Malcolm in the Middle S5E7 Script

Christmas Trees (2003)

Oh, honey, I can't do any more tonight.

Let's just leave the mess and get some sleep, huh?

Wait a minute, we bought ten presents.

Yeah?

Why are there 11 packages?

Oh, my God.

Oh... we would have figured it out before we mailed it, right?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Don't move.

Ow! Did you get it?

Get what?

It's three weeks till Christmas, and Reese is holding off hitting Dewey till after the holidays.

Well, guess what?

I got two weeks forced vacation without pay.

What?! Thanks to the company's trouble with the government, they sent everybody home till the new year.

We think it's just so the board members can shred documents in peace.

Two weeks without pay? At Christmas?!

That means no presents.

December 2.

Refused to eat booger sandwich.

I know this is coming at a bad time, but I think I have a plan that'll make us enough money to get through this.

I'm going to sell Christmas trees.

What? In college, I sold Christmas trees every December with my roommate Victor.

I thought he sold illegal cable boxes.

To pay for the Christmas trees.

We made a killing.

Look, I've already talked to a supplier.

We have enough to buy 130 trees at 15 bucks apiece.

Oh, and Ed from the office is letting me use his vacant lot for free.

Really?

If we sell them at six bucks a foot-- that's an average of $45 a tree-- Lois, we can net over $2,600.

Well, if you think it'll work.

Hey, Reese and I have some money saved up.

If we go in on this, we can get 200 trees.

We'd make $4,000.

You'd put your own money in?

Sure. I was going to invest mine with this Nigerian General who's been sending me e-mails, but, hey, this is family.

Really?

You boys would actually go into business with your old man?

I never dreamed anything like this would be possible.

Dad... When I was a kid, I begged my dad to go into business with me a bunch of times, but he never answered the intercom.

And now you boys want to go into business with me.

It'll be like a Korean grocery store!

You know, Dewey, you've got $20 in your piggy bank.

I think they've got it covered, Mom.

All right. I'm in.

It's gonna be weird not being with our families on Christmas.

I know. It feels... great!

It's like all the ugliness and turmoil you always associate with Christmas is gone.

My family! They are finally here!

All the way from Stuttgart!

"Don't pack your heavy clothes.

It's not cold in the desert."

I'm freezing off my ass!

Stop whining! I already have two children; I don't need a third!

Oh, come on, you two.

You're here now. Just enjoy.

Oh, I forgot.

Everything has to be perfect with Gretchen.

Don't you raise your voice to Gretchen.

Anyone who is not an alcoholic, you accuse of being a perfectionist.

Hal and Sons.

That means you, too, Jamie.

I know it's just a crappy wooden sign, but... boys, I want you to know that this is the greatest day of my life.

I'm so happy and proud of each and every one of you, and I just want to make sure that you don't screw this up.

We will have so many precious memories together, as long as you don't give in to your worst instincts and do something really stupid.

I just love you so much, and I want to keep loving you.

Dad, stop worrying. We can do this.

With what we spent on trees and truck rental, we'll be in profit once we sell tree 67.

Then let's just sell that tree first.

What are those tools for?

Let me show you.

These are for setting up the trees.

First you use the radial saw to cut an inch off the bottom of the trunk.

Then you use this nail gun to stick the tree stand...

Again, I am so proud of you boys and I don't want to lose this feeling.

I don't know why you won't let me help you with that, Lois.

Craig, please, I really don't want you to.

Why not?

Because every time you come in contact with me and my family, something horrible happens to you.

I can't deal with the guilt anymore.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on, if it weren't for us, you'd still have all your teeth; you wouldn't flinch every time you saw a ceiling fan; your car, it never would have been filled with bees.

Coincidences.

Craig, you broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.

Please, Lois, it's Christmas.

Here.

Maybe you can fluff up the cotton on Santa's beard.

Thank you.

Ow! Oh!

Well, I wish I could say I was surprised.

Okay. You're all set.

Mister, is this tree dead?

Well, of course not.

We made sure we cut a fresh wound in the bottom of your tree so it could suck up water.

That way, your tree is suspended in a netherworld between life and death, just waiting for you to open your presents.

How many trees have we sold?

Fifteen. Fifteen?

We're not anywhere close to tree 67.

I don't get it.

We're in a good location.

We've got great looking trees.

Excuse me. Hmm?

How much are your trees?

Six dollars a foot.

Ah. What?

Well, St. Mark's Church around the corner marked their trees down to five dollars a foot, but they've got such long lines, I thought I'd try you guys.

You believe that church trying to undersell us?

You don't see us offering Mass at half price.

Why don't we lower the price on our trees?

Like, down to, I don't know, $4.50 a foot?

Then we average $31 a tree, and we still net... $3,457.

We'll be profitable by-- hang on-- tree 91.

Tree 91?

Tree 91.

Sir! Sir!

Right this way.

We've got a really nice...

It's customary to tie the tree to the roof.

It's customary to tip the guy who tied it.

All right!

That was tree 79!

We're very close!

Boys, I love all of you.

But this kid...

It's just a tiny bite, right?

He's going to be okay?

Oh, absolutely.

Of course, he'll have to get rabies shots. Shots?

Five injections, right in the belly.

I had to get them when I was bitten by a skunk a few years ago.

When they shoved that first four-inch needle into my stomach, I felt like I'd been shot in the gut.

By the time they pulled the last needle out, I was on the floor, clutching a chair leg and crying like a baby.

Navy Seals trained me to deal with pain, but... nothing like that.

Well, you can always try to catch the squirrel and bring it to Animal Control.

If they can confirm it doesn't have rabies, you could avoid the shots.

No, I'll have to take the shots.

Otherwise Lois can't prove her point.

Craig, listen to me.

I am making you this vow:

I am going to find that squirrel and take it to Animal Control and prove it doesn't have rabies, so you do not have to get those shots.

You are not going to suffer ever again for having known me.

Understand?

You're on my foot.

Oh. Sorry.

They're still at it?

Yeah. It's fascinating.

I've had the same argument a million times with my mom.

Right now she's gonna say, "Don't take that tone with me," and then he's gonna start screaming.

Now the father figure tries to make peace.

And he gets his head chopped off.

Oh, this is a good one.

Jumping into someone else's argument to settle an old score.

They're like a primitive version of my family.

Take one step to your left.

Why?

Spooky.

Okay, you're getting seven dollars change, right?

One and two and five.

I hide the big bills where no one's gonna go after them.

I'll help you with that.

Okay, that is, uh, tree 89!

Boys, we are so close, I can taste it!

You the guys trying to muscle in on the blessed church?

I'm sorry, what'd you say?

We're from St. Mark's around the corner.

You're underselling us, and we don't like it.

So it's going to stop.

We want you to close down your lot and leave. Now.

During this holy season, it's best to give our Heavenly Savior what he wants.

It might interest you to know that you're dealing with a bunch of godless heathens.

Take your ghost stories somewhere else.

We'll give you 20 minutes to clear out, then we take matters into our own hands.

What's that supposed to mean?

Don't worry about it, Dad.

They're priests. What are they gonna do?

Just get in the car and lock the doors!

Spare change, mister?

Hey, mister! Come on!

Does this look infected to you?

Excuse me, this is my tree.

I already marked it, if you know what I mean.

Wha...! Wait, no!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Father McKlusky sends his regards.

What are you talking about?

He dropped by the soup kitchen and he suggested we come down here and share the magic.

Cute kid.

You want some homemade candy?

Dad, everyone's leaving!

Look... whatever St. Mark's is giving you, we'll double it!

You can double eternal salvation?

Yes, I can.

You're funny.

So, you sell Christmas trees?

I used to sell Christmas trees.

Any luck?

What do you think?

No one's gonna let us set up our trees.

Unbelievable.

You'd think a cemetery would be up for anything that would lighten the mood.

Hey, why don't we just drive around and sell the trees out of the back of the truck?

Of course, we have to factor in the price of gas.

Let's see, six miles a gallon, with gas selling at two...

Malcolm, why don't you give the genius thing a rest for a while?

We were so close.

89 trees.

Just two trees away from being profitable.

Story of my life.

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I'm always two trees away.

We should just sell them out of our yard.

Reese, this is a serious problem.

Would you please just...?

Oh, my God.

That wasn't stupid.

Reese, your love for your father has focused your mind like a laser!

Give him the hat.

People, there is a squirrel somewhere in the store.

He's very agile, elusive, and possibly rabid, but we will catch him.

We have to.

I've got a bad feeling about this, Lois.

It's been too quiet for too long.

He's planning something.

Yes, well, I brought in reinforcements, Ethan.

Thanks for helping, guys.

No problem.

Our last job finished early, so we had some time on our hands.

All right then. Let's do this thing!

♪ ♪


You people are so great!

I'm sorry I ate all your lunches in the fridge!

You're out there.

I know you're out there.

Aisle 12! He's heading for the register!

Don't let it get away!

He's over there!

Wait, he's headed for the front door!

Watch out, he's got murder in his eyes!

And a cute, fluffy tail.

Checkmate, chipmunk.

And three makes ten.

Feliz Navidad.

So, at $3.50 a foot, the profit tree is...

112. 112 is the profit tree.

Say it with me, boys.

"112 is the profit tree."

Hal?

Oh, hey, Phil. Merry Christmas.

What the hell are you doing here?

You don't have a permit to do this.

Get these trees off your yard.

Phil, please. I...

Look, I know this seems a little unusual, but I'm in kind of a jam.

I was laid off, and I'm out of money.

Come on, it's Christmas.

I don't care.

I hate you, and I always have.

Phil, why don't you take a tree?

On the house.

Here.

You're giving me this?

I'll even flock it if you want.

No, no. That's okay.

So, we have an understanding here?

Yeah. We have an understanding.

You're gonna have to get these trees out of here.

We received a complaint, and you don't have a permit.

And he has too many garbage cans.

That's a fineable offense, isn't it?

He can't complain. I bribed him with a tree!

Sir, you can't have a business in your front yard without a permit.

Officer, we've sunk all our money into this.

We've just got to sell one more tree to break even.

That's all I'm asking. One tree.

Just let me sell one tree.

Have you got a tree?

Coming through.

You.

I was never at that dog show!

And where would a high school kid get a spear gun, anyway?

This is your son? Uh...

Well, it depends on what you mean by "son."

You got half an hour to get every single one of these trees out of your yard.

But we lost our truck!

We don't have any place to take them.

That's not my problem.

You get them out, or you'll be spending Christmas in a jail cell.

I can't take this.

The yelling, the screaming...

It's making me feel so... homesick.

Me, too.

My mom used to grab my dad's throat like that.

I disown all of you!

All of you!

I never thought I would feel ashamed of being German.

Huh. See? Huh?

They're all gone.

Are you happy now?

Just remember, I'll be patrolling this block every 15 minutes.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

I want you to buy me out.

No, Dewey, this is just a temporary setback.

If you believe that, then buy me out.

It's over, Dad.

Over?

We're only one tree away!

Dad, we can't get the truck back.

We can't use the front lawn.

The cops are watching us.

Face it, we've lost.

So you're just going to let a little reality stop you, is that it?

Boys, let me tell you something.

The only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial.

If I was going to let myself get beaten by failure, I would've quit after one kid.

You just got to keep holding out for a miracle.

And if a miracle isn't going to come at Christmas, then when is it going to come?!

See?! There it is!

Our Christmas miracle! I knew it!

Hi.

My kid found this cat. Is it yours?

No. Would you like to buy a Christmas tree for ten dollars?

No, we already have a tree.

You got to help me out.

I just yanked my boys back from the brink of despair and convinced them that life was worth living.

If you walk away without handing me ten dollars, then their futures aren't worth a damn.

Now, I desperately need to teach them the value of perseverance, and you can help me.

I don't think...

I'll lick your shoes.

Have you ever actually seen someone do that? I haven't.

That's got to be worth ten dollars. I'll even...

Here, take the money.

Take it as far as the sidewalk.

Pleasure doing business with you, sir.

See what happens when you believe, boys?

We are profitable!

I'm just going to stop and get Dewey's hamster cage.

That squirrel is chewing through the box.

Do they really have to kill him to find out if he has rabies?

Do you want the shots?

Wait for me in heaven.

Oh, my God!

Honey, is that you?

What is going on here?

Good news. We did it!

We made a profit.

Really? How much?

Numbers aren't important.

A profit is a profit.

Hey, look, a squirrel.

What?

There he goes!

Squirrel. Gone.

Craig, we will catch him.

All right, here's the deal.

This time, it's ten bucks each and one item from the medicine cabinet.

It's gonna be tricky, fellas.

We're on his turf now.

Thanks for spending Christmas with my relatives.

And next year we'll do my family.

Marriage is all about compromise.

You think this house is a pigsty?

There, now it's a pigsty!

Oh, you're real brave when I don't have my leg strapped on!

They're having all the fun. We should get in there.

Let's do it.

You know, I feel bad for Gretchen and Otto.

I hope I didn't make things worse.

Thank you for taking us in.

It is nice being with a family that gets along.

Boy, you guys really gone out for this Christmas.

It's even Christmas in the bathroom!

As Christmases go, this one was pretty good-- nothing on fire, no arrests, and, hell, we even made a profit.