Malcolm in the Middle S2E9 Script

High School Play (2000)

I'm home.

Hi, honey.

We're on our own tonight.

I thought maybe we'd go out to dinner.

Where are the kids?

Malcolm's over at Stevie's.

Reese has got hockey practice.

Dewey's at Billy's... or one of the neighbor kids.

So, we're on our own.

What are you in the mood for?

That has got to be a new record.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

There you go.

People are always asking our class to volunteer for stuff.

They just assume we're social rejects with nothing better to do.

It's true.

I just don't like having it thrown in my face.

So, our school needs a kid about your age to be in our school play.

It'll be a lot of fun.

The play is by a guy named William Shakespeare.

He was a writer way back in the olden times.

He was a syphilitic drunk fronting for the 14th Earl of Oxford.

Why can't you leave the Bard alone?

So he didn't have the benefit of higher education.

How many PhDs have written King Lear?

Now, now, now.

Try to remember we have a guest.

Let's save our heated words for Open Forum Friday.

Meghan, continue.

Whoever he was, he had a pointy little beard and he wrote a really good play called A Midsummer Night's Dream.

We need someone to play the Changeling Boy.

Okay, before anyone gets too excited, there is a downside.

You'll probably have to miss class.

I'll do it! He can't.

We're working on a secret project that...

I've said too much.

Okay, I thought we agreed no more secret projects.

Some of you still don't have your eyebrows back from your last secret project.

I can do both.

All right, just as long as you know where your priorities are.

I can go now.

Did you see her necklace? I used to think she was so boring, but now that she's bi-curious, she's just so much, I don't know, cooler.

Oh, my God, that is so true.

She's, like, totally changed personalities since she's been wheat-free.

Oh, and have you heard?

Mark is totally out of that swing thing, which is so over, and into goth...

Oh, On the Road.

I read that. It's a really good book.

That's Travis. He has angst.

Look at all these people.

They're pierced, they're brooding.

They're wearing weird clothes.

They don't care about anything.

It's like a room full of Francises.

Okay, people...

We're doing act three, scene two.

Oberon! Puck!

Where's my Puck?

I think he has a wrestling meet.

Hey, you.

Changeling Boy.

Can you read? Yeah.

You got half these kids beat.

Read Puck for the day.

Page 27.

"This is thy negligence.

"Still thou mistak'st

"Or commit'st thy knaveries willfully.

"Believe me, king of shadows, I mistook.

"Did not you tell me I should know the man

"by the Athenian garments he had on?

"And so far blameless proves my enterprise.

"That I have 'nointed an Athenian's eyes.

And so far..."

You went from a part with no lines to the lead in the high school play?

Oh, that's great.

It's not a musical, is it?

No. That's great.

Dude, you play a fairy?

Not just any fairy, Reese.

He's the biggest fairy in the whole play.

I am so proud of you.

Rehearsals are every night.

You have to get me there by 5:00.

Every night?

Oh, yeah, we build sets on the weekends.

Okay, we can do this. If I go into work early, I can get off in enough time to drop you off at rehearsal before I take Reese to hockey-- except the days Reese has detention.

And then Dewey's home alone.

I'll take care of it.

I can rearrange my schedule for a couple weeks.

It'll be fun spending some time together.

Can we run over things in the car like we did last time? Da-da-shh...

It was already dead.

Hmm, this is your best guacamole yet, Joe.

Thanks. The secret is fresh lime juice. Yeah.

Commandant on the floor.

No, no...

Please don't let me disturb you.

Make yourselves at home.

Wait a minute.

This is not your home.

This is not your mama's house.

There's no maid here to clean up your toys, and, yet, as I look around this institution of learning, I see video games, I see girlie magazines.

And I see Garth...

Garth Vader defiling our Wall of Remembrance.

Well, clearly things have gotten a little lax around here.

I blame myself, but it is you who will suffer.

From now on, there will be weekly inspections.

And you will relinquish all non-standard-issue personal effects and artwork.

It is time for you to learn that true happiness comes from within.

Is that why you're so happy, sir?

I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl, Cadet.

Okay, spaghetti, toilet cleaner, glitter for Malcolm's costume...

I think that's it.

Oh, my God, is that right?

What time do you have?

Uh, 5:45.


That's not possible. I... dropped off Malcolm, picked up Reese.

Dinner's in the oven.


What is it?

I have the next 25 minutes free.

How did you manage that?

Did you leave a kid somewhere?

No, no, they're, they're all accounted for.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

Huh? Yeah, um...

I don't know.

So this goes here?

Yeah, and that should do it.

Hey, these were in English.

This is nice.

Never looks like the box when I do it alone.

Me either.

We make a good team.

All right.

You start on Main Street.

I'll do University Place and we'll meet at the bistro, say... noon-ish?

Would you like a massage?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm really not a massage person.

It only takes 15 minutes.


I do have some time to kill.

I am not taking off my shirt.

And I'm warning you, I've never been hypnotized.

And I've never been relaxed.


That actually feels...

...feels... pretty good.

"Pleading for a lover's fee

"Shall we their fond pageant see?

"Lord, what fools these mortals be!"

I am very upset with you, Malcolm.

You've made me care again.

Malcolm, that was terrific.

God, I'd give anything to be as good as you.

I mean, if you're this good now, imagine how amazing you're going to be when you're 15.

And think of how cute he's going to be when he's 15.

Oh, my God. Did I just giggle?

Did you just... giggle?

Stevie, what are you doing here?

You missed... the meeting.

You're jeopardi... zing... our project.

Great. See you in class.

I wonder if I could just go straight to high school?

I've been told skipping grades stunts you socially, but I think I've been lied to.

But, sir, that's a photo of my sister.

To you she's your sister.

To the other cadets she's a... distraction.

Now, if you need me to go into more detail on that, I will.

How long are those sideburns, Cadet?

This is crazy.

Even prisoners can have photographs.

Spangler's trying to take away the things that remind us we're still human.

Francis, don't rock the boat.

I don't care anymore.

It's time to take a last desperate stand for individuality and freedom!

Malcolm! Reese! Get a move on!

Oh, good God, Hal, when are you going to clean this up?

Malcolm! Reese! Let's go!

Honey, I promised Dewey I'd spend time with him.

This must have cost a fortune.

Oh... we'll talk about this later.

Some of us have places to be!

So, Dewey, I'm thinking our little community can use a school.

Don't need it.

Everyone's born smart.

Oh, that's beautiful, son.

It's a utopia.

And anyone stupid will be ground up for food.

Ah... a cannibal utopia.


Oh, you're still here?

I was just doing some shopping and I thought while I was here, you know, I'd, I'd stop over and say "hi."

Oh, my God.

How do you do that?

Release points.

This one releases the mind.

This one releases the heart.

And you know what this one does.


We need... to talk.

You've missed our last five secret meetings, and our test-run's in less than 20 minutes.

Why do you hate us?

Guys, I don't hate you.

I've just been really busy.

We're still friends.


Of course.

So, you're not bailing on the project?

No. Then you have the final figures?

Yeah, I worked on them all night after rehearsal.

They're in my desk.


It was the other kids who doubted you.

Hey, Malcolm...

You need a ride?

I got to go.

Come on, get in.

Hi, Malcolm.


She's distracted.

We have to do it now.

The program is running.

Let's light this candle.

Ignition... in... five... four... three...


Blast off.

Its trajectory seems rather peculiar.

Okay, there are any number of reasons why that might have gone wrong.

Where... is it?

Take cover!

I work hard, too.

But I manage to make it to the Lamaze class.

We had a vote. We want you to get rid of the plant.

You're going to get us all in trouble with this little stunt of yours.

This isn't a stunt.

It's an act of defiance.

It's a plant.

Can't you see this isn't about a plant?

It's about fighting tyranny, fascism and oppression.

When Spangler sees this, he'll know that he didn't crush our spirit and he never will.

It's not worth the risk.

Once again, it looks like I'm the only man around here.

I can't believe Nicole's wearing a dress like that.

You can totally see her navel.

If she wants to be a slut, that's fine, but don't make me lose my lunch. I know.

She's, like, totally trying to impress David, but the way he's all up in Brenda's business, she didn't have a chance.

I can't believe how deep our conversations are getting.

You're never gonna believe what I heard about Josh, but you can't tell anyone.

I overheard his stepsister while I was in the bathroom.

His half-sister or stepsister?

No, his stepsister.

That's why he can have a crush on her.

Ew. Ew.

They were just talking about me, weren't they?

No. We were talking about Josh.

Oh, my God. His father, like, totally went down after catching him in the hot tub with his stepsister, but you know what?

I don't even think he knows the whole story.

Whoops, that's my cue.

I feel guilty having so much fun at ditching the Krelboynes, but I'm sure they're doing fine without me.

You boys are just lucky no one called the police.

You can't prove there's any correlation between our rocket exploding and Caroline giving birth in the parking lot.

She and the baby are fine.

Thanks for asking.

And the... rocket?

Oh, God, then it's true.

It's finished.

A perfect society.

We have done what 5,000 years of so-called civilization couldn't do.

We've created a world that works.


You want to destroy it, don't you?


Well, I appreciate that you haven't.

You've shown a lot of restraint.



Oh, honey, uh, look, I know we got a little carried away, but this is it, I promise.

That's okay. I'm going grocery shopping.

Didn't you just go grocery shopping?

Yeah, sure. No problem.

Thank you. Where's Mr. Li?

Excuse me?

The massage guy. Where is he?

Oh. He's not working here anymore.

What do you mean?

That's impossible.

He would never leave without telling me.

Well, I could try to find out where he moved to.

So he could leave me again?

Forget it! It's over!

I heard John has a new piercing.

I'll give you three guesses where, and it's not the ear or belly button.

Well, Julie would know. She went camping with him when her boyfriend was out of town.

John takes all the girls camping and he tries to convince them to go skinny-dipping with him, but I think seeing John naked would turn me off guys forever.

Oh, you know what we should totally do?

We should totally have a pool party at my house on Saturday.

Malcolm, want to come? Yeah. Wait.

I have something to do on Saturday.

Oh, yeah, the play.

Live, live, die.

Live, live, live, live, die.

Hey, what happened to the judicial system presided over by a tribunal of wise elders?

I had 'em lined up and shot.


You know, son, maybe you've been spending too much...


Seize him!

All right, son, I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed.

Dad! You're embarrassing me in front of my men.

Hal! Why is this still here?!


No fair! You did it without me?

Spangler's coming. Lose the plant.

Time has come. We're drawing the line.

This is our Alamo.

Well, that's a bad example, but you know what I mean.


This is more like it.

Everything shipshape.

The commanding officer enters and is greeted by straightened backs and the crack of shoe leather.

Now I know it's been a rough couple of days, but you will agree, we are the better for it.

We are a lean, mean learning machine.

Now, I know that some of you think that I'm a sadist, but someday you will thank me.

Man, that's brutal.

Is there anything we can do to cheer you up?

Do you have any more pictures of your sister?

I give him curses, yet he gives me love.

O that my prayers could such affection move!

Hal, please, stop.

You're making it worse.

The more I love, the more he hateth me.

His folly, Helena, is no fault of mine.

You okay, sport?

You can play no part for Pyramus for Pyramus is a proper man as one shall see in a summer's day.

Therefore you must...

Why are we here?

Malcolm betrayed us.

If you love something, let it go.

Save your cat poster philosophy for someone else.

We're taking... the high road.

We will meet and there we may...

But you were totally scamming together?

No. We were just smacking.

She claims she was just "hanging out" with Andrew at the party, but they were really hooking up.

I can't believe she would...

Enough. Hold, or cut both strings.

Was that my cue? Quick, lower me.

Oh, my God, that is so true.

Think of how cute he's going to be...

You can totally see her navel.

If she wants to be a slut, that's fine, but don't make me lose my lunch.

I'm totally not calling her back until she apologizes.

By being her friend, I enable her assy behavior.

This must be one of those times where it feels like an eternity but only a few seconds have gone by.

How come Malcolm hasn't said anything for five minutes?


Normally, I would enjoy the schadenfreude, but this is just sad.


How now, spirit? Wither wander you?

How now, spirit?

Wither wander you?


Who is that kid?

The King doth keep his revels here tonight.

The King doth keep his revels here tonight.

So, good night unto you all.

Give me your hands if we be friends and Robin shall restore amends.

It's over?

But you promised me partial nudity.

Yeah, that was a lie.

And the ice cream after?

That, too.

How now, spirit?

Wither wonder you?

The King doth keep his revels here tonight.

I knew I knew it!

Take heed the Queen come not within his sight for Oberon is passing fell and wrath because that she, as her attendant, hath a lovely boy stolen from the Indian king;

She never had so sweet a changeling.