Malcolm in the Middle S5E11 Script

Ida's Boyfriend (2004)

Who's a big leaguer, huh?

Who is it?

Ooh!

Hey, what an arm!

Oh! You got me again.

Bam! You really nailed me.

He looked like he was enjoying it!

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Morning.

What are you hiding?

What are you talking about?

Stop wasting my time.

I can smell the guilt from here.

You know, if you fess up now, I might go easy on you.

You can't just pretend to know something, hoping I'll blurt out a confession.

I'm not hiding anything.

Okay, I'm hiding something.

Cool, huh?

If I hide it from my parents for a month until it heals, then I can take it out and put it back anytime I want.

And do you know why I did this?

Me neither.

Hey, that's really neat.

Thanks. It's the USS Constitution.

In 1803, it sailed all the...

Typhoon!

I can't believe you did that!

How about now?

You idiotic...!

I hate you!

I wish you weren't my brother!

I wish you never existed!

Wow. How did that happen?

What?

It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

What is?

I wished as hard as I could and Reese completely disappeared.

Yeah, yeah, very funny.

Huh. The smell is gone, too.

I wonder if it works on other things.

Nah. If this were gone, I'd miss it.

You have your father's breasts.

For God's sake, Mother, what are you doing here?

A simple "hello" is asking too much?

I'm sorry.

You scared the living daylights out of me.

I have news.

Look, if Susan kicked you out, it doesn't mean you can stay here, because we just don't have the room.

Not with the new baby and all.

Oh, yes, another precious baby.

You wouldn't want your welfare checks to dry up.

I'm not moving in. I'm getting married.

What?!

His name is Mr. Li.

I met him on my Alaska cruise.

We're getting married tomorrow.

You're getting married tomorrow?!

At my age, if he has his teeth and is good in bed, why wait?

Oh, I forgot.

This one doesn't like girls.

Grandma, I'm not gay.

That's right. I'm just a liar.

You'll be giving the rehearsal dinner here tonight.

Tonight? Is Susan coming?

No. Maybe next time your sister will think twice before she yells the answer to Wheel of Fortune.

Give someone else a chance.

Wedding's at 2:00 tomorrow.

Don't be late.

We have a 6:00 flight to Hong Kong.

You're going to Hong Kong?

Yes. He has a house there. That's where we're going to live.

You're moving to China?

I know.

Chickens in the streets, children in the sweatshops, everyone smokes.

It's a dream come true.

It's just so sudden.

I understand it is hard for you.

I know how much you loved your father.

Yes, that's probably it.

Can you believe this?

She'll be almost exactly on the other side of the Earth.

We'll be separated from her by the entire molten core of a planet.

It's like Christmas!

Francis, I've done something wonderful for the hotel.

I hired an acting group to stage a murder- mystery weekend.

Oh, dear God.

The best part is, the actors will be checking in as regular guests.

They could be among us right now and we would never know it.

Attention, please!

A room for Sir Reginald Drake and his vengeful, alcoholic wife, Evelyn.

I don't have any clean socks, Dewey.

Why don't you ask Reese?

Who?

Here, Dewey, put this on the table.

What was that?

Reese, for God's sake, pick it up!

Oh, great.

Honey, don't worry.

Everything's going to be fine.

Just relax and let's have a nice dinner.

Ida's quite a catch!

Hi, I'm Lois. This is Hal.

Welcome to our home.

Hello. Nice to meet you both.

Get your coat?

Stay away from me.

Ooh. Strong and independent.

Yet not so independent that she won't be a fully participating partner in your marriage.

Shut up. You're blithering like an idiot.

And delightfully honest.

How can you be so callous, Cedric?!

I told you never to speak of that!

Now quit these pointless hysterics and come to dinner!

You'd best watch your step, Cedric.

An old English hunting lodge can be a very dangerous place.

Please, can't you get these morons out of here?

I know. I'm very sorry.

Just... try to ignore them.

Alas, I am slain!

Utterly slain!

Who would have guessed that I would have been murdered by none other than...

That's it. We're checking out.

No!

Please, wait.

Otto, you have to stop this.

It's ruining everyone's time.

Francis, try to be more understanding.

They may be a little under-rehearsed, but they're working with us.

They were completely open to cutting the musical numbers.

Our guests are leaving in droves.

We lost 12 in the last hour alone.

I am not a big game hunter, I am actually a police inspector.

Specialty... murder.

I must insist that no one leave the room!

Angela, I know things didn't go so well the last time, but I'm ready to try this again.

Yes, Warren? Yes?

We'll start our questioning with you, sir.

If you've nothing to hide, you've nothing to fear!

If you struggle, it'll only make it worse for you.

Maybe I shouldn't have given him all the keys to the guest rooms.

Dinner's going okay so far.

Mr. Li seems nice.

But my tongue is killing me.

No one told me that putting a metal spike through it would be so uncomfortable.

So, you two lovebirds met on a cruise.

What was that like?

What is this, the third degree?

People meet. Happens every day.

It's an interesting story.

The woman I dined with the first night was confined to sickbay after she fell overboard.

We had rough seas.

But as often happens, misfortune brings opportunity, for it was then I met the beautiful Ida.

Sorry. Swallowed a bug.

Come on, Dewey.

Have a dumpling. They're your favorite.

And the only way you can get one is by taking it off this plate that I'm holding, which proves that I exist.

If no one's eating this, I will.

Mom, Jamie's got your cigarettes.

Who the hell is Jamie?

Your grandson.

Huh. We never named them till we were sure they would survive.

I love this dark humor of hers.

I'm telling you, you have nothing but fun ahead of you.

Reese, this firecracker shrimp is fantastic.

Yes. I didn't know you can get such hot peppers in America.

Something wrong?

I just realized that Grandma's really leaving!

I need to be alone.

You should get him a woman before it's too late.

An ugly one.

They're cheaper, they work harder.

It's okay.

I'm sure I had yellow goo coming out of my tongue before it got pierced.

Drink your tea.

You hate it when it gets cold.

Oh, darling, you have something in your hair.

What?

Under your wig.

What are you doing?! Get out of there!

What is this?

A list of my bank accounts... and the amounts in them.

I had to know what I was getting into.

Wise as well as beautiful.

If we are going to get married, it is only fair you know how much money I have.

If you're done tearing at me like a hyena, I have to go fix myself.

Thank you so very much for allowing me into your home.

Put on your makeup somewhere else, Nancy!

So, I am just so incredibly curious.

You're in love with... my mom?

I know it seems strange to people.

I know that we are so very different.

But ever since I met your mother, I've...

She just makes me happy.

I'm the happiest I've ever been in my whole life.

And "happy" in your culture means the same as...?

It's open.

Ah, gentlemen.

I was expecting my fellow thespians.

We're going to add a few delicious wrinkles to the plot tomorrow.

Actually, that is what we wanted to talk to you about.

Uh-uh-uh.

If you think I'm going to give away the ending, you're sadly mistaken.

Although...

I might pay particular attention to the enigmatic Mrs. Pomfreet.

Otto... I'm sorry. We have to cancel the show.

Or Lord McGregor, the gruff, but...

What?

You've all done a wonderful job, but we had a scheduling mix-up and you'll have to go.

Thank you for the wonderful work you've done.

Oh, God, please don't fire us!

If we lose this job, it's over.

There's no place lower in show business we can go.

If you think I'm bad at this, you should have seen me at the Dairy Queen.

This is our last chance.

Please don't do this.

Please.

Please? Please?!

Please?

Please?

Please?

I can't believe you didn't fire them.

I remember him from Dairy Queen.

He was bad.

Oh, no, no, no.

Malcolm, quit messing around in there and get out here.

We're leaving for the wedding.

I'll be out in a minute.

Hold your horses.

What?

Nothing.

Horses...

Oh, my God, it's swollen so much, I can't say my S's.

Mom's going to kill me.

Wait. I can hide it.

I'll be careful... how I talk.

And avoid... that letter completely.

Simple.

Well, looks like all of Ida's friends showed up.

Let's hope this thing starts soon.

Hey, Malcolm, what time does the parking lot close?

6:00, 6:30, 7:00?

Military time, that would be 1900, Dad.

Ah, here's the blushing bride!

I'm sorry, the hotel doesn't allow smoking in here.

Back off, you cow.

This is my special day.

Hal, do you think...?

Lois, I know it's weird, but love is blind and it's none of our business, so we might as well just let it go, wish them well, and move on.

I know I have.

Okay, I admit I've been a crummy brother, and I shouldn't have smashed your ship, and I probably should have tried out that new choke hold on an animal before using it on you.

So, anyway, I got you this.

Oh, wow!

That's so cool.

And you can play against the robots or you join them and fight the mutants.

I've always wanted this game.

I can't believe it.

And there's a trick to skip levels. Here, let me show you...

Mom, I just found the exact game I wanted for my birthday just lying on this chair.

How can he be so insensitive?

Jamie?

Ah, my love.

I almost forgot-- my grandmother wore this very necklace on her wedding day.

It's called Shuang Hsi, the Chinese symbol for double happiness.

White people aren't impressed with this junk.

You're not supposed to see me before the wedding.

Go back to your room before someone mistakes you for a waiter!

Whatever my bride wants.

I'll see you in a little while.

Oh, my God.

Opiate, opiate, mood elevator, large mammal tranquilizer...

He's not in love with her at all.

She's got him drugged!

Skies are clear at the airport.

No problem with their flight leaving.

I'm checking the freeways.

Dad, Mom, I have to tell you... a thing.

What?

Grandma... be drugging... the man from China.

What?

Grandma be drugging the man from China.

What the hell is this?

Powerful mood elevator.

A lot of them.

Bottle after bottle after bottle.

She's drugging him?

How is she doing that?

The tea.

My God, of course, the tea!

Remember, she kept refilling his cup all night.

That's how I'd do it.

You're sure that this is her purse?

Ye...

Affirmative.

Oh, stop screwing around.

Yes or no?

Yes or no?!

Not no.

Stealing an old woman's purse.

I should have you all arrested.

Us? We know what you're doing to that poor Mr. Li.

My God, I thought you were an evil, conniving monster before, but this, Mother, this is beyond the pale!

He's a human being, and you're drugging him!

It's called seduction.

It's no different from wearing perfume or padding your bra with potatoes.

What girl doesn't look for a little edge?

You are out of your mind!

Either you march up to his room and tell him this wedding is off or we're calling the police!

All right, I'm going.

Split the take?

Mom, go!

...and how could our murderer leave no footprints?

Because I submit to you that he did not walk, but rather swung... into the room... on a rope!

And the only former circus acrobat here is...

That man!

And... that woman!

Oh, Edward, the game's up.

Yeah, we done it.

And we'd do it again, Guv'ner.

Mystery solved.

Oh, bravo!

Oh, my God.

Did you feel that?

It was wonderful!

That was the best reaction we've ever had.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for giving us this chance.

No need.

The important thing is you believed in yourself and you did a great job.

What a delightful display of intrigue and whimsy.

I will remember this for years to come.

I cannot wait to tell my friends.

You hired the audience?

I hated to see him so depressed.

Within its framework of commitment and loyalty, marriage enables the establishment of a home...

They look so nice together.

Yeah, they do.

I just love weddings.

...with trust and patience, your love will grow stronger.

Weren't we supposed to stop this?

Hmm. I think you're right.

I wonder why we didn't.

Who cares?

It's nice.

Oh, I'm not worried about it.

I... I'm just... happy.

Your love and respect for each other, your trust and understanding of each other will increase your contentment...

They're all empty.

Every bottle.

She drugged us all.

That filthy, hateful monster.

But how'd she do it?

The buffet.

Oh, that's right.

It showed up right after she went to talk to Mr. Li.

That evil genius.

You know, she knew we couldn't pass up free food.

This is simply the most diabolical, hateful thing she's ever done.

But I sure do like her dress. Don't you?

I agree.

It's weird-- I used to just think thoughts.

Now my thoughts are thinking thoughts.

It's like, if I don't exist, who's saying if I don't exist?

You know what I mean?

I'll tell you who's saying it.

Me.

It's like I think, therefore...

Oh, wait.

I had it.

Don't worry, Reese, it'll come back around.

Yeah.

Hey, you spoke to me.

I exist.

For now.

...buds are yet to blossom and with care...

You know, I have to admit, part of me wishes we could just stay this happy forever.

Can we, Malcolm? Can we?

Not really.

I mean, most of these drugs wear off after four or five hours.

Malcolm, why are you lisping?

I pierced my tongue.

I've been hiding it because I knew you'd go psycho.

I'll show you psycho.

When we get home, I'm going to pull that thing out with a pair of pliers.

Sounds fair.

Be constant and consistent in your love.

From this comes the knowledge that you can weather any storm...

Did you drink your tea?

What tea?

The tea I gave you right before the ceremony.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought that was for me.

Did anyone ever tell you, you have a beautiful smile?

I haven't been to the dentist in years.

I should really give him a call...

Get on with it, God boy!

Well, someone's eager for the sacrament of married love, huh?

I think Mr. Li's coming out of it.

Ah, what a shame.

The old bat used up all her happy pills on us.

Oh, also, this is so very, very, very important.

Never go to bed angry.

I should say, never go to sleep angry.

And you know what?

Never eat salad angry.

Never eat soup sad.

Give me these.

Here.

Go.

Shall we pray...? No!

All righty then. Do you take...?

Yes!

And do you...?

Yes!

Then I now pronounce you...

Who the hell are you?

Oh, darling, don't be silly.

Get the rings!

Wait, I know you.

You're that horrible woman at my table who kept spitting at the busboys.

Oh, no, no. That was someone else.

No, it was you!

My little honey lamb.

Let me go! Hoochie-coochie.

Ow! Ooh!

Ooh!

You take your... take your hands off of me!

You can't leave me now!

I'm pregnant! Oh!

Why, why?!

Why can't I ever be happy?!

I promised I wasn't going to do this.

There's still dirt under the rim.

I've been scrubbing for an hour.

It's not coming off.

Well, since you don't care about your tongue, maybe you could use that to clean the toilet.

I found Grandma's thermos.

Looks like there's still a half cup left of this terrible potion.

You know, the lawnmower needs some work.

I think I'll go out to the garage...

Good. Yeah, good idea.