Malcolm in the Middle S5E18 Script

Experiment (2004)

Distinguished guests, friends, members of the press... when the Fish Defense League told me that the dam on our property was blocking the endangered silverback trout from its natural breeding grounds, I was glad to help.

And so today, we are going to blow up this evil dam.

Afterwards, we will have a nice, light lunch provided by the Grotto, a friend of fish and the business traveler.

Here we go!

That's weird.

From here, the dynamite looks a lot like a picnic cooler.

I am starting to think that that is a picnic cooler.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪ We'd like to wish a happy birthday to Mary who is six years old.

Mom and Dad let Dewey pick where we went to dinner tonight.

I can't decide if it's supposed to be a punishment for us or a treat for him.

Probably a little bit of both.

How's the chicken supposed to know you like her if you don't say anything?

Boys! Food's here!

So, Dewey, are you having a good time?

I actually am.

Oh, wait.


He's dying!

We have to make sure you come up with a really good wish.

Reese, he isn't dying.

If he were dying, we'd at least spring for Red Lobster.

Mrs. Welsh, your counselor, said that she'd like you to take an I.Q. test.

What?! Malcolm, do not poison your brother.

He is an entirely different person than you are and he is not automatically going to have the same experience!

It's just a little test, honey.

Mom, don't do this.

I lost all my friends when I went into the Krelboyne class.

Everyone hated us!

You had every advantage in that class.

You had computers, an electron microscope, a seismograph...

Which is why they hated us!

Malcolm, we all know there's something weird going on in that boy's brain and I, for one...

♪ Fun feet dance ♪

♪ To the happy groove time! ♪ What the...?

♪ ♪

Excuse me.

Craig? Oh, hi, Hal.

What're you doing?

Just protecting my high score.

It's cheaper than a gym.

And no shower bullies.

You're great.

Well, I'm kind of a legend around here.

You're staying out of the ball pit, right, Feldspar?

Yes, sir. You were quite clear on that.

Hey, hop on up, Hal. It's a blast.

Beat it, Davey.

Oh, I don't know...

Come on. It's easy. Just watch the screen, put your feet where it says.

Let's try it.

♪ ♪

Hey, this is fun.

Really fun!

Oh, God.

Just got him to stop the ice sculpting.

Well, it looks like it's going to be just you and me for the next month, sweetie.

So the school thinks I might be a genius, too?

But I'm not a whiny loudmouth who complains about everything.

Malcolm's a genius, and now Dewey's a genius?

I guess it's only a matter of time

'till we find out that I'm a genius.

I wonder what kind of genius I am.

15 times 32 is 3,989.

It's 480.

Okay, so I'm not Rain Man, big deal.

Some day they'll invent a machine that does that stuff for you, anyway.

Okay, question 17 was, "Bee is to hive as A) fish is to pond, "B) bear is to den or C) coral is to reef?"

That's what it was, right?

How should... I know?

You took the same test I did.

Four... years ago.

How do you... remember?

I just do.

And it's a good thing, because it's the only way we can keep Dewey out of the Krelboyne class.

Why can't... he just... tank it?

The tests are designed to catch that.

We have to give exactly the same answers a real dumb person would give.

How do we... do that?

Guys, guys! I've been trying to figure out what kind of genius I am, and I finally realized, I should go to the library!

And you know what?

You can get Internet porn there and the librarians can't do anything about it!

God, I love this country. Hey, Mom!

♪ ♪ I'm doing it!

And it only took all my lunch breaks and $200 worth of quarters!

Can't one of you have a heart attack so the rest of us can play?

In a second.

Show time!


I think we're finally ready.

I didn't want to say anything until I was sure, but I signed us up for the weekly tournament.

No, it's too soon.

Hal, you don't work this hard just to Jump, Jump Dance alone in your room.

Besides, someone has to teach Hayley and Kylie not to be so stuck up just because they think they're so great.

You can't enter the tournament.

You're going to look like idiots.

We're not done rehearsing.

We'll be a lot better by then.

No, you're going to look like idiots because it's a contest for kids.

It doesn't say that anywhere.

I read the rules three times.

And we're under the weight limit.

You can call the manufacturer.

If you give these answers exactly the way they're written, you'll stay out of the Krelboyne class.

Maybe I'd like the Krelboyne class.

I hear they just got a robot parrot that speaks 20 languages.

Dewey, you have to trust me.

I'm the good brother.

I'm the one who cares about you.

You beat me up and make fun of me.

Only when you're being annoying.

Dewey, I'm serious.

How can I make you understand?

The coolest person in the class... was me.

Okay, I'll do it.

You're sure... this'll work?

Hey, if there's one thing I know, Reese's answers will not get him into the Krelboyne class.

I'm emotionally disturbed?!

Oh, we don't use those terms.

This isn't about labeling.

A blue folder with an asterisk next to your name just means that you get a little more special help than other kids.

Hey, Bill.

This one's named Dewey.

Dewey, Dewey, Dewey.


There's no yelling, no kicking, no hitting, no physical touching of any kind.

You are allowed to cry, if you do it quietly.

Find a seat wherever you can.

Vroom, vroom.

Hey, could you scratch my nose?

What's that?


You can ignore the sign.

They put you in with the Buseys?!

Yeah, it's real interesting.

Today, we learned about our greatest enemies, Mr. Matches and Mr. Talk-Out-Of-Turn.

Oh, and I also got to see a crane lower a flight simulator into the Krelboyne class.

Oh, my God! Does Mom know?

You're still alive, so no.

I'm so sorry. I swear I'll fix this.

Just don't tell Mom.

Please, please don't tell Mom.

You know, I like the begging, but it needs something.

Better, but... still not enough.

Dewey, this is my paycheck.

There's $98.00 here.

I will give you everything I make until you get out of that class.

Hi, boys. Hey.

Oh, Dewey, did Mrs. Welsh tell you when they'd get your test results?

Oh, I got 'em.

And he's in the Krelboyne class, just like you wanted.

I hope you're happy.

You've ruined his life!

Come on, Dewey.

Well, I'm not an escape artist.

Okay. Now that Chad has apologized to Lester, Max, Zoe, Phoebe, Garth, Michelle, and Linda, we can now try, once again, to read Polar Express in as normal a way as we can possibly manage.


Indoor muffler!

Okay, I want you to open this book to page seven and read.

No motorcycle.

Just say exactly what's on the page.

No motorcycle.

No motorcycle.

No motorcycle.

No motorcycle.

Okay, okay. That's enough reading.

Why don't we try some more quiet time?

Why did you do that?

When did you read that book?

Three years ago.

Me, too. All of us did.

They treat us like we're stupid instead of just weird.

This place is slowly killing me.

Oh, look. We made it to recess.

Jeffy, you're not an arm's length from Carrie.

Why don't we have recess with the other kids?

We make them too sad.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Mrs. Welsh? May I help you?

I'm Malcolm, Dewey's brother.

I have to talk to you about the test Dewey took.

I'm afraid I can only discuss that with his parents.

See, that's just it.

I can get in a lot of trouble for coming here, but I have to tell you why his test came out the way it did.

Our mom has a substance abuse problem, and she had a huge relapse the morning he took the test.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, which is why she can't find out I came here.

I don't want to say she's dangerous because she's, you know, my mom, and I love her.

Wow. Well, I can tell you really care about your family.

It's been really hard.

Let's see what I can do. Okay?

And I don't think we have to bother your mom with this.


I'll do everything through your dad.

Thanks for the heads up.

Wow. Ten messages from Dewey's counselor.

Maybe I should...

Practice so we can win this thing?


Five, six, seven, eight!

One, two, three, and four and boogie shake, boogie shake, and slide and slide, These jazz shoes have really helped my kick turns.

Totally worth 150 bucks.


Uh-oh. Here comes Yoko.

It's 5:00 in the morning.

You've been up all night.

Honey, I know you think this is silly and that I've just gone off the deep end again, but this isn't like the other times.

I have a gift, Lois, and it would be wrong for me to turn my back on that.

Right. I see we've entered phase two.

Which is fine, as long as you follow the rules.

You have to go to work.

You have to eat.

You cannot involve the children.

And you're freezing the joint account.

Did it last week.

Good night, Fred. Ginger.

I thought it was Fred and Barney.

Take your tissue and carefully twist it to make a flower.

Then you make a bouquet by carefully stacking them.

Go slow. This isn't a race.

Why do all our art projects use tissues?

Because tissues are soft and nontoxic.

This way no one gets hurt, and no one sues the school.

This program can't handle another lawsuit, Dewey.

I only get paid for four days a week as it is.

But it's ridiculous.

We have to do math without pencils.

We have to do history without hard-cover books.

Can't we at least have some art supplies?

Art supplies mean scissors. Theymean paste.

These children stab with scissors.

They eat paste.

Some of them tried to eat scissors.

This one tried to stab with paste.

Teachers are supposed to help their students.

Maybe you wouldn't be so unhappy all the time if you tried a little harder.

Look, Dewey, you're not going to make it through the year with that attitude.

You just have to take all your hopes and dreams and let them die.

Then maybe you won't end up staring at a clock at 4:00 in the morning wishing you had kissed more ass in grad school.

Thanks for trying.

I swear, if you can get the paste, I'll stab him for you.

...and then he was chopped up and eaten by wolves, because that's what happens to babies who pull hair.

What are you doing here?

Malcolm, who is it? Don't worry.

I have a master's degree in conflict resolution.

Can I help you? I'm Mrs. Welsh, Dewey's counselor.

First of all, let me just tell you how much I admire your courage.

Thank you.

Your son Malcolm came to see me...

No, I didn't!

Let me do what I do.

He was worried that Dewey had been placed in the wrong class.

Malcolm, how dare you?

You made your feelings very clear, but you had no right to do something like that!

Well, the thing is I did look through Dewey's records, and his test results don't match up with his classroom performance.

There may be grounds to retest him.

Oh, no. Absolutely not!

You are not going to take this away from my son.

He deserves to be in that class.

He needs to be in that class.

And don't think I won't fight you on this.

I didn't come here to upset you.

The last thing that anyone wants is for you to feel out of control.

Oh, you'll see out of control if you don't leave Dewey where he belongs.

Believe me, you don't want to mess with this family.

Well, maybe we'll talk about it in a month or so when you're feeling stronger.

I'll work around any of your meetings.

I can't believe the way that woman talked to you!

I mean, sure, I unsuccessfully tried to keep Dewey out of the Krelboyne class, but she had no right to do that!

Ah, put a cork in it.

And don't think you're not in trouble just because your little plan didn't work.

♪ ♪

Oh, that was just great. Which kids are yours?

Those two.

You guys are totally going to be my new save screen.

Don't let it get to you, Hal.

Soon, they're going to feel as stupid as they think we look.

Let's rock. Yeah.

Hey, I thought we're supposed to have the same costume.

They're almost the same.


Ow! Ow!

My ankle's twisted.

Once again, I fly too close to the sun.

But we have to dance.

I can't, Hal. But you have to go on.

We've worked too long and too hard to stop now.

Go out there and win that coupon for two free medium pizzas for both of us.

I know we've had our disagreements over the amount of time I spent doing this, but I don't think there's anyone else I could do this with.

What do you say?

Oh, Hal...

I get the pizzas.


Much applause to your sparkling feet!

♪ ♪

Here comes the pencil turn. I can't watch.

On any other man that would look ridiculous.

We've lost him, Lois.

He belongs to everyone now.

Mr. Sheridan, why do motorcycles sound different when they're coming than when they're going away?

Hanson, I'm trying to eat my lunch.

By the time I explained it to you, you would have forgotten the question anyway.

I think my brother Malcolm told me about that last summer.

"It's called the Doppler Effect, Dewey.

"Both sound and light travel at a constant speed, "but their wavelengths get shorter or longer

"depending on whether they're moving towards you

"or away from you.

Now put some pants on, you little freak."

My imaginary friends are right!

I am a genius!

So basically, what it means is that the sound waves from a motorcycle move away from it at the same speed in all directions.

But if it's coming towards you, then the sound waves get stacked closer and closer together, so the frequency goes up and the sound gets higher.

Do you understand?

Yeah, I do.

Oh, my God!

I learned something.

I learned something!

I learned something! I learned something!

I learned something! Hanson...

I learned something!

Maybe you shouldn't learn things if you're going to be so disruptive.

Now sit down and be quiet.

Everyone who hates this, follow me.

What are you doing?

♪ ♪ Please, children, calm down!

Remember, quiet minds are happy minds!

Let's say it together!

Quiet minds are happy minds!

Quiet minds are...

I'm so glad that contest is finally behind you.


You know, now that that's out of your system, I could sure use a little more help with Jamie.

He was up all night last night.

So if you wouldn't mind taking the first shift tonight, I...

Nod! Nod!

Agree! She's buying it!

Okay, Dewey, I have a new, much better plan.

I broke into the principal's office and created a second, fictional Dewey, who lives in another district.

I still have to hack into the school mainframe, but all you have to do is pretend you're dead for two days.

Then we're back in business.

That sounds great.

Mom, Malcolm gave me the wrong answers to the Krelboyne test.

I've been in the emotionally disturbed class for two weeks.

Well, I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about.

Dewey, Dewey, guess what?

I finally figured out what kind of genius I am.

There it was, just staring me in the face.

Aw, come on, Dewey, please stay awake.

I've got so much to show you.