Malcolm in the Middle S5E1 Script

Vegas (2003)

Goo-goo-goo-goo. Goo-goo-goo-goo.

Look. Your Aunt Felicia sent us two presents for the baby.

A ballerina outfit and a football?

Well, I guess she's hedging her bets.

I mean, Jamie could be a name for either sex.

Well, I guess I'll just send this one to Goodwill.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

The birth announcement clearly said that Jamie's a... Hey.

They changed the little dinosaur.

That's right. All it takes is one look to see that Jamie is clearly a...

Reese! For crying out loud!

How can anyone not know what you are?


Nice try, mister.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Come on, Gordo. One more bite and it's all gone.

What are you doing with my rabbit?

Just giving him his afternoon bacon.

He's too fat.

You have to stop feeding him.

I'm the one who has to sit through the Junior Farmers' meetings while everyone makes fun of him.

Those people are small-minded idiots who have no idea what we're trying to do.

What are we trying to do?

I don't know.

I kind of had this vision of me riding him through town, knocking over cars, but that's probably not realistic.

What happened to you?

Some idiot forgot to top off the oil in the tractor, and the whole damn engine blew.

Well, whose job is that?

Mine. I'm telling you, this whole ranch is a disaster.

The furnace is clogged.

The generator's out of diesel.

Even the gate to the cow pen is falling apart.

All those things are your responsibility.

I don't know what's going on with you lately, but you'd better get it together.

Otto's a pretty easygoing boss, but even he has limits.

Fire! Fire! Francis, is a fire!

What? Where?

Right here on your cake.

God, it's been a year already?

As of 9/31.

So far, your first three hours of year two are going much better than I ever could have hoped.



You won the jackpot.

Oh, my God, would you look at this?

What does Reese do to his underpants?

There's not enough money in the world to make me look up.

What's this?

"Certificate of Achievement for Excellence in Science"?

From the state?

It's nothing. They hand these out like candy.

Don't be so modest.

It's wonderful, and I think it proves my point about you not getting that earring.

How does that...? Malcolm.

Malcolm, I need to talk to you.

You read all those science magazines.

What can you tell me about the meaning of dreams?


Well, some people think they express your subconscious wishes...

No, no, no, no, no.

The other kind of dreams, prophetic ones that predict the future.

I had one.

About a giant slot machine.

That's insane, Dad.

Oh, it was so vivid.

There, there was this mysterious stain on my shirt an-and a balloon, and then this music and then I hit this gigantic jackpot.

It was a sign, son. I know it.

It's my destiny.


You have weird dreams all the time.

Like the singing trash cans.

I never said that was prophetic.

I said it was cool.


What did they think of Gordo?

They called him a monster.

Then they called me a crime against nature.

Maybe it was the other way around.

All I remember is, I was crying.

You have to expect this kind of resistance when you're trying to play God.

Just wait till we get to the nationals. Then we'll get some respect.

We're not going to the nationals!

They're all the way in Las Vegas!

Las Vegas?!

What's in Las Vegas?

A chance for Reese to make me look like a jerk in front of the entire country.

Well, don't you worry, son.

We won't miss that.

Of course we'll go to Vegas!

Did you hear that, Malcolm? This is another sign!

All I have to do is cash in our life insurance policy to pay for the trip...

Dad, are you sure you want to...?

Son, you don't need life insurance when you're a kajillionaire.

It doesn't make fiscal sense.

Maybe you want to run your plan by Mom first.

I will. I will.

I just want to be careful about it.

But if I explain it in just the right way...

A $1,000 bonus from work.

Hal, I am so proud of you.

Hey, considering the $12 million I saved them with my idea for outsourcing flux capacitors, it was the least they can do.

And part of that roast is for you, Malcolm...

Mr. State Science Achievement.

Yeah, it, it was nothing.

Is that what that big ceremony at school was for?


What ceremony? There was a ceremony?

Yeah, the mayor was there, and we all got out of school.

Stop kicking me!

I'll get to the news crew in a second.

Malcolm, how could you not tell us about something so important?

We're your parents!

You're overreacting. It wasn't a big deal.

That's not for you to decide!

How can you be so selfish?

I wasn't being selfish.

I just didn't want you there because you em...


Abort! Abort!



At least I know.

Give Gordo your fat.

Hey, Mom, do you want the rest of my milk shake?

It's really good.

No, thanks. I'm fine.

It's strawberry.

I know that's your favorite.

I'll take that.

Hal, look!

Boone Vincent is playing in Las Vegas.

Who's Boone Vincent?

Your mom's boyfriend.

Stop it.

You would not believe this jackass, boys.

Women go crazy for him.

He plays every instrument in the orchestra.

He sings in four languages.

And you like him just as much as I do!

Oh, please, I just said that to get you into bed.

That... when, that time you were so sick and you needed your rest.

Hey, check it out!

Only eight more miles to Vegas! Hey!

Hal, look at this place.

It's so classy.

What's the matter?

Never seen an 80-pound rabbit before?


Got a little spit-up.


Oh... honey, do you have a little, uh..


Oh, my God! That's the one!

Yes! I knew it!

Oh, my God, Hal. You won the jackpot!

I can't believe it!

So, Malcolm?

What do you and your science have to say now?

We say you're having another dream, Dad.

Don't believe him. This is real.

♪ We wouldn't lie to you. ♪

I can't hear you, Otto. There's too much static.

And yelling won't help.

Yes, Otto, I know about the well.

I was going to fence it off last week.

I just didn't get around to it.

Otto, I can't hear you.

I will fence off the well as soon as I find it.


Can you hear me now?

My God, look at these puny rabbits.

What do people do with them?

I don't know.

Maybe love them and hug them and watch them hop around the backyard, which they can do because their feet can touch the ground.

I bet Gordo could fit that one in his mouth.

Hey, Mom, I... Did you find your father?

No. I-I wasn't... Well, it doesn't matter.

I went through his wallet when we passed the state line.

Let's see how much damage he can do with $20 and a library card.

Okay, look, since you're obviously too caught up in playing the martyr here to even listen to an apology, you've forced me to go out and get these.

They're for that stupid Boone Vincent guy.

We're going together.

Hey, that came out better than I thought.

VIP seats?!

Hi, my name is Dewey and this is my...

Good Lord!

What have you done to this poor animal?

In all my years of judging rabbits, this is the uncutest thing I have ever seen.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my...!

Help us!

We have fallen down a well and we can't get out!

If there is anyone up there who is just very shy, do not worry!

We are not judgmental!

As a matter of fact, when I was a little boy...

Otto, please!

No one can hear you.

This is not productive.

Can we just... Can we think for a second?

Don't you ever blink?

Maybe I blink at the precise moment that you blink!

That is ridiculous! How could you possibly know that?

Why don't you spend less time worrying about my blinking and more time fencing up wells!

Germans hate dying in wells!

Fine! If you are so unhappy with the work I do around here, then I quit!

Imagine I stormed off!

I did.

Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

We're going to see Boone Vincent.

Look at these seats!

This is incredible!

Another Boone-a-tic, I see.

The Bad Boone Rising tour, were you there?

I had floor seats when he had his first heart attack.

These are my sons.

This is Malcolm and this is Jamie.

Oh, my Joey is here with me, too.

Maybe the boys can sit together.

Two apricot sours. Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for the voice that is America.

It's Boone...!

♪ I'm coming up ♪

♪ So you'd better get the party started... ♪

♪ He's coming up, he's coming ♪

♪ I'm coming up ♪

♪ So you'd better get the party started ♪

♪ Get this party started on a Saturday night ♪

♪ Everybody's waiting for me to arrive ♪

♪ I got lots of style, check my gold diamond rings ♪

♪ I can go for miles, if you know what I mean... ♪ The worst part is, this is my first concert.

♪ I'm coming up... ♪ Those aren't for you! Pass 'em up!

♪ He's coming up, he's coming ♪

♪ I'm coming up... ♪

Have you ever had a dream that didn't come true?

Surprisingly, no.

Dewey, where have you been?

Hi, Reese. This is Crystal.

It turns out we had Gordo in the wrong category.

We had him in the pet rabbit competition, when he should have been in the market rabbit competition.

I took him over there, and he won first place!


Some guy named Chez Richard bought him for $1.90 a pound.

We made like 150 bucks!

Chez Richard?!

That's the restaurant!

How could you do that?!

They're going to kill him and eat him!

Don't you understand?

He was my best friend in the whole world!

Mine, too.

It's all right, sugar.

My best friend got killed in a restaurant.

You'll get over it eventually.

♪ Papa don't preach ♪

♪ I'm in trouble deep ♪

♪ Papa don't preach ♪

♪ I've been losing sleep ♪

♪ But I've made up my mind ♪

♪ She's keeping my baby ♪

♪ We're keeping his baby ♪ Cry, scream, projectile vomit!

Do something to get us out of here!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Mr. Vincent appreciates your enthusiasm.

He wonders if you'd like to come backstage and meet him.

Oh, my...

Oh, my God, you get to see the "Booney Bin!"

♪ I'm in trouble deep... ♪ I bet you won't be too embarrassed to tell your friends about this.

♪ Please, Papa! Please, Papa! ♪

♪ No, Papa! No, Papa! ♪ Okay.

I'll cause a distraction.

You go in the kitchen and get Gordo.

Oh, my God. This boy's choking!

You're not doing it hard enough.


Move, I'm bigger.



Once again, we're very sorry about all the trouble we caused.

I know there's no way we can make up for the broken tables, or the paramedics, or the fire, or the guy that was really choking that nobody noticed.

He touched my shoulder!

I can't believe this is actually happening!

I can smell his cologne out here!

Oh, my God, I'm next.

Does my hair look okay?

Compared to his?

Hello, sweetheart. Thank you for your support.

It means so much to me.

No, thank you for your music.

Especially, um, "Cinnamon Rainbow."

That is my all-time favorite.


Mine, too, but no one's ever told me that before.

Come in.

I'm going in. I don't care what I see.

Yes, I do. Who am I kidding?

You mean he actually said he didn't want you at his awards ceremony?

I can handle his being mad at me, but this was...

Right to the old love pump.

That's how I got to see your show.

My son bought tickets to try to make it up to me.

That's not an olive branch.

That's the whole damn tree.

Ah, it's like I say when I'm in the astronaut suit...

"I believe the children are our future."

I do, too.

You can't really take what they say too seriously.

They're teenagers.

I'll let you in on a little secret, Lois...

Even my 14-year-old is embarrassed by me.

No. I know.

Hard to believe, isn't it?

But you can't hold onto the past, Lois.

You've got to live in the here and now.

Because the here and now is a special, special gift.

That's why I call it... the present.


Oh, are you still here? I thought you quit.

You were right.

This is my fault.

For some reason, I've been sabotaging everything lately.

Knowing that I've been here for a year, it's like people are depending on me now.

And I know that at some point, I'm going to let them down.

Don't be ridiculous.

No one... expects you to be perfect.

If I wanted perfection I would have hired a robot or a Swede, but I hired you, Francis, because you're smart, you're a hard worker, and when you make a mistake, you fix it.

If falling down a well every once in a while is the price I must pay to have you, so be it.

Thanks, Otto.

There you are!

Thank God!

How did you find us?

We just followed the fire.

What fire?

One of the cows got through the gate you didn't fix.

And it knocked over one of the heat lamps you never took in.

Which set fire to the trail of gasoline from the open can in the back of your truck.

Which, by the way, also is on fire.

Ah, you see, Francis?

You thought you were a screwup.

90,000 slot machines and not one of them right.

I am never trusting a prophetic dream again.

Thanks again, Malcolm.

Don't tell your father, but meeting Boone Vincent actually made my knees...

Aah! No-no-no-no-no-no...

Hal! What the...? I found you!

It's all here!

Would you like a free pull, sir?

Yes, I would.


I knew it!

Hal, what is the matter?

It's fate, Lois!

I knew this would happen!

I couldn't tell you because I knew you would be too closed-minded.

I cashed in our life insurance for this, but it all paid off!

We are rich!

You did what?!

Congratulations, sir.

What's this?

It's a coupon for a two-night stay at the Carson City Breezeway Motel.

All you have to do is listen to a four-hour presentation about a wonderful time-share opportunity.

Do they have slot machines in Carson City?

Come on, Gordo.

You have to eat the pellets.

You can't have any fattening food anymore.

Please, Gordo, you've got to try one...


I cut my finger.

He's eating.

I think he likes your blood.

Okay, if I black out, pull my finger out of his mouth.

So, ten hours of stony silence?

I may have some thoughts I feel like sharing.

I'll let you know.

Well, this trip wasn't a total loss.

At least I...

It was a total loss.

The good news is, the survival mechanism in my brain is kicking in.

I'm already starting to block out what happened this weekend.

♪ I feel like making love ♪

♪ Feel like making love... ♪

♪ Feel like making love to you ♪

♪ Ooh. ♪