Malcolm in the Middle S5E22 Script

Reese Joins the Army: Part 2 (2004)

Previously on Malcolm in the Middle... I love you.

I want to break up.

Welcome to the US Army!

You are not going to lie to put someone in jail who might be innocent.

Can't he at least put some pants on?

Just as soon as we get a good perp walk out of him.

Your court order says you have to stay within a 50-foot radius.

My drill sergeant's breath is not my concern!

I know you're innocent, and I can prove it.

Just make sure you stay within 30 feet of this backpack.

I want you to explain to these recruits how the worst soldier in the unit has managed to put them all to shame.

I just stopped thinking.

I'm the world's happiest tool.

Mom, you've been in there for three hours!

In a minute. I'm in the shower!

I think we got a bomb here.

Sir, I need you to step away to a distance of at least 150 feet.

I can't do that.

I'm... I'm...

I'm in the bomb squad.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

You're not alone.

We've called every available police officer in the Tri-County area.

Are you sure you don't need any equipment?

We've got some needle-nose pliers.

No! Stay away!

Everyone has to stay away!

This thing is picking up a lot of vibrations right now.

I said get back.

Do you have a death wish, Officer?

I'm Lieutenant Sortino with the bomb squad.

I'm here to help. What's your name?

No time for introductions.

We've got a level five explosive with a gravity timer and a percussion fuse.

What bomb squad did you say you were with?


I'm off duty.

Came by to return a library book.

You've got a better selection here.

And they charge 50 cents a day back home.

Now, I know the fines help pay for the place, but that's really a very small part of the budget.

Now, if we are finished playing 20 questions, I've got lives to save.

Since you guys seem more up to date in Millbrook, I'm just going to go call your supervisor, see if he can send some backup.

Hoo-hoo! Sure.

If you can find him.

Okay, I'm going to try to detach the coaxial...

Oh, no!

I cut the wrong wire!

It's gonna blow!

Tell my wife I love her!






See? You don't need grocery money if you're creative.

I wish I had better news for you, Hal, but the prosecution has 30 eyewitnesses that can all avoid going to prison themselves by fingering you.

How about my mystery guy?

He's only got six months to live.

He doesn't want to die with a guilty conscience.

He's gonna completely exonerate me.

And he's not imaginary.

This is pretty much how things have been going around here lately.

Dad's trial starts tomorrow, we still have no idea where Reese is, and Mom kind of had a breakdown.

It's okay. She's slowly working her way back.

I think her new hobby's helping her.

This one's name is Sam Gundlebumps.

He grew up on a farm where he was friends with a turkey and a duck.

He can't see very well, so he's always getting lost.

It'll be okay, Lois.

We're gonna find Reese.

Look, he picked flowers.

He's going a-courtin'.

Right face!

Left face!

About face!

Right arm windmill!

Hop on your left foot!


About face!

Forward march!

He'll do that all day.

He's got no more thought than a bug.

It's almost enough to restore my faith in the future of this army.

I guess those subliminal ads are working after all.

The army doesn't use subliminal ads.

At ease!

Now, in a few days we have some very important field training exercises, and I want you to be my number two, because you will obey my every command like some kind of beautiful, brainless zombie robot.

I'd be honored, Drill Sergeant.

Now let's go make some bets and march you into the electric fence.

I saw the defendant hack through the proxy server's firewall, and delete the SPE files without leaving any tracks.

I didn't totally understand it, but he said the dummy corporation could be used to launder all the money we siphoned off.

You can threaten my children all you want!

I don't care!

I have to tell the truth!

For God's sakes, do something.

Just be patient.

There's such a thing as too much evidence.

Eventually they'll get bored.

The prosecution calls Gordon Walker.

That's him. That's my guy.

I was worried about what I would say when I got up here, but deep down, I knew I would have to tell the truth.

There's a conspiracy going on here, and it's all been orchestrated by that man.

Is he pointing at someone directly behind me?

And after he shredded the last of the documents, he delivered the punch line to yet another racist joke.

No further questions.

Turns out I'm gonna live.

They had the wrong X ray.

Boy, when you've had a scare like mine, you realize what's really important-- staying out of jail.

Good luck.

With this many people lying, we've got to be able to find something to trip one of them up.

Let's not get our hopes up.

Mom, I know you've had a rough time and that your little projects are very therapeutic for you, but Dad is in very big trouble.

You have to start helping.

Honey, I know this is a crisis, and believe me, I'm doing everything I can.

I spent extra money on quick-drying glue, so no matter how you shake it, the sequins won't fall off.

After what happened at Compulsories, Rebecca's really got to nail her long program.

Those flour bombs just don't do it for me.

I miss the old days when we got to use live ordnance.

That looked like the movies.

Tell your men advance northwest, 20 meters.

Advance northwest, 20 meters!

North-northeast, five meters!

North-northeast, five meters!

Crap. I'm hit!

I'm gonna go die over here in the shade.

Get to the rendezvous point!

Bravo, lay down cover fire! Alpha, flank right.

Get to the rendezvous point! Bravo, lay down cover fire.

Alpha, flank right!

You are really showing leadership, soldier!

I am really showing leadership!

I'm allergic to wheat products!

This is going to be awesome.

You've got to watch this.

He swells up like a balloon.


We got a vehicle from Blue Team approaching.

Squad Leader!

Intercept that vehicle!

Yes, Sergeant!

Oh, no!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

God, I love that boy.

More Blue Team vehicles approaching-- should we run?

Sergeant! Sergeant!

Forget the sergeant!

Just say we can run!

Sergeant? Sergeant?

Idiot! Move!

Reese! Come on!

Can we go?!

Sergeant? Sergeant?

Sergeant? Sergeant?


Ladies and gentlemen, you have heard a staggering amount of evidence against the defendant.

Let me clarify what we now know.

Three members of the board of directors testified that the defendant submitted altered financial statements on August 9.

The Senior VP of Finance heard the defendant plot to hide company assets offshore on December 6.

The Chief Operations Officer saw him shredding documents in a stairwell on February 21.

And on June 27, the Director of IT Services testified that the defendant showed him pictures of his new yacht which he named Above the Law.

And, on July 11, you heard the Senior Analyst break down in tears as he revealed the defendant's scheme to bilk the company out of millions...

What are you doing?

Shh. I'm awake.

I'm trying to get you grounds for an appeal.

Mom? Are you coming out for dinner?

I'm just taking Penelope's temperature.

I think she caught Ambrosia's cold.

Is Penelope the foreign correspondent or the candy striper?

No, she's just a homemaker, but a big candy company's interested in her taffy recipe.

Can I have the potatoes?

You can have anything you want, son, if you're willing to work for it.

Just reach for the stars and never let go.

I should have told you that a long time ago.

And when you write an angry letter, hold onto it for a day.

You might not feel the same in the morning.

And never invest in a friend's restaurant. Never.

You know what?

I'm not hungry.

Come on, Dewey, let's go teach you how to shave.


When you tip a valet, always fold your dollar up real tight.

That way, by the time he sees what he's got, you're down the block.


I made coffee. You want some?

Oh, hi.

I was just singing.

Always have a song in your heart, son.


You know what the worst thing is?

I have always hated that job.

I wanted to quit ten years ago when they started deducting for sick days.

I wanted to quit a year ago when they started making us vacuum out our own cubicles.

If I'd have done that, they would have found another patsy and I wouldn't have been in this mess.

They should have just fired me.

I was a terrible employee.

I never read a memo, I came in late, I blew off Fridays.

What the hell is wrong with those people?

Just promise me that you'll learn from my mistakes.

Don't ever settle, Malcolm.

I won't.

I'm going to go make love to your mother one last time.

I probably wasn't going to sleep tonight anyway.

Malcolm, we have to talk.

We've been avoiding this, but it's time to face the facts.

We need you to forge Dad's signature on this document declaring Mom mentally incompetent.

That way, when Dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.

It's funny.

I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin.

Life, huh?

I can't fake Dad's signature.

I do Mom. Reese does Dad.


You should each be able to do both.

What did I tell you about building a little redundancy into the system?

Wait a second.

Oh, my God.

What is it? I need to talk to Dad right now.

Maybe I'll wait 20 minutes.

What were your orders, Private?!

I don't know. Ask the sergeant.

Tell us your call signs and frequencies!

I don't know. Ask the sergeant.

We don't have to do this the hard way.

Let's all take a break and relax a little.

You want a glass of water?

I don't know. Ask the sergeant.

Stop saying that!

This may not be a real war, but I got an extra day's leave riding on this, and a girlfriend who is in model school.

Model school!

Now you will talk or I will make your life a living hell!

You don't think I want to?!

This sucks! I've been a good soldier!

I shut off my brain like the Army wanted.

Everyone said I was doing great, but I'm not!

I have to help my squad.

The guys are depending on me, but I can't!

You know what? I don't care what the Army says.

I'm sick of this!

I'm turning my brain back on!

Did it happen?

Did what happen?


I think it's...

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

Is it?

Damn, I wish there was more of a difference.

Look, you can act as crazy as you'd like, 'cause I got nothing but time.

And no one's coming to rescue you.

Not your sergeant, not your squad, and your mama's not going to come and wipe your nose and change your diaper.


Mom. Of course.

Freak held his breath until he turned blue and then passed out.

Yeah! Whoo!

Haven't done that in a while.

You okay? I'm fine.

I know how to get us out of here.

That's impossible. Look around. We're in prison, man.

Wrong. We are not in prison. We're grounded.

And there's always a way to get out of being grounded.

You can pry up some floorboards... set your bed on fire.

There's only two things you have to remember.

You need a diversion and the little guy gets screwed.

But that's okay.

He's too little to do anything about it.

You're going to have to eat some dirt-- about three pounds of it.

What good's a diversion going to do? We're tied up.

I guess your brothers never tied you up and left you in a Dumpster on trash day.

Okay, start eating.

It's not fatal, it only looks like it.

We need more shovels!

And just get every bucket you can find!

You might want to hike up your pants.

He's got another half hour of this.

Good news, sir.

It looks like Red Team's about to fold.

Two squads have been captured, the others are pinned down here, here, and here.

Okay, now we've just got to sneak the keys out of his purse.

Test, test.

Test, test.

The microphone works.

The chair is perfect, and your hair looks fine, sir.

Can we proceed?

Now then, Hal, we've heard a lot of testimony from people about what you've done at this company.

Why don't you tell us in your own words what kind of an employee you were.


At best.

Would you care to elaborate?

When you work for a big, impersonal corporation like this...

You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae?

It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside.

I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar

'cause at least he got to be on TV.

I hated that job.

I was a crappy employee.

And yet countless eyewitnesses paint you as a man at the center of an ingenious conspiracy.


Time and time again you were placed at a crucial event.

Do you have any way of refuting these claims?

Well, I didn't.

Who could remember what they were doing on January 25, 2002 or March 14, 2003?

But my son figured something out.

Stand up, Malcolm.

I know he looks normal, but my son is a freaky genius with numbers.

I'm telling you, his head should be the size of a medicine ball.

You give him any day of any year, and he can tell you what day of the week it is.

And what does that have to do with anything?

Well, he figured out that every date on the board is a Friday.

Every one. You can check the calendar.

I'm sorry, I don't understand why that would be so important.

I haven't shown up for work on a Friday in 15 years.

He didn't show up on Fridays for 15 years!

That isn't going to be on the record, is it?

Do you have any evidence to back up this wild assertion?

Well, yeah, once I knew what to look for, I realized I had almost everything I need right here in my memory box.

The prosecution maintains that you handed the board of directors a set of cooked books on August 9.

Yes, that's when I went to Bavaria Land.

And when you were supposed to be hiding money offshore on December 6?

I went to The Nutcracker.

Pretty good for a community college production.

February 21.

My driver's license from Grand Prix Go-Carts.

June 27.

Pilgrim Village.

July 11.

There was a ghost in my car.

Right in my car.

And finally, August 22.

Well, I was chosen to be a junior trainer at Oceanland.

He did all the work. I just stood there.

Congratulations, Hal.

Sorry about my little outburst there at the end.

But they really should say

"Innocent" instead of "Not guilty."

It's confusing.

Lois, we won the case.

Now we can get our lives back to the way they were.

You didn't work on Fridays?

After all the sacrifices I made for this family.

For 15 years I worked double shifts, drove carpool, cleaned the house while you were feeding Shamu!

Actually, it's Keiko 2.

He's smaller, but you get just as wet in the front row.

It's a really good show. Let's...

We should see it sometime.

All right, let's get this over with.

Red Team surrenders.

Come on, Hendrix, you can put a little feeling into it.

Yes, sir.

That leaves us with the matter of the wager.

I believe I can expect to see you bright and early tomorrow morning marching on the parade grounds wearing patent leather pumps and a bustier.

Now, I've always favored red, but far be it from me to tell a lady how to dress.

Captain, I suggest you surrender.

If not, I have enough flour packed in this barrel to bake

500 cakes.

All right, don't fire.

We hereby surrender.

Ah, what the hell.

Things are finally back to normal.

Well, except for the fact that Reese is still missing, Mom and Dad both don't have jobs, and we're $20,000 in debt.

It's a letter from Reese.

Oh, my God, he's joined the army.

"Dear family, I'm fine.

"I waited till I was a success to write to you.

"I finished basic training at the top

"of my class.

"My drill sergeant told me I've earned some sort of reward."

All right, gentlemen.

We've entered Afghani airspace.

We expect both hostile and friendly fire.

The better you remember your training, the longer you will survive.

On your feet!

How soon do we land?

Well, that's up to you.

Remember, pull the green cord before the light green cord.