Malcolm in the Middle S5E14 Script

Malcolm Dates a Family (2004)

Oh, no! Mom and Dad are gonna kill us!

I know what to do.

"Get out of our neighborhood.

We hate your guts."

It's either the Lustigs, the Andersons, the Coopers or the Verones. It's the Hacketts.

Like this is gonna bring their cat back to life.

Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine.

I'll get the car.

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Every other Thursday night, we all go to Luigi's Pizza.

They're the only two nights a month I don't cry myself to sleep.

All right, all right.

Stop it!

I said I get winner.

Isn't it amazing?

Every 14 days, we magically turn into a happy family.

And here's why.

♪ ♪

Luigi's pizza is so good, it not only brings out the goodwill that's buried deep inside of people; it momentarily creates goodwill that isn't even there.

How was your day?

I got a "B" on my math test.

Another exquisite culinary experience, Alfredo.

Ooh!

Doctor's orders.

Oh, Alfredo, can you break this for me for the tip, please?

Excuse me. What's this "SV" at the bottom?

That's the service charge.

Service charge? What service charge?

We add 15% for the service.

We had a lot of people stiffing the waiters.

We've been doing it for years.

Forcing people to tip without telling them?

We've been double-tipping without realizing it all this time.

There's a notice right here.

That piddly little sign? That's what you use to justify it?

Oh, no. Is this gonna be "shoe store" bad or "circus" bad?

I think it's gonna be "ten-items-or-less aisle" bad.

Is our car on fire? I think I hear sirens. We better go.

You put up a little sign that nobody can read, and that gives you the right to steal?!

Where is the manager?!

I want to see the manager!

Don't you give me that look.

I probably won't see you for a while, Manolo.

Lo siento mucho.

And then she stood in the parking lot for half an hour waving cars away.

My mom is horrible.

My mom... phoned me drunk... on my birthday... wanting money.

I'm sorry, Stevie.

I shouldn't complain.

Your mom walking out on you was unforgivable, but you know what?

Your real friends will never abandon you.

Hey, Angela!

Angela Pozefsky.

She's really cute.

I think I might actually have a chance with her.

For some reason, no one ever asks her out.

Maybe she's so promiscuous she intimidates all the other guys.

Yeah, I'm going with that.

Hello, Malcolm. Hi, Angela.

I'm glad I caught up to you. I was thinking...

You want to ask me out, don't you?

Well, I was planning to mutter and stumble around for a few minutes first, but yes.

You want to go to the Spring Dance?

Let me save you the trouble.

You don't want to go out with me because, before you do go out with me, my family would have to approve, which they won't do without giving you a gigantic third degree.

So why don't you just give up now, and let me get on with dying alone.

You're worried about your family?

That's not going to bother me. Oh, yeah?

My family is unbelievably intrusive, overbearing, controlling and humiliating.

You are talking to the right guy.

Francis, I want you to meet Jordan, your new assistant.

My what? Thank you so much for this opportunity, sir.

Sure. Will you excuse us?

I don't need an assistant.

But the boy needs a job, and I've filled every other position here two times over. Oh, please?

Francis, I'm sure you can find something for him to do.

Okay, I'll try.

Thank you, Francis.

I know I have a problem hiring too many people, but I'm getting help.

I am seeing three psychiatrists about it.

I'm starting to forget what Luigi's pizza even tasted like.

I told you not to brush your teeth.

Hello.

Yes, it is.

Really? Really?!

Yes! Boys! Boys!

It's the owner of Luigi's calling to apologize to your mother.

Get your jackets.

Lois!

The pizza gods have answered our prayers.

Hello.

Hi. This is Lawrence Camprisi, the owner of Luigi's.

I heard about what happened, and I wanted to call personally to apologize.

Oh? What exactly are you apologizing for?

About the way that you were treated last Thursday.

There's no excuse for it, and I couldn't feel more terrible about it.

Well, that's very nice to hear.

I am curious why it took two weeks to get an apology.

I'm sorry, but, you see, I just got in from Europe, and I haven't even unpacked yet.

The point is that you and your family are valuable customers, and we really want to get you back in here.

Well, I must say, this apology has surpassed my expectations.

So what kind of refund are you giving us?

What?

I figure we overpaid at least $300 over the years.

Do you want to send us a check or some kind of gift certificate?

Lady, we can't give you a refund.

We don't have those kind of margins.

If you can afford to pay for a trip to Europe, you can afford 1/20th of that to make things right with a customer you cheated.

There is no pizza god.

Well, then I doubt you care, but we are never, ever eating a Luigi's pizza again.

At least we have closure.

Okay, you asked for it.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Look, I'm fine. I...

This is my mom, my dad, my nana, Aunt Layla, Aunt Svidmella, Uncle Zach, Nick, Max and Alexandra.

The rest are in the den.

This is Malcolm.

Welcome. Sit. Sit.

So... you want to marry my daughter?

What?

I couldn't resist.

I'm sorry to put you through all this, but our family is very protective of our little Angela.

We need to know what kind of boy you are.

Well, uh... I'm just normal.

I go to Angela's school.

I get good grades.

Uh, I have a job three days a week at a drugstore with my mom.

Um... never had a cavity.

Did have all my shots.

Religiously, I guess I would classify myself as a hopeful agnostic.

I think the basic philosophical question is...

Can we stop this? Look, he's a genius.

He's the smartest kid in our whole school by, like, a lot.

Really?

Genius?

Say something smart.

Well, um, I'm doing a paper on cosmological inflation.

It's a theory that says the reason the universe is so homogeneous is that right after the Big Bang, there was a short period of even more rapid growth than usual.

I hope you mentioned the importance of scalar fields to the whole concept of symmetry breaking.

Not to brag, but I did some pretty important work on this.

Oh, please. Until they actually find a Higgs particle, it's all just empty speculation.

Yes, dear. Women.

I'm okay with him. You okay with him?

Nana?

Eh.

She loves you!

Come on! We're going to see how much a boy your age can eat.

And there'll be singing!

And I have to warn you, we're big Botticelli players in this family.

How's your medieval history?

Okay, I guess.

Malcolm's on my team!

One sugar, just the way you like.

Thank you, Jordan.

Francis? What, honey?

I just got off the phone with my mother.

She sounded really upset that you didn't send a "thank you" note for Christmas.

I mailed it yesterday, sir.

You sent a tasteful card with a pressed wildflower inside.

I think you owe someone an apology.

He's good.

Allow me, sir.

Hal, boys, dinner!

What's this?

It's Family Fiesta Night!

I went to Mariachi's.

I got four kinds of enchiladas, steak and chicken tacos, and a tray of empanadas.

Malcolm!

No, no, are you kidding? I had a great time.

Wednesday? Yeah, absolutely.

All right, bye.

Who was that? Angela's dad.

What's going on?

Isn't this fun?!

You're right.

We don't need music.

We have chips.

And the important thing is that we're all together enjoying some family time.

So let's talk.

Who's got a good story?

Well, today, my mom lost her mind.

Reese.

Look, I went to a lot of trouble here, and I know you boys like this stuff, so... what's the problem?

Mom, any way you dress it up, it's not Luigi's.

Luigi's pizza wasn't the point.

The food is not what matters.

What matters is that we're sitting here together enjoying each other's company.

If you believe that, then why'd you buy all the Mexican food?

Fine! Mexican food goes in the trash!

Olé.

No, I am not Copernicus.

Did you isolate something which eventually killed you?

No, I am not Madame Curie.

This is so cool.

When we play at my house, we can only use cartoon characters.

Cartoon characters we saw that day.

Okay, do you believe in life after love?

No, I am not Cher.

We'll never beat him!

You baked brownies?

With walnuts.

Your favorite.

You made this for me?

This is awesome.

This is so much fun.

I love dating Angela.

Where is Angela?

She went over to a girlfriend's house an hour ago.

Oh.

Okay.

Are the smaller ones better, sir?

Very much, thank you.

I don't have to open my mouth as far.

What were you saying, Mom?

They have been tacking on this 15% service charge for the last three years.

I mean, I'm doing the right thing by boycotting them, don't you think?

I don't know, it sounds like you're making everyone else suffer for something only you care about.

I don't know why I bother to talking to you, Francis.

Would it kill you to say something supportive to me when I'm obviously right?

You're blaming me? You know what..

If you were so certain you were right, you wouldn't be coming to me for reassurance.

If you were so certain you were right, you wouldn't be coming to me for reassurance.

I think we got her, sir.

Let's not dwell on our victories, Jordan.

My ears are feeling hairy again.

I thought I would never smell that smell again.

Your mother's not coming home for two hours.

That should give us plenty of time to eat it and destroy all the evidence.

But I want to be clear on this.

What we are doing here is not okay.

It is morally reprehensible on every level.

We should be ashamed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we hate ourselves.

Now, remember, boys, whatever happens, we are all in this together.

Where's Malcolm?

He's at his other family.

More for us.

I can't believe how much we ate.

I can't believe how good it tasted.

That was the taste of evil, son.

Gooey, delicious evil.

I know I've got to cover my breath, but the thought of even eating this breath mint just makes me want to throw up.

We forced ours down.

Hey, everybody!

I got dinner!

It's from the Pizza Connection.

I had to drive all the way across town to get it, but I figured I owe you boys something nice.

I know how hard it's been going without Luigi's, and it means a lot to me that you're backing me up.

There's cheese inside the meatballs.

I never saw people get so passionate about the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum theory.

I thought Nana was going to punch somebody.

We had so much fun last night.

I watched...

Dad torch... his wedding album.

Hey, Malcolm.

Hey, Sarah.

I just wanted to ask if you want to go to the Spring Dance with me.

I know it's kind of late.

Oh wow, I'd love to.

Great, so I'll see you Friday? See you on Friday.

Isn't it great when the girl asks the...

Angela.

I totally forgot.

Oh, man, I've got two dates to the Spring Dance.

It's sort of like that old episode of... well, every show.

If you think about it, it's actually a pretty interesting challenge.

I mean, Urkel did pretty well with the identical cousin trick until he got greedy and made himself a duke.

And Potsie doesn't count because one of his turned out to be a dude.

Stevie, are you even listening to me?

Two girls...

...two families.

I don't have... two lungs!

What does that have to do with...

People with... your luck... aren't allowed... to be creeps.

Just choose!

Yeah, all right.

Okay, it's 7:35.

It's a five-minute bike ride to Luigi's.

It'll take you one minute to order the pizza, which means they should hand it to you at 7:56.

I'll send your mother to the mall at 7:50 and we'll destroy the evidence before she gets back.

You know, we're going to pay for this.

We're going to pay big.

Yeah.

But we're not going to pay today.

Whatever else it's done to me, this whole conspiracy has made me feel so close to my boys.

Except for Malcolm and Jamie.

They're not like us.

Now go!

Hey, honey. What are you doing?

Are those car keys?

I'm going down to Luigi's.

What?

Why would you do that?

I'm giving up.

I've inflicted this thing on all of you long enough.

I'm going to go down there, I'm going to walk up to the counter, and I'm going to do right by my family.

Over my dead body.

What?

You can't give up now.

I thought we were a team on this.

Hal, you've all been wonderfully supportive, but maybe enough is enough.

The woman that I love has never thought that enough was enough.

The woman that I love is not going to go anywhere near that place in the next hour.

We believe in you, Lois.

You have got to fight this.

Thank you.

You're right.

I will.

Malcolm!

Come in. Come in.

Look who's here!

Angela, your boyfriend is here!

I put the leaf back in the table.

We can reenact the battle of Lepanto with olives and celery!

I can't stay.

On Saturday, you and Angela must join us.

The Taiwan acrobats are in town.

I don't think I can make it.

Well, you and Angela can join us for movie night.

And I won't take "no" for an answer.

I can't.

Why not? What's wrong?

He's breaking up with me.

Which I'm totally okay with.

We haven't even talked in two weeks.

What were you saying? Oh, no, it's nothing.

You're breaking up?

Just like that?

Yeah.

This is really hard.

My life is kind of complicated right now, and I just need my space.

But I really want us to stay friends.

"Friends."

It's not you. It's me.

The past few weeks have been great, but...

Please. Don't.

No, really.

You know how amazing you guys are?

Look, Angela's going to date a lot of guys... that are much better than me and...

Now you're being patronizing.

Just go.

I'll see you around?

We both know that's not how it works.

This butter is just sitting here like a cube on my toast.

It's not... doing that thing that Jordan does.

Spreading?

Yeah!

Francis, this has to stop.

I liked the flowers you had Jordan send me, and the poem he wrote was very sweet, but you're turning into a helpless infant.

If Jordan hadn't wandered in on you in the men's room yesterday, you'd still be stuck in there.

I would've figured it out.

No, I wouldn't have.

You're right. I'll let him go.

It's for the best.

Jordan, there's something I have to talk to you about.

The thing is...

You need to let me go.

Well, yeah, and...

You feel terrible about this, but you can't keep me, even though I've done an outstanding job.

Yeah, I'm...

Sorry. Of course you are. But you've written me a wonderful letter of recommendation.

And let me thank you in advance for the muffin basket you'll be sending.

It's not too expensive, but I will appreciate the thought.

Good-bye, sir.

Good-bye.

It's best to squeeze now, sir.

Come on. Come on. Sit down.

Too bad Malcolm's at the dance.

He's going to miss this. What is it?

I was ready to give up on my war with Luigi's, and then your father inspired me to take action.

So yesterday, I called Clyde on Your Side.

Who? You know, that consumer guy on Channel 5.

They're doing a whole exposé on Luigi's.

They told me it was going to be on at 10:23.

Oh, here it is.

This may look like a friendly, neighborhood pizza parlor, but thanks to an alert tipster, we discovered that this hangout could be hanging you out to dry.

Alert tipster, that's me.

It turns out this eatery adds a secret 15% service charge to every tab.

I want to be clear this does not reflect on the Italian people, most of whom are hard-working decent Americans.

But for the cadre of tricksters here at Luigi's, we've got a tip for you: clean up-a you act.

Who are the victims in this scam?

Senior citizens on a fixed income.

Local teens after a dance.

And of course, the biggest price is paid...

Oh, my God!

That traitor!

How could he betray the trust of this family?

Especially you, Lois.

Doesn't he know what you've been fighting for?

Yeah! That betrayer!

Look at him shove that pizza in his mouth right there in the restaurant when we have to sneak ours in the garage!

What?!

This isn't just the sad story of...

All right, I was saving this until I needed it.

Dad does a five-minute imitation of you on the toilet.

I'll show you the videotape if you're willing to deal.

Turns out, breaking up with Angela was a terrible mistake.

It's sad.

Sometimes you don't realize what you had until you throw it away.

Malcolm.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I was just in the neighborhood and I was thinking maybe...

You guys look great.

This is really awkward.

Yes... I'm the Earl... of Sandwich.