Malcolm in the Middle S5E4 Script

Thanksgiving (2003)

You're only going to take off a quarter-inch on the sides, leave the top and just clean up the back.

Reese, I've done this a million times.

Mom, look. I just ripped my brand-new shirt sneaking into the reservoir-- that place you clearly ordered me never to go.

I don't know why I do these things that are so infuriating to you, but the funny thing is, I don't even care.

Damn it, Dewey, go to your room!

Let's get this over with!

No, Mom! Count to ten! Count to ten!

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

I'll tell you what I'm thankful for.

I finally made friends with some normal kids at school.

Normal kids.

We've been hanging out here all afternoon, and nobody's mentioned grass allergies or pollen count.

Malcolm, I never noticed what nice eyes you have.

Really? Kirsten Stuart.

I think she likes me, but I can never be sure.

Yeah, I guess I was distracted by your freakishly large head.

Mostly 'cause of stuff like that.

Hey, guys, I've got to go.

Hey, party at my house, Thanksgiving.

Three cases of beer. No one's leaving till their gone.

Your parents are out of town?


Oh, sweet. Yeah, of course.

Cute butt.

Why'd you have to spoil it?

I know what she's trying to do.

She's trying to confuse me, throw me off balance.

But you know what? It's not going...


Grab an apron.

It's 6:30 in the morning.

Yes, I know.

That means I have exactly 12 hours left to create the most fantastic Thanksgiving feast in the history of Thanksgiving feasts.

What's with the sheets?

I can't cook with distractions.

I don't think that's...

Dad, remember the chocolate soufflé I made for Thanksgiving two years ago?

Oh, yeah. That was...

Rat puke compared to what I have planned!

The crepes I made last Thanksgiving?

Ooh, they were...

Crap next to what we're having tonight!

Don't think of this as a meal.

This is going to be like eating the Mona Lisa.

Reese, I hardly think you can comp...

Oh, my God.

What do you need?

Your mindless, robot-like obedience to every demand I make-- no matter how small.

Plus, we get to eat anything that falls on the floor.


I'm going over to Dylan's. I'll be back by dinner.

Dylan-- whom I've never met because you're afraid to have me find out what a bad choice he is as a friend?

He's okay, Mom. There's going to be other kids from school there.

It's sort of like a party. I really want to go.

Well, your family is having sort of like a party, too.

It's called Thanksgiving. Now, it's true we're not a bunch of friends you just met last week.

We're only the people who have sacrificed our lives for years so that you could have a home.

I'll only be gone a couple hours, okay?

You mean like the couple of hours you were jammed half-in and half-out of me when you were being born?

Half an hour? I just don't understand what is so horrible about our family.

Yes, she does.

I mean, why on earth would you prefer to be somewhere else for Thanksgiving?

I love her!

And if the two of you are too dead inside to understand what that means, then I just pity you.

No, no, Dad, I understand.

When you get a new toothbrush and you want to break it in...

Go ahead and say it, Lois.

Well, happy Thanksgiving.

I'll just go over there and tell them I'm not coming.

Do whatever you want.

Even though your brother has traveled hundreds of miles with her.

Piama. I know her name.

Your family is going to be here, and we are going to have a lovely Thanksgiving.

I will not keep my voice down!

What, you think they won't know in, like, five minutes that we're getting a divorce?!

Sorry, we're having some problems.

Having some problems?

Is that what you call finding out that all the love that we shared was a lie?!

Hi, Mom.

Malcolm, you better go get your father.


This party's pretty cool.

And, you know, I think I've figured Kirsten out.

It's more of a friend-brother kind of thing.

It's not really sexual.

Then again...

Beer man.

My stepdad drinks so much, he never counts it.


Yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

I need something to warm up that Arctic wind she's blowing up there.

No offense to your mother.

I love her very much.

It's cool, Art.

All right. You kids have fun.

Somebody drop a beer?


My parents are a little less casual about the whole beer thing.

I bet you kiss like a nine-year-old.



Okay, this one I do know what she was doing.

It was a total come-on.

I'll show her how a nine-year-old can kiss.


Don't tell me not to cry!

Maybe my tears will make an ocean and you can sail off on a boat to a new life without me!

How did this happen? It's terrible.

What's that look, Hal?

Come on, Lois. You've been trying to undercut this relationship from the start.

And now all of a sudden, they're getting a divorce and you had nothing to do with it?

Please. You really think I have that much power to orchestrate people's lives besides yours?

All I know is that our son is talking about ending his marriage-- a marriage which you never supported.

Hal, that's ridiculous. Fine, fine.

You want me to go talk to Francis?

Yes. No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is some way for you to try to work out your agenda.

Fine. I will not say a word to either one of 'em.


Wait. You won't say anything, which means you're just going to let this whole thing fall apart.

Oh, I see your game, Lois.

Hal, what is it you want me to do?

No, no, you are not dragging me into your little Machiavellian schemes, thank you very much.

No, you spun these tangled webs yourself, Lois.

You get yourself out.


The real balsamic has a smoother mouth feel.

Good, you're back.

I'm going to start prepping the herbs de Provence and sautéing the mushrooms.

I need you to scrub these pots and pans again.


No, I just finished those.

Dad, look at this.

The stubborn patina of tuna casserole, or enchilada loaf, or whatever in God's name this greasy spoon churns out night after soul-killing night.

But not tonight.

Tonight we go for greatness.

Are you with me, Dad?


This pot is clean enough, Reese.

No one will taste this.

All right, then.

I guess no one will ever taste this!

Oh, my God.

Dewey, I need you to do something for me.

No. No more.

I'm sick of this.

If I have to sculpt another radish or de-vein another prawn...

Dewey, do you trust me?

No. Do you fear me?

No. Not in the long run.

Come on, Dewey.

It's just a couple of things I need that I couldn't get Dad to spring for.

So here's $80 from Dad's wallet.

The items on this list cost $240, so you'll have to turn on the cute.

Can you handle it?

I keep whatever's left over?


Mom, can I talk to you?

No, honey, please.

Don't talk to me about this.

No matter what I say, I'm going to be blamed.

This is for you to work out with that woman.

Piama. I know her name.

Could you just listen to me for a second?

If Piama and I ever were to get a divorce...

Francis, don't even talk like that.

I mean it.

You really shouldn't.

What were you going to say?

If we ever were to split up, could I stay here for a while?

God, Francis, I hate to even think of such a thing.

But, yes, if such a terrible thing were to happen, of course, we'd be here for you.

Thanks, Mom. I mean, it was a stupid fight, I guess, but it was emblematic of everything that was bad with the relationship.

I mean, there are principles. Principles are important.

I know. I mean, so what if I'd had a couple beers?

How does it look in front of the guys if the woman's driving?


She didn't care about my feelings at all.



Of all the idiotic, asinine things you have ever said, Francis, this has got to be one of the worst!

I thought you were on my side.

You don't have a side!

Now, you are going to go and apologize to that woman.

You are going to tell her that you are wrong and she is absolutely blameless.

You really...? Go!

Okay, okay.

Yes, he is an idiot.

Okay, Dad, get the bird.


What, this is the turkey you got?

It's perfect. It's really small.

Well, if it were any bigger, it wouldn't be able to fit inside of this!

What? Y-You're going to put our dinner inside that monster?

It's a monkfish.

The juices of the monkfish will baste the turkey.

The flavor from the turkey will saturate the fish, both melding into one fantastic dish.

Reese, this doesn't seem like a good idea.

I don't know, Dad. Maybe you're right.

Maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Oh! Mmm!

You know, that really shouldn't work.

Listen, my ugly beauty.

Yesterday you were sucking scum off the bottom of the sea.

Tonight you're going to tango with the gods.

Yes, master, I will be delicious for you.

Okay, things have definitely been going better.

I'm absolutely more or less sure she might like me...

I think.

Looks like you're behind the proverbial eight ball.

Oh, geez, "proverbial?"

Maybe she didn't notice.

Malcolm, can you hand me the chalk?

It's right there next to the proverbial cheese dip.

Okay, okay.

I know it was a little stilted.

No, I thought it was right on the proverbial money.

All right. Sorry. Did I hit the proverbial sore spot?

You know, you may think that's flirting, but it's not.

It's just hostility.

No, I-I'm pretty sure it's flirting.


I guess I'm not as good at this as I thought.

Before we're old?

Son, these truffles are really expensive.

And if you lost your money, it's really not my problem.


...they told me to get truffles.

I don't know why, but... parents tell me this is going to be a very special Thanksgiving.

My boss is a jackass anyway.


I saw you talking to Francis, Lois.

You couldn't stay out of it, could you?

You had to drive a wedge.

Hal, I told him that Piama was right and that he has to apologize to her.


I'm not smart enough to figure out what you're up to, but when something bad happens, I am blaming you.

Dad, what are these?

Minced onions.

Minced? I specifically asked for diced!

Come on, Dad!

Don't take that tone with me, Reese.

This isn't fun.

Fun? No, Dewey, this is not fun.

Neither one of you seems to understand.

We are not playing games here.

There are lives at stake.

No, there aren't.

Okay, but it's very important.

We're creating something special, something great...

...something beautiful.

Why is my wallet in my other pocket?

Can we stay focused, Dad?

There was $80 in here.

I had to!

The cheese course was a joke.

Reese, you are in big trouble.

And you know what? I have had it with this.

I'm through!

With the helping part.

I'm still doing the eating part.

Fine, go.

I don't need you. I still have Dewey.

He's twice the assistant entremetier that you'll ever be!

Why haven't you talked to her yet?

She won't let me. Every time I go near her, she walks out of the room.

Piama... I know that you and I have had our differences...

Oh, you mean the cold, uncomfortable silences broken by the occasional veiled insult?

I'm not sure I would have put it like that.


Here's what I want to say.

I believe in marriage.

I believe in every marriage.

And I think if you just listen to Francis, you'll like what you hear.



I'll just leave you two to talk.

You know what?

I didn't want to butt in, but I'm glad I did.

What did you do, Lois? I talked to Piama.

At least she seemed interested in listening to what Francis had to say.

He's going to tell her exactly what I told him to say.

What business is it of yours if I don't want to wear thong underpants?


Piama, I didn't get to finish.

See what happens, Lois?

I don't care what shape we cut the mushrooms! I quit!

This is why you're always going to be a little man living in a little world!

I don't need you! I don't need anyone!

This is the worst Thanksgiving ever!

This is the best Thanksgiving ever.

I'm going to memorize this moment so I never forget it.

This is the best Thanksgiving ever.

I'm going to memorize this moment so I never forget it.

Where is everybody?



No one came and got us.

Well, the hell with them.

Let me do the talking.

Good evening to you, sir.

Oh, hi.

Where is everyone?

Studying. Probably.

That would be my guess.

What, is he asleep?

I think he ate too much turkey.

All that kryptonite...

There's pie upstairs.

Thank you.

That's a very generous offer.

I know the pilgrims, you know, facing that first bitter cold winter, Malcolm, he's gone. really would have appreciated a little bit of pie. That might... Ow!

I think I'm getting better at reading her signals.

Are you okay?

♪ I'm back. ♪ Come on... let's do it.

You gonna?

I got to go.

My brother will kick your ass if you tell.

What is all this stuff?

Piama, good, I need you.

Here, stir this pot.

All right, all right.

I just have to stuff the acorn squash rings with roasted pepper and polenta, sear the scallops with...

The monkfish!

Where are the oven mitts?!

You want me to look?

No, keep stirring.

No place mats, no tea towels... I need something.

I'll get a towel from the bathroom.

No, there's not enough time!

It has to come out at exactly 5:38.

Not 5:37, not 5:39.

What are you going to do?

There's only one thing I can do.

Reese, no!


Clear me a space!


Move the oven mitts!

Where is Malcolm?

He knows he's supposed to be here.

This is Thanksgiving.

Yeah... he certainly wouldn't want to miss this.

Well, I've done it.

The feast is about to start.

It's about time.

I'm not even hungry.

Can I be excused?

Oh, my...



Wow. Oh!

The turkey monkfish.

I'll say grace.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me the talent to express my love for my family in the only way I know how.

Amen. Amen.

Hey, party people.

Oh, my God, you're drunk!

What on earth is wrong with you?

I will tell you what is wrong with me, on earth.

The reason why I drank is because I'm a coward, and probably gay.

I let a perfect opportunity just slip right through my fingers, and, you know, I thought I'd cap it off by getting stinking drunk.

What do you think of your golden boy now, Mom?

What "golden boy"?!

Get in your room!

I'll deal with you later.

I will go to my room when I am finished with what I have to say.

Hey, come on.

Some of the shrimp is still good.

I just left her there on the floor and staggered home.

To shower us with affection.


Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I mean, sure, the distance wasn't much of a factor, but the volume was impressive.

So you going to see this girl again?

Are you kidding?

I can't believe it.

We were alone. She wanted to do it.

I was right there.

How could I have chickened out?

Dude, you didn't take advantage of a drunk chick.

Mom must be slipping.

All I got was no TV, video games or computer.

I have to clean all the kitchen and bathroom tile with a toothbrush, wash every window in the house and change Jamie's diaper for the next six months, but...

No, you got, like, nine other things after you passed out.

You have got to do something, Lois.

Piama just asked me for a ride to the bus station.

I thought you didn't want me to interfere.

Okay, I take back everything I said.

You can interfere as much as you want-- just fix it!


I'm ready.

Piama, there's just one thing I want to say.

I know that breaking up is painful, but I think in the long run, you'll find it's for the best.

For the best? Well, Francis, let's be serious.

This marriage never had a chance.

I just think that you'll be better friends once you're divorced.

Who said we're getting divorced?

I love Francis!

You can't stand to see anyone happy, can you, Mom?

Come on, honey, let's go get my things.

They're out in the trash.

Sorry, honey.

That's okay, sweetie.

Once again, you've underestimated us.

We're not the little dancing monkeys you thought we were.

Thanks, honey.