Mame (1974) Script

"I, Edward Dennis, of 352 Lakeshore Drive, "Chicago, Illinois, "in case of my death, do hereby bequeath

"all of my worldly possessions

"to my only child, Patrick.

"Should I die before the boy reaches 18 years of age, "I appoint my sister, Mame Dennis, "of 3 Beekman Place, New York City, "as Patrick's guardian.

"He is to be reared as a Protestant...

I'm sorry.

"...and sent to conservative schools.

"All cash and securities are to be handled

"by the Knickerbocker Trust Company.

"Mame will be the first to see the wisdom of this.

"She is to submit monthly bills for my son's food, "lodging, clothing, and education.

"The trust company will have every right to question any item

"that seems unusual or eccentric.

"Mame will know what I mean."

♪ Saint Bridget ♪

♪ Deliver us to Beekman Place ♪

♪ Away from the wicked ♪

♪ And depraved ♪

♪ Your dear aunt is peeping ♪

♪ Through the curtain lace ♪

♪ Calling, "Come ye inside ♪

♪ Where you'll be saved" ♪

♪ For although Manhattan

♪ May be warped and wild ♪

♪ There's safety In Auntie Mame's embrace ♪

♪ So if you have pity ♪

♪ On this helpless child ♪

♪ God love you Dear Saint Bridget ♪

♪ Deliver us to ♪

♪ Beekman Place ♪

Is Miss Dennis at home?

Come in, come in. Come, come.

Hurry up. Hurry up.

The agency told me you are to be here two hours ago. What happened?

Never mind. Just follow me.

By the way, they didn't say anything about a kid.

Just keep him away from the booze and don't let him break anything.

In here.

Mame, what the hell are we celebrating?

A holiday.

One I just invented.

The moon is full, the gin's in the bathtub, and all of my dearest friends are here.

Even the ones I haven't met yet.

♪ Light the candles ♪

♪ Get the ice out ♪

♪ Roll the rug up ♪

♪ It's today ♪

♪ Though it may not be Anyone's birthday ♪

♪ And though it's far From the first of the year ♪

♪ I know that this very minute Has history in it ♪

♪ We're here ♪

♪ It's a time for ♪

♪ Makin' merry ♪

♪ And so I'm for ♪

♪ Makin' hay ♪

♪ Tune the grand up ♪

♪ Dance your shoes off ♪

♪ Strike the band up ♪

♪ It's today ♪

♪ And we're livin' ♪

♪ And we're well, gang ♪

♪ So raise hell, gang ♪

♪ While we may ♪

♪ Call the cops out ♪

♪ Raise a racket ♪

♪ Pull the stops out ♪

♪ Pull out the stops ♪

♪ It's today ♪

♪ Light the candles ♪

♪ JFill the punch bowl ♪

♪ Throw confetti ♪

♪ It's today ♪

♪ Life can also be lived On a weekday ♪

♪ So don't depend On a holiday date ♪

♪ If you need New Year's to bubble ♪

♪ Then order a double and wait ♪

♪ Doo-doo doo-doo-doo Doo-doo doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ There's a thank you ♪

♪ You can give life ♪

♪ If you live life ♪

♪ All the way ♪

♪ Pour the Scotch out ♪

♪ Hold the roof down ♪

♪ Fellas watch out ♪

♪ It's today ♪

If anyone here is your Auntie Mame, it's better you never know.

♪ It's a time for ♪

♪ Makin' merry ♪

♪ And so I'm for ♪

♪ Makin' hay ♪

♪ Tune the grand up Call the cops out ♪

♪ Strike the band up Pull the stops out ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ It's today ♪

May I slide down the banister?

Well, why not?

My father never let me.

Well, now, that's too bad.

You must come from a dreadful family.

I only have one relative in the whole world.

Oh, really, dear? And who is that?


That's right.

Who are you?

Agnes Gooch.

But that's impossible.

You're not coming until tomorrow.

Your telegram clearly said December 1st.

And this is November 31st.

And everyone knows 30 days has September, April, June and No...

Oh, my God.

I'm your Auntie Mame.

Listen, everyone.

Listen, everyone.

Everyone, listen to me, please, shh!

Everyone, listen to me, please.

This is my little boy.

My little boy.

What'd she say?

Actually, he isn't mine.

He's my brother's son from Chicago, my poor late brother.

This little tyke, in the whole wide world, I'm his only living relative.

And he's my only living relative.

That's all we have, just each other, my little love.

What's your name again?

Patrick. Patrick Dennis.

Patrick, yes.

Would you like a martini?

How about some caviar?

Oh, yes, darling, you must be famished.

Patrick, I'd like you to meet Fred Kates, my wizard of Wall Street.

He's the only man I know who invests with any real flair.

Oh, and I'd like you to meet Ralph Divine.

Hello, young person.

The most controversial headmaster in New York, and we both disagree violently with the Board of Education.

Come along, darling.

Hello there, young man.

This is Judge Bregoff.

He just freed the Hatchet Killer.

Vera, darling!

Patrick, this is Vera Charles, the first lady of the American theater.

And your Auntie Mame's dearest friend.

She just loves little boys.


Have you noticed you're very handsome?

I guess it runs in the family.

So are you.

Listen, everyone. Listen.

This is a holiday.

It's Patrick's Day.

My Patrick's day.

♪ Light the sparklers ♪

♪ Crash the cymbals ♪

♪ Blow the bugle ♪

♪ It's today ♪

♪ Someone gave me A wonderful present ♪

♪ A little package All shiny and new ♪

♪ So start the whistling And clapping ♪

♪ 'Cause under the wrapping ♪

♪ Was you ♪

♪ And we'll ♪

♪ Give life ♪

♪ Quite a tumble ♪

♪ And we'll live life ♪

♪ All the way ♪

♪ Call the cops out ♪

♪ Raise a racket ♪

♪ Pull the stops out ♪

♪ It's today ♪

Auntie Mame?


I wanted to show you my bugle.


Oh, yes. It's lovely, dear.


Patrick, please.

Your Auntie Mame is hung.

Oh. Oh, wait a minute.

Come... Come back, dear.

Come back.

I-I really love the bugle.

It's just that it took me a little by surprise.

Come here and give your Auntie Mame a nice kiss.

Gently, gently.

Oh, that was lovely.

My, you're going to make some lucky woman very happy someday.

Yeah, well, um... I guess you'd like to discuss school.

Well, you met Mr. Divine last night, and, uh, he's opening a new school.

It's coed and very revolutionary.

And he's absolutely au courant with everything that's going on in Vienna.

None of that dead, tired Montessori for him.

And there'll be lots of nonobjective art and eurythmics and discussion groups.

No books or anything like that.

I know you're going to love it.

It will give your libido a good shaking up.

What's libido?

Well, you'll find out about that.

And I'm sure, there'll be a lot of other words that you'll want to understand.

So why don't you just jot them down, and once a week, we'll go over them, hm?

Did you brush your teeth this morning?

That's good.

Did you sleep well?

What did you hear about me?


Oh, come on now.

Somebody must've said something about me.

Only Mr. Babcock. Who's he?

He's my trustee. Oh.

What did he have to say?

He said you were a peculiar duck.

And to be left in your hands was a fate he wouldn't wish on a dog.

That bastard.

The word, dear, is bastard.


And it means Mr. Babcock.

Oh, my God.

Someone's been sleeping in my dress.

Well, don't worry, Vera, darling.

We'll get the wrinkles out.

A fate he wouldn't wish on a dog.


Do you think it's so terrible coming to live with your Auntie Mame?

Don't answer that.

Your coming here is the best thing that ever happened to you.

I mean, look at you. You're 9 years old.

And you look like you just came from a funeral.

I did.


Well, it's over.

And we're going to make up for everything that you've missed.

In fact, you know who's going to be your teacher?

Me, the peculiar duck.

I'm gonna show you things you never dreamed existed.

Look at that.

At what? At everything.

♪ Open a new window ♪

♪ Open a new door ♪

♪ Travel a new highway ♪

♪ That's never been Tried before ♪

♪ Before you find You're a dull fellow ♪

♪ Punching the same clock ♪

♪ Walking the same tightrope As everyone on the block ♪

♪ The fellow you ought to be Is three-dimensional ♪

♪ Soaking up life ♪

♪ Down to your toes ♪

♪ Whenever they say you're Slightly unconventional ♪

♪ Just put your thumb ♪

♪ Up to your nose And show 'em how to ♪

♪ Dance to a new rhythm ♪

♪ Whistle a new song ♪

♪ Toast with a new vintage ♪

♪ The fizz doesn't fizz Too long ♪

♪ There's only one way To make the bubbles stay ♪

♪ Simply travel a new highway ♪

♪ Dance to a new rhythm ♪

♪ Whistle a new love song ♪

♪ Toast with a new vintage ♪

♪ Open a new window ♪

♪ Everyday ♪

♪ If you'll follow Your Auntie Mame ♪

♪ I'll make this vow My little love ♪

♪ That on the last day Of your life ♪

♪ You'll be smiling the same Young smile ♪

♪ You're smiling now My little love ♪

♪ If you wake up every morning ♪

♪ And you pull aside The shutter ♪

♪ And promise me That these'll be ♪

♪ The first words That you utter ♪

♪ Open a new window ♪

♪ Open a new door ♪

Mame sent me.

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Open a new window ♪

♪ Open a new door ♪

♪ Travel a new highway ♪

♪ That's never been tried Before ♪

♪ Dance to a new rhythm ♪

♪ Whistle a new song ♪

♪ Toast with a new vintage The fizz doesn't fizz too long ♪

♪ There's only one way To make the bubbles stay ♪

♪ Simply travel a new highway ♪

♪ Dance to a new rhythm ♪

♪ Open a new window ♪

♪ Everyday ♪

Will you kindly tell Miss Dennis that Mr. Babcock of the Knickerbocker Bank is here?

Miss Dennis no home. Nobody's home.

Is the boy in school? Oh, boy in school.

Where is it? Me don't know. Maybe Brooklyn.

Brooklyn? Maybe not.

Now, look here, young man...

My, what a pretty, pretty car.

Is this your pretty car?

You know, it's so refreshing to meet someone who admires beauty.

I mean, I assume you feel as I do, that this age we live in is so materialistic.

I've nothing to do. You'll never find it by yourself, so why don't I just come along and show you?

Ito, get the car out.

I personally find bankers the Renaissance men of our time.

I mean, for instance, where would Flo Ziegfield be without money?

I ask you that.

However, in Fallen Angel, all of my clothes were done by Chanel.

She said to me, "Cherie..."

She always used to call me "cherie."

Oh, driver, right here. Yeah, right up ahead.

She always called me "cherie."

"Cherie," she said, "clothes not only make the woman, clothes make the world."

Oh, she's brilliant!

Sell her own mother, but brilliant.

However, for my first entrance in my new show, the costume is so dazzling that we expect complaints from the orchestra.

It has an Empire sash of polished... pearls.

And a peekaboo bodice of aluminum sequins.


Oh, Mame, darling, have you met?

Don't tell me, don't tell me.

You must be Mr. Babcock.

But the boy enjoys it!

You call that educating a boy?

Look, Mr. Babcock, please let him stay with me.

We'll discuss another school.

Miss Gooch, pack this boy's bags immediately.

My God, you're nasty.

Mame, I've got to speak with you.

Oh, Fred, thank God you're here. He's taking Patrick away.

Miss Dennis' residence. I'm taking him to a restricted school in another state!

He's gonna be so far away from her, that the only time she'll be able to breathe on him is at Christmas and summer.

And if I can stop that, I will!

Mame? So that does it.

You want a fight, you'll get it.

Mame, you've got to make a decision this minute.

Auntie Mame, I don't wanna go.

Don't worry, darling.

It's illegal to interrupt a child's schooling.

That's not a school. That's the Garden of Eden.

Miss Dennis, your accountant wants to say hello before he jumps out the window.

I'll take it. Yes?

This boy is gonna be turned into a God-fearing Christian if I have to break every bone in his body.



I see.


The market's gone crazy.

They say you're wiped out.

We all are.

Oh, thank God I never put anything aside.

I don't give a damn about money.

I lost my child.

I'm sorry, Mame.

I... better go see what I can salvage.

Mame, I know how you must feel.

Vera, what am I going to do?

You must hate me.

I led him right to the school. I had no idea.

Oh, forget about that.

Mame, I'm going to make it up to you, I promise.

Vera, how could you possibly help me get Patrick back?

Mame, you're going to need money.

So I'm going to get you a job in my new show.

Vera, I don't want charity.

Besides, I found out years ago what you thought of my talent when we were in the chorus together.

I was never in the chorus.

Well, what difference does it make?

The show won't run anyway.

I was never in the chorus.

Your shows never run.

I was never in...

What do you mean my shows don't run?

My God, Vera, they're so old-fashioned.

I'll have you know this is an extremely modern operetta.

It's about a lady astronomer.

Lady astronomer?

I'd like to play a lady astronomer.

I am the lady astronomer.


But there is a part that you might be right for.

Now, it's very small. Actually only one line.

Only one line?

Well, it comes at the very climax of the play.

You see, I teach in this convent.

You...? You...?

You teach in... In a convent?

Do you want the job or not?

I do. I do.

But you in a convent?

I'll have you know that once in Pittsburgh, I played Mother Cabrini.

During Lent.

Anyway, I'm in love with a professor who teaches in this men's seminary.

Only he's a terrible alcoholic.

However... it is the night of the rising of the moon, and I've just discovered something through my telescope.

And I sing.

♪ I have a little secret I'd like to impart ♪

♪ That I hope doesn't give you Too much of a start ♪

♪ Though it's shocking ♪

♪ It's completely true ♪

♪ I know it isn't gossip ♪

♪ Or rumor, of course ♪

♪ For I've had it From quite a reliable source ♪

♪ And I'd like to ♪

♪ Pass it on ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ The man in the moon ♪

♪ Is a lady ♪

♪ A lady with lipstick ♪

♪ And curls ♪

♪ The cow that jumped over ♪

♪ Cried, "Jumpin' Jehovah ♪

♪ "I think it's just ♪

♪ One of the girls" ♪ Though, uh...

Though earthbound man judge your love ill-fated, be not afraid.

♪ It's a Saturn chemise ♪

♪ Oh, her friends ♪

♪ Are the stars ♪

♪ And the planets ♪

♪ She sends the Big Dipper ♪

♪ A kiss ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ So don't ever offend her ♪

♪ Remember her gender ♪

♪ The man ♪

♪ In the moon ♪

♪ Is a miss ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh ♪

The stars have brought us together, my beloved.

And now we shall have proof of my great discovery.

For it is the time of the rising of the moon.

The time of the rising of the moon!

Moon Lady, you're on!

The rising of the moon is a bit late, my beloved.

But we shall see it soon in all its glory.

Tell her to get her ass on that moon!

Though earthbound man judge... You're on, you're on!

Though earthbound man judge your love...

Though earthbound man judge your love...


III-fated, ill-fated!




♪ So don't ever offend her Remember her gender ♪

♪ The man in the moon Is a miss ♪


The most shocking thing that has happened in the history of the theatre.

Vera, darling, I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me, please.

Listen, everybody, Vera Charles is my dearest friend.

I owe my whole career to her.

Come on, come on, curtain calls.

Let go of me. Get off stage.

Let go of me.

I can't, I'm stuck.

Has anyone got some pliers?

Get a hacksaw! Cut her arm off!


Right there.

That's it. No more curtain calls.

All right, house lights!

I have an astronomical discovery for you.

The man in the moon is a bitch!

Attention, everybody.

Eleven o'clock call tomorrow. Replacement for the Moon Lady.

Sorry, Moon Lady.



I thought you were very good, Auntie Mame.


Everybody noticed you.

Oh, Patrick, what are you doing here?

How did you get to New Haven?

I hitchhiked.

Did they let you out of school?

Not exactly.

Oh, Patrick.

Are you...? Are you terribly ashamed of your Auntie Mame?

No, I'm proud of her.

Nobody liked the show until you came on.

Oh, honey, your Auntie Mame's a failure.

No, you're not.

Not to me. Not ever.

♪ You're my best girl ♪

♪ And nothing you do is wrong ♪

♪ I'm proud you belong to me ♪

♪ And if a day ♪

♪ Is rough for me ♪

♪ Having you there's enough ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ But if someday ♪

♪ Another girl comes along ♪

♪ It won't take her long ♪

♪ To see ♪

♪ That I'll still be found ♪

♪ Just hangin' around ♪

♪ My ♪

♪ Best ♪

♪ Girl ♪

♪ You're my best beau ♪

♪ You're handsome and brave And strong ♪

♪ There's nothing we two Can't face ♪

♪ If you're with me ♪

♪ Whatever comes ♪

♪ We'll see that trouble ♪

♪ Never comes ♪

♪ And if someday ♪

♪ Another beau comes along ♪

♪ Determined to take Your place ♪

♪ I hope he's resigned ♪

♪ To fallin' behind ♪

♪ My best beau ♪

♪ And if someday ♪

♪ When everything Turns out wrong ♪

♪ You're through With the human race ♪

♪ Come runnin' to me ♪

♪ For I'll always be ♪

♪ Your best girl ♪

♪ My best girl ♪

Sorry, lady.

But why this?

Don't you realize that I bought this piano at the Paris Exposition?

Sorry, lady.


May I help you, sir?

Well, now, maybe you can.

What did you have in mind?

I was looking for a present.

Perhaps you could suggest something.

Well, for whom would the present be?

Oh, cute little filly down home said, "Now, don't you dare come on back here without you bringin' me a glistenin', sparklin' surprise."

Well, a cute little filly who'd say a thing like that should have a real surprise.

Why don't you give her a glistenin', sparklin' pair of these?

Well, you know, I think she might get a kick out of those.

Except I don't know the size of her tootsies.


Well, are her tootsies anything like these tootsies?

I'm not sure they're all that pretty.

Well, perhaps you'd be able to tell better if I tried them on for you.

Now, I couldn't put you to all that trouble.

Oh, no trouble at all.

Well, then let me help you. Thank you.

I'm sure she'll just love these.

Good sturdy toes and pretty white laces and sparklin' little wheels.

Oh, so you're from Georgia. Yes, ma'am.

You know what I love? Those trees with all that moss.

You know, you ought to come down and visit our little ol' plantation one day.

Perhaps you'd like to see these in action.

Are you purchasing those skates, Miss Dennis?

Oh, no, Mr. Gorgon, I'm merely performing a little customer service.

Miss Dennis, you were not employed to perform.

I'm buyin' the skates, sir.

The little lady was just modelin' them for me.

Yes, I think I'll write the order up immediately.

Now, uh, may I have your name, sir?

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside.

How was that?

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside.



Pickett, is that with two Ts? Yes, ma'am.


My, that's a lovely name.

Thank you.

Where in Georgia?



Now, how much will that be?

Oh, 15 or 20 dollars.

But that won't be necessary. This is COD.

Miss Dennis.

Well, I can't send a gift COD.

Oh, it's the only way.

That makes it even more of a surprise.

Miss Dennis!

A small conference, excuse us.

You write that up cash, or you're finished.

Mr. Gorgon, you know very well that I don't know how to write up cash sales.

I taught you four times this week.

And take off those skates immediately.

Come on! Come on, hurry up.

You got me so nervous I knotted the laces.

Miss Dennis, you are the dumbest clerk on the entire floor.

You're fired.


Your loss is Tiffany's gain.


Hi, Auntie Mame!

Patrick, darling. What are you doing home?

Time off for good behavior.

I got an A in French.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was hoping you'd been expelled.


Hi, there.

Fired again?

No questions, all right?

What's for dinner? Shredded Wheat.

Agnes, Ito, I'm sorry.

I was just so hoping I'd be able to pay you some of your back salary.

I just can't keep asking you to work for me for nothing.

We wouldn't think of leaving you, Miss Dennis.

No place else to get a job anyway.

Please don't cry, Auntie Mame.

Hell, we don't even have any Kleenex.

Thank you.

You're a loving woman, Miss Dennis.

You're peculiar, but you're loving.

Well, thank you, Agnes.

You're... You're peculiar too.

I refuse to let the Depression depress us.

At least they didn't take these.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

But it's not till next month.

But we need it now.

Come on, open them up.

I bought them three jobs ago before I was tempted to spend the money on something foolish like food.

I don't believe it.

Long pants, at last.

You like? Yeah.

Thank you, Miss Dennis. You're welcome.

Miss Dennis, I don't know what to say.

I didn't expect anything like this.

Okay, now, where's all of last year's tinsel and stuff?

It's all packed away. Go and get it.

♪ Haul out the holly ♪

♪ Put up the tree Before my ♪

♪ Spirit falls again ♪

♪ Fill up the stockings ♪

♪ We may be rushing things ♪

♪ But deck the halls again now ♪

♪ For we need A little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ Candles in the window Carols at the spinet ♪

♪ Yes, we need A little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ It hasn't snowed A single flurry ♪

♪ But, Santa dear We're in a hurry ♪

♪ So climb down the chimney ♪

♪ Turn on the brightest string Of lights I've ever seen ♪

♪ Slice up the fruitcake ♪

♪ It's time we hung Some tinsel ♪

♪ On that evergreen bough ♪

♪ For I've grown A little leaner ♪

♪ Grown a little colder ♪

♪ Grown a little sadder ♪

♪ Grown a little older ♪

♪ And I need a little angel ♪

♪ Sitting on my shoulder ♪

♪ Need a little Christmas now ♪

♪ Haul out the holly ♪

♪ Haven't I taught you well To live each living day? ♪

♪ Fill up the stockings ♪

♪ But Auntie Mame It's one week ♪

♪ Till Thanksgiving Day now ♪

♪ But we need A little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ Candles in the window Carols at the spinet ♪

♪ Yes, we need A little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ It hasn't snowed A single flurry ♪

♪ But, Santa dear We're in a hurry ♪

♪ So climb down The chimney ♪

♪ It's been a long time Since I felt good neighbory ♪

♪ Slice up the fruitcake ♪

♪ It's time we hung some tinsel On that bayberry bough ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la-loo-loo ♪

♪ For we need a little music ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Need a little laughter ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Need a little singing ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Ringing through the rafter ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ And we need a little snappy Happy ever after ♪

♪ Need a little Christmas now ♪

♪ Need a little Christmas now ♪

♪ We need A little Christmas now ♪

Oh! Whew! God!

Hey, Auntie Mame. Yeah?

Can I try on my long pants right now?

Right now.

Miss Dennis.

I hope you don't get angry about what we've done, but we have a present for you too.

Our worries are over.

We paid the butcher bill all the way up through the first of September.

We had some money put aside for a rainy day.

But we didn't know it was gonna get this wet.

I'll pay you back someday, I promise.


I didn't know you were gonna have Christmas so early.

I didn't get you anything, but would you take a kiss on account?

Would I?

♪ For we need a little music ♪

♪ Need a little laughter ♪

♪ Need a little singing ♪

♪ Ringing through the rafter ♪

♪ And we need a little snappy ♪

♪ Happy ever after ♪

♪ Need a little Christmas now ♪

If that's Santa, tell him we've already had it.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Come on, Dancer. Come on, Prancer.

Come on, Donner and Blitzen.

Comet and Cupid, Dasher and Vixen.

Evening. I don't know if I have the right address, but is this where Miss Dennis lives? Miss Mame Dennis.

Miss Dennis, is that you?

I've been all over that store trying to find out how to get in touch with you.


I wanted to apologize for you losin' your job.


Uh, we... We... We... We were just celebrating Christmas.

It's a little early, but we're free thinkers.

I want you to know that I told that floorwalker it was all my fault.

Uh, won't you let me make it up to you somehow?

At least by takin' you to dinner.

Oh, well...

All of you.

We'd love to.

Well, now, that makes me very happy.

Family, I'd like you to meet Mr. Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside.

Well, now, you all get your hats and coats, and I'll go tell my cab to wait.

Marry him the minute he asks you.

I never believed in Santa Claus.

I'm beginning to change my mind.

Yeah, well, I never expected Santa Claus to look so much like Rhett Butler.

Are you ready? Almost.


♪ For we've ♪

♪ Got a little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ Got a little Christmas now ♪

♪ Yes, we've got A little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ Candles in the window ♪

♪ Carols at the spinet ♪

♪ Yes, we've got A little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ We've got a little ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Now ♪

Beau, darling.

Hey, there, Sally Cato. Meet Mame Dennis.

Hey, how are you?

This is her nephew, Patrick.


Well, we're lookin' forward to y'all bein' here.

I just wanted to be the first one to say welcome.

Hey, come on. Here they come.

They're here. They're here.

Come on. Come on.

Well, we got peaches right here, ripe for pickin'.

Can't see why any man'd go hankerin' after a northern alligator pear.

Mother, the second you meet her, you're gonna like her.

Well, where is she?

I'll go see what's holdin' her up.

Patrick, have you seen your aunt? We're all waitin'.

She'll be right down. She's just changing.

Mame, honey, what's keepin' you?

I'll be right down, sugar.

Sweet little darling.

I don't believe that you have met Beau's mama.

How do you do, Mrs. Burnside?

It's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm just dying to meet your little ol' mother.

She's just dyin' to meet you too, honey.

Mother, may I present Miss Mame Dennis?

Oh, Mrs. Burnside, you're more than I expected.

Cousin Fan and my Uncle Jeff.


And these are my kinfolk.


Oh, you'll be first-namin' each other as soon as I slosh another gallon of bourbon in the punch.

Excuse me, honey.

Hi, there.

Hello, Sally Cato.

You know, I could tell from the moment I first set eyes on you, that we was gonna be the closest of friends.

Oh, well, I hope so. That's very nice of you.

Tell me, was it the horses brought you and Beauregard together?


I know my Beauregard would be bored blue with anyone who wasn't practically born on a horse.

Oh, well, I wasn't actually born on a horse, but riding is my life.

Oh, dear me, yes.

Everyday, up at the crack of noon.

Well, that settles it.

Here I've been wracking my poor brain how to entertain you.

How to make your visit here really unforgettable.

And what could be sweeter than a hunt?

A hunt?

Tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning we're having a hunt.

You're all invited!

Won't we have a lark, all of us, leapin' those hedges, jumpin' those river gaps, hounds yappin' around those boulders.

I tell you, Mame, every eye in this county is gonna be on you tomorrow morning.

Oh, well, if I'd only known.

I didn't bring any of my riding togs.

Don't you worry, Mame, child, I have a dozen things you can wear.

You do ride astride?

Oh, no, no. Only sidesaddle.

Well, isn't that grand?

I have a little old sidesaddle that will suit you just perfect.

Beau. Oh, Beauregard.

You wanna hear something fantastic?

At the hunt tomorrow, your little old Yankee girl is gonna ride sidesaddle.

Sidesaddle? But that's much too dangerous.

Yes, but she insists on it.

Well, anything Mame says she can do, she can do.

Mame, sugar, I'm gonna hold my breath until tomorrow morning.

You do that, honey.

Oh, look at all those beautiful dogs.

Yeah, ain't they?

Look out!

Whoa, look out!


Now, did I get you a delicious piece of horseflesh, or didn't I?

Whoa! Easy! Whoa!

Ain't that Lightning Rod they're givin' the Dennis woman?

I thought he went mad.


Easy, easy.

Whoa, boy.

Easy, there. Easy.

He's all yours. Whoa, boy.

Easy. Good.

Okay, Cousin B.J., let's go.

Nice horsy, nice horsy.

Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup.

Nice horsy, nice horsy.

Nice horsy, nice horsy.

Nice horsy, giddyup.

Nice, nice.

Giddyup, nice horsy.

That can't be Lightning Rod.

Whoo-ha! That's Lightning Rod.

Hey, look out.

Hey, watch it! Watch it!

Hey, watch it! Watch it!

So long, Yankee girl!

Stop right here.

That Dennis woman has one of the best seats I've ever seen.

Good God, she's passin' the hunters.

She's passing the dogs.

Mother of Jefferson Davis, she's passing the fox.

Come on, let's follow her.

If she's still on that horse, we can see her from here.

Foxy. Foxy.

Come here. Come on, baby.

Come on, foxy. Come on, baby.

Oh, look at the baby.

Look at the baby.


To Mame, the huntress.

To Mame, the huntress!

To Mame, the huntress!

The most amazing feat I ever saw.

Mother Burnside, I like her just as much as you do.

But does she really belong down here?

Listen, everybody.

Friends, please, everybody listen.

On this plantation, in this county, in the whole blame state, this morning will go down in history as the day this lovely lady has restored elegance and humanity to the gentlemanly sport of the hunt.

And you know why, Mame?

'Cause you done more for the South than anybody since Robert E. Lee.

♪ You coax the blues Right out of the horn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You charm the husk Right off of the corn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You've got The banjoes strummin' ♪

♪ And plunkin' out a tune To beat the band ♪

♪ The whole plantation's Hummin' ♪

♪ Since you brought Dixie Back to Dixieland ♪

♪ You make the cotton Easy to pick ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You give my old Mint julep a kick ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Who ever thought A Yankee would put ♪

♪ Our little Dixie belles To shame? ♪

♪ You've made us Feel alive again ♪

♪ You've given us The drive again ♪

♪ To make the South Revive again, Mame ♪

♪ You've brought the cakewalk Back into style ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You make The weepin' willow tree smile ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Your skin is Dixie satin ♪

♪ There's rebel in your manner And your speech ♪

♪ You may be from Manhattan ♪

♪ But Georgia never Had a sweeter peach ♪

♪ You make the old Magnolia tree bud ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You make camellias Bloom in the mud ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You make the bougainvillea Turn purple ♪

♪ At the mention of your name ♪

♪ We're bakin' Pecan pies again ♪

♪ Tonight The chicken fries again ♪

♪ This time the South Will rise again ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Since you brought Dixie Back to Dixieland ♪

♪ You make our black-eyed peas And our grits ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Seem like the bill of fare At the Ritz ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You came, you saw You conquered ♪

♪ And absolutely nothing Is the same ♪

♪ Your special fascination'll ♪

♪ Prove to be inspirational ♪

♪ We think you're Just sensational, Mame ♪




♪ You coax the blues Right out of the horn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You charm the husk Right off of the corn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You've got The banjoes strummin' ♪

♪ And plunkin' out a tune To beat the band ♪

♪ The whole plantation's Hummin' ♪

♪ Since you brought Dixie Back to Dixieland ♪

♪ You make the cotton Easy to pick ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You give my old Mint julep a kick ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Who ever thought A Yankee would ♪

♪ Put our little Dixie belles To shame? ♪

♪ You've made us feel Alive again ♪

♪ You've given us The drive again ♪

♪ To make the South Revive again ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

Oh, Beau, do you know how happy I am?

You're not unhappy with me, are you?

Unhappy? Why should I be?

I brought 18 steamer trunks.

And you're gonna need every last stitch, Mame.

I'm gonna show you so many remarkable places, so many incredible things.

I've always had to take someone else by the hand.

I like it better this way.

Did you ever live on a houseboat in Kashmir?

Ever have a picnic on the Matterhorn?

Did you ever sail over the coast of Ireland on a balloon?

♪ Lovin' you is snow And jasmine ♪

♪ And the noise Of New Year's Eve ♪

♪ Loving you is now ♪

♪ And yesterday is real ♪

♪ And make-believe ♪

♪ Loving you is Rome And New Orleans ♪

♪ And gazin' at The lazy summer skies ♪

♪ Fireworks reflectin' In your eyes ♪

♪ Foolish and improbable And wise ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ Lovin' you Is tart as lemonade ♪

♪ And sweet as April wine ♪

♪ Lovin' you is ♪

♪ Watching all the lovely things Of life combine ♪

♪ In your arms I'm all I wish I were ♪

♪ I'm brave, I'm strong And I'm true ♪

♪ As long as I ♪

♪ Can go on livin' ♪

♪ Lovin' you ♪

♪ In your arms I'm all I wish I were ♪

♪ I'm brave, I'm strong And I'm true ♪

♪ As long as I ♪

♪ Can go on livin' ♪

♪ Lovin' you ♪

♪ In English Lit ♪

♪ I'm in the top 10 ♪

♪ I got a B-plus Average again ♪

♪ Tahiti sounds the greatest ♪

♪ Of all the crazy places That you've been ♪

♪ Wait till you hear The latest ♪

♪ I think I've got A whisker on my chin ♪

♪ I find it's getting Harder to cram ♪

♪ I flunked my Latin Grammar exam ♪

♪ I'm shaving every morning ♪

♪ And growing like it's Going out of style ♪

♪ The debs all seem To go for me ♪

♪ Please tell the Alps Hello for me ♪

♪ A hug to Uncle Beau from me ♪

Hi, Ito.

Hi, Agnes, where is she? She's upstairs, dear.

Hi, Auntie Mame.

Well, there's not much I can do.

But I just wanted you to know that... whenever you need me, I'm here.

Thank you, Patrick.

How about lunch?

I have a date, but why don't you join us?

Oh, no. No, you run along.

Come on, please, we'd love to have you.

No, really, I'll be all right.

Well, listen, I want you to promise me that you'll call, you know, whenever...

Whenever you feel like it. You promise?


Auntie Mame, I love you.



How do you do?

Look at yourself.

You look like you just came from a funeral.

I was destroyed at the news, absolutely destroyed.

So young, cut down on the very prime of his life.

And he was so devoted, so in love, so happy.

Double martini with twist of lemon and very, very dry.

Very good, Miss Charles.


Mame, darling.

You look awful.

Vera, my old, old, old friend.

Double Scotch, please.

Mame, do you forgive me?

Forgive you, dear? For what?

Oh! I've had regrets.

I tell you, I've lost many a beauty sleep, tossing and turning because I was so cruel to you that terrible time in New Haven.

You've lost beauty sleep, Vera?

It hardly shows.

But you do forgive me? Of course.

Let's drink to old times. To old times.

There we are.

Friendship like ours is very rare.

What is the female equivalent to Damon and Pythias?

Uh... Daphnis and Chloé.

I think one of them was a fella.

The wonderful thing is that you and I can say anything to each other.

Absolutely anything.

Do you have a quarter for the john?

♪ We'll always be Bosom buddies ♪

♪ Friends, sisters and pals ♪

♪ We'll always be Bosom buddies ♪

♪ If life should reject you There's me to protect you ♪

♪ If I say that Your tongue is vicious ♪

♪ If I call you uncouth ♪

♪ It's simply that ♪

♪ Who else but a bosom buddy ♪

♪ Will sit down And tell you the truth? ♪ Though now and again, I'm aware that my candid opinion may sting.

Though often my frank observation might scald, I've been meaning to tell you for years you should keep your hair natural like mine.

If I kept my hair natural like yours, I'd be bald.

♪ But, darling ♪

♪ If I say that your Sense of style's ♪

♪ As far off as your youth ♪

♪ It's simply that ♪

♪ Who else but a bosom buddy ♪

♪ Will tell you The whole stinkin' truth? ♪ Each time that a critic has written, "Your voice is the voice of a frog," straight to your side to defend you I rush.

You know that I'm there every time that the world makes an unkind remark.

When they say, "Vera Charles is the w o rld's greatest lush."

♪ It hurts me ♪

♪ I'm thrilled By the style and wit ♪

♪ Of each jest That you make ♪

♪ It's bracing to ♪

♪ Trade quips With my bosom buddy ♪

♪ You Woollcott, you Benchley You snake ♪

I feel it's my duty to tell you, it's time to adjust to your age.

You try to be Peg O' My Heart when you're Lady Macbeth.

Exactly how old are you, Vera?

The truth.

How old do you think?

I'd say somewhere between

40 and death.

♪ But sweetie ♪

♪ I'll always be Alice Toklas ♪

♪ If you'll be Gertrude Stein ♪

♪ And though I'll admit I've dished you ♪

♪ I've gossiped and gloated But I'm so devoted ♪

♪ And if I say That sex and guts ♪

♪ Made you into a star ♪

♪ Remember that ♪

♪ Who else but a bosom buddy ♪

♪ Will tell ya How rotten you are? ♪

♪ Just turn to your Bosom buddy ♪

♪ For aid and affection For help and direction ♪

♪ For loyalty, love And for sooth ♪

♪ Remember that ♪

♪ Who else but a bosom buddy ♪

♪ Will sit down and level And give you the devil ♪

♪ Will sit down And tell you the truth? ♪

Vera, you know, I think it's amazing how we've always remained such good friends.

Especially when you consider how often we dated the same men.

Mame, I never dated the same men you did.

How about Carlo, the sexy Argentine, the one with all those shoulders?

Carl... I never dated Carlo.

I married him. I never dated him.

Excuse me, but listening to you ladies makes me all goose-pimply. You see, I never had one.

Never had one what?

A date with a member of the opposite... you-know-what.

Is anything wrong, Mrs. Burnside?

Agnes, you're coming out.


Why, Agnes, you have beautiful eyes.

Keep these glasses off forever.

But, Ms. Charles, I can't see anything out of my right eye.

Who can? Look out of your left.

What do you call those things you're wearing?

Orthopedic oxfords.

Take 'em off.

Good heavens, Agnes, you have a bust.

Where you been hiding it all these years?


Agnes, I want you to take all your clothes off, do you hear me? Take 'em all off.


I don't have a very clear picture of what's going on.

Here, this'll calm you down.

Oh, no.

Spirits do the most terrible things to me.

I'm not the same girl.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Will it mix with Dr Pepper?

He'll love it.

Come on, into the tub.

We gotta do something about her face.

We gotta close those pores.

Get me a bucket of ice and 16 egg whites.

And a small chisel.

Agnes, darling.

By tonight, you should be Queen of the Nile.

Mrs. Burnside, I think I know what you're suggesting I do.

I just don't think I can do anything so provocative.

Agnes, stop being so afraid.

Get out there and live. Live!


Yes. Life is a banquet.

And most poor sons of bitches are starving to death.


You know, I think we are the greatest team since Romulus and Remus.

I'm sure one of them was a fellow.

♪ I know that of jokes And of scandalous gossip ♪

♪ I'm often the butt ♪

♪ And that for your protection I always can vouch ♪

♪ It hurts me the most When they try and involve you ♪

♪ In off-color smut ♪

♪ Like the one about you And the first casting couch ♪

♪ If life should reject you ♪

♪ There's me to protect you ♪

♪ Who else but a bosom buddy ♪

♪ Will sit down and level And give you the devil ♪

♪ Will sit down And tell you the... ♪

At my college, I had this fantastic psychology class and a marvelous professor.

And every day is an exciting adventure. It's so exciting.

I have learned that I can learn so much from people.

For example, I had this girlfriend who really hates her mother.

I mean, she really hates her and says so.

Now, I don't know a lot about the Bible, but, uh...

I mean, it's in there. It is in there, isn't it?

That you must love your father and mother?

I believe, Gloria, that the Bible says you should honor your father and mother, not love them.



Hello, Agnes.


Well, after all, parents give their children life.

Of course, you're not Patrick's mother.

You didn't give him life.

But even with you, he has an obligation to love you.

Your devotion to your parents is so refreshing, Gloria.

They must be incredible people.

Oh, they are.

And they are always asking about you.

They're just dying to meet you.

Well, fine. How about Friday night, right here, dinner at 8?

We'll all get to know each other.

Oh, how marvelous.

You like that? Yes.

I would love that.

Who was that, Ito? Agnes.

Agnes. Where is she?

In the kitchen, afraid to come in.

Um, would you excuse me for a moment?

Of course.

Where's she been?

I don't know.

I've only had one postcard from her in six months, and that was from the Shangri-La Motel in East Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania.


My God, Agnes, what happened?

I opened a new window.

I wanted you to be the first to know.

Oh, uh, Auntie Mame, I think we really should be running along.


Thank you so much for the scrumptious lunch.

My pleasure. I think I'll say hello to Agnes.

Hi, Agnes, what's new?

She just adored being a mother.

But once the pups got their teeth, she refused to nurse them.


Agnes looks well, don't you think?

You know, I was thinking, uh, maybe it would be better if you came up to Connecticut to meet Gloria's parents.

I promise you it'll be fun here.

Well, I-I'll be coming down from college, and I got the feeling it would be easier on me if I didn't have to drive all the way into the city.

You'll love it, Mrs. Burnside. Do come.


Mother will call you first thing in the morning.

She'll be very excited. Okay. Well, see you.


Bye. So long.

Do you think he noticed?

Agnes, tell me about it. Tell me exactly what happened.

I'll try.

♪ With my wings Resolutely spread ♪

♪ Mrs. Burnside ♪

♪ And my old inhibitions shed ♪

♪ Mrs. Burnside ♪

♪ I did each little thing You said ♪

♪ Mrs. Burnside ♪

♪ I lived ♪

♪ I lived ♪

♪ I lived ♪

♪ I altered the drape Of a drop ♪

♪ Of my bodice ♪

♪ And softened the shape ♪

♪ Of my brow ♪

♪ I followed directions ♪

♪ And made some connections ♪

♪ But what do I do now ♪

♪ Who'd think this Miss Prim ♪

♪ Would have opened a window ♪

♪ As far as her whim Would allow ♪

♪ And who would suppose ♪

♪ It was so hard to close it ♪

♪ Oh, what do I do now ♪

♪ I polished and powdered ♪

♪ And puffed myself ♪

♪ If life is a banquet ♪

♪ I stuffed myself ♪

♪ I had my misgivings ♪

♪ But went on a field trip ♪

♪ To find out ♪

♪ What living's about ♪

♪ My thanks for your training ♪

♪ Now, I'm not complaining ♪

♪ But you left something out ♪

♪ Instead of wandering on ♪

♪ With my lone remorse ♪

♪ I have come back home ♪

♪ To complete the course ♪

♪ Oh, what do I do? ♪

♪ Mrs. Burnside ♪

♪ I traveled to hell In my new veneer ♪

♪ And look what I got ♪

♪ As a souvenir ♪

♪ But still I'll defend you As guide and instructor ♪

♪ Would I recommend you And how ♪

♪ Although I was leery ♪

♪ I thrived on your theory ♪

♪ That life can be a wow ♪

♪ I had too much gin ♪

♪ When I found my prince ♪

♪ And have I been nauseous ♪

♪ Ever since ♪

♪ Oh, what ♪

♪ Do ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ Do ♪

♪ Now? ♪

Oh, I just don't know which one you should go in.

Here, use that one. Look, Mother.

I don't like that. Look, here she comes.


Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!

You must be Mame.

Shall I call you Mamie?

You must be Doris. Shall I call you Dorie?

Welcome to Upson Downs.


Upson Downs. Get it?

"Ups and... "? Well, our name is Upson.

Oh, of course. Upson Downs.

Well, that is cunning. That is cunning.

This is our little Debbie-boo.

And that's Peggy-boo. Oh, yeah.

Darling, don't get your Auntie Mamie's dress dirty.

That's all right. Are you my little Debbie-boo?

Are you Grandma's favorite? Oh, what a beautiful place.

Well, we like it. Really love it.

Debbie-boo, my beautiful girl.

Mame, I want you to feel right at home.

And I'm going to introduce you to the rest of my family.

This is my daughter-in-law, Emily.

How do you do? We are so excited.

Yes, she's married to my son, Boyd.

Love your car. Oh, thank you.

Boyd's in dentistry. Oh, is he?

This is my other daughter Midge and her husband Bunny.

Hello, Bunny. No, he's Bunny. I'm Midge.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, anyway, congratulations.

Yeah. Yes. Congratulations.


Auntie Mame? Oh, hi, darling.

Auntie Mame, Gloria and I are engaged.

Oh, isn't that scrumptious?


And isn't this scrumptious?

Oh, you better not touch. I'm dripping with oil.

Mamie, aren't we lucky?

Well, I think this calls for a drink.

What'll you have, Mamie?

Straight Scotch.

And this is where we spend all our time, Mamie.

It's a sort of rumpus room.

Dorie, Claude, I can't begin to tell you what I think of your house.

How about a refill, Mamie?

Love it.

You'd never believe it, but this part of the house dates back to before the American Revolution.

Why, this room was actually an old slave kitchen.

Oh, there you are, Bertha.

Bertha, I want you to meet Mrs. Burnside.

Hello, Bertha.

Bertha is one in a million.

We don't know what we'd do without her, do we, Claude?

She's part of the family.

She's so nice.

Most of them are getting so snotty these days.

Mame, I made these especially for you.

Oh, they look delicious. What are they?

Well, I take two cans of tuna fish, run it through the meat grinder, add a little clam juice and peanut butter.


That's good, Mother.

Mamie, I've been giving a lot of thought about what I'm going to give Gloria and Patrick for a wedding gift.

He's thought of something so unique.

Don't tell me. His-and-hers shotguns.

Mamie, you are so funny.

Yes, seriously.

I hope you don't mind if we talk a little business.

Business? Yeah. I would like for us to go into this together, 50-50.


I don't know whether you noticed that vacant lot next door, but that is one of the choicest pieces of real estate left in this whole area.

This is all two-acre zoning.

Yeah, but the important thing is that this section is restricted only up to the end of our property line.

In other words, anyone could move in on the other side of our wishing well.

Like whom?


You know, the wrong kind of people.


So we settle the kiddies in there, then we protect the neighborhood at the same time.

What do you say?

I'd like a little more Scotch.

Oh, Mamie, I have planned the most beautiful wedding.

I'm already starting to cry.

So am I.

It's at the Church of the Heavenly Rest in East Mountebank.

That's the most restricted community in this part of Connecticut.

I'll get a blood test.

Mamie, you're a card.


Oh, so sweet.

I love them when they're babies.

I wish they'd stay that little.

Is that Gloria too?

Mm-hmm. That's Gloria.

Looks more like Midge here.

No, no. Midge is on the next reel.

Mmm. This is all Gloria.

Hold on, here's my favorite. How old was she here, Mother?

Oh, I don't know. About six months, I think.

Yes, six months. I remember that dress.

I looked awful, Mom. This is silly.

Look, be quiet, Glory, we're all enjoying it.

You were beautiful.

Well, that was such fun. Such fun. I really must be going.

Oh, no. Don't go, Mamie.

Hey, Boyd, you got that reel where she falls off the bicycle?

I'm sure you're gonna get a big kick out of this.

I'm sure I would, Claude, I'm sure I would, but I really must be going.

Oh, but I feel we're just beginning to get acquainted.

Well, next time, it'll be at my place.

Now, nothing elaborate.

Just a very informal evening.

Oh, we would just love that.

I'm perfectly capable of walking to my car by myself.

I didn't say you weren't.

Or did you think I'd tied on such a load that I might fall on my face in the driveway?

I only wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your coming up here.

Oh, it was no imposition at all.

I can go to Fire Island anytime.

Of course, it would have been nice if I'd known about your engagement beforehand.

Well, all I wanted to do was to have you make a good impression on Gloria's family.

Well, how'd I do?

Well, fortunately, they really seem to like you a lot.

Well, that just makes my summer.

Oh, now, look, Auntie Mame, let's get this straight.

Now I know how you feel about Gloria... and the Upsons.

You're about as subtle as a pile driver.

But I wanna marry Gloria, and I intend to.

Even if she's wrong for you?

Well, that's for me t o decide.

Look, you know why I didn't tell you we were engaged?

It was because I was afraid that you would come up here dressed as a farm hand or the queen of Sheba or something, and ruin the whole thing.

Are you trying to tell me that I have ever given you reason to be ashamed of me?

You and your crazy friends.

My friends are not crazy.

My friends are colorful.

They're not like the crashing bigoted bores that you've been hanging around with.

Now, look, the Upsons are nice, normal, ordinary human beings.

And they don't have to know all those things that you think everybody should have to know.

And should they know that I think you have turned into one of the most beastly, babbitty little snobs on the Eastern Seaboard?

Or will you be able to make that quite clear without any help from me?

Forget it.

Forget you ever knew the Upsons.

Forget you ever knew me.


Where's that boy With the bugle? ♪

♪ My little love ♪

♪ Who was always ♪

♪ My big romance ♪

♪ Where's that boy With the bugle? ♪

♪ And why did I ever buy him ♪

♪ Those damn long pants ♪

♪ Did he need A stronger hand? ♪

♪ Did he need A lighter touch? ♪

♪ Was I soft Or was I tough? ♪

♪ Did I give enough? ♪

♪ Did I give too much? ♪

♪ At the moment That he needed me ♪

♪ Did I ever turn away? ♪

♪ Would I be there When he called ♪

♪ If he walked into my life ♪

♪ Today? ♪

♪ Were his days A little dull? ♪

♪ Were his nights A little wild? ♪

♪ Did I overstate my plan? ♪

♪ Did I stress the man And forget the child? ♪

♪ And there must have been A million things ♪

♪ That my heart Forgot to say ♪

♪ Would I think Of one or two ♪

♪ If he walked Into my life today? ♪

♪ Should I blame The times I pampered him ♪

♪ Or blame the times I bossed him? ♪

♪ What a shame ♪

♪ I never really found the boy Before I lost him ♪

♪ Were the years A little fast? ♪

♪ Was his world A little free? ♪

♪ Was there too much Of a crowd ♪

♪ All too lush and loud ♪

♪ And not enough of me? ♪

♪ Though I'll ask myself My whole life long ♪

♪ What went wrong Along the way ♪

♪ Would I make The same mistakes ♪

♪ If he walked Into my life today? ♪

♪ If that boy with the bugle ♪

♪ Walked into my life ♪

♪ Today ♪

Oh! Good evening, sir.


You're new here. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

What's your name? Pegeen, sir.

I'm Patrick. I know.

She spent hours showing me photographs of you growing up.

I especially enjoyed you at the zoo with the giraffes eating peanuts off your head.

Oh! Mind the steps.

The bottom one's the lowest.



That's what me grandmother used to say.

Oh, did she now?

She had a saying for just about everything, that one did.

Ah, Mr. Patrick, congratulations.

Thanks, Ito.

I promise you, I won't use one teensy-weensy "son of a bitch" all evening, okay?

You look so terrific, no one would notice anyway.

Mrs. Burnside, would you like me to help with the party tonight?

Hi, Patrick!

What is Agnes doing here?

Well, where else could she go in her friendless condition?

Nobody else wanted me.

I'm very grateful to have someone to look after now that I'm losing you.

You're not losing me.

I wish I had somebody to look after.

You will, dear. You will.

I'll get it.

No, wait! I don't mind.

No, I want you to go to your room and stay there.

And don't forget to take your calcium pill.

I'm not loved!

Oh, you're loved, Agnes.

My God, have you been loved.

Dorie, darling. Claude.

How I've looked forward to this.

Hello, Mamie. Hi, Mamie.

Hi, darling. Oh, isn't this lovely?

Mrs. Burnside, I can't tell you how happy I am to see you again.

Thank you.

Glory, you look scrumptious.

You too, Mamie.

That's a sweet little dress.

Thank you.

Please, make yourselves comfortable.

Shall we have a drink? I could sure as hell use one.

Something wrong, Claude?

The property's been sold. Kids' wedding present.

Some smart Jew lawyer outbid us and grabbed it for his client.


Well, now, I hope it doesn't spoil your evening.

Oh, I insist you try some of these.

Oh, they look delicious.

What is it? Baked monkey.

Oh. No, thank you.

Ooh, how...? How can you eat that?

Been eating it all my life.

♪ It's a time for ♪ MEN: ♪ It's a time for ♪

♪ Making merry ♪ ♪ Making merry ♪

♪ And so I'm for ♪ ♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Makin' hay ♪

♪ Tune the grand up ♪ These are some friends I asked over.

And I think you're going to love them.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ It's today ♪ ♪ Tune the grand up ♪

♪ Strike the band up ♪

♪ Pull the stops out ♪

♪ It's today ♪ Mame, darling.

Claude, that's the famous stage star what's-her-name.

I'd like you to meet my dearest friend, Vera Charles.

Vera, the Upsons.

Oh, Miss Charles!

I've simply got to tell you how I adored you in "Reflected Glory."

Did you, dear?

That was Tallulah Bankhead.

Vera's only a baritone.


Could you be persuaded to have a drink, dear?

Well, maybe just a tiny triple.


Glory be, I'm so sorry, madam.

Oh, what a mess.

Here, let me help you with that.

Oh, no sir. You mustn't soil your fine suit.

I'd like to propose a toast to this lovely young couple as they face life together.

Oh, uh...

Uh, no, Auntie Vera. This isn't Gloria.

This is Gloria.


Well, what the hell, let's have a toast anyway.

What do you say, Mrs. Upjohn?

Is that a member of the family?


I thought you were going to stay in your room.

But you told me to take my calcium pills.

They're in the kitchen.

Ito, get her calcium pills.

Come here, dear. Come on.

Dorie, Claude, this is Agnes, Patrick's nanny.

Une petite enceinte.

Now, now, dear.

We know all about these women things, don't we?

You just come right over here and sit down beside me.

What's your name, dear?


♪ Open a new window Open a new door ♪

♪ Travel a new highway That's never been tried before ♪

♪ Before you find you're A dull fellow ♪

♪ Punching the same clock ♪ Now, tell me, dear, what does Mr. Gooch do?

Oh, my father passed on.

Oh, no, no. I mean your husband.

I'm a bachelor girl.

My baby's gonna be a little bas...

♪ Whenever they say you're Slightly unconventional ♪

♪ Just put your thumb Up to your nose ♪

♪ And show them how to Dance to a new rhythm ♪

♪ Whistle a new song ♪

♪ Toast with a new vintage ♪

♪ The fizz doesn't Fizz too long ♪

♪ There's only one way To make the bubbles stay ♪

♪ Simply travel A new highway ♪

♪ Dance to a new rhythm ♪

♪ Open a new window Every day ♪ Welcome, welcome!

Come on in, girls. Come on, make yourselves at home.

You see, Agnes darling? You're not alone.

Every year there are hundreds of girls, just like Agnes, who find themselves expecting and have no one to turn to.

Mame, how theatrical of you.

All of these fallen angels finding a haven right here in Beekman Place.

Oh, no, dear. No, no.

This is much too big for Beekman Place.

I bought some property up in Mountebank.

Wha-wha-wha...? What did you say?

What's that about Mountebank?

Claude, Dorie, I'm the one who bought the lot next door to you.

I'm going to build the Beauregard Burnside Memorial Home for Single Mothers.

Oh, won't it be wonderful, all these girls romping on the other side of your wishing well?

Claude, take me home.

I thought you were one of us.

I should have known better.


Look! My aunt didn't mean to offend anybody.

It's just that she's so big-hearted that naturally when somebody's in trouble, she just naturally has to come to the rescue.

Gloria. Let go of me.



Bow to your mother and father, just like your Auntie Mame taught you.

That's very good, Peter.

Indeed it is.

Well, Auntie Mame, you're off again.

In Russian, that means, "Our sleigh is waiting at the gate."

Of course, my sleigh is waiting at La Guardia.

And Ito's gone on ahead with my trunks.

So would you be darlings and give me a lift?

Of course.

I would love to have you see me off.

Oh, Peter and I had a divine weekend.

And we came up with the most beautiful idea.


Oh, can't I go with Auntie Mame?

Can't I, Mom? Please, please?

No, darling, I'm afraid not.

But the boy is deprived.

He's never even seen Siberia.

Auntie Mame, we said no, and that's final.

Peter, when you have a little boy and he wants to take a trip with Auntie Mame, I hope you won't be as antediluvian as your father.

What's "antediluvian," Auntie Mame?

Look, darling, here's a pad and pencil.

I want you to always write down every word you don't understand.

You know, I am terribly upset.


We spent the entire day at Abercrombie's.

Thanks, Auntie Mame, but it's just out of the question.


You know what the trouble with you two is?

You don't live.

Life's a banquet, and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death.

One thing you've got to understand:

School begins day after Labor Day.

He's gotta be back by then.

Of course, Labor Day.

Sometime in November, isn't it?

Oh, Peter, I'm going to show you things you never dreamed existed.

♪ Open a new window ♪

♪ Open a new door ♪

♪ Travel a new highway ♪

♪ That's never Been tried before ♪ She hasn't changed.

She's the Pied Piper.

You came, you saw You conquered ♪

♪ And absolutely nothing Is the same ♪

♪ Your special fascination'll ♪

♪ Prove to be inspirational ♪

♪ We think you're Just sensational ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪