Matchstick Men (2003) Script

One, two, three.







One, two, three.

- Well, congratulations. - Excuse me?

You're a guaranteed winner of one of three fabulous prizes.

- Have you won anything major before? No, never.

- Well, you have now. Oh, my God.

- Are you kidding? No, it's confirmed.

Are you sure? Okay, what did I win? Either the Chevy Blazer, the Paris...

- Do you have a water filtration system? - A faucet filter? No, sir. I don't.

Do you read the papers or watch TV? Sometimes, yeah.

Well, then you've probably seen our advertisements.

The government is gonna make you pay a tax on the prize.

But if you buy the Waterson 2000 water filtration system... the prize gets recorded as a sales expense, and you don't pay any tax.


- Yeah. And then I get the trip to Paris?

You're guaranteed one of those three prizes.

I'm gonna have a courier come to your house. You're gonna give him a check.

He's gonna come to me... and we'll decide which one of those prizes you get. See how that works?

How much do I pay? Three hundred ninety-eight dollars.

- You'd pay twice that in stores. I need to speak to my husband.

Irene, my supervisor just stepped into my office, and he would love to talk to you.

Can you hold just a sec? Thanks, Irene.

Good morning. Who says so?

Irene Fisk. She wants to talk to her husband first.

John Goodhew, regional vice president. Oh.

Congratulations. Which prize are you hoping for?

Paris. That would be my choice too.

We've never been. My associate tells me... you have five grand kids? Wow.

I understand you'd like to speak to your husband first about this.

But the thing is, my secretary is having a baby this afternoon.

Everyone at the office is about to head to the hospital.

Well, that's wonderful.

Let me confirm your address for our courier service.

All right.


Sorry, sorry.

Any thoughts on lunch?

Spicy calamari?

Thai food?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.


Otis, hush, hush.

Can I help you? Carolyn Schaffer?

Yes. I'm Agent Kellaway. This is Agent Cole.

We're from the Federal Trade Commission.

Sorry to disturb you. We'd like to ask you a few questions.

Is everything all right? We hope so.

Mrs. Schaffer, can you tell us exactly what the man said on the phone?

He said that there'd been a contest, and I had won a prize.

There'd be a drawing next week, and I'd win... either a Chevy Blazer, a diamond necklace... or a trip to Italy or France. I don't remember.

And that if I bought one of their filtration things, I wouldn't have to pay the tax.

Jesus, Carolyn. I wanted to surprise you.

I'm sorry to tell you this, ma'am, but you won't be receiving any prize.

I'm sorry, you've been the victim of fraud.

Otis, knock it off.

It's not the newest swindle in the world.

They bait you with something bogus, then sell you something worthless.

How much did you give them, Mrs. Schaffer?

Seven hundred dollars.

What's it worth? At any hardware store, 50 bucks.

Jesus, Carolyn.

We've met people who paid twice that.

Really? Yeah.

You wrote a check, ma'am?

Did you mail it to them?

No, a courier picked it up.

What? If they'd used the postal system... it's mail fraud, and we can go after them.

Otherwise, there's not a lot we can do.

Unless... Unless what?

Well, a lot of these whack jobs... work in syndicates. If they cashed your check out of state, it's federal.

But we'd need a signed clearance from you...

I'll give you one if it will catch these sons of bitches.

You have any more L-47s? Yeah, maybe in the car.

Wait a second.

Here we go.

Use my pen. I got one.


Would you let him out? Oh, sorry.


Here you go. That's right.


All we need is the name of your bank... your account number... and your signature down below.

Any luck, these guys were amateurs... He all right?

...cashed your check in Nevada. Sign there. You can date it.

There you go.

You all right? He's fine.

Would you like some water? Everything's fine.

Thank you for coming.

You didn't take your pills, did you?

They left the door open. It was bitchen! It's just an open door, Roy.

Well, it's not a fortune, but it will keep me in diapers. Barely.

Don't look at those drapes, man. You should've known.

Saw that guy again last night. Chuck. Guy I was telling you about.

Guy with the... With the boat.

Yeah, Frechette. Man, he's top-heavy.

Jesus Christ, what am I...? Don't say that.

Don't say what? You know what.

Just don't say it.

It's real money.

If it's real money, it's long con. I don't do long con.

You haven't done it lately.

Without me, Frank.


I'd just like to be able to take a girl someplace nice once in a while.

You have to pay extra for that?

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Hi. Hi.

Three, four, five, six and... eight packs of Tareyton.

That's 36. Out of 50.

Thirty-seven, 38, 39, 40 and 10 is 50. Thank you.




Oh, Pygmies.

Mmm. Hi, this is Roy Waller calling for Dr. Mancuso.

He moved. What?

He doesn't live here anymore, man.

What do you mean, "moved"? He's gone.

You're shitting me. Where'd he go? - Back east.

Back east? He owes me back rent, man.

Give me a contact... Hello? Hello?

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

Roy, it's me. It's Frankie.

Come on, pick it up. I know it's tough, but come on.

Roy, this is Dmitri. I met you at that club Rage the other night.

I really liked your leather and...

All right, come on. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up.

Roy, come on, man. Come on.

Roy, it's lonely in this little office all by myself.

Roy, come on.

Roy, I wouldn't bother you, but... Well, I'm dying, Roy.

It's my spleen.

I can't feel my thumbs.


Roy, answer the phone, man.

I've been watching Univision all night, and all they speak is Spanish.

What's going on?

But seriously, I want to talk to you because I think I've developed a rash.

Come on, man. Come on, you're killing me.

Roy, come on, what the hell? I feel like a chick.

All right, that's it. I'm coming over.

Roy? Okay, I see that.

I see... I saw you. I know you're there.

Come on, Roy. Really, man.

One, two, three.

Take your shoes off. What? Why?

Take your shoes off, or you don't come in.

You didn't take your pills, did you?

I'm taking them off.

I'm taking the shoes off. Give me a break over here.


Jesus Christ. Oh, God, what is that smell?

What, did you get attacked by Mr. Clean?

You gotta open a window, buddy. No! No windows.

Okay. Windows are closed. Windows are closed.

You looking for something, sucker?

Yeah, my partner. Have you seen him?

He's been missing most of the week. Tall guy.

Hey, would you watch the rug? You're spilling food...

You didn't take your shoes off. Okay, I'm taking the shoes off.

I'm taking them off. See? They're off.

Here you go.

Oh, man, you are bad. Did you take your pills?

I spilled them down the drain by accident.

Oh, Roy, come on. Did you call Mancuso?


You gotta be shitting me. That's what I said.

Okay, here we go.

Hurry. Come on.

Come on, let's go. Come on. It's okay.

I want you to breathe, okay? Just keep breathing.

Breathe. Okay.

Okay. Okay, shoes are... There you go.

You got food... What?

Okay, food is gone. I'm picking up all the food, okay?

Listen to me, Roy. You listening?

I'm gonna make a couple of calls. My aunt saw this shrink after her divorce.

He really helped her. He's a good guy. Frank...

You need to see someone. Don't think I'm doing this for you.

You got money. You can retire. I got car payments, man.

I don't need a partner who's like:

My heart goes out to you, but this is it now.

Wipe that off when you're done with it.

Wipe the receiver. Just wipe it off.

Okay. How's that? You like that?

How's that?

Okay, I'm sorry. Okay.

Do you mind if I put them up? It helps my back.

Go ahead. Thanks.

Well, you're something of a clean slate, Roy.

You were on medication, but you don't know what kind.

Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, they were these little pink tablets.

I think it said "CRC" on them. Something like that.

You were getting them illegally? Yes, I was. So what?

Why? So I wouldn't have to talk to you.

Do you know what they were? Yes.

At that dosage, you're lucky to be sitting up straight.

That's great. Can you get me some more of them?

You get to the point. And you skirt it.

Can you get me the pills or not? Yes.

Well, then let's get that prescription pad out.

Roy, I don't prescribe medicine unless I've chatted with the patient.

If you're inclined against that, this session will be quite brief.

Would you like to tell me what's been bothering you?

I don't like being outdoors, which I know is called "agoraphobia." Right?

Incorrectly. But, yes.

Anything else? Dirt. Especially around moldings.

I don't like when people put shoes on my carpet.

Obviously, I have a lot of tics. I find that very frustrating.

Certain things distract me, make me feel sick to my stomach.

Have these distractions affected your work of late?

And your personal relationships?

What personal relationships?

When was the last time you were in one?

With a woman? A long time ago.

Five years?

Ten years? Keep going, man.

What was her name?


Were you married? Uh-huh.



You haven't seen her since?

She left me with a black eye, which I gave her, and a bun in the oven... which might've come from anyone. So, no, I haven't.

Look, doc, I spent last Tuesday watching fibers on my carpet.

And the whole time I was watching my carpet, I was worrying I might vomit.

I was thinking, "I'm a grown man. I should know what goes on in my head."

The more I thought about it... the more I realized I should blow my brains out and end it all.

But if I thought more about blowing my brains out...

I started worrying about what that would do to my goddamn carpet.

So that was a good day, doc.

And I just want you to give me some pills and let me get on with my life.


Roy. What?

He just gave them to you at the office?

He said they were new. Pref ex something-or-other.

You feel better? A little.

You want to work soon?

Think you can you control the...?

What? Nothing.

What city, please? Woodland Hills, California.

Name, sir? Fenton, Heather.

Can you spell that? F-E-N...

If that's you, then this is me. So leave a message after the beep.

Hello, this is... - Hello?

Well, you know, we fought a lot.

About what? What do you got?

I wasn't sober a lot then.

Are you now?

So some nights, she just didn't come home.

She was pregnant two months before she even told me about it.

Yeah. Do you think about her much?

You know, what could have been, what might have been.

And the baby? If there's a baby.

Do you think about that? Sometimes. Rarely.

Like, if I see a school bus, I'll wonder, "ls one of those kids Roy Jr.?"

He, if he's a he, would be how old now?

He'd be 14.

Fourteen, ready to be a man.

Yeah. If he's a he.

If he is at all.

Congratulations. You bought yourself a week's worth.


Listen, doc... do you know of a way... just to find out, you know...

There's nothing wrong with a man telephoning his ex-wife.

I tried that last night, and I couldn't say a word.

So could you call her?

I don't know, Roy. I... Please. It's just to find out.

Now? No, after I'm gone.

When you can.

Okay. That's great.

Thank you.

So I'm gonna see you on Tuesday? Well... Why? I mean, I have the meds.

Well, I guess that's your call.

Okay. Take care.


Roy? This is Dr. Klein. I...

Hello? Hey.

Listen, I just got off the phone with Heather.

We had a very nice conversation.

Does she want to speak with me? No, she doesn't.

She didn't understand it might help with your therapy.

You told her I was in therapy.

No, I told her I'm a psychiatrist. I can't lie.

- Angela wants to talk to you though. Who?

Angela, your daughter.

She knows you're her father and says she really wants to meet you.




Angela? You Roy?


So you're 14? Yep.

So when did you get out?

What? Of prison.

I've never been in prison.

Oh. Did your mom tell you that?

At first she told me you were dead.

Then she said you might as well be.

I'm not dead. I'm in antiques.

Yeah, that's what the doctor said on the phone.

When he said that, Mom started to laugh.

You hungry?

Do you mind eating?

It's just I'd feel better somewhere indoors.

I get uncomfortable sometimes being outside.

Really? Yeah.

You're staring. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I used to do it too.

Looked at your picture, see if I got your nose, your eyes.

Mom used to say I got lucky and only got your elbows.

Thought you weren't hungry.

If you're gonna get wet, might as well go swimming.

So you're in school, right? Not now. It's summer.

Oh, yeah. Okay, that's right.

If I had anything to do over again, I would've worked harder in school.

You drop out?

That how you ended up a criminal?

I'll take it, Mike. Hey.

It's okay, you know. Whatever you do.

Everybody's done something bad in their life.

I'm in antiques.

Make it a career, it's just a bunch of something strung together.

Cut the shit. I'm not a criminal.

What? What was that word you used? Shit?

Hey, that...

You're not supposed to talk like that.

Uh... Hey, hey. He)'-

I just... I have things a certain way. Okay.

Wait. That's her car in the driveway.

You gotta stop here. Stop!

Maybe we could go bowling sometime.

This is my private line. My mom got it for my birthday... because my friend Carrie kept calling after midnight. Here you go.

Nice to meet you, Dad. Nice to meet you, Dad.


What's more important than family?

Then what could be more important than purifying the water your family drinks?

The Waterson 2000 offers you the cleanest filtration system available today.

Mr. Schlickling, can you hold on just one moment? Thank you.


What's going on with you? You switch shampoos or something?

Those pills working?

Yeah. All right. Well, I'm glad one of us is happy.

How much you think we can take that guy for?

Chuck, with the boat. You serious?

I figure I owe you one. Oh, man, that's great!

Mr. Schlick-licker? Hi, I'm sorry. You waited too long. No prize for you.

That's awesome, man!


Where'd you find him? Spearmint Rhino.

Watched him drop a couple G's there a month ago.

Spearmint Rhino.

That's a gentlemen's... I know what it is.

It's right here.

What does he do? Import-export.

What's his last name? Frechette. Chuck Frechette.

How do you spell that? F-R...

I don't know. He's from Downey.

He's not connected, is he? No, no.

He and the mob, they're like this:

Son of a bitch didn't even tip.

I figure, on short notice, he could scratch up at least 30 grand.


We'll pull the Jamaican switch. He knows you, so you're rope. I'm inside.

You think he knows anything about international finance?

Are you whispering?

"Why are you whispering? I am?"

Hi. Safety deposit box, please. Sure.

Hi. I'd like access to my safety deposit box, 366, please.

Certainly, Mr. Waller.

Signature and pass code, please.

Would you like a booth? No, thanks. I'll be fine.

When it's sterling versus dollars and...


For some people, money is...

Money is a foreign film without subtitles.

- Frank. Where do you want to meet?

What do you mean? Where else? The Rhino.


- One hour. Get there early?

I gotta go.

Remember me? You just in the neighborhood?

Took the bus. Think I could come in a sec?

Nice! One, two, three.

It's nice, your place.

Could you watch the carpet, please?


Could you please take your shoes off?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

So, what's going on?

Mom and I had sort of a fight. Happens once in a while.

I usually take off for a day or two to let her calm down.

Take off? Normally, I go to Carrie's... only she's on vacation.

And I thought, since we seemed to hit it off so well last time...

I could sleep on your couch.

You want to stay here?

Well, I could pay you back by cleaning up or something.


Do you wear those to read? What?

They make you look old.

Oh, no, these are for...

I gotta go! I got a big business meeting.

This late? Antiques, they wait for no man.

Is it all right if I leave you here alone?

Sure, I can just watch TV.

You don't have a TV? Well...

Seriously? You don't have a TV?

There's a couch, if you want to sit.

Or over there, if you prefer. Or the couch.

Do you want me to pick you up something on the way back?

Like, what is it, ice cream, right? Sure.

New York Super Fudge Chunk. That's my favorite flavor.

New York... Super Fudge Chunk.

Chocolate, yeah. Okay, now listen... don't, don't open the door for anybody, all right?


One, two, three.

All right!

Here, sweetie.


Yeah, all right.

Here we go, babe.

Bob, good to see you! Arden, hope I didn't keep you.

There. He missed you coming in. What?

Over there. He missed you coming in.

Hey, Kate! Can I get a beer? A Heinie? Sure.

Thanks. That do the trick? Let's sit.

I told you you were gonna like it here.

No way!

Here you go, sweetie.

Love them shoes, girl. Thank you, baby.

Hey, Bob!

Hey, Chuck, I didn't know you were here.

Hey, Chuck Frechette, this is Arden...




I gotta do business, you mind if...?

Sure, Bob. I didn't mean to... Sorry. I'll be...

Nice meeting you. I'll be over here. Great.

That's fish in a barrel.

He's piqued. You good to go?

Does the pope poo in the woods? Just say yes.

I'll see you, Bob. - I'll see you in the morning, Arden.

Hi. Hi.

Big night planned. Oh, it's not for me.

Right. That's $12.73. Okay.

Out of 15.

Thirteen, 14, 15. You got kids overnight?

Roy? Why did Mom leave you?

Well, you'd have to ask her that.

I did. She said she didn't wanna talk about it.

Called you names.

That's why we got in a fight.

She said you were a bad guy.

You don't seem like a bad guy. That's what makes me good at it.

Well, I don't think you're a bad guy.

Good night.

Good night.

Someone's in here!

I think it's disrespectful. I just think it's disrespectful.

Hey, come on. One, two, three.

I wish you could've been there. I reeled him in, man.

Hallelujah! You got a chick in there? What are you doing?

What's the hubbub?

The second you left the place, he was off his barstool. He's in.

He's in. He wants to meet tonight. All right.

Push it till tomorrow.

Let his greed meet his imagination.


Good morning.

I made you eggs.

That's okay.

So who was that guy who came by earlier?

Business associate.

Well, what was his name?


How come you didn't want him to see me?

It's not that I don't want him to see...

Don't you think you should eat eggs for breakfast? Something healthy.

I don't like eggs.

Anyways, all you've got here is tuna. Lots of tuna.

And one TV dinner?

TV dinners are cool. You should get the TV to go with them.

I like tuna fish.

Hi, Mom. No.


So what if I am? So? He's my father.

Well, I don't care. I don't care!

Well, I Will if I Want!

No. I know.

Okay, I promise.

Okay, bye.

She mad?

At me, not you. Oh.

She said she was gonna call the police. Oh, God. Oh, God.

But now she just wants me home in time for summer school.

When's that start?


Today's Thursday.

That's okay, isn't it?

Uh... Huh...

Uh... three, four.

Let it out. Good, very good.

You've got stains on your carpet.

Is that what you were thinking about, stains on my carpet?

You can sit up.

Yeah, carpet stains... and that I have a 14-year-old girl I barely know living in my house.

Trust me, they're not so difficult, kids.

You have to make sure they eat their vegetables... don't stay up too late, don't watch too much TV.

Otherwise, just try to be as honest and open with them as possible.

Honest and open with them as possible. Right?


I nee a check okay on three.

Manager for a check okay on three, please.

The line for that one's shorter.

No, this one's better.

We need a price check on a five-pound bag of Red Delicious.

Dad, hurry! Hurry!


We're making spaghetti.

Yeah. Happy times. Happy times.

Here it comes.

The chefs in Italy say the spaghetti's ready if you throw it and it sticks.

Voila'. Yay!

Beer. Uh...

Cheers. Uh...

I don't know.

No sauce to go over it? It's spaghetti alio olio!

And it's got basil leaves in it. See the leaves?

Enjoy it.

Hi. Walters?

Waller. Keep the change.

I'm happy now.

You don't want something? I gotta fly in two hours.

Where to? Phoenix.

A client's opening an account to bridge the pound and Euro.

I gotta hold his hand. Would you please heat this up?


For some folks, money is a foreign film without subtitles.

To the business at hand. To the business at hand.

I have one rule, Chuck. Simple is safe.

I'll tell you as little as possible about what I do... but as much as I need to to make you comfortable with what we're doing.

What are we doing?

Five thousand pounds sterling. A perk of working in exchange at a bank.

Whose is it? No one's.

Just money unaccounted for, floating on top of the books like a layer of cream.

And he just scoops it off.

Well, it's a little more... Bob!

It's a little more complicated than that, but again, simple is safe.

Why not keep it? As a bank employee... any attempt to change currency is recorded and questioned.

Bob has a record.

You, on the other hand, no one bats an eye.

Now, I hope you have something for me.

Five grand, American. Congratulations.

At today's exchange rate you made... $2567. Looked it up on the Internet.

He's fast.

That Internet thing, that's a fad. I can't figure it out.

Me neither, but my daughter's a wiz.

You have a daughter? Two. Fifteen and 12.

Wonderful, I have a 14-year-old.

It's a riot, huh? Yeah.

Little training bras hanging from the shower rods.

And everything smells like gum. It does.

How do you get them outside? Mine sits at home all day.

Summer is the worst. The worst.

It's crazy. It's wild. He sounds just like him.

Let me ask you something, Arden. How much could you do this for?

Well, as a rule, we never go north of 10.

How much could you get your hands on?

A lot. All right.

Put it there. Let's play ball.

Chucky, baby, give me some sugar. Yeah.

See you later? Peace. Two fingers.


Asshole. Didn't tip him?

Did it again. Tickets.

Yeah, he's a jackass.

See you, jackass.

Man, I thought we were out 2 grand there for a second.

You gotta spend money if you wanna make money.

You gotta make it to spend it.

"Everything smells like gum"? What was that about?

It's easier if I show you.


Angela, I'm back.

Angela, Frank's here!



She's not here. She must have gone back to her mom's.

This teenybopper Hillary says, "I am single, baby."

Where does she usually go? I don't know.

This is no good, Roy. It's no good for you or us.

It's got nothing to do with us.

Hey! 'Pygmies.


This is bad news, man. You don't have to put it like that.

Where have you been? Nowhere.

Okay. Where did you go?

I just went out. I went to the arcade. It's like a half a mile away.

It's stuffy in here. It smells like Lysol.

Where the hell were you?

I wanna know right now or I'm calling your mother!

I just told you. I went to the arcade.

Why did you sneak back in?

That's how I left. I didn't have keys to lock the door.

So you didn't see my car?

Jeez, you're worse than Mom.

Angela, listen, I'm glad I met you, I really am, but I've got a business... and I've got a partner and I've got things a certain way, and that's it!

So, you know, I think it'd be better... for you, most of all, if tomorrow morning I took you back home.

What did I do wrong? You didn't do anything wrong.

I just went out! God, I didn't even... I didn't drink, I didn't get high!

I didn't take any money from your stupid dog!

What, you never heard of a bank? Uh...


That is wrong what you did, and... you're a Nosy Parker, and...

And that's no way for a young lady to behave!

Shame on you!



I wasn't kicking you out. I won't stay where I'm not wanted!

It's not that I don't want you. Fooled me.

Will you stop? Don't! Let me go!

You don't want me going home to Mom thinking she was right all along! Stop!

You're just like one of her boyfriends!

I'm just something you have to deal with to screw her!

Please, you know that's not true. They tell me what they do for a living!

Antiques dealers keep large stacks of cash in their homes next to their guns.

Okay. Okay. All right? I'm sorry. It's just...

I'm not...

I'm not very good at being a dad. Okay? You know? All right?

I barely get by being me.

Sweetheart, please... Don't!

Come on back home with me, and we can get a big pizza again.

You can stay the whole weekend if you want, all right?

Why do you have a gun?

In case.

In case what?

It's, it's... It's hard to explain.

Waller. Keep the change.

Bullshit! Nope.

No bullshit. And watch your language at the table.

You're a con man? Con artist.

A flimflam man, matchstick man, loser. Whatever you want to call it.

And that guy, Frank?

He's my partner. My protégé.

Teach me something. What?

Teach me a con. You're funny.

No, come on, really! Teach me something.

I'm not teaching you anything. Why not?

You're a bright, innocent, beautiful girl... and I'm not gonna screw that up like everything else.


What? You think that?

That I'm beautiful?


Then why won't you? Because crime doesn't pay?

No, it does. It does. Just not very well.

You seem to be doing okay. I'm not.

Believe me, it's no fun doing what I do.

It's usually stealing from people who don't deserve it.

Old people, fat people. Lonely.

A lot of the time, I feel sick about it.

Then why do you do it?

I'm not as innocent as you think. I've done stuff with boys.

I've done stuff with boys, if I told you...'d throw up. Then don't tell me.

Then teach me something! No! Final.

At the Christmas dance last year, I went with this boy Josh Ward.

He's cute, and I really liked him. I'm not listening.

After the dance, we went to Carrie's, and he pushed me against the bed...

Not listening! ...and he took his hand...

No! Okay. I'll show you one thing! You will?

Thank you, thank you!

All right, okay... Thank you!

But then you're never gonna do it again, and you're gonna forget it. Agreed?

Holy Mary.

Never work near where you live.

Don't shit...

Don't write anything down.

All right, I want you to stay in the car, okay?

Hey! Would you stay in the car?

I'd like to play this for the drawing on the 22nd.

You know the odds of the same numbers hitting in the same month? Or ever?

Well, that's why I changed one.

You're wasting your dollar.

Hey. You his financial adviser? No.

You're a cashier at a convenience store. Take his dollar and give him a ticket.

You're ready for this. I was born ready.

Glad I missed that day.

Okay. The most important thing to understand about this game is... ninety percent of it is variable.

No matter how good a plan is, you almost always get thrown a curve.

So you gotta be flexible, prepared to roll with anything.

I'll do it. The 2.

The one thing you can control, though, is who your mark is.

Never play someone who isn't buying what you're selling.

You're thinking, "What am I selling?" What you're selling is you.

The older the better. Beware of couples. Only you whisper in your mark's ear.

For God's sake, make sure the person you're conning isn't conning you.

That's good. All right. Let's go kick some butt.

This taken? No.

You sure? You've got a lot.

This is nothing. You ought to catch me during Little League season. Three boys.

Any of them cute? Uh-huh.

Simon's about your age. Though you'd never guess. He's so hyper.

I'm gonna get a soda. Want anything? No, thanks.

Oh, honey. You dropped something.

Not mine. You sure?

You gotta be 18 to play.

Looks like someone put it through the wash by accident.

Yesterday's drawing. That looks like the second.

Probably a loser.


We should at least see if it hit.

Excuse me, sir. Can we borrow your paper for a sec?

We're just looking for lottery results. Yeah, okay.

Metro, isn't it? Here.

Thanks. Yeah.

Let's see. There it is. Okay, ready? Yeah.

Six, 18, 30, 49... Wait. Six, 18, What?

Sorry. Thirty, 49, 60.

Missed by one. Oh, you're joking!

Story of my life. Mine too.

Any luck? Four out of five. Can you believe that?

Four out of five? Four out of five pays.

It does? Sure, yeah.

Call the number on the back of the ticket.

Well, thanks!


Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much. What did they say?

We won $600!

Holy shit! Holy moly! Six hundred dollars!

Couple of winners.

The woman said we just take it down for verification, and they'll mail me a check.

We should call your mom and we can all go down together.

It's okay, I'm supposed to be home. No, no, no.

We're in this 50-50.

Good girl.

Watch the cameras.

That's it.

Three hundred dollars.

Don't spend it all at the coin-op. Hide it when you get home.


Did I do good? You did...

You did very good. Very, very, very good.

See? Mom was wrong. I didn't just get your elbows.

Well, there's one last thing. What?

I want you to give her the money back. What?

I told you I'd teach you a con, I didn't say I'd let you get away with it.

What am I supposed to say?

Judging by that last performance, I'm sure you'll think of something.

This is so...

Angela, I would not be a responsible father... if I let you get away with this. Let's go!

I mean, it's strange. Two weeks ago, this was ancient history.

Now, all of a sudden...

I have a daughter!

And I'm not scared shitless. That's good, isn't it?

It's however you feel about it, Roy. Yeah.

Yes, it's wonderful.

Don't take this too literally, but you've been closing doors for a long time.

It's good to see you start opening some again.


I took Angela along with me over the weekend, selling a piece.

And sometimes in my business... you have to create a value for something which really isn't there.

Some people call it sales, but other people call it...

Lying. Right. Which is a little...

I wasn't sure how Angela would go for it, but she took to it.

Like a duck to water. She even helped out.

You know, this 14-year-old girl... working these people with me.

Working them, doc.

Do you regret it? Exposing her to that? Her seeing that side of you?

Well, you know, it was a little... It made me feel... I was a little...

I really liked it.

It was the best time we've had together.


Fabulous cup trick. You like that?

He wants to fly the money to the Caymans. Afraid he might get robbed.

As if somebody would do that. When's his flight?

Friday. What do you think?

About the hat? It's a little Dwight Yoakam around the edges.

You're calling attention to yourself. Chicks dig it.

So where do you think?

Where do you want to do it?


I'm here. He sits there.

Back to the bar.

Back to the bar. It's important.

Otherwise, we blow it off.


Who's it going to be? Ernie.

Hobo Ernie?

Yeah, homeless Ernie.

He's a little over the top, isn't he? For 50 bucks, it's a hell of a bargain.

Okay, okay.

There's only one problem. What?

I think I'm in love with you.

We're gonna be rich. Do not do that.

That's embarrassing. Just stop.

Does it turn you on? No, it does not turn me on. Stop.

Can you...?

Here you go.

Where's that cute little girl of yours? She went home to her mom's.

Summer school.

She's a cute one.

Must be lonesome without her.

See you tomorrow. Okay. Hi.

It's Kathy, right? Yeah.

I'm Roy. Hi, Roy.

How are you? I'm doing all right.

Hi, Dad, it's me. I just wanted to say hi.

Summer school sort of sucks. I get out at noon on Wednesday.

I'll meet you out in front if you want. Okay. Bye.

Hi, Dad, it's me. I just wanted to say hi.

Pervert. Get in the car.

What would you like to do today, little girl?

Mom wants me home by dinner. You'll be back.

What would you like to do?

What? Oh-oh.

I own you. Oh, yeah?

We'll just have to see about that.

Let me show you a little something I learned in Taiwan.


What? Dad... the first thing you need to understand... is 90 percent of it is knocking down at least one pin.

Oh, is that right? Is that right?

Not now!

You want me to bowl for you? Yeah, I'll just be a couple of minutes.

You'll be all right? Yeah.

All right.

This better be pretty important.

- Bad news, he bumped it up. What?

We gotta do it today. I thought it was Friday.

Me too, but he changed it.

- We gotta do it now. Tell him!

What am I gonna tell him? We can't postpone it.

He's leaving for the Caymans for a month. We've gotta do it now.

There's no time. I gotta get the money, get changed, get Ernie...

I know, I know. But we got no choice.

What time is his flight?


- Roy? Shit.

Your turn.

I'm sorry, I gotta take you home.

I can't do this. There's no time. I can't even take you home.

Do you want me to take the bus? No, no. Shit!

Is it a job?

Can I help?

Get in.

I thought you kept your money in the dog.

That's just my piggy bank. All right, I want you to wait here.

Hi, safety deposit box, please. Of course.

I'd like to access safety deposit box 366.

Signature and pass code, please.

Why can't I see? Because it's secret.

Then why does she get to?

Can I add an access signature to my account?


Sign here and here. Do it.

Now can I get into the whatever-it-is?

No, you don't have the pass code.

When do I get that? When I'm dead.

You wait here.

I mean it.

Booth? No! No! No booth!

So how much is in there? I told you.

No, in there!

Three hundred thousand?

Five hundred thousand?

A million?

Oh, my God! How did you get that money?

I've been doing this a long time.

Why aren't you...? Why don't you go live in Hawaii?

Why don't you go buy Hawaii? I don't like the outdoors.

You know what to do, right? Keep real far away from us.

Anything goes off, you get out of there. Yeah.

Hand me a gold wedding ring, sweetheart.

Thank you. These still make me look old?

Old and rich.

Okay, you remember your cue, right?

That's your cue. Then you enter. I know.

Okay. Okay, let's do this.

And just in case, take this, will you?

Stop worrying about me. I'm barely even doing anything.

I went out with her, but afterwards I was pretty toasted.

Does she have any sisters? I don't know.

Hey. Hey.

Arden, you okay? It's my back. I strained it last night.

Oh, man. I told you, you gotta do yoga. I was doing yoga.

Do you mind if I sit there? The high back helps.

Not at all. Thank you.

Oh, Lord.

How are both of you? Fabulous. So who goes first?

I suppose ladies do. The queen before Ben Franklin.

That's 80,000? Yeah.

Looks like a lot less than I thought. It always does. It always does.

Sorry. I had to check.

As long as you don't mind.

No, no. Do your worst.

It's been counted?

Gentlemen, looks like we have a trade.

God bless America. Land that I love.

Enjoy the Caymans, and don't get too much sun.

Come on, I'm 21! My ID is in my luggage!

My plane doesn't leave for 30 minutes, give...

Don't touch me! You touch me, I'll break every glass in this place!

Hey, airport bartender!

Hope she's not on my flight.

Speaking of which, it's about that time.

So who goes first?

You do. You just get up and take your new briefcase with you.

When I leave, I'll take my new gym bag.

Simple is safe. Simple is safe.


Have a safe flight. Thank you.

Take care. Let's do it again.

You have my word on that.

Go with him. Walk him to the plane. What?

Walk him to the plane! They won't let you.

Then walk him to the security check. Now. Go. Now!

Did you see that old chick at the bar with the makeup?

Yeah, I saw her. She almost died... when I threw that glass.

So, what happened? You take him? Yeah.

The whole 80? Uh-huh.

My dad's a smooth operator!

Dad, I thought about it. We should give the money back. I'd feel better.

Yeah. Just kidding.

Do I get a cut? Ask Frank for his.

Dad! Dad!

Get out of the car, you lousy, two-bit con!

Get out of the car! What are you doing?

Give me my money! Give me my money!

You stinking little runt! Roll up the window!

Give me my money, you bitch! Stinking, little...

Get down! My money!

Roll up the window! You piece of shit!

Goddamn it!

In this situation, it's very important to remain calm.

I'm so sorry.

Which one? Which one? The middle one! The middle one.

Or this one.

That one! That one!

Come on, come on! Come on!

Here you go. Can I get a receipt?

I can get you one. Let's go!


You saved a receipt for a hamburger?

Come on!

I understand that. Just breathe. Breathe.

Save that tax. Have a great day. Thank you.

Keep the change. We can't accept gratuity.

It's kindness.

Thanks for being kind, but we're not allowed. Please, take the change.

Let's go, come on!

Five, 6, 7, 8... Hurry, he's coming!

10, 11, 12... He's coming!

Are you out of your mind? Sir! Excuse me!

You stay in the car.

What's wrong?

Stay in the car!

Hi, cutie-pie.

Where did you get the...? What did you do?

I told you...

I said walk him to the plane! Did you walk him to the plane?

You can't get to the gate without a ticket!

Did you see him go through security...?

My daughter was there today!

I'm not the one who pimped her... What?

I'm not the one who pimped her into the fucking grift!

I'm not the one who put her at risk. She put us at risk!

How? What if he goes to the cops?

He won't. They never do. What if he does?

He'd have to explain what he's doing with a briefcase...

With $80,000 cash in it... and a ticket to the Caymans, okay?

We're not on the books. We're safe.

I know we are. What about her?

Angela's never been arrested, all right?

You don't know that. You don't know that.

Turn it off.

All right, let's get this over with. Tell him you're clean.

You've never been arrested, have you?

That's terrific. That's great.

That's beautiful.


Here's the money. Give me a call.

Jesus Christ.

You're 14! When did you have time to get arrested?

I forgot to pay for a pack of gum once. That's it.

So they called the cops on you over a pack of gum?

And some other stuff.

I might have put up a fuss when security...


The guard was groping me.

He was grabbing at my chest. What was I supposed to do?

How long ago? Last year.

The)' Photographed you? They printed you?

Move your leg.

I have all of August off. I was thinking I could come visit you.

We could take a trip, even.

In September is fathers' visiting day at school. It's lame, but...

Yeah, well, I'll be gone for the next couple of months.

Frank and I have some out-of-town work, so...

When do you think you'll be back? I don't know, actually.

Maybe when you get back... Okay, look.

You're getting in the way, okay?

You know, Frank and I are partners, and he says you're gone.

So you're gone.

I thought maybe it could work out, but it can't. It doesn't.

Come on. I feel sick.

Just get out of the car. Let's go. Come on. Go!

I don't want to go. Go!

Angela, move. Get out of the car. Come on.

Your mother's gonna be waiting for you. Let's go.


And don't ever call me again, okay? Don't.

What's that?

What's that?!

I got it for you at the airport.

I paid for it.

Why did you even call me? I'm sorry.

Why did you? Angie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Come on. Come on back in the car. Come on. I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry.

You're not a bad guy, you're just not a very good one.


Hey, Roy, pick it up.

Pick it up.

- Hello. You all right?

Yeah, what's it look like? You hungry?


Want to meet? We still got Chuck's money to split.

What time is it?

It's almost 3.

- Taking your pills? Can you hold on a second?



- Medical Group. Yes, Dr. Klein, please.

I'm sorry. He's unavailable. Dr. Wiley is on call if you'd like me to page him.

That's very good, but actually, I gotta talk to Klein.

Is there a way I can get a hold of him? I'm sorry, he is gone for the weekend.

Where did he go? Okay, look, look.

Listen, I need a new thing of pills.

Well, actually, are you at his office now?

- I'm sorry, sir. The office is closed. Shit!

Sorry, my phone is dying. Yes, sir.

If this is a medical emergency, contact your local hospital or call 911.

Help me! Is there a way you can help me help you help me... so that I can get in his office?

Don't forget to drink plenty of water with that.


Excuse me, hi. - I'll be right with you, sir.

I need a refill. I don't have a prescription...

Sir, please wait your turn. I know, but this is an emergency.

Buddy, ever heard of a line?

Ever been dragged to the sidewalk and beaten until you pissed blood?

Listen, I'm sorry, I really need... Thank you.

Thank you.

I need a refill of this. Do you have a prescription?

No, but my doctor, my shrink, gave me these, and they're samples of...

Darn it! I can't remember... Pref ex something.

Without a prescription, there's nothing I can do.

But I have the packet, so I'm clearly allowed to have them.

I need four or five of them to cover me for the weekend.

Let me see it. Thank you.

And I am sorry, sir.

These are supplements. What?

This packet contains supplements. No, no, no.

My doctor gave those to me. They're Pref ex.

They're supplements. Bullshit, man! Pref ex.

Supplifem. Pref ex!

Aisle four, sir. Pref ex!

Did you call security?

Did you give me this?

Yes. Why?

Because you don't need medication. Look at me, I'm a mess.

Agreed. But you weren't a mess last week, and you weren't on...

Pref ex all then either.

I have news for you. Your neurosis is small-time.

Small-time? What are you a...? You fucking quack!

Your conscience is another story.

Let me ask a question. What if you had to change careers?

What, if I wasn't an antiques broker? If you weren't a criminal.


That's an 18th century Queen Anne footstool I've had my feet on.

I've had computer programmers tell me what a nice piece it is.

I'm not a criminal.

I'm a con artist.

The difference being? They give me their money.

That's a nice rationalization.

I never took anybody who didn't let me out of greed or weakness.

And I never... used violence.

Would you say then you set an example in your trade?

You bet I do.

But now you have to set an example for someone else.

How is she?


She's fine.

She went back to her mom's.

Have you spoken to her?

Why not?

Do we have to talk about this?

Why haven't you spoken?

Because she hates me.

Why do you think she hates you?


Because I screwed it up.

Oh, God. I lost my little girl.

I lost my little girl.

"I'm happy to"

I went to see a lawyer.

He specializes in custody suits.

That sort of thing.

Like when one parent wants to get joint custody of the child.

There are things you have to do... file some paperwork... blood tests, go before a judge.

It would only be for weekends and some holidays to start.

But I'd have to make a lot of changes.

For one thing, I'd have to stop doing what I do for a living.

Honey, I'm sorry. I should have asked you first.

Will you try? Please?

Yes, I'll try, honey.

I'll try.


As of now.

You gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm sorry to lose you.

You don't want the 40 G's?

Keep it. Consider it a parting gift.

We should part more often.

Did I tell you I love you?

Yeah, I love you back.

Good-bye. Good-bye.

One of these days, I'm gonna get you drunk.

I should tell your mom about this. Let her know what I'm doing.

Your funeral. I know.

But I think she should hear it from me.

What do you think?

Um... Yeah.


I'm excited about this. We could get a dog.

Either a German shepherd or a Lab. They're messy, aren't they?

We could train it.

Name it Frank. That's a good name.


That's nice.


For you, seniorita. Thank you.

Let's dance.

"My house is your house"?


Get back.

Hello, Roy.

Hiya, sunshine. Go wait in your room, honey.

Let her stay. She's in this as much as you are.

It's Angela, right?

Your mug shot doesn't do you justice. You wanna sit down?

If you come anywhere near her... Don't play tough. I'm in your home.

Roy, I'm sorry, man.

Shut up!

How did you find me?

I didn't.

I found her in black and white.

Airport security cameras, Roy, they got a nice look at her.

That was sloppy.

There were no cameras in the lounge. No.

There were in the gift shop. In my business, it pays... to have friends on the force. Your girl's in their books.

Your ex-wife doesn't know well enough not to give out your address.

We only hurt the ones we love, huh?

You look white as a ghost, Roy. I don't want you to pass out... before you make your first payment. First let's have the money you took.

I don't have it. Start with what you do have!

Uh... Uh...

Four thousand, maybe. Where?

The dog.

Stop! Let her get it. You stay here with me.

It's okay. It's okay, honey, go.

Run, Angela! Run! Run, and Daddy's dead right now!

Okay, okay.

Next, I get half of whatever you make from now on.

If not, I call my cop friends, and your little girl goes to juvy till she's 18.

I'm out. I'm done with this. You're not done, Roy.

You haven't even gotten your feet wet.

Frank's not done, are you, Frank? You done, Frank?

He's not done.

Angela, no. Put the gun down.

Quiet, Frank.

Angela, okay. Angela. Angela.

Hey, hey, hey. Put it down. I'll take care of this.

I want you to go. Know how to use that?

Don't make it worse! Shoot him!

Goddamn it, shoot him!

Okay, okay.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God! Oh, shit, Roy.

He ain't gonna make it.

Okay, okay, okay, Okay-

You know where the Seven Palms Motel is?

It's out at the 15. Okay, get a room there.

Ground floor, if you have to go out the back. Wait there for me.

What if you don't show?

Take her to her mother's, and drive south and never come back.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna take him to the hospital.

Angela, sweetheart.

Listen to me. Frank will get you out of here, all right?

He's gonna get you out of here, and I will see you in a day or two.

Everything will be all right, I promise. Dad, I was just trying to...

I know, I know. Listen to me. Listen, I know, I know.

You didn't shoot him.

Do you understand? I shot him. I did.

Isn't that right, Frank? Right.

So you just sit tight, honey.

And I want you to know that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I let you down.

Okay, Frank.


I'm serious. Roy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, man.

All right. All right. I'm really sorry.

You're okay, man.

He's okay. - Nurse Hoffman.

- Nurse Hoffman to Pediatrics. Good morning, Roy. How do you feel?


Take it slow, will you?

I'm Detective Bishop. This is Detective Holt.

The doctor will be in in a second.

You were given a pretty close haircut the other night, Roy. Bad concussion.

You got lucky, Roy. I wish we could say the same for Chuck.

Am I under arrest?

Well, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and may be...

I heard it all.

Roy, where's Frank?

Who? Frank Mercer.

Your partner. We've been spending time at your places.

There's not a lot we don't know. I like your place better. Clean.

Where is he?

Okay, then how about this?

Where's Angela? Because she's not at...

415 Chester Ave.

Her mother's near hysterical.

I shot him.

I shot Chuck.

You sure about that?

Because Chuck didn't make it. We found him facedown in your driveway.

It's not good, but I'm telling you, it could still get a lot worse.

Alas, the print we took off your .38 was just a little small.

So where is she? I wanna see my doctor.

The doctor will be here in a second. No, my doctor, my shrink.

You let me see him, and I'll tell you everything you wanna know.

What's his number?

Hello, Roy.

Hey, doc. Hi.

Can we have a little privacy?

That's not the way it works.

Don't I have doctor-patient privileges, rights, something?

Yeah, technically, he's right.

That refers to testimony based on confidential information.

There's no privilege says I gotta leave you two alone.

There is if you want what I know.

Five minutes.

Roy, what happened? They told...

Okay, listen. Angela is in trouble.

If I don't help her, she will go to jail.

So please help me help her. I can't do anything illegal.

You got her into this too. Don't transfer responsibility, Roy.

Just make a phone call for me, all right? Please?

All right. Check out...

Seven Palms Motel in Bakersfield.

It's like a giant cricket.

And then what?

I asked you to turn the machine off, right?

Tell Angela the pass code, and then you tell her to write it down.

Pass code? They'll search you on your way out.

Right. It's 543N7942.

59... Doc!

Oh, I'm sorry.

543N7942. Say it back to me. Say it back.

So it's 543N7542.

No, N7942.

N, Norman, 7942.

That's all you have to do. 543N7942.


Thank you, doc.

She's gonna be okay.

Angela's gonna be all right.

Hey, hello?

Hey, can you guys put the air conditioning on?

It's hot.

What is it? Bishop? Bishop!

Detectives, can you make it a little... cooler in here?

Whoa, whoa.

Dear Roy, you're probably pretty upset. I don't blame you.

You taught me most of what I know, so I suppose I owe you better than this.

But you always told me if I ever got a shot at a big score, I should take it.

And that's What I did.


Sorry, sorry!

Sorry about the sap on the head, by the way, and for everything else.

You always said guys like us can't afford to have regrets about what we do.

That's gonna be a little harder for me, but I'll manage.

Well, no, I told her I'm a psychiatrist. I can't lie, Roy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, pal!

If it makes any difference, you're the best I ever saw.

I'd never find a better partner, and now I won't have to.

I love you, man. Frank.

Booth today, Mr. Waller?

P.S. Enjoy the gift.

She said you were a bad guy.

You don't seem like a bad guy.

Well, I don't think you're a bad guy.




She's not here, is she?

What? Angela.

Who? What?

Roy, what are you talking about?

The baby. You were gonna have a baby.

That's why you're here?

You were pregnant.

You were pregnant! You were. You were pregnant.

I lost it.

Roy, you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Excuse me one second.

Hey, boss. Roy, another live one.

All right.


How you doing? Can I help you find anything?

Yeah, I need a carpet.

For your home? For my secretary's office.

No, it's for my apartment. Aha.

All one room of it. Big place?

Oh, yeah.

All right, well, you have a color in mind?

I have a price in mind. Cheap.

You don't need much, you don't know what you want...

...but no price is too low. That's about me.

You are my perfect customer. Let's dig into the remnants.

Wait, wait, wait. My girlfriend knows a bit better than I do what we need.

Hey, sweetie.

There she is.

I, uh...

I think we should go with the dark because of the dog.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough. We just got a dog.

Let me guess, a Lab.

German shepherd, but...

My next guess.

There's no, like...

I don't know, special carpet that dogs like, is there?

Yeah, yeah. We call it AstroTurf.

Come on, remnants are in the back of the store.

You folks just move in together?

Yeah, three weeks ago.

Big step. I kind of like this one.

Yeah, that's a nice choice. So dark you barely notice stains.

You like it?

How much is it?

Well, the sticker says 75, but I can knock 20 percent off if you pay cash.

This is our living arrangement. I pay rent. She buys the carpets.

Shit. What's up?

I think I left my wallet...

Yeah, I left my wallet in the car.

Do you think you could go get it? Yeah.

I'll be right back.

Thanks for not saying anything.

How long have you worked here?

A While.

So, what, you working this guy?


No, no. No, I'm retired.

That was a one-time deal.

No kidding? You were... good.

I had a good teacher.

Teachers. I'm surprised to see you here.

I figured you would have moved out to, I don't know, Hawaii.

I kind of got screwed on my cut. You know Frank.

You're gonna go swimming, you're gonna get wet, right?

You changed your hair.

Makes you look grown-up.

I am grown-up.

You always go out dressed like this?


Why, you gonna ground me?


I'm sorry too...

if it's any consolation.

You mad at me?

You didn't take it.

I gave it to you.

It's a funny way of looking at it.

Well, I see things differently now.

So you like this guy?

Yeah, he's sweet to me.

I met him at a bowling alley.

We had a good time, didn't we?

Yeah, we did.

Thanks, buddy. Right there.

Let me tie it off. It's good to see you, Roy.

It's good to see you too.

Don't you wanna know my name?

I know your name.

I'll see you, Dad.


That'll be 36.50, sir.