Malcolm in the Middle S2E7 Script

Robbery (2000)

All right, that's enough for me.

You coming to bed?

Yeah, in a minute.



Wow! You sure got up early.

Yup. No rest for the weary.

Wait a minute.

Did you even come to bed last night?

No, dear.

I stayed up all night watching Mexican soap operas.


♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪ Hi, Lois.

Oh! Hi, Craig.

Notice anything different about me?


Just got her in today.

"Craig Feldspar. Assistant Manager."


That's great.

And along with the red badge, as you know, comes an extra two-percent discount, which I'm more than willing to share with you, Lois.

Oh, no, Craig, that's your discount.

Really, it's no... I wouldn't feel right about jeopardizing your position by taking advantage of that.

I just... I wouldn't feel right about it.

But what good is all that power if I have no one to share it with?

Theresa, would you mind checking out aisle four?

Seemed to have noticed someone knocked over the candy rack.

And could you put the coffee-toffees on a lower shelf?


Did you see that? Did you see that resentment?

Isn't it wonderful?

Look at me, I'm shaking.

This is my favorite part of the day.

The twilight time between school ending and when your parents come home.

The time when kids rule the Earth.

Okay, what was this?

Uh... Superman.

Boys, come quick!

Something wonderful has happened!


Isn't she beautiful?

And to think someone was just throwing her out.

She was under six bags of garbage, but, oh, I knew your mother would love her.

When does she get home?

She's working till 10:00. Great!

Gives us plenty of time to get her ready.

Dad, it's junk.

Reese, with a little paint and some new hardware, one man's junk is another man's anniversary present.

Come on, help me get her inside.

Come in.

Look, you probably think I'm here to criticize you for not doing my homework yesterday, but let's not think about that.

Let's think about tomorrow's assignment.

So, if you can get that to me by 8:00, that'd be great.

Or 9:00.

Okay, what's wrong?

My Julie... she left me!

What happened?

I don't know, but it's really over.

She sent back all of my love gifts.

Wow, that's cold.

Oh, come on, this guy's adorable.

Press its belly.

That's okay.

Look, I've had a lot of experience with heartache, and I'll tell you one thing.

You've got to find a way to get your mind off it.

Look! Here's my homework.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

She was my light, my life and my world!

She put out, huh?

Like crazy!

Can I help you?

Give me your money.

Oh, for crying out loud, again?

Shut up and hand it over. Okay, just relax, cowboy.

We have a way of doing this so nobody gets hurt.

I give you every bit of money in this drawer, and you and your friend just leave. Okay?


See? Nobody gets hurt.

Nobody gets caught.

Everybody happy. Okay?

Lois, I think Cheryl A. flipped me off behind my back.

Craig, I am, uh, I'm with some customers.

There you go. Bye now.

Did you enjoy your Lucky Aide shopping experience, gentlemen?

Craig, uh, they're in a hurry.

This won't take a second.

I am Craig, the assistant manager.

I can assure you, if there's one thing we value here at Luck Aide, it is customer satisfaction.

We're satisfied.

Well, you don't sound like it.

Please, don't feel like you're going to hurt my feelings, because I'm learning here.

Now, I'm sure there's something I could do to make this a better experience for you.

Yeah. How about you walk me to every other register in this place and give me every cent you've got?

That's a gun!

Craig, calm down.

Everybody, calm down.

I've been through this five times.

We just give them the money from all the other registers, and they'll leave.

What about the safe?



Safe-ty of the customers.

I'll lock the doors.

You start rounding up the customers.

What, are you nuts? We got to get out of here.

Come on, man. I'm tired of doing these dinky little holdups.

Have you ever wanted to do something more important with your life?

What do you mean, like, go back to school?

No, man! Like breaking into a safe.

Do you want to work at Orange Julius forever?

All right, everybody over to sundries!




Whoo! Your mother's going to flip when she sees this.


Well, that's just crazy.

Why would someone fill this with hundreds of hanging black bow ties?

Those aren't bow ties.

Those are bats.

Don't you worry, Lois.

Everything is going to be fine. Just fine and dandy.

Yeah, keep waving that thing around, buddy-boy.

You got a big surprise coming.

Craig, that button has been disconnected for over a year.

What?! Why? Because you kept hitting the damn thing.

In an emergency, yes. That's what it's for.

Oh, like an emergency when you saw a bee?

Or when you saw that big fly that looked like a bee?

How about when you thought you saw a ghost?

I'm not saying it was or it wasn't, but you can't tell me what we saw was normal.

All right, you two!

Let's move it.

He likes waving that around too much.

This is going to end in body bags.

No, Craig, it isn't.

Lois... before we die, I have to tell you something.

It's about how I feel...

Craig, no.

But, Lois... Craig, no!

This will all be over soon.

How much?


Well, can you guarantee that you'll get all of them?

What? That's per bat?!

Are you insane?!


Well, boys, looks like we're on our own.

What are you talking about?

Isn't anyone coming?

I'm scared.

Aw... I know, son.

Now, just think of them this way.

They're only rats with wings.

And radar.

Just flying rats with radar.

Say it with me. Just...

Flying rats with radar.

Once again.

Flying rats with...

Okay, it's important that everybody just say calm.

And don't make any sudden moves, or they'll kill you.

And don't look them in the eye, or they'll kill you.

And don't beg them not to kill you, or they'll kill you.

I need you to stop talking.

You! Assistant manager! Come here!

This is it.

I didn't feed my cat.

Isn't it funny the things that go through your mind before you die?

Craig, they just want to talk to you.

Lois, before we're all killed in a bloody mess, I have to tell you...

Shh! Let's not think those negative thoughts.

Let's just give them the money and get them out of here.

Hey, is there any way we can speed this along?

Yeah. Somebody can give us the combination to the safe.

Fine. I can't, but the assistant manager can.

Craig, give them the combination to the safe.



You can't have it.

Yes, they can.

Craig, give them the combination.

Let me talk to them.

What's the combo?!


♪ ♪ See? Told you I'd make it all better.


How could this possibly cheer me up?

Watching a bunch of naked, middle-aged women degrade themselves in a place that smells like urine and cigarettes?

When you put it that way, you can make anything sound terrible.

You know, sometimes you just make it so hard to be nice.

Hey, you want to see the real show in back?


Yes. Yes, he does.

Cost you $50.

Look, I only have $20, so let's just... Done.

Hey, watch out!

You idiots!

It was just Mom's bra.


What is it?

Kill it!

Ow! Ah!

Is it gone?! Is it gone?!

Dewey, it's gone.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

You feeling better?

Yeah, I think so. Thanks.


Now tell me the damn combination!


Can I talk to you for a second?

Listen, fellas.

I want to get this over with as much as you do.

So why don't you give me five minutes with him.

I guarantee you I will get that combination for you.

Listen, Craig, I think these guys really mean business.

Now, you know and I know there is less than $700 in that safe.

Do you really think the lives of seven employees is worth less than $700?

Lois, this isn't just about the money.

Sometimes a man has to have his dignity.

So what if they kill me?

But before they kill you, they're going to try to get that combination from you any way they can.

Can you picture yourself with shattered eye sockets?

Because that's where they're going to start.

They can break every one of your fingers and toes.

They can even cut a couple of them off.

Did... did you see the buck knife in the big guy's boot?

Do you really want to antagonize that big buck knife, Craig?

Do you really want to feel it slicing into your flesh?

Craig, stay with me.



Pass the salt, please.

How long do we have to stay in here?

Till all the bats are gone.

And with every window and door wide open in this house, it's only a matter of time.

Can't new ones just fly in?

So, Dewey, how was school today?

Mikey Duffy pushed me down. Did you push him back?

No. He's bigger than me.

Uh-huh. Reese?

I'm on it.

This is crazy!

I can't eat!

Why? Is something bothering you at school, son?

Oh. Right.

Anybody want my baked potato?

It's kind of burnt.

No, thanks.

Reese, we aren't having baked potatoes.

All right! That's it!

Let's just move!

Mom will find us somehow.


I'm tired of running.

I'm tired of screaming like a girl every five minutes.

I will not be put out of my home by a bunch of airborne rodents, and neither will you!

I may have been the one that brought them into this house, but it is up to all of us to show them the door.

Get ready, boys.

It's time to put out the bats.



Oh, yeah!

I got your money here!

Okay, this isn't exactly what we expected... but, hey, now you can say you've been to a cockfight.

Okay, Dewey, there's one bat left, and it's in your mother's room.

Now, this one is the tricky bat, the one who has eluded all the other traps.

What was it you named him? Tricky.

Right. Well, now we have a very good trap, but someone has to lure Tricky into it, and that someone is you.

Why me? Because... you have the shortest hair.

You see, if he lands on your head, he'll just bite once and fly away, but if he lands on your brother's or my head, he'll get caught in our hair and bite us and bite us until we are dead.

Do you understand that?

Yes. Good.


I want you to go in that room and poke him with this stick until that bat chases you.

Good luck.

I don't know about you, boys, but I am awfully darn proud of us.

All right, somebody get the dustpan.

Lois, are you all right?

No, I am not all right.

I'm sitting here at gunpoint, and I wouldn't have to be if you'd stop being stupid and give them the combination.

I told you, I can't do that.

Craig, please. I'm frightened.

I want to go home and be with my family.

They never told me the combination.

What did you just say?

They never told me the combination.

They said they couldn't trust me with it.

They gave the combination to the guy who runs the photo lab next door.

He comes in at night and transfers the money.

Why didn't you just say this earlier?

I don't know. I guess I wasn't in a big rush to let everybody know what a pathetic idiot I am.

Oh, Craig, I'm so sorry.

Lois, I love you.


Lois, I love you with all my heart.

You're my reason to get up in the morning.

You are my everything. Craig...

Lois, I don't want to feel this way.

I know you're married, I know you have four beautiful boys.

It's my heart.

I wish I didn't have a heart... but I do, and I can't help loving you.

I can't help loving you with my stupid, stupid heart.

Oh, Craig... why'd you have to say that?

Dear sweet Craig.

I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry for the way you feel.

I'm sorry for any indication I ever gave you that I consider you anything more than a friend.

And I am so sorry for what I have to do now... because now I have to crush whatever it is in you that made you do what you just did.

I am going to have to hurt you very, very badly, but believe me, Craig, it's for your own good.

Number one... no to everything you just said.

No to what you're thinking.

No to everything you dream.

No to your what-ifs.

No to every single fantasy, wish, dream, and elaborate scenario that involves the two of us.

No, no, no!

Number two...


Remember that pain.

And whenever a thought creeps into your head wondering if there's anything more to the hello I gave you in the morning, you remember that pain.

You have no future with me.

You have nothing with me.

I'm sorry.

Whoa, chubs, you got faced.

You want this?!

You want this stupid, stupid, stupid safe?!

Here's your stupid safe!


Craig, are you all right?

I don't know. I heard something rip, and if it wasn't my pants, it was inside of me.

See? What'd I tell you?

Cockfighting is illegal.

But you made some good bets.

What'd you win, ten bucks?

You should feel good about that.

We are going to jail!

When my parents find out, I'll be living in military institutions until I'm emancipated!

You don't even realize how serious this is, do you?!

You know what the funny thing is though?

You did manage to put things in perspective.

There are worse things than losing your girlfriend, and I've experienced every one of them tonight.

Thank you, Francis.

I really owe you one.

You know, I think I'll be back in circulation in no time.

You never know.

Craig, our assistant manager, just tossed the safe at them.

I never saw anything like it.

The guy's a hero.

♪ Hey, did you happen to see ♪

♪ The most beautiful girl in the world? ♪

♪ And if you did ♪

♪ Was she crying ♪

♪ Crying? ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Did you happen to see ♪

♪ The most beautiful girl ♪

♪ That walked out on me? ♪

♪ Tell her I'm sorry ♪

♪ Tell her I need my baby ♪

♪ Oh, ho-ho-ho... ♪

You sure worked late.

How was your night?




Why is there an armoire in the living room?

Happy anniversary.