could see my reflection in the car windows right up until I hit the mailbox.

Sometimes you just embarrass me.

It's okay. Mom doesn't have to find out.

I'll be fine.

My leg's really starting to feel better.

Let's see it. Ow!

Hi, Mom! Hello.

Look, boys, I was thinking about it, and, uh, you're old enough to deserve an explanation.

I was...

You don't always know what's best for us!

You don't know that we would have gotten hurt!

There's such a thing as trust!

I really think we've earned it!

Reese, I'm not saying that I... I don't have to sit here and listen to this!

Yes, you do. Oh, right.

Look, I'll tell you what.

How about I take you to the skateboard park tonight, huh?

How does that sound?

Actually, I'm pretty tired.

Me, too, and I think I really want to get a jump on next week's homework.

What's going on?

You guys are...

Lois! Lois!

Oh, for God's sake!

What is it now?

What's the matter, Craig?

What does it say on this jar?


Well, I'm glad someone around here can read.

These jars come with 14 pickles in them.

I had three yesterday, two for lunch today and one-and-a-half for a snack, and now there are six-and-a-half pickles in this jar!

Simple math indicates...

Are you counting the one in your hand?

Okay, false alarm.

We burned his house down. We burned his house down.

Oh, this is the guy.

This is Francis.

What I want to know is, how did you get the cow onto the roof of the gymnasium in the first place?

Ah, that was easy.

The parachute was the problem.

Did you know those things don't open unless you're thousands of feet in the air?

You live, you learn.

Did I ever tell you about that?


Look at this: archery, debating, field hockey...

Look at all these clubs and teams, and you're not in any of them.

There isn't even a picture of you in the yearbook.

Look under Pete Zahut.

I don't want to look under Pete Zahut.

No, no, no, if you say it fast, it sounds like...

I don't believe this.

Francis... don't you care about anything?


In a school filled with problem children, you're the worst one here.

Wait, that's not true.

I can think of three other guys with longer records than I have.

We have worked and we've worked, trying anything we can think of to turn you around, but nothing seems to get through to you.

Come on, Dad.

No. You don't give a damn about anything but yourself!

And, Francis, I don't like saying these things, but what am I supposed to do?

I-I feel like I have to give up on my own son.


You know, I can't even look at you right now.

I don't remember if we're hating each other or liking each other, but either way I appreciate this.

Ah, it's been two hours, Reese.

The swelling isn't going down.

Look, you can see his heartbeat.

Oh, man. We really need to get you to the hospital.

We can't! Mom will kill us if she finds out about the bike.

This isn't about the bike!

We're screwed for the next five years on anything we'd like to do.

There's got to be some way we can get you to the hospital before she finds out.

Then we could come up with a cover story.

Could you handle that? Because I'm going to scream into my pillow for the next five minutes.

There's got to be some way we can do this.

Have you seen Jellybean's sweater?

I don't know why we have to go all the way across town.

Seems kind of silly.

Craig, I promise, it's the best ice cream in town.

Yeah, well, I'll be the judge of that.

What was that?


Ow, my leg!

Ow. Ow.

Ow! Ow! Ow!


Oh, my God! What did I do? What did I do?

You ran over his leg!

What happened?

Oh, my God! Reese!



Oh, for God's sakes, Jonathan, pull yourself together.

He'll be home for your birthday.

You got a problem?

An untucked shirttail, Cadet?

Is that what we teach you here?

To disgrace your uniform?

I think not.

Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father.

You can't yell at him for hugging his father.

Francis... No.

No, I'm glad you saw this.

This is exactly what I was talking about.

Always undermining my authority.

Day in, day out, it's the same thing.

Like when I had Cadet Dooley run 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillowcase violation, Francis organizes a sit-in.

Or when I cut off the electricity to the fifth floor for a contraband boom box, he hijacks a generator for them.

The boy lives to cause chaos.

He was hugging his dad!

In front of his own father, he still defies me at every turn.

And every time something like that happens, he challenges you?

Every time.

Even when he knows he'll get in trouble?

That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.

I understand.

I will deal with you later.

Look, Dad, I just want to...

Shut up, son.

Oh, come here.

I can't believe that plan actually worked.

We came up with it in, like, two seconds.

Maybe we should do more things half-assed.

Hey, Reese, how's your leg?

Not bad.

The pain goes away when I black out.

You guys want anything to drink?

Sure. Great. All right.

One more thing.

Did you really think I wouldn't notice a busted up minibike half-buried in the sandbox?

Jellybean and I are leaving now.

Once again, I'm very sorry.

I can't even look you people in the eye.

I think we'll call this one a wash.

I love you, Francis.


Love you, too, Dad.