Mean Machine (2001) Script

New car, Z? For your information only... that's a prototype.

Bother. Yes. Right.

I'll be back in a sec. Don't touch a thing.

England captain Danny "mean machine"meehan... is licensed to score with Umbro.

Licensed to get hammered, you mean.


Elvis, large whiskey.

Do you want anything in that? Yeah, a double.

It's lively in here, isn't it?

Didn't you used to be Danny Meehan? Used to be, mate.

A very long time ago.

Sir, I'm afraid we're gonna have to Breathalyze you.

No need, Officer. I'm totally drunk.

Come on, Danny. No trouble.

Oh, look. A miniature copper.

I think you'd better come with us.

Don't be silly. Oh, come on.

You are nicked, sunshine.

BBC News headlines. At London Crown Court this morning... ex-England football captain Danny meehan was jailed for three years... despite having pleaded guilty to assaulting two police officers... and driving drunk whilst banned. meehan's downfall from the top of world football celebrity has been swift... since accusations of match-fixing ended the career... of one of this country's finest players.

The judge showed little sympathy for meehan's pleas of mitigation... imposing the maximum sentence. meehan showed no emotion as he was led away.

The one-time superstar will serve his sentence... at Longmarsh High-security Prison... famous for its rehabilitation program... reformed characters... Fill his face in! and modern conditions.

Open!

That's it. Get out! Come on!

Get away from the van. Shut it!

This is a category B nick, not fuckin' Butlins.

Do you understand? You're nothing in here. Do you hear me?

Nothing! Move out!

May the good Lord be with you.

He's a pretty boy.

Coming in!

Go on. Straight down the stairs there.

Prisoner on the move!

Stay behind the line. Stand there. Valuables?

Prisoner Meehan, 04 112.

Sign it.

Here's your designer gear for the next three years. Enjoy.

What are you waiting for, eh? Come on, move it!


He was captain of his country and he ends up in here, eh?

73 international appearances, and you sell your country out in a game?

That's unbloodyEnglish, that is.

Chief?


I'm the chief officer of this prison.

You call me "Mr. Burton, sir."

You call him Mr. Ratchett and him Mr. Hayter.

Anybody in this uniform, you call mister, right?

Right...

Mr. Burton, sir.

Sometime tomorrow, the governor wants a word.

He wants you to coach my football team.

Little word of advice:

You're gonna smile nicely and say no.

Move it, Meehan! All right!

What did you say? That's "Mr. Hayter, sir" to you.

Do you understand?

I think you need a little reminder of Mr. Burton's orders.

You won't coach... that football team, okay?

Stand there where I can see you.

Stow your kit top right.

All right, lads. New cell mate for you.

I'm sure you recognize him. He used to be a somebody once upon a time.

Out you go. Got plenty of time to get to know your new playmates.

Work assignment, C wing.

Got you an apprentice. He used to be a sweeper.

Comedian. Enjoy it, Meehan.

I've got some advice for you.

Thanks. I'm a bit short on advice today.

This will change your life. Do you see that?

Be very careful of those. Some of the boys have a crap in the night... wrap it and airmail it out the window.

Here, use this.

Glamorous job, huh?

Stick it in the bin and follow me, okay?

Come on!

Do you know who that is? Oi, Meehan.

Here.

Not the muscle, the other one.

Christ, he's got old.

Thirty years will do that to you.

Still thinks he's Al Capone.

You'd better go over.

You know who I am? Charlie Sykes.

I run this nick.

I've been told.

I lost a great deal of money... on an England/Germany game a few years back... after one of the Englanders gave away a very suspect penalty... after 72 minutes of playing time.

So I think that you owe me.

Come on, superstar. Tour's not over.

You know, it's not gonna be easy for you in here.

What's everyone's problem?

You really wanna know?

Most of the guys in here have nothing.

Never had to start with. But you... you had everything they ever dreamed of... and you threw it all away.


It's the superstar! Danny Meehan.

It's the thingy.

Fuckin' hell, the Mean Machine!

I bet you've got a few stories haven't you, eh? All thethe all the, you know, the pussy and all that thing.

Funny enough, no. Yeah?

So what, big shot.

I know all about fame. I was a face.

I was a face myself. I was the man.

The late '80s, all around the raves, all that, fuckin' vroom!

I was the top fuckin' man!

My food? Oh, Danny boy Anything you need, I'm a onestop shop, okay?

Anything you want, I can get it for you.

I've just had that from Mr. Fix It over there, throwing the beans.

Nitro? Keep away from him, mate.

Gets in with all the, like, newcomers... so that he can hustle them.

And what's your angle?

If you want any of life's little luxurieschocolate... toothpaste, soft toilet paper Massive is your man.

Massive? It's ironic.

Right, Raj, you be black.

No, man, I'll be white. Raji, just chill, man.

Don't fight it. You got a black nose. You saying I'm black?

Well, that makes me the first Iranian from Babylon.

Oh, look. The neighborhood star's in town.

Put the kettle on, Raji. Oh, would you like any biscuits?

I never asked to be put in here. What, and we did?

I don't need this. You don't need this?

Let me tell you what we don't need.

We don't need you, another body, in here.

Ain't nothin' personal, pal. It's just, I don't fuckin' like you.

Oh, our star looks beat, Troj.

Yeah, he needs to chill. Yeah, he's had a hard day at work.

Any requests, star?


The legendary Broadhurst Monk.

Shipped in about six months ago... but they still have him down on the special unit.

Why?

Apparently he killed 23 men with his bare hands.

Maybe I should take up karate.

Oh, that was before he took up karate.

Don't mess with him. Not even the screws.

Not even when he's all cuffed up.

That the famous footballer? Exfootballer.

He's just a number now.

Chief.

Stand there.

Danny Meehan.

Well, it is a pleasure to meet you.

I'm a big football fan. Big.

What do you think of amateur football?

It's amateur.

Yes. Well, I'm sure we're not a match for the pros... but we do have our own team.

Southern division, semipros.

And we have a chance of winning the division this year, getting promotion.

We have been runnersup before... but first is first and second is nowhere.

I want you to train the team.

Use your professional experience.

Well, I haven't played football for years and...

I'm a little bit out of condition at the moment.

I pulled a lot of strings to get you assigned to my prison.

I'm sorry. I'm just not your man.

We'll stick a pin in it for now. Out.

Mr. Burton, a quick word if I may. Sir?

I've spent a fortune on this team for no return.

I am the coach of this team. With the amount of money... that I've spent, we should have bloody won the World Cup by now.

You cannot put a prisoner in charge of the guards' team.

Just get it done, please.

I wouldn't get too close, miss. Why?

You're not dangerous, are you, Mr. Footballer?

Only if you've got the ball, miss. Get out!

Hey, Danny boy, I can get you anything.

Anything that's not on the menu. Know what I mean?

Is that stink you, Meehan?

Don't you poke me again.

Don't you start growing a spine, footballer.

Bollocks.

Hands behind your neck, Meehan! Hands behind your neck!

Hands behind your neck! Bitch, shut up!

Hands behind your neck, Meehan! You bitch!

Let go! Let go, Meehan! Let go of the baton, Meehan!

Let go of the baton, Meehan! Fuckin'

Pack it in. Pack it in.


Razzledazzle, 3:00, Kempton Park.

Five thousand pounds, please.

To win.

All this lovely fresh air, eh?

Wouldn't you rather be out there on the pitch, coaching?

I just wanna keep my head down... do my 12 months and I'm going home. Twelve months, yes.

But that's with parole.

And that's before you assaulted another inmate... and attacked my staff. Wait a minute.

Three years. That's your sentence.

So you could be with us for some time. Hmm?

Take him back to solitary.

Psst. Have a nice week's holiday. Yeah, lovely.

There is a way out. What?

Listen. Convince the governor the best way to train the guards... is to play a really tough match against a team of cons... with you as the captain.

Well, pros always have a preseason friendly.

Well, what do you think, Mr. Burton?

Could be winwin for everybody.

Well, could this work, Meehan?

Yeah. But I need time to prep.

And I get to pick my own team.

Ooh, I could get a real F.A. ref.

There's one at my golf club.

That'd be good. One more thing.

What goes on on the pitch, stays on the pitch.

Deal? Goes without saying.

I am a marketing genius.

You better get yourself some rest, superstar. Busy day tomorrow.

We'll see.

Oi, remember, anything you need.

I'm fine. Thanks. Yeah?

It's not what I heard. What?

I could have been a pro, you know. I was good. I was very good.

They were gonna take me on, only I had a bit of trouble and blah, blah.

The old knees, I suppose, yeah?

Bomb making.

Otherwise, you know.

Well, I'm sure it was a big loss to the game.

I've gotta go, but I'll catch you later.

Nitro.

Dickhead.

Yes, Razzledazzle, came second.

What's the problem, darling? Well, that's not possible.

It's very possible, sweets. That's not possible.

I think you owe me five G, darling.

Have a nice day.

So what happened to your marketing, Mr. Genius?

It's early days yet. You gotta give it a little bit of time, Dan.

Oi, Danny. Over here, mate. Over here.

Here we go.

Now I can say I've had a kick about with Danny the Mean Machine.

Whoowhoo! Burning in me head! Burning in me head!

It's all right. I'll go and get it.

Found a new bum chum, have we?

Makes you feel big, does he? He's just using you.

Once he finds his feet in here, he'll dump you on your fat, black arse... you jumpedup little shit.

Mr. Ratchett, sir, whilst I don't wish to be rude...

I believe you watched too many Tarzan films as an impressionable child.

Don't you get fuckin' smart with me. You understand?

Now get outta my sights.

What happened to you?

Nothing.

Sykes's boys look pretty useful.

Don't even think about it.

Who do you think's been stoppin' everyone from playin'?

I loved your work, man.

Sorry?

I never believed any of the talk. I can't believe it.

Here you are.

Cheers.

That buys you three across, mate.

Then you can teach me. Have a nice one.

Will you teach me, yeah?

Teach you what?

All that, you know, all them soccer skills.

All that.

Sorry, mate, do what?

You know, like the pros. All that caper.

Yeah?

I gotta go, but we'll stick a pin in it, all right?

We'll stick a pin in it, eh, Dan? Lovely.

Fan club.

Bloody stalker.

What's three across?

What?

I just saw a bloke pay money for a strip of crossword.

Ah, Sykes.

Yeah, three across, four letters...

"acid."

You see, the governor lets Sykes get his Racing Times... and other papers special delivery.

He thinks it helps Sykes work out form... and give him tips.

He doesn't know that they're presoaked in acid.

He's actually smuggling Sykes's drugs in for him.

He came second, and it cost me 5,000 pounds.

You must have made the wrong bet.

"W" for win.

Win.

It's got smudged in the rain.

"EW."

"EW" means to place.

It's a fuckin' disgrace, if you ask me.

Meehan fraternizing with that shower of shit.

What do you want, Tompkinson?

I was thinking. Now, I know I know that I can help you, Mr. Ratchett, sir, you know.

Information and all. Blah, blah. Whatever.

Help yourself, more like. I'm sick of this place.

I need to get a transfer. Yeah? HMP Silver Sands.

Away from the influence of all these criminals, sir.

You keep me posted.

Oh, look. A monkey learning new tricks.

Why don't you just leave me alone, man?

Because I don't like uppity coons, that's why.

Listen, man. No, you listen!

You animal. Animal?

You callin' me a fuckin' animal?

I'll open you up like a tin of fuckin' beans!

Hey, stop him! Someone stop him!

When did you get balls big enough to fuck with me, you fuckin' scum?

Mass, are you all right? Christ, he needs a doctor! Get a doctor!


That fuckin' Meehan.


Mr. Burton, have you missed me?

You might be the governor's pet project, Meehan, but don't push it.

It's called sunlight. Think of it as a privilege which can be withdrawn.

Danny boy.

Well, come on then, star.

They're saying thanks for saving Massive.

Where's your manners? What would your old mum say?

Fuck me. Wish I'd met her.

Let's see how good you are. Sort yourselves out. Skins v. shirts.

What's that? I'm your manager.

Since when? Don't bother giving me orders.

Look, stop bitchin', bitch.

Dan, have a word. Shut it, Massive.

Oi, lads, want a game?

Fuck off!

Come, Dan. Plenty of room over there.

Shoot!

Yes, yes, Troj, it's up!

What'd you think? Bring the clipboard.

Five.

Three.

A generous one.

Seven. Seven?

You missed two.

Ten. Eight.

My mum could have scored from that distance.

Still. Yeah, I know.

Right, lads, over here. We'll try a Left hand down.

Right hand down. Clap.

Up, run.

Bollocks. One, two... three, four I don't know.

I wouldn't mind a crack at the guards. I'm sorry. I missed that.

Just saying, be a laugh.

Well, that's the Scots all over, isn't it?

On the firm when it suits them... and the next minute they're all mistyeyed and independent.

I was only saying And I'm saying no.

I think we're going to have to work on the stamina, lads.

I'll pay at the end of the month. No, sweets.

It's cash on the nail. Well, I haven't got it.

Well, sell the nice new Saab then, love.

How'd you know about that?

Pay us or we'll torch the motor.

You can pay us out of the insurance. There you go, sorted.

I was told you were reasonable. Reasonable, sweetheart?

Reasonable is how come you ain't sitting in a pool of your own piss... wondering how to get up with smashed knees and elbows.

Okay?

Big kiss.

Looking forward to getting a thrashing, Meehan?

If it means getting out early, I'll take another beating from your mob.

Who said anything about a beating? I'm talking about the match.

Come on. I've seen your lot in action.

I don't run my ship like that.

Are you making a complaint? No.

Lock it up!

Oi. What's the matter?

Did you have a nice chat with your chum Burton, eh?

Ain't you got any hobbies?

You sleep with one eye open, son.

Whatever.


Hello, Danny boy. Nitro.

I've been wondering, Dan. I think you need a manager.

The tactics and all that, well, I am the business.

Massive's manager.

I know, but I'm better than him, because I had trials, didn't I? So We all had trials, mate. That's why we're here.

Fuck off. Fuck off!

Football trials, yeah?

I could be the I could be the physio.

Oh, no, no, wait there. I could be the pharmacist.

Get the lads all pepped up and all that business.

I don't think so, mate.

Good job he likes you.

He blew up five people he didn't.

They're stupid, you know.

They won't even let me in their shitty squad or nothing like that.

I don't give a fuck about their fuckin' squad! Do you understand me?

If you want out of this fuckin' prison... you gotta come up with something to spoil their little party.

Otherwise, you're fucked.

Okay, okay, okay, relax. Be in the atrium...

11.: 00 tomorrow morning.

Ah, Mr. Burton. Thank you.

It's only a paper. Mmhmm.

One down, two words you're nicked.

Do you know the penalty for possessing illegal substances in a prison?

Search him.

What you looking at, freak?

You were grassed up. Eh?

That dodgy fuckin' Meehan is getting well pally with Mr. Burton.

I've seen 'em talking.

What are you doing, Ketch? No one likes a rat, Danny boy.

What do you mean a rat, eh, Chiv? The big man's right.

We're gonna see what we can do about them beady eyes, eh?

Fuck, you know it weren't me.

"You know it's not me." Which one am I gonna burst?

You choose the left or the right.

For fuck's sake! Go on, pop it!

Fucking hold him still! Hurry up, you Scots bastard!

Who you calling a Scots bastard? You, you twat!

I cut myself shaving. Nosebleed. It's the altitude.

Ooh, you wanna get that seen to.

Right, that's a yellow card, gentlemen.

Behave yourselves.

You wanna be more careful with this.

You could have had my eye out.


Thanks, by the way.

You saved me a lot of grief back there.

Sorry about that.

That's all right.

Anyway, you need a few more players.

What about your lot over there? Don't think so.

Not against Sykes's lot. Not that some of them wouldn't be up for it.

What makes you bulletproof? He's not... but he's well friendly with one bloke that Sykes is nervous about.

Who? The Monk, man.

That dude is beyond mental. And so are his pals on the outside.

Sykes, he wants a smooth flow.

All he really cares about is profit.

What money?

What money?

You're a betting man. We'll make a deal.

Let your lads play. Win or lose... you call the result, bet accordingly.

Back to your fixing the match routine, right?

Now, listen. It's like this.

I'd never take a bet against England... and I wouldn't bet the screws against the cons.

Then we can play to win.

Would you think about it? Yes, I'll think about it.

But right now, I'm thinking you're polluting my air.

Now go away.

How'd it go? It didn't.

Here, Dan. Dan

I've been thinking. Leave the thinking to me, Billy.

Yeah, yeah, of course, Dan.

Well, what it is, Dan

I was wondering if Wondering what, Billy?

Can I be on the team?

The squad, Billy. You can be on the squad.

I won't let you down, Danny. You know that, don't you?

Yes, the squad, yes! Come on! Well in, Bill. Well done!

Yeah, the squad, the squad!

Well in.

Yes, you told me they were reasonable.

They are reasonable, but they're businessmen.

You got me into this, and you can get me out.

I opened the door, you walked through it.

You've been making money ever since. So why haven't you got it?

It is just a temporary cashflow problem.

The team is bleeding me dry.

Well, get it sorted.

Because this lot have got a bad habit of turning cashflow problems... into bloodflow problems.

I used to do double this just for a warm up, you know.

Anno domini, mate.

I used to be able to piss in one go... and then forget about it for the rest of the morning.

You never did say how come it ain't done your nut in here being in so long.

Only does your nut if you don't think you should be here.

Look at me. Sweet old man, huh?

Bit bumbly, full of jailblock wisdom.

Cornerstone of the jail, put in with the foundations, right?

Right.

I didn't get to be the oldest con for breakin' windows.

Villains spend their lives shitting themselves... that other criminals are going to seize them.

So they get their retaliation in first and twice as nasty.

A bloke was comin' after me.

So I...

I went around to his digs and lobbed a grenade in the window.

Left over after the war, you know. Army surplus.

I didn't know, but he had his little baby... and his girl in there with him.

The house went up like a firecracker.

No one came out.

He barricaded the door with furniture in case I came around.

By the time they got in, the screamin' had stopped.

Thirteen months old.

Learning to walk, apparently.

Nothing I can do is ever gonna make up for that, is it?


You're on. What's that, a joke?

I'm not famous for my sense of humor.

I know Nitro's the grass, not you.

One thingyou fight one of my boys.

Fight? A little earner I stage now and then.

I can't be seen giving you a free ride. Fight who?

Fight him.

Soft as puppy shit, Nick is.

I'm an exfootballer, Charlie, not a boxer.

So? Kick him.

An eye for an eye, you bastard.

Fucking eye for a fucking Boo!

Don't you do that again. Calm down, silly beggar.

You seem to be making more fucking enemies by the minute.

Yeah? Well, I want out... of this shithouse!

Please! Please!

You're halfway home, son. I'm taking you down to segregation now.

That's why I'm here. Yeah?

Yeah.

Just get me a transfer, Mr. Ratchett, sir, please.

Please. Please. Silverino Sands, yeah?

Boom, boom, boom, boom. I will do anything, Mr. Ratchett, sir.

I will do anything, Mr. Ratchett.

You owe me for this. Out. Now.

We have a small change of plan.

Nick has come over all poorly... so I had to bring on a substitute.

Walk away, Danny. Walk away.

Mass, this is the only way we're gonna get these boys to play.

In the dirty brown corner, with a record of 350... all coming by the way of the big K O... the heavyduty champion of the penal world...

Ketch, the black country bastard!

Come on!

And in the other equally dirty brown corner, we have the challenger.

Formerly known as "The Mean Machine."

Danny "I've had more bloody backhanders than Boris Becker"...

Meehan!

Gentlemen, it's alternate punches... followed by one mug of fivestar prison cognac.

Cheers.

No using your left hand. No butting, biting... spitting, poking or kissing, you.

It's show time!

First head to hit the table loses.

First punch to the challenger.

Is he trying to kiss me or what?

Keep your head off the table.

Head up!

Hey! Hey! Focus, Danny. Wake up!

He fuckin' He fuckin'

Get the water on him.

Straighten yourself up, Danny. Concentrate.

Focus, Danny!

Easy, easy, easy, easy. By the way...

I'm in here for assault and battery.

Troj, water! Come on!

Come on!

Keep your head up. Keep your head up!


I'm in here for drunken assault.

Yeah!

First up, I'd like to welcome Mr. Sykes's boys.

Now watch this.

Hey, all right!

Nice, Danny.

Okay, if you wanna do that, join a circus.

It's no good to us.

What we need is 11 men to play as a team. Right?

Right! Yes!

That's lovely, Dan, that. Well in.

Okay, positions. Now I play center midfield.

Let's have all the midfield players behind me defenders to me left, strikers to me right.

Come on, lads. Come on! Come on!

Terrific.

Let's move on.

That's good. Now pass it.

Pass it, Trojan!

Pass it!

Trojan, it's a team game! Pass to our team!

He's too greedy.

Okay, fellas. Now the key to set pieces is concentration... calculation, teamwork.

With corners, it's about movement... drawing defenders out of position.

When it comes to defending... it's about tackling... finesse... calculation.

Now remember these simple rules and we're in with a chance.

Any questions?

Lovely story.

Yeah.

We still need a goalkeeper.

Somebody to boss the defense about.

Well, there's one man I know who could boss our defNo. No.

Fuck that. That's not even worth thinking about.

Who? Who? No, you'll laugh your head off.

Who? The Monk.

The Monk? Can he play?

Well, they say he could have turned pro before he turned mad.

How mad is he? He's the Scot that even Scots fear.

What did he do? Something very dark up in Glasgow.

I heard he ate Hannibal the Cannibal. Let me tell you something.

Not even the pope could get him out of the special wing.

Well, Monk is in the highsecurity wing.

So do me a favor. Maybe I can help you with Barry the Bookie.

I'm listening.

Bet the game, your guards to win.

Price is right, we make a killing.

You pay off Barry and have some left.

Take the missus to Malaga.

This is so illegal.

I think "criminal" is the word.

All right, big man.

Sound.

Danny Meehan, he's all right. Know what I mean?

He's got a wee favor to ask you.

Hello, Mr. Monk.

Can you play football? Aye.

Good.

Would you like to play with us?

No.

We're playin' the guards.

Aye. I'm with ya.

Sound. Thanks a lot, Mr. Monk.

Okay, let's try it. Troj, you take the corner.

It's my ball. Mouse's ball, Troj.

Come on, Troj. Yeah, yeah. To me, Troj.

It's Mouse's ball. My ball. Whoo! Yeah!

He's broke my bloody nose. Let's have a look.

Let me have a look.

He did that on purpose.

No, he didn't. Yes, he did.

Tell him Tell him it was an accident.

All right, it was an accident.

Get yourself off over the back there. He said it was an accident.

You're not worried about the opposition, are you, Mr. Burton?

A team of life's losers, led by a man who can be bought and sold.

I don't think so. Not when the game's about character.

We'll give you a match.

You'll give us a game. I doubt whether you can match us.

We'll see.

One! Two! Three!

Look up! Pass it, pass it! Look up again!

Well done. Nice and easy. Let the ball do the work.

As the ball's comin' to you, look up.

Start again. Spread out. Spread out!

Left! Left! Up! Down!

Strike! Strike! Up! Down!

Come on, Jerome. Come on!

Go! Go! One, two, three, four!

And left, and right. And left, and right.

And left, and right. And left, and right.

Hurry it up there! I told you two to keep the center tight!

I've also always told you to wear tieups on your socks.

Now you, get over there and mark up. And you, bugger off.

Four! Five!

Now listen, Daniel. I'm not putting you under pressure, right?

But I'm burning up phone cards... taking bets from prisons up and down the country.

Oh, no.

And despite what the governor thinks...

I'm betting us to win.

So my arse is on the line.

And by my arse, I mean your arse.

Okay, lads, need a volunteer.

Yep, Dan. Dan. Yeah, all right, Bill.

Give Monk and Chiv a hand with their demonstration.

Lovely. Cheers, Danny.

Aye, right, so, we are the cons... and they are the screws.

So if anybody's gonna play dirty, it's gonna be they fuckers.

So here's one or two wee examples, just to keep us a step ahead.

Know what I mean? Numero uno--

The accidental tread on the toe.

It's an obvious one, but it works.

Aw, fuck!

Numero two Right, daftie. Run towards the Monk.

What now? Yeah? On you go, half pace.

The cunningly titled "elbow in the face." Very, very effective.

But you do tend to get sent off, so if you're gonna use it... make sure the ref's not looking.

Number four. Hold up. Hold up.

What happened to number three?

When you're helping them up... grab the hairs under his armpits and twist them round.

Hurts like a bastard, doesn't it? Yeah.

Number five. Wait. I'm gonna have a sitdown.

I don't want to hog it. Let one of these have a go.

You're all right, Bill. You're the man. You're hard. Get in there.

Yeah, as it happens, yeah. No, go on, yeah.

And finally, the piece de resistance.

Number 23. I can't.

Monk, stop. I'm in a bad way, mate.

Monk, I can't breathe!

Oh, fuck!

The guillotine. Come on then. Let's move on.

Get yourself up. You're making the place look untidy.

Was that all right, though, Dan? Cream.

Well done, lads. Finish with a bit of shooting practice.

Troj, you come out and lay them off. Massive, marks out of ten.

You done well with that lot.

Passes the time, Doc.

You know, it's not a crime to admit enjoying it.

You're becoming a sentimental old fart, ain't you?

Go on, Troj, hit it!

That bloody Meehan. Who does he think he is, eh?

Don't you worry about Meehan. I've got something sorted for him.

Mr. Popular, time to meet your friends.

You can't put me back on the wing, sir.

You scratch my back... Sykes will fuckin' kill me.

I'll scratch yours. Sykes will kill me.

You know the itch I want scratching.

I don't want Meehan on that pitch. You understand?

Okay. I know what needs to be done.

Nice and easy.

Right down the middle.

And aone...

and atwo.

Good shot. Good shot.

Where you been? The governor's been waiting. It's the end of your shift.

I'll take him straight in. Okay, miss.

I've thought of a way I can really help you.

The sad old twat videos all their games.

Really? And I've written some pointers.

My own little dossier on the guards, like funny habits and that.

I'm sure you'll find it interesting. Now can you hurry up?

We haven't got much time.

Quicker!

One thing. What?

This is strictly sex. I ain't gonna respect you after.

I don't blame you. Girls like to brag at the pub as well.

I've heard.

What? What? Easy.

Change your oil, did you?

Gentlemen should never kiss and tell, Massive. You know that.

I think I'd better go home.

Massive, inside information on the opposition.

Read it careful. It's really important.

All right, Danny. There's a meeting now in Mr. Sykes's cell.

All right, lads, a bit of windup material on the opposition.

Ketch, this one's for you.

You know old Ratchett keeps going on about his dodgy knee.

Well, it's the right one.

This one is dynamite. Marsden's daughter Donna... has been known to dabble in quite a few different class A drugs.

Let him know about it at the right time.

Here we go, Danny boy. Danny boy.

And now for our secret weapon.

Danny, tape. Oh, shit. I forgot it.

Left it in me locker. Ah, yeah, I need a piss anyway.

Cheers, Doc.

Sorry, boys.

That's all right. Get the old boy working.

Danny, why did you do it?

Throw that game.

Fuck me, Jerome. You do talk too much.

Sorry. No, you're all right.

It's funny... but when you're in that football world... you just don't realize what it means to people.

And you only find out how disappointed they are when you let them down.

I was 16 when I signed pro forms.

Thought I was the business.

Didn't take long for standards to start slipping.

Cars, booze, bad tips for slow horses.

You think you can handle it, then bang very soon it's handling you.

Before I was picking up trophies...

I was 425 grand down... to men nasty enough to Well, they even would have put the wind up Mr. Sykes.

But they did give me two choices a wheelchair for life... or a deliberate penalty against the Germans.

It's not as if I've prospered.

Look where I've ended up.

But I'll tell you something--

I didn't start off as a youngster looking to sell me country out.

None of us planned to be here, mate.

You're a hero in Scotland.

Sign it, and I'll ship you straight out of here.

Okay.

You know, even down here it ain't safe from Sykes.

He's put a price on your head, sunshine.

Killing Doc was a big mistake. Fuck him.

Where am I off to, boys? The HMP Silver Sands, where all the rich go?

Not exactly. No. No?

No. You're gonna catch the ghost train out of here... to the funny farm. The funny farm.

Her Majesty's Prison Broadhurst.

What? I'm gonna get you!

Yeah! I'll find your house! I'm gonna blow it up!

No, you won't! By the time the orderlies are finished with you... you won't be able to blow your fucking nose!

Let me out!

I'm gonna get you!


I reckon you're quits now, old man.


No, don't don't you worry about the car.

I'd have my bloody house on this one.

Done deal, darling. Yes.

Wanker.

Okay, gentlemen. You've got 90 minutes... to show them that when it comes to physical and mental strength... they can't touch us.

Most of them are gonna want to mix it up out there.

Don't get involved.

All right, lads. You wanna be nothing... numbers, prisoners, that's fine.

If you win out there today, you'll have something to remember forever.

You'll talk about it over and over.

'Cause up and down the country cons are sick about not being here today... just to have one crack at those bastards next door.

Let's win, and let's win well.

Lose, and they'll never let you forget it.

Run your guts out, you'll have something here they can never touch.

No parole boards, judges... or nutcase governors.

They've got one good player.

But he's had his moment, and this is a team game.

Now, ask yourselves one question.

Are you ready? Yes.

Are we? Yes!

Well, come on!

So I'm lookin' at each and every one of you lads... to get out there and show them who's boss!

Come on!

Hold up for Mr. Sykes.

Doc was a different generation.

And he saved all his life.

But before he died, he had me sort out these.

Come and get 'em, mates!

Good afternoon. I'm Bob Likely. You join us live from the recreation field.

Yes, I'm Bob Carter. And thanks once again to our esteemed governor wanker for providing the splendid facilities that are here... as part of his progressive rehabilitation campaign.

For our audience who are cooped up inside, here's a weather report.

It's a beautiful day, Bob. And what a day it is.

And the waiting's over. Yes, the guards are out first... fronted by Mr. Burton.

And here comes the Mean Machine, led out... by our most famous son, Danny meehan.

Don't worry. The boys are up for it. I'm not worried.

Where'd they get those uniforms? Cheeky bastards.

Mean Machine! Mean Machine!

Skip. Skip.

Your call. Heads.

Heads we are, then. Okay.

This is the one. Take your chances.

Don't start anything. If they do, finish it, okay?

Yeah! Come on, then!

Simple ball every time, eh?

Boy, Mr. Sykes, you look the part.

All you need now is a Here we go, Bob. It's the big one we've all been waiting for.

Longmarsh Prison guards versus Longmarsh Prison cons.

It's the cons to kick off.

Ref!

A free kick to the cons.

Ketch has just floored Mr. Ratchett.

What's the matter with you? Shut up, you pussy.

Ow! You fat bastard!

Ow! You fat bastard!

Well done, Ketch. Just be subtle.

Which one's he, then?

Come on. Take him out, son!

And Trojan evades Marsden brilliantly.

If only he could have done that the night he got nicked.

Keeper plays it long.

Walker brings it down to the halfway line.

And it's a misplaced pass to Jerome McFife.

But the everobservant Mr. Burton kicks it back to the guards.

It's a neat onetwo. Walker to Burton.

Back to Walker. He shoots. Ooh! Just past the post.

Almost. And that was too close for comfort.

Too fucking close for my liking, Bob.

Get up there! Monk plays it out to Danny Meehan.

Meehan has it in the center. Goes forward unchallenged.

It's a onetwo.

And Burton has taken Meehan's legs away.

And Meehan does not look happy.

That's it, Burton!

Now, what's the matter with the rest of you, eh?

You four stand there. Split on my run. I want to try something.

Meehan to take it. Looks like he might chip this one, Bob.

Right at Ratchett's crown jewels.

It'll take more than a magic sponge to take the sting out of that.

Fuck me.

For Christ's sake, ref, that was bloody deliberate.

Free kick. And ball. Protect yourself at all times.

You what? Ten yards!

Ten! Come away!

Right in his carrots and onions.

No nookie for Mr. Ratchett. No nookie for Mrs. Ratchett neither.

Play on!

Just goes to show, Bob, lightning can strike twice.

Absofuckin'lutely, Bob.

23 minutes of the first half to go and it's getting heated out there.

Oh, yeah, Bob. Very rock and roll.

Fuckin' hell. He's got to get back in goal.

Well, I ain't tellin' him.

Piss off, you Scotch bastard.

How's your daughter, by the way? Donna?

Still hanging about street corners and that to feed the habit?

What's up with ya?

For Christ's sake!

That's it, fellas! Good teamwork!

That is a hard but a fair tackle, Bob.

Yeah, it was a fair challenge. But that wasn't.

Oh, and this could be dangerous for the cons, Bob.

A free kick here. You're back in afterwards.

Don't think I didn't see it. Ketch has took his drop.

The guards look determined to convert this.

Make it count! Get him!


The Monk's collected it cleanly.

The Monkcalm and calculated. Looks like the therapy's paying off.

And once again, Monk's played it out to Trojan... who's again switched to the left. He must be ambidextrous.

I don't know about that, but he sure can use both feet.

Goal!

Goal!

Yeah!

Beauty! You beauty! Go on, my son! Go on, my son!

We're all over 'em.

Onenil, to the Mean Machine. It's the guards to kick off.

It's getting tough out there, Bob. You can say that again, Bob.

It's getting tough out there, Bob. Never mind, Bob.

Oh, no, Bob. It looks like the Monk's at it again.

Pass it!

Do that again, I'll rip your head off. Ref, did you hear that?

I'm not worried. He said it to you, not me.

Let's go, sonny.

What is he doing?

Don't ask me. You're the skipper. You tell him.

Bollocks.

Hold on. Oi! You great fucker!

Ooh, it's kicked off. Let's just try and keep calm.

Referee! Go on! Get in there!

Go on! Chin him!

This isn't a football match! Do him! Do him!

Go on! This is bollocks.

Hey. Come on. Hit him! Fuck you!

This is bollocks! What the fuck's going on here?

Where the fuck are you, referee?

Excuse me. Sorry.

Calm down, everybody! Come on!

Ref, how long?

Bollocks. That'll do.

Halftime. Come on.

One-nil, to the mean machine One-nil And what do you think you're doing? You're supposed to throw this game.

Yeah. The boys don't seem to be taking much notice of me.

Youthful exuberance.

Shame. Would have worked out nice.

That's halftime. What do you think Meehan will be saying to the boys?

He'd be telling them that there's only 45 minutes left to play.

Yeah.

Well done. Well done.

Settle down, boys. Have a listen.

We ain't won nothing yet.

All we got is one goal. Now, this half is when we're gonna earn it.

Midfield, tuck in. Get round behind the ball. Monk

Good work, Monk. Just don't leave us exposed at the back, all right?

Mouse It's me nose.

Bill, you come on for Mouse. Where am I playing?

Take his place. Come midfield with me.

Frenchy, have a look at his nose.

Okay, lads, we've botched it, but we're onenil down.

Mr. Hayter, when the overlap comes You think about it.

We're getting beaten by a bunch of worthless criminals.

I'm doing my halftime talk, sir.

You sit down.

Have you forgotten who they are?

They're the dregs of society and they're in the next dressing room... and they're laughing at you right now.

Just remember this:

Every man here is playing for his job.

Including you.

You wanted to see me?

Yes.

What the hell's going on? You wanted a game.

Yes, but you never said anything about winning.

I never said nothing about losing either.

Before leaving us, Nitro wrote a confession.

He admitted to killing Doc.

Said you knew about it, and that you sent Doc to your cell.

Now, that's accessory to murder.

And that's 20 years.

You'll never get that to stick. One whiff of this... will kill you with the parole board.

Oh, you could be with us for some time.

So I think it's in everyone's interest... if you lose this game.

I can't do that. Well, you've done it before.


You had everything they ever dreamed of... and you threw it all away.


Meehan! Meehan has given it away again.

Fuck sake, Danny. I was open.

I didn't see you.

Looks like he's in a fuckin' world of his own.

Wake up, Meehan!

The ball's played to the left. Hibert picks it up... and moves forward to the edge of the 18yard box.

The defender cuts inside.

He plays it neatly to Hayter, who knocks it for Downes.

Oh, no! He's been brought down in the area.

Could be a penalty. The ref's waved play on and Oh, no, Bob. What goes through Monk's head?

Scary thought, Bob.

Yeah, I'd hate to think about what he dreams about.


It's getting a bit naughty out there, Bob.

Positively brutal. Don't know whether they're fighting or doing a tango.

No, they're definitely fighting.


Billy the Limpet, bless him. He's chasing the ball like a little terrier.

Shame he hasn't the skill to match his enthusiasm.

Shame he's fuckin' useless, Bob. Absofuckin'lutely, Bob.

Ratchett's taken out Cigs. The guards are taking no prisoners.

You get it, Bob? Whatever, Bob.

You Fucking watch it.

No, you fucking watch it, you fat bastard.

That's going a bit too far, isn't it?

He took a dive! Number seven. Violent conduct.

Off the park. It was a dive! Look!

Come on. Do one, now. Fuck off.

It's a straight red. The cons are down to ten men.

Well, it's an early bath for Raj... which is really gonna put pressure on the Mean Machine.

It's disappointing, but you can be sure it's not going to be easy out there.

That's right, Bob. They're taking full advantage of the extra man on the pitch.

Walker's through ball to Mr. Gayle, who plays it.

And Hayter. And Monk! Superb save, way down to his left.

All right! All right! 29 minutes, Bob. Still onenil.

And the cons are holding out. The Monk's gone on another walkabout!

But this time he plays it safe to Trojan out wide.

All Troj has to do is look up. Come on. Pass it.

Pass it. Pass. Pass it. Pass it.

Pass it. Pass it!

Pass the fucking ball!

Yeah! Goal!

Two-nil to the cons.

Ten men down, their liberty taken away from them... locked in a cell for 23 hours a day... and today our boys have their day.

What's up with you?

For the last hour of my life sentence...

I have been free!

Mean Machine! Mean Machine! Mean Machine! Mean Machine!

Yes!

It's the guards to kick off.

Mr. Williams lays it back for Mr. Hibert... who whips a beautiful ball into the box.

Monk's got it covered. Safe as houses.

Oh, you've gotta love the Monk. Gotta love the Monk.


What's Monk doing? He's left an empty net!

He's lost the fuckin' ball! He's lost the fuckin' plot.

Guards' goal. Twoone.

Yes!

Hey! Stop fucking about back here!

Get the ball up the park!

All right. My fault.

It's no longer just a game out there. There's a match on now.

Have a word, Dan. Fuck off, Trojan.

Come on, lads. Let's go. Come on, boys.

The cons kick off.

But what is he doing? He's given it straight away.

Oh! He's hit the bar!

You see? There's no cohesion.

There's no character, eh?

The Mean Machine really need their star player... to pick up his game now.

What is Meehan doing, anyway? It's like he's not even on the pitch.

What's up with you? I never touched you.

Looks like Danny's injured.

You're cheating now, are you? Once a loser, always a loser.

What happened? Where'd you get hit? Down there.

Doesn't look too clever, boys. I can't see anything.

Come on. Let's get him up.

All right, ref. Come on, Danny.

Don't put no weight on it. Looks like Meehan is leaving the pitch.

Lets hope they bring a sub on.

It's 11 against 9 out there. Frenchy, I've got it.

Get it fixed. Okay, Mr. Sykes. We got it.

Shove up and shut up.

The guards are really moving the ball about nicely.

Oh. Neat passing.

But the cons are determined not to give up.

There's nothing wrong with that leg, is there?

Why don't people just let me play this game?

Didn't think you'd sell us out.

Not after the big "It's your time" speech.

Is there something I should know? He's fucked something up.

Could be a strain.

It's getting tough out there. The guards are putting the pressure on.

Fuckin' hell, Massive! Help us out!

We've only got nine men on! Get a sub on!

Walker to Marsden.

Downes wide to Hibert.

Hibert clips it forward.

Walker brings it down.

The cons are swamped at the back.

Ratchett's free in the area.

Yes! Yes!

Twofuckingtwo. Good one.

Good one.

Thanks, Danny Meehan.

Come on, lads.

Twotwo. Right. Now a third. Get up there.

Ref! Sub!

Mass, look It's your life.

Ratchett just brought down Billy the Limpet.

That's like kicking a puppy dog, Bob.

Give me my boot.

Yes! Ref! Ref!

I'm coming back on. Sit the fuck down, man.

Forget it, Meehan. Who's coming on?

Me. Him.

You're playing like crap and you know it.

Will you make up your mind? Who's in charge here?

I'm in charge. I'm the manager. Danny's coming on.

Hold it! Listen, I'm the owner.

You? Yes.

The owner? Yes.

Behave. Manager's decision. You. On.

The great Danny Meehan returns to the pitch.

Yeah. That's all we fuckin' need.

If he carries on playing like he did before he went off... we may as well all go home now, Bob.

Ketch knocks it out wide to Trojan.

It's amazing. The guards are still finding it hard to deal with this man.

I'm with you here if you want! Yes, Troj!

Troj, pass it! I'm on! Pass here!

Trojan plays it into the center.

I'm free there. Yeah, well...

I didn't fucking see you, did I?

Oh, really.

Chiv! Chiv, lay off! Pass it!

Chiv, pass it! Pass

God, that was a meeting of minds. Not a pretty sight.

It looks like Danny Meehan's trying to redeem himself.

He's gonna have to do a fuck lot of work to manage that, Bob.

Danny Meehan is now everywhere. He's bobbing and weaving, Bob.

No way was that offside!

That's the way it's done, pal.

The ball's pushed high into the guards' half. Cigs pulls it down.

Shoots. Oh, it's a goal!

The Mean Machine are out in front again! There's a flag.

God bless the Mean Machine. Keep your shirt on. Something's up.

There's something going on, Bob.

The Mean Machine are celebrating. I think it's been disallowed.

The ref has gone to the linesman.

There's confusion on the pitch. There certainly is, Bob.

They're conferring. Oh, surely not!

Yeah, yeah. If this stands... it's a free kick to the guards 35 yards out from the goal.

Get up, you bloody tart!

Aah! Easy. Okay. Let's get him off.

It's in a goalscoring position if I've ever seen one, Bob.

We're in the dying seconds of the game. It's twotwo.

Lee, get changed. You're on, mate. Ref!

Mr. Ratchett, are you all right, sir?

Obviously not. All right. Take him away.

Are you gonna do absolutely nothing about that?

It's a free kick. Now take it.

How long, Ref? Just moving into injury time.

This is it. If he scores now, it's all over.

All right, Gaylie. Stick it in.

And prison warder Mr. Gayle will take it.

He curls it. Heading to the top righthand corner!


Guards of Pentonville, guards of Wandsworth Walton nick in Liverpool Policemen of Britain Traffic wardens Parole officers, wheelclampers... your boys have taken a hell of a beating today!

A hell of a beating!


Mean Machine! Mean Machine!

Mean Machine! Mean Machine! Mean Machine! Mean Machine!


Burning me head out! Burning me head out!

All down, Danny. All down there.

Danny, you're all right. Take that.

Told you I wouldn't let you down. Well done, Bill.

Ruin my life, I'm gonna fucking ruin your life.

No. You're not stitching anyone up. Not on my watch.

What are you gonna do about it? Your job, your pension My ass.

Good game.

Jesus! What was that?

Looks like your Saab. And what he said goes for me and all.

And Barry the Bookie too.

Nice one, Danny.

I want him in solitary... and I'm the governor and that's an order.

Okay? Shut up.

Stick that in your trophy cabinet.