Marvellous (2014) Script

This is my story.


My, my, my, Delilah.

Why, why, why, Delilah?

I could see that girl was no good for me but I was lost like a slave that no man could free.

I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window.

I saw the flickering shadow of love on her blind.

She was my woman.

As she betrayed me I watched and went out of my mind.

My, my, my, Delilah.

Why, why, why, Delilah?

I could see that girl was no good for me but I was lost like a slave that no man could free.

At break of day when that man drove away, I was waiting.

I crossed the street to her house and she opened the door.

She stood there laughing.

I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more.

My, my, my, Delilah.

Why, why, why, Delilah?

So before they come to break down the door forgive me Delilah, I just couldn't take any more.

Mr Capello?

Mr Capello, my pay's short.

Well, you're short so now you match.

I mean, it's supposed to be £25 and it's not £25.

So sue me. It's supposed to be £25 and it's not.

You're more than welcome to go and see if Zippo's will pay you any more.

Now, beggar off. We're on.

Well, what about... cooking?

Cooking? Definitely no cooking.

What, no cooking?

I told you!

No cooking even with a frying pan?

I told you, no cooking!

Alright, it's a deal. No cooking.

Alright, now fuck off.

Nello, ladies and gentlemen!

Can I help you?

Yes, I'm a friend of the Bishop.

And... which Bishop would that be?

Bishop of Keele. Bishop of Lichfield.

And the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a very good friend of mine.

Could you give me a lift?

Of course, of course. Where would you need a lift to, exactly?


Right. Well, that's quite a drive!

It is, yes. Thank you.

I didn't necessarily say that I'd... Have you had your breakfast?

I have indeed. Oh. I haven't.

Very nice of you to ask. Thanks.




Ok, thank you.

I can take you as far as Dumfries and then your mum has arranged for your local vicar to come and get you from there.


You've got a tow bar, haven't you?

A tow bar?

Why would I need a tow bar?

Is there any more toast?

Should he be wandering around the country on his own like this?

He's clearly got special needs of some sort.

Well, he doesn't have much trouble finding help.

In fact, he seems positively blessed in that regard.

Is he in the habit of doing this?

Well, he does seem to view the Church as being some sort of ecclesiastical AA.


He says he's a good friend of the Bishop of Lichfield.

Yes, that's true.

And the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Well, if Neil says he knows someone, then he usually does.

How does he get to know them?

By being Neil.


Oh, that's quite alright.

Er, would you mind signing this before you go?

A Bible?

Are you sure? Slightly irregular.


No, not the front.

Er, that's for Bishops and Archbishops.

There's space above that for regular clergy.


So there is.

I've got them all in there.

Desmond Tutu, Terry Waite...

Rowan Williams, Jimmy Greenhoff...

I wasn't aware Jimmy Greenhoff had been ordained!

He hasn't.

He scored 76 goals in 274 games for Stoke City.

He was marvellous. Right, right, well...

There you are.

Thanks. Thank you.

Your mum'll be pleased to see you.

I bet she will. I'll be pleased to see her.

The truth is, she's not been so well lately.


And I know it's hard to think about these things but your mum's not getting any younger.

No, she's not.

None of us are.

And that's life.

So we have to make the most of it.

Hiya, Mum.

Oh, there's a sight for sore eyes.

Let me have a look at you.

So how have you been keeping without me to keep any eye on you, like?

I've been tip-top, me. Tip-top.

It's a robin.

Oh, he's back, is he?

He was here last week.

I bet he missed you.

Bet he did.

That's why he's come back.

Neil, love.

When I let you join that circus, you said they'd look after you.

They did look after me.

Just that one ringmaster took against me.

It only takes one.

I'm nice to people and people are nice to me.

And if they're not nice to me, then they're all the people who are.

I won't be here forever.

Don't talk like that.

Well, we all die one day, Neil.

Until Jesus returns and raises his sleeping followers from death and grants immortality to the faithful.

So there you are then.

Jesus 1, Mary Baldwin 0.

I want to know that you can look after yourself when I'm not here to do it any more.

Don't get taken advantage of.

Hold down a job. I've got a job.

You've been sacked. A new job.

At the university.

Oh, that's lovely.

When did they offer you this?


When you first came to Keele were you nervous?

I'm never nervous.

Hello. I'm Neil Baldwin.

Welcome to Keele University. Hello.

I'm Neil Baldwin.

Welcome to Keele University. Alright?

Hello. I'm Neil Baldwin.

Welcome to Keele University. Hiya.

Hello. I'm Neil Baldwin. Welcome to Keele University.

Hiya. I'm Malcolm. Stoke City fan?

I am, yes. Very much so.

Are you? Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

So, do you work here, do you?

Yes, I think I do.

Ta. explanation for perceptual error.

The example of the Phantom Limb is a pretty strong refutation of the notion that our perception of reality and external reality are one and the same thing...

...Enjoy yourself while you're still in the pink.

The years go by as swiftly as a wink.

Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think!

Is that a chaffinch?

What exactly is it that you do up there, Neil?

At the university?

It is a chaffinch, you know. It's got wing bars.

Neil Baldwin.

As much as I love birds, I will not be knocked off-course by plumage talk.

What are you doing there, at Keele?

All sorts.

And what does it pay, this 'all sorts'?

Look at the birds of the air.

They neither sow, nor reap nor gather into barns.

Yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.

When I started work, I read my Bible every dinner break.

And they made fun of me.

They called me Holy Mary.

I could be a vicar, then I'd be Holy Neil.

Is that why you don't want a normal job?

Because you're worried they'll pick on you?

I like the Church of England.

I like performing.

I believe in God.

That does put you three up on most of the Church of England clergy I've encountered.

But there are other things you need, Neil.


I was thinking qualifications.

You alright, Nello? Hiya, Steve.

Wigan on Saturday!

Who's that?

Steve. He's a very good friend of mine.

You've never mentioned him before?

Well... I only met him yesterday.

Well, the good news is they are looking for pot dippers at Susie Cooper's.

I used to work for Susie Cooper's.

I was the recipient of many a compliment on my eye for colour.

I think our Neil's got the same.

Thank you, but it's not what I'm looking for.

What are you looking for?

What would you like to do, Neil?

I'd like to manage Stoke City.

Or be a vicar. Either is fine. I'm flexible.

Ok. And... what are you qualified to do?

I helped the students out at Keele. And I'm a registered clown.

Are you indeed?

What have you gone and brought that here for?

That's Nello.

Did you do this?

Just look at that paintwork!

Not a million miles away from ceramics.

That's right, he's a dab hand.

It's an egg of, with your make up on, and it's registered.

You can sue anyone who steals your make up.

I don't think Elaine wants to hear about all that now.

And are there any openings in the circus right now?

Not at the moment, no.

Charlie Cairoli's a very good friend of mine.

I've got his number, if you'd like it.

Just say Neil said to ring him.

I meant for you. 0272...

496 0725.


Sorry. He does go off on tangents now and then.

But you don't think he has any vacancies?

For you.


That's why I mentioned the vicaring or football manager.

Doesn't have to be Stoke, but I draw the line at Port Vale.

There are schemes to help people into work who otherwise might have... difficulties.

Why are you telling me that?

Fruit Pastilles do not count as fruit and you know it.

You'll be turning me vegetarian if I'm not careful.

If in doubt when I'm not here, ask Doris on the till.

She'll tell you what's healthy and what's not.


She doesn't look all that well to me.

She can keep an eye out for you.

Looks like I should be keeping an eye on her.

Oh, for goodness' sake! All I want to know is you can stand on your own two feet!

It's more than my life's worth, Neil.

I thought eggs were good for you.

Mary, you alright, duck?

Yes, yes.

Just the price of these tinned peaches. Taken the wind right out of me.


I have been praying very hard about this, and you know what?

I think you're ready for a place of your own.

I've got a place of my own. This place.

A place of your very own. Not too far away. A little flat.

Move out?

Of my home?

Well, somewhere nice, you know where you can start to be more... independent and manage, you know.

But I do manage.

When have I ever gone without?

Do you think it's God's will?

Well, that's a difficult one, but I think it might be, yes.

Not my mum's will?

I think on this occasion, as is so often the case your mother's will and God's will might be one and the same thing.

Is that the choir?

Yes. Are you joining? We're still short of baritones.

I'd love to help you out more but I've got a lot of stuff to do.

Oh, really? Like what?

I'm behind on my bird-watching.

The Gerry Cottle Circus are in town.

I'm writing an extra verse for the Lord's Prayer.

You're not joking, are you?

There's still half your Stoke City programmes up there.

I'll come back for them.

All grown up? My Neil.

Don't worry, Mum. I'll not forget you.

This is very kind of you, Malcolm.

Give to him who asks you. And from him who wants to borrow do not turn away.

Matthew: 5.

Oh, I wouldn't say no to half a lager at the student union.

Malcolm: 1.

You alright, Neil?

Yes. Let's get this over with.

We'll have it dark.

Here, Malcolm.


Don't know how all that came loose.

Not got an eagle in there, have you?

What do you think of that?

What's the Neil Baldwin football club when it's at home?

My own team.

Picked by me, managed by me, captained by me.

At least you can't be dropped. Exactly.

You're Vice President.

Am I? Right. Not President then?

Gary Lineker is President. I'm just going to write to him to tell him the good news.

In other news, Stoke City have announced... the departure of their manager, Graham Paddon after just 18 games in charge.

The club's board thanked him for his hard work and dedication and have said they'll act quickly to find a replacement...

Come in, Mark.

Thank you for coming.

I'd use my own minister but he tends to be more in demand.

It is addressed to Neil.

I can see that. That's what worries me.

Remember that misunderstanding around the payment for the coach hire?

I do.

It cast a long shadow over the Alzheimer's picnic.

He isn't terribly good with money.

And who can forget what Paul reminded us in Romans?


Owe no one anything except to love each other.

I'm not sure that can be applied directly to contemporary financial transactions.

I want you to steam open the envelope and tell me what's inside it.

I don't know about that.

Well, I'm a Christadelphian but you're Church of England.

How's that relevant?

Well, firstly, Neil is Church of England so, spiritually speaking, he is of your flock.

And secondly, I think of the Church of England as having a less rigorous moral code than my own.

What's he going to do when I'm not here to look after him?

We can appoint trustees.

And he seems to manage.

He has his adventures and...

How much is it for?

You might want to bear in mind you're talking to a woman with an enlarged aorta.

When was your last check-up?


Oh, I should never have let him move out!

This is my fault. No, Mary!

I'm sure there's a way of paying this by instalments.

I'll go over and see him right now. No, he's not there!

He's gone up to London.


On parliamentary business, so he said.

Where are you going, mate?

House of Commons.


Is Tony Benn in today?

Couldn't tell you that, sir.

Well, could you not find out if he's clocked on or not?

I can't move from here, I'm afraid.

Could you leave him this note?

I'm a friend of his son, Stephen's, from Keele University.


Did you really meet him?


He was very nice to me.

Poor Tony.

Poor Tony, yes.

Did you mention our drains to him?

He was very busy.

They've not been right since next door did that paella for their ruby wedding.


They were going to go barbeque but the forecast was for low pressure from the east.

£800! That's not right.

No, it's not right, Neil. It's not right at all!

I buy an electric stamp, every week, from the Post Office. £5.

Neil, that only pays off £60.

This is the electricity you've actually used.

How do you even begin to use this much?

I pay a fiver a week.

I buy a stamp. Ask the woman at the Post Office.

How do you use that much?

I don't.

The budgies do.

I have to keep them warm, don't I?

Please tell me you don't have that two-bar electric fire on all day and night?

Why shouldn't I?

I pay it. I buy a stamp.

I've got it in a book somewhere.

How are we going to find £800? Don't worry, Mum.

Neil, love.

The whole point of you moving out was so you could learn to manage these things.

I'll pay it off when I get the Stoke City job.

There is no Stoke City job.

They appointed Lou Macari as the new manager this dinnertime.

Then I'll go and see him. First thing tomorrow.

And Lou Macari's going to pay your electricity bill, is he?

I wouldn't have thought so. Why would he do that?

God bless Dad. Look after him.

And God bless Mum. And let her not worry any more.

God bless the students.

And God bless Norman Barrett MBE, of Zippo's Circus.

God bless Gordon Banks.

God bless...

Ken Dodd.

And God bless Lou Macari and help him in his task to return Stoke City to the top division.


Or to the play-offs, at least.

For like Job we have been sorely destined.

Why, why, why, Delilah?

So before...

You can take us up, Lou. I hope so. I really hope so.

No, I mean I know you will.

Aye, good, great. Aye. Top man.

I told my vicar he'll make Bishop one day, and I'll be right about that too.

Aye, right, great. That's... that's great.

Macari! Macari!

Not been waiting out there all day, have you?

I have, yeah.

In case you needed me, like.

That's very good of you, but have you not got work to do?

I'm out of work at the moment.

I'm sorry to hear that.

And what's your trade?

Circus clown.


And what was your act?

Making people happy, you know.

I used to get chucked off the back of a fire engine every night.

So how come you got sacked?

Face didn't fit.

Night, then.


A clown, you say?

How do you fancy coming to work for me?

Kit man?

It'd be great, yeah.

I'll have to square it with the university, like, but I think they'll be alright with it.

What do you do at the university?

Help them out. With the students.

What, you don't get flung off the back of a fire truck there as well?

No, it's not really called for.

I suppose not.

Well, I'll see you on Monday then, aye?

See you Monday, Lou.

Top man.

Are you absolutely sure you've got this right, Neil?

The manager of Stoke City, Mr Lou Macari offering you, Neil Baldwin, a job?

Mr Lou Macari of Manchester United and Scotland, yes.

I'm starting a file on him.

You want a biscuit?

No, but you have one. Don't make crumbs.

You can only just see the pattern on the carpet as it is.

I know better than anyone how much you love football.

I know you love football because of me.

It's just that...

What exactly does it entail, this job?

Laying out the clean kit, picking up the dirty kit taking it to the laundry.

Well, you had me believing you 'til then.

You've never so much as picked up a dirty sock in your lifetime.

Your bedroom's like the hold in Noah's ark.

Are you sure you've got that right?

Are you sure you've got this right?

Tell the boss Nello's here.

What can I say? He was the right man for the job.

Thank you very much.

Come on.

O ye of little faith.

Wherefore didst thou doubt?

Matthew: 14.

Come on, out of the way!

You don't want any more injuries!

Who's that?

New kit man.

Keep it tight.

Get in behind that lumbering fullback of theirs.

Defending corners we leave Laino up.

But we need to get tight on their two big lads at corners.

Paddy, you stick to that big fella like glue. Alright? Don't let him breathe.

First to the ball. Don't give them time or space.

Now, we do that in the first 10 minutes and they won't worry us.

Laino. What?

What is it, son?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Get in here, you!

What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fucking hell is that?

Well done, lads. Great stuff out there today!

Well played, Paddy, son.

Well played, lads.

Oh fuck off!

Kick him out! He's trying to cheat! He's trying to cheat!

I took the head off.

Just in time, by the looks of you.

Bloody hell, Nello. A few spuds round you and you make a roast dinner.

I talked a girl out of killing herself once.

Young student.

What, dressed as a chicken?

No, course not.

Dressed as Father Christmas.

Oh, right.

And what's that got to do with the chicken suit?

Fancy dress. Good for morale.

Charlie Cairoli taught me that.

He's a very good friend of mine.

Just out of interest what did you say to that girl who wanted to kill herself?

I said, 'we've all got to go sometime, love, but why do you have to go now'?


Alright, gorgeous? Alright.

Ey up, how's it going, Nello? Good, yeah.

Nello! Nello!

Alright, mong?

Make sure that tea's ready and waiting for tomorrow.

I'm not a mong.

I'm a registered clown.

That was a bit harsh.

You've got to carry on.

Didn't you feel he was picking on you?

Because of your difficulties?

What difficulties?

O Lord my God when I in awesome wonder consider all the works thy hand hath made I see the stars I hear the mighty thunder thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to thee how great thou art, how great thou art!

Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to thee

how great thou art, how great thou art!

...You fat bastard! You fat bastard!

When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur and hear the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.

Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to thee...

A shock signing? Well, he's a bit of an unknown quantity.

I don't even really want to reveal his name.

Er, we'll let him do his own talking on the pitch.

And he'll be given an opportunity at pre-season matches.

We've got to get some weight off him.

Er, he's not in the best of condition.

But you know, I put my head on the chopping block and... and have taken that opportunity and brought him here.

Let's just see what lies ahead, Ivan.

Let's just take it from game to game.

Well, he's, er... He's Neil, isn't he?

You know what I mean.

I know. Neil, my son. Yes.

But he's just great to have around.

He's, er, well, he's funny.

He doesn't always mean to be.

Aye, well that does make it a wee bit funnier.

If you don't mind me saying.

No, not at all.

...couldn't fucking turn on a fucking manhole cover.

You've got love handles like my missus and she's six months pregnant!

Alright, Nello, got a fucking brew on, or what?

Sorry about that, Mrs Baldwin.

Where were we?

You were telling me why you've given my Neil a job.

Well, he's... he's genuine.

He doesn't have an angle.

And you go a long way in this game to find a bloke without an angle.

And the fact that... well, that he isn't perhaps as quick on the uptake...

Quick on the uptake?

We're talking about footballers here, Mrs Baldwin.

It's not exactly University Challenge out there.

Even so, I had thought...


I won't be around forever, and I have to be sure he'll be alright.

Of course.

What mother wouldn't want that?

I had put his name down for a monastery, for when I'm not here, to keep an eye.

He seemed to like it there.

A monastery?


Your son belongs in a changing room, Mrs Baldwin.

He loves it here. And we love him.

God, he gives us all a lift. And he's... indispensable.

Paddy. Yes, boss.

You'll do for me, young man.

Thanks, boss.

Laino. Yes, boss.

Just play.

How should I play, boss?

Play well.

And as for you, Thumper.

Bomber, boss.

I think you'll find Thumper's the name of the rabbit in Bambi.

I'm the boss.

If I call you Thumper, your name's Thumper.

Right, boss.

Let's just play the game right.

And the main thing is this this is what you've got to get into your noggins.

The main thing is: go out there and score more goals than the other team.

Thanks, Nello.

Was that supposed to be me, aye?

Brian Clough, boss.

Oh right. Cloughy.

Lou says I should give the team talk every week.

3 - 0, not surprised!

There might be a problem this week.

It's the boat race. I never miss the boat race.

Can't you tape it?

I don't watch it on the telly.

I'm on the river.

You might need to lose some weight if you're coxing.

I'm not in the crews.

I'm on the launch behind with the umpire and that.

Hi, Neil.

Hiya, Molly.

How'd you wangle that?

I just asked.

You can't just get things by asking.

Can't you?

I can.

Great win Saturday, Nello!

Up the Potters, Farouq!

Why would they let you on the umpire's launch?


Hey, Nello. How long are you going to be with those fucking pads?

Sort your own pads out.

Yes, Nello! Get in there!

You tell him, lad! You have him!

You flash bastard!

Did you put your wife's knickers on by mistake this morning or is there something you want to tell us?

These are pure silk boxer shorts, these, boss.

Kendall Mills, Deansgate.

If you're spending that much on underpants I'm paying you too much.

Valuable cargo.

Can't keep the crown jewels in a cornflakes box.

Hey, how much do you spend on your underpants, Nello?


My mum buys them for me.

Very wise.

Might be because you're protecting as little as possible, mate.


They weren't very nice to you.

There's always banter.

Nello. Nello!

Yes, boss?

Have you put on weight?

A bit.

Your mother will kill me.

I promised her I'd help you lose weight.

Hey, come on! Laino, I told you!

First touch! First touch!

Where the fuck are my boxer shorts?

Which one of you bastards has had them?

Sixty fucking quid's worth. That must be a blow.

Hang on!

My pants have gone too. What the fuck!

Some thieving YTS lad has definitely had them off. Million percent.

Yeah, that'll be it, yeah.

Those YTS boys, they'll steal anything that isn't nailed down.

Who asked you?

No. No, Nello, you haven't?

Yours are on the bottom, and they're a waste of money.

They're chafing right up my undercarriage.

Oh fuck!

My, my, my, Delilah!

Why, why, why, Delilah?

So before they come to break down the door forgive me Delilah, I just couldn't take any more.

So before they come to break down the door forgive me Delilah, I just couldn't take any more.


Her eyes aren't what they were. Mary, can you watch this light for me?

She has bifocals.

Do you know where you are?

I don't think either of them are right.

Do you know where you are?

My dad died here. Hold my hand, Mrs Baldwin.

When he was young. Can you grip it tight?

And I was young too.

That's good. I did very well.

And the other hand, can you do that one too?

She has bifocals.

She's very healthy. I'm not so healthy.

She eats salad. I eat chips.

She's always telling me.

We're going to get a consultant down to look at her.

I'd rather it was a doctor.

He's better than a doctor.

When will I take her home? I have to call a taxi.

She won't be going home tonight, I'm afraid. She really is very poorly right now.

She is, isn't she?

I think we need to get that consultant right away.

Yes, he's busy, but he'll be right down as soon as possible.

Is it Mr Saeed?

Yes, as a matter of fact. Why, do you know him?

He's a very good friend of mine.


How are you? Everything ok?

Very well, thank you.

Are we going to beat Portsmouth on Saturday?

If Laino's fit, we can beat anyone.

I love your attitude. This man is a force for good.

Has my registrar been looking after you?

He's very young.

My mum has had an episode.


Ok, well, let's see what we can do, shall we?

Have you ordered a CT scan?

Bloods? BP? Come on, what's been keeping you?


Let's go and have a look at her, shall we?

Third somersault... short.

That's the boner that cost me the triple. Not big, but fatal.

That's why we're gonna start from the beginning and make each move perfect before we go onto the next. I'll run it again for you.

Ey up, Nello! How's it going?


Is Laino going to be fit for Saturday?

Course he is, yeah.

Don't worry about that.


Now Neil, your mum has had a heart attack.

And that is why the oxygen isn't getting to her brain.

And that is why she's confused.

A heart attack. Yes.

So you are going to have to be strong for your mum now because she needs you to be.

I'll pray for her.

That'd be a good idea.

And I'll visit.

Also good.

I'll get the Christadelphians to pray for her too.

Excellent idea.

And you. At the temple.

More the merrier. That's what I say.

Very wise.

Have her home in no time?

Well, there is a possibility, Neil, that she might not be able to come home.

Her health hasn't been very good for a while now, as you know.

Social Services think they may have to find her somewhere where she can live and be looked after.

Do you understand? I do. Yes.

Have her home in no time?

Morning, boss.

You take as much time off as you need, Neil.


There's nothing more important than your mother's health.

I don't need to take any time off. She's going to get better.

How do you do it, Nello?

How do you stay so positive?

I've always wanted to be happy so I decided to be.


I'm going to write some of this stuff down!

If bad things happen, you think about good things.

Like what?


Best signing you ever made.

I wouldn't know where to start.

With the shorts.

The cleaner the shorts the better the player.

It means they've stayed on their feet longer.

Well, if you don't mind me saying, that's very much a kit man's point of view.

Cloughy thought it too.

Oh, so now I'm arguing with you and Cloughy, am I?

I'm assuming the budgie's not part of the food shop, son.

It's for me.

The man at the pet shop gave me a discount.

I've got your shopping.

Did you not take a list, Neil? I gave you a list.

I did it from memory.

Oh. Whose memory's this?

Not mine, that's for certain.

I've never eaten any of this stuff in my life!

What did you pay for all this?

Wasn't Doris on?

I've got it here somewhere. It doesn't matter really.

Just take the list next time, will you?

I'll write you a new one.

Fetch me the writing pad.

I've been keeping my flat clean as well.


What about you?

When did you last have a shave?

I'm going to call him Macari.


My budgie.

I'm going to call him Macari, after Lou Macari.


Everything has to start and end with love.

It's a simple message, but one that we can forget all too easily.

Now, as it says in Corinthians: 1

'If I speak in the tongues of mortals and angels but do not have love'

'I am a noisy gong or clashing cymbal.'

Now I think we've all encountered one or two noisy gongs in our lives.

You are looking after yourself, aren't you, Neil?

Yes, I am.

I always have.

Well, with your mum in the home and so on I can't help noticing... well...

I think you need to maybe take extra care of yourself.

So your mum doesn't worry too much about you.

I've got the Lord.

You have indeed.

I've got the students.


I've got Stoke City and I've got my mum.

What I want you to think about, Neil is what you would do if one of them wasn't there.

Well, I'd probably have the time to join the choir, for a start.



Are you feeling better for our little chat, Mark?


Thank you, Neil.

...Police would like to talk to anyone who was in the area in the early hours of Sunday morning.

More on that breaking story now.

We go over to the Victoria ground where Lou Macari has resigned as Stoke City manager to take up the vacant post at Glasgow Celtic.

The club have said they have already begun their search for a first-class successor.

I've no comments to make right now.

But... there'll be a press conference later on.

So you can check that out, see how we go. Alright?

During his time at the club Macari took the Potters to the play-offs, automatic promotion...


When Celtic come calling, a Glasgow boy like me has to say yes.

I know that, yes.

And whoever takes over here, I bet they'll find you as valuable as I did.

Do you want me to come? To Celtic?

Oh, I'd love you to.

But I think you're Stoke, through and through.

And I think the Rangers fans might eat you alive.

You're right. I'll stay put.

With my mum in the home and that.

She depends on me for shopping.


So no hard feelings then?

No hard feelings.

Are you staying on for Tommo's testimonial?

Oh, I can do better than that. I'm putting you on the bench.

I'm always on the bench.

Well, that isn't what I mean.

Come with me.

Midfielder or striker?

Oh, er, I haven't thought about that yet.

I'm not as quick as I was.

Oh, I daresay.

But the first two yards are in the head, boss?


Don't be late, Baldwin.

No, boss.

I'll be there.

Hiya, Mum.

I see you've had a shave. That's something.


I've done all your errands and all.

Have you now?

Can't have everything, I suppose.

Skimmed milk.

Because it's good for your faulty ticker.

Rice pudding.


The apples are tough on your dentures at this time of year.

And a packet of Immodium for your...

My indigestion, thank you.

Well, well, well.

You could do it after all.

I met Ken Dodd again last week.

He's a very good friend of mine.

The woman that runs it, this place, like she wants me to come in as Nello the clown tomorrow. So I will.

That'll cheer everyone up.

I asked her if I could bring you a canary and she said certainly.

I'll fetch you one in.

You're a good lad, Neil.

You know that business where you wanted to be a vicar?

That's all water under the bridge now, mum.

I didn't want to be bothered with doing a degree and what have you.

I know, son, but...

I didn't want you thinking that I didn't think you could do anything you wanted.

Anything at all.

I'm playing for Stoke City tonight.

Come on, Mum. It's only a testimonial.

Don't go just yet.

No, I won't.

Stay and hold my hand a while?


They used to call me Holy Mary, you know.

I know, Mum. I know.

I'm very proud of you.

Nello. Go and warm up.

Nello! Nello! Nello!

Paddy, get over here!

I'm going to bring Nello on, right?

When he gets in the penalty area, everybody get out.

Let him score, ok?

Now, tell our lads, and tell the Villa lads too.

Alright, boss.

Nello, get over here. You're going on.

Now, just hang about in the penalty area, alright?

And cause them problems.

How do I do that?

Well you're causing me a problem just looking at you so it shouldn't be too hard.

Ok, boss.

Anything comes near you, you hit it. Alright?

Right-o, like a brick out-house?

No, no, I mean the ball, not the other players.



Score one for your mum, Nello.


Ok, yeah. She'll like that.

Good luck, Nello!

Well played, Thumper.

It's Bomber. Like a plane or something. Not Thumper!

This really happened, by the way.

Did it?

Yeah it actually did. How could I let the fans down?

Did it really happen like that?


Come on, Nello. Cheer up, mate.

It's only a fucking testimonial.

I think it must have hit a bobble before I hit it.

Sorry I let you down, boss.


When did you let me down? Tonight.

After I slipped my marker.

I should've buried it.

I don't think slipping your marker was the problem, Neil.

I think maybe when you fell over.

The first time?

Well, to be honest, I don't think the second time helped either.

I skived the shot a bit, didn't I?

Aye, just a wee bit.

I think the ball's still rising now.

I think Jodrell Bank has just picked it up.

Must've hit a bobble.

Blinking groundsmen.

Happens to the best of us.

I wouldn't let it worry you.

All the best, boss.

It was you, by the way.

What was?

Remember when you asked me who the best signing I'd ever made was?

It was you, mate.

No contest.

Neil. You hadn't forgotten, had you?

I said I'd come as Nello, and I did.

I bought a canary too.

It's not part of the act, it's for my mum.

Could you come into the office for a minute, duck?

It was very peaceful.


She died in her sleep.

And she died proud of you.

We went in this morning and found her.

This morning?

That's right.

I rang this morning.

We wanted to tell you in person.

We thought it was better that way.

She didn't want me to leave.

Last night.

When I had to get my bus, she... she didn't want me to leave.

Morning. Hiya.

There aren't many mums who'd let their sons run off to join the circus.

But my mum did.

And she used to worry about my weight and she tried to give me salad.

But she meant well.

And after my dad died we were a team.

Like Stoke City.

We were a team.

And she worried about me.

And she didn't have to worry about me.

But she did anyway.

And she taught me good manners.

And that it's good to be nice to people.

And that's what I try to be.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you for coming.

Anything you need, Neil, call me.

I'm doing well, though, aren't I?

You're doing very well, yes.

I suppose I've got time for the choir now.

Why not?

You ok for a lift?

You're coming with me, aren't you?

Am I?

Oh... right!

Mary would have loved the service today.

I'm doing well, though, aren't I?

You are, Neil.

You really are. pastures green he leadeth me the quiet waters by.

My soul he doth restore again and me to walk doth make within the paths of righteousness e'en for His own name's sake.

E'en though I walk in death's dark vale there will I feel no ill

for Thou art with me...

How much did you say it was?


Is Doris not in?

SINGING My table Thou has furnished in presence of my foes.

My head Thou dost with oil anoint and my cup overflows.



Are you going already? Yes.

How are you coping? I'm coping well, yes.

I'm doing well, aren't I?

That's it.

In you go.

In you go. That's it.

Say hello.

Sorry. Excuse me.


How've you been keeping?

I'm doing well, everybody says.

I've brought you a bit of shopping.


I'm a bit worried about you, to be honest.

Haven't seen you at the match the last three home games.

I've been busy.


Life goes on. Right.

And I'm doing well.

So you keep saying.

How are the birds doing?

They're doing well, yeah.

Is that a new one? The white one?

It's a budgie from Zippo's.

Norman Barrett give it me.

It used to be part of his act but it's retired now.

Bloody hell, Neil. Even your budgies are celebrities.

Right. Freshers week starts on Monday.

You've got to get down there, snap up the good players for Neil Baldwin FC.

I don't know if I'll bother this time. My hip's been playing me up.

You know your mum would want you to get out there, don't you?

Doing what you're best at.

Meeting people and that.

She would. That's true.

No time like the present.

I don't know about that.

I've heard the Union are doing 2-for-1 hot dogs...

Does that include onions?

I should imagine so, yeah.


What are you doing here, this time of night?

Waiting for my lift.

Looks like they forgot.

Come on.

You shouldn't be hanging around on your own at this time of night.

I wasn't hanging around, I was waiting for a lift.

Which didn't come!

No, but you did.

What would you have done if I hadn't turned up?

You did turn up, though, didn't you?

I know. But what if I hadn't?

Somebody would've turned up.

You can't go through life relying on something just turning up.

Yes you can.

Well, I can, anyway.

Hiya, Gary?

You don't actually know me, but I'm calling on behalf of Neil Baldwin.

He's a very good friend of mine and I just wondered if you'd be kind enough to do us a huge favour...

When do we play?

Training every Sunday, matches Wednesday afternoon.

Right. Well, I play central midfield.

Oh, you play where I tell you to play.

I had trials for Macclesfield Town.

The problem is, son, I play central midfield.

This is a wind-up, right?

I'm just the club president, son.

It's the gaffer who makes the decisions.



Thanks a lot.

Yeah, thanks. See you at the weekend.

You, young man.

This is a ball.

All you've got to do is stick that in the back of the net. It's that simple.


We're only playing the Christian Union.

That's part of the problem.

They've got the Lord on their side.

You going to finish that pasty?

Fitness problem, you have.

I'm going to come on in the second half.

And play centre midfield.

I played for Stoke City.

Let's never forget that.

No, I don't suppose anybody ever will.

I thought you said you'd got a ref.

He'll be here.

Oh, it's not that lad from Islamic Soc, is it?

It looks like a strong wind would blow that guy over.

Premiership quality this time.

Oh, right, premiership?

Hi, Neil!


How are you? Alright, Uriah.

Good to see you.

This is Uriah Rennie, everyone. Uriah Rennie.

Hi. Alright, mate?

Alright, Uriah? I'm good, mate. How are you?

Good to see you.

It's Uriah Rennie.

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think.

Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink.

The years go by as quickly as a wink.

Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think!

You worry when the weather's cold, you worry when it's hot.

You worry when you're doing well, you worry when you're not.

It's worry, worry, all the time, you don't know how to laugh!

You'll think of something funny when they write your epitaph.

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think...

Take it again, you're off your line. What? There is no line!

Right, I'm booking it for this end.

...The years go by as quickly as a wink.

Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think!

Good one-two... And a good shot! What a goal!

What a goal!

Nello! Nello! Nello!

Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass.

Taking the five loaves and the two fish he looked up to heaven and blessed... and broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples.

And the disciples gave them to the crowds.

And all ate and were filled.

One of my favourites, feeding of the five thousand.

Now, why doesn't that surprise me, Neil?

Never trust a man who doesn't like his food.

I'm glad you enjoyed the sermon.

I always enjoyed your sermons.

That's why I told you you'd make Bishop one day.

It was like the first time I saw Mark Stein.

I knew he was special too.

Mark Stein?

33 goals in 57 matches.

I made you a card.

To say well done, like.

Thank you, Neil.

Thank you.

That means a lot.

And I've got a cockatoo.

Oh, no presents. I insist.

The card is more than enough. No, no, no.

The cockatoo is for me.

Fossett's Circus give it me.

It's got something wrong with its foot so it's not cut out for show business.

It lands on my head every night, without fail.

He said he give it me because he knew I'd look after it, and I will.

I'm sure you will.

Your mum always said you had a real knack for looking after animals.

She was proud of me, you know. My mum.

She was, Neil.

She was indeed.

Can you drop me off on the way?

Well, it's not really on my way.

It is if you go that way to drop me off.

Yes, of course, of course.

Can we stop off at the Co-op? I've got a spot of shopping to do.

Why not?

Why not.

One Neil Baldwin!

There's only one Neil Baldwin!

One Neil Baldwin! etc.

...One Neil Baldwin!

There's only one Neil Baldwin!