Malcolm in the Middle S5E2 Script

Watching the Baby (2003)

Finally Mama's going to have some pictures of her beautiful baby to show all her friends at work.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Seriously, if you want me to stay a few more hours and babysit, I-I don't mind.

Lois looks exhausted.

No, no, no. We're fine.

We'll see you Monday.

Wait. Isn't today Monday?

It's Friday.

Oh, my God, I'm supposed to be in court today.

I'm filing a restraining order against my sister.

She thinks that just because she's been my boyfriend's first and third wife, that she has some kind of a claim on him.

Isn't that... the cat lady?

I guess.

For a while she was the naked jogger.

But mostly, she's just four bucks an hour.

Okay, boys, in the kitchen. You're making dinner tonight.

Why do we have to?

Because your mother hasn't had any sleep for the last four days.

Now get in there.

And keep it down. She's nursing the baby.

I don't want to go to sleep.

Come on, come on.

I'm telling you, I am not tired.

Hal, please, just stop treating me like a child.

Honey, you need your rest.

The boys and I are going to take care of this baby for the rest of the night so you can sleep.

So stop arguing with...


Try to get Jamie to eat while I make a run for more diapers.

If that nipple gets clogged, we've got some clean ones in the drawer.

I'll only be gone ten minutes, and I don't want anything to go wrong during that time.

I am trusting you boys are mature enough to handle this.

He said "nipple."

Hi, Craig.

When will J.Lo learn?

Take it from a bad boy, we're nothing but trouble.

Oh. You're buying the Tidy Winks.

Yes, and I'm in kind of a hurry.

I don't want to criticize, but I think I know why you're buying the Tidy Winks.

It's the absorbency, right?

People always fall for that, but what they forget is the elasticity in the legs is suspect at best.

Craig, I just... You know, since I'm kind of little Jamie's unofficial, second alternate godfather, I've been doing some research, and I recommend you take a look at the Baby Naps.

They've got this polymer-based fabric that not only has remarkable wicking capability, but actually...

Craig, for God's sakes, I'm in a hurry.

Now, I just want the Tidy Winks, okay?

I don't have time for a big discussion.

Now, please, will you just ring me up?


That will be $7.98.

Craig, don't make a thing out of this.

Why, whatever do you mean, Hal?

I'm sorry that I snapped at you before, but I really need these diapers.

Can you loan me the money?

I could loan you the money, Hal, but that would be helping you.

And since you have a tendency to yell at people who try to help you, I don't think that's the wisest course of action for me to take.

Look, Lois will pay for these tomorrow when she comes in.

You can't take those!

That's shoplifting!

Fine. Then I'm shoplifting.

What are you going to do about it?


Where is Dad with the diapers?

Dewey, triple bag that diaper and make sure the garbage can lid is on tight.

And hold your breath, because if you pass out, we're not coming out there to get you.

Oven mitt.

What a fun... Saturday night.

Nobody's enjoying this, Stevie.

You don't have to be sarcastic.

I wasn't.

Malcolm, right?

Yeah. See, I told you, I knew his name.

So, we have a proposal for you and your idiot brother.

Oh, my God, another one.

And he's in a wheelchair.



Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?

You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens.

What do you mean, "Go out"?

When? Where?

Right now. With us.

In that.

Oh, my God.

I bet it has a toilet. Dibs!

No way, Reese. We're supposed to be taking care of our little brother.

We can't just go riding around in the coolest car we've ever seen with three incredibly hot girls.

Guys! Guys!

I put the lid on tight, but I think it's eating through the... can.

Okay, now, look ashamed.

Look, can I at least have a phone call to let my family know where I am?

Well, technically, you're not under arrest, so no.

But since we're friends, I'm going to allow you to work off your $7.98.

Two hours at minimum wage ought to do it.

Stop fussing. I know you're not hungry.

Oh, I know. You want your pacifier.

Oh, where is it?

What do I do?

Oh, how about a story?

Stories are good.

All right, once upon a time, there was a little baby named Jamie who had a big brother named Dewey.

Jamie worshipped Dewey.

Dewey and Jamie always had a good time together.

Even though their hateful, older brothers always tried to make their lives miserable.

Hey, Reese, do you want to have some fun?

Yeah. Fun is good.

Stop it! Put him down!

Stop it!

Shut up, Dewey.

We're bigger than you are.

What do you two boys think you're doing?!

We're sorry, Mom!

I'm stupid!

And the two stupid older brothers paid the price for their folly.

I've warned you two about messing with my favorite children.

Maybe this time you'll learn to behave!

Well, now you don't have to worry about those two anymore.

And, Dewey, just remember...

...don't go near my closet.

Closet. Not bad.

Okay, so here's the deal, freaks.

Our boyfriends left us in the middle of the Fall Formal to go to some stupid party.


How could Kevin do this to me?

I call him 12 times a day.

I show up at all his practices.

I even changed my whole schedule so that we could have all the same classes.

Well, now we are going to pay them back big-time.

Wait a minute.

There was a Fall Formal?

Why wouldn't we know about that?

Oh. So, now we're going to go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks.

You want to make them jealous?

No. We want to make them puke.

See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never going to live it down.

You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?

Actually, some kid with a hunchback and gills turned them down.

Said he had too much pride.

Forget it.

We're not going to be paraded around like monkeys on a chain.

You know, we've already been disappointed once tonight.

Can you stop thinking about yourself for one second?!

I don't believe this.

I think... the middle one... likes you.

Dewey and Jamie had to know what was inside the secret closet, but Mom kept the key hidden under her pillow.

So they came up with a brilliant plan.

♪ ♪


What are you in for?



Another victim caught up in the evil net of Craig Feldspar!

He's a monster.

He treats us all on the night shift like dirt!

The absolute power of Assistant Night Manager has corrupted him.

We're nothing better than slaves.

But you're the employees.

You're the people who actually run this store.

He doesn't care.

Do you know what he insists on using in the coffee machine?

Store brand.

It is so bitter, it's like drinking death.

He won't change the incline of the wheelchair ramp out front.

I stall out every damn day until somebody gives me a push.

He has an iron grip on the store radio.

He forces us to listen only to show tunes.

Even though we voted unanimously for Adult Contemporary.

What does he have against Phil Collins?!

That bastard!

You can't let him do this to you.

I mean, without you, he's nothing!

He must be stopped!

Vernon. Ooh!

I don't know, maybe Craig's not so bad.

He did give me the Employee of the Month Award after I cleaned his aquarium.

Employee of the Month Awards are the opiate of the masses.

You people can't let fear run your lives.

Are you going to act or suffer under Craig forever?

Attention, all Lucky Aide employees.

I need someone to microwave a three-cheese Hot Pocket ASAP.

The madness ends now.

I told you they wouldn't stay at Lori's party all night.

Well, then we'll go to Charlotte's party.

If they're not there, then we'll go to Lisa's party, and then we'll try the party out on the pier.

What parties? Who are these people?

Do we even go to the same school?

Stop rocking... my boat.

Let's just walk home, take our horrible punishment from Dad and be done with it.

What are you talking about?

These girls want to fool around with us.

Only because we're losers.

Hey, we're riding in a limo we didn't pay for.

We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us.

I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.

Have you even thought about where this is going?

Her boyfriend is Aaron Steponovich.

Have you seen that guy?

If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's going to kill you.

I know. Then why are you...?

Because anything's better than the way things are now.


I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now.

Her name is Cheryl.

I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out.

And when she read it, she turned to me and said, "Do you know who Reese is?"

So then she goes, "Does anybody know who Reese is?"

And everybody shrugged.

So then I said, "Probably some nobody."

And you know what?

I was right.

Wow. That's awful, kid.

You want to wear my hat?

So tonight I'm gonna fix that.

From now on, when I walk by, people are going to say, "What happened to that guy's face?"

And someone's going to say, "That's Reese.

He made out with Aaron Steponovich's girlfriend."

And that I can live with.

Okay, so, which one do you want to kiss?

Why don't you just ask me which kind of roach I'd rather eat?

You are such a wuss.

Okay, watch, I'll do it.

Okay, I can't do this without a drink.

You guys can get liquor?

We know a store where this idiot works.

Welcome to our country, Mrs. Namhong.

I hope you're enjoying your stay here.

You know, I'm thinking about retiring to Cambodia.

I hear you can get a hut on the beach with a wife and servants for a hundred dollars a month.

The only problem is I need these special orthotics, which are very difficult to find in the tropics.

My condition's called pronation, which isn't so bad by itself but when combined with hammertoes...

Okay, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

So, Dewey and Jamie waited until it was late at night...

...and then they made their move.

Don't worry, Jamie.

Not all trapdoors lead to dungeons.


And that's when they realized, Mom and Dad had created a secret good house which they went to every night when the kids were asleep, which is why they're so obsessed with our bedtimes, and we never have anything nice, and why they always come out of the bedroom smiling!

This 90-inch screen is much better than the 75-inch we have in the bathroom.

Oh, absolutely.

By the way, Dewey asked for ice cream again today.

I told him we couldn't afford it.

Oh, I wonder what he'd do if he saw our ice cream helicopter.

These could use some freshening up.

Did you charge the Brother Bot?

I believe it's good to go.

Drinks, Francis.

You are the worst parents in the world.

You undermine my confidence at every turn.

You are the worst parents in the world.

And yet, as unbelievable as all of this was, it still didn't prepare them for the biggest surprise of all, the most incredible thing they'd ever seen.

A pair of pants, his size, that had never been worn or handed down from an older brother.

With no holes, no stains, no funny smell, no dead stuff in the pockets.

He had to wear those pants.

Sorry, sorry.

It's not so much a paste as a crust.

I have to have it scraped off... Can we just get our...?




♪ All the time, Sussudio ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Now she don't even know my name... ♪ Vernon, the hamsters have left the wheel!

This is not a drill!

The hamsters have left the wheel!

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, if she called me, I'd be there ♪

♪ I'd come running anywhere ♪

♪ She's all I need, all my life ♪

♪ I feel so good if I just say the word ♪

♪ Sussudio ♪

♪ Just say the word, oh, Sussudio ♪

♪ Sussudio, oh, Sussudio... ♪

Congratulations, guys.

Now, when he signs that confession, give him his clothes back.

What are we going to do?

I don't know where else to get beer.

Can we go home now?

Shut up!

Oh, my God!

Joanne, Aaron's here.

Hey, Aaron!

You think you're so special?

Well, watch this! I'll kiss anything!

You don't have to do this, Reese.

Hey, she's the one who's disgusted by this, not me.

Oh, my God!

Jamie's nunu! What?

Jamie's nunu!

He can't sleep without his nunu!

We've got to get this home!


I'll do anything you want. Just take us home now.

You know, kid, for a dumb-ass, you got heart.

Are they... meeting us... later?

So the alarm is going off, and Dewey and Jamie are trapped.

Oh, my God.

Someone is trying to steal the perfect pants.

There'll be dire consequences for this.

Francis, find who's ever stealing the perfect pants and stop them!

Do this, do that.

You are terrible parents.

You have made it impossible for me to trust another human being.

You are terrible parents.

Jamie, I should have known it was you.

You are in so much trouble.

You are grounded.

Do you hear me?

That means no TV, no phone privileges, no going out with your friends.


The moral of the story is that I'll screw you over in a heartbeat, the way my brothers do me.

That's the way it works around here.


You're asleep.

Don't worry, Dewey!

We got Jamie's nunu!

What are you doing?


That's all he needed.

Everybody, relax!

I've got the diapers!

Dad! Dad! Dad! What?

Way to go. Jamie was just asleep.

You're so loud. So how am I supposed to know that?

What is going on here?

Oh, my God.

Is that a newspaper diaper?

What have you been doing?!

You've got this baby so agitated, he's going to be up all night.

You could take Jamie for a drive.

That always puts him to sleep.

At this hour?

I could get used to this.

I've never been in a limousine this big before.

Yeah, right.