Malcolm in the Middle S5E3 Script

Goodbye Kitty (2003)

Got my keys.

Got my wallet. What...?


Grocery list.

You know the drill.

Mommy never knows.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪ Stevie, for the last time, I'm not going to partner up with you for wheelchair basketball.

I smell... chicken.

I'm not in a wheelchair.

It's creepy.

It's taking a spot from somebody who's really handicapped.

Why don't you ask that drooling kid with the hot nurse?

Norm's... a ball hog.

Hello, boys. Mr. Kenarban, don't you think it's ethically suspect for someone to participate in wheelchair basketball if they're not actually handicapped?

Even if his best friend needs to win... for his mother?

Son, after being gone two months, your mom will be happy as a duck just to see you.

I know she's been gone a long time, Stevie, but it just doesn't feel right to me.

I've always... been there... for you.

Please don't do this to me.

Seventh grade... first dance... open fly.

All right, fine. But I'm sick and tired of you throwing that in my face all the time.

Save it... for the game.

Come on, Jamie, I got to get to work.

Eat. You'll stick a cockroach in your mouth, and you won't even taste this?

Here, Dewey, you're good with the baby.

No, I'm not. You're just saying that.

Aw, you caught me.

Your reward is you get to feed the baby.

I got to run.

What are you doing with my high school diary?

I was looking for a baby book we can use for Jamie.

Turns out we didn't even take the cellophane off Dewey's.

Malcolm, Reese, get a move on!

What on earth are you doing?

I have to practice being in a wheelchair.

Oh... I suppose that makes sense.

You never know. All it takes is one horrible accident, and you end up in one of those for the rest of your life.

It's just for basketball.

That's the spirit.


What is taking you so long?

Why don't you just admit it-- nobody in this house cares about my hair but me!

Let's go! Come on!

Come on, Jamie, just eat it.

It's not that bad.


I don't hate it.


What did the vet say about Paint Can?

Oh, she's fine.

Just fine.

It's terrible news.

She has acute laminitis in her hoof.

I'm afraid we will have to put her down.

You mean kill her?


Oh, the poor thing.

Who's going to have to do it?

We will have to do it, Francis.

You're kidding. We have no choice.

After all, we are real ranchers.

We must be strong and determined, and never shirk from our responsibilities, no matter how unpleasant they may be.

You're going to make me do this, aren't you?


Dewey, get out here or I'm going to throw your dinner away!


This meal looks fantastic, Lois.

Thank you so much for the invitation.

Well, we figured with Kitty coming home tomorrow, you'd like one last chance to enjoy meat.

You're not going to believe what happened to me at school today.

Some girl dropped her diary into my backpack by mistake.

Do you know whose it is?

No, but it's awesome.

She talks about her teachers, classes, friends.

It's like a whole world I never knew existed.

Dig in, Stevie.

That's real butter pooling on your plate.

Can't eat. Too excited... about Mom coming home.

I made her... a card.

Baked her a cake.

Wrote her a song.

Stevie, you're going to black out again.

Can we put up Chinese lanterns?

You bet, son.

Anything you want.

Hal, I wonder if I could see you for just a moment.

Oh, sure.

Stevie is certainly excited about his mother coming home tomorrow.

Kitty isn't on a business trip.

She divorced me two months ago.

She's never coming home.

What? Kitty isn't on a business trip.

She divorced me two months ago.

She's never coming home.


Kitty isn't on a business trip...

No, it's not that kind of "what."

Stevie thinks she's coming back tomorrow.

I know I should have told him, but every time I'd look in his face-- you know me, Hal.

I've always had a hard time being... you know... direct.

That was one of my problems with Kitty.

That, and the utterly mechanical nature of our sex life.

Look, Stevie has to know that his mother isn't coming back.

You're absolutely right.

Any way you could tell him?

Why would I tell him?

What's the matter?

Kitty divorced Abe. She's not coming home.

Oh, my God! What on earth happened?

The truth is, the last few years, she only stayed with me because of Stevie.

He's always been so sick and helpless.

The whole marriage was built around taking care of him.

Oh, I had no idea.

Then, two months ago, she walked in and announced that Stevie was finally doing just fine.

Then she packed her bags and left.

Now, look, Abe, I'm really sorry, but Stevie still has to know.

Abe, you have got to tell Stevie.

Tell him what?

None of your business. Get back to the table.

How do I tell that poor boy his mother is never coming home?

I'll tell him.

I told you to get out of here.

What's going on?

Kitty and Abe got a divorce.

Now, leave us alone.


Abe, you have got to do the right thing and go in there now.

What about Malcolm?

Why can't he tell him?

Wouldn't it be more comforting coming from his best friend?

I said I'd tell him.

Reese, out. Now!

Why should I tell him?

Well, you're not entirely blameless in this.

What? You're the one who always pushed him to try new things-- dances, ski trips, basketball.

Before he met you, that boy could hardly handle a yo-yo.

By what stretch of the imagination is this considered one full serving?

Not now, Dewey.

Abe, we are through talking about this. Now, go!

Okay, I told him.


He's taking it pretty hard.

Somebody should probably go over there and talk to him.

It's really weird.

It's only been three days since Stevie found out about him mom, but he's regressed, like, ten years.

So, I think we can beat these guys.

We just can't be afraid to get physical under the boards.

Come on, Stevie.

I know you're going through a hard time, but we're in the tournament.

This might help take your mind off of it for a while.

Just talk to me, Stevie.

I know you're not this far gone.

You don't know anything about what I am going through or how I feel.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to conserve my remaining strength for breathing.

And stop using that.

You can talk perfectly...

You don't need that thing.


If you're not going to talk to me, I'm out of here.

This whole growing up thing's unfair.

When you're born, everything's perfect, but before you know it, it all goes bad.

Every day, you get a little less attention, you got to do more stuff. and they love you a little less.

No. That's just this family.


How many time do I have to tell you, don't leave your filthy socks on the kitchen table!

"September 18. What an aggravating day.

"Some idiot named Hal streaked our gym class.

"He didn't see the volleyball net, "and they ended up carrying him off in a stretcher.

"And then, at lunch, "this other guy...

Excuse me.

You want to pick that up?

Why should I?

Because it's trash.

Or are you one of those charming people who thinks that's just someone else's responsibility?

That the rest of us should follow you around your whole life and clean up all the little messes you leave behind?

Let me ask you a question.

Were you, like, born 45?

People like you are the reason I am moving to Paris the second I graduate!

Oh, my God!

This girl rocks.

When I tell you to pick something up, pick it up!

I don't know what to do.

Stevie's just devastated. Mm-hmm.

I try to talk to him, but he just shuts me out.

Well, he'll come around. You'll see, Abe.

Everything will be fine. Now, come on.

You don't want to be late for your meeting.

I don't know what's happening with Jamie.

We're going through all this baby food, and he still always wants to nurse.

Honey, not now.

I'm dealing with a family thing here.

Now, if you get a little weepy during your presentation, do what I do: spill coffee on yourself and leave the room.

You're too good to me.

Hal, what exactly are you doing with Abe?

I've seen you pulling the yarn balls off his sweater, and yesterday, you were massaging his feet.

I know he means a lot to you, but you can't replace Kitty.

That's ridiculous, Lois.

I'm just being a good friend.

You matter.



You haven't taken care of Paint Can yet, have you?

What kind of a question is that?

If I had, would I be hiding from you?

It's all right, Francis.

It's unfair of me to put this burden on you.

We will do this thing together.

Just think. We will be sending her to a much better place, with open fields and cool mountain springs where she can run all day, and horses ride people.

Unless, of course, she's been a bad horse.

Then she will have to spend eternity in a lake of fire, with a delicious bale of hay just out of reach.

Otto, I've never killed anything bigger than a poodle.

And that was a total accident.

Francis, as hard as it will be, I know we can do this.

No one said the cowboy life was easy.

I'll meet you here at 5:00, after yoga.

Stevie, what are you doing?

I've seen you do wheelies up and down this ramp.

Why don't you find yourself another project?

Lloyd looks happy.

Why don't you destroy his family?

Stevie, I know what your mom did was horrible, but you've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Get mad.

That's what I would do if my mom walked out on me.

Okay, not my mom.

But the point is, you have every right to be angry.

You're right.

That's exactly what I needed to hear.

Thanks very much.

There you go.

This thing sucks at sarcasm.


"My mommy left me, and now I'm a helpless baby."

Well, I'm not going to let you just sit there and feel sorry for yourself.

Think fast.

Come on, you're not that big of a wuss.

You are not in charge of how big a wuss I am.

I know you can use your arms. Catch it!

Look at the helpless little boy in the wheelchair.

Look at the little cripple.

Are you going to cry?

Are you going to cry, little cripple boy?

Ooh, it's a baby in a wheelchair.

I might be going down a bad road here, but if I stop before I make my point, this could look kind of bad.

"I'm a little baby.

"I can't move my legs. Kick his ass.

Where's my mommy?"

Well, this is interesting.

I now officially qualify for wheelchair basketball.

Never help anyone.

You've never been in love, have you?

October 12.

At lunch, J.J. was telling my fortune.

Wow, "girl" again.

I keep telling you, I'm only going to have girls.

That's if I have kids at all.

I mean, the whole suburban mom thing seems like such a nightmare.

Who is that?

I don't know.

But he's getting to second base, if I have anything to say about it.


I just have to figure out a way to get him to notice me.

I don't think you have to worry about that.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, he'll probably do something you don't like, and you'll unload on him.


I don't unload on people.

Honey, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the truth is, everyone calls you "The Mouth."

The Mouth?

Yeah, but they're just a bunch of immature jerks.

And the principal, he's just trying to fit in.

Abe, you're not getting the flu.

It's just your allergies.

Did you take your spray?

Look in your vest pocket.


What am I going to do with you?

Can you pat my back?


Here you go, Paint Can.

Got you the biggest, nicest carrot I could find.

Please, Francis, let us not drag this out any longer than we have to.

Okay, let's just do it.

Don't worry, Paint Can.

It will all be over soon.

One quick pull of the trigger, and we will put an end to her misery.

Ready... aim... fire!

Why didn't you shoot?

Well, you didn't shoot, either.

I wasn't ready.

I'm ready now.

Good. Here we go. Ready... aim... fire!

Oh, come on, Francis, you're being a coward.

Me? You totally chickened out.

All right.

One the count of three, we both shoot, no matter what.

One... two...


Oh... Come on.

If you're not...

You could have killed me. Only after you killed me.

You cannot kill a horse, What's wrong with you? but you have no problem killing Otto.

Paint Can?

What's the matter with her?

I think she choked on the carrot.

Well, I guess no one can say we're not real ranchers now.


I just hope we don't develop too much of a taste for killing.

I've been thinking about picking up Stevie some of those baggy pants he's been wanting.

Hal, we've been through this.

All the kids are wearing them.

It's not like he's joining a gang.

Well, maybe you're right.

You do know best about these things.

He's lucky to have you, Hal.

Can I get you anything from the kitchen?

No, I'm fine.

Thanks, honey.



You just tried to kiss me.


No, that was a lip twitch.

See? There it goes again.

You know what?

I'm glad this happened.

Because it made me realize something.

Get out.


I can't replace Kitty.

And I'm not doing you any favors by trying.

But what am I supposed to do without you?

What am I supposed to do about Stevie?

I don't have the slightest idea.

But you're his father.

So just get in there.

I know you'll be able to figure it out.

You can do this.

Now, go.

All right.

Hold on.


Mom, I have a proposal for you.

Now, before you start poking holes in it, I'd like you to hear me out.

All I want is no more school and no more big boy clothes.

I'd liked to be bathed and rocked before I go to sleep and have all my food mashed up.

In return, I'll be adorable and...

Are you wearing a diaper?

I want you to know my level of commitment.

Oh, my God!


Stevie, where are you, son? I want to...

Come on.

For God's sake, son, what are you doing out here?

You're soaking wet.

At last you tell me the truth about something.

Son, I know you've had a terrible shock, and you need your father to get you through this.

Well, that's not going to happen because your daddy is a weak, weak man.

Son, what your mother did to you was horrible.

And what I did to you wasn't any better.

I'm sorry.

Keep going.

Stevie, I know your whole life you've had to face tremendous adversity.

You've shown more courage than I've had any right to expect.

And now you're going to have to show even more.

I know it's not fair, but believe me, you can do this.

I've learned to be amazed when it comes to you.

And if it helps, I promise I'll always be there.

Frightened and full of denial, but there.

Let's go... home.

I'll catch... I didn't mean to!

You better... It was a joke!

You're making it worse! I'm a big boy!

Okay, you drive to the hoop.

When they double-team you, kick it out to me, and I'll take the shot.

I'll... take the shot.

I don't... have a mom.

Okay, that's the third time today you've played the "mom card."

Get... used to it.

Hey, jackass, think it's a big joke to be in a wheelchair?

No, no, no, this is real, you know.

I was in a... oh!

Ow! Oh!

October 17.

I kept my mouth shut around Jason for a whole week, and he asked me out.

I will never go back to the old me. No!

Something wrong?

Do you think it's right to totally change who you are and turn your back on everything you believe in just to impress a hot guy?

Burt Reynolds hot or Sting hot?

Forget it.

So then we put in dual exhaust, and now the thing just flies.

I got it up to 130 miles an hour last night.


I like talking to you.

You're a good listener.

So we're all going to ditch class on Friday.

Dave's dad is out of town.

We're going to borrow his speedboat.

So do you want to?

Okay, that's got to stop. Huh?

I'm trying to be nice and not criticize, but I just have to say that that is the most filthy, disgusting habit I've ever seen.

Yes! That's my girl.

Someone's gonna lean against that and get it stuck to their clothes, but do you care?

No, because you're nothing but a self-absorbed, inconsiderate slob.

I'm sorry.


I love how you're so passionate about ecology and stuff.



It's cool.

I could hardly breathe.

I knew he was going to kiss me.

You are so hot.

So are you.


I thought I told you to take out the...

What are you doing with my old diary?