Masterminds (2016) Script

Fixed & Synced by bozxphd. Enjoy The Flick All I've really ever wanted was adventure.

That's what got me into the armoured car business.

Between the guns and the cash and the constant threat of violence, it seemed like a total dream.

But that's all it was - just a dream.

'Cause in reality, my day-to-day was as boring as any garbage man, pizza guy or paperboy.

Pick it up, drop it off, repeat.

Pick it up, drop it off, repeat.

Pick it up, drop it off, repeat.

I used to fantasise about getting robbed in the line of duty just to prove to myself that I would man up, given the chance.

But I was denied even that simple pleasure.

I blame popular culture.

See, I grew up watching spy movies.

They made it seem so fun, judo-chopping the bad guys and saving the girl.

I wanted that life, but it didn't quite pan out that way.

So I settled.

That's about the worst thing you can do, if I'm honest.

I mean, until you take a chance in life, you really never find out who you are.

My name is David Ghantt.

In 1997, I was a quiet middle-aged man knocking on 40.

But then, then the wind blew in Miss Kelly Campbell.

After four decades of waiting, my adventure finally came knocking.

What do you say you and me rob Loomis Fargo?

What? Come on!

That guy just did it a month ago.

The bank guard? Jacksonville?

Phillip Johnson. Yeah, Phillip Johnson.

Behind this wall, there is a million dollars.

Give me one reason why we shouldn't.

Well, for one thing, we could get fired.


Whoo! Hot dog!

Not bad.

You know what I'd do with $1 million?

Buy a crapload of CDs. Music is very important in my life.

What would you do with $1 million?

Probably start my own business, you know?

Maybe go after some felons or convicts, you know?

Be a bounty hunter or skip tracer or something like that.

You know, put a cap in there.

Oh! Oh! David! Oh, that burns!

Oh, my gosh! Let me see! Ow, Kelly!

Let me see! Let me see! Ow! Get it out!

OK. Oh, God, Kelly!

You're good. You're alright. OK.

You're OK. But, man, you nearly shot yourself a new butthole.

Yeah, went straight down the crack.

It feels like it just grazed my biscuits right betwixt them.

Yeah, doesn't hurt that bad. No, I think you're OK.

I mean, you got a nice big hole in your shorts.

It's just a skin burn. You're alright.


You go home and you fill your tub full of whole milk.

What's... what's that? Fill your tub with whole milk.

Whole milk? Yeah.

'Cause the fats, it's the fats that moisturise the skin.

I got ranch dressing. I could put a little ranch in.

Oh! I'll get it.

Well, if it isn't the future Mrs David Ghantt calling her honey.

Oh, no, no. That's Jandice. I'm late.

I forgot, gosh! What? Where you going?

Engagement photos.

Oh. That's nice. Yeah, so... Yeah!

I'm gonna walk backwards -

I don't want you looking at my derriere.

Well, I've seen it, hate to tell ya, crack and all.

Maybe I can stare at your crack one day and we can get even.

Hey, Dave!

Have another drink.

Jandice, I'm sorry I'm late.

That's OK. I'm glad you got here when you did.

I've been crying for hours. Have you?

Had to put my make-up on three separate times 'cause of the tears.

Well, third time's a charm. You look... you look fantastic.

Let's take some pictures.

♪ Who can say where the road goes

♪ Where the day flows

♪ Only time

♪ And who can say if your love grows

♪ As your heart chose

♪ Only time... ♪

Good lord, Jandice!

I've been saving that for you.

You farted right into my butthole.

It's like a fart transplant.

So how'd y'all meet?

I'm a sucker for courtship stories.

Well, if you must know, a couple years back I was at a Youth Praise concert at church, and I saw the most handsome man that I had ever seen in the world.

He was looking right at me.

We went on a date, and then we fell very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very deeply in love.

And then he died. Snakebite.

At his funeral, I was very, very distraught.

I couldn't keep myself together.

And I saw this... other man, a distant cousin of the deceased.

He was a pallbearer and he was kinda struggling to hold up his end of the casket.

I had a hard time lifting it up.

In any case, we got to talking afterwards.

And I thought, "Well, that one's dead.

"This one's alive.

"I'll take the live one."

Now here we are, two years later.

That's, uh, quite a story.

Yeah, we're happy as all get out.

I couldn't be happier. Me either.

Then one day, things took a turn.

I guess I... I sensed it coming.

But restless souls like Kelly usually don't stick around at a place like Loomis.

Here's a little snackaroo.

Taco salad with extra ranch.

David, thank you. Eat up.

I'm not really that hungry. Not now. I'm sorry.

What's going on now? Come on, you're just moping around.

Well... Rodney and I broke up.

No kidding! Yep. Last night.

Hey, hey, hey. What's going on in here?

You all are way behind schedule, so, Ghantt, I need you to get your bearded lady-face out there right now.

Wait, whoa, whoa! What'd you say to him?

You can't talk to David Ghantt like that.

He's the only one around here with half a brain.

He's smarter than you'll ever be.

We're gonna be outside, boss. No, no, no.

What the hell is your problem today, Kelly?

Maybe I'm feeling a little emotional.

Maybe I'm having a bad day, huh? Does that fit in your schedule?

You know, what I care about is getting that truck out there, southbound, A-S-A-effing-P.

And if I don't?

You're fired.

OK, then, fine.

Fire me, Ashley. Fire me. OK.

Kelly, I don't know... No, you know what?

I have been fixing to quit this job for a long time.

And besides, if I get fired, I get unemployment.

That's a good point. Then guess what.

You're not fired. OK!

What if I sexually harass one of your employees, huh?

Then you'll get in trouble if you don't fire me.

Just walk up to somebody and go like that.

What if I just do this kind of thing?

Oh, my gosh, this is so illegal.

You're gonna get fired for not firing me because I'm doing something so sexual and inappropriate...

Don't. ..for the workplace.

Look at that! Kelly! What if I did this?

Sexual, sexual dancing!

OK, you're fired now.

Leave the uniform!

Kelly, hold on a second.

I'll clean that up. Just...

Hey, uh... Hey, Kelly?

Can I get your phone number, you know, just to have it?

Um... Oh, yeah. Sure.

I don't have a pen on me.

No, you don't have no pen.

You got barely anything on your upper half. You got a bra.

They look good.

I mean, the bra looks nice and what it encases. Um...

I got a pencil right here.


You can just do it on my arm. With pencil?


Ooh, man, you really gotta press into the skin to make this show up.


Yeah. Here you go.

There's 10 numbers there. Oh, yeah.

The 1-4-3 at the end, that's sort of my thing I just always do.

It's code for "I love you" - you know, 'I' is one letter, 'love' is four letters, 'you', three letters.

I've just always done it. I don't know.

That's my thing.

That's pretty bad-ass.

That's cool.

Well, see ya.


Kelly always made me feel special.

- Like I could do anything. Idiot!

You know, be anyone.

Watching her leave Loomis was like watching a space shuttle shed its rocket boosters.

The shuttle goes up to new and exciting places.

Rocket boosters just burn into the atmosphere or sink into the ocean.

No-one gives a crap about rocket boosters.

Now, without my positive influence, Kelly fell in with a bad crowd.

In the weeks after she quit, she was spending all of her time on the rough side of town in a double-wide high-rise belonging to this man, Steven Eugene Chambers.

I think he was Kelly's neighbour or a friend from high school - might have been both.

Calling Steve a snake in the grass is an insult to snakes and to grass.

He was a petty thief mostly known for stealing tiny wheelchairs from paediatric hospitals.

As for Kelly, she'd all but forgotten about her days at Loomis Fargo, till the company made the news.

Police are reporting that Phillip Johnson, a Loomis Fargo security guard accused of stealing $20 million, has been arrested.

The 5-month manhunt began in March when Johnson allegedly robbed a Loomis depository in Jacksonville, Florida, before fleeing to Mexico.

The robbery was the largest in US history.

Next, your weather forecast.

Guess we gotta rob a bank if we want to get on The Big Show.

Yeah, I guess so.

Kelly works over at Loomis.

Worked. Quit three weeks ago.

She's over at Hardee's now.

Speaking of work, I gotta be there in an hour.

So, with that, I'll leave you lovely people.

See you, girl.

Hey, Kelly, seriously, what are we talking about?

Security-wise. Steve, sober up. For real.

I'm buzzed. I'm not drunk.

Come on. How hard can it be?

You load up a truck and you drive away.

I've heard you talk about it. Phillip Johnson did it, right?

Except the getting caught part.

I've known you since we were kids.

I can tell when you're not happy.

You wanna spend the rest of your life working the Hardee's drive-through, or do you want to be on the other side of that drive-through pulling up in a pink Rolls-Royce buying a year's worth of curly fries?

What I'm saying is it's gotta be an inside job.

Well, that's the thing, Steve. I'm not inside Loomis anymore.

But you must have made contacts.

You flirt with every pair of pants within five yards.

No, I don't!

I'm just saying you're a people person.

That's what you're saying? People like you.

You got that quality.

I mean, there's a guy at work that likes me, I guess.

I don't flirt with him, but my friend David.

Oh. Alright, alright.

That sounds promising.

And just how friendly were you and Big Dave?

OK, he's practically married and he's a good guy.

Yeah. We're all good guys.

I just want to know can we trust this guy David enough just to have a conversation?

I mean, how's he feel about you? Does he like you?

Or does he "like you", like you?

The Congressional Budget Office...

Is that your fiancée? No.


You smiling like hell, man.

Oh! He's here, he's here. Right there.

He's got roses. He's got flowers.

He's perfect. OK, shh. Turn around.

I got you these at the store.

Thank you. You're sweet. They're really lovely.

Well, now they have something in common with their new owner.

Oh... Ow!

There's a thorn on there.

The guy at the store said they were de-thorned.

A couple of big ones.

You look amazing, Kelly. Oh. Thanks.

Hair looks good. My friend Ricki cuts my hair.

Just cut my bangs last week.

Yeah, Ricki banged me out last time.



You have a...

Sprung a leak in your tit. Oh, my gosh.

Thank you. That thorn really got me.

Put some pressure on it.


Why isn't it milk?

I think you have to have a baby to have milk.

I'm sorry. Gosh, I'm just nervous.

I'm a bigger gentleman than that.

Um, David, I wanted to explain to you why I called you.


There's a gentleman in the booth behind me...

Oh, no, don't look. Don't look.

This gentleman is a friend of mine and he has an idea he'd like to share with you.

Can he hear me right now?

I hear you. I hear everything, David.

OK. What should I call you, sir?

Nothing. You don't ever need to see me or know my name.

You can refer to me as Geppetto.

Geppetto? Yeah, Geppetto.

As in Pinocchio. As in I pull the strings.

I think he means Stromboli.

What'd you call me? Nothing.

I just think you mean Stromboli.

Geppetto was just a wood carver.

Stromboli was the puppeteer.

Go ahead, though.

So Miss Campbell tells me y'all worked together over at Loomis.

Said you were one of their best employees, a straight arrow.

Clean as a nun's undies.

Well, I don't know about all that, but...

She said you're so trustworthy you're one of the only non-managers to have a key to the vault.

I think that's an incredible honour.

I also think it's an incredible opportunity.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Y'all aren't asking me to go in there and take...

David, I saw you walk in here.

You're a good-looking dude.

OK, there's no getting around that.

You carry your weight in your chest and your ass and it just...

You have a powerful build, and I think you deserve more.

What y'all don't realise is...

Thing is you can't pull a job off like that on your own.

You need confederates, people with a vested interest in protecting that loot while you're laying low down in Mejico.

Loomis Fargo may look like a big warehouse, but the money inside belongs to the banks.

If you take it, technically speaking, you're robbing a bank.

And that's a federal offence.

84 months minimum.

No, shh. David, just listen.

We're just... just talking, you know.

Just think about it.

I love it, Mother.

I feel like a giant porcelain doll.

Mine's a little tight, especially around the cumberbrumber... the cucumberbun.

I know it's too tight.

I was hoping it would motivate you to lose a couple pounds.

Well, I stopped eating them Goo Goo Clusters like you asked.

Hello? David?

Hello? Hey.

Yeah. It's a work thing.

Kelly, what are you doing calling me here?

It's not a good time.

Oh, OK. I was just feeling kinda lonely.

You're lonely? Yeah, I mean...

I don't know, I guess I just miss you a little bit.

I hope that's OK to say. I mean, I know you're engaged.

No, no, no, don't censor yourself, please.

Well, this is gonna be... this is gonna be amazing, baby.

I just don't know if I have the nerve, you know, to take all the money and go down to Mexico and then be on the run from the law and who knows what else will come up out of this.

The truth is I'm a little disappointed that you don't trust me.

No, Kelly, I trust you. I just don't trust Geppetto.

Well, what if, um... what if I went with you?

Kelly, that would be the greatest thing that ever happened to me, if a man's being honest.

I could do that eventually. I mean, not right at first.

Oh, not at first. No, the timing would be bad.

The timing would be bad on that.

You know, think about it.

Two lovers on the lam in Mexico.

Bonnie and Clyde. You know, we could pop on over to Brazil.

Have you ever... ever been to Rio?

I've never even been to the airport but about twice in my life.

Oh, it's a real magical place.

Yeah, all those planes landing and taking off and such.

No, Rio. Oh, Rio. Yeah, yeah.

You know, they say the beaches there, they're like... like powdered sugar.

You and I can spend all our money on fancy luxury hotels and buy expensive negligees and just rub each other all day with coconut... juices.

Put rose petals all over the bed.

You know, just sit around and eat jam.


David, are you there? Hello, David?

Kelly, I'm in. Let's do it.

Let's rob Loomis Fargo.

It's gonna be amazing.

OK, well, I gotta run.

I gotta go wash my pantyhose with my mouth.

Do what?

'Bye, David.

There he is.

The man of your dreams.

He'll live here with us forever.

It's like you're marrying both of us, David.

Me AND Mama.

David, have you given much thought to what you'll be doing for your honeymoon?

Yeah, I got a few plans. Yeah, I do.

I'll tell you what he won't be doing if he doesn't lose some weight.

That's a good Goo Goo Cluster.

♪ Bang goes the gun

♪ But I'm already gone

♪ Bang goes the gun

♪ But I'm already gone

♪ I'm a lean machine

♪ I'm ready and mean

♪ I'm always on the run

♪ Bang goes the gun

♪ I'm already gone... ♪ Where's the money? Who else is involved?

We know you have the money!

Come on!

Oh. Oh.

Close. Close.

Come on, pick up the pace!

In Mexico, you may have to live off the land for a little bit.

Yeah. I got you a tarantula.

Whoa! He's dead.

Don't worry. He's dead?

Maybe you should try him. Get your immune system built up.

That's not bad.

That's not as bad as I thought it'd be.

What the hell you doing in my house?!

Sorry! Sorry! Who do you think you are?!

My apologies, sir!


♪ Bang goes the gun

♪ But I'm already gone

♪ Bang goes the gun

♪ But I'm already gone

♪ Bang goes the gun

♪ I'm already gone

♪ Aah! ♪ Are you sure McKinney's OK with me jacking with his identification?

Yes, yes, McKinney doesn't value government documents the way you and me do.


There's Ghantt.

Ghantt, man!

Have a good weekend. Hey, look, you too, man.

Tell your kids I said hello.

Yeah, OK. You too.

Come on, David, you got this.

It's go time.

David, are you there?

Kelly, guess what I'm doing right now.

What? What are you doing? I'm robbing a Loomis Fargo!

I knew you could do it. I'm so proud of you.

It's just paper. It's a lot of paper, but it's just paper.

Yeah, paper that's gonna change our life.

"Our life." I like that.

Two lives, one heart, like conjoined twins, right?

Hey, enough with the love-fest.

I need you to come back from Planet Cornball and focus on the robbery.

Geppetto, this happens to be a private conversation, OK?

No! This is NOT a private conversation.

It's a robbery. Now, I bought these walkie-talkies...

Ghantt, you got a bogie flying in.

Repeat, you've got company.

David, it's Ty, it's Ty. He's coming's back!

Ghantt, do you copy? You've got...

Hey. Who's that?

What the hell is going on here?

I'm gonna tell Chad on your ass. I caught you red-handed.

Ty, listen here. This ain't what you think, buddy.

Screw Ty. Just don't cut Ty in.

You said there wasn't no overtime this weekend.

No, you're... you're right. There's no overtime.

It's just... I'm just picking up an extra shift.

The next one is mine. The next one's yours, yeah.

Sneaky ass.

Say hi to your kids, alright?

I repeat, Ghantt, do you need backup?

What is your situation in there? Do you need...

Yeah, I... I... That's my fault, Geppetto.

I turned it off by accident, OK?

David, stay calm. You got this.

Yeah, OK, yeah. Just listen to me.

♪ No, no, no, no

Kelly, I could listen to that all day.

But let me get my robbery going, OK?

♪ Ooh, oooh... ♪

Ghantt, it's been two hours.

What is taking you so long?! Over.

OK, I think that's everything but the cameras.

You fucking maggot pig!


No! No!

I'm locked in!

These birthing hips.


Nuggets! Whoa!

Oh, God, my nuggets are bruising!

What's he doing?! Help!


Don't let him see your face.

Ghantt, you idiot! What are you doing?!

Unlock the door. I'm stuck!

Check that door over there.

You idiot, you drove it right into the ditch!

This door's locked too. He said this one's locked too.


Any of you yard apes try the back?

Did you try it? No.

I'm sorry this isn't too comfortable for you.

No, it's OK.

It should get you through the airport. It's about 20 grand.

I'm gonna start you off light and send you the rest.

Well, 20 grand's good where I come from.

That's a year's salary.

Yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah.

We did it.

Well, YOU did it.

Oh, here. Geppetto wanted me to give you this.

It's your fake ID.

So my name's Michael McKinney now?

McKinney, yeah. He's actually a real person.

He's friends with Geppetto. Oh, here.

He gave us his birth certificate to give to you too, so take that.

Oh, here, this is a disguise I made for you for leaving the country or whatever.

OK, you ready to go?

Oh... Oh.

Gosh, yeah, I'm sorry about those contacts again.

I thought 'anaconda' was a brand name.

No, I like it. This is a top-shelf disguise.

I look like if Jesus and a cat had a baby.

Yeah, you do, kinda. Yeah.

Which is a nice thought too, you know?

It is. Well, he made cats, so... He made cats.

I don't know why you wouldn't have a half-Jesus/half-cat around.

I guess this is hasta la muerte.

Remember to call that pay phone every Tuesday and Thursday.

Don't forget. Yeah.

Oh, no. Are they irritating your eyes?

They're getting all cloudy.

I think that has everything to do with my heart rather than my eyes, Kelly.


Thanks. You're a good kisser.

Am I? Yeah, you actually are.

Well, there will be a lot more of that down in Mexico, OK?

1-4-3, Kelly Campbell.


Your attention, please.

Smoking is not permitted in the airport except in designated areas.

Hold it right there, sir. Right there.

OK, you're good to go, sir.

Have a good day.


I thought I had it.

I just...

My bad.

I have cats.

Well, folks, we've reached our cruising altitude, so I've gone ahead and switched off the 'fasten seatbelt' sign.

Should be smooth sailing for quite some time.

Alright, what we got? Company van's missing.

Signs of a violent exit.

Suspect took three surveillance tapes, left a fourth one behind.

Could be toying with us. What do we know about this David Ghantt?

Does he have anybody? Fiancée, Jandice Gartrell.

Well, let's go talk to this Miss Jandice.

Let's rock'n'roll.


A fortune is missing from a regional bank and so is the guard assigned to protect it.

Employees at the Loomis Fargo armoured car...

What? Daggum.


$17 million. Are you sure?

Police are calling it one of the largest cash heists ever on American soil.

$17 million! $17 million!

Authorities are now searching for this man, Loomis guard David Scott Ghantt of Kings Mountain.

He is 5 feet 8 inches tall, medium to stocky build, blue eyes, a beard, bangs and shoulder-length hair.

♪ Don't pull your love out... ♪ Whoo!

♪ If you do, then I think that maybe

♪ I'll just lay me down

♪ Cry for a hundred years

♪ Don't pull your love out on me, honey

♪ Take my heart, my soul, my money

♪ But don't leave me drowning in my tears

♪ You say you're gonna leave... ♪ Get off my... Get off!

Get it off!

Eel attack! Oh! Eel attack!

♪ Anymore

♪ Don't pull your love out on me, baby

♪ If you do, then I think that maybe

♪ I'll just lay me down

♪ And cry for a hundred years

♪ Don't pull your love out on me, honey

♪ Take my heart, my soul, my money

♪ But don't leave me drowning... ♪


OK, you get the gist.

Miss Jandice, I'm so sorry.

I know it's gonna take you a little time to process through all of this, of course.

I understand, but any details that you can give us regarding your fiancé's whereabouts?

Or his motives?

It appears he fled the state, ma'am. Possibly the country.

I never liked David.

So, um, where you staying?

I'm at the Pantano.

It is a 5-star hotel with a minibar.

It's got premium cable TV. I mean, the whole works.

Ooh, fancy man.

I mean, you'd love it down here. You gotta get down here.

It's something else. When are you getting down here?

Soon. Yeah, real soon.

I should be there pretty soon.

Oh, good. Well, I miss you like crazy, I really, really do.

You know, Bonnie needs his Clyde.


Well, I have to run and pick up some tissue for my grandma.

'Bye, David. OK. 'Bye.

What are you doing?

It's time to cut David Ghantt from the team.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about...

What? You're turning him in?! Yeah, I'm turning him in.

'Cause if they don't find someone, they're gonna be looking for everyone, alright?

That's an extra three milsky for both of us.

No, I am not letting you do this.

OK, David Ghantt is my friend. He's my friend too, Kelly, OK?

I've gotten to know David through this process also.

You don't think this isn't hard for me?

My heart is literally breaking right now.

Look, we can't do this, OK? This is wrong!

No, I'll tell you what's wrong.

David leaving the tape in the vault.

That was wrong. He screwed up.

What if he gets caught, huh? He's gonna say something.

He's gonna end up talking about you and me.

What's he gonna say? He's never seen my face.

He doesn't know my name. All he knows is Geppetto.

Yeah, but...

He's not gonna say anything about you, Kelly.

I mean, the guy's head over heels.

And I know that makes you feel guilty, and I feel guilty too.

David's drowning, and if we're not careful, he's gonna pull us under with him.

It's like the three of us were on a yacht, OK, and he ignored the captain, got too close, fell in, and now he's drowning - he's waving to us.

And I'm trying to keep you from going in after him, or it's three people drowning.

We gotta say goodbye and let him go under, knowing that we're gonna circle back and get him.

You know, like in 15 years, whatever the federal mandatory sentencing guidelines are for bank robbery.

And by the way, we're talking about federal prison.

You gotta think of, like, a community college with, like, a big fence around it, and maybe some snipers.

But they're playing softball, they're typing.

They're learning things. There's crafts, there's archery.

I'm not kidding. That's what it's like.

And I wouldn't be surprised if David is giving us both like, "Thank God you guys did that. Attaboy."

This is for the best of the team. Let me do this.


Buenas tardes.

Soy Raydel Quintero, Interpol.

Gracias. Vamos.

Give me a break!

How you doing, George?

The ice machine on five's not working.

Pardon me?

The ice machine by my room, it ain't working.

We'll have it fixed right away, Mr McKinney.

OK, thank...



Hey! Wait right there! Wait, wait, wait!

No, no, no, no, no, Michelle.

We gotta stick to the plan, OK?

We cannot start attracting attention to ourselves.

Yeah, we made millions of dollars.

We got it, but we agreed to lay low.

Baby, I am not asking for a whole new wardrobe.

I just want a little blouse. I know, but I gave my word.

...and a little skirt to go with it.

You know my word's my bond, Michelle.

Steve, Stevie, Stevie, Steve. What?

I mean, think about all those people been holding us down our whole lives, saying terrible things about us, that we're dumber than a suitcase full of buttholes.

Who said that? That our car's broke down.

That our kids are the ugliest kids in the park.

Dang it, one blouse, but that's it! Alright?

That's it! One little thing. That's all I want.

Just one little thing, baby, to celebrate.

And maybe just a little, you know, like, a little something for the boys.

No, no. Now, Michelle, please, don't push it.

I'm not gonna do anything for the kids.

They gotta learn that presents just don't show up under a Christmas tree.

I mean, I'd like to see these turkeys go out and earn $17 million.

Wouldn't even know where to begin.

♪ I just want to celebrate

♪ Another day of livin'... ♪

♪ I just want to celebrate

♪ Another day of livin'... ♪ You feel it?

♪ I put my faith in the people

♪ But the people let me down

♪ So I turn the other way and I carry on anyhow

♪ That's why I'm tellin' you I just want to celebrate... ♪ We'll take it.

♪ Yeah

♪ I just want to celebrate

♪ Another day of life

♪ Had my hand on a dollar bill

♪ And the dollar bill blew away

♪ But the sun is shining down on me

♪ And it's here to stay

♪ That's why I'm tellin' you I just want to celebrate

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ I just want to celebrate another day

♪ Oh, I just want to celebrate

♪ Another day of livin'

♪ I just want to celebrate... ♪ Yeah! You did it!

Yeah! We did it!

♪ Don't let it all get you down No, no

♪ Don't let it turn you around and around and around

♪ And around and around... ♪

Take a look at that phone and tell me what you see.

A phone? I know.

But what's it not doing? Ringing?

Which probably means that our amigo south of the border is otherwise occupied by the Mexican Federales now.

Do you think he's OK? He's fine, he's fine.

He's gonna be in a Mexican prison.

It's not some hellhole like everyone makes it sound.

They're gonna be serving good food.

It'll be simple peasant food - tortillas, frijoles.

We'd be lucky to get that food up here in el norte.

It's authentic there.


Oh, what do I do? What do I say?

Pick it up, but if it's him, find out where he is.

OK, but this time get the room number.

Hello? Hey, Kelly?

Oh, David, you're OK.

I mean, you're... How are you? Are you OK?

Well, good and not so good. I had the Mexican police after me.

Oh, you're kidding. Had to make myself a disguise.

I look like Gene Shalit from 'The Today Show'.

Location - find out where he is.

You tell me how it's going down here.

So, um, where are you exactly?

Cozumel. It's an island right off the coast a ways.

Kelly, when are you coming down here anyway?

I mean, I'm getting a little light in the wallet.

I might need a re-up.

Well, if the Mexican police are after you, then I should probably be careful, you know?

The airports are probably swamped with security and stuff.

Steven Eugene Chambers.

What? How...?

How do you know his name?

Steve Chambers.

Um, listen, we're gonna just keep calling him Geppetto, though, OK?

This is Geppetto? Ha! Ha.

Well, he doesn't look anything like I thought he'd look.

He looks like Ric Flair's little boy.

OK, well, listen, I gotta go, OK?

'Bye, David. 'Bye.

Kelly, hold on one sec. Kelly!

Dammit! Did he say my name? Does he know who I am?

Kelly? Yes.

You told him. I didn't!

Did you tell him?! I did not tell him!

Then how? He'd have to know it through you!

Something about a wallet! It's not my fault!

So... who y'all want me to kill?

Whoa! Oh, Mike...

No, no, no, no, we'll talk about it later.

Not now. Not in front of...

Oh, I see.

Is it one of them?

What? No! Mike, Mike...

Boys, get upstairs right now.


Mike, you... you dropped something.

Oh. Pardon me.

Well, you know what, I think we can go right to the meeting.

We don't have to wait to get into my office.

I'm gonna give you a picture of the guy I wanna show you so you know who you're looking for.

Hmm. You think you can handle that?

Now, I gotta say, I don't know his exact location, so you're gonna have to do a little bit of intel.

Mm-hm. I don't mind the hunt.

I bet you don't.

And when you get there, just be patient, bide your time, wait for a clean shot.

Wait a minute.


You mean I gotta use a gun?

Yeah. Why, is that a problem?


No, I was just...

You know, I just prefer to use a blade.

Do you? Or a rusty piece of piano wire.

Something to choke him.

'Cause I like the struggle.

I prefer it.

'Cause when I take a life, I like to take it.

It ain't your life no more.

It's my life.

It's my life.

How you doing, Mr Robertson? I'm with the FBI.

You look like you're with the WNBA.

Excuse me? I told everybody already.

I don't know why he took the money or where he at.

Sit your ass down!

17 million is missing. 17!

That's federal agent money. That's MY money!

And I'm not about to have my pocket picked.

No, no, siree Bob!

Especially by this cat right here.

Look at him. Look at him.

He look like Kenny Rogers and Kenny Loggins had a love child.

And then Kenny G, he just showed up to the birthday party, started playing a flute and messed this boy up.

I know Ghantt had help on the inside.

Yeah, and you know what, bruh? You'd better start talking.

If we don't find out who stole that money, we gonna lock somebody up.

You know who that is? This dude right here.

Yep. It's a nice picture, ain't it?

Yeah, they're gonna love you in jail, dude.

What do you want from me?

Well, I want you to start talking.

Tell me who he was close to. Nobody.

'Cause I know you know. You do. Nobody.

Who was he close to, man? I know you know!

Wait, wait. There was a girl. There was a girl.

There was a girl, she quit about a month ago.

About a month ago. Is that right?

Had a real white girl name. White girl name.

Like Becky, Susie, uh, Katie. Katie!

Katie? It was Katie. Definitely Katie.

Katie Caramel. Katie Caramel Corn.

Katie... No. Katie Candy... Cane... Katie Candy Cane?

Katie Candy Cane. What is she, a stripper?

I don't damn know.

Katie Candy Cane, I'm coming for you, baby.

Yep, you and all your stripper friends.

I was wondering if you had an American man staying there.

He... Um... How would I describe him?

He's, um, got a lot of body hair.

He's kinda short.

Um, looks like one of the 12 apostles.

You have three men that are staying there that fit that description?

OK, well, can I please leave a message for all three of them?

Thank you.

Um, I'd like to say, um, "Someone is trying to murder you."

Yes. Yes. Thank you so much.



What about that one right there?

This gun has secrets. Don't it?

Don't you?

I don't speak Spanish.

I'll take that one, please.

Yeah, my... my lady friend is coming down to Mexico.

We're looking to get married.

I don't want to jinx the honeymoon, but...

What was that?

Hey, you OK, buddy?

Hey! You gonna run or what?

Steve don't want me to chase you, but I prefer it.

Go! I said run!

Here we go!

Go, go, go! Por favor, go!

Don't stop! Oh!

Go! Muy rapido, muy rapido, go!

Go faster! Go, go, go! Faster!

Not that fast! In the middle!

Watch the llama! Argh!

Slow down a bit! OK!

Look out!


Keep going, keep going, keep going!

Go straight. Keep going straight!

No, not to the right!


I thought I'd never hear your voice.

I was... Are you OK?

Well, I mean, a man is trying to murder me here.

They chased me all the way around town.

A big old pervert-looking guy. I think he's trying to kill me.

I don't know if he's done with me, but I don't know what's going on.

David, look, I'm sorry. Steve just... he panicked.

You weren't ever supposed to know his real name.

And I just... I tried to send you a message.

I tried to warn you he'd do something.

Steve said he was gonna try to kill me?

Why would he, if he knew you and me was lovers?

That don't make any sense!

OK, well... the truth is...

...I don't believe Steve was ever gonna send you any money.

And he's been playing you the whole time.

And I swear I never knew his intentions, I swear.


What were your intentions, Kelly?


I don't know.

I guess I just figured you'd go down to Mexico and order a round of daiquiris with flowers in them and meet a little mamacita and forget all about me.

But... you didn't.

No, no, Kelly, you was gonna be my mamacita.

I don't know what to say...

David, you are such a wonderful person.

You have to know that I think that.

Just shut up, Kelly! Just shut up!


You always told me to stand up for myself. Well, here goes.

You are a manipulator of human emotions.

And I never, ever want to talk to you again.

Wait, Dav...

There we go.

Oh. Look who's awake.

Hey, whoa, whoa. What's going on here?

I'm accessing the sewer line.

What's going down there?

You mean down here?

That's gonna be you.

You listen to me. I-I-I can pay you.

I can pay you. Oh, yeah? What do you got?

Give me that.

Let's see what kind of scratch we're talking about.

5, 20, another 20...

I'll get you more. OK?

$48. I-I got... I can get you more.

I don't know if this is going to be enough. You know.

Yeah. That's too bad. I was open to negotiation.

But at this point, I reckon I'm just gonna have to do it the way I'd already dreamt about it.

Hey, uh, listen here. You listen here.

Wait. Hey, hey, hey. Easy.

Where do you think you're going, huh?

Anywhere you're going from now, I'm gonna send you, OK?

You ain't got nothing to worry about travel-wise now, mister, uh...

...Michael McKinney.

Your name's Michael McKinney?


Michael Aaron McKinney?



They never told me.

That's my name too.

What...? Where'd...?

You were born on May 8, 1961, huh?

Uh, not... Yeah. In, uh, St Francis Hospital?

Pigeon Forge, Tennessee? Is that right?

Yeah. Uh, home of Dollywood.

Your name is Michael Aaron McKinney.


Me name Michael Aaron McKinney.

I don't know what that means, but what I do know is that God or the galaxy has brought us together.


This means you ain't gonna cut me up, right?

Forgive me, Michael.

You gotta forgive me, please.

Oh, I do.

I forgive you.

Just like that.


Hey, you ever see 'The Parent Trap'?

That Walt Disney film with that... that Hayley Mills lady?

That was a powerful flick. I remember that movie.

About how them two girls, they raised separately, but then they meet each other at summer camp and it blows their tiny minds.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's kind of how I feel right now.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm wondering?

Seeing as we was born in the same hospital on the same day...


...we must have been right next to each other in that little baby place, right?

That makes sense, yeah.

Well, maybe at some point, I turned and looked at you and you rolled over, you... staring at me, and even though our eyes was all gooey and whatnot, we made a promise to one another right then and there that we'd find each other again some day.

Yeah, yeah. I reckon we did.

Yeah. Yeah.

I like you, Michael McKinney. And I'm awful glad we met.

Yeah. I'm glad we met too. Been a pretty good hang.

Sleep tight, little brother.

Miss Campbell, how long did you know David Ghantt?

Um... I don't know. Around four months, I guess. M-maybe five.

And during the time that you were partnered with him, did he seem restless?

No. Not that I remember. No.

I mean, I... I don't really know him too well. So...

Huh. Miss Campbell... Look. Um...

I know you're just two good men doing a difficult job, but, uh, I only worked there for a short while, and...

You know, maybe you should talk to someone who worked at Loomis at the time that David Ghantt committed his atrocities.

Well, that's what we did. And you know what they told us?

They said, "Talk to Kelly Campbell. They were close."

They even led us to believe that David Ghantt may have held a torch for you.

Huh? That he was in love with you.

That's crazy.


Miss Kelly, you... you alright?

Yeah. I just have, um, some seasonal allergies.

Think I'm allergic to those flowers or something.

Plastic flowers? Yeah.

It's the craziest thing. Will you excuse me for a minute?

She called me a dude.

Damn it! Can... Can somebody get the...

Hello? Yeah. This Steve Chambers?

H-how'd you get this number? Mike McKinney had it on him.

Where's Mike McKinney?

That ain't none of your business.

OK, D-David, take it easy. No, you take it easy.

I opened a Mexican bank account and here's what I expect.

Now, wait a second, Ghantt! Hold it!

I expect $6 million down there two days from this very second.

I'm starting to feel like a corn dog at a hot dog party, and it ain't flattering, I'll tell you that!

And I'm starting to lose my temper.

David, I-I don't know what you think is happening, but I am not your enemy, OK?

Listen to me.

The name of the bank is Banco Lujo.

If there ain't $6 million in there two days from this very minute, I will turn myself in to the interpolice and yours will be the first name I give 'em.

Ghantt! Sonofa... God!


How we doing in there? Oh. I'm good. Thank you.

Well, look at this.

That wouldn't even begin to cover mine.

You know, something I learned about thongs the real hard way, this little string can be kinda like a freight train transporting bacteria from your who-now down to your what-now.

All aboard.

Next stop, Yeast Infection City.

I don't want to get off there.

And don't get me started on the chafing.

But just in case, I always carry a good feminine cream.

This one's mine. It's prescription.

Oh, that's a big tube. It doesn't take your vag away.

Just the horrendous itch.

Thank you. I'll, uh... I'll be sure to pack some with me.

It's you. Jandice.

You're David's mistress from work.

He had a picture of you in his hope chest.

No, no. That's not me.

You're a skank whore! Get off of me!

I'll never let you go. Is everything OK?


Ah! Stop!


No! Not the Vagaway! No!

They don't make it anymore. Ugh!


You're crazy!

I'd like to make a withdrawal, por favor.

It is empty, señor.

It's empty? Do you mind...

Do you mind checking one more time, por favor?


Hello. Interpol. Agent Steve Chambers.

Ha-ha! Some joke!

Unlike you, Chambers, I happen to be a man of my word.

Guess where I'm standing - right in front of the police station.

And guess what I'm getting ready to do - introduce myself.

Well, you gotta do what you gotta do, Ghantt, but, uh, before you do, can you say a quick hello to somebody?

David, it's me. I'm fine! Don't tell him anything!

That's enough. Shut her up.

I think you will recognise that voice as belonging to the lovely Kelly Campbell.

I ain't got no interest in talking to her.

Is that right? I know all about your little rendezvous.


Cut the crap, Ghantt!

I just caught Kelly with her bags packed, sneaking down to Mexico.

Had a ticket to Cancún and was halfway out the door.

She was?

You're not gonna see Kelly Campbell for a good long while, 'cause she's gonna be living in a toolshed on my property, eating dog food and peeing in a Mason jar.

Put Kelly on the phone right now!

Second thing. You're gonna get a one-way ticket to South America.

OK? 'Cause there's too much heat down there.

Once you leave, once the heat's off, we'll let Kelly go.

You do anything to Kelly, I'm gonna be really upset!

You got my word. I won't harm Kelly.

Have a good one.



Startled you, huh?

Hey. Come on, now. There we go.

Oh, boy. Oh, look at that. Your heart's really beating hard.

Jeez, Louise. I really scared the heck out of you, didn't I?

You OK? I'm choking.

You alright? Want me to get you some horchata?

That's alright. I'm just choking on... choking on my cholo.

Well, what are you doing?

You know, just heading back to the States. Got another job.

No kidding. What are you doing? Tax preparation.

Oh, are you? That's nice. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I'm just fooling. Yeah. It's gonna be more murder.

Oh, is it? OK. Yeah. Yeah, you know.

Yeah. Gotta do what I do.

Yeah. OK.

Gotta dance with the one that brung you.

Good news is this one's gonna be a turkey shoot.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Some woman.

Oh, good! Ladies are easier. Yeah. Much easier.

Don't put up much of a fight. Oh!


Well! That's me.

Is it? OK. Yeah. What about you?

Where you headed? I'm going down to, uh, Rio.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big butt central.

Yeah! Big butt central. Yeah.

I hear the women down there have big cabooses, you know?

Yeah. No, I guess the women do too.

Yeah, it's true. Yeah. O... Huh.

OK, now. Best of luck to you in the...

You know, the... Killing for money?

Yeah. I appreciate you.

Alright. That's real nice of you.

OK. Have fun. Travel safe. Yeah.

Hey, Mike. Vaya con dios, compadre.


Hold on. You know this gal? You know Kelly Campbell?

That's what I've been trying to tell you. She's my girlfriend.

Oh! Michael, I can't kill your woman.

No, you can't kill my girlfriend.


Hey. What?

You want to go to Rio de Janeiro?

You mean switch places, don't you?

I do.

Like a couple of Hayley Millses. Yep.

I surrender.

Ow! God almighty!

Hey. Come here. Hey!

You listen to me. You be careful up there, OK?

That Steve can be trouble. Go! Go!

I can be my own trouble sometimes, you know?

All passengers are limited to two carry-on items.

I'm positive, Steve. He never got off that plane.


I'm coming to you now.


We've been watching Steve and Michelle Chambers for some time now in connection with the Loomis Fargo heist.

We got evidence of crazy bank transactions.

Wild shopping sprees. No kidding.

But what we don't have is a confession.

That's where you come in.

Well, from the day they moved in, I told Doug there was no way that those people came by that money legitimately.

Cathy's always had a keen sense of who belongs and who doesn't.

Maybe it makes me a snob.

What it makes you, Mrs Jeffcoat, is a patriot.

Now, we're gonna be listening to everything you and Steve talk about.

So try to get him to show you around the compound.

You know what I mean? Butter him up.

Make him feel like he's part of the clan.

Get him to reveal his secrets. Yes.

Mr Jeffcoat.

If you could breathe through your nose, not your mouth, it'd be great for the recording.

Yeah, I could do that.

Hi! Look. It's the Jeffcoats. Welcome.

How you doing, boss? Steve.

You doing OK? Yes.

What...? What is wrong with him? Why does he sound like that?

It's a booger whistle. It's...?

His mucus has dried into the shape of a whistle.

What... Really? Yes.

Come on. Let's get in here.

I'll, uh, show you where the bar is.

Come on. Here we go.

Hi. Bonjour. Welcome.

Well, hi, neighbour. Isn't that a lovely little basket?

There's a gift... Alright. Well, enjoy Neptune's Conch.

♪ This is how we do it

♪ This is how we do it

♪ This is how we do it

♪ This is how we do it

♪ It's Friday night

♪ And I feel alright

♪ The party's here on the West Side

♪ So I reach for my 40 and I turn it up

♪ Designated driver take the keys to my truck

♪ Hit the shore 'cause I'm faded

♪ The honeys in the street say, "Monty, yo, we made it!"

♪ It feels so good in my 'hood tonight

♪ The summertime skirts and the guys in Kani

♪ All the gangbangers forgot about the drive-by

♪ Gotta get your groove on... ♪ Kelly.

♪ Before you go get paid

♪ So tip up your cup and throw your hands up... ♪ I'll take that.

Wait. Wait a second, now, Ghantt.

Please. Please don't shoot. I've got kids.

Do your kids know that you're a lying, cheating sack of filth?

I just haven't found the right moment to tell them.


David, speak to me! I'm right here, sugar bush, OK?

Don't worry about a thing. David, how'd you find me?

I'd smell your scent anywhere, OK?


Lord, that's a cheap door. OK, hold on!

Oh... Baby.

You gotta give me a 3-count next time.


I'd like to welcome you all to our housewarming party.

Thanks, y'all. Oh, my gosh.

We've put together a little montage to celebrate our last two wonderful months... at Cramer Mountain.

Steve, he's ruining everything!

Hey! What are you doing? Are you stoned?

You think this is funny? This isn't funny!

Ow! He's here! Who's here?

David Ghantt is here! Runny, shut up!

I'm up here, you big ding-dong!

Hey, Steve. I guess you just messed with the...


Steve's BMW Miata? He'll kill you.

Yeah. Well, let him try.

No! No!

No! My Geo! No! No! Attagirl!

My heart is going 200 miles an hour, but we're only doing 45!

David, be careful!

Brace your boobies. What?

Sometimes the only way out... through.

No! No, no, no, no! David!

Gotcha! Come here.

Ghantt, I pray to God you're not concussed, 'cause I want you to remember every second of this beat-down!

Lord have mercy, Steve. Give me a little bit of respect!

Respect? For what? Why...

I mean, I'm the mastermind of this heist.

The mastermind? You think you're the mastermind?

David, I want you to remember one thing.

You were never anything more than a delivery boy.

And if I'd had more time and enough jerky treats, I'd have trained my dog to go in there and fetch that money.

Now, who came up with the plan? Me! Steve!

Who laundered the money? Me! Steve again!

And who sent Mike McKinney down to Mexico to murder you?

Me, me, me. Got you!

Got it, Steve. Loud and clear.

You're going to jail.

How you holding up? I'm doing alright, considering.

My stretch starts tomorrow down at Butner Low or something like that.

Yeah, I heard.

I'm gonna be at the Federal Prison Camp over in Alderson.

You robbed a bank for me.

Oh, I'd rob a million banks for you, Kelly Campbell.

I would.

I'd rob a funeral home for you.

There's probably not a lot of money in it, but...

You get my drift.

Hey, let's make a promise.

Yeah, what?

When we're in prison...

...let's keep our bangs.

I was hoping you'd say something like that.

I promise.

I'll miss you, Kelly Campbell.

I'll miss you too.

Kelly wrote me every week of my sentence.

I spent my next seven birthdays behind bars for my part in the Loomis Fargo heist.

Now, the old David Ghantt, he would have been scared about going to prison.

Many of these guys are in here for murder, you know?

But the new David Ghantt, he was ready to man up.

Fortunately, I never had to.

Turns out I had stolen more cash than any American in history.

I was a legend in the big house.

I was a legend in my city.

Is it true that nearly $2 million remains unaccounted for?

Next question.

And I became a legend in the nation.

Suspects are under arrest tonight in one of the biggest armoured car robberies ever in this country, what the FBI says was a $17 million inside job by a former driver.

One of the biggest armoured car heists ever - more than $17 million.

But get this -

$2.6 million of the money is still unaccounted for.

I mean, robbing a bank and having a bunch of money ain't the key to happiness - I was misguided.

But I will say this.

Until you take a big chance in life, you never really find out who you are.


Look at your hair! Oh, I know, I know.

Yeah! There you go.

I've been getting that a lot these days, yeah.

Yeah. It looks nice. Thank you.

I appreciate that from you. So is your car.

That looks nice too. Oh! Oh, yeah.

This right here, you've got a 1974 Cadillac.

The hell's that?!

Well, I never really caught his name.

I did get all his teeth, though, which is good.



And that is why you don't go jogging around prisons, huh?

Come on. Hop in.

OK, Mr McKinney, where we going to?

I'd like to go see my girl Kelly.

Mmm! I like that.

A little booty call straight out of prison, huh?

Yeah! Yeah. Oh! Yeah, yep, yep. Whoo!

♪ I fought the law and the law won

♪ I needed money 'cause I had none

♪ I fought the law and the law won

♪ I fought the law and the law won

♪ I left my baby and it feels so bad

♪ I guess my race is run

♪ She's the best girl that I ever had

♪ I fought the law and the law won

♪ I fought the law and the...

♪ I fought the law and the law won

♪ I fought the law and the law won

♪ I fought the law and the... ♪


You can't do that with your eyes.

You can't do that with your eyes!

He was coming in to kiss me. I know. I was like this.

I'm not gonna watch you do this.

Cut. And reset.

And... action.

When you're in Mexico, you may have to live off the land for a little bit, OK?




I'm, like... Kristen's gagging. I hear everybody...

Vroom, vroom.

I mean, I'm not really sure why we're in this position.

Look under the hood.

Fix the carburettor.

Find the muffler and fix it.


Figure I'd learned my lesson.

And action.

How you been?

Good. Yeah. Hair looks good.

Yeah. My friend Ricki cuts my hair.

Just cut my bangs last week.

Yeah, Ricki banged me out last time.

Yeah, Ricki banged me last time.

If the Mexicans catch Ghantt, he can finger us all.

And I don't want to be fingered by David Ghantt, OK?

I trusted you.

Are we still rolling? Yeah.

Oh, we are? Yeah.

Think I've been wrong about men my whole life, till I met you.

No, put it in. No, no, no, your tongue.

♪ Bang goes the gun

♪ I'm already gone

♪ Bang goes the gun

♪ I'm already gone

♪ Well, I'm down below and I'm ready to go

♪ My day's never done

♪ Bang goes the gun

♪ I'm already gone

♪ Bang goes the gun

♪ But I'm already gone

♪ Bang goes the gun

♪ But I'm already gone

♪ I'm a lean machine I'm ready and mean

♪ I'm always on the run

♪ Bang goes the gun

♪ I'm already gone

♪ I'm already gone

♪ Ahhh. ♪