Malcolm in the Middle S5E6 Script

Malcolm's Job (2003)

Oh, right.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

There. That's it.

I made your bed every day for a year.

Wow. Congratulations. I can't believe you actually did it.

According to our deal, that means from now on I get to sleep in this bed.

That wasn't exactly our deal, Dewey.

Yes, it was. You promised that if I did it, I'd get the bed every day after that.

Right. Every day, but I still get it at night.

That's not fair!

I don't know, Dewey.

His case sounds pretty solid to me.

Oh, and, Dewey, I don't want to ruin it by being too specific, but something you wear now has some kind of creature in it.

Jamie's making such strides.

He's so in touch with his emotions.

I wish I could be more like that and just cry for hours and hours.

Oh, here's the flyer for the "daddy and child" class I'll be teaching at the rec center.

Polly, this is the fifth flyer you've given me.

I'm sorry, I was just so excited.

It was such a revelation to me that I should be teaching.

I've always tried to follow my bliss, but up until now my blisses have turned out to be treacherous and self-destructive.

Can't wait.

Do I really have to...

Yes, Hal.

Boys, I wanted to talk to you.

I've got some good news. I've been thinking.

You're both growing up.

You're showing a lot more maturity these days.

I think you've earned the right to a little bit more independence.

We're getting a car!

You're both getting jobs.

What? What?

Malcolm, I talked to the manager of the Lucky Aide this morning.

You start there tomorrow.

You want me to work at your store? With you?

Yes. Reese-- since you've been mentioned six times by name in the security handbook, you have to look for a job somewhere else, but I want you in a paper hat by the end of the week.

Please don't do this to me.

Just let me find my own job.

Malcolm, it's already done.

I had to call in a lot of favors with Mr. Young for you.

You are not going to make me look bad by not honoring your commitments.

How is it my commitment?!

Because I'm your mother and you're doing it. That's final.

I was thinking there's a lot of germs flying around.

Dad, Mom has this stupid idea about working...

Huh! Huh! Huh! That's enough!

You boys heard your mother.

We have always said you have to concentrate on your schoolwork before wasting your time on dead-end jobs.

You have got your whole life to work and only one chance to learn.

I told them to get jobs, Hal.

The value of hard work.

Money doesn't grow on trees.

The sooner you two kids have jobs, the better.

My first paycheck, I'm buying this house and kicking them out.

As we emerge from the cocoon of self-doubt... reaching for unconditional affirmation... defeating our inner critics.

And rest.

See, daddies can be just as good mommies as mommies.

Oh! I have to make a quick phone call to the parole officer.

Oh, don't worry, it's not about me.

It's about one of my dads, but while I'm gone, why don't you do that "baby-ssage" thing I showed you.

You know, babies feel stress, too.

Man, I'm so bored I can feel my own hair growing.

Maybe I should wait a couple years to bond with Jamie.

It's got to be easier when he can do more than just burble and sit up.

Your baby can sit up?

For how long?

I don't know. Ten seconds?

My baby can sit up for 20.

Jasmine can do it for 30.

Oh, yeah?

Do it, Jamie. Come on, buddy, you can do it!

Do it for Daddy.

Do it for Daddy.

Stay up. Stay up. Stay up.

One more. One more.

Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

Come on, baby, you can...

Yes! Way to go, Jamie.

I think this belongs to me.

Hello, you've reached The Grotto. Please hold.

Hello, you've reached The Grotto. Please hold.

Hello, you've reached The Grotto.

You are a terrible brother!

Dewey? Malcolm and Reese do nothing but torture me all day long.

My life is horrible and it's not fair!

Dewey, you're not making any sense.

You were nice to Malcolm and Reese but then you got kicked out before I was even old enough to know what was going on.

So they got to have a good big brother and all I got was them.

Look, I'm sorry, okay, I just, I don't live there anymore.

I don't care!

You have to make this up to me. I deserve a good big brother, too.

Dewey, I know this is really important to you, but I just don't have the time right now, so I'll call you in a couple days, okay?

No, do not hang up on me.

Don't you look handsome? My little working man's first day on the job.

Do not do anything to mess this up.

Our whole family needs me to have this job.

Don't worry, Mom, if it will save the family, I won't stack the toilet paper sideways.

Those kinds of wisenheimer remarks are exactly what I'm talking about. Now go.

You don't want to be late for the training session.

Hello, I'm Dale Young, district supervisor.

Now, we're going to have a lot of Lucky Aide fun today, but there's also a lot for our new trainees to learn.

Not to mention our employees who need a little refresher.

What is this, Feldspar-- the fifth time?

We can call it that.

You leave the store unlocked one night, it's like the sky fell in.

Mr. Feldspar, I'm sure you don't want to get your fellow trainee in trouble.

You must be Malcolm, Lois' boy.

Hey, tell me, is Beans as much fun at home as she is at work?

Who? Hey, Dave, can you picture Beans having kids?

Beans?

Now, we're gonna start with a little instructional video, and then I hope everyone has their role-playing hats on.

Lucky Aide--

It's another word for "family," and like family, we all pull in the same direction, toward the same goal, from the lowliest stock boy... to the district managers... all the way up to the president.

Was that...?

We're proud of our 95% employee retention rate.

You may think you're just starting a job, but when you join the Lucky Aide family, you're here for life.

Mr. Young said you did great in training.

Well, what can I say, Beans?

Oh, I'm sorry, Beans.

Did I say something wrong, Beans?

Now, I went to a lot of trouble to make sure you could work with Albert.

He really knows what he's doing.

You're gonna learn a lot from him.

Hey, Albert!

This is my son, Malcolm.

Nah, that can't be your son.

He ain't beautiful enough.

Did she just giggle?

Okay, now.

Those are empty boxes.

Yes. They are.

Good. Now, what you do is you take them in the freight elevator to the basement to the box-flattening area.

You flatten the boxes, then take them back up the elevator, go out by the loading dock and throw them in the Dumpster.

I figure, it's about six or seven trips.

Shouldn't take you more than two hours.

That Dumpster right over there?

Yes.

If I flatten them here, I can be done in, like, 20 minutes.

You take them in the freight elevator to the basement to the box-flattening area.

No, I got it. I was just wondering if...

I understand.

So I broke down the boxes right next to the Dumpster and saved so much time I was able to sweep out the stock room and do a whole week's worth of returns.

That's great. Sounds like you had a good first day.

So, what part of "box-flattening area" don't you understand?

Huh?

You were seen flattening boxes outside of the designated box-flattening area.

I thought I made myself clear.

Why even have a box-flattening area if you don't flatten the boxes there?

But it only took me 20 minutes, so I was able to... Mom.

Albert, I'm sorry.

I'll write him up.

What? But you just said that...

You're supposed to do as you're told.

Thanks for taking the heat off me.

I forgot my shoes again.

This is ridiculous! You're being completely arbitrary and asinine.

One minute you're telling me I'm doing a great job, and the next minute you're writing me up!

You broke the rules, Malcolm.

Come on, that box-flattening area is a stupid rule.

You know I'm right.

Albert is a grade-five employee.

He has put in 20 years of service time.

Sometimes that's more important than what's right or wrong.

Who are you?

Stop being so melodramatic.

No, seriously, I want to know.

Because the mother I know has spent her entire life ranting about always doing the right thing, no matter what the cost, no matter how unpopular it is, and now you're standing here getting all caught up in who's a grade five and blindly obeying authority.

Honestly, Malcolm, where'd you get the idea that a job is supposed to be fun?

That's not what I'm talking about!

The truth is, work is hard and miserable and nobody likes doing it.

I have the greatest job in the world!

You got a job?

Yeah, with Hygienic Meat Packing.

All I do all day is cut meat.

With knives and saws.

There's blood everywhere and there's all these guys swearing in Spanish, and they pay me 12 bucks an hour!

12 bucks an hour? I only make $5.50.

Actually, with the write-up, you're bumped down to $3.75.

Now you better go finish your homework.

Dinner's in a half an hour.

I am so proud of you guys.

You're so open to connecting with your babies.

If my dads were like you, I'm sure I wouldn't have slept with so many men in college.

See you next class.

We can't wait.

Okay, I've got Jamie to win and Kevin to show.

Jamie's diaper...

Two pounds. Yes!

Dakota...

Two and a quarter pounds. Yes.

Jasmine...

Four pounds?

Man, that's unholy.

I am so sorry I was ever disappointed you were born a girl.

Reese, this meat is delicious. Thank you.

Malcolm, would you like another piece?

I don't think I'm authorized to make that decision.

Maybe we should ask a grade-five employee.

Hey, I'm a grade-five employee.

Wow. How do they get the meat this tender?

Well, that's the thing about veal.

Imagine if you took Jamie and put him in a little box where he would never see daylight.

You don't let him move so his muscles don't get all tough.

He's basically blind and you force-feed him nothing but milk.

That's what makes him taste so good.

Hal, how did Jamie do in class today?

Fine. I guess.

For a kid who can't fill a diaper.

This is strange. Why would we have so many leftovers?

You hung up on me!

What are you doing here? I told you.

I can't handle Reese and Malcolm anymore.

I need a good big brother before it's too late!

I'm like one wedgie away from an eating disorder.

You're here by yourself?

Francis, please, all I want is a few minutes of someone being nice to me.

Is that really such a big thing for a kid my age to ask?

Dad, Dad, Dad, calm down. He's fine.

I have the day off Saturday.

I'll bring him home then.

You gotta give him credit, you know.

He got to the ranch all by himself.

The first time you tried, you ended up in Mexico.

Of course, I'd be happy to carry your bags outside.

We wouldn't want you to get all hot and sweaty out in the blaring heat of the parking lot.

Malcolm. You're not scheduled for today.

I'm just looking for my mom.

She's out back on her break.

Last night, Mom accused me of being obsessive about getting written up.

So I stayed up all last night thinking up a bunch of comebacks, and I even have potential comebacks to every possible comeback of hers. There is no way she...

You're smoking?!

After all the times you lectured us?

After telling us if we smoked, you would kill us before the cancer did?!

After you would push Francis' lit cigarettes back in his mouth and make him swallow?! And you smoke?!

You smoke?!

Look, it's not what you think.

When I work, I have two cigarettes-- one on my morning break, one in the afternoon.

No more, no less.

Who are you?!

You have to stop saying that.

I will quit eventually, but until then, the only thing that's stopping your father from smoking six packs a day is knowing that we quit together.

But you didn't quit.

But he knows I did.

But you didn't!

He knows I did.

You lie and you smoke.

Oh, for God's sake, Malcolm.

Lois, Lois, I just remembered you were holding my lit cigarette in your hand, and I wanted to thank you for holding on to my cigarettes... which are mine.

He knows. Okay.

I think I left my register open.

Okay, Malcolm, you caught me.

This has to be kept secret.

So I'm going to ask you for a favor.

A favor?

You're asking me for a favor after you totally hung me out to dry.

I'm just asking for a little flexibility.

Please.

For your father and for me, just keep the smoking to yourself.

Please.

Yeah, okay.

Wow, she's talking to me like a human being.

This can't get any weirder.

Thank you, Malcolm.

Yes, it can.

I can't believe I used to think that taking care of the baby was a chore.

This class has really opened my eyes.

Time.

Aiden wins again.

I knew I shouldn't let you have that cracker.

I'll pay you next class.

I got to go.

You're not going to stick around for the suction contest?

Will you take a watch?

Don't get too down about this probation thing.

This job is mostly a beauty pageant.

You know what's weird?

You get used to thinking of a person as being so much more powerful than you, then something shifts and it becomes kind of awkward.

Oh, my God, are you my boss now?! What?

This is so unfair.

Year after year, why can't...

It's nice to see one of the good guys win.

Why don't you take a load off.

I'll go get you a cup of joe.

No worries, chief.

Whoa.

Malcolm.

It's not what it looks like.

Lois, sorry, are you in there?

I'll explain later.

I know exactly what this looks like to you, but I'm asking you for a little flexibility.

Trust me.

Lois, where's the...?

What's going on here?

Well, I'll have to write Malcolm up again.

He's flattened another box outside of the box flattening area.

The guys at work are great.

I already have a nickname-- Ten Fingers.

The old Ten Fingers wasn't using it anymore.

I'm proud of you, son.

You're working now.

I feel like I could talk to you, man to man.

You know, about grown up things-- expenses... cheaters...

Can I borrow some money from you?

Yeah. How much do you need?

Uh... how much do you have?

Why don't you just tell me how much you need.

100... 2... and another 100.

You might want to rinse off the bills in cold water.

They stick together.

It was so cool when that guy at the truck stop blew the smoke ring out of the hole in his throat.

That was fun, wasn't it?

How come you're the only good one in the family?

Why didn't any of it rub off on Reese or Malcolm?

Dewey, would you cut it out?

No, I mean it. You're such a good brother.

I'll bet they didn't even appreciate it.

Dewey! I was never like this with Reese and Malcolm.

I treated them like crap.

Way worse than they treat you.

That's impossible.

I tortured them all the time. I beat them up, I took their stuff, I locked them in closets.

You know that scar on Reese's back?

That's from a bayonet.

Where did I even get a bayonet?!

But you couldn't have.

The way they talk about you... They love you so much.

Dewey, let me let you in on a little secret.

Sometimes people love people for no reason.

Like Whoopi Goldberg.

Hmm.

It's even weirder with brothers.

So you're saying...

I'm the only one you were ever nice to?

Pretty much.

You know, you have a real opportunity here.

You can break the cycle.

You can be a good brother to Jamie.

You can be the one kid in this family who takes care of the younger one and looks out for him.

How is that fair?

Yeah, you're right.

Trying to impress the cool kids?

Hey, Malcolm. Good news.

The head of security told me that the surveillance cameras proved you didn't flatten that box on purpose.

You're also using too much soap in the bathroom.

Anyway, you're off probation.

Wow, thanks for going to the mat for me.

What is your problem?

My problem is, I have no idea who you are.

I thought I had this mother that was abrupt and short-tempered and rude, but who at least would stand up for what's right.

That's not who you are.

I did something nice for you, and you act like it didn't even happen.

You did something nice for me because it was the right thing to do.

I'm simply making you obey rules because I'm your mother.

That's not fair.

If this favor thing doesn't work both ways, then why am I keeping a big secret for you?

Why shouldn't I just tell Dad?

You're not going to tell your father.

How do you know?

Because, Malcolm, that's not who you are.

Why do you do this to me?

Malcolm, I know this is hard for you.

You're growing up.

You're sick of living under my authority.

You want me to cut you some slack.

You're wondering when I'll finally see you as an adult.

Well... that's never going to happen.

That's just not the way it works.

You can move away from home, you can get married, even have kids of your own, you can even become a professor of physics at MIT.

I will always be your mother.

And that's just the way it is until one of us dies.

You want to put your head between your knees for a few seconds?

No, I'm okay.

Look... will you please just give me one thing?

Please stop smoking.

I already quit.

Are you lying?

Of course not.

Okay, Jamie.

It all comes down to this.

Just do it like we practiced in the garage.

Go, go, go.

We've got the whole family together.

We should celebrate with a nice dinner at...

Pay up, suckers!

You treated your babies like they were made of glass, and now you suffer.

What are you waiting for?

I want to remember that goofy smile.

Nobody's going to be seeing that for a long time.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Look at me! Whoo-hoo!