Malcolm in the Middle S5E21 Script

Reese Joins the Army: Part 1 (2004)

Do you think babies dream?

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Oh, Jamie finally fell asleep.

Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?

How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off?

"Ultimate Final Notice" is obviously more serious than "Absolute Final Notice," but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, "Please."

Would someone get my calculator out of the car?

I'll get it.

I'll go with you.

That's Beth, Reese's girlfriend for the last month.

She's really starting to bug me.

First I had to hear them through their baby-talk phase.

Then they had their giggling phone call phase.

Now they're on their endless making-out phase.

It's gotten to the point where I can't tell if they're kissing or cleaning each other.

Well, forget this one.

What's the vet going to do?

Bring Dewey's bird back to life?

The Feds arrested Morrison today.

He locked himself in the supply cabinet and they just carried the whole thing out.

God, haven't they finished arresting people yet?

Dewey, could you please not do that right now?

Look, I need to have both the Debussy and the Ravel nailed by tomorrow morning.

The selection committee for the youth music festival won't be impressed with simple etudes.


I'm just sharing my day.

Thanks for taking an interest.

Okay, we'll be studying.

Wait, where's my calculator?


I'll get it.

I'll go with you.

Buckle up.

I'm Agent Stone. This is Agent Scurry.

We're from the FBI.

I thought it was just a squirrel.

That's why I kept going.

God, if I could have that day back, I would give anything...

Sir, this is about the company you work for.

In the last eight months we've filed 230 criminal indictments.

People are flying into jail cells.

It's beautiful.

Except for your department.

But we're just about ready to pounce on Ken Wixted.

Ken Wixted?

We've got him dead-to-rights. We just need you to confirm a couple of key details.

Did you ever see Ken Wixted change the numbers on a Section 13B filing after it was signed by the company auditors?

What? No.

Did he ever mention, maybe in passing, anything about an offshore account in the Cayman Islands, or a villa?

Anything about a villa?

I don't think so.

Hal, we really, really need you to search your memory.

Think hard about whether you're remembering right, or whether you should change your answer to yes.

Do you want me to lie?

We're just asking if you'd like to confirm what everybody already knows, or whether you'd like to provoke the full fury of the United States government.

Now, can you swing by my kid's school?

I forgot to give him his lunch.


Are your parents passed out yet?

Yeah, but what are you doing?

I thought you were working late.

Why are you dressed like that?

Because I've been thinking about this moment for a long time, and I want it to be perfect.

Beth, I have something to tell you.

Beth... I love you.

I love you. I love you.

Oh, God.

This is going to be so horrible for you.

I am so sorry.

What do you mean?

I want to break up.


Yeah, yeah, that's okay.

Yeah, that's fine.

You know, I was just kidding anyway about... yeah.

It's no biggie.

Look, Reese.

It's not you, it's me.

I just think I can do better.

I think we should end it now before things get even...

Can we stop that music?

I should go.

Reese, if I could make myself like you, I would.

What's that?

Reese, stop, you're going to wake up my parents.

You really don't want to do this. It's not what...

She grew on me.

Please don't kill me.

You can break my fingers.

Or if you just want to rest, I'll break them for you.

I just want you to be happy.

Wow, I thought there'd be a huge fistfight.

I mean, I had no right to expect it, but I would have understood.

They want you to lie?

They never said that exactly.

Well, the big guy never said anything.

These guys are serious, Lois.

And they're everywhere.

It's scary.

Well, I aced my audition.

They're sending me to the state finals.

So now I just need to tell them how many family members are coming.

Dewey, we're in the middle of something important here.

So that's me and everybody who cares about me.


Do you believe the way these guys operate?

They find some weak little patsy they're sure's going to crack under the slightest pressure just so they don't have to do their own legwork.

I'm embarrassed for both of us.

Well, this is America, Hal.

You are not going to lie to put someone in jail who might be innocent.

You are right, and you know what?

I'm going to tell them that right now.

You've taken my arms and legs.

What else do you want?

I want your eyeballs for my chocolate sundae.

But I'll be blind, and your sundae will only taste a little bit better.

I'm the worst brother ever!

Malcolm, Malcolm.

Wake up! Reese is gone.

What? Where'd he go? The note didn't say.

"If my own brother could stab me through the heart..."

Blah, blah, blah...


Blah, blah, blah...

"Good-bye forever."


Mom and Dad are going to make a big deal out of this. Let's just sit on it till I get an answer about my music festival.

What's happening? What are you doing?

Wixted rolled over on you, Hal.

He told us all about your offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands, altering documents, the villa, everything.

Can't he at least put some pants on?

Just as soon as we get a good perp-walk out of him.

This is ridiculous!

He doesn't belong in jail!

He doesn't even look in the back of the TV Guide for the crossword answers!

Honey, I love you.

Keep the phone bill paid so I can call you.

And the trick to the thermostat is to push in before you twist it.

Sir, you need to stand still.

And I need a lawyer.

Not Reese's. I-I want a good one.

Sir, you need to stop squirming.

Boys, go back in the house.

Boys, your daddy loves you very much.

And don't worry about this.

Sir, this is your last warning.

Believe in the American Justice Sys...

I guess Dad's a no.

Don't worry, Hal.

I will be there first thing in the morning.

Yes, I will bring your shaving cream and your toothbrush.

No, Hal, do not make a break for it.

Say it back to me.

Okay. I love you.

That's not evidence!

Those are my birth control pills!

I brought them with me!

The beagle made a pointy foot.

It's out of my hands, lady.

What the hell is wrong with you?

At least leave me one.

Francis, don't make any more trouble than we already have.

And you do not have a warrant to vandalize our house!

When this is all over, you are going to be chalking tires all the way from here to Montreal!

Don't you threaten me, lady.

♪ ♪

...with both hands and a flashlight!


The lawyer's supposed to meet me here at 7:00.

If I'm late, feed him something, but not the tuna casserole.

That has to last for the next four days.

Hopefully, by that time, your father will...

Somebody better do those dishes.

Mom, don't worry.

Just do what you have to do.

We'll look after the house. I have to go.

Don't let me forget to get your father's allergy medication and pick up his suit for the hearing.

You want me to do anything?

Well, you could steal your brother's girlfriend.

Oh, wait, you already did that.

I know what I did was awful.

Believe me, I know, and I don't even want forgiveness, but I think if you all just give me a chance, I can prove that I'm a better person than this.

My eyes are up here.

I'm just going to have to find Reese, that's all.

It shouldn't be too hard.

Where's he going to go, anyway?

Welcome to the U.S. Army, your home for the next three years.

You will proceed single-file on the yellow stripe to the processing facility.

Do not overwork your tiny little brains trying to figure out what the other stripes are for.

Now move!

Not good enough?

I'm good enough for this place.

Hold it!

Are you sure you're 18?

Got the driver's license to prove it.

All right, Private Jetson.

Get back in line!

I'm garbage.

I belong in a garbage can.

I am garbage.

I belong in a garbage can.

I am garbage.

I belong in a garbage can. I am...

Does he have to wear that thing?

Hey, it was either house arrest or jail.

I think we made the right choice.

All right, your anklet sends a signal to the tamperproof base station.

Your court order says you have to stay within a 50-foot radius.

Can I shower with this?

Oh, now you're snapping at me?

Okay, you just lost ten feet.

What are you doing?

Let me tell you how this works.

You may have a court order, but the truth is I can set this to whatever I want: 200 miles or four inches.

Oh, look. You're vacationing in Vegas.

Whoops. You can't get out of your own bathroom.

Lois, I've been in the public defender's office for ten years, and I can tell you that arraignment was not a disaster.

I bet we can get 'em down to conspiracy to commit fraud.

That's what he's already charged with!


Do you have a pen?

Look, I know how overworked you are, but from now on, you have only one case: an innocent man with five children and a wife whose lives are teetering on the brink of oblivion.

Please don't let that happen.

You have to save my family.

You are the only person who can help us.

Lois, I swear to you, I will work night and day to get your husband out of this.

My screenplay can wait a few months.

I'm sorry, Hal.

I have to go to work, but don't worry.

We will get through this.

I love you.

Oh, I have the most amazing wife.

Now you're going to throw that in my face?

That cost you five feet.

All right, troop, you're next.

Get in the chair.

Okay, I was thinking something like this.

Look at this lifeguard.

Is there a straight-guy version of that, 'cause that'd be perfect for me.

Okay, if you stop here, I think I can still make it work.

It'll look longer when it's combed out, right?

There's no way I would have picked the laundry if I knew that this stuff was in it.

You're afraid of your mother's underwear?

What's the big deal about your mother's underwear?

Stop saying "mother's underwear."

I don't know how much longer Mom can handle all this-- the double shifts, the bills, the meetings with the police and the lawyers.

Don't forget the missing son.

I'm going to find him!

Well, if anyone cares, my flight number is five...

Oh, hey, Mom.

Just give us a second, and we'll clear all this stuff off the bed for you.

What time does she want the alarm set?


We're also supposed to brush our teeth.

Good morning, maggots!

Now, I want you to understand why I call you maggots.

The maggot is the slimy, quivering larval form of the common housefly, and we all know what maggots eat.

And I will be the guy providing...

Good God.

I bet there's a great story for this, isn't there, son?

Hang on.

Of course.


Would you like to tell me what happened to your gear, Private?

Oh, I traded it.

I got this and five cartridges.

So, you just blithely gave away your government-issued rucksack and poncho?

Well, the pack, I figure, I can eventually get off a dead guy, and the poncho?

Come on. Does it look like rain to you?

♪ My drill sergeant helps me learn ♪

♪ I am just a lowly worm ♪

♪ He commands the sun and rain ♪ Right. ♪ I am just a human stain ♪

♪ My drill... ♪

Oh, my God! Jamie!


Jamie, honey, c-come to Daddy.

Come to Daddy, Jamie.

Come on. Jamie!

Look inside the basket.

Look, Jamie, it's your favorite.

Jamie, don't go in there. That's dangerous!

No, no, no, no.

You stay away from there.

Don't you touch that.


Attaboy, Jamie!



Hello, Hal.

I have some information that can help you.

What? Who is this?

I'm not going to tell you, but I know you're innocent, and I can prove it.

We need to meet face to face, somewhere where there's a crowd.

But I can't...

Look, if you want to stay out of jail, you'll do it.

Why can't you come here?

Your place is being watched.

Your phone's probably bugged, too.

Meet me Thursday at noon at the place where you go when you say you're getting more toner.

The Donut Shack?

All right, plan "B."

Meet me at the place where you go when you say you've got a dentist appointment.

Don't say where it is.

Got it.

Hey, I know who this is.


My drill sergeant's breath is not my concern!

My drill sergeant's breath is not my concern!

My drill sergeant's breath is not my concern!

So, I put the base station in there with a portable power supply.

I modulated a standard cell phone to mimic the analog modem.

Just make sure you stay within 30 feet of this backpack.

Don't worry. I've got the ankle bracelet completely camouflaged.

Can you believe your mom wanted to give these to the blind?

Remember, you have to be back by 4:00.

That's when Mom gets home.

And you understand how important it is to keep this from her, don't you?

Francis, you're in charge of making sure Malcolm doesn't betray me, like he's prone to do.


Well, troop, you've polished your boots before everyone else.

How on God's good earth did you accomplish that miracle?

I just did it exactly the way you told me to.

Remove laces, pull tongue forward, apply polish, pull tongue backward, buff, replace laces, repeat.

I did the same thing to make my bed and secure my foot locker.

Well, that's the most miraculous turnaround that I've ever seen.

I want you to explain to these recruits how the worst soldier in the unit has managed to put them all to shame!

I just stopped thinking.

I figured out that using my brain was the whole problem... not just here, but my entire life.

If I just do exactly what I'm told and nothing else, then everything gets easy.

It's not even a question of smart or dumb.

You just turn yourself into a tool.

I'm much happier that way.

I'm the world's happiest tool.

You must be proud of yourself, son.

I don't know if I am or not.

I'm waiting for you to tell me.

My God.

A soldier like you comes along once in a thousand years.

Mom! You're home early.

Yup. Got fired. What?!

I gave someone $2,000 in change instead of $20.

But you know what?

We just adapt. We move forward.

I'll get another job, and in the meantime, I can get started on dinner.

Actually, they repossessed the fridge this morning.

Fine. We will get through this.

It's okay.

He's all right.

Just got away from me for a second.

And we will get through this... as long as we're together, as long as we have each other.

We are a family. Where's Dad?

He's gone.

I think I'll take a shower.

Left, right, left, right!

Fork up! In! Chew, chew!

Left to right!

Front to back!

Bear down!


One, two, three, four...

29, 30.

Listen, I don't have much time.

I know everybody who's in on this, and I know exactly what they did because I helped 'em.

What? They paid me millions.

I was happy just to sit back and watch you take a fall.

But then I found out I'm dying.

I got six months at the most.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

Listen, I can't go to my grave with this on my conscience, so I'm flipping on all of them-- I'm going to tell the truth...

...but we can't tip our hand.

They're too powerful.

If they even get a whiff of this, they'll just fabricate new documents, and we'll both go down.

You won't hear from me until I show up at the courthouse.

Don't follow me.

I've also got some overdue book fines I want to get off my conscience.

Mom, will you at least talk to us?

I'm in the shower, honey.

Yes, we know you're in the shower.

It's been three hours now.

The water must be freezing.

Do I bother you when you're in the shower?

Mom, listen, I know how hard this is for you.

I know how scared you are, but you know what?

You've got a family that depends on you, and as impossible as it seems, you just got to suck it up one more time.

Just one more time, Mom; that's all we need.

You know you can do this.

In a minute. I'm in the shower.


Sorry, Officer. Excuse me.

You in a hurry? You know, busy day.

You understand. Is that your backpack?

Oh, uh, no, no. Absolutely not.

Better check it out.

Whoa! I think we got a bomb here.

You got to get out of here.

No, I-I can't.

Sir, I need you to step away to a distance of at least 150 feet.

I can't do that. I'm... I'm...

I'm in the bomb squad.

What? That's right.

You better let a professional handle this.

Damn. I was a week from retirement.

You get to safety. I'll take it from here.

Yes, sir.