Malcolm in the Middle S2E5 Script

Casino (2000)

What? Can't sleep?

No, I have this terrible feeling we've forgotten something.

Trash, locks, lights...

Oh, well, whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait till morning.

Oh, boy.

All right, son.

Son, I think you've learned your lesson.


Thanks, Dad.

We've got to stop doing this.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Craig's dropping off my paycheck, so I asked him to bring in the mail.

I didn't think I needed to cancel the Sunday paper.

Somebody's just going to steal it anyway.

Sounds like we've got nothing to worry about for the next two days but having fun.

Mom, Dewey's going to puke.

Geez, he's thrown up four times.

You'd think he'd be empty by now.

We're almost there, honey.

Just keep your head in the bucket.

Just ten more minutes, and we'll get to spend a weekend on a real Indian reservation.

Why do they have casinos?

I don't know, son.

Let's just thank God they do.

Hey, the pool at this place looks pretty good.

You guys are going to have a nice time.

It's too bad Francis couldn't be here.

Oh, don't you feel bad for Francis.

He's the one who got himself on academic probation.

Francis isn't going anywhere this weekend.

Richie, it's me.

I ditched school, my family's away for the whole weekend, so I got the house to myself.

Call Circus and Justin, 'cause we're going to party!

Sorry, dude. They're in jail.

You're kidding. Why?

They got caught trying to steal the giant inflatable panda from the car lot.

Oh, man!

That would've been great to have.

Well, you can come over, right?

I'm not sure.

This weekend's my intervention.

How long you think this is going to take, Mom?

You'd better put me down as a "maybe."

Oh, man, did I overbuy on pork rinds.


Oh, hey, here we go. This is nice.

I get the rollaway.

I want to sleep with Malcolm.

Cool. I get the big bed for myself.

Not fair. If you get the big bed, you get Dewey.

That's not the way you called it, butt-head.

Now, boys, I'm sure we can find a fair way to figure this out.

Reese, Malcolm, Dewey.

I'm taking a bath.

Anybody's got to go, it's now or never.

Can we go swimming, Mom? Yeah, can we?

I think I might take a quick look at the casino.

Hal, you got two days to gamble.

Why don't you take the boys to the pool bef...?


They don't do anything.

They're just there.

Hold it there, boys. No one under 16 allowed in the pool without an adult.

It's okay. They're with me.

Sorry. No parent, no pool.

But that's ridiculous!

We all know how to swim.

Okay, fine.

We'll just go get my dad in the casino.

Sorry. No kids allowed in the casino either.

I'm not going to gamble. I just want to get my dad.

Look, I don't make the rules.

You're just doing this because you hate kids.

I'm really not. It's just a happy coincidence.

Mom, they won't let us in the pool without an adult.

What are we supposed to do?

I don't know. Use your imaginations.

What? We're on vacation.

Hey, there's dirt out there, isn't there?

And rocks and lizards.

And I think I saw an old tire in the parking lot.

There are kids in the world with a lot less than an old tire to play with, so I don't want to hear another word about it!

Yeah, it's great being home.

So catch me up. What's going on?

Well, we had Salisbury steak for dinner.

Yeah? With creamed spinach?


That's a great side dish.

Now, I know they use celery salt and vinegar with that, but is that oregano I taste, or is that tarragon?

Francis, I... I got to go.

All right, fine. Put Finley on.

You already talked to him twice.

Come on, we're playing pool and I'm up.

Okay, okay, play your stupid game.

I got some serious partying to do here anyway.


Yes! I win again!

No fair. My goalie doesn't have any legs.

Hey, boys.

Hey, Dad. How'd you do?

Well, you know, blackjack's a complicated game.

You have your ups and your downs.

So, who wants to buy me a Coke?

It's too bad you had to quit, Dad.

That shoe is full of tens.


Tens. Face cards.

Okay, there's six decks.

They already played out 18 nines, 14 eights, 12 sevens, but only two tens-- a king of spades and a queen of diamonds.

Which leaves... well, you can do the math.

No, but you can, and that's all that matters!

Oh, my little genius!

♪ ♪

Of course we're terribly sorry about this.

You have to believe that this is a momentary lack of judgment on my part.

See, I-I realize now that using my son...

Your underage son.

Yeah, my-my underage son, uh... to count cards was wrong.

I guess I was just trying to look for an activity that the two of us can enjoy doing together.

You know, it's a tough age.

Yeah, a-and this was really helping my self-esteem.

You see, I'm not really good at sports, and this made me feel... special.

My son and I cook.

Huh. That's a good thought.

We'll have to try that.

In the meantime, you're banned from the casino.


Oh, no, no, no, you don't want to do that.

You see, that... that's just not going to go over so well with my wife.

And believe me, you don't want to see her angry.

I'm not banning her. Just you.

Okay, uh, look, let's just, uh... forget about the three grand that I... I won, hmm?

Just pretend it never happened?


That's very generous of you.

You're still banned.


Oh, all right, then.

Just give me my money back.

I'm sorry.

What money?

Hey, look, pal...

Who said anything about money?

Thank you.

I tell you, I am not that impressed with this place.

You call that a breakfast buffet?

Not a tangelo to be found.

What are you talking about?

Didn't you see that teepee made entirely of sausage?

It was incredible!

I am going to die.

Why didn't anyone stop me?

In our family, we take the phrase

"all you can eat" as a personal challenge.

I know what'll cheer you up.

Why don't we go gamble a little?

Ooh, uh, now?

Where does it say that just because you're at a casino you have to gamble?

I mean, I-I'd rather spend some more time with my boys, huh?

Whoa, stop it, Dad. Please stop.

Hal, you made me sit for eight hours in that car, listening to your foolproof system for winning at keno.

Now you're telling me you don't want to gamble?

We are surrounded by the great outdoors, Lois.

I was thinking we might all go for a hike.

Okay, what have you done?

What do you mean?

Why are you avoiding the casino?

Well, sweetheart, we could sit here and I could tell you all about it and you might find it all very amusing, or you could think about the fact that I'm offering to take the boys off your hands for the whole day.

Don't forget the sunblock.

All right, crew.

I just happened to find a brochure in the lobby for the old El Diablo Ghost Town just a five-mile hike from here.

What's a ghost town?

What do you think it is?

It's a town full of dead people.

Why can't we just go swimming?

Ah, we can swim at home. Where?

Come on, it'll be fun.

Look, they have a real working old-timey ice cream parlor.

We're going!

♪ ♪

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be in military school?

Shouldn't you not be in my father's robe?

That is neither here nor there.

You are in big trouble, my friend.

I'm in trouble?

Yes, big trouble.

I'm telling your mother.

No... I'm telling my mother!

That's my toast.

We'll split it.

Huh. I don't get it.

The map says the ghost towns are only a half-inch away.

Dad, we're lost.

What sounds more idiotic:

"Let's go to the desert, kids" or "Good idea, Dad"?

Hi, Mom!

Dewey, what are you doing here?

I thought you went for a hike with your father.

I couldn't. I don't like ghosts.

They eat little boys.

That's ridiculous.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

Except for that one that'll get you if you go up on the roof.

Come on, you're too young to be in a casino.

Come on, folks, take a spin at the wheel.

Oh, may as well try my free spin.

That's right, lady. Nobody goes home a loser.

Oh, God, I'm ruined!

Okay, let's give it a whirl.

Well, look at that.

You have won our Champagne Dreams Package for two.

An entire day of his and her spa treatments followed by an evening of dinner and dancing.

Well, that's just perfect.

My husband's out on a hike, and we're leaving tomorrow.

Relax, lady. It's good for six months.

Six months?!

I had to work six months of overtime in a crummy drugstore just to pay for this trip.

Have you ever had to recommend hemorrhoid cream to a complete stranger?

Do you want the prize, or not?

You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders.

Tell me about it.

All right, now, listen. Come on.

Let's just all get our bearings here, shall we?

All right, here's the sun.

What's it telling us?

That it's hot.

Hey, is that a fence over there?

By God, you're right!

See, I told you we weren't lost.

Then where are we?

By the fence.

It's a sure sign of civilization.

I say we go in.

Come on, come on.

Wait a minute.

What if we're already in, and instead of going in, we're actually going out?

Son, sometimes the genius thing gets a little annoying.

Come on. Let's just keep thinking positive thoughts.

Listen to that.

That's a plane.

There. Help! Help!

Here, we need help!

Oh, we're lost!

Oh, for the love of God, help us!

Well, shall we?

I can't believe this.

I buy my own bus ticket home, I have to spend the whole weekend with you.

I hear you.

It's a shame you had to spend your own money.

I've discovered a way you can travel for free through the Internet.

What, you hack into an airline's reservation system?

No, that's illegal.

I go into a chat room and pretend to be a really hot 18-year-old girl.

I'm Debbie.

I'm blond, naive, and I love to wear sundresses.

Right now, I'm having a lot of problems at home.

Dad's so mean.

I'm going through all these changes, all these strange new feelings, he just doesn't understand...

Wait, Craig.

The free travel?


Debbie goes into some chat room, gets real friendly with some lonely guy, and before long he's willing to pay for a visit.

Right now, I'm sitting on a ticket to Tampa.

Oh, and I make sure he buys Debbie full fare coach, no restrictions.

She may look good in a thong, but she's no dummy.


I'm thirsty.

Yeah, well, we'd have water if some idiot hadn't used it to write an S.O.S. in the sand.

Oh, I see. You people let me carry the water, and all of a sudden I'm the idiot?

Malcolm, Reese, relax.

We have nothing to worry about.

Everything's going to be fine.

Now, I want you to know that I love you boys very much.

He keeps saying that.

Oh, great.

Now I'm hallucinating. I see a cougar.

Don't be stupid.

That's a puma.

Okay, everybody okay?

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, my God. Where's Dewey?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

He's back at the hotel.

Okay, then.

Nobody's hurt, everything's fine.

Dad, a cougar just blew up.

I meant besides that.

That's not good.

Cougars don't just blow up.

As near as I can figure, I did it with my mind.

Reese, that's insane!

I wouldn't talk to me like that if I were you.

Okay, there must be some explanation.

Okay, it could have been caused by a blasting cap left by a miner, although the explosion was much too big.

Perhaps the cougar ate some dynamite.

That's ridiculous.

Maybe it's just a mirage.

Could have been a mirage, although a mirage usually doesn't end up all over your shoes, which leads me back to the Reese thing.

I accept your apology.

Oh, this feels so good.

I mean, you read about celebrities going to spas and having these kinds of treatments, but you marry young, you start spitting out kids, you can kiss this kind of thing good-bye.

Don't eat the cucumber slices, honey.



Nice try. What's that supposed to mean?

"Mzryc"-- it's another military term.

You know, the helmets that horses wear.

Oh, right, right, right.

This is nice.

Hanging out on a Saturday, playing Scrabble.

Couple of guys, relaxing.

So, your folks getting along okay?

What? Nothing.

Here we go.

Read it and weep.


Hey, that's two "cats" for you, that's great.

Just playing the tiles I'm dealt.

So, uh, you pick up any bad vibes here on the home front, you let me know, right?


Hey! Take it easy, cowboy.

Just making small talk.


I guess they're doing fine.

She's a strong little lady, that mother of yours.

Sure, we have our moments at work, but you can't stay mad at that woman for long.

You don't have to live with her.

Maybe you just don't understand her.

What's to understand?

She's a total control freak.

Maybe she doesn't get the support she needs here at home.

Well, I wouldn't know, since she sent me to military school.

Because you're a spoiled brat!

And I'm pretty sure "Mzyrc" ends in a "K"!

Look, it's a house!

Yes! All right!

Come on.

Hello! Hello!

They're sitting at the table.

They're just ignoring us.

They probably think we're trying to sell them something.

Hey, we're lost!

A cougar exploded!

Can we use your phone?

Sorry, we hate to barge in, but this is kind of an emergency...

Well, this is a little weird.

Okay, I just figured this out.


We're on an artillery range!

That's why the cougar blew up!

It was hit by a shell!

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.


No! Oh!

Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out!

Go, go, go, go!

Of course, we're terribly sorry about this, and we realize that fences are there for a reason.

However, in fairness, when we climbed the fence, we weren't sure if we were going in or out.

You want to explain the theory, son?

Not really.

This is a highly classified testing ground, and I could very easily detain the three of you, indefinitely, for national security reasons.

Know what nobody's mentioned?

Is that this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world, and you couldn't even kill the three of us.

I've got to tell you, I'm not impressed.

Well, the great thing about this trip is the next time I hear we can't afford to go on vacation, I think I'll be okay with it.

I trust everything went well for you and your handsome gentleman friend?

He is handsome, isn't he?

Can I have some ice cream?

You can have anything you want.

Tonight is our special night.



Oh, thank God.

Look, I only get to make one call, so put your mother on so she can come get us.

Who was that?

Wrong number.

Announcing the arrival of Air Alabama Flight 63 at Gate 11.

Thank you.

My foot is killing me.

Ah, let's be brave soldiers, boys.

Might get there after dark, but we've got plenty of water, and we'll be okay.

Tell us the story again, Dad, please?

Yeah, yeah.

All right, one last time.

Dewey is tied to a post in the burning sun.

He's covered entirely in honey.

Even his eyes?

Even his eyes.

Uh-oh, what's that behind him?

A million fire ants, hungry fire ants with sharp little mandibles and itchy feet.