Man Up (2015) Script

Evening. Hello. Thank you.

Come on.



Hello, Ryan. I'm Nancy.

What's this? Why...

Has it... What's your...


It's too much, I think.

That's funny, look at that.

It's Ryan, right? Isn't it? It's Ryan...

I mean, not as in Ryan Wright.

Like, your name's not Ryan Wright.

Though you could be. You could be Mr Ryan Wright.

You could be Mr Right.

Either way you're the right Ryan for me.

Oh, my God.

You can do this.

You just put yourself out there.

See what happens.

Just don't drink too much.

Good. And you're going.

You're going. You're gone.

Fuck it.

There is a very, very nice beach.

Terns nest there. It's beautiful.


If I help you, Clarice, it will be turns with us, too.

Quid pro quo. I tell you things, you tell me things.

Not about this case, though; about yourself. Quid pro quo.

Yes or no?

Yes or no, Clarice? Poor little Catherine is waiting...

Hi. Hi.

Room service. Yes. Right this way.

Lovely. Yes. Great.

There, lovely. Hmm...

OK? So, tell me, Andrew...

Can I call you Andy? Of course, yeah.

How is the party going on downstairs?

Going pretty well, I think. Is it?

Yeah. Erm, you know there's food down there?

Yeah, I know. I'm just not really in the party mood tonight.

Do you have any ketchup, Andy, please? Hello?

Who's Andy?

A very nice young man who's just brought me dinner.

You're not at the party?

I'm not at the party but I'm at a party.

Hannibal and Clarice are here. Not to mention Andy. But he's just leaving.

No, alright. Put him on, please.

Andy. My sister would like to speak to you.

Sorry. Thank you.

Hello? Hi, Andy. I'm Elaine. Listen.

There'll be a dress hanging up somewhere. Can you give it to her?

Ah, yeah. OK.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no...

No. No. Andy.

And tell her to put some make-up on. She wants you to put some make-up on.

OK. That's enough. Do you have a napkin or something, please?

Look, Elaine, I've been ambushed. Some setup with a guy that Katie worked with. Well, excellent. This is good.

Come on! It's just all so organised and awkward and I can't bear it.

But how the hell else are you gonna meet someone?

Well, I've met Andy.

Oh, he's leaving. He didn't like that.

Could you put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on, please?

No, don't do it, Andy. Take her with you!

Ah, you're yelling.

You've gone all the way there.

Just put your dress on. Just pop down, show your face.

Stay ten minutes. The party's themed, Elaine.

Oh, God, really? Get your notepad.

No, please. Come on, I'm too old for this shit.

You're 34, not 84.

Come on, let's hear those mantras.

Put yourself out there. Good.

Take chances. Now a little less hollow and robotic.

Get stronger thighs.

Be more deviant.

Learn French. Cook more.

Understand the Israeli-Palestinian conflict better.

Engage with...

Finally! Nearly sent out a search party.

Call them off.

Here, have a mojito. First one's free. OK, well... Alright.

Paid for them all with my savings and now I have no savings.

Aw. Happy engagement. I got you, literally, a small present.

I am so touched that you thought of me when you raided the mini-bar.

Wow. Here she is, here she is.

Oh, Nancy, you look amazing!

Cheers. He's gonna love her. Come on.

I need just a moment longer with my mojito and then I can jump in.

He hates Facebook. He loves yoga.

He's really creative... Oh, good, yeah.

He is perfect for you. I knew you'd say that.

Oh, come on. Alright, alright.

We were set up and look at us now.

Dom, it is like your single years have been completely wiped from your memory.

I mean, do you remember that one girl who just cried?

She cried all the way through giving you a blow job. She was weeping.

So sad.

And look at you now.

And look at you both. Yeah, really special.

Come on, give him a chance. Yeah, I will. Bring it on.

You know, like me, another sad single loser in their mid-30s, right?

No. I'm actually a sad single loser in my late 30s.


He was right there.

I was crying with happiness.

Oh, erm... Sorry.

Ryan. 37.

Nancy. 34.

Sorry, my hand's a bit wet. It's not wee.

Right. It's mojito.

I mean, I didn't think it was wee.

Why would it be wee? That would imply very poor personal hygiene.

I mean, I don't wipe with my hand.

I use toilet paper just like everyone else does.

Well, that's a relief. Hm.

So is wee in a way, if you think about it.

Oh, how about another drink? Yeah, that would be great. Yeah.

Let me get these. Oh, no, it's fine.

No, it's alright. No, no, seriously.

OK, you can get them. You get them?

I'll get them, shall I? Great, cheers. Thank you.

Ah... Busted.

You've got a picture of your ex in the old wallet.

Oh, no, that's my sister.

Oh. She's very pretty. I bet she gets all "ze boyz".

She's dead.

Wow. It's going so well.

No, Elaine, I've got pictures of my cats in my wallet and they're alive and kicking and I want people to ask me about them.

Well, it's good that you went. Why is it good?

It's just so excruciating and predictable, just as it always is.

I'm just gonna let my vagina hermetically seal up.

Yeah, well, that will really help. Never hurt Barbie.

She's got a beach buggy and horses and a salon.

And a boyfriend.

Is she still with that guy? Such a fake smile.

How long are you gonna be? Get your arse over here pronto.

We have a lot of nibbles to put into a lot of bowls.

About two hours.

A reminder to all passengers that due to engineering work no trains are currently stopping at Clapham Junction.

About seven hours. What the fuck?!

I'm joking. Not funny.

I can't do this on my own. Hello.

And don't forget the chocolate mousse.

Mum's obsessed. And you've done your speech?

I've got a rough draft.

You haven't. You've done a lot of doodles and crossing out.

I mean, as if. Come on.

You know Dad loves it when you do a speech.

So it needs to be good and special. OK?


Oh, and Nancy? Yeah?

Don't seal up just yet. It'll happen. I promise.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck off.


Black... pant... wash.


I couldn't help overhearing.

You should really think about reading this.

Right. Right, right, right, right.

Did it, then? Did it what?

Change your life. Oh, erm...

Maybe. Yeah. But maybe not as well?

Well, I like to give everything a go, because otherwise what's the point?

You've got to hope it's going to work. Because what is life without hope?

Death. Death it is, then.

You see, you do need to read it.

I would lend you my copy but I need it for my date.

Why do you need a book for a date? It's how we'll recognise each other.

Oh, it's a setup? They always work.

They often work if the matchmaker has done their homework.

All successful relationships are based on whether you're both outdoorsy...

Read it. Don't need to.

It was a best seller. So was The Da Vinci Code.

Another excellent book. Not an excellent book.

I think it's what you need. Why does everyone tell me that?

If they're always telling you, you should listen.

I think you need to shh. You need to shh your mouth.

You want me to shh? I do, yeah. It would be great.

I'm only suggest... It's time.

I think... I think we're done.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now arriving at our final destination, London Waterloo.

Sorry. Excuse me. I say.

Ow. Shit.


Excuse me, please. What?!

There you go. Cheers.

Where the fuck are you? Blimey, I'm not that late, am I?

Somebody threw themselves on the track again.

I don't blame them, there's so many delays.

Hey, what a great way for us to recognise each other. What a great idea.

Although I think it would have been hard to miss you under that huge clock.

No, no, no...

What do we do in terms of saying hello? I never know where to pitch it.

Is it a handshake? Is it a hug? Is it formal?

You know what, we're adults. Let's just go in... Too soon for that?

Hello, there.

Oh, my God, that's not your emergency exit phone call already?

I haven't had a chance to use any of my best lines yet.

That wasn't one of them, if you were worried.

Listen, I'll handle this, madam.

Hello, caller. Yes, we have met.

I am not a complete psychopath and we've really hit it off.

She will call you later with all the gory details.

So thank you for calling and goodbye. There, done.

Alright! So, book, check. And clock, check.

And blind date. Check!

Usually in this situation I would say something and you'd say something back.

And then we'd talk about what we're gonna do and exchange ideas.

You know, sort of "quid pro quo, Clarice".

In hindsight, that wasn't the best impression to do on a first date because it... it brings to mind... Anyway, I'm talking a lot and I know you can sense it. So I'm gonna just keep going and I'm gonna start the bidding with a drink on London's fashionable South Bank.

So, as the book says, what are you waiting for?

I am waiting for you.

Good. Good. Yeah.

OK. Shall we...? After you, my lady.

I'm not a knight.

Yeah, let's do it. We'll go out this way...

What do you think? Good stuff for the first few hours?

Descending in quality as we do.

I'd go quality and quantity, Bert. It's a massive night.

You're right. We bloody deserve it.

Let's go mental.

Seriously, you do deserve it. I don't know how you've done it.

Not that I don't intend to go the whole distance myself, obviously.

I think the trick is, get through the first 30, 40 years, then just kind of give up. From that point on it's a breeze.

No, I mean it. How are we getting on?

We are nailing it. That's great.

You can put about half those lagers back, Adam.

What does Nancy want to drink?

I'm not sure if... She wants vodka.

The only spirit she can out-drink me on. We'll see about that later.

No, we won't.

Guys, she didn't even answer the phone. Some man did. I think she's on a date.

The man from last night? I thought that didn't work out.

It didn't. It was a disaster.

He was in love with his sister. Who answered the phone, then?

Dad, I don't know. He said he wasn't a psychopath.

Well, that sounds encouraging.

We're having a party. She's on a date. I'm thinking she's gonna bring him.

Bert! If he's not a psychopath.

Did he sound like a wine drinker or more of a beer man?


I'm just getting some more wine. Course you are.

The good host is prepared for all eventualities.

Come on, Pattersons, clock's ticking.

Fran, you walk straight past that offer.

So, what's going on? Is Nancy OK?

Yes. Yes, Mum, she's fine. She's just...

He's looking forward to her speech. I know.

So she is coming? Yes, of course she's coming.

Look, do you want me to write a few words? You know, just in case.

Not really, darling, no.

Oh, God. That is horrible.

I'm sorry.

I'll give her a call, then. Yes, please do, darling.


You OK? You seem a bit freaked out. Do I?


Gosh. Sorry, just bit of a first-date no-no...

Oh, my God, that's embarrassing.

Oh, it's Tom. Oh.

Hey, buddy.

Yeah, I'm here. I'm with Jessica.

Yeah, we're on the South Bank.

Yeah, d'you wanna speak to her? Alright.

We will.

Yeah. OK, Tom. Yeah, I'm gonna hang up now.

Yeah, OK. Bye. Bye.

He thought we hadn't met up. As if.

Shall we switch these things off? Yeah. OK, good.

Right. So, Jessica.


Tom says that you work in the City. I do, yeah. That's what I do.

Is that a stressful job? Ah, no.

"Lunch is for wimps."


No, no, it's from Wall Street. Yeah.

"If you need a friend, get a dog." I love that movie.

You do? Yeah, it's one of my favourites.

And you are a...? I'm an online marketing manager.

I love online marketing managing.

What I really wanna do is paint.

I don't wanna be an online marketing manager forever because, you know, the bots are taking over!

They're gonna be managing all the marketing in the future.

It's like "help". Exactly, yeah. Erm...

I'm a bit nervous, to be honest. Really?

Yeah. A little bit. Just a little bit. I'm not used to all this dating chat.

Although, you know, I had a few reservations about today, but I just thought, "You know what, Jack? I trust Tom."

He's not gonna set me up with somebody who I've nothing in common with.

And he's a good friend, right? Who, Tom?

Yeah. Yeah, I'd take a bullet for him.

Yeah. So, shall we get a beer or something?

There's one of those pop-up bars. Sure, that'll be great.

They appear out of nowhere, then they're gone the next day.

This can't be our favourite place because it'll be gone in the morning.

Can we get two Red Stripes? That'd be great.

So... So...

Where are you on the old, you know, the relationship... the spectrum of relationships?

It's my mime for relationships. That's good. Right.

Well, I guess long-term-wise it's...

It's been a while.

Since Pete, right? Since Pete.

Tom told me. Massive cock.

Really? Huge.

It wasn't that big... What he did to you.

...a deal. Unforgivable.

I know how it feels. I had it done to me, you know.

Affairs, eh? Who'd have them? Yeah...

They would. They would.

The other people would.

So where are you on the... spectrum?

On the spectrum? I think recently, I've had a few one-night stands.

You know, just girls I've met at work and in bars and just, like, on the street.

But this is my first real date really since the D-word.

Dead sister? Sorry?

Just something I say before I drink. Dead sister.

Dead sister.

But I'm not gonna let a failed marriage put me off relationships for good.


You be thankful that you and Pete didn't get hitched.

It gets a lot more complicated when you have to figure out who gets the flat.


I did. Yeah.

I got big home-improvement plans. I'm gonna do up our... my flat.

Paint the hallways, bleach the sheets.

Anyway, let's not talk about that. It's just bad juju.

And I'm so over it. You really sound it.

It's in the past. What does it say in Six Billion People and You?

F... Fuck the past. Fuck the past, yeah.

If that book has taught me anything, it's taught me that.

So, Tom says you're a triathlete.

Hm-hmm. Do you have to train a lot for that?

Yeah, I've just got to regularly carb up.

Ah! Yeah, yeah.

Go on then. I don't mind. I've actually worked out today...

I work out every day. I like to keep fit. I pump iron, sure.

Whoa! Whoa!

This is nice, isn't it? I don't envy any of my friends with kids.

Are they here now? Hell, no.

They're at home lying in wait for the next nappy change.

Not that I don't want kids.

I'm 40. They're not gonna be swimming in the right direction forever.

But just not right now. I should probably get a girlfriend first.

I definitely want kids. I'm just not freaking out about it yet.

I mean, why would you? You're 24.

D'you wanna get out of here? It is fucking freezing and I know a really fun place just over the river.

We can get shots and maybe hang out a bit more if you feel like it.

Yeah, I'd love that. OK.

This is gonna be fun. Yeah. What is it?

It's like a cantina.

It's a bit cheesy but you can have slammers and...

Oh, wow. Arriba!

Hey, man. How's it going?

Are you a regular here? Well, define "regular". What is it?

Hi, Jack. Hey, Helen, how's it going?

Oh, so you...

Ah! Snap.

We're swapping, right? Swapping?

For the genius Six Billion Ways to get to know you list that you suggested.

Is that your one? Mine's at the front. OK...

Let's have a look, shall we? OK, then.

Shall I read yours first? "Put yourself out there."

"Take chances."

"Black pant wash." It's a band.

Are they new? Yeah, they're new.

They're... They're fresh. Very young. They're my favourite band.

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, they're very, er, funky.

"Get stronger thighs."

Hey, this is spooky. I also love spaghetti bolognese.

What are the chances of that?

Like none chances. I know. That's the lists done.

Yeah! And didn't they go well?

Really great. That was...

Look, let me get this. No, I should get it.

Please, let me. OK. I'll get the next ones.

Oh, my God. Who are they? Who, what?

These guys. Oh, this is Slash and Axl.


Paradise Kitties.

I blew it, sorry. That was no good. Er...

Jack. I've got a confession to make and I'm just gonna...

So have I. ...come out with it. You have?

I have, yeah. Let me go first. I... OK.

I've never heard of Black Pant Wash.

I'm sorry. I wanna be honest with you, because honesty is very important...

Yes, I agree.

These lists are great and they're a brilliant ice-breaker, but you don't really believe that just because we both like spag bol, we're gonna wind up together forever, right?

Depends on the spag bol. Might be a really good spag bol.

But right now, whatever happens tonight, wherever we end up, I'm having a really good time getting to know you.

And you're being really patient with me, so thank you for that.

And I don't know why I brought you here.

It was a stupid idea and I think we should...

Let's do something different. Let's go someplace else.

Tom said you liked bowling. I love bowling.

OK, so shall we have a couple more and then hit the lanes?


Who said blind dates don't work? Right? Am I right? Yeah.

I'm gonna go get us a drink. OK.

Nancy? Yeah?

It's Nancy Patterson.

Do we know each other? Sean. Sean Bellamy.

Class 5G, Saint Andrew's Comprehensive. '88 to '93.

I sat next to you in chemistry for five years.

I gave you that Valentine's card in Year 9.

You tore it up in front of everyone.

Your mum ran me over that time. Oh, God. Yes, I do remember.

Erm, sorry about that. Oh, God, don't worry.

Glued it back together. It was only about 57 pieces.

I meant about the car.

But you were so... Fat. Yes.

Yeah. That was me, big fat Sean.

Lord of the Pies. Emperor Boom-Boom.

Now you're very... Yeah, I went on the 5:2 diet.

Five days on chocolate Nesquik. And two days strawberry Nesquik.

Oh, OK. I lost it all from here and from here.

But luckily not from here.

Could I just have two beers, please? Hell, yeah.

It's Nancy fucking Patterson. Shush.


Hey... Hey.

These are on me. OK.

So good to see you.

Thank you.

OK, cheers.

Ah. Flirting with the barman, I see. What? No.

Not at all, no. I was, like, "Whoa, competition."

No, I wasn't. I'm the least jealous person you'll meet.

Oh, God, me, too, yeah.

So, let's ramp this up a bit.

Not that I'm competitive.


Brought you some nachos. On the house.

I've got a wheat allergy... No, you don't.

You remember this?

What is it? Where'd you get that? In my wallet.

Who took it? I did.

I don't remember you ever being in my bedroom.

I wasn't in your bedroom, silly. I was outside. In a tree.

Jessica, watch and weep. OK.

Why is he calling you Jessica? You're called Nancy.

You're Nancy Patterson. I'm in a bit of a situation here.

Oh, you still use Pantene Pro-V.

That guy is not my boyfriend. He's actually not even my date.

I sort of stole him from underneath the clock at Waterloo and I'm pretending to be the girl he's supposed to be on a date with.

So it's a bit... I don't know. Kinky.

Hey, there.

How's it going? I'm Jack. And I am Sean.

He's Sean. There it is.

So you guys know each other? We just went to school together.

Yeah, we're old friends. We're old, old friends.

We used to have a bit of a thing going on.

Good for you. It was.

It really wasn't that good.

You never forget your first.

Lovely to see you after all these years.

We'll take it from here. Hang on, Jessica.

Hey. What are you doing?

It would appear that I finally have you over a barrel, Nancy Patterson.

Indeed, you are clearly not the girl you used to be once.

Cool and confident. Now, stealing other women's dates from under clocks.

You're working as a barman in a novelty bowling alley so...

Just as Mr Armstrong predicted. Who's that?

Our careers advisor at Saint Andrew's. Do you not remember anything?

No. Because I remember everything. Nancy!

Sean, I'm out bowling with a man who... might actually have some potential and not in just that he's a really good bowler-type way.

So don't ruin it for me. Just be cool.

OK, I will. Yeah?

Uh-huh. If you give me a blow job. You what?

Take it or leave it. Are you out of your fucking mind?

Come on, wouldn't hurt. Just a tiny little blow job.

And then I won't dismantle your web of deceit, Little Miss... Muffet.

Not gonna give you a blow job, so... Hand job? Pearl necklace?

Kiss? Please. Come on. Stop. Stop it. Stop it.

I just want to fulfil a lifelong ambition.

OK, OK. I'll do one kiss. OK?

With tongues? No tongues.

Oh! But in the toilets. Yeah, in the toilets.

And it has to be tonight.

Otherwise I won't find you again because you have no online presence.

Can I go now? Yes.

But I'll be watching you. I don't doubt that.

Oh, shit, shit, shit!

It's fine, they're fine.

Everyone'll just get drunk and shove them down.

They will. Yeah?


Ooh, blimey, they're hot. Any word from Nancy?

Not... Not exactly.

Oh, no. No, no.

But in her defence, she does have a very good reason for her tardiness.

And she's right, Fran.

And who knows, maybe today will end up being not just our anniversary.

Imagine that, Mum.

Oh, my God, who would you worry about then?

Oh, Bert, you've slobbed.

What? Where? Christ. What is this now?

It's hummus.

Take it off. Off, off, off.


Go get 'em, parents. Bert, shift your arse.

I'm going!

Marion, you made it!

I feel... I just feel like... I feel hustled.

Because I won? Are you not used to that?

I'm not really used to losing at bowling.

Oh, can't I keep them?

You think it's the first time he's heard that?

They're cute. Well, maybe tonight.

Let's not forget this. Keep you nice and warm.

Are you saving that for later? What?

Got a bit of jalapeño in your teeth.

You've just got a little bit of spinach or something jammed in.

No, it's still there. It's...

Oh, my God. It's a good one.

OK. No, it's not, though, is it?

No, it's still wedged in. I'm just gonna nip to the ladies.

I'll just stay here and I'll think about what we can get up to next.


I'll just go in there and think about what we can get up to next.



What do you want to get up to next?

Because I know what I wanna get up to next.

I saw you were about to leave so I took my break early.

Fucking hell, Sean! Leaving? I wasn't leav...

Er, bye.

Fine. I'll put my clothes back on and have a word with Jack about Jessica.

So, where do you wanna land those luscious lips?

We're gonna keep the door open. Now you're talking.

Right, let's just...


Sean... Move closer Move your body real close I'd prefer you didn't sing that.

Will you hold my face? Why?

It'll make it more romantic.

I don't think this could be any more romantic.

No, we said no tongues. We said no... Hey!


Hey, man. Jack.

You'd been gone awhile so I thought I'd come and find you.

This is not what you think. I think I'm just gonna leave.

No, wait. Please, let me explain. You don't have to.

I thought we had a connection but you still have something for Sean.

I'm gonna leave you to whatever fucking weird shit...

Jack, Jack, Jack. Just slide it on down to chills-ville.

Don't be so harsh on Nancy.

Who's Nancy? Why is he calling you Nancy?

Why? It was my other pet name for her.

After Nancy Reagan. Nancy Sinatra.

I'm gonna go. OK, wait, hang on.

Wait, Jack, let me just tell you the truth because... now is as good a time as any just to confess.

Confess what?

The reason Sean called me Nancy was because I'm not called Jessica and the reason I'm not called Jessica is because I'm not actually Jessica.

She's Nancy. She's Nancy Patterson.

Thank you, Sean. Can you put your clothes back on and leave? Please.

What about my kiss? Out. No. Jog on. Out!

Anyway, look, I was in here with him because he said he wouldn't tell you who I really was if I kissed him.

The truth is, I'm not really your blind date.

You thought I was, what with the book, the clock and the quid pro quo.

So you're not the girl that I was supposed to meet earlier?

No. What?!

I know! It sounds a bit mad. But don't think of it as mad.

Think of it as impulsive.

What kind of person stands underneath a clock waiting to steal someone's date? I wasn't waiting.

It's not stealing in the conventional sense of the word.

That girl gave me her book so that's why you thought I was her.

No, I thought you were her because you said you were.

Did I actually say that?

When were you thinking of telling me about this bizarre decision?

There wasn't actually a plan. I'm sure there wasn't a plan.

Because who would have a plan for something so fucked up?

I think people have done worse things in the world.

I'm racking my brains. That girl wasn't even right for you.

We'll never know. I'll never meet her because you stole her.

I was merely trying to meet my mate in the modern world.

Who are you? I'm Nancy Patterson. Hello.

Are you even a triathlete? That's the next thing you ask?

And where's Jessica? Probably gone home by now.

Past her bedtime. Are you even 24?

Aw. Add another ten. What?

Fuck you, Granddad. Not in six billion years.

That was uncalled for. That was uncalled for?

Yeah. Do you know what's uncalled for?

Derailing my date.


Laugh it up, girls. I am your future. Just so you know.

34! 40!

I think you're overreacting a bit. Really?

Yeah. How would you feel, Nancy, if you'd been set up with someone perfect for you and some psycho pretends to be them instead?

Setups never work. Tom said we matched.

Please, she reads self-help books and The Da Vinci Code.

She works in the City. What does that even mean?

When people say that?

It means she is a high-flying 24-year-old businesswoman...

24. You love that word. It's your favourite word.

Isn't that just the classic response of the lonely 34-year-old woman desperate for somewhere to put her eggs.

I'm nearly at my sexual peak. It's all downhill for you.

Knock knock, who's there? Viagra!

The bitter look really suits you.

It doesn't surprise me that Pete slept around.

Hang on a sec. Oh, oh, oh! There is no Pete!

And there is no wife because she left you.

Here's your theory. You think, "I'm so wounded and rejected."

"Please, help me, younger woman, who's nearly half my age."

This is coming from someone who had to steal someone else's date to even get one.

At least I'm not walking around like I'm bloody catch of the century.

Look at me with my own flat and my online marketing management job.

But what I really want to do is paint.

I am gonna paint. OK? Sure you are.

Thank you very much, it was lovely not getting to know you and congratulations on your massive pack of lies.

Where's my bag? That was all there was on the ticket.

Where's my bag? How should I know?

Why have I got your notepad?

Oh, f... Oh, my God, we've left my bag at the cantina.

Your bag, not mine. How many tequilas have you had?

My divorce papers are in there. Ooh, sexy.

I came from the lawyers, alright? Sexier.

Your divorce papers... and my notepad with my speech!

What speech?

It's my folks' 40th wedding anniversary tonight.

It just gets better. Not only do you steal somebody else's blind date, you stand up your parents on one of the most important milestones of their life.

You really, really need to consider your motivations for doing things and not doing things.

I'm gonna get my speech. Whatever. Taxi!

What are you doing? Calling a cab so I can go to the bar.

It's a ten-minute walk. No, it's 20 minutes.

It's ten minutes! You seem awfully confident, Nancy.

Because it's a fact, Jack. It's a fact.

Is it a fact? Like the fact that you're a triathlete.

Great. Here's a good idea.

Why don't you run, swim and cycle to the bar and we'll see who gets there first?

What? You don't know what a triathlon is.

Yes, I do. You do, do you?

Yeah. Well, ready, steady... go!

Get stronger thighs!

Come on, come on, come on!

Bye. Twat! Shit!




Excuse me. Why so many feathers?


Hey. Sir. Kind person.

Come on, come on, come on.

Excuse me! Coming through.

Just go further up. It's on the left.

Mind your back!

In your 40-year-old face!

I thought you weren't competitive. I thought you weren't competitive.

You alright?

It's a tactical puke.

It better be in there. Of course it will.

Hey, you want some more tequila? No!

Is his man-bag here? It's a satchel, OK.

I'm not used to carrying it. Alright, I'll go check.

Where are you going? Toilet.

You gonna meet somebody? No, so don't follow me.

I have no intention of doing that again.


Hi, you've called Elaine.

Leave a message and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

Nice one, Nancy.

Really, really nice.

It's great stuff.

Hey, you know. New mantra.

Stop being such a loser.

How about that?



Do you even like bowling? I love bowling.

Great. So you weren't faking it the whole night, then?

Bet you've said that line before.


Look, I realise this is not my finest hour.

Oh, you don't say? Yeah. I know.

In hindsight, agreeing to Sean's demands was not the best decision that I've made all evening.

You could've just told me the truth. I know and I was going to, I really was, but then...

"Jessica" was doing so well.

One man-bag.

Thank you. Cheers.

What? Black Pant Wash.





What are you doing here? I thought we agreed.

What are you doing here?

Hello, Jack. Fuck off, Ed.

I get this place between five and 10pm on a Saturday.

Sorry, I thought it was a Sunday.

I think we all know that you know that it's not on a Sunday.

Oh, how I miss that pissy little diary of yours.

Do you still put an "M" in it when it's moustache-dyeing week?

He didn't know. Hey, this is Nancy, by the way. My girlfriend.

Nancy, this is Hilary, my soon-to-be ex-wife, and Ed, the man she left me for.

Come on, Jack. Yeah, come on, silly me.

You know what? We're all in the same bar with our new partners.

Let's have a drink together. We're adults, aren't we?

We're mature, stable adults.

Come on. Have you got a table? Yeah.

Is it "our" table? Not any more.

Good! Even better. Lead the way.

Oh, my God. What is happening? Just go with it, darling.

Just go with it, Edward.

Oh, my God. You knew they'd be here. That's why you brought me here earlier.

That is why I brought "Jessica" here. Then I came to my senses and we left.

But then you left my bag here... You left your bag.

And then you came out of the toilets looking like... Hmm...

I just thought people have done worse things in the world and you are very good at pretending to be people that you're not.

And you owe me, Nancy.

OK. What exactly are you hoping to achieve?

I believe they call it "closure".

Missed a call from Nancy. She's not even gonna make it for the speeches.

What the fuck do you think she's doing?

What you always tell her to do. But not the greatest night to pick.

But she's being spontaneous.

Be spontaneous when there's nothing else planned.

Don't you think this is a bit...

I'm gonna see what's happened before I pass judgement.

Are you? Well, good for you.

Jesus, when has she ever done anything like this before?

Well, never, but... Pardon, what was that?


She's out there, somewhere, doing you proud, meeting a man.

Having a lovely time. Just like when we first met.

We met in a pub. But it was a lovely romantic pub.

It was a Yates's Wine Lodge.

Do you remember the first thing you ever said to me?

"Vodka and tonic, please." And I said?

"Pint or a half?"

What is the worst-case scenario?

We never see her again. Alright, second worst?

You hungry? No.

Little snackette? No, don't need it.

So... how long have you two been seeing each other?

Not long. Not long at all.

How did you meet?

At work. At a party.

At a work party. At a party that worked.

So you're in online marketing, too?

No. I am a... firewoman. I'm a firewoman.

There was a fire. At his work party.

And then in our pants.

So, Hilary, what is it that you... What do you do for a living?

I'm an account manager at a leading PR firm.

Mind-blowing. And you, Ed?

I'm a merchant banker. Interesting fact.

"Merchant banker" is cockney rhyming slang for "wanker".

Oh, for fuck's sake, Jack.

It's a fact. I'm just saying. I'm not lying.

It's been a year. It's OK, Hil.

It's not the first time I've heard that one.

First time I've heard it. I'm unaffected by it, so...

And it's been more than a year, actually, Hilary. It's been 368 days.

Not that I'm crossing it off on my wall calendar of pain and deceit.

I need a piss.

Oh, fuck! Shit.

Oh, shit. Hey...

Hey, don't worry, Baby Cakes. This was bound to happen sooner or later.

He does this. It's kind of blackmail.

He's a very emotional man.

We're gonna need more nibbles, please. So... question.

You two had an affair? We fell in love.

Yeah, but you had an affair?

The marriage was over anyway. But you had an affair?

Yeah. I guess he is just an emotional man.

Look, I'm sorry, Hilary.

The truth is... I missed you, Big Nuts.

So what rating are you two rabbits on now?

Rating? Yeah, sexually speaking?

Because Jack and I, God, we're still in porno land really.

Porno land?

Hm-hmm. Shall I explain? Please do.

OK. You know when a woman first starts sleeping with a man, she acts like a porn star.

Am I right? Jack and I, anything goes.

Church of Lesbyterian, dinner beneath the bridge, guided tour of site B, if you know where that is. He knows.

Remember when you said we should and I was like, "I'm not gonna do that."

You said, "Go on, try it." Did I?

And I was just thinking, "I'm actually quite scared," because I couldn't see.

Then, God, you flipped it. And all of a sudden...

God, I felt like, "Please don't stop."

"Jack, please don't stop. Don't stop, Jack. Do what you do, Jack."

"Thank you, Jack. I love your work, Jack."

And you lot are like, "Wow, our sex life is always gonna be like a porn film."

Six months in, the ladies, we drop it down to an 18, and then a 15, maybe a quick 69 but only if we've just had a bath.

And then suddenly, whoa, we're a PG-13 wearing tartan pyjamas to bed doing the goodnight rollover before you can say "missionary position".

That is a brilliant theory.

Thank you. But do you know what, Jack? I really feel like we're gonna be in porno land for a lot longer than usual.

I have a theory, too. Yeah? What is it?

If you get a woman back to your place and you say you don't wanna have sex, you just wanna take it slowly, I guarantee she will go down on you.

The Blow Job Paradox. Blow Job Paradox!

Yeah! "Use it, don't abuse it." If divorce papers were honest, they wouldn't say "irreconcilable differences".

They'd say "not enough blow jobs". Not enough blow jobs!

Like, get down there, fix it.

Sorry to interrupt. Did you get a chance to sign those papers?

Yes, I did, actually, Hilary. In fact, coincidentally, I have them with me.

Although, stupid Jack, I signed them with a pen.

You'd probably prefer it if I did it with my own blood.

Hey, this is our song. We should dance. It's very special. Isn't that mad?

Don't fucking touch me.

Yay. What are you doing?

Stopping you from making a twat of yourself by using the medium of dance. Hello.

I'm gonna slow-dance you into submission, OK?

You'll need to put your arms around my waist for it to work properly. Good.

I'm such a dick. You're not. You're not a dick.

It's always better to be the one that's dumped.

You never regret anything. She made the decision.

She's gotta live with that for the rest of her life.

It's not as simple as that, is it? But it will be. It just takes time.

Your hands are slipping down my arse. Sorry. Old habit.

Everybody knew they were doing it. Nobody told me.

It's rough. I'll admit it's rough.

I was really traditional about the whole "don't sleep around when you're married" thing.

Hands-arse. That's right.

I bet you proposed on the top of a Tuscan hill.

Cephalonian, actually.

Spent a year planning your big day.

Twenty grand, all in? Bit more.

Let's not forget the ring. It was four grand.

And we had to get it resized because she got awfully thin.

You spent £24,000 on a party and some jewellery?

It was a grand gesture.

What's the point of life if you're not up for stuff like that?

A grand gesture that amounted to nothing. Hands-arse.

God, you're such a fucking cynic. And you're such a fucking romantic.

You put so much emphasis on that one day and forget about the rest of your life.

What's wrong with having a big day? Look at your parents.

I bet they had a party and guests and a wishing tree.

Six guests. Local registry office. Drinks at the pub afterwards.

They decided it was more important to concentrate on the promises they were making.

Don't you think that's what I wanted?

When you get married, you make a promise you can't keep, but, by God, I was gonna try, and I'll never regret that.

Which is more than you can say, sat up there on your single perch with all your judgements.

Why-y-y-y-y don't you use it Try-y-y-y-y not to bruise it Buy-y-y-y-y time, don't lose it They're not judgements, they're theories.

Very different things. Whatever.

The reflex is an only child Just waiting by the park The reflex is in charge of finding Treasure in the dark And watching over lucky clover Isn't that bizarre?

Every little thing the reflex does Leaves you answered with a question mark You know your problem, Nancy? What?

You spend your entire time on the sidelines theorising about what works, but never putting yourself out there. You never take chances.

I think my actions today could be considered quite "chancy".

Oh, really? Yeah.

You need to man up. I married that woman and she tore out my heart but I'm still standing. I'm still putting myself out there.

And who are you to say that my marriage was doomed?

Who are you to say that the girl I met tonight, the girl I was supposed to meet tonight, wasn't the girl of my dreams?

You need to let me get on with my sad single-man life crisis and keep your cynical wisecracks and theories to yourself. OK?

Why-y-y-y Why-y-y-y Why-y-y-y

Hi. Sorry. I'm not looking.

Just... looking for Jack.

Jack, are you in here? No.

Come on.

Just go to your party, Nancy, I'm fine.

You're fine? Yeah, I'm really fucking fine.


Sorry. You didn't lock. Didn't lock.


I was hoping for the pants-and-socks look.

Nice place you got. It's really cosy.


I've had a bad relationship run over the past few years and so it's made me not the most positive person.

I overanalyse and I... come up with elaborate theories and make monumentally bad decisions and...

I've gotta move on, you know, that's all.

She's out there, she's happy.

She's getting on with her life and I'm...

I'm just holding on. OK.

A, I wouldn't say "happy", exactly.

And secondly, I mean, you're not holding on to her.

You're holding on to a feeling and that feeling will eventually pass. Promise.

I mean, look, maybe I was wrong.

Maybe dating 24-year-olds is exactly what you need right now.

You've changed your tune. Well, unlike... the older lady, they do have less baggage.

I mean, shit, I'm way over my baggage allowance.

I'm four years single. Four fucking years.

Prior to that, I had six years with the supposed love of my life, when, out of the blue, he ended it and then he...

He said he wanted to go to China to find himself.

Then he found himself shacked up in Shepherd's Bush with some other girl six months later.

I'm over it, obviously, but I just... Yeah, you really sound it.

Apart from one thing.

One thing that, honestly, I'm not sure that I can ever get over.



He de-authorised me from his iTunes.

What? That is unforgivable.

It is. It is, actually.

So, what do you really do for a living?

I'm a journalist. Yeah.

Slash wannabe literary polymath.

That figures. You got good theories. Oh, you like them now?

I wouldn't listen to me, though, because I'm not exactly the poster child for the dating industry.

Really? I'm 40, divorced and crying in a toilet.

You're just...

You're an emotional jigsaw at the moment but you're gonna piece yourself back together.

You know, start with the corners. Look for the blue bits.

And where do I find these "blue bits"?

Took me three years to get over my ex.

Jungian therapy. Two hours every day. Six weeks.

I burnt her clothes. Twice.

I'm not saying that her porn star theory is correct.

But you did blow job paradox me?

Hey. Where did you two get to?

Probably 69-ing in the toilets, no doubt.

Who's up for a shot? Let's do some shots.

I think I've had enough to drink. We're just gonna head off.

Nonsense. It's a seminal night so we should mark it somehow.

Four sambucas, please.

You look like you've been crying.

Actually, I was crying. With laughter.

Have you ever tried to do it in a cubicle that small?

I think I left my knickers in there.

She does not need to know the real reason for your tears.

Did you wanna leave your knickers in there?

Focus, Jack.

Repeat after me.

"After this shot I will be stronger, wiser and finally moving on."

After this shot I will be stronger, wiser and finally moving on.

Fuck the past. Fuck the past.


Oh, my God. Do something!

You're a fireman, put the fucking fire out!

Here. You take it. Jesus!

That is what I call closure.

I think that's the dictionary definition right there.

Denial, depression, acceptance.

Fire. Fire.


Alright, what is next?

OK, what's the time? It is ten o'clock.

Is it? Oh, shit. I should check in at home, really.

Yeah, I'd better...

So, I think I'd better finally head to my folks' anniversary party but I was just... This is a crazy idea but I was just thinking, would you want to join...? Sorry.

Just because it might be nice to not go alone for a change and if you...

Oh, my God, she has called and texted, like, a lot.

Who has? Jessica.

She said she spoke to Tom and there's obviously been some sort of misunderstanding and she still wants to meet up.

Even though you stood her up? Is she a loser?

Technically, you stood her up, actually.

She's young so she's not a total cynic like you. Us. Yet.

Your 24-year-old obsession, isn't it?

You said I should keep it simple.

When? Like, half an hour ago in the toilet.

So, what is your theory on this one?

My theory? Yeah, I wanna hear it. What's the...

Is it "boy meets girl" or "boy doesn't meet girl"?

I mean...

This is when you tell me what to do and then we argue and then...

You know, it's a bit of back and forth and eventually...

Oh, wait. What for?

All night you've had all these theories and opinions and suddenly you've nothing to say?

What do you want? Do you want my permission or something?

No, not at all. Then I think you should meet Jessica.

Yeah, but that's not... What are you waiting for, right?

What am I...? I don't know what I'm waiting for.

Fine, I'll meet Jessica.

OK. Great. OK.

Are you meeting her here or... Yeah. Yes, there it is.

OK. That's where the...

You can give her this back then.

No, she bought another one. Course she did.

I haven't really read it, to be honest.

Maybe we should have.

So, erm...

Is that everything? Yeah.

So sorry for derailing your date.

I'm glad you did, otherwise I'd have nothing to talk about on the next one.

It is a good anecdote. I'll probably use it in future myself.

So, well, look after yourself...

It's what I do best. OK, and...

Bye. Bye.

I'll Facebook you. Not on Facebook.

Idiot. Idiot.



What kind of nutter pretends to be someone else's blind date?

I know. It's...

Although it does prove what a publishing sensation Six Billion has been.


Let's just pretend the whole thing never happened and we shall start again.


Sorry, I'm ever so thirsty. I did a lot of walking today.

So, Jessica, I hear you work in the City.

Correct. And I love it. "Lunch is for wimps."

It's from Wall Street. From the film.

"If you need a friend, get a dog."

Oh, is that the one with Leonardo DiCaprio?

Er, no.

Erm, so listen, Tom told me that you are a triathlete.

Bert, are you ready? Yeah?

Alright? Yep.




Oi! Come on.

Adam, thank you.

Well, here we all are.

I had rather hoped that our youngest daughter, Nancy, would have been here to do the speech.

But, er, she's been a little delayed.

So it falls to myself... to find a few choice words.

But, I mean, seriously... what's left for us to say to each other after 40 years?

Take the fucking recycling out.

Still as foul-mouthed as the day I met her.

And still as beautiful.


And although I doubt that we have another 40 years ahead of us...

Bloody hope not.

...or we will ever agree... that you can park on a double yellow line on a Sunday...

But you can, actually. Whose side are you on?

...or she will ever fully trust me with the big weekly shop...

Not a hope in hell.

...but here's to spending... whatever years we have left together.



I am an empty shell on the beach without you.

Oh, that's good.

I am a laundry disaster waiting to happen.

I am an old pear... left to soften in the fruit bowl.

Oh, here she is.


So sorry I'm late. But I remembered the chocolate mousse.


What is it, darling? What is it? What's up?

What's the matter? It's OK.


Come on, tell us, what's the matter, darling?

I got a lot of big home-improvement plans.

Do up my flat. I'm gonna paint my hallway.

Yes, Tom said that you were a bit of an artiste.

Yeah, I, you know... I dabble.

No, I don't dabble. Who am I trying to kid?

I got an A in art at A level.

I don't remember what I got in my A levels.

I'm kidding you. I'm not that old.

I got two Bs and a C, so.

No, I didn't. I got two Cs and a B.

Anyway, I passed them all, so.

Well done. Thank you.

Anyway, I'm so glad that you're a fan of Six Billion People and You as well.

And I'm so sorry that I was late to meet you.

But, actually, the reason that I had to buy another copy was because I left my copy for this woman on the train and she so needed to read it. She was a very unhappy soul.

You know, one of those sort of "lost hope", "clock ticking" kind of women.

Anyway, shall we do the lists? Yes, the lists, the lists.

I can't wait to see what your favourite food is.


I am so sorry about this.

What are you talking about? This is amazing.

If I hadn't left her that book... It's like the most epic love story ever.

And it means that I was right and she was wrong. Taxi!

Where to? Shit, I have no idea.

Just call her.

I don't have her number. I have your number.

What's her name? Nancy. Nancy Patterson.

Look her up on Facebook. She's not on Facebook.

Don't be ridiculous.

Everyone's connected. You'll have some mutual friends or something.

You bloody genius.

Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes, please.

Good luck with the triathleting. Thank you, Jessica!

Sean... Is that my scarf? Where's Nancy?

I have to find her and I think she's at her parents'.

Do you know where they live?

I know the exact Google map coordinates.

Holy... You know what, Sean? I'd be quite happy to take the train.

What's your plan? What's my plan?

To win her heart.

This isn't a power ballad. Well, it should be.

Grand romantic gestures. That's what it's all about.

Declarations. Heart on the line. Life-changing kind of stuff.

That's what I was going for back there in the toilets.

Actions, you know. More than words.


Taught myself to drive with just my left hand.

Pretty useful, I can tell you.

Are we here? Yep, we're here.

OK, OK, OK. Erm...

Oh, what number is it? 74.

Go, go, go! Bon chance, mon amigo.


Idiot, idiot, idiot...

I should have just said...

"Don't go, come with me to the party."

I can't hear her.

Go easy, Nancy, it is a partition wall.

Something about a party? This party?

And I was gonna bring him here and everything.

The man on the phone?

The strange man you were on a date with?

You should have. Didn't go well?

No, it did go really well.

Oh, no, it's not a good thing. Boo, boo.

Come on, my lovely, just tell us what happened.


I'll get that. OK. So...

What are you doing here? Is Nancy here?

Are you the strippergram?

What? No, I'm not. What are you...?

Nancy, I had to come and find you. How did you...?

I couldn't just leave it like that. Oh, my God. Nancy, is this...

Oh, it's marvellous. We've got a chair for you.

A chair? For me? Yeah.

Oh, that sounds lovely. Hello, nice to see you.

We've got a lot of people here. Oh, party time. Hello, everybody.

Hello, I'm Sean. Ooh, strawberries. Favourite!

I loves me strawberries.


Everybody, everyone!

Everybody, everybody!

This is... It's Jack!

He's looking for... Who are you looking for again?

Nancy. Is this a 40th party?

Nancy! Nancy, are you here?

I'm Nancy. I'm Nancy.

I'm Nancy!

No, no, no, no, no, you're not. None of you are Nancy.

Nancy is 34, not 15 or whatever.

There's a girl being sick in the sink. This is terrible.

Come here, sweetheart. Let it all out. There you go.

Listen, Nancy is... she's got very cool hair and a lovely face and...

Come on, please. Nancy Patterson. Anybody help me with Nancy Patterson?

Wait! Nancy Patterson?

Yes! She used to be my old baby-sitter.

Can you take me to her? Yes, I can.

Yes! Thank you! Thank you very much.

Oh, we're all going, are we? OK.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.

I'm just... just gonna say a few words. Er...

Er, I actually had something prepared but...

I lost it. It's kind of a long story...

Actually, I'm just gonna tell you, cos it's actually the reason I was so late and the reason why this speech is gonna be so rubbish.

I met a man today.

Hello. No, not this man.

I was standing underneath the clock at Waterloo Station when a man called Jack mistook me for his blind date and instead of just saying, "Hey, you got the wrong girl," like a normal person, erm...

I thought it was a good idea to just pretend that I was his date.

No, you didn't?

I did. I did. But, but...

You know, we went out and, you know, for the first time in ages, I put myself out there, and I took a chance, and I even got stronger thighs.

Then Jack found out I wasn't who I said I was, a 24-year-old triathlete by the way.

24? Yeah.

And so he went to go and meet his real blind date.

So blah, blah, blah, the end.

No, don't be sad. God, I'm not sad.

I'm a bit sad.

Er, but I'm also quite proud of myself because I tried.

And, you know, no, it didn't work out, but...

I got a hint of what could be out there for me.

You know,... a fun,... loving, crazy, contradictory, long, happy life with someone.

Something that these two have had since they first laid eyes on each other 40 years ago.

So, please... join me in toasting them and wishing them a very happy anniversary.

To my mum and dad. To Bert and Fran.

Mum and Dad. Bert and Fran.

Bert and Fran.

I liked that speech. I liked it a lot.

Cheers, Dad.

Much better than last year's. Yeah, that wasn't very...

Come here.

Stronger thighs. I'm so proud of you.

Cheers, Elaine.

Just keep on going, my darling.

You'll get there in the end. Thanks, Mummy.

So where's this Jack now?

He's at the window.


Nancy, it's me. Nancy! Nanc...

I'm gonna... I'm coming in.

Sorry. Sorry.


Nancy, I thought you might want your speech.

It's too late. I've...

No, do you want your speech, Nancy? Er... Yes.

OK, good. Just be quiet and let me give it to you, then.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...

...erm, and friends and members of Nancy's family who I've never met before in my life. This is...

I met a girl today, the wrong girl, except she turned out to be the right girl.

And this girl who took a chance on me in the most bizarre and romantic way possible wanted me to take a chance on her, but, erm...

I didn't, you know. I didn't. I blew it, like a stupid 40-year-old, mid-life-crisis dickhead that I am.

Which is why I sought help from old beaus.

Yes, you... not the most reliable of sources, really. Whatever.

But undeterred, I commandeered these brilliant young drunks, because nothing was gonna stop me from finding this girl and telling her what I should have told her earlier on.

Nancy, I am so bloody glad you pretended to be my date today, because, if you hadn't, then I never would've heard any of your amazing sex theories or... watched you trying to get jalapeño out of your teeth or witnessed your very instinctive firewoman skills.

I would never have got to know that muddy, beautiful triathlete face or witnessed that awesome, highly competitive arse as you were about to get another strike.

In fact, if you hadn't have pretended to be my date today, my day would have been utterly rubbish.

And so, quite possibly, would have been the rest of my life.

Don't make those noises, I'm right on the edge.

Nancy, you said I was an emotional jigsaw and that I should look for the blue bits.

I think you might be the blue bits, Nancy.

So what do you say?

Quid pro quo?

What does it say in Six Billion People and You?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Fuck the past.

Fuck the past!

Thank you. Excuse me.

Hands-arse. My hands aren't on your arse.

I know.

I'll send you a photo, Sean.



Sapex Scripts