Malcolm in the Middle S5E13 Script

Lois' Sister (2004)

How was the park?

Oh, it was great.

We had a blast.

Hal. I know, I know, he's filthy.

I decided to let him out to crawl around in the dirt for a little while, he had so much fun rolling around with the other kids.

Lois, you should have seen him.

Hal... Lois, you can't treat the boy like he's made of glass.

He'll be fine. We can clean him up.

The important thing is that Jamie and I had fun together.

This isn't Jamie.


I know exactly who I switched him with.

Hi there.

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Boys, Aunt Susan will be here any minute.

I thought I told you to clean up the kitchen.

You heard your mother, do it again.

No, no, no. Wait.

No one's cleaning up.

If Susan can't accept how we live, she can just get back on her high horse and ride off to that sterile tomb she calls a home.

Why is Mom always so weird about Aunt Susan?

Dad used to be Aunt Susan's boyfriend... until Mom stole him.

But we don't know anything about it.

We also think Francis is a year younger than he really is.

Got it.

There she is.


She brought the Mustang! Oh, man.

Well, when you hang on to every penny until it screams bloody murder, you can afford nice things.

I wish your father and I were better about that instead of frittering our money away on all the little extras for you boys.


I'm so happy to see you!

And I don't want you to worry about your last phone call.

I've completely forgiven you.

It's good to see you, too.

I guess the drive took a little longer than expected?

Well, lunch will taste fine cold.

Hi. Hi, Aunt Susan. Hello.

Listen to the deep voices.

Unbelievable, Lois.

They're almost grown and you're still popping them out.

And this must be Jamie.

Hello, sweetie.

Hello, cutie pie.

Hi, Susan.


Look at you.

You're such a sweetie pie.

Uh, boys, why don't you go get Aunt Susan's bags out of her fancy car?

That car is outrageous.

Well, sometimes you just have to treat yourself.

Oh, and I brought a gift for Jamie.

Wow. Susan, thank you.

After six months of shopping, this must be quite a card.

Oh, it's not the card, it's what's inside.

It's a $5,000 savings bond.

Well, I don't know what to say.

It's going to mature right around the time he's ready to go off to college.

Someone should be thinking of that.

Okay, girls, this is the wildest, most remote area on the entire ranch.

You think we can handle a whole weekend out here?

Brittany and Ashley want to marry you.

No, no, you can't do that.

George! George!

I'm sorry, we have to go back.

My ex-husband is trying to have my frozen eggs fertilized by his boyfriend.

Come on, girls.

Girls, Buttercups are brave in the face of disappointment.

You know what?

You take the van back.

I'll watch the girls.

Are you sure you can handle it?

Absolutely. This is my backyard.

Besides, look at all those merit badges.

Can we?! Can we?! Can we?!

Well, they have been looking forward to this for so long.

We'll be fine.

Where are we?

I don't know, sweetie.

Mr. Mountain Lion didn't give me enough time to grab my compass.

I'm hungry. Yeah, well, I'm going to refer you back to the mountain lion thing.

Where are we going to sleep?

Girls, please.

We have water, we'll find shelter and I know the land.

There's food all around us.

Look-- those are edible fungi called truffles.

Those are deer turds.

Okay, well, we're all going to learn a lot this weekend.

That pasta was fabulous, Reese.

How's Larry?

He won't stop fighting with Mom.

The other day she barged in on him when he was in the bathtub.

So he stood up, yanked off her wig, and dried himself with it.

Very thoroughly.

That Larry's a keeper.

Yeah, it's so great he's not a backstabbing weasel.

A weasel is a horrible animal.

Susan, I've been thinking about the gift you gave Jamie.

I know, Lois, and you don't have to worry about it.

I brought gifts for the other boys, too.


Sitting here looking interested finally pays off.

No, Susan, that's not what I meant.

I'm uncomfortable with the amount.

It's awfully extravagant.

Oh, you think everything's extravagant.

Now, I know how much little Dewey likes candy, so I got him a professional cotton candy machine.

Susan, what are you doing?

We don't own a circus.

Well, now you can feel like you do.

Now, I'm sorry, but you two boys are going to have to share a gift.

I'm giving you the Mustang.

Oh, my God! You're kidding!

Thank you!

I never believed anything Mom said about you.

Susan, you can't give them a car.

Mom, technically this is a transaction between Aunt Susan and us.

And I'm willing to hire a lawyer to enforce it.

You want to go there, I'll go there.

You know, Lois, usually when someone gives gifts, people say thank you.

Well, I'm sorry, this... sudden generosity, coming from you, is a little baffling.

Oh, I'm sorry that the concept of opening your heart and giving is so baffling to you.

I don't know, some people might not think of it as giving.

Some people might think of it as just showing off.

Oh, here we go! We're only three hours in, and we've already received our first visit from the Queen Bee of Moral Superiority.

Oh, and here's the victim, right on schedule!

I became the victim on my prom night when I walked into the garage and caught my boyfriend having sex with my sister on the hood of my car!

Where do I look?

There's nowhere to look.

Dad, please, you don't have to do this.

We love this car.

We promise we won't try to drive it until you say we can.

You think your mom and I were born yesterday?

How can you do this?!

Boys, please.

I know this is hard for you to understand, but you're just going to have to realize that your mom and Susan are crazy.

The sooner you learn to accept that, the better.

Okay, girls, we got a nice cozy cave to sleep in, a big roaring fire...

I'd say things are looking up.

That isn't enough firewood.

You have to keep the fire going all night to keep animals away.

Okay, Meagan, Kirsten, go get more firewood, and make sure it's not this dumb green stuff Francis got.

Whoa, whoa, you girls aren't going anywhere.

It's dark out there.

I'm in charge here and I'm telling you to stay.

I vote Brittany to be our new leader.

All in favor?


I accept.

Now you guys get the firewood and you guys move the blankets to the dry part of the cave.

What are you doing? You can't change the leader.

We voted.

It doesn't matter.

Now I'm the grown-up, so that puts me in charge.

All you girls, you sit down, 'cause no one's going anywhere.

♪ We are the Buttercups ♪

♪ We're true blue ♪

♪ We stick together just like glue ♪

♪ We never doubt what we can do ♪

♪ We're honest through and through. ♪

I'm in charge.

I'm in charge.

This is torture.

The car's just sitting there and no one can drive it.

Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for toy drive.

You know what?

We're not going to let Mom and Dad get away with this.

Forget it, Reese.

Your bolt cutters can't handle that lock.

And Dad's bolt cutters are in the garage.

It doesn't matter.

You don't understand the power of my brain, Malcolm.

It's like a deep ravine that sits in total darkness, but once in a while, just for a moment, a brilliant shaft of light shines directly down into it.

And that is the moment I will think of a genius plan that will get us into that Mustang.

So the only way for us to get out of this situation is dependent on you being a genius?


Everything in my life has led up to this moment.

So, where's Susan?

She said she was out shopping, but I wouldn't be surprised if she was out right now renting herself a car so we'd have to accept her Mustang.

She's fully capable of that.

You know, honey, you may want to...

Okay, never mind.

Can you believe it?

Classical music-- how pretentious is that?

Well, we're just going to ignore it.

I'm sure she has voice mail, so we'll just...


Hi, Susan, this is Dr. Dumont.

This isn't Susan. This is her sister.

Excuse me?

This is her sister, Lois.

We just sound a lot alike.

You're Susan's sister?!


Her birth sister?!

Yes. What's the problem?

The problem is you should have been in here six months ago for a blood test.

Why? What's going on here? What's wrong with Susan?

Your sister has end-stage renal disease.

If she doesn't get a donor kidney soon, she's going to die.

And she told me she was an only child.

Good news, girls.

It took me all day, but I caught two delicious-looking lizards and the back half of what I'm pretty sure is a gopher.

Meagan and Ashley built a trap and caught some rabbits.

What's in the pot?

We found some roots and grasses to make soup with.

And we're not putting in your gross lizards.

Yeah. Yeah.

You can't eat that soup.

There's no way to know if what you gathered is safe to eat.

But we only picked things we saw the bunnies eating.

I'm sorry, it's too risky.

What are you doing?

I'm going to dump out the soup.

No, you're not. It's our soup.

Okay, we've played this game long enough.

I am in charge! I am an adult!

And I also happen to be much bigger and stronger than you girls.

So if this is the way you want to play this, that's fine, but I...

Get him! Get him! Get him!

You are on thin ice, girls!

One more stunt like this and I won't be responsible!

I am serious!

Look at you.

Now you're a sleeping sailor.

He can try on the rest of his new outfits later.

You know, I really missed the boat not having kids.

I got to admit, I envy you.

Is that why you're not taking my kidney? What?

Your cell phone rang this morning. I answered it.

It was your doctor, Susan. He told me everything.

How could you tell him that I don't exist?

How can you not even ask me for a kidney when I'm probably a perfect match?

What kind of weird psychological issues are making you do this?

Who gave you the right to answer my cell phone?!

What is wrong with you?

If I give you one of my kidneys, you can live.

Well, that's the moment we've all been waiting for, isn't it?

The almighty Lois now has the power to grant me life!

Don't mind me. Not staying. Just getting an innocent child out of the line of fire. Enjoy your chat.

See? We're already gone. Good-bye.

Why do you always twist around everything I say to make it seem like I'm attacking you?

Why do you always say "always"?

Do you have any idea how stupid that makes you sound?!

Don't change the subject!

My God, this is the apple turnover all over again.

Don't you dare bring up the apple turnover!

Oh, screw it.

I've had 15 years of therapy. I'm better than this.

I'm talking to you!

I am not your puppet!


I know what I did wrong, Hal.

I let her get away too easily.

Well, I didn't think anything was gonna be solved once you got into who your goldfish liked better.

You're right. Arguing with her accomplishes nothing.

That's why I'm going to have a judge declare her mentally incompetent.

That's never going to work, Lois.

Are you kidding?

Any psychiatrist spends five minutes with her would say that she's crazy!

Lois, don't take this the wrong way, but when you two get together, you don't exactly have the high ground on crazy.

Well, what am I supposed to do, Hal, just sit back and watch her die?

I don't know what to do either.

But Susan is an adult.

You can't force someone to take a kidney.


What do you think you're doing?!

Savoring the greatest achievement of a life that so far has had some pretty mixed results.

Get in.

What exactly do you think you're going to accomplish in a car with no engine?

There's a kegger down at the field.

They've been without us long enough.

Reese, you're insane!

Yeah, you could make an argument for that.

♪ ♪

Hello, 24-hour party people!

Reese, you moron.

I can't believe you think you're going to get away with...

Cool car.

'65 Mustang.





I have something very important to tell you.


Brittany told me that Donny Frost said that he likes you, but she won't tell you

'cause she thinks you're stuck up.

No way!

And also, she said those shoes she said were cute on you aren't cute on you at all.

They're actually dorky.

Why would she say such mean things?

I think it's because she's a two-face.

But that's not important.

What is important is that a girl like that should not be the leader.

You should be the leader.

You're more honest than she is and prettier.

Me? The leader?

Totally. Together, we could make this the best Buttercup troop ever.

All I need you to do is untie my hands.


You are not going to regret this.

Buttercups are always loyal!

Think about that while you're sleeping outside!

Yeah, driving's cool.

I do all my thinking when I drive.

Of course, sometimes I drive and I don't think, I just drive.

But no matter where I drive or how much I drive, I find that people are still people.

That is so true.

Thanks for letting me wear your jacket.

Sure. Let me ask you something.

Do you remember last week when I said "hello" to you, and you said, "Look what's trying to talk to me?"

Did I?

So, are you nicer to me now because you realize we have more in common than you thought, or because you find our differences intriguing, or because now I have a car?

Uh, probably the car. Cool.

Sometimes I love high school.

Hey, why don't we drive somewhere so we can have a little privacy?

I don't see why we have to drive anywhere.

It's a beautiful night, I'm with a beautiful girl, there are some beautiful bushes over there.

I'll get some blankets.

Come on, Olivia.

You are a god.

A god of a special universe, where no one thinks of consequences and where those of us constrained by intelligence and common sense are not allowed.

But you have invited me in, and from now on, I will follow you anywhere.

Hey, hey, hey!

There's cop cars up at the top of the hill.

Everybody get out of here!

Move your damn car!

Uh, I think the battery's dead!

I'll jump it!

What are you doing?!

Come on, man! There's no engine!

Hey, somebody stole our engine!

Nobody's going anywhere until they give it back!

I'm glad the cops are coming! I want names!

I'm getting worried.

They're supposed to be here by now.

♪ Val-deri ♪

♪ Val-dera-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Val-deri, val-dera ♪

♪ My knapsack on my back. ♪ Oh, my God! Francis, are you all right?

What happened to you?

Nothing. It was great.

It's my turn to be dragged!

Dr. Dumont.

Susan, what a great day.

Yeah, dialysis. What fun.

Too bad I left my party hat at home.

What are you talking about?

We're not doing dialysis today.

You're getting your kidney today.


Susan, we talked about this on the phone four days ago.

You agreed to do the procedure today.

Your sister's already...

My sister?

You're not allowed out of Post-Op yet.


Yep. It turns out I was a perfect match.

My kidney's in a cooler down the hall.

You can either accept it or throw it in the trash.

Oh, boy, this is not going to look good in front of the board.

Are you insane?

You had your kidney taken out after I told you no?

Susan, hi.

Look, I know you don't care what I think, but I have to let you know that I am so happy that you agreed to do this.

Oh, I didn't agree to anything.

My treacherous sister has concocted a gigantic tissue of lies to trap me, but it's not going to work!


Well, she didn't...

Okay, for future reference, this is the crazy thing I was talking about!

I cannot believe you would be so spiteful as to let yourself die after what I have done for you.

What you have done for me?

I am so sick of this!

You know, you actually have me looking forward to the afterlife.

Good luck. Dad's there.

Susan, please, just take the kidney.

I don't want to lose you.

Okay, you know what?

Can you do me a big favor and just stop pretending like you care about me?

What? Susan, I love you!

Oh, please. You never loved me!

You see this scar?

When I was six and you were four, Dad said we didn't get dessert because we were bad and you dumped his pudding on his head and said, "Yeah? Well, neither do you," and I laughed so hard, I fell and hit my head on the corner of the coffee table.

See those four freckles on your left ankle?

We used to play connect-the-dots and I drew a bunny and you named it "Footy."

And this hole in my ear is from when you got Dad's tackle box and you pierced my ears for me because I was too chicken to do it.

And that cap on your tooth is from when Cindy Bauer called me a bitch and you beat the crap out of her and didn't think I ever knew about it.

And this is the scar I got from the kidney I gave you because I love you.

Don't you tell me I don't love you.

Oh, for God sakes.

All right, give me the damn kidney.

Thank you.

Don't get too excited.

You know you were always the big one.

We don't even know if it'll fit.

Hope you boys don't think you're going anywhere.

Don't worry.

Until everyone who was at that party dies of old age, we have no reason to ever go out.

Hey, how are you feeling?

Well, it's been three days.

Not so much as a thank you.

No, I meant the incision.

Oh. I'm still pretty sore.

Yeah, well, Susan may not admit it, but she's grateful.

And if it's any consolation, she took the kidney.

You won.

Hal, it was never about that.

Nobody won.