Malcolm in the Middle S2E24 Script

Evacuation (2001)

Got the bricks?

Whoa! Whee!

Hang on, Dewey!

Eight more seconds for the record!

Whoa-ho! Yeah!

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

There we go.

Oh, Hal, it's beautiful!

You boys are not to sit on it, stand on it, jump on it, or go anywhere near it for the next year.

Where's this coming from?

Hey, Dewey, want to go with me to take the old couch to the dump?

No, I want to watch cartoons.

What, are you kidding?

We're talking about the city dump.

Mountains of smoldering garbage as far as you can see.

Swarms of flies that block out the sun.

Really?

Mmm.

Last time I was there, I saw a 40-pound seagull carry off a dog in its beak.

Wow.

Wow.

Come on!

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm late.

Stevie and I finished our geometry unit.

We're two weeks ahead.

Congratulations, you're grounded.

What?

You're an hour and a half late.

You promised you'd be back at 3:00 to help with the couch.

Your father and Reese nearly killed themselves.

Yeah, but... No buts!

You're grounded.

Two weeks in your room, no TV, no friends, no phone.

But I was doing homework.

I thought it'd be okay.

You're not allowed to decide what's okay.

Not yet.

You looked me in the eye and you promised.

You're grounded.

This is totally unfair!

Oh!

Okay, when did I sit in tar?

♪ When we get to the garbage dump ♪

♪ This is what we'll see ♪

♪ Five broken toilets ♪

♪ Four fuzzy cheese wheels ♪

♪ Three tons of maggots ♪ ♪ Two gigantic rats ♪

♪ And a stench that will buckle your knees. ♪ Yahoo!

Uh, excuse me.

Can you tell us where we should dump this couch?

Oh!

Oh, for the love of...

We didn't even get to see it land.

Well, son, I guess our work here is done.

You are so dead.

Francis, you know I couldn't go out with Laura unless I found somebody for her sister.

Now, you're here so just try to enjoy your date.

She's 12.

Hey, you guys want tattoos?

So she's not the one.

You can still have a good time.

How could you do this to me?

Come on.

You've done way worse to me.

You totally deserve this.

Based on what?

Will you Jethros just shut up!?

Nobody cares how many bales of hay you can lift!

So, now we know-- pigs can swim, cows can't.

This is ridiculous.

When did the word "Fascist" become such a hot button?

I have been nothing but a good friend to you.

Look, Francis, I'm not going to argue.

You'll do this or I'll punch your face through the back of your head.

See, every time I trump you with logic, you resort to violence.

I just want that on the record.

Mmm, ice cream.

What a wonderful, unexpected treat for some of us.

Yes, Reese, you get to eat ice cream and I don't.

Thank you for subtly illustrating that point.

I'll get it.

Mmm, sprinkles.

Aren't those your favorite, Malcolm?

I'm rubbing my butt on your pillowcase.

Oh, boy, Reese, what'd you do?!

Sir, we have to evacuate the entire neighborhood.

I need you to leave your house immediately.

What... evacuating? Why?

There's been a toxic chemical spill about a mile away-- a train derailed.

How'd that happen?

Some idiot left a couch on the railroad tracks.

I wonder if that was...

Careful, son.

Don't want to drip.

I repeat, if you're not in need of immediate first aid, find an available cot, remain calm and wait for further instructions.

Will you look at this?

I hope they find whoever's responsible and string him up by his thumbs.

Hey, uh, fella, don't you think you're overreacting?

I mean, my family is exposed to dangerous chemicals all the time.

In-in fact, I-I remember I accidentally set off a flea bomb in the boys' room when my son, Dewey, was in there taking a nap.

I can smell colors.

Sir, I've got two overturned tankers out there spewing out a cloud of sulfuric acid and sodium hydroxide.

That can scar your throat and lungs in a matter of seconds.

But it's not necessarily fatal.

I-I mean, maybe you'd need an artificial larynx, but you'd still be alive.

That'd be so cool.

My name is Reese.

What are you looking at?

Son, please.

Has anyone died yet?

Not that I'm aware of.

Well, what if the wind shifts?

Is the water supply going to be contaminated?

What about the food?

What about the medical personnel?

How can be sure that all these people are going to be safe?

I'm sorry, I really don't know all of the answers.

I'm just a high school senior.

Are we going to order at some point tonight?

Hang on, this is important.

This is the only booth she hasn't been felt up in.

Have another doughnut, lonely girl.

So, you like school?

You're blocking my light!

Check it out.

Some idiot left the storage closet unlocked.

I've got every Dixie Cup in the place.

What are you doing with those?

Building a future, my friend.

I can't believe this place.

This cot smells like feet.

All right, we're just going to have to make the best of things.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm just going to look around.

You are not going anywhere.

You're still grounded. What? Here?

That's right. Look around-- we're living in a gym!

That doesn't change what you did.

Mom, we can all die.

If that happens, you're off the hook.

Until then, I want those buns on that cot.

Now.

Uh, excuse me. Excuse me.

Listen, I-I was just wondering if there was something that I could do to help.

Not that there's any real reason, of course.

I'm just... looking to do my part.

I think we got it pretty well covered, sir.

No, no, there must be something.

I don't care if it's, if it's messy or trivial or even life-threatening...

Sir, I'd appreciate it if you'd just return to your area.

Please, you have to find some way for me to be useful.

I have got to ease these people's suffering.

They have got to know that I am here for them.

Is that pepper spray?

I also have a whistle and I'm prepared to use that as well.

You know, I'd be happy to give you some but you should ask your parents first.

I can't.

They're dead.

What?

They were killed by the cloud.

Can I have some?

Oh, my God, you poor thing.

They were choking.

It was awful.

Can I have the one with nuts?

Oh, of course, dear.

Toxic chemical spill has been reported in the area...

Where'd they go?

Don't worry, they'll be back in a few hours.

They took the car?!

Hey, you're the one who went to the bathroom.

You gave them the opening.

All right, that's it.

Come on, get your books.

We're getting out of here.

No, I want to eat.

No, we're going.

I'm not leaving till I eat!

Would you keep it down, please?

You were a lot nicer when we were on the Internet.

Look, you can't pull this crap with me.

I have three little brothers.

I know every manipulation in the book.

So get your butt in gear.

No, if I go home now, Laura'll get busted.

We're supposed to be at the mall.

What do you care?

Let me tell you about your sister.

She doesn't like you at all.

She treats you like dirt.

Well... she does.

It's not your fault.

I mean, you don't deserve that.

No one deserves that.

She's the one with the problem.

Really, I'm sure you have a lot of nice qualities that people don't even...

Waitress! Can we get some service over here?

Yes?

I want the burger plate, extra fries and a chocolate malt.

...and then they were trapped in the car and they told me to get help and I ran and I ran, then I fell down and when I woke up, the ambulance man was holding me.

And your parents were...

Ooh, you poor little boy.

That looks like fun.

What is wrong with you?

Give that to him!

What can I say?

We're all trying to get through as best we can.

Thank you.

And of course, in these disasters, it's always the children who suffer the most.

No, no, no!

You're not talking to him. He's grounded.

Looks like you need a cup, friend.

Ah, that'd be great, thanks.

I wish it were that simple.

What are you talking about? I'm thirsty.

Is that your truck out there with the canned fruit?

Yeah, why?

Let's take a walk.

There!

That should take care of that wobble, huh?

Listen, is it too drafty here?

Should we move you away from the window?

No, no, we're fine.

Thanks for the help.

Well, that's what this is all about, huh?

Helping each other out.

This is the kind of thing that we should be focusing on.

Not a witch hunt, pointing fingers... blame, blame!

We are bigger than that, aren't we, honey?

Who wants a bedtime story?

Can't you make him go away, Daddy?

She is precious.

Okay.

Excuse me, did you find the boy whose parents were killed?

Not yet.

Excuse me.

Did you say, "killed"?

Yes, they were killed by the gas cloud.

Oh, my God.

The boy's mother saved him with her very last breath.

And then the poor boy had to strangle his own dog just to stop its suffering.

And on his birthday!

Yes?

I want a piece of apple pie a la mode, some chocolate cake and a banana split.

Sure thing. Why don't you save me some money and just yell at your sister instead of burying your anger in a mountain of French fries?

Are you calling me fat?

What? No, I'm not calling you fat.

So now I'm a liar?

No, you're twisting around everything I say.

Why do you do that?

You hurt my feelings.

Okay, would you just keep it down, please?

I'm sorry.

Why do you touch your hair so much?

I don't touch my hair that much.

Why is everyone so fixated on my hair?

I'm sick of it.

Okay, okay, relax.

I... I just... I don't want to talk about it.

It's just that people make fun of me.

The guys at school call me "Poodlehead."

That is so cruel.

I mean, I can see it, but still...

I got to tell you, Malcolm, sometimes, I'm so good, it's scary.

What are you doing with toilet paper?

I got my hands on some canned fruit.

I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs.

And I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper.

Once the specially "seasoned" meat loaf works its magic, I can name my price.

You know, that's not only unbelievably evil but you actually put some thought and effort into it.

I'm impressed.

I don't know what it is.

I guess when people are miserable and suffering, it brings out the best in me.

Thanks for noticing.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Dabney, did you bring your Palm Pilot?

Yeah. Good to know.

Hey, Malcolm, isn't this great?

I wouldn't know.

Come on, we get to hang out in the gym... without worrying about dodgeballs, or getting pantsed.

It's a dream come true.

We actually get to live in the school.

Check this out!

It's the key to the girls' locker room.

We were actually standing where girls take showers... naked.

Or so I'm told.

Malcolm.

No visitors.

Malcolm's grounded.

You shouldn't be talking to him.

Everyone, this is my son.

He's being punished.

No one should talk to him.

Mom, for God's sakes, they just came over to say hi.

I took the key to the girls' locker room.

Please, don't tell our mothers.

I'm so ashamed.

What?

You did that just to humiliate me.

Is that what you think? Yes.

It was completely unjustified.

And I want you to know, I am never going to forget this.

Well, good.

It'll be the first time in ten years the punishment's actually stuck.

People, please, the money we raise cannot bring back his parents but we must do something.

We're his only family now.

Hasn't that poor, little boy suffered enough from the train wreck?

Which, by the way is a surprisingly common occurrence when looked at in a nationwide context.

Please, we've got to give till it hurts.

I'm just saying, it might be hard to get my hands on five blankets.

Look, I need them. My family's freezing.

A lot of people are cold.

It's a real problem. How about the watch?

The guy before me only had to give you his socks.

It's a cold world. It's getting colder by the minute.

You're an evil, little punk.

Uh-uh.

Socks, too.

And then Dave told me they were just studying.

But they were totally having a pizza party.

You're kidding?

They came to my room and asked for napkins.

It's not like I could tell them how hurt I was, 'cause you constantly got to keep up this front of being the tough guy.

They have no idea who I really am.

If they knew I kept a dream journal...

You do?

I think that's so cool.

Really?

I do, too.

I'll tell you one thing, if those guys ever got a hold of that, I'd never hear the end of it.

So? You don't have to care what they think.

I don't. Well, what about your sister?

She's an idiot.

Hey, good for you.

Anyway, people around here are freaks.

Some nights, I lock myself in my room and spin my globe.

And wherever I point my finger, I just pretend that's where I really live.

I do that, too. Really?

And you'll feel the cold worse than anyone.

Because, let's face it, your circulation isn't that good to begin with.

I already gave you money.

And you're satisfied. I see.

That little boy doesn't need clothes or an education.

Let's just put him to work in the mines like they did when you were a girl.

I'm on a fixed income.

So, what are you trying to do?

Take it to the grave with you?

Should we get you a casket with saddlebags?

Give me my shoe.

It's right here. Come and get it.

What's the matter?

Was somebody a bad boy?

Does the bad boy want his shoe back?

Malcolm!

Get back on the cot.

This kid's got my shoe.

Get back on the cot.

I'll take care of this.

Is Mommy going to take care of it for you?

Malcolm, get back on that cot.

No.

Excuse me?

I've had it. I quit.

What do you mean, you quit?

I quit this stupid system.

The only reason I'm being punished like this is because I agreed to be punished like this.

And I'm not going to agree anymore.

This isn't parenting. This is just sadism.

Oh, you think I enjoy this? Yes, I do.

And I am way too old for this.

We are going to find some other way of dealing with each other.

We are going to change the rules.

What were you planning to do?

Take away my TV when I'm married?

Give me a time-out when I'm 30?

What? Am I supposed to be scared?

What are you going to do, spank me?

Okay.

Mom, what are you doing?

Mom, cut it out.

I don't know what you think you're doing.

How did she get so strong?

When I can't do this, we'll change the rules.

Five hundred and sixty-three dollars?

Come on, people.

What if he needs braces? What if he has scoliosis?

Huh?

Okay, fine.

I'll just say, "Sorry, little crooked boy.

"You can always get a job in the circus...

"while the rest of us drive our Porsches and eat our T-bone steaks."

Dad, can we go home now?

My stomach hurts. Not now, son.

That your kid?

Yes, why?

This guy has been collecting money for his own kid.

What?

Dewey, did you tell these people...?

What the hell you trying to pull here, mister?

He's been yanking our chain!

No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I swear, I didn't know anything about this.

And if he lied to you, well, I can assure you that is not the kind of behavior I allow in my family.

Ow, ow, ow...

Is this your son?

Reese?

He was running a black market.

He had two diabetics bidding against each other for insulin.

That is a lie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, now, now, wait just a second.

I know how this must look.

But if you just give me the chance to get to the bottom of this, I swear to you, I will make this right.

Come over here.

You boys have both behaved very badly.

So, you are both going to apologize to these nice, generous people like you have never apologized before.

Do you hear me?

Okay.

Dewey, come on.

Go ahead.

Nice and loud.

We're sorry we left the couch on the tracks and wrecked the train.

Reese, run, run.

Hey, stop him.

Well, this is it.

Maybe I'll call you sometime.

Whatever.

Hey, I, uh...

I actually had a good time.

Me, too.

You're, like, a really good girlfriend.

Thanks.

Hey, sorry about tonight.

Yeah, well, your plan to palm me off on a 12- year-old backfired, 'cause I actually had a really good time.

Well, good for you, Poodlehead.

You know what?

I don't care about your childish taunts anymore.

You can call me anything you like.

I think I'll stick with Poodlehead.

Fine.

I'm glad it doesn't bother you when I call you "Poodlehead,"

Poodlehead.

I got to tell you, Poodlehead...

Shut up!

Do not set foot outside this area.

Not one foot.

I would just like to get one thing clear.

When we go home, you fellas are still going to be a presence in the community, right?

If I wasn't in uniform, I'd take a swing at you, myself.

Fair enough.

Are you telling me that I can't discipline my own child?

Lady, we got a lot of angry people in there.

I think it's best you stay out here with the other troublemakers.

They'd like us to stay inside the box.

This is outrageous.

We're going to freeze to death out here.

What did we do?

Maybe Malcolm can bring us a couple blankets.

Come on.

Malcolm.

Can you get us some blankets?

Help us out here.

It's cold out here.

I'm sorry, I'm not supposed to leave my cot.

Don't think you won't suffer the consequences later, mister.