McDick (2017) Script

There's my favorite police officer.

Would you like to stay for breakfast?

Are you kidding me?


What are you doing?

Let's go!

Yeah, hang on a second.

McDick, get your ass outside.

I know, I'm upstairs, I'll be right down.



Question for you:

Does somebody like to drink and drive?

I don't think so.


You are officially off the hook.

Does that make you happy?


You should not drink and drive.

However, if you've got no choice, it's the weekend, your friends are around, and you gotta get drunk, do it in my neighborhood.

That sound like a deal?


That's what I like to hear.

Come here.

God damn it, McDick.


Let's go!

Yeah, you just said that a minute ago.

McDick, I swear to God...

Hey listen, you know what?

I think maybe I'll go to the bathroom before I come down.

McDick, get your ass outside.

Okay, yeah, here I come.

It's about time, Romeo.

Gimmie a break.

What's your problem?

McDick, you better yank your head outta your ass, man.

What's in your ass?

We gotta go, man.

I forgot to tell you something else.

What's that?

Hang on, let's run this car here.

My guts tell me this is our guy.

License plate Henry one four Edgar seven five.

School teacher no record.

You sure about that?

Yes, McDick, I'm sure.

Where you goin'?

There's hostages up there.

Let's just wait for backup.

There's no time, there's gun's reported.

What am I gonna do?

Go up there and risk my life just to save somebody?

Yeah, that's right, McDick, that's your job.

C'mon, let's go.

I'll tell you what.

We'll call the captain, tell him we checked it out, everything was fine.

Prank call.

Come on, I'll buy you a beer.

It's 10 in the morning.

Gunshots are that way.

Excuse me, ma'am, listen, it's alright.

We're here to protect you.

We're policemen.

Ma'am, return to your apartment and lock the door, please.

Hang on a second, whoa whoa.

Why don't you go ahead and just check it out down there, I'm gonna stay here with her.

Can I stay here with you?

Excuse me.

Ma'am, ma'am, listen.

I'll stay here with you and just make sure that you're safe.

It's okay, I'm alright.


I'm good.

Ow, ow, okay, okay.

Would you let go of my foot please?

Hey why are you walkin' so fast?

I think we're on the wrong floor.

Please don't hurt me.

Please don't hurt me.

Hey, McDick.

I got a pretty nasty paper cut here on my thumb.

I'd show you but you might pass out and get me shot.

Tell me something, did you just get a haircut?


How you doin' Captain?

Internal Affairs needs to speak with you immediately when you are finished over there, you are to come directly to my office.

You seem really tense right now.

What's goin' on?

Get your hand off my arm.

You haven't answered my question.


Okay. Now!

I'm sorry, what?

Officer McDick, we need you to go on record and tell us exactly what happened out there today.

Oh, right now?

Right now.


Well, we got a call for a domestic disturbance.

Violent in nature.

I think they said a gunshot was reported.

And so we arrived at the scene and Conroy, my partner, was just kinda freezin' up a little bit, he seemed nervous, kinda out of character for him.

I said, look man, we're cops, okay?

This is our responsibility, let's get up there and just handle this.

Hell, I'll be the point man.

And off the record, he suggest that we go and get a drink.

Call the captain, tell him everything's fine, let's go grab a beer.

I said, "Are you kiddin' me?

"Let's get upstairs right now."

So we're upstairs, we're outside this door, I was pretty sure I heard a gunshot, and then I think it had to have been a baseball bat.

Somebody just slams me in the back of the head.

Next thing I know, I black out, and then like, it was like weird for a minute, and then I come to and there's just a bunch of cops around.

People start asking me questions, I'm not really even sure where I am and now we're here.

There were large quantities of unmarked bills at the scene.

You have any idea why Etson left without it?

How should I know, guys?

It's your job, McDick.

Do you know this girl?

That looks like a woman to me.

But no, who is she?

Molten Lava is a former stripper slash criminal defense attorney and now a crime lord.

Recently Miss Lava has become more aggressive and is looking to expand her territory considerably.

We believe she'll stop at nothing.

You're to contact my office if her name ever comes up.

Doesn't matter what context.

Okay, so let's just back up a second here.

She used to be a stripper?

You guys have any photographs from that period in her career?

Done here.

Come on, guys, it's just a couple pictures.

Where you goin'?

Were you in the ladies room this morning?

Why would you ask me that question?

I guess because three of your female colleagues claim that they caught you peeking under their stall doors.

That's why.

I would like to speak to my attorney right now.

You are not going to speak to anyone right now.

You know what I got here?


Your psychiatric report.

Well, that's confidential.

The precinct shrink asked you what your three biggest fears were when it came to the job.

Do you remember what you told her?

I do not recall.

Your biggest fear about the job

was that you are going to get eaten by a whale.

Yeah, I don't wanna be eaten by a whale.

Are you really gonna sit here and tell me you'd have no problem swimming in the same part of the ocean as a whale?


I think I might sit here and tell you whatever I God damn want to!

Your second biggest fear about the job that someone might set your penis on fire.

Captain, where you goin' with this stuff?

You have got to be, yeah, the worst cop I have ever encountered in my 19 years of service.

I know you don't mean that.

You're now-dead ex-partner made a statement before he died that completely contradicts yours, McDick.

Is that true? Yeah.

And call me crazy, but I believe the dead guy.

You know that private detective business that you've been talking about starting?


I think now's the time.


You're fired.

What do you mean?

♪ You keep your distance, I'll keep mine ♪

♪ Away, away now

♪ No I won't fail now

♪ To meet you in some alleyway

♪ I hear the river runnin'

♪ Man it's a-hummin'

♪ 1,000 miles downstream fallin' star ♪

♪ In my window you look so right fallin' star ♪

♪ You keep your distance, I'll keep mine ♪

♪ You keep your distance, I'll keep mine ♪

♪ You keep your distance, I'll keep mine ♪

If you continue to disrespect me, and by that I mean not returning my phone calls, not showing up on time, you're gonna put me in a position where I've got no choice but to fire you.

I was at soccer practice.

I was a soccer practice.

What does that even mean?

Are you still on top of that gun situation?

Are we still on for lunch next week?

Yes, sure, why not?


I think that's about it.

Jesus Christ.

Okay, I'm impressed.

Mister Robertson is here.

Which one's Mister Robertson?

He's the one that wanted to talk to you about his wife.

That the little Asian guy with the blonde hair?

No, the medium sized guy with the brown-ish gray-ish hair.

Come on, Melanie, that doesn't mean anything to me.

He's the one that suspected his wife of being a high end prostitute.

That guy?

Yeah, you better bring him in.

You can come in now, sir.

Well, mister Robertson, I must say that this is my least favorite part of the job.

I'm afraid I have confirmed your worst suspicions and that your wife has, in fact, been moonlighting as a high end prostitute.

Sorry, take a minute.

There's nothing in the world that one of these can't fix.

How are you able to confirm this?

Do you have pictures of that whore?


Pictures? No.

So then you saw her with someone?

No, when I spoke with her, she was by herself.

You actually spoke with my wife?

Yeah, I told her that I wanted to pay her to have sex with me and she did.

You had sex with my wife?

Well, yeah.

I mean, there's only one way to find out for real if she's a prostitute, right?


By the way, she's a fairly difficult negotiator.

You're gonna find here on your invoice a fee of $600 for services received.


Where are you?

Behind my desk.

Guy just punched me in the face.

Is that a knife?

It's a letter opener.

I thought he was trying to hurt you.

He was trying to hurt me and it worked.

Put the knife down I hate knives.

Could you check my pulse please?

How is it?

I don't know.

I think it's about the same.

Could you get me a cup of coffee, please?

Just get me a cup of coffee.

Hey, boss.

He's a private detective now.

The business seems to be failing.

Not much client volume, no suspect financial expenditures, and no indication of where he might be holding any of it.

I'd approach him but the whole cop thing.

Former cop.

It's a huge difference.

What did I say about giving them to me backwards?

What is this?

Did you do that on purpose?

Well, obviously this asshole knows something that we don't

'cause otherwise he wouldn't have the balls to pull off this shit.

Well, I hope he knows what he's doing because I plan on pulling off his scrotum.

Rub my hamstring.

Who's a good ape?

What good are you?

Go back to your crib.

Pick this shit up.

Someone was looking for something.

Are we missin' anything?

Not that I could tell.

Alright, it's probably just kids.


Someone's waiting for you in your office.


Is it the dwarf?

No, a lady.

How old?


Doesn't matter.

Oh, wow.

Excuse me for not making an appointment.

Oh, my God!

That's fine.

Please have a seat.

What's your name?


Virginia, okay.

So tell me, how can I save your day?

Well, I have a nephew who I think might be getting mixed up with the wrong crowd.

Violent crowd?


No, no.

My nephew is special.

Okay, so he's retarded.

Well, that's not what we call it, but yes, and I feel like might be doing frivolous things in order to impress these children.

Frivolous as in violent, gang-related type behavior?

No, no, no.

He's not dangerous, just lost.

Okay, lost.

And you want me to see what he's up to every day, basically.

I can't watch him 24 hours a day.

His name is Morgan.

Okay, M-O-R-G-A-N?

You should know that he is larger than kids his age and quite overweight.

Okay, so he's fat and retarded.

Retardant fat.

Is he an especially athletic fat kid?

'Cause you know how sometimes they can be...

They look fat and they are fat but then they're strong and fast.

Not that I know of.

Okay, short fuse, temper problems?

No, he's very gentle.

Am I dealing with a wildcard here?

Not that I know of.

Well, Virginia, today is your lucky day, because McDick just came...

To your rescue.

Oh, well thank you very much.

You're very welcome.

And I have a brand new tradition here where I like to give a good luck hug to all my new clients so get up.


That's right, come here.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, listen.

I want you to know that I'm going to get to the bottom of this for you.

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

You sent me a bill.

I haven't hired you in weeks.

How much money you got in your pockets?

I don't have any money in my pockets.

Empty 'em.


Come on, man, am I gonna lie to you about this?

I have no money in my pockets.

The other one, too.

I swear I didn't know that was in there.

Put it on the wall.

I can do that.

All of it.

Somebody broke into my office last week.

I had to get my files back.

So I'm paying you for trashing my office?

I was attacked.

They think you robbed them.

Well who thinks that?

What's his name?

I don't know, I had to kill him.

You murdered somebody in my office?

Hey, I'm a criminal defense attorney.

People can't be breakin' into my office.

No, of course not.

So I have a lawyer that breaks into my office and kills people.


Your house is probably bein' watched.

Do you have any clients?


I have one client.

Concentrate on your case.

I'll find out who he is.


Just for a cup of coffee.

Hey, Melanie, it's McDick.

Listen, I'm on my way to that fat retarded kid's house just to follow up on that case, but I'm calling because I haven't pooped in about two and a half days and if you could have a nice big banana smoothie waiting for me when I get back to the office, that'd be perfect because bananas have always helped me poop.

And this is between us, okay?

Thank you.

Awww, fuck.

Run faster.


You know how you always bug me to drive?

I never bug you to drive.

Would you just get in the car?

Give me the bag.

Did you have a nice day at school?


Okay, I want you to put these on.

I can't see in these.

That doesn't matter.


Put this on, too.

Now, I want you to take my car and pull it right into my driveway.

Can you do that?

Where will you be?

I'm gonna be right behind that tree.

Shouldn't we do this in an empty parking lot or something?

I think you should trust me now more than ever.


No more questions like that.

All you gotta do is put the car in drive.

First, you gotta hit that button to take the brake off.

Good man.

Now, put it in drive and you're all set.


Put it in drive.

Where's McDick?

He's over there.

Why are you God damn pointing at me?


Hey, hey it's me.

Listen, I can't really get into this on the phone right now but I'm having some work related issues and I need a place to crash for like, two nights.

Just two nights.

Definitely not longer than like, four weeks.

Well, my house isn't safe right now.

I was just there and somebody was there with a gun so I had to run away and now I'm here, I'm not even sure where I am.

Well, I'm running out of options.

Oh, come on, mom.

You there?


Oh, God damn it.


Here's a layout of the complex with all the potential compromise points.

Should we do a search and secure the perimeter?

What, this building?

Are you serious?



This is a safehouse.

Listen, I have perfect instincts, okay?

You gotta start believing that.


This building is the last place on earth anybody's gonna come looking for me, okay?

What's this?

You been spying on me?


I'm not convinced.

I'm not here.

Especially if they have an accent.


It's for you.

Who is it?

I'm not sure, I couldn't really understand what he said.

Is it because he has an accent?

God damn it, give me the phone.



How do you know I'm eating lettuce?

Get down, get down!

Get on top!

Get on top!

Let me protect your head.

Oh yeah, I got ya.

You gotta give 'em like, two minutes.

They probably think they hit us.


Have you been hit?

No, I'm okay.

You sure?


Didn't get you anywhere?


So you know where I've always wanted to go?





Me too.

You sure you weren't hit around here?

I don't think so.

Okay, I'm just makin' sure.

Okay, close your eyes and think about China.

Oh, yeah.

They got pancakes in China, right?

Is that a yes or a no?

I don't know, I've never been.

Oh, Christ, okay.

I think they're gone.

Hello, Mister McDick.

This is Douglas' mother calling.

I discovered a small handgun in his school bag and he tells me it was one of several weapons you've given him.

Listen very closely McDick, my son is no longer your employee.

If you attempt to contact him, I swear to God I will find you and beat your.

Little jumpy?

What's your name?


Giovanni, empty your pockets.


Lay on the table.

On your stomach.

Stop lookin' at me.

What're you laughin' at?



What's your name?



Sit on the bar.

Hurry up.

One, two, one, two there you go.

Sit like a little baby bitch, okay?

You got no laces in those shoes.

This guy's a jerk.

Excuse me, sir?

I didn't catch that.

Excuse me, why don't you repeat that?

Just tryin' to have a beer.

Stand up!

Get up.

Now what'd you just say to me?

Sir, could you move that?

Repeat that, I didn't hear you.

I just wanna drink my beer, man.

I just wanna drink my beer, man.

Sir, this gun, could you just be careful, sir?

You and I get to go outside and have a private conversation, alright?

Bartender, if either two of these vaginas open their...

Hey man, close those legs!

Who the hell lays like that?

If either two of these vaginas open their lips, shoot 'em.

Stand up straight!

Let's go.

Was I convincing?

Yeah man, you were fine.

Look, I don't know what I got myself into, but I've been gettin' shot at multiple times over the last couple days.

Please tell me you know something.

You really got no idea.

Everyone's talkin' about you.

Molten Lava, the Indians, even the tiny ass gangs are talkin' about you.

Some want you alive, some want you dead.


You talkin' about the ones that smell or the casino ones?

The ones from India.

Come on, man, this is no joke, alright?

This is real for me.

This ain't no joke.

These people seriously want your ass.

I didn't do anything!

Gotta be money.

These people aren't going to stop.

Well, in that case, shoot me, 'cause I'm a dead man.

At least I'll know who did it.


Carmichael's in town.

You find him, maybe you'll find answers.

Alright, Jimmy.

Where do you want it?

Go with the face.

You ready?

Come on.

Alright, man, follow me to the bar.



I can wait all day.

Carmichael's dead.

Christ, you scared the shit out of me, man.

How many people have you killed?

It was a set up.

How do you know that?

Are you following a retard right now?

Yes I am.

How do you know that?

The lady that hired you was married to your partner, who was stealin' from Lava.

Lava forced her to wiretap your office.

That's how you got that bullshit job.

Jesus Christ.

How do you know all this stuff, man?

That's a lot of information.

Hey, you're the detective.

Yeah, I'm also the fuckin' boss, okay?

And I'm gettin' a little sick and tired of your attitude lately.

Don't forget that, man.

I'm in charge, not you.

You're gettin' sick and tired of my attitude?

Look, you're my lawyer.

I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to kill me.

You got a little piece of banana.

Ow, shit!

Now here.

One of Lava's men wants to meet tonight.

Tell him everything he needs to know.

Please put it in my God damn hand.

It's sewed up.

Thank you.


You want me to leave first?

You wanna leave first?

Drive together?

What do you think?

Get outta here.


I wanna watch cartoons.

Enjoy that.

Fuckin' asshole.

Why are we meeting in the middle of nowhere?

Let me explain somethin' to you.

What happened the last time we were at my office?

It got ransacked.


What happened the last time we were at your apartment?

We got shot at.


Let me tell you somethin' else.

Just now, Douglas drove into my driveway, was mistaken for me, and he almost got his fat little face shot off.

Douglas is too young to drive.

That's my point, none of this makes sense right now.


And until I gather more information, we're gonna have to keep havin' these secret rendezvouses.

I love rendezvouses.


Listen, tonight I am meeting this guy.

He works for Molten Lava.

This is the guy.

Listen, if I don't make it out of there alive, that means I'm probably dead and I need you to promise me that you will make him pay.

How much does he owe you?

I'm not talking about money.

I mean hold him accountable for his actions.

Can you promise me that?

Yeah, like, wrap him in a big rug and have horses trample on him or get some oyster shells and scrape away his face and burn him.

That would be fine.

I mean, it's incredibly violent, but that would do it.

Alright, look, I've got two more meetings on two different bridges so, I need you to walk away, okay?

Walk faster.


Okay, run.

Just run.

Give me the account numbers.

You'll get your half, but Conroy's is ours.

Do you seriously expect me to believe that Conroy was stealing money?

McDick, if you don't give me the account numbers and location of our other products right here right now, I'm gonna shoot you dead.

I think we both know that that gun is not loaded.

What's with this guy fainting all the time?

Now this one is really gonna hurt.

I heard about everything on the news.

I'm fine.

They were asking me about account numbers.

Account information.

What accounts?

I have no idea.

Then there was a guy with a gun, he was wavin' that around, then somebody else had a stun gun I got hit with that.

You need to report this.

There's nothing to report.

I have no idea what's goin' on right now.

I need answers.

What I have to do is go to the top of the food chain on this one.

And that's Molten Lava.

On top of that, I just hurt my hand.

See it?

I got blood.

See the red spot?

Blood there.

Well, let's go get you cleaned up.

Can I get a bath maybe?

Mister McDick?

A word?

I'm fine, but thank you.

Have a seat.

I think I'll stand, but thank you.

What's your name?

What, you're not gonna tell me your name?

You know, pal, you need to lighten up a little bit and that's something a little smile could take care of.

Ow, ow, I'm sorry!

Please stop, please stop!

Let him go.

God damn it.

What are you trying to do, break my arm?

Sit down.

I was just trying to tell you to smile a little bit.

Can I sit here? Sit down!



You have a last name?

Just if I can maybe stop you right here?

If you plan on sitting like this, I'm probably not gonna be able to concentrate on the conversation.

Why are you spying on me?

I was not spying on you, I was looking at something else, you happened to be there.

My guys get shot,

somehow you survive.


I know that you have my money.


My money.

Okay, let me tell you a couple things.

One: I don't know anything about bank accounts or money.

I do know that your guys are trying to kill me.

I also just got a fresh piece of information and that's that this guy right here is an asshole.

Just tried to break my arm.

So he could use a serious attitude adjustment.


See this envelope?

Yes, I see it.

Deliver this envelope to the address written right here.

Can you read?

I can read.

Can you? I can read.

You a reader, McDick?

Can you stop doing that?

Do not open the envelope.


I will have eyes on you.

So if I do this we're okay?

That's my promise to you.

I got one more thing for you.

Now you can go.


Go. Alright, alright.

Get, scoot.


Thank you.

Rashido wants this beautiful piece of antique in Toshinia now.

Irish investigation authorities have been cooled down so, it has to get there through the South American channel as soon as we get our money in the Swiss hall bank account.

Consider everything covered, boss.

Good, good.

Hey, who the hell are you?

What is this place?

Is this our buyer?

How come you're not wearing pants?

Beg your pardon?

Beg for a pair of pants.

Hey, come on.

First off, you tell me like, how did you get here?

Who gave you the address of this place?

You guys sell this stuff?

This is a piece of shit.

Put it back, you junkie.

Do you know what's that?

That's a fuckin' three million dollars right there.

Did you ever see that kind of money?


Hey, listen.

This was discovered in the graves of Mesopotamia.

Dated 300 A.D.

And I Stole it from the Louvre.

You stole it from the bathroom?

I'm impressed.

Come on, guys, listen, a friend of mine asked me to deliver this to whoever's in charge here.

I'm gonna go ahead and guess it's not you

'cause you're not wearing pants.

Give the fucking God damn envelope to me.

Guys, we good here?

I'm getting a little uncomfortable.

Are you done looking at the boxes now?

Yeah, I'm done.

So you inspected the whole place very well, right?

Yeah, you got another little shit hole here.

So now you know me very well.

I know that you're very short, but that's okay, you're compensating with those boots and it does lift you up a little bit.

I know your identity, so...

Are you ready to die?

Gentlemen, I'm a private detective and so what that means is I'm very good at telling if somebody's lying.

Little baby detective.

That how you guys really laugh?

Listen, I never told you who I am.


That's your one little misstep.

Nice try though, I appreciate it.

Good effort.

This is a picture of me.

Of course it's you.

Was this in the envelope I just gave you?

Yes you did.

Molten Lava.

So what do you say now?

Men, I have one last bit of information that you might like to hear.


You're listening?


Uh huh.

Well, why don't you tell Hunter that if this doesn't shake out exactly as I planned it, I will cut off his balls and hang them on my wall?


Just like that.


Sorry to bother you captain, but a former officer McDick is here to see you.

Jesus Christ, is he really?

Send him in.

What the hell are you wearing?

I fired you months ago.

I am undercover as a uniformed cop.

Excuse me!

You know what, I don't have any time for your bullshit.

I need you to place me in Wit Pro immediately.

Place you in Wit Pro?


Who the hell do you think you are?

Do you realize how much of a pain in my ass you've become?

Jesus Christ, it's worse than when you were here!

People are trying to kill me.

I need you to turn me into a ghost and Wit Pro is the only option.

Well, tell me, what have you witnessed?

I don't know.

But clearly my ex-partner Conroy was mixed up in it.

Do not speak ill of that fine fallen officer.

Well, every time I'm shot at, punched in the face, or chased, his name comes up.

So what am I supposed to think?

Let me tell you something, McDick.

Thugs that this department have been after for years are coming after you.

We even got a couple leads on the Indians.

I didn't think they had anything serious goin' on in this town, but there is.

You are a magnet.

And let me tell you something.

Two great things can come from this.

One: I get to catch a bunch of bad guys.

And two: They catch you.

So there you go.

Clearly wasted your time.

Of course you have. I apologize.

One final question: bagpipes?

Yeah, what about 'em?

Wouldn't you say the kilt is a little short?

Okay, they didn't have the right...

The reason I ask, I just figured at night your vagina might--

Okay, are we done here? I think so.

I will be...

I said are we done?


Oh, what's up asshole?

We already got your lover and now you and I are gonna take a little walk.

You talkin' about Virginia?

We actually haven't sealed the deal yet.

Let's go.

Hey, hello, Douglas, hey it's me.

Listen, I'm in a little bit of trouble right now.

I've got one of Molten Lava's guys comin' after me.

No, I'm fine at the moment.

I outran the guy, but listen, I need you to trace my cell signal immediately.

I was runnin' around hoppin' fences, I have no idea where I am right now.

I need you to trace my cell signal.

You understand?

Yeah, then just come get me.

You or your mom.

Thank you.

I have somebody tracing my exact location with my cell signal.

It's called using your brain.


Let me ask you a question.

They ever arrest that guy?

What guy?

The guy that stole your chin.

Hey, McDick.

Your partner's wife was found dead, so expect to be arrested.

But don't worry, I'll get the charges dropped.

That briefcase contained documents linking you and Conroy to 10 years of corrupt dealings in crimes.

How convenient.

It also had some footage of you going into Georgies right before the place got shot up.

Got rid of Edson and Conroy then you figured, hey maybe Conroy involved his fiance so you two tangled and we all know where that left her.

Dead in bed.

Are you done yet?

Two million bail says you're a dangerous man, McDick.

Well, this dangerous man is ready for some R&R in a place where nobody can shoot at him.

He made bail.


Who put up two million?

Munpoon, what?

Munpoon, that's the guy who tried to kill me.

That's right.

Come on, McDick.

You can't stay here on the taxpayer's dime.

Well, if there's one thing I know, it's that I'm not leaving here today.

Haul him out.

Hey, McDick the gray.


So, you happy now you are released from the jail?

Oh, I'm thrilled.

Thanks for your help, appreciate it.

Oh, cool, cool, nice.

Hey, why don't you get in the car?

Let me give you a ride, come on!

No, I'm gonna walk.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna walk.

Why you little baby fuck detective.

What'd you just call me?

I did call you baby little fuck.

A gun, really?

Yeah, would you come in now?

It's broad daylight, man.

Yes, I'm going to fucking blow your head off in the broad daylight.

Jesus Christ.

Can you give a brother a smoke?

These are tense times.

There you go.

Not if it was in your mouth, God damn it.

What's wrong with you?

Put it in my mouth and then light it.

Fuck you.

Here you go.

Watch the...

Don't set my hair on fire. Come on.

The legendary McDick.

Let me tell you somethin' right now, asshole.

I'm here because of what I know and what I have stashed.

You cannot hurt me because I'm way too valuable.

The only thing we know here for absolute certainty,

that you know nothing and you never have.

Your partner had his dick in so many mashed potatoes.

He tells everyone.

He shared it with you, too.

But did he ever tell you about those mashed potatoes, huh?

What are you doing, man?

What's wrong with you?

Trying to seduce me or something?

Back up.

He was stealing money left and right from everyone.

The time he got killed, you didn't take over so every party involved in there thinks that you are the rat

and they tried to kill you.

Who does that?

Who laughs and hits the side of their face?

It's amazing.

They want to kill you for what you know.

But, in fact, you are the dumbest son of the bitch on this fuckin' planet.

For argument's sake, let's say you're right and I am in fact the dumbest son of the bitch on the planet.

Let's talk solutions.


Should that partner didn't include us on the table.

He excluded all Indians from the table.

So now the little Indians want their little seat at the table, I get it.

Now I want the whole table.

Okay, so what does that have to do with me?

You just said so yourself, I don't know anything.

I'm going to use you.

Everybody wants to kill you.

And while they chop you up, I am going to chalk them up.

What are you talking about chopping?

You mean like, with knives?

I don't like knives.

You mother fucker.

I like those shoes.

Come on.

You brought me a hat!

Thank you.

How'd you find me?

I put a GPS tracking device in your shoe and executed some undercover and evasion techniques.

Clearly, I've taught you well.

We need to go.

Okay, you should make the 6:30.

This is your passport, driver's license, cash.

I read a book about forgeries, those were part of it.

Should get you out of here for good.

Where are yours?

I didn't think...

Listen, I'm not gonna leave here without you.

We're gonna go find Douglas right now, okay, and then we're gonna finish this together.

As a team.


Once and for all.

Start the car.

You've got 60 seconds.

Alright, look, I know I messed up, alright?

I've put you in a couple tough spots, dangerous situations, and I almost got you killed.

I apologize.

Look at me.

Are we okay now?

What's my job, boss?

That's a very good question.

Listen, Melanie's gonna call you in about 30 minutes, alright?

She'll give you all those details.

In the mean time, I want you to take this.

You're probably not gonna need it, but just in case you've got yourself a little hand cannon.


It's fine, it's clean.

Put it away.

Let's hope I don't use it.

Listen to me, listen to me.

Go back in the house, go to your room, wait for the call.

Good man.


McDick has been off the grid for 24 hours.

You're gonna find him, right?

And you're gonna bring him to me, and I'm gonna set his penis on fire.

Damn it!

I need to talk right now.

You have gotta be kidding me.

No, I'm not.

Can I come in?

These are testicles.

White rhino balls.

South African.

This is my balls wall.

I kill 'em, I cut 'em, I stuff 'em, I hang 'em.

There's only one species of any significance I do not have.

Now, it doesn't matter if you know for a fact that Molten has a mountain of incriminating evidence in her home.

The police can't just come into somebody's house because some fired cop who's out on probation for murder charges says so.

You know what, I have seen hard evidence that this woman has framed me for murder.

Now, how is there nothing we can do about this?

Here's the thing, McDick.

Molten is a very smart criminal.

She understands the value of keeping things under the radar.

Have you ever seen her out at a club?

No, she wants to party, she does it on a boat.

Three miles out.

International waters.

Very smart.

Great, you know what?

That's perfect.


You figure out a way to get her on the radar,

and you might actually have some success.

Now, if you'll be so kind as to get the hell out of my sight, I can go to bed.

Did I do something wrong again?

No, I don't think so.

Look, I got a bunch of people comin' after me and I'm really desperate right now and I just need to do a little brainstorming.

So, can I come in?


Hey, I gotta go to work, so, can you lock up when you leave?

Yeah, sure.

Okay. Alright.

Bye. I'll see you.

Thank you.

Are you gone?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Look, I'm really starting to get worried.

I don't think it's too late to back out.

Why don't we just get on a boat and go somewhere.

Where are we gonna go?

I don't know.

We can go to China.

You know we've always talked about wanting to go there.

Look, one day I'll take you to China.

I promise, alright?

Right now, we need to stay in town and execute the master plan that I just came up with last night when I was takin' a shit.

Do tell.

Come here.

Okay? Okay.

Go around that way.

Hey there, I have a delivery for Molten Lava.

Really, McDick?

You know, even for you, this is embarrassing.

Let's go.

Well hello there, young lady.

I don't know what you're up to, but how do you possibly expect whatever the hell it is you're gonna do to work?

There is evidence in this house that you have framed me for murder.

I could spend my life in jail.

So I have three options for you.

One: You go to the cops, come clean, I'm off the hook.

Not gonna happen.


Two: I set off a series of explosions here in the house that will attract the cops, they'll seize the evidence and you'll go to jail.

Bang, no.

That leaves us with number three and this is an interesting one.

You and I have sex.

Right now.

Forget about the past, clean slate, what do you say?

Is that a yes?

I'm gonna kill you tonight.

You broke into my home.

You're trespassing.

I have every right to kill you.

I guess you forgot to think about that.

Three, two-- Backwards, wow.


What the fuck was that?

I just blew up half your house.

I'm gonna slash your fucking throat.

Alright, hey, Douglas?

You know what, go ahead and set off those fire crackers.

She's not listening to me.

Oh, yeah, Douglas, why not, huh?

Let's bring the 4th of July up in here.

You know what, that's a very nice dance.

I say we relax, slip between the sheets.

I'm relaxed.

I think we're gonna do this--

Let's do this.

Take that!

Momma's comin'.

You want this tonight?

What the hell are you doing?

You want this tonight?

Not the face, not the tie either.

Give me a kiss.

I got a hair in my mouth.

Take off your shirt.

Wait, are we having sex right now?


Come here you little bitch.

What'd you call me?

I called you a little bitch.

What'd you call me?

You think you can handle that?

Just sit on my face.

I'm just gonna go home now.

Take off your shirt.

I just took down the biggest crime lord this side of the Mississippi, okay?

You know what the Mississippi is?

And you're telling me you're gonna hold me here for interrogation?

It's outrageous!

The only thing I wanna hear out of you, McDick, is silence.

What do you do, stand up off the clock?

Listen, you should be on the phone with your superior, organizing a parade in my honor.

This is outrageous.

What are you guys whispering about?

Listen, Melanie, just because I've been arrested, doesn't mean you have to be arrested too.

You should get out of here, okay?

They know that you work for me.

Alright, shut up and listen.

What's wrong with you?

I've been working undercover for Interpol for the last two years bringing down a network of criminals.

You were the perfect Patsy for the Molten Lava sting.

What's Interpol?

What're you talkin' about?

You're facing at least ten years behind bars.

But, lucky for you, the game has just changed.

What game?

This isn't fun, what're you talking about?

You've been lying to me this entire time?

My biggest target, Count Velvet, has gone missing somewhere in Asia.

With him, it's personal.

Not only do I need to capture him, I need to break his soul, okay?

The things I need to do with him?

Even the law won't allow.

We're going off grid.

Count Velvet, is that what you said?

I don't care about him.

I don't care about Asia.

I'm not goin' anywhere.

I stole this from the CIA and you're going to help me smuggle it into Asia so that I can destroy Count Velvet.

I am not smuggling anything.

Let me be very clear about that.

You have two choices.

One: You can voluntarily remove your pants, allow me to insert this into a deep cavity, and I don't mean your teeth.

Or two: I can inject you with this, which will allow me to do what I must but it may leave you permanently impotent.



I would rather be executed.

So, why don't you march downstairs and get my lawyer on the phone.

This is your last chance.

What's it gonna be?

Can I ask you something?

Is this real?

As real as it gets.


Good boy.

You've had money stolen out of your Belize account.

I don't give a shit about you but I know who's behind this and I will find him.

Who stole my money?

He found out that you stole Molten Lava's money and he knows it was you who framed him.

Where is he?

We lost him about two weeks ago in Beijing, but he was captured on camera last night sprinting through a Paris hotel without his pants on.

I need you to help me lure him back stateside.

Whatever it takes.


You motherfucker.