Man on the Moon (1999) Script

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Hello.

I am Andy... and I would like to thank you for coming to my movie.

I wish it was better, you know, but... it is so stupid.

It's terrible. I-I do not even like it.

All of the most important things in my life... a-a-are changed around and mixed up... for, um-- uh, dramatic purposes.

So...

I decided to cut out... all of the baloney.

Now the movie is much shorter.

In fact, this... is the end of the movie.

Thank you very much.

I am not fooling.

Good-bye.

Go.


Wow. You're still here.

O-kay!

I hope you're not upset.

I did that to get rid of those folks who just... wouldn't understand me... and don't even want to try.

Actually, the movie is really great.

It's just filled with colorful characters, like the one I just did and the one I'm doing now.

Our story begins...

back in Great Neck, Long Island.

This is our house.

And that's my father's old car.

That's my father.

That's my little brother Michael.

That's my little sister Carol.

And that's my mom. Janice?

Andy's up in his room?

Yeah.

Mr. Bear is saying that Mrs. Cat made his head fall off.

She saw it And it's not true.

Today's special guest, Mr. Bear.

What's up, Mr. Bear? Andy?

Son, this has got to stop.

Our house is not a television station.

There's not a camera in that wall.

I mean, this is not healthy. You should be outside playing sports.

But I have my own sports show.

Andy, you know that's not what I meant.

Look, I'm gonna put my foot down. No more playing alone.

You want to perform, you have got to have an audience. They're right there!

That is not an audience. That is plaster.

An audience is made of people, people who live and breathe.

Andy Kaufman and Howdy Doody present...

"The Animal Song"!

I'm gonna say the animal, and then you tell me what it says.

Okay? Okay.

Oh, the cow goes-- Moo.

And the cat goes-- Meow! Meow!

And the bird goes--

Tweet, tweet. Tweet, tweet!

And the lion goes--

Roar!

And the dog goes Ruff.

And the cat goes Meow.

And the bird goes Tweet.

And the pig goes Oink.

And that's the way it goes The comedy stylings of Andy Kaufman. Thank you.

So, Mr. Besserman, same spot tomorrow?

I don't know, Andy. I think I have to let you go.

You're firing me?

You-- You don't even pay me.

I don't want to seem insulting, but your act is like amateur hour.

You're doing sing alongs for six-year-olds and puppets that aren't funny.

Playing records? But it's totally original.

No one's ever done it. I'm not like everyone else.

Well, everybody else gets this place cookin'.

I thought it was cooking. There was a man over here that was really upset.

He stormed out, and a lot of other people left in the middle of your act.

I can't sell booze-- It's not about comedy. It's not about art.

It's about booze. I can't sell booze when you're singing "Pop Goes the Weasel."

That's all that matters. I'm running a business here.

It's show business. Show business. Show business.

Without the business, there's no show.

There's no show for you. Wh-What do you want me to do?

"Take my wife, please"? At least it's a joke. Try some jokes.

Like, "Why did the Siamese twins go to England?"

I don't know. Why did they go to England?

So the other one could drive.

But why doesn't the other one just learn how to drive?

Whew. Maybe that one isn't for you.

But do jokes about the traffic, do impressions, maybe some blue material.


Thank you very much. Goodnight!


Now?

Now.

Thank you very much.

One thing I do not like... is too much traffic.

You know?

Tonight I had to come... from... uh--

A-And the freeway, it-it was so much traffic.

I-It took me an hour and a half to get here.

But-- But... talking about the terrible things--

My wife-- take my wife. Please take her.

Ugh.

No.

No. I am only fooling.

I-- I-I love my wife, but she don't know how to cook.

Her cooking is so bad.

It's terrible. No.

Now I-I would like to--

I would like to do for you... the imitations.

I would like to start... with the-- the Jimmy Carter.

The president of the United States.

Hello, I am Jimmy Carter, the president of the United States.

God!

Thank you very much.

And now I would like to do for you... the-- the Elvis Presley.


Well, it's one for the money two for the show three to get ready Now go, cat, go Now, don't you Step on my blue suede shoes Well, you can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes Let's go, cat!

Budd, what's the story with this guy?

I think he's from Lithuania.

Oh, blue, blue blue suede shoes Baby, blue, blue blue suede shoes, honey Blue, blue blue suede shoes, baby Blue, blue blue suede shoes You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes Oh, well we were dancin'

We were dancin'

To the jailhouse rock All right!

Whoo!

Thank you very much.

Hey, I really enjoyed your set.

I didn't mean to startle you. I really liked what you did out there.

Thank you very much.

So I understand you're from Lithuania.

No, I am from Caspiar.

Caspiar, huh?

It is a very small island in the Caspian Sea.

It sunk.

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh--

Look, uh, I'm probably out of my mind, but I think you're very interesting, and if you ever need representation, we should talk.

Okay.

"George Shapiro." Mr. Shapiro.

Wow.

It is an honor, sir. Caspiar, huh?

I wanna be the biggest star in the world.

Well, people love comedians.

I'm not a comedian. I don't do jokes.

I don't even know what's funny. I'm a song-and-dance man.

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Uh, I particularly suggest the lotus root.

Um, but y-y-you, uh, you know, you show a lot of promise.

And my concern is I don't know where to book you.

You're not a stand-up, and, uh, your act doesn't exactly translate itself to film, so--

Um--

So help me. Where do you see yourself?

Well, I've always wanted to play Carnegie Hall.

That's funny.

See, I don't want to go for cheap laughs.

I want real gut reactions.

I want the audience to have gone through an experience.

They love me, they hate me, they walk out. It's all great.

Andy, you got a little something-- Hmm?

Oh.

When I'm famous, I'm gonna sell these, as worn by Andy Kaufman.

You can have this one.

It's probably gonna be worth a lot 'cause it was actually up my nose.

You're insane!

But you might also be brilliant.

Hello. George Shapiro here.

Uh... yeah! Is this George Shapiro ?

Yeah, speaking. Speaking!

Reeking, seeking, creaking. Freaking!

Big freaking deal! Tell me something I don't know, toadstool!

Can I help you with something?

Yeah, you can stay away from Andy Kaufman, if you know what's good for you.

Crankshaft! Who is this?

Do not twist my noodle, toy poodle!

This is Tony Clifton, a name to respect, a name to fear!

Kaufman is a lying bastard. He is a psychopath!

Now slowly open your eyes.

You should feel rested, relaxed and alert.

Uh, I would like to thank you, Your Holiness.

My heart is radiating pure energy.

Okay-- Oh, no. Wait.

Wait. Uh-- I'm sorry.

Uh, I have a question.

Is there--

Is there a secret to being funny?

Yes.

Silence.

Upbeat]

Upbeat]

Welcome back to Saturday Night Live.

And now, as a special treat on our first show, musical guest Andy Kaufman!


What's wrong with this guy?

This is dead air.

Band]

Mr. Trouble never hangs around When he hears this mighty sound Here I come to save the day That means that Mighty Mouse is on his way Yes, sir, when there is a wrong to right Mighty Mouse will join the fight On the sea or on the land He gets the situation well in hand So though we are in danger we never despair

'Cause we know that where there's danger he is there He is there on the land, on the sea In the air We're not worrying at all We're just listening for his call Here I come to save the day That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way Mr. Kaufman? Hmm? Oh.

Hi. Right this way, please.

Okay. George is expecting you.

Hey, Andy.

Hey.

Thanks for coming out. Oh, thank you, George.

Come on, sit down. Um, oh.

Wow, they're-- Which one? Either one.

They're both red. Yeah.

This one, I guess.

So did you have a nice flight? I-I did.

I had a really good flight, and the stewardess was very, very nice.

And she allowed me to keep my headphones.

Oh, that's terrific! Yep. Mm-hmm.

Andy, I got something better.

You do? Yeah.

This is big.

Okay.

Okay? Okay.

You are getting a once-in-a-lifetime, very lucrative opportunity... to star on a prime time network sitcom!

A sitcom? Yeah.

And this is a class act.

It all takes place in a taxi stand.

And you're gonna be the Fonzie.

I'm... Fonzie?

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no.

The Fonzie, the crazy, breakout character... who all the kids imitate, and they put him on the lunch boxes.

I hate sitcoms, George. I've never liked them. Hold on.

These guys have seen your foreign man character. Yeah?

And they wanna turn him... into a lovable, goofy mechanic... named--

Latka.

Uh, no. No?

No. No to which part?

No to the whole thing. It doesn't sound good to me.

Andy, this is every comedian's dream! I'm not a comedian.

A-And sitcoms are the lowest form of entertainment.

I mean, it's just... stupid jokes and canned laughter!

And you don't know why it's there, but it's there.

It's dead people laughing. Did you know that? Those people are dead!

This is-- This is classy.

I-I don't care.

I-I wanna generate my-my own material.

Look, I-listen. Listen to me.

Look, I've been in this business for 20 years!

I know. I've seen this! I know this.

If you pass up this opportunity, you will never, never see another one like it again.

Never!

Yeah.

Okay. I'll do it. Ah.

But I have some terms. Oh, sure.

That's-- That's what negotiations are all about.

What are you doing? I'm writing out my terms.

Wh-- What, are you making fun of me?

Those are my terms. Th-This is ridiculous.

It's what I need. It's what I need to do the show.

Wh-What is this? It says, "Four guaranteed guest spots for Tony Clifton."

Who's Tony Clifton? He's a Vegas lounge singer.

And, um, I used to do impressions of him, and we sort of got into a fight over it.

This Clifton called me. He did?

He's a loon! He hates you. No, no, no.

He just talks tough, but I owe him.

And if I'm the new Fonz, then ABC is just gonna have to... give me what I want!

Hey!

Mr. Kaufman will only appear in half the episodes of Taxi.

Mr. Kaufman requires an undisturbed 90 minutes of meditation prior to filming.

Uh, Mr. Kaufman gets his own network special.

And, uh, Taxi must guarantee... four guest appearances for Tony Clifton.

Who? Who?

Tony Clifton.

Who the hell is Tony Clifton?

Uh--

I don't know.

And now--

And now-- now Mama Rivoli's is proud to present... an international singing sensation!

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Clifton!

Ha!

Come on.

All right, all right!

Ladies and gentlemen, uh, due to Mr. Clifton's vocal constraints, out of respect for him, he asks that if you please extinguish... your smoking material, your cigars and cigarettes.

Goddamn! I paid ten bucks for that cigar!

Uh, I'm sorry.

Is he joking? And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Entertainment, Tony Clifton!

What does he think he's doing?

Vo...

...lare, whoa

Ca-wa-wa-wa-wa-wantare whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa No wonder my happy heart sings Your love has given me wings I got the wings of a dove I got the wings I got the chicken wings from Kentucky Fried--

Whoop-de-doo, whoop-de-di!

Stick a-a needle in your eye!

Oh, my God. Let's get somethin' straight, people.

I play big showrooms in Vegas.

I need this place like I need a shotgun blast to the face!

Now, let's go do wn andmeet some ofthe audience.

All right.

How are you all doin'? Where you from? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa! Somebody's wearin' a lot of perfume around here!

Must be that time of the month, huh?

Yeah, I know all the tricks. How are you doin'?

You havin' a-- You enjoyin' that pasta carbonara?

It appears that you are.

Whoops! Hey, look out! I think you sat in some cottage cheese.

Oh, pardon me. That's your ass.

Aww!

How you doin'? You enjoyin' the show?

Yeah. Huh?

Yeah. What's your name?

Bob.

Bob! Bo-o-ob!

Bo-o-ob! Bo-o-ob!

What's your last name? Up and down in the water? Ugh.

Huh?

Gorsky.

Gorsky? That Polish? Yeah.

You tryin' to do some Polish humor?

No, that's, uh-- Shut up!

That's just my name. Shut up!

I do not appreciate, uh, racial slurs!

I think them dumb Polacks been ridiculed enough.

I do a clean show here.

You wanna see some humor? Here's some humor right here.

Right there, okay? Awww!

Sit down and enjoy that, okay?

And you-- Shapiro!

I'll see you backstage, baldy.

Vo...

...lare

What do you want?

Just a little friendly conversation, George.

You hungry?

You look thin!

Y-You-You--

Italiano, cacciatore scallopini, pasta fazool

I don't understand this act.

It's good, old-fashioned entertainment, George. Everyone loves a villain.

What about that poor schlub you humiliated? Hey, man, excellent show.

That was a great show. Yeah, good show for you. Um, George.

This is, uh, my writer and old friend Bob Zmuda.

Hey, George. How are you? I'm Bob.

He's very creative. Yes.

I am the brains behind this operation. Dream on.

He once faked a lion escaping from the Chicago Zoo.

This was fantastic, George.

We got 40 actors tearin' through the zoo, they're all screamin'.

Closed the place down. "There's a fuckin' lion, man! A lion!"

Your name's not Gorsky.

Don't believe everything you hear, George.

This cannot leave this room.

Do not write this down, okay?

Tony Clifton is Andy Kaufman.

And Andy Kaufman is Tony Clifton.

They'll deny it up and down, but believe me, it's true.

This is great business.

You get two Andy Kaufmans for the price of one.

Andy. Andy. What's up?

They said yes. You're gettin' everything. Everything!

Bonus.

Whatever you want. Bonus! Thank you very much.

It was so good. I have to do Taxi, though, right?

You gotta do Taxi. Okay.

Party time for Latka?

Not until you take off those overalls. This is a good party.

No, no, Latka! Listen to me. Listen to me.

There's a drug in those cookies.

No!

No. No!

Bed?

I have never been so emotional... in all my life.

And this is for my mother, and this is for my father!

And this is for my grand father!

I hope you have a small family.

Ohh! Whee-ooh!

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much!

I'm gonna quit. What?

Every show is worse than the last one.

Forty million people are watching your ass every week, Kaufman.

What do they know? Absolutely nothing! And that's the beauty.

Man, look, it's credibility.

You make them love you now, and then later on, on your special, you can fuck with their heads.

The sky is the limit, man.

Oh, yeah? I don't care!

Sir, there 's a problem down on the Kaufman special.

They say he's not following the technical requirements. Technical?

Thanks for coming on my show.

Thanks for having me on your show, Andy.

Right now, roll it! No.

It's my special! I have creative control. Now roll it!

No! Do it, man!

Hey, Andy! Hi. Be careful, please.

Only positive energy allowed beyond this point.

I've been hearing fabulous things about the special.

What, did we hit a little speed bump?

Mm-hmm, and his name is Colin.

Kid Genius told me to mess with the vertical hold.

Show me. Show him.

Show him, Colin.

Thanks for having me on your show, Andy.

Boy, it sure--

It'll be great. People will think their TV is broken.

They'll get out of their chairs, walk over to the TV, twist the knobs, call the TV store.

"I paid a lot of money for that TV!"

They'll bang on the television, but they won't be able to fix it!

Andy. Andy.

We don't want the viewers to get out of their chairs.

But it's funny.

It's a practical joke.

The viewer must be able to see the program.

But-- But it's only gonna be for 30 seconds.

Five. Twenty.

Ten.

Deal.

Okay, Andy. Ten seconds, huh? Ten seconds, okay.

Okay. Okay.

Ten seconds is all I really wanted. Ten seconds is perfect.

You know, Howdy, I've been watching you since I was a little boy.

I didn't even know what television was.

Oh, look at how cute he is, huh? Isn't this great?

That is so moving. You're as real as anyone else on the show.

And I love you. I really do.

This is not funny.

This is artsy-fartsy shit. I mean, what--

This is the magical part of the show. The show's not all like this.

It's hysterical. It gets very funny.

For Christ's sakes, we're the number one network. Can't we afford a decent TV?

No, no, no, th-that's part of the show.

This is part of the show? Yes.

What do you mean, it's part of the show?

Th-That's the way Andy wants it, with the rolling.

Thanks, Andy. I love you too.

Tell Kaufman this network will never air this program.

Hey, that's Andy Kaufman.

Do you wanna bet?

Hey. Hey.

Hey, excuse me. Are you Andy Kaufman?

I get that all the time.

Andy.

This is ridiculous.

Take off that apron.

No. I'd rather work here than at ABC.

Ah, I'm sorry. They're a bunch of assholes. Yeah.

We work in a creative business. There's no telling what people are gonna like or dislike.

The only reason why I did Taxi-- the only reason-- was so that I could have my own special.

I know. I'll tell you what.

Let me book you some colleges now, and then I'll take the special around.

I'll show it to people and see if anybody wants to buy it.

We'll have a garage sale. No, I'm over and out.

You know, you're not over and out. I am over and out.

You can't be over and out. I'll show you over and out.

You've got a deal with ABC. You've gotta honor it.

All right. How much longer's left on my contract?

You signed for five years, so... four years and seven months.


Thank you.

It's really great to be here.

We're gonna have a great show tonight.

Really good one!

We're gonna-- We're gonna start by singing some songs.

Do Latka! Yeah, Latka!

Come on, Latka!

Latka! Latka! Latka!

Latka! Latka! Excuse me for one second.

I saw that. What?

Give me the book. What book? No, I'm not going to give you the book.

Is something wrong? No, everything's okay. Fine.

Can I squeeze your nuts? Thanks. Ohh!

They're askin' for it.

Ladies and gentlemen, since you're such a... special audience--

Yeah!

I'm going to reveal for the very first time, ever, the real me.

That's right.

Ahem. I'm actually British.

And though I dabble in clowning, I do find it so boorish, so... American.

I prefer the fine arts, henceforth, today...

I am going to grace you with a reading... of one of the greatest novels ever written, The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Please.

"In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.

'Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone,' he told me, Latka! 'just remember that all the people of this world...

Latka! haven't had the advantages that you've had.'

But he'd always been unusually communicative in a reserved way, and I understood that he meant... a great deal more than that."

Thank you very much.

Yeah!

"In consequence, I'm inclined to reserve all judgments, a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me... and also made me the victim of not a few veteran bores."

Oh, come on! No, no. No, no.

No, no, please keep it down. We've got a long way to go.

"They were the same people, or at least the same sort of people, the same profusion of--"

I tell you what.

Would you rather I kept reading, or do you prefer to hear the phonograph record?

Record!

I'm sorry. I can't hear you. Record!

Are you positive? Yeah!

Very well then. Yeah, "Mighty Mouse"!

"His presence gave the evening it's quality of oppressiveness.

It stands out in my memory from Gatsby's other parties that summer."

The green light, the orgiastic future... that year by year recedes before us.

Tomorrow--

Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch our arms out further, and one fine morning, so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly... into the past."

The end.

All right!


You wanna play Arizona State?

You give 'em Mighty Mouse. You give 'em Elvis.

I-I gave them The Great Gatsby. Yes.

F. Scott Fitzgerald's best work. A classic.

His finest piece of work. I don't care.

Andy.

Andy, you have to look inside and ask this question.

Who are you trying to entertain?

The audience or yourself?

Excuse me.

Ah.

Bob. Bob, I'm-I'm-- What, George?

I'm worried about Andy.

This is not good. His stress level is affecting his work.

Calm down, George. That's not gonna help anything.

Look, uh, Tony Clifton is gonna go on Taxi next week.

That should, uh, let him blow off steam and relieve the stress.

Bob, Bob, Bob. Okay?

Andy needs to relax. This is your job.

You have to take him away from all of this. My job.

Would you come on? Okay.

Sh--

Hi. How are you doin' today? Fine.

Hello. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

How are you? Peachy.

Oh.

Yeah

What do-- What do we do now? Now you pick.

But what if I... hurt somebody's feelings?

For Christ's sake, you're not gonna hurt anybody's feelings.

They're-- They're all professionals. All right?

Okay.

All right. Which one?

I will have both!

I will have this fraulein und the one with the big strudels.

Mach schnell, mach schnell!

Oh, no. Zmuda, I'm gonna kill you.

Excellent choice.

Hi. Hi.

Are you having a good day?

It's kind of a big day.

It's my buddy's first time with a prostitute.

What are you talkin' about? Andy comes here almost every weekend.

Who, Andy?

Oh, he doesn't always call himself that.

Sometimes he's Tony, and he wears a tux.

Yeah Oh, ho!

Hey, um,

if-- if I gave you both... three hundred dollars, would you, um,

come to Hollywood and help me destroy a TV show?

Five hundred.

What am I, Harry Houdini, huh?

Oh, we busted through. Come on, girls.

Welcome to the Follies "Bree-gere."

Okay, here's the man. Tony Clifton. Taxi, laxy.

Just the factsy, Maxie. Hi.

Hey, hot shot. How you doin'?

Ed Weinberger. Take a hike! Okay, all right, huh?

All right.

What are we doin', huh? Here's your script, uh, Tony.

That's the script I was given? Yeah.

That's the one I have to do? Okay, let me see.

Okay, bullshit, bullshit, my line.

Bullshit, bullshit, my line.

Ohh! Ha-ha!

That's hilarious! That is hilarious!

I reviewed that script last night and I was not satisfied.

Yeah, well-- I was not satisfied.

Why don't we-- So I made a few changes.

I stayed up all night with these sweet ladies right here.

This is Lemonade.

That'll keep you going on a hot day. Can we get to work?

And this is Melonia. How's my little produce department?

Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk.

This is the new Taxi theme song.

Oh, yes we drive a taxi Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aah-aah-aah-aah-ahh!

George.

Now, I can't afford to blow this whole episode, so... we have to let him go.

I'm not sure how Andy's gonna take this.

We'll just have to go down and tell him.

But-But that's Tony down there. It's not Andy.

I don't give a fuck who that is. I'm gonna fire him.

Okay. All right.

But we better warn Andy first.

He's up in San Francisco doin' a concert.

I'll call my secretary.

Diane, this is George.

I'm trying to reach Andy up in San Francisco. Okay.

I'll patch you through. I'll wait.

Hello. Andy, I'm gonna put you on the speaker.

Hello, Andy. Hi. Hello ?

I'm here with Ed over at Taxi. Hi, Ed.

Hi, Andy. How are you?

I'm fine. Good.

Andy, there's been some trouble with Tony. Oh, no.

Did-- Did he get hurt?

No. Andy, it's nothing like-- No.

Did he hurt someone else? No, no. It's not that.

Andy, uh, the reason I'm calling you like this... is I have the utmost respect for your artistry.

Well, may I say that I've always appreciated that, Ed.

Thank you, but you see, in this instance, um, I have to ask your permission to fire Tony.

Oh, my.

George, this is gonna kill Tony.

He's waited for this his whole life. There'll be other shots.

Yeah, we have to do this. He's just a terrible actor.

Okay, but please, let him down gently.

Trust us.

Fuck you! I'm not goin'!

We had a deal.

I don't know who you talked to. I didn't talk to anybody.

You must have talked to someone else! I was talkin' to Andy Kaufman!

I don't know no Andy Kaufman! Okay.

Security, get in here!

Security!

Aah.

Don't hurt him!

He's a talented man! I don't want any pictures leaving this set.

Hey, give me that! This is Zmuda! He's one of 'em!

You guys ever go to Vegas, Yeah, yeah. you're not gettin' in!

Hey, come back! Give me the camera! Come here!

Give me the camera! What?

I got 20 bucks says you work for me now!

I would like to use the phone!

Not on the lot, sir. How 'bout a bathroom? I may have shit my pants.

Drink of water? Aspirin? Nope.

Moist towelette? No.

In that case, it has been an honor. "Good-bee"!

This is great!

This is too much, man.

It makes Tony real, gives him three dimensions.

It's good for his career, George.

Oh, really? You wanna book Tony Clifton at Harrah's Tahoe.

I know the college kids really like Andy Kaufman.

No, no, no. L-Look, Gene, let me be really clear about this.

If you book Tony, do not expect to get Andy.

Yeah, yeah, well, I'll take my chances, all right?

All right. Be my guest. Book him.

Shut up!

Shut the hell up, all of ya!

You make one more sound, I'll come down there and put your frickin' head in the soup!

Whew.

When I go like this, it means I-I expect total silence!

There is an artiste on stage.

That's better.

Oh, whether I'm right Or whether I'm wrong Oh, whether I find a place in this world Or never belong I've got to be me I've gotta be me Willing to try to do it or die Yaah! Hah! Aah!

What?

Thank you very much!

Thank you. I do all my own stunts.

I've got to be Eeee Eeee-eee

What the hell's goin' on?

Kaufman?

Kaufman's crappin' on my act!

Where's it say Kaufman's in the act?

May I borrow this for a second? Oh, no.

No!

Ah, now you are all wet, huh?

You look like you could use a little drink up there.

Why don't you go on, get out of here!

Why don't you just take off, Kaufman!

Get out of here, little drummer boy!

Stay!

I've got to be Don't leave, Andy! Come back!

Eeee Go home! Volare Whoa-oh Ca-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa wantare Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Uhh! Ah!

Jesus Christ. Close the goddamn door. Close it!

Oh. Look at you.

You're so proud.

You're like some stupid kid who comes home from school--

"Look, Dad, I got an 'F.'"

But wasn't it funny?

"Yes, it was funny, Andy. It was."

Yes, it was funny for a little while, until the audience realized that Tony wasn't you.

Oh. Mmm. Ohhh!

So what do you have here?

A big, elaborate joke that's only funny to two people in the universe-- you and you.

Yeah, sure, George, yeah, and we happen to think that it's hilarious.

But what's the point? What is the point?

It's fun, George!

How is this gonna make you the biggest star in the world?

George... at this point the audience expects me to completely shock them all the time.

But short of faking my own death or setting the theater on fire, I don't know what else to do.

'Cause I've always gotta be one step ahead of them.

Whoa-ohh!

It's like ballet. Whoa!

Did you see that?

Bam!

...dropped to the canvas--

These guys are brilliant. I wanna be a bad guy wrestler in the worst way.

I hate to break it to you, but the problem here is you don't have the build for it.

These guys are huge.

They would kick your ass.

Maybe I can pick on someone a little smaller than me.

No, no. Women are superior to men in many ways.

That's right.

When it comes to cooking, cleaning, washing potatoes, scrubbing the carrots, making the babies, mopping the floors, they have it all over men.

But when it comes to wrestling--

Shut up!

Be quiet when a man is talking!

If there is a woman here tonight who can come up here and prove me wrong, I will shut my mouth and pay her $500.

I can do it!

Right here!

First come, first served!

Come on! You wanna take me?

Come on up here.

What's your name, sweetheart? Lynne.

Lynne. We got Lynne as a volunteer.

Lynne, sweetheart, pay attention. You're pathetic!

We'll see about that, Suzy Q I want no kicking, biting, scratching, head butts. Do you understand?

Why? He's gonna play fair? lam not concerned with him.

He is a professional. It's up to you to pin me.

Yes, I understand. Very good. Could we please shake hands.

Oooh!

Come out wrestling when you hear the bell.

You see? You see this?

Yeah! Whoa!

Hey, no choke holds! I told you!

Yeah! Come on!

Oww!

I said, break it up, Kaufman!

First warning! For what?

You pulled her hair! You won't be getting a second warning!

Shut up!

I am the champion! No woman can beat--

Ohh!

Ohh! Come on! Ohh!

One! Two!

Three! That is it!

It is over! It is over! That is it!

You are out! You are down!

The winner and undisputed intergender wrestling champion of the world, Andy Kaufman!

I am the winner!

I've got the brains!

Ma'am, here is your complimentary photo of Merv. Thank you.

And your Turtle Wax. I don't want Turtle Wax.

Every guest of Merv takes Turtle Wax.

And here is your gift voucher to Red Lobster. Thank you so much.

Hey, hey, hey. I just wanted to thank you for doing such a great job.

I really appreciate it. Don't patronize me.

Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

I hope you don't take everything I did in there seriously.

It's just part of the show.

It's like the old days of the carnival barker... when he'd get the crowd all riled up.

So you just pretend to be an asshole?

That's what I'm good at.

Yeah, you are.

You are really, really good at it. You are.

Merv Griffin got 2,000 pieces of hate mail.

Don't make me laugh, George.

Andy, Merv does not get hate mail.

That means we're a success.

Oh.

We got the room all worked up, like punk rock.

They detest you.

The next time you make an appearance, women are gonna picket.

Do you think so?

Yes, because you have not given them any clues that this is a parody.

That's because I've only done it once. They'll get used to it.

Because I'm gonna do it again and again... and again and again and again and again--

Oh, Rose Marie I love you

I'm always dreaming Of you No matter what I do Aaah! No matter what I do I can't forget you Sometimes I wish that I'd Never met you

And yet if I Should lose you Time out!

It would mean my very life What's your problem? To me All right, you are out of here!

Of all the queens that ever lived I choose you To rule me My Rose Marie Two adults, please. Thank you.

You want some popcorn? Um, no, thank you.

I really want one.

Um, a large tub of popcorn, please. Extra butter.

Why did you call me? You are the last person I expected to call me.

Gosh, uh-- Gee, Lynne, I mean--

I was just so impressed with your wrestling moves.

Yeah, you're impressed with something.

You had a huge boner on national television. Oh, man!

Yes, you did! Come on.

I had it taped down and everything.

I hope I didn't offend you.

I'm here, aren't I?

Hey, wanna go to Memphis and get married?

Do I wanna go to Memphis and get married?

Mm-hmm. Wh--

Why Memphis?

Because Memphis is the wrestling capital of the world.

I'll get up in the ring... and I'll announce that I'll marry the first woman who beats me.

Then you can get up, we'll wrestle, I'll let you win--

You'll let me win? I'll let you win. I'll let you.

Then we'll run off and get married on the David Letterman show.

God! Okay?

What do you say?

Is this for real?

Shut up! Boo!

Shut up!

I demand silence when I am talking!

Total lack of respect from Mr. Hollywood--

If there is one woman here tonight who thinks she can defeat me, that lucky little lady... will get to marry me!

Let me ask you, folks-- What kind of man would wrestle a woman anyway?

Kaufman!

Kaufman! Oooh.

Whoo! I'll take you on, you sissy.

Whoa! The little lady is upset!

Well, let me tell you something, baby.

Go back to the kitchen where you belong before you get hurt.

You get in the kitchen, 'cause I'm gonna make you do my dishes!

Hey! Stop it! Stop it!

This woman is a fake!

She's nothing more than Andy Kaufman's girlfriend.

What? Well, there you go.

That's not true! That's not true!

Faker!

That is not true! Oh, yeah, that's true. This is all a setup.

I'm not gonna allow you to make fools out of all these people.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Jerry Lawler, the king of Memphis wrestling!

He's the King.

Hey, Kaufman, if you wanna wrestle somebody, I brought a real wrestler.

She's trained, and she's ready!

Let's see if you can handle Foxy Jackson!

Oh, my!

Foxy Jackson and Andy Kaufman right here, one-on-one!

I never agreed to this! I will not do this!

Lawler, I did not agree to this. This is against the rules!

I don't think that Kaufman is prepared for Foxy Jackson.

Kick his butt! Mr. Hollywood.

Again, Kaufman showing a total lack of respect.

Foxy Jackson's gonna take Kaufman to the woodshed, folks.

Kaufman's hangin' on the ropes like a little baby.

Foxy's about to take Kaufman right out of his shorts!


One, two-- Can you believe it?

I got her! Get off of her!

Get him off of her. Come on!

Now there goes the King.

Oh, the King just threw Kaufman down like a rag doll!

The King took matters into his own hands!

What are you doing?

I do not wrestle men!

I am gonna sue you, Lawler!

I am a national TV star, and I don't like dumb, stupid crackers... coming in the ring, pushing me around!

I did not agree to wrestle you! I did not agree!

This is assault and battery, and I'm gonna get a team of lawyers to sue you... and your children and your children's children.

Let me tell you something, Kaufman.

Wrestling's a very serious sport to me, and I don't appreciate some jerk like you trying to make fun of it.

And I certainly don't appreciate a jerk like you trying to make fun of people from the South!

So we can go to court, or you can get in the ring with a man and wrestle for real!

Oh, you wanna "rassle" me?

You wanna "rassle" me Memphis style?

Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Lawler-- I am gonna make you scream for mercy!

Come on, Kaufman!

They didn't know what hit them! Oh!

Is it an act? Is it an act?

Or are you just addicted to causing trouble?

I can quit anytime I want, baby!

You know what? I'm not a prop.

Don't ever treat me like that again.

I'm sorry. Hey. Hey.

Uh, I just get caught up, that's all.

Sometimes I get lost.

Please, Andy, enough with the wrestling.

You don't think I can beat him?

He's the Southern heavyweight champion. He'll kill you.

I don't know.

I've wrestled women bigger than him, and I've mopped the floor with them.

First you piss off women. Then you piss off the South.

Then you get killed, and I did the booking.

Funny.

Listen, I got this job that I want you to take.

It's guest-hosting the TV show Fridays.

It's not a great TV show, but it'll be good for you.

It's live, they'll give you carte blanche... and you get back in the business of making people laugh.

You said live? Live.

I don't do drug humor.

Andy, it's fine. This is what the show is all about.

Kids love this stuff.

I don't do drugs, and I don't enjoy making light of them.

I was promised creative control.

Nobody promised you creative control.

I got you the script three days ago, and you haven't said a damn word until today.

We're going live in a few minutes. It's too late.

Let's go! Bring the audience in!

Live from the Los Angeles Basin, Janice, it 's on! it 's Fridays!

Andy Kaufman!

In this sketch, two married couples are out to dinner.

Everybody has secretly brought along a joint.

Carl was the last one to sneak to the bathroom to get a little high, and now he's coming back to the table.

Gee, restaurants are amazing, aren't they?

Strangers sitting around, stuffing dead animals into their faces.

It's incredible, isn't it?

Yeah, gee, and... the bathrooms... are... so... colorful--

Everything okay... Carl?

I'm sorry. I-- I just... can't do it.

I-- I can't play stoned.

Read the cue cards.

I can't play stoned.

I-- I feel... stupid.

You feel stupid? What about us?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Andy.

You didn't have to do that.

Cut it out!

Oh-- You jerk!

Okay, that's it. Go to commercial now.

I told you I didn't want to do this sketch. Kaufman, get off my stage.

Don't you touch me! You're a nut!

Break it up! A nut!

Settle down.

Oh, why does Andy do that? Why? Why?

I started using Suave--

We've gone to commercial!

Excuse me! You're never gonna work at ABC again!

Excuse me! Ladies and gentlemen, please.

You have all just participated in a happening.

Oh!

Now, okay, you know, to make it real, some of you down there knew what was going on and some of you didn't.

But we don't want to upset the folks at home, so now Andy is going to tell them that it was all just a prank.

Coming back from commercial, and--

During the commercials, the people at ABC told me to explain to you... that this whole fight episode was staged.

Oh, good. It's a lie!

It's a cover-up!

Why are you laughing? I don't understand. I'm not being funny now.

What you saw was real!

No, these-- these things happen all the time at the networks, only they cut away.

Cut to commercial. You see?

You see?

For sure they're gonna fire me, so if you want to see me again you'll have to come to Memphis--

Ho ho ho Green Giant What's in Memphis?

The Giant's flavor-tight pouch Lets you--

That kid is totally meshuga.

Jerry Lawler!

The most popular athlete... in the history of Memphis, Tennessee, stepping inside a squared circle.

At 236 pounds, Jerry "The King" Lawler!

"March And Fanfare"] And introducing, at 191 pounds,

the holder of the world intergender championship, here is Andy Kaufman!

You can hear the ovation, or lack of one, for Andy Kaufman.

The cheers turned to jeers.

Lawler is gonna settle a score for each and every one of us, because we've all been insulted by this hideous Andy Kaufman from Hollywood, California.

The referee assigned to this bout--

Before we begin this event, I just want to say a couple of things to you disgusting people!

Oh, come on. That's just not right.

Are you listening to me?

Okay!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a bar of soap.

Say it with me.

"Soap."

All you have to do is wet this bar of soap... and wipe your hands with it... and rub it on your body, and soon that disgusting, filthy dirt will come off!

Why is he saying these things?

He's just engaging the audience. He's riling them up.

They are going to lynch him.

And now for lesson two!

This is toilet paper!

Oh, good grief!

You just--

I'm gonna tell you something, Kaufman-- we've had enough of your crap!

Let's do what we came here to do. Let's wrestle right now!

Well, here we go. The King is ready.

And I hope, for Kaufman's sake, he's ready.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Kaufman's due a trip to the old woodshed here.

Now, I never thought I'd see the day that--

Yeah, look at Kaufman.

Yeah, Kaufman doesn't want any part of Lawler.

He's an absolute embarrassment to humanity, this man from Hollywood.

You see? I am from Hollywood!

Who cares? I have the brains!

Nobody cares where you're from!

I'm the king I'm the king I'm the king of Memphis, Tennessee Andy, please, let's go home!

Don't worry, Mom. I'll make you proud.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh-oh, Kaufman got nailed with something.

Some fan threw something. Who did that?

Who did that?

You cannot touch me! I will sue you! Hey, Kaufman!

I make more money in one day than you do... Kaufman! in your entire lives combined!

Kaufman!

Did you come down here to wrestle or act like an ass?

Now get in the ring. I'll give you a free headlock. Okay? Come on!

Lawler seems to be willing to offer a free hold of some kind.

No, no. Drop it now, Andy!

It's okay! It's okay!

Let Kaufman get in there, and let's see what kind of man he is.

One, two, three--

I can't believe that the King is gonna go through with this.

That big-mouth son of a gun has got a free headlock!

Business may pick up here.

I did it! This is for real!

Uh-oh. Oh, look out, Kaufman!

Oh, there he goes! Oh, my!

Kaufman in trouble!

Look out! Look out!

The King folded him up like an accordion that time.

Now the King is asking this crowd... if they want to see the pile driver.

That's illegal.

Kaufman is out of it!

Oh, my! Oh, my!

It's gonna be a pile driver!

There it is!

Oh! Andy!

He's hurt bad.

That's an automatic disqualification right there. Lawler, you--

Well, Kaufman wins it, but he doesn't look like a winner right now.

Come on! Keep it clear. Keep it clear.

Hey, George. Hey, Lorne.

Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. Oh, please.

Right, I wanted to talk to you about, uh, putting Andy back on Saturday Night Live.

I don't know whether Andy works on the show anymore.

I mean, the wrestling stuff is-- Yeah, yeah.

Just, I think it's worn-- The wres--

Yeah, we all agree, uh, completely about the wrestling.

That's smart.

Yeah, uh--

Andy is very sincere. Right.

He's gonna apologize to Jerry Lawler and repent for all his bad guy shenanigans.

I apologize for all the wrestling I've ever done.

I'm sorry for all the grief I've ever given.

I was just playing bad guy wrestler, you know. It's just a role. It's not me.

So, I guess Jerry just, um, um, took it personally.

Yeah, but, uh, I mean, you said some pretty inflammatory things.

Right. Everything's a joke to this guy. Just like that thing.

I don't know if that's a neck brace or a flea collar. That's not true.

This is serious. I went to the hospital.

I was in the hospital three days, in traction.

I'll tell you something else.

My father said I could've hired a lawyer and sued you for everything you've got.

But I didn't because I'm not that kind of guy.

What kind of guy are you?

Tell you what-- I think maybe I'll get a lawyer here.

If you were a man, you'd apologize to me right now.

But you're just poor white trash, so I guess that's too lofty a concept for you.

I mean, what are you gonna do--

Are we, uh-- Is everything-- Are you okay? Huh?

This-- I'm sick of this shit, Lawler.

I'm gonna sue you for everything you've got, I swear to God.

Fuck you! Okay? Okay, Lawler?

Fuck you! I'm sorry, Dave.

I know I'm not supposed to say those things on television.

I apologize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But you, you are a m-ing -hole!

Okay?

Well--

Well--

I, uh--

I, I think you can use some of those words on television, but what you can't do is throw coffee.

Some of us at Saturday Night Live... think Andy Kaufman's a comic genius.

But others disagree.

They say he's just not funny anymore.

So we're leaving the decision up to you.

To keep Andy, call 1-900-555-7618.

To dump him--

This is bad.

I, um, only got 28%.

This is Saturday Night Live, the hippest audience in television.

They turned on you.

Look, it pains me to say this, but I don't think you two guys should ever work together again.

I'm sorry, George. We just thought it was funny.

You don't have to be sorry, Jerry.

You're-- You're terrific.

You're just the best.

I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

To me, this was a shining moment for wrestling.

Me too. And--

And it was a shining moment for behavioral science.

Hey, well-- But why can't I make a gag out of this?

I mean, maybe I could go on the show and I could say... it was rigged and I demand a recount.

Andy, you don't understand.

They don't want you back.

Now close your eyes.

If the thoughts of this world come into your head, don't be upset by them.

It's just your stress unraveling itself.

Just slowly come back to the mantra.

Andy?

Please?

Just continue your meditation. I'll be back.

Jai Guru Dev. Jai Guru Dev.

Hi, Andy.

Hi.

This is, uh, very difficult for me to say.

Uh, but we-- we feel that it's best... if you don't attend the retreat.

Why?

I go to the retreat every year.

Oh, I know, Andy, and we don't doubt your devotion to Transcendental Meditation.

It's just that we feel that, well, you and the program... have, uh, g-grown apart, uh--

Philosophically.

"Philosophically"? What's "philosophically"?

Well, Andy, the wrestling, the sexist remarks, the foul language, they're just not becoming of an individual of spiritual enlightenment.

It seems you just don't respect anything.

Of course I do.

I just-- I think of the world as, as an illusion, and we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously.

Don't--

Don't, please, do this.

You've got to let me attend these classes. It's what keeps me balanced.

I-It's apparently not working.

Then, then help me. Help me, okay? Guide me.

Andy... we just don't wish your presence here.

Hi.

I brought you some Haagen-Dazs.

I don't deserve Haagen-Dazs.

I'm-- I'm a badperson.

Oh.

You aren't a bad person.

You are a complicated person.

You don't know the real me.

There isn't a real you.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Baby.

Do you want to move in with me?

What?

Say it again.

Oh, Rose Marie I love you I'm always Dreaming of you

I'll get it.

Kaufman and Marguiles Center for Sexual Research.

Andy, it's George.

Hey, George. I'm not sure we can do anything for you.

Yeah. Uh, Andy, uh, I got some crummy news.

Oh.

Taxi's been canceled.

And the crummy news?

Do you want me to come over, we'll talk about it?

Um, no. I'm sorta busy right now.

I'll see you next week, though.

Thanks.

Put it right there.

Yuck.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a treat for staying late, please welcome, from Taxi, the Improv's own Mr. Andy Kaufman!

Actually, Bud, you're wrong.

I found out today that Taxi has been canceled.

What?

Not to mention that my wife left me, and she took the kids.

I don't understand why you're laughing. I'm not joking.

And then this morning I got up and I noticed that I have, um, a cyst or some kind of boil... on the back of my neck.

Look.

See?

So I was thinking, since I'm still kind of a quasi-celebrity, that maybe I could charge people to touch it.

Would anybody like to pay a dollar to touch my cyst?

I'm serious. I could really use the money right now.

It 's a good deal.

Oh, okay.

Oh, wait, no. You gotta pay first.

It 's a dollar... to touch my celebrity cyst.

Okay.

Oww!

Thank you. You're welcome.

Thank you very much.

W-Would Andy like to tell us... why he called us out at 4:00 in the morning?

Um... yeah.

Uh, I have cancer.

Forget it. Forget it!

That is-- That is in terrible taste.

I don't wanna have anything to do with this. Nothing.

No, no, no, that's good. We can make that play.

Okay, and we'll really-- We'll just drag it out. All right?

Y- You get better, you get worse.

No, you die, and then, uh, you come back to life.

That's funny.

That's funny, but, um, it's not a gag, Bob.

I got cancer. I got lung cancer.

Lung cancer.

That's ridiculous. You don't even smoke.

I've got some freaky rare kind.

It's called large-celled carcinoma.

Yea!

I'm a lucky guy.

Have you told your family? No. No.

I don't want to tell them.

I've just...

jerked them around so much.

Andy, look in my eye... and tell me this is true.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hey.

I'm sorry.

Lynne? Come on. Hey. Hey, hey.

Wait up.

If I find out that you're behind this, I'll kill you, Zmuda!

What the hell are you talkin' about, George?

I was the one who just said I didn't believe him.

That's just the kind of thing you two would work out to fuck me up.

Man] We want the truth, boy!

My father said Lassie bit me, so I said she did too.

Lassie never bit you, and you know it. Case dismissed!

Dramatic]

Dad?

The cancer started in Andy's lungs... and spread to his left arm.

We've initiated an aggressive radiation program.

See if we can eradicate the affected cells. Dr. Sullivan, line one.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

What a crock.

How dare you make light of this?

I cried when he broke his neck. He's not getting me again.

Jesus Christ, Carol, he's got lung cancer.

He wants us scratching our heads, asking ourselves, "Is this real?"

Of course it 's real. We 're in a hospital.

Mom, it 's Cedars-Sinai.

It's a show biz hospital.

Andy's studio friends, they probably run this place.

He plans these things. He takes over and hires actors.

Personally, I don't think that doctor guy was very convincing.

His costume had the wrong shoes. Didn't even have doctor shoes.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's bullshit.

No more Kaufman stories. He's burned us too many times.

A very reliable source told me Andy Kaufman has lung cancer.

Oh, please. He's definitely not dying.

Now those big white cells are attacking the cancer cells.

Attacking.

Attacking.

I see them. I see the white cells.

Attacking. Attacking.

Attacking. Attacking.

He's an actor.

I-I recognize him from The In-Laws.

Yeah. That's true.

But he's also ordained in holistic medicine.

Oh.

George, what am I supposed to do?

I'm sick and I'm trying to get better, but everybody's looking at me funny.

I feel like I'm being surrounded by negative energy.

You're surrounded by what you create.

Great. Andy, you're the king of negative energy.

And it's gotta stop. Andy.

'Cause if these negative vibes get out, everybody's gonna be talking about how sick I am, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How can I help you?

I wanna go back to work.

You wanna tour the clubs? No. No clubs.

I wanna reach the top.

Carnegie Hall!

I want this show to build and build.

I want it to be everything that's joyful in the world piled one on top of the other, until the audience can't stand it and they turn into children right in front of me.

I might even have Santa Claus. Oh, yeah.

You can say, "Santa, what am I getting for Christmas this year?"

And he says "Cancer." No, that--

No, that's-- I don't wanna do that. That's a bummer.

Uh, okay, positive, positive. Okay--

Look, this is really, um, great--

Santa and snow and-- Yeah.

But it's gonna cost a fortune.

That's okay. Not a problem.

Well, who's gonna pay for it, Andy? Tony Clifton.

Oh.

Andy, you know, Tony doesn't have that kind of money.

Don't you worry about that, George.

I know Tony better than you do, and even if he has to work another ten years to pay it off, he'll do it.

Abu-dabi Abi-dabu-ah Abu-dabi Abi-dabu-ah Abi-dabi-dabu-eh Abi-dabi-dabu-eh Abu-day Abu-day A-ki-chay-wah A-ki-chay-wah Yaken-bu-day Yaken-bu-day Ichen-di-bich Ichen-di-bich Yaki-di-shika-tala- ga-bola-ga-deba-ga-dili- ga-bohhhhhhhhhhhh Ohhhhhhhhhh Abu-dabi Abi-dabu-ah

I got spurs that jingle-j angle-j ingle As I go ridin' merrily along And they sing Oh, ain't you glad you're single Ladies and gentlemen, we are so very fortunate tonight, because we have with us... the last surviving cowgirl from that 1931 film.

She's 94 years young.

Eleanor Cody Gould.

I got spurs that jingle-jangle-jingle As I go ridin' merrily along Hi, Eleanor. It's great to have you here. It's a real honor.

Thank you, Andy. I'm delighted to be here. It's overwhelming to me.

Well, it 's gonna get even better, because we found one of the old original hobby horses from your movie.

Do you think you could grace us with a couple of steps from "Jingle, Jangle, Jingle"?

Oh, I don't think-- Okay, hit it!

"Jingle, Jangle, Jingle"]

Faster! Come on!

Faster! Faster!

Faster! Come on!

Faster! Faster! Faster!

Faster!

Oh!

Andy, stop! Andy!

Is there a doctor in the house? Stop the music!

-- Uh, we need a doctor.

Anyone? Please?

Can you call us an ambulance?


Praise the Lord!

She's alive! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Ladies and gentlemen, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!

Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus Right down Santa Claus lane Oh, my gosh!

Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer I can't believe this!

It's the Rockettes!

Are pulling on the reins Bells are ringing Children singing All is merry and bright Hang your stocking and say your prayers

'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight Here comes Santa Claus Boys and girls, you're not gonna believe this!

Here comes Santa Claus!

He's got a bag that's filled with toys For the boys and girls again Hear those sleigh bells jingle-jangle What a beautiful sight Jump in bed Cover up your head Since you've all been such good boys and girls, I would like to take everybody in this entire audience out... for milk and cookies!

There are buses outside! Everybody follow me!

Don't worry, folks! There's enough milk and cookies for everyone!

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Merry Christmas!


And now we'll place the blue crystal.

Very high vibrations, and it's wonderful, wonderful... for its healing powers.

Okay. Let's try two of those.

And another pink one.

All right.

Hah!

Looks like somethin' my dog puked up.

How 'bout me and you dolls go out and get some real food?

Sure.

French fries and a porterhouse steak.

Or we could skip the meal and go right to the "montage a trois."

Have you ever been with another woman?

Well, like, in the kitchen and stuff, yeah.

Okay, hey, here. This'll help.

Ah!

Okay. Here. Put that on your face.

Yeah. There you go.

Hi. Now you can't even tell the difference.

Well, we could put all of this together in a soup.

Then we could pretend it's a porterhouse steak, Andy.

I am not Andy.

Andy is sick.

Chick, pick, wick, lick!

Dick!

Whereas I am getting stronger and stronger.

Hi, Andy. Hey.

Hey.

You wanna wrestle?

Bob and I... came up...

with a-- an idea for a TV show.

It'll be a Saturday morning kind of thing... where I can goof off with the kids.

Yeah.

We can sell that, Andy.

Did your doctor say it's okay... to go back to work?

No, but he will.

Yeah.

'Cause...

I'm going to the Philippines.

The Philippines? What's in the Philippines?

A miracle.


I just want to say, until we meet again... please remember--

In this friendly friendly world With each day so full of joy Why should any heart Be lonely In this friendly friendly world With each night so full of dreams Why should any heart Be afraid

Yep, it's a friendly world.

We should all treat each other like brothers and sisters.

So everybody put your arm around the person sitting next to you... and sway back and forth in rhythm to the music.

Come on. Everybody.

Even if you don't like the person sitting next to you. Okay?

When I say "okay," you say "Okay!" Okay?

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Everybody sing, "The world is such a wonderful place."

The world is such a wonderful place To wander through Follow the bouncing ball.

When you've got someone you love To wander along with you With the sky so full of stars.

With the sky so full of stars And the river so full of song. River so full of song Every heart should be So thankful Thankful for this friendly, friendly world.

Thankful for this friendly, friendly World

Thank you... for this friendly, friendly world.

Thank you... and good-bye.

Andy! Ohh!

-- Andy!

Andy! Andy!

Andy? You guys wanna see Andy tonight?

Anybody got a flashlight and a couple of shovels?

Okay, guys, let's do our dirt!

First I was afraid I was putrefied Kept thinkin' I could never live Without you by my side But then I spent so many nights A-thinkin' how you did me wrong And I grew strong Mid-tempo Disco]

And I learned to get along And now I'm back From outer space I just walked in to find you here With that sad look upon your face I should've changed that stupid lock I should've asked you for the key If I'd have known for just one second You'd be back to bother me Go on now, go Walk out the door Don't turn around now You're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one that tried to hurt me with "good-bye"

Did you think I'd crumble Did you think I'd lay down and die Oh, no, not I I will "sur-vivvy"

As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay "aleeve"

I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give I will "sur-veev"

I will "sur-veev"

I will "sur- veev"

I Will

"Sur-veev"

I will survive! I will survive! I will survive!

I will survive! I will survive!

I will survive!

Mott the Hoople and the game of Life Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Andy Kaufman and the wrestling match Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Monopoly, Twenty-one Checkers and Chess Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Mr. Fred Blassie in a breakfast mess Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Now, Andy, did you hear about this one Tell me, are you locked in the punch Hey, Andy are you goofing on Elvis Hey, baby Are we losing touch If you believed They put a man on the moon Man on the moon If you believe There 's nothing up his sleeve Then nothing is cool Nothing

If you believed They put a man on the moon Man on the moon If you believe There 's nothing up his sleeve Then nothing is cool Nothing If you believed They put a man on the moon Man on the moon If you believe There 's nothing up his sleeve Then nothing is cool Nothing

I watch the stars fall silent From your eyes All the sights that I have seen

I can't believe that I believed I wish that you could see There's a new planet in the solar system There is nothing up my sleeve I'm pushin' an elephant up the stairs I'm tossin' up punch lines that were never there Over my shoulder a piano falls Crashing to the ground I'm breaking through I'm bending spoons I'm keepin' flowers in full bloom I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I want the hummingbirds The dancing bears Sweetest dreams of you And look into the stars And look into the moon I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there Over my shoulder a piano falls Crashing to the ground I'm breaking through I'm bending spoons I'm keeping flowers in full bloom I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I'm breaking through I'm bending spoons I'm keeping flowers in full bloom I'm looking for answers from the great Answers from the great Answers I'm breaking through I'm bending spoons I'm keeping flowers in full bloom I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I'm breaking through I'm bending spoons I'm keeping flowers in full bloom I'm looking for answers from the great Answers from the great Answers


Well, it 's time To say Good-bye It's been good Having you So near Although I've got to leave It 's the end I'll always be stayin'

Right here So, all my friends good-bye It's just about that time Wish that I could do Just one more song For you Good-bye, everybody! Thank you! Good night!

Good night!

Okay! Great! Good night!