Malcolm in the Middle S5E5 Script

Malcolm Films Reese (2003)

Come on, we can't. We'll wake up the baby.

That is what old reliable is for.

Besides, babies at this age don't remember anything.

♪ Life is unfair. ♪ What is wrong with you?

You two ruin everything.

Look what you've done to this shirt.

You saw the price tag, and you knew I'd just bought it.

This has become a daily event.

She actually pays more attention to them than to us.

Maybe that's not a bad thing.

Do you think I can afford to keep on buying new clothes?

Oh, honey, come on. Hey. Enough is enough.

Look, I want you to go out and buy a new washer and dryer.

You know we can't afford that.

Look, I wasn't going to say anything yet, but you know all those crappy stock options I've been getting instead of bonuses?

Well, I think they're finally going to be worth something.

There have been people flying back and forth to New York and all these closed-door meetings.

I think that merger is finally going through.

Oh, Hal, that would be wonderful.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

Don't want to be late for school today.

I'm handing in my diorama.

No, no, no!

16 weeks of Intermediate Psychology, and you can't classify a simple test case?

I thought at least your ears were functional, Kenarban.

I know castration complex when I see it.

I'm trying to get you to go beyond convenient labels.

To quote Blake, "To generalize is to be a fool."

Idiot. Excuse me?

Blake wrote, "To generalize is to be an idiot."

Thank you, Malcolm.

Tomorrow, people, I want progress reports on your term projects.

I have to talk to Herkabe for a second. Will you wait up?

Got gym.

Have to change... my tires.

Mr. Herkabe, you still haven't given me my term project.

I've been asking you every day for a month.

Malcolm, you make it sound like I'm trying to sabotage your impeccable grade-point average.

Please just give me something so I can get started. All right, tell you what.

Why don't you come by my office at lunch and I'll give you your assignment.

Your office?

Why is everybody so afraid of my office?

A reminder, class officer ballots can be picked up at the registrar's office.

JV basketball practice will again be held in the auxiliary gym.

Oh, and Patty Lin committed a Code Nine in the library and is hereby suspended.

I trust the stick of gum was worth it.

Ah, Malcolm. You have waited very patiently for your term project, and today your patience pays off.

Here.

What's this?

You are holding a video surveillance camera.

The lens is in the logo, and the video is transmitted via wireless signal to this digital tape recorder.

What am I supposed to do with it?

You are going to secretly conduct an in-depth case study of a deviant mind, the most deviant mind that we have at our disposal.

A mind incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, a diseased...

You're talking about my brother. Yes.

And you want me to secretly videotape him?

Around you, he'll relax, let his guard down, begin to talk about himself.

These disciplinary files reveal nothing of the real Reese.

What you're asking me to do is creepy on about a hundred different levels.

You have one week.

The newspaper is here.

The newspaper is here.

The newspaper is here.

You know those come out every day, right?

No, no, today is the day our review appears in the Lifestyle section.

Charles Cutler himself came out.

He only does the biggies.

Francis, you read it-- I'm too nervous.

"A visit to the Grotto raises many questions, "foremost among them, "how could a kind and loving God grant these monsters a hotel license?"

"From the swinish cretins

"posing as staff members up to and including

"cuisine that would embarrass an orphanage, "the Grotto is quite simply the worst hotel in the history of the world."

I'm sorry. I was so nervous, I wasn't even listening.

Start again.

Hey, have you seen Dewey anywhere?

I want to try something out on him.

No. So, uh, how are you?

Huh?

I'm just curious how you're feeling.

How the hell should I know?

Well, are you happy?

Are you sad?

Like, when you laugh, you're feeling that something's funny.

Like when I tripped Arthur Hall and his retainer went flying out of his mouth into a pile of dog crap? That was awesome.

So you think it's funny when other people get hurt?

I think it's funny when you shut up.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, they laugh at me.

People laugh at you?

Yeah, people laugh at me.

But not for long.

So, what you're saying is, when people laugh at you, it hurts, and then you want to make them hurt, too?

No. What I'm saying is, if you want to talk like a girl, go find a girl-- and take this with you.

See? It is funny. MALCOLM: Ow.

The 4400 has the dual-speed rinse cycle?

Mm-hmm. No. No, I placed my order four days ago.

I just like talking about it.

Hi, Dewey. How was school?

Good. Great.

I was definitely there.

Eight times five-- 40.

What are you...?

Hello?

Hi, honey. What have you heard?

You're kidding.

Well, who was at the meeting?

Everybody.

People have been running in and out of the boardroom all day.

No, I've just been playing Tetris.

Oop. Here he comes.

Hal.

Mr. Fortinberry.

Could you pull my jacket up over my head?

Sure.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

It's unbelievable.

The whole company is under investigation.

They used the pension fund to buy a recording studio for the CEO's girlfriend.

Oh, Hal, this is horrible.

Okay, okay. Don't worry about this.

We're going to figure this out somehow.

Hello, Gene, it's Lois.

Order 387669289-1--

I'm afraid I have to cancel.

Great.

The Flagstaff Elks just canceled their convention here.

Who can blame them?

That review was horrible.

Hey, Otto.

How's it going? We going to get out of the robe today?

Innkeeper of the Year?

Hmm.

It is the lie of the century.

Otto, what are you doing?

You worked hard for that award.

What was that, Francis?

I couldn't hear you over the crackle of my failure.

I have dreams where I sing.

Really high, like that Saturday Night Fever guy.

Okay.

Well, you were sort of asking me about, you know, stuff.

I thought you wanted to know.

I do want to know.

Is your head cold?

Mine is.

No. It's okay.

So, you were singing in this dream?

Yeah.

And there were all these clouds around me.

You like clouds?

Yeah, I like clouds.

I call them sky kittens.

This is so weird.

I've never told any of this to anyone.

It's like you're another wishing hole.

What's a wishing hole?

You don't have a wishing hole? No.

Oh, man, you got to get one.

Mine's in a tree on Jefferson Street.

You can ask your wishing hole for anything.

It never calls you stupid or perv.

My hole always keeps my wishes safe.

It's like a bank for wishes.

It's extraordinary footage.

Yeah, but I only got it by doing something totally dishonest.

I'm not doing this anymore.

What? Why would you stop now when you could go so much deeper?

He took me to his wishing hole.

Malcolm, he wants to talk to you.

Be his friend.

He trusted me, and I exploited him.

That's called being a good interviewer.

It's called being a liar. He's my brother.

I'm not giving you another assignment.

Fine. I'll just make up the class in summer school.

But I quit.


There are... 50 kinds... of negative... trans... ference.

Starting with...

Well done, Stevie.

I think we can all just fill in the blanks from there.

Now, we have just enough time for one more presentation.

And our friend Malcolm is going to amaze us with a fascinating update of the Milgram Experiment.

Milgram Experiment?

Oh, something you don't know, Malcolm.

The Milgram Experiment was a lesson in the power of authority.

A subject was asked by a man in a lab coat to administer an electric shock to a third party.

Milgram proved that people will blindly follow an authority figure even if it means harming an innocent stranger.

What are you doing? In our version, the stranger will be replaced by a close family member.

And the electric shock will be replaced by devastating emotional trauma.

Let's watch.

Yeah, I like clouds.

I call them sky kittens.

It's troubling, isn't it?

How willing someone is to sell out his own brother, knowing full well that it's exactly that kind of juicy gossip that would compel each of you to run into the quad and spread this throughout the school like wildfire.

Hey, that is not...

Malcolm, I am teaching.

It's called being a liar.

He's my brother.

And I exploited him.

A liar. He's my brother.

And I exploited him. And I exploited him.

You never said you were taping me.

I never said I was taping him.

I wish Malcolm and I will be friends forever.

Breathtaking, isn't it?

Now, none of us can know if we would do that to a loved one just because a man in a proverbial lab coat asked us to.

All we can know for certain... is that Malcolm did.

Tomorrow, Katy reports on post-traumatic stress disorder in fruit flies.

Hey! You made me look like a total jerk!

You tricked me!

Tricked you? Oh, how could I, a humble school administrator making low five figures, be any match for the great and powerful Malcolm?

Never underestimate your adversary!

You may consider yourself my moral and intellectual superior, but this has clearly proven you are neither.

We played the game and I won.

Well, it looks as if neither of us is going anywhere for a while.

Perhaps I said some things that you may have taken the wrong way.

Anyway, I bought you something.

Name-brand fabric softener.

Oh, look at this.

Our chief financial officer had his dog on the board of directors.

I had to cc him on every memo.

Mom, Dad, I have a question about school.

Let's say you're making a lot of money.

I mean, so much money that the idea of going to school is...

You have to go to school.

But what if you're already making, like, $400 or $500 a week?

Yeah, Dewey, you start making $400 or $500 a week, you can quit school.

Okay.

This is an official apology.

I'm a terrible person and I'm sorry.

What I did was horrible even by our standards.

And let's face it, we've set the bar pretty low.

Look, I'm begging you.

Tell me what I can do to fix it, anything.

Just, just say it and I'll do it.

Sure.

Fly backwards around the Earth like Superman and turn back time to before I thought we liked each other.

I still can't believe you convinced the newspaper to give us another review.

Honey, you of all people know how persuasive I can be.

You cried.

Like a baby.

He is here!

Everyone, act normal!

Welcome to the Grotto.

Ah, the Grotto.

Upon entering, one wonders which of the five senses is most brutally violated.

Did you have a nice drive up?

Sight and smell immediately burst into the lead as the obsequious innkeeper offers his sweaty slab of a hand like a bear taught to be friendly in hopes of a sugar cube.

Mr. Cutler, if you would just give us a chance...

And the pleading vultures immediately begin to circle.

Their outlet mall attire creating such a vortex of misery that one loses the strength to even ask for a parking validation.

I'll take that for you, sir.

In a pathetic nod to diversity, they trot out the token native employee.

Uh, that's my wife.

Not content to merely ruin the vacations of a single generation, some of the employees decide to mate and breed.

The mind reels, the thought of an endless stream of baboon-like hoteliers spewed out of the loins of the...

Otto, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened.

It was like someone else was punching him.

Yeah, it was me.

Here's some of his hair if you need to put it on ice or something.

One recalls fiercer butt-kickings meted out on a preschool playground.

The wounds are superficial, the bruising patterns unpersuasive.

And never before has one seen such a grotesque ceiling.

And frankly, blue is not your...

Hey, there's Mr. Curtis!

See, he's using Pete the muffin guy as a human shield.

Come on.

There's just a pair of socks in there.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God!

Look at all this money.

Hal, when did you hide this in here?

I don't remember.

It must have been years ago.

Is this my Jet Ski fund?

No, no. We used that to get the remote control out of Reese.

There's got to be like a thousand dollars!

$1,473.

Who cares what it's from!

Thank God it's here!

You're a part of this moment, son.

Here, buy yourself a pack of baseball cards.

Ow!

Why'd you do that?

Why you do that?!

Fight, fight, fight!

Fight, fight, fight!

Animals.

Hello, North High students. This is Malcolm.

You all know the horrible thing I did to my brother Reese.

And I'd like to publicly apologize for turning him into a laughingstock.

I should never have exposed his secrets.

And I can't turn back time.

I can, however, level the playing field.

I have been having impure thoughts about Shirley the lunch lady.

Last month, I caught a glimpse of her cleavage and I've been fantasizing about her ever since.

And now that I've admitted that, I'm just as big a laughingstock as he is.

Unfortunately, that doesn't protect him from the rest of the school.

So I'm forced to bring everyone down to our level.

Let's take a look at everyone's permanent records.

First up, David Abernathy.

He wasn't on a construction crew this summer.

He was in theater camp.

Cheryl Adams is excused from gym this week because her herpes is flaring up.

Charlie Agnew wets his bed every night during finals.

Leslie Albert forged her parents' signatures to get a nose job.

Well, Mr. Zyzyx, I'd say we have a half an hour to erase everything on your hard drive.

James Allen...

James Allen, he likes to eat his...

What's all this?

Did you see the paper! It is wonderful!

He actually gave us a good review?

There is no review.

They bumped it for a much more interesting story.

"Crazed local attacks reviewer"?

But what's with all the flowers?

They are thank-yous from restaurants and hotels and art galleries.

Charles Cutler is the most hated man in the state.

And look at these room reservations.

Other hotels have sent us their overflow.

We are booked solid through May.

I can't believe this guy.

He actually reviewed the hospital.

Oh, yeah, it sounds terrible.

I'm never going there.

If you overload it, you'll burn out the motor.

You're only supposed to use two caps of...

Aw, just let me do it.

Well, I served my three weeks suspension, and I got to say things have really changed.

I think I might have created the most polite high school in America.

For the most part.

Hey, plagiarizer.

Hey, pukes-after-she-eats.

Hey, dad-had-a-breakdown- 'cause-mom-went-lesbian.

He actually has an amazing memory for this kind of stuff.