Meatballs (1979) Script

Attention, Camp North Star, senior staff, counselors, and counselors in training,

please rise for our national anthem.


How about that anthem, huh? Gee, I don't know about you, but I just get a great big lump in my throat every time I hear it.

Well, it's 7:05 in the a.m., and it's, wow, 43 degrees on the old Camp North Star weather dial, and, well, that is kind of nippy for a June 25, isn't it?

I'm Tripper Harrison...

I'm your head counselor, and this is my wake-up show.

I'll be coming at you every morning about this time, hoping to make your summer camp experience the best available in this price range.

'Course, across the lake, over at Camp Mohawk, they won't be getting up for another hour or so, and when they do, they'll be awakened by servants bearing croissants and café au lait.

Hope I didn't hit anybody.

But over here, at Camp North Star this morning, we're gonna be having a delicious gruel breakfast, and don't forget to ask for seconds, because it's all the gruel you can eat.


Okay, everybody. Can I have your attention, please?

Okay, everybody, I'm waiting. People, settle down.

Okay. That's better.

Look it, there's a lot of new people out there this year, so before we go any further, I wanna introduce myself.

My name's Morty Melnick.

Hi, Mickey. Hi, Mickey.

My name's Morty, not Mickey.

Now, the buses are leaving tomorrow morning at 6:30 to pick up the kids, and it's very important you get your bus assignments to know which group of kids you're in charge of.

Don't argue with me, Bradley.

Now, you can get rabies from a raccoon, too.

Tell him, Morrie. That's right, Bradley.

And don't forget to put paper on the toilet seat cover, 'cause you could get a terrible infection...

Oh, you know what I meant to ask you, did you bring smokes?

Oh, no, I couldn't. I forgot.

My mom found the carton in my suitcase, she had a shit-fit.

Well, why don't we go get some? Yeah, okay.

Mommy? Mommy? Where's my mommy?

Tripper, I'm looking forward to some action this summer, I hope you and your gentlemen can supply it for me.

Well, I could supply you, but the guy you gotta watch out for is Spaz.

Spaz? He's a sex machine.

Are you kidding me?

He couldn't wake me up with a trumpet and a drum.

Well, I went out with him one night, and he got us six nurses by himself, and four of them couldn't report to work the next morning.

You gonna be okay?

Hey, I'll see you at the end of the summer, okay?

Okay.

This bus does not have a safety inspection sticker.

It's a fine old bus.

No, it's not. It is a piece of junk. I need to tell my father, and he's gonna report you to the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Roxanne!

And you're going to jail. You know? Jail? Behind bars?

Yeah, just like last year, we'll hate it.

Yeah. Camp is lousy, and you're a dork.

Yeah, yeah, you're right, you sure are one.

Hiya. Come on.

Hi. What do you want?

What, are you having trouble? I can't get these kids on the bus.

Okay. Let me talk to them. That's because I'm not going.

Come here, guys, I wanna have a word with you, all right?

No.

Okay, now you guys, look, you... What?

You better get on the bus, or... Why?

Well, because if you don't, I'm gonna beat the pants off of you.

Not bad, huh?

Hey, watch it, that stuff's expensive. Very good, sir.

Hey, Spaz, bud. How you doing, buddy?

Hey, Spaz, good to see you.

Oh, hey, give that back.

Come on, Spaz. No, we're doing you a favor.

Give it back! You wanna make us, Spaz?

Yeah. Horse, give him back the milkshake.

All right, all right. Here you go.

Hey, we'll see you at the basketball game, Spaz.

Mohawk jerks.

These children are going to the most glamorous of all summer camps, Camp Mohawk.

There's a two-year waiting list, and every child has to be voted in.

On top of all that, it costs $1,000 a week to go to Camp Mohawk.

The question is, is it worth $1,000 a week?

It sure is. It's the best darn camp there is.

Well, are you connected with Camp Mohawk?

Well, I think so, I'm the program director, Jerry Aldini.

Well, how do you justify $1,000 a week?

Well, we have some special programs.

We're doing Shakespeare in the Round again this year, of course.

Our political round table. Henry Kissinger will appear.

Yasser Arafat is gonna come out, spend a weekend with the kids, just rap with them.

That's amazing.

And the kids wanted animals, so this year, each camper will stalk and kill his own bear in our private wildlife preserve.

Are you sure the children can hack that?

We'll see. But the real excitement, of course, is gonna come at the end of the summer, during Sexual Awareness Week.

We import 200 hookers from around the world, and each camper, armed with only a Thermos of coffee and $2,000 cash, tries to visit as many countries as he can, and the winner, of course, is named King of Sexual Awareness Week, and is allowed to rape and pillage the neighboring towns until camp ends.

That's incredible.

What do you expect for $1,000 a week?

Hey, you have a good summer, too, huh?


Hey. You must be the short, depressed kid that we ordered.

Glad you made it.

Want half this?

Come on inside, Frankenstein, I'll buy you a cocktail.

Okay, all the 12-year-old girls here finally?

Gonna be a terrific year. Got a real good bunch this year.

This ground is too slippery. I could fall and get whiplash or a broken neck.

You know, those are serious injuries. A guy could die...

Phil? He's all yours. Thanks, Tripper. You Rudy Gerner?

Hi, I'm Phil. You're in my cabin, okay?

Gotta get this... Hi, Morty.

Hi, Trip. You got the rules? No, I'm looking for a copy.

Okay, here you go.

Very important, all your CITs have gotta know those inside out, backwards, forward, whatever you want.

Post them up, make sure they know them. Very important.

Hey, Larry.

Larry! What?

I think that chick over there is staring at me.

Which chick? Where? Over there.

Hey, she is staring at you.

You better go over and talk to her. She probably wants it.

What's cooking, good looking? Your fly's undone.

Renzetti, come here. Hey, Fink, come on. Off your knees.

Hey, Spaz, I was watching you.

Looked like you had a chance there for a second.

Thanks, Trip.

My man, my main man. Hey, Tripper.

Hey, boy. Eyes right, gentlemen.

Hey. Hey, are these free?

Hi, everybody. Hi. Hi, Mary.

Fine. Just right, left, right, left. Jeez, that's right.

All right, these are the camp rules.

Morty would like you all to take a look at these.

They'll be in here, if you wanna check these out a little bit later.

And now, gentlemen, and you are, I'm gonna take you over to your cabin assignments for the first week.

Let's go.

All right, this is the six-year-old cabin.

All they know how to do is eat and wet their beds.

You have to teach them everything else. Crockett, take it.

No, no, Trip. I don't want it. No six-year-olds.

Oh, come on, Trip, I don't wanna...

That's my man. Good luck.

Put the comic book away, and get your shirt.

Take the shirt by the shoulders. One, fold sleevie. Two, fold sleevie.

Presto. It's done. How's this?

How's this, Mike? That's not bad.

Listen, why don't we just have a nap, and we'll come back later and try it, okay?

No, forget it. No.

Come on, guys. Do I have to count to three?

One, two... Two's good enough.

Come on, Steve.

Hey, what's that?

It's Ernie, my pet frog. He's a jumper.

How come he doesn't hop? He's tired, I guess.

No, he's dead. No, he's sleeping.

For sure, he's dead.

Mister, could you help me wake up my frog?

He looks tired. Why don't we just let him sleep a little longer, okay?

Yeah. Okay.

Take that nap now, all right? And I'II... I'll take care of the frog.

All right, this is the 14-year-old girls' cabin.

They've got the drive and the equipment, but they don't have the experience. Right.

They'd better not get it from you guys. Not this summer, anyway, huh?

Roxanne. Just the person I wanted to see.

Later, Tripper. Say, Christmas?

A.L., that's your cabin. You got the jailbait. Watch them.

Women. Thanks.

See you later.

Roxanne, I want you to know that I'm very deeply hurt, and I mean that sincerely.

Glad to hear it. Excuse me.

Hi, Larry.

Hi, Spaz.

Spaz!

Hey, guess what, guys? Liza finally got her period.

Liza. Liza.

You don't have to advertise it. But they gotta know.

Hey, Liza you better watch it, 'cause now you can get pregnant.

Yeah, I heard about this girl, and she got pregnant without doing it with anyone.

What do you mean? You can't get pregnant without doing it.

No, stupid. She didn't do it, she almost did it.

My God.

Hi, guys. I got your cabin this week. Hi, A.L.

Hey.

Go on. Ask her, ask A.L. Ask me what?

A.L., can a girl get pregnant if she almost does it with a guy?

Almost? I don't think so, no.

That's a relief.

Okay, Spazalopolous, you're in here with Phil and the 12-year-olds.

This here is Rudy.

Hi, Rudy. Hey, Rudy. How's it going?

Gotta watch out for this guy, he's done time for car theft.

Oh, yeah? My kind of guy there, Rudy.

He could be a bad influence on the other children.

Watch it. We'll see you guys at dinner.

Okay. Watch out for the ear, Rudy. Look out!

See you later, Spaz.

Bye-bye, guys. Bye, Spaz.

Not bad. Over the head.

Hi, guys. I'm Spaz.

I'm your CIT this week. I wanna introduce you...

Hey, look, it's Spaz! It's Spaz!

I wanna introduce you to a new guy in the cabin, that...

Hey, bozo, this is my bunk, so shove off.

Settle down. Settle down, okay. Hey, come on, guys. Settle down.

Okay, let's see, everything's put away. That's good.

Everybody has a bunk. That's good.

Everybody's settled in. That's good.

And everybody's been deloused and fingerprinted. That's good.

Phil, look, it's the first day of camp, and we're bored already.

What are we gonna do, huh?

Relax, Peter, relax.

Okay, you guys, after lunch we got a big game with cabin B-11, and I really wanna win it, okay? So, what do you say?

We're gonna kill them! We're gonna kill them!

Gonna what?

We're gonna kill them! We're gonna kill them!

I can't hear you.

We're gonna kill them! We're gonna kill them!

We're gonna kill them!

Attention all campers, afternoon swim schedule is as follows:

Advanced dolphins will report to the dock for survival swimming and IQ testing.

All senior silverfish, meet on the beach for nude sunbathing.

Junior salmon, trout and herring, report to the nearest delicatessen, and six-year-old tadpoles, report to the swamp.

And all lobsters, get out of here, you're a menace!

David says that it's very... Hi, girls.

I'm really looking forward to working with all of you this summer.

I just hope there's enough of me to go around.

Lance, please. We're eating.

Oh, crap!

Why do I have to stack the dishes again?

I don't have the energy. I'm weak. I'm weak from hunger.

Fink. Less flak, more stack.

Gossip! Gossip! We want gossip!

Gossip! Gossip! We want gossip!

Gossip! Gossip! We want gossip!

Okay. Okay, we have a gossip update. This is the news.

It seems as though last summer's hottest couple have split.

I can't tell you their names, but her initials are A.L., and he's the hottest CIT on wheels.

We all know they spent most of last summer in the bushes, but the question is, will true love bloom again?

And speaking of CITs, there's a certain girl named Wendy who's giving all the guys wet dreams.

Okay, Jody, thank you very much.

Everybody, when you're finished stacking, all the cabins can go to their other activities.

Okay, you guys, let's play ball, okay? Let's go!

Let's move. We gotta get back to the cabin for rest period.

If I'd wanted to rest, I would have stayed in Cleveland.

You and Trip are playing defense. Get your shirts off.

Hey, all right! What do you say? We're defense, buddy.

Okay, you guys. Come on, let's go. We can win this game, all right. Come on.

Hardware, you're doomed. Come on, you guys.

Come on. Come on, people. Down here. Come on.

Come on, you guys, let's kill them.

Come on, Rudy, get it back the other way.

Yeah!

Do we have to have this guy on our team?

Do we gotta have Gerner on our team? He's totally useless.

He sucks! He's terrible.

I know, I know. Okay, come on, you guys. Let's regroup...


Yeah, could I have some fries, please?

Hey, Gerner. How's it going?

This is the best damn food in the whole Two Pines area.

I'm not surprised you found this place.

I had you pegged for a gourmet first time I met you.

You know, that's a smart move, bringing a suitcase.

You don't wanna be leaving a lot of valuable socks and underwear around camp, where people can rustle around in them when you're out on the town.

Thank you.

You like ketchup?

I'm going away.

You going to Vegas?

If you're going to Vegas, man, I would be up for it, because I love that town. I'm a party guy, I love that town.

I don't think they want me around.

What, are you talking about the soccer-heads back there?

Well, that's life in the fast-paced, slam-bang, live-on-the-razor's edge, laugh-in-the-face-of-death world of junior league soccer.

I'm serious. I never played the game before. I tried to tell them.

What? You tried to tell...

And they...

Who was it? I'll get them. I'll get them with this Swiss Army knife.

The Swiss trained me to kill, and I will do it.

I will grab these guys by the neck, take the toothpick, and stick it right in between their teeth.

And then I'll slap them around the head a couple of times.

They'll go out for just a couple of seconds, they'll be unconscious, and while they're doing that, I'll go for the corkscrew.

And I'll grab them, and I'll take that corkscrew, and I will stick it right into the voice box.

I will twist that mofo, I will twist it into his voice box, and rip that thing, rip it out, and he'll talk like this for the rest of his life.

I don't wanna hurt anyone. I just want them to like me.

Why?

If you make one good friend a summer, then you're doing pretty well.

Look, if you have trouble, come to me, tell me, and I'll help you.

What's that? What is that? Is that yes or no?

Yes is like this, and no is just twisting, twisting, twisting. Okay?

Well, it was yes. It was this one?

Definitely? Yes, one of those.

You're positive it wasn't a side-to-side one?

No, it wasn't one of those.

'Cause you could hurt your neck doing that. Okay...

Have you got wheels? 'Cause I need a lift back to camp.

My folks won't let me drive 'cause they caught me drinking, they just don't let me out of the house any more, 'cause I'm a jerk, they said.

They're gonna send me to military school.

You forgot something, Rudy.

Thanks for the fries.

Jesus!

Christ, Hardware. You animal. What are you doing?

I can't handle it. You mook, why don't you warn me when you're gonna play with your dynamite?

What are you doing, Hardware?

I'm hooking up this heavy-duty outlet here for our new air conditioner.

An air conditioner? That's great. That's right.

Well, where is it? Morty's office. He loves the heat.

Okay.

An air conditioner just doesn't get up and walk away.

Any idea where it might be, Tripper? I have no idea.

Maybe it was stolen, Morty. Of course, it was stolen, but I'm gonna find it.

Will you two go over the schedules, please?

Okay, ready?

Monday, Wednesday and Friday, 2:00 to 4:00 p.m., junior boys and junior girls.

Tuesday and Thursday, 2:00 to 4:00 p.m., junior boys.

Thursday and Friday, 4:00 to 5:00...

Roxanne. What?

I have to tell you this as a friend. I can see right down your blouse.

I can see everything, too.

Tripper, is there something seriously wrong with you?

Roxanne, I have what doctors call "very active glands".

You're the only person I've told, my folks don't even know.

Well, maybe you can have surgery without them knowing.

Heck with surgery. Let's wrestle. No, let's not, okay, Tripper? No...

The atomic skull crusher.

Let's not do this. Okay, Tripper? Let's just stop right now. Okay? Okay?

Dip lock. What? Tripper, no.

Shark-infested waters! No, don't do that, Tripper. No. No.

Tripper!

Let's stop now, okay? No, huh? Let's...

I'm sorry about that blouse thing, but somebody had to tell you.

Tripper, get off of me right now, or I start screaming.

Oh, at the count of three, I guess, huh? One, two...

Help! Help!

Help!

Help me! No, please.

Somebody, help! Let me get off.

Get off me! Morty!

What the hell's going on here? Oh, Morty!

Morty. Morty. Morty.

She attacked me.

Give me a break, Harrison, will you? She came at me like an animal.

Would you get a hold of yourself?

It's great. You can't even see it from outside, because of the bushes.

Okay, this is it.

This is it. Now, in five seconds, we're talking five, we are gonna have the coolest cabin in camp.

All right. Sweet.

Yes, sir. Thank you, Mickey. Yes!

All right, let's do it. Let's do it. You ready?

Are you ready? I'm ready.

All right.

Five, four, three, two, one. Do it!

Hardware? Yeah, Crockett.

You're a dick.


Okay, pit stop. Change the tires.

Not bad.

You got pretty good form. It's real good, Rudy.

Really?

Yeah. Well, you know, it's your first time out.

It's okay.

You wanna get into shape, though, you gotta come out every morning with me. I'll make you into an animal.

Top physical condition, you gotta pay the price.

Okay. Okay.

Attention campers.

Remember, this is killer bee season in the North Woods, so don't provoke any flying yellow things, you're just asking for trouble.

Hey, Crockett, I told Candace I was gonna christen my boat, "The Candace", and she just about had a heart attack.

I don't think she knew how much in love we really were.

Hey, Crockett, can you help me a sec? Sure, Candace.

Hurry up, come on.

What are you doing?

Crockett, this is the first time I've ever kidnapped a guy.

No kidding, huh? You'll be released unharmed.

I just want you long enough to tell you that I'm really attracted to you.

Yeah? Yeah!

I think I'm special, too.

Hell, you're the only one in this camp that I really wanna spend time with!

Really? Yeah!

Well, what about Lance Cashman then?

Lance Cashman? Yeah, Lance.

Lance Cashman is a total jerk-off!

All right! She likes me! She likes me!

"Jerk-off"? I don't jerk off.

I don't know how to do this. Just throw it up in the air, and hit it.

I'm sorry. I... Why don't we serve?

Yeah...

Did you see the way she handed you the racket? She wants it.

You guys ready? Here it comes.

I got it. It's mine! Get it, get it!

Come on, lob it! Lob it! Try...

I got it! I got it. I got it. I got...

I thought you said you had it, meatball. Well, then, you serve, then.

Ready?

I got it, I got it, I got it! I'm gonna get it!

Attention. Here's an update on tonight's dinner.

It was veal. I repeat, veal.

The winner of tonight's mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin, who guessed "some kind of beef".

Congratulations, Jeffrey. You just won a brand new Chrysler Cordoba, and you can pick it up at Morty's office.

You bet.

Five.

I'll see that five.

Want a card? No.

I'll take one. Eight.

15.

18. I'll stick.

20.

You shark! You're playing some sort of system, aren't you?

You've been watching the cards, marking the cards.

From the diaphragm. Let's see.

Oh, really? Really?

From the diaphragm.

That's not from the diaphragm. Ante up.

What do you do in the off season? Go to school.

20.

20? What are you, some sort of madman?

Is that what they teach you in that school of yours, 20?

I'll see your 20.

I hope you walk out of here with nothing.

I think I like history the most.

It's fun to imagine that I'm in some other time, in a different place.

Shut up and look at your cards.

Blackjack.

19.

21.

I've had it. That's it.

Card monster. Get out!

I think you're pretty tired. I think you ought to go home and go to sleep.

This was great. Well, yeah, this was great.

You're the guy walking home with all the peanuts.

If I were walking home with the peanuts, it'd be incredible, it'd be sensational.

Are you going to bed?

No, I've called an organizational meeting of the CITs for a little bit later this evening.

No midgets allowed. Sorry.

Well, enough of this playing for peanuts.

Tomorrow night we play for real stakes, zucchini.

Children starving in India, and you're walking around with a whole sombrero full of peanuts.

I hope you sleep well.

Night, Tripper.

Attention all campers.

It's now 9:30, and that's lights-out time, 9:30, as you know.

Tomorrow is Parents Day, and you must look rested, or Morty will be sent to the state penitentiary.

What are you doing? Shut the light!

Get up! Come on.

What is this, breakfast? Hardware, get up! Up, up!

Who's the puppy?

What? What?

All right, gentlemen, big event.

Operation Late Night Excitement. Another panty raid, Trip?

No questions, dog face!

Dress up and move out!


Tie him up.

Don't wake him. Tie him gently, now. He needs his sleep.

On your guard.

Prepare to raise the casket.

Won't fit, Trip.

Spin him.

Company, rotate.

Right face. Right face.


Morning, Mr. Melnick.

Hey, Mickey! Hello, Mickey!

Hey, Mickey!

Hi, Mickey! Hey, Mickey!

Sleepy? Hello, Mr. Melnick.

Morning, Melnick.

Lots of room, lots of room. Looks fine, Dad. Looks good, Dad. Come on.

Am I okay? Come on. Looks fine, Dad.

Sorry, Dad.

Yo.

You don't have to run with me today, I know you got things to do.

No, I'd rather run, it takes my mind off sex.

Is your dad coming up today? He can't.

Mine can't either, he's gotta mow the lawn.

Mind hanging out with me today?

No. Okay.


Hey, you got any kids in your family? No.

Did you ever do any time? Prison? No.

You know to hotwire a car? Not yet, no.

Well, you'll learn in class.

Did you read in the paper today about the Polish terrorist?

No. Yeah. A tragedy.

They sent this guy to blow up a car, and the guy burns his mouth on the tailpipe.

That's an old one. You'll get that a lot up here.

Rattlesnake! Look out.

All right, quiet.

"She turned her head from side to side against the dank jungle floor."

Hey, relax.

"In the distance, the ocean undulated with increasing fervor."

I can hear them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This book is really disgusting. Well, it sounds great to me.

I don't believe this.

"She could no longer contain the plea."

Oh, my God.

You little hunk of honey bunch.

"Take me.

"Make me a woman.

"She realized she was uttering sounds from deep within herself, "noises unlike any she had ever made."

Larry. Shut up, shut up, okay? Shut up.

"...the hungry personification of passion and pain.

"Closer and closer the stranger came towards the entangled pair."

I'm getting a boner. What?

I said I'm getting a boner. Will you...

"...haunting."

Wait a minute. What is it?

I think I hear something.

Okay, let's go check it out.

Quiet.

They can hear us.

I don't hear anything...

I'm getting out of here. I'll bet you they heard us.

Get out of here, get out of here. Okay.

All right, go on. Get up, get up.

Spaz, I'm stuck.

I'm having trouble. Come on, Spaz, help me. I'm having trouble!

Spaz, what are you doing?

Spaz, you're ripping my face off!

What are you doing? Spaz. Spaz. Spaz!

Spaz!

What are you, a homo, or what?

Spaz! Spaz! Spaz!

Attention. Bus for the Camp Mohawk basketball game leaving in 15 minutes, and there is a very fat pair of pants hanging on the flagpole this morning.

See you at Camp Mohawk, Morty.

One, two, three.

Camp Mohawk! Camp Mohawk!

Death, injury, blood and brains! Death, injury, blood and brains!

Mohawk, Mohawk, win again! Mohawk, Mohawk, win again!

Death, injury, blood and brains! Death, injury, blood and brains!

Mohawk, Mohawk, win again! Mohawk, Mohawk, win again!

Look out, Mohawk, we'll come through! Look out, Mohawk, we'll come through!

Look out, Mohawk, we'll come through! Look out, Mohawk, we'll come through!

I don't know, Trip, those Mohawks look better than last year.

Guys, it's important for us to hustle at both ends of the court.

We gotta make the offense work. We gotta play that big tough D.

We gotta contain their big men inside. We gotta crash the boards on offense.

We can't give them the baseline at any price.

But more important than the score of this game, is to score at the big social at our place tonight.

So, I want you guys to go out there and protect your balls at any cost.

All right. You can count on it.

Bruce Lee, patron of self-defense, pray for us. Pray for us!

Let's go. All right.

All right. Hey, hey, let's go!

Go get them, guys. Excuse me. Thank you.

Let's go, Spaz. Do it, Spaz.

Gary, take it. Aw, Spaz!

Sorry, guys. Sink it over here.

All right, this is how it's done. This is how it's done.

Oh, looks good, Hardware. Looks good.

All right. Let's clean up.

Try again. Try another one. Hey. Take it. Come on.

You know, our guys don't look so good. They're not.

Death, injury, blood and brains! Death, injury, blood and brains!

Mohawks, Mohawks, win again! Mohawks, Mohawks, win again!

Go, North Star, go! Go, North Star, go!

Son of a gun, son of a gun!

Go, North Star, go! Go, North Star, go!

Hey, Wheels, you're going home in an ambulance.

Nice shirt, Crockett. Thanks.

All right, guys. Thanks. Mook.

Let's go, let's go. Come on, let's play some basketball here.

Come on. Here we go.

Go, North Star, go! Go, North Star, go!

Hey, nice going, Mohawks, nice going.

Assholes.

Am I all right? That was a great try, buddy.

Oh, yeah. I think we're in big trouble.

That Crockett's really cute.

Yeah, but he can't play basketball worth a shit.

Go, North Star, go.

There are five guys. They play offense and defense, but they play at different ends of the court, and they switch sides at half-time.

Wheels!

Hardware!

You all right? Yeah.

Help me, Spaz, come on.

Take it easy, easy. Come on.

Now you know why they call that guy Rhino.

Oh, my God, his nose is bleeding. It's gonna get even bigger now.

Jackie.

Come here. You okay? Yeah.

Hardware Renzetti, girls. It's just a nosebleed.

Looks like he's gonna be at the big social tonight.

He'll be there.

It really doesn't look any worse, really.

Really? Go out there and kill 'em.

All right. Fazul!

Come on! Hardware!

Go, North Star, go! Go, North Star, go!

Go, North Star, go! Go, North Star, go!

Go, North Star, go! Go, North Star, go!

Hey, Larry, you scored!

Way to go! Okay, you guys, feed Fink, he's our hot man.

All right, there!

Okay, cover me!

Come on, let's go! Let's go! Let's kill 'em!

Come on, guys. That's it. Oh, sure.

Hey, Larry! Larry, again. Do it again, Larry!

It's all right, it's okay! It's all right, it's okay!

We can beat 'em anyway! We can beat 'em anyway!

It's all right, it's okay! It's all right, it's okay!

We can beat 'em anyway! We can beat 'em anyway!

Okay, the zone's not working.

They're a little bit too good to cover man to man, and we can't shoot for shit.

What kind of talk is that for a coach, huh?

Yeah, Trip. Look, I'm not gonna lie to you guys.

There's no way we're gonna beat this team.

What are we gonna do, Trip? We're gonna lose.

What?

But we can lose with some self-respect. And here's the idea.

Go, North Star, go! Go, North Star, go!

Go, North Star, go! Go, North Star, go!

Morty, nice team spirit.

I'll talk to you after the game, Tripper.

How we doing? Late as usual, Morty.

Where were you, young man?

Okay, you guys, a little teamwork, now.

Yeah!

Beautiful.

Spaz! Get in. Spaz, hurry up!

This is the proudest moment in North Star history!


Forget it, Spaz. They all want me.

You know, Candace is sure looking good tonight.

So he offered me 200 bucks to run the sailing program.

I said, "Forget it!" I mean, 200 bucks doesn't even buy me a pair of shoes.

I mean, I'm the best.

Now the serious partying can begin.

Okay. Hey.

Okay! Virgins on the right, non-virgins on the left.

You fellows can divide them up any way you like.

I got the virgins this time, you had them last time.

Okay, you got them, but I get them next time.

Okay, buddy. Let's go. There's two right there.

Come on.

Hi, Roxanne. Hi, Morty.

Really groovy tunes, eh?

Hi, Jackie. Hi, Wendy.

There's Jackie. Why don't you go ask her to dance?

No, that Wendy's driving me wild. Yeah, but Jackie wants it.

I have to talk with Roxanne about a highly personal matter about one of the campers.

Will you excuse us for a second?

Yeah, well, I was... Yeah.

Is that a bra you're wearing, or are you expecting an assassination attempt?

Are those Clorets in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Okay. We're even. Three years of this.

I don't think I have many lines left. Frankly, Roxanne, I'm frightened.

Oh, don't go human on me now, Trip.

I really like to dance.

It's the music, I guess. It starts my feet tapping and I get all happy inside.

I guess it's just something I was born with.

Kind of a birth defect, huh?

Let's go get some air. I think not.

Well, I'm trying.

So, keep trying.

I gotta go change the record.

You can change the record, but don't you change. Promise me?

I'll be waiting right here. Hurry! Rush, darling! Rush, darling.


You know something, A. L? What?

This is a very serious moment. It is?

Don't you know what tonight is?

Tonight's our third anniversary.

Three years ago, tonight, we met. Oh, that is serious.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. I forgot.

Happy anniversary.

You know, Wheels, for a jerk, you're really a nice guy.

Well.

Come on, let's dance. Oh, no.

Come on! No, I don't know how.

One, two, three. Simple as that. Come on, let's dance.

I'll lead, you follow.

Attention, campers.

Arts and crafts has been canceled due to bad taste.

All junior girls are now junior boys.

And Nurse Omako says that the raccoon fever epidemic is officially over.

Hey, you on the water skis!

I saw you dancing with Roxanne. Oh, yeah?

Well, she sort of cornered me, and there was nothing I could do without embarrassing her.

Do you like her?

Well, I feel sorry for her, you know? She's got a glass eye.

And I'm one of the few people who knows exactly which eye to look at when they're talking to her, so she's sort of fixated on me.

Well, I like her.

Well, you're not exactly known for your taste.

I'll probably just use her for the rest of the summer, and then throw her on the scrap heap with all the rest of the women that I've destroyed.

I have to go on this overnight.

I'm taking the CITs on an overnight for the next couple of days, so you're gonna have to do your own training, son.

I want you to run two miles today, and two and a half tomorrow.

I've never run that far.

Neither have I, but somebody's gotta do it.

I can't be expected to do it. Somebody's gotta do it, and it can't be me, because I'm too busy.

I have responsibilities.

I'm the entertainment director for the overnight.

Come here.

Somebody's gotta make these PA announcements for me while I'm gone.

Wake up. Lights out. Public Service.

Otherwise, I'm gonna get in a lot of trouble.

No. So, I'd appreciate it if you could help me out on this... No, Trip, I don't wanna do the announcement. No... Wear... ...and accept this nomination.

Trip. Okay, now, all you have to do is turn on this power switch here.

Everything will be hunky-dory, okay? No, Trip, I don't wanna do the announcements. Come on...

And you can start by telling all the CITs to meet me down at the boat dock immediamente.

I'll see you in a couple days.

Hey, remember, run two miles, then two and a half, and then run three or four if I don't come back, all right?

Problem? We don't have steering problems, we've got manpower problems.

You're going too fast, Trip, slow down.

Oh, no, don't.

Okay, Finkel. What?

Paddle! Hey, you're splashing me!

Paddle!

Nice and even backstroke, Hardware. Yes, sir.

Spaz, keep us in the sun. I wanna even out my tan.

Look at that! Got it?

Spaz! Hey, Spaz!

You love me, baby But I love you and you love me So let's just walla walla Six to eight hours a day Down by the mango tree Dang it, you, dang it, you Dang it, you said I love you If you love me Come on, you know the words, Rocky!

I love me, so let's walla walla Down by the mango tree

And I love you, if you love me But you love you, and I love me So let's walla walla Down by the mango tree Let's walla walla Down by the mango tree

Have you kissed many guys?

Does family count? No, like, I meant real guys.

Well, two. Only, one was a real creep.

How did the creep do it?

Spaz, what do you mean, how did he do it?

No, like, I mean, did he ask you, or did he just do it?

He just did it.

It's a weird moon.

The moon kills, you know.

It feeds off the earth.

On a night like this, one of us could get up in the middle of the night, grab an ax, and cut somebody's head off.

I remember a night like this a few years ago.

A guy and a girl went out driving, it was one of their first dates.

It started out kind of casual, but they ended up deciding to go park, not too far from here, as a matter of fact.

While they're going at it, listening to the radio, all of a sudden, a news bulletin broke in.

"A dangerous lunatic has escaped

"from the hospital for the criminally insane at Two Pines."

Oh, come on, Trip.

They described him as a monster, six-and-a-half-feet tall, 260 pounds, with one horrible distinguishing feature, a sharpened stainless-steel hook where his right hand used to be.

That was enough for the guy.

He slammed the car into gear, floored it, bounced off a tree, didn't stop till they got to the girl's house.

Got out of his side, walked around to hers.

There, hanging in the door, covered with blood, was a stainless-steel hook. Oh!

The strangest part, is that after all these years, after the biggest manhunt in Two Pines' history, they never found the killer.

Some people say he's still up here in the woods, waiting for the chance to kill again.

And I say...

I say they're right!

Hey, my dinner! Hey, listen, that's a bullshit story.

No, you guys, it's true. I heard it before.

Yeah. Only, I heard it was on a beach.

Yeah. Yeah, well...

No, I heard it happened in a park.

Oh, I heard it, but the guy was missing a foot.

How could the guy have a hook on his foot?

Now, that was nice, Tripper. Thank you.

Thank you, very much.

I think I am lying on some sort of animal, like a porcupine.

Just a broken beer bottle. Oh.

I was wondering what you were yelling about.

Where are you going? I'm going swimming.

The water's great! Come on in. No!

You're not supposed to swim for half an hour after close physical contact, you get bad cramps. Come on, chicken, it's not so cold.

No, I know you're lying. Come on.

All right.

It's not so bad, is it? Worse than I ever imagined!

Come here, there's a real cold spot.

I've heard of the buddy system, but this is ridiculous.

Tripper, you really talk too much.

Well, I was just wondering if these were shark-infested waters.

Shut up.

Hey, there is a shark down there. My God, there is.

I think we'd better go back to my sleeping bag before something goes wrong.

What happened? Where were you?

I was with Jackie in the woods. In the woods?

Right where you want her. Yes.

Oh, Spaz! You old make-out master! How far did you get?

Oh, we just went down to Lookout Point, and then we got cold...

No, no, no, no! How did you make out?

Well, you know, we just kind of talked.

You had her in the woods, and you just talked?

No, no, well... You didn't do anything.

We were sort of sitting... You didn't do anything!

I...

I held her hand when we walked home. Held her hand?

Spaz, you're on your way!

That's great! Yeah? Yeah?

Held her hand? Yeah.

In the woods? Yeah.

And it was dark? Yeah.

Wow!

Let's celebrate. Huh? Right.

Here, help yourself.

I think I'll have Cheezies. The Cheezies?

Yeah. I'll have Cheezies, too.

Bobby? Oh, no.

Oh, no, don't ever call me Bobby. All right?

I mean, my grandmother calls me Bobby. I hate it.

So, I like it when you call me Crockett.

Okay. All right?

Wanna hear me say it? Yeah, okay.

Okay. Crockett.

Crockett.

Crockett.


Going in. Yes, you are. No, no, no, no!

Looking good. All right!

Important announcement!

Some hunters have been seen in the woods near Piney Ridge Trail, and the Fish and Game Commission has raised the legal kill limit on campers to three!

So, if you're hiking today, please wear something bright, and keep low.

Good luck.

What's the matter with you?

You're pacing like an expectant father with the clap.

The Olympiad's tomorrow. So?

I wanna do well. You wanna do well?

Bet every dime you got on Camp Mohawk.

I don't wanna mess up again.

Well, let's see what you're entered in.

Gerner, Gerner, Gerner.

The potato race.

Damn it, don't they know you're just a kid?

Two years ago, a boy fell on a potato, mashed himself.

Let's see what else you're in. Egg toss!

Oh, no.

Probably, the most punishing of all food-related sports.

I'm good at that one. Sure, you got the build for it.

Oh, don't worry.

You won't screw up tomorrow, no worse than anybody else, anyway.

Are you gonna go and see Roxanne after Morty's rally?

Could be.

After the way she treated me on the overnight, I'm a little afraid to be alone with her, and I think you know what I mean.

I think you like her.

Really. Admit it. You really do like her, don't you?

Yes, you do. Come on, admit it. You like her.

Ah, you like her. You won't admit it.

You pig!

Hi. I'm Morty Melnick.

Hi, Mickey! Hi, Mickey!

And we at Camp North Star, would like to welcome our Camp Mohawk competitors...

Camp North Star sucks! Camp North Star sucks!

Let me at 'em, let me at 'em, let me at 'em!

Quiet down, quiet down.

To our annual two-day Olympiad.

So, let the games begin!


Uh-oh.

You got any last-minute advice, Trip?

Yeah, try to jump very, very high.

Hey, yeah. Thanks.

Good luck.

Well, we're getting creamed all over the place.

I'm your guy.

Come on, jump! Over!

Hey, are you okay?

Get into it! Come on, do it!

Just let me know when you've had enough, all right?

You're out!

All right! Come on, Jackie!

Come on!

Go, go, go!

Watch out, Jackie! No, don't!

Oh, my God!

She's hurt. Hey, get the stretcher from the infirmary.

I think her leg's broken.

Hey, gang, come on. Look it, just 'cause we're losing, doesn't mean it's all over.

Cut the crap, Morty.

I mean, the Mohawks have beaten us the last 12 years, they're gonna beat us again.

That's just the attitude we don't need, Phil.

Sure. Mohawk has beaten us 12 years in a row.

Sure, they're terrific athletes.

They've got the best equipment that money can buy.

Hell, every team they're sending over here has their own personal masseuse.

Not masseur, masseuse.

But it doesn't matter.

Do you know that every Mohawk competitor has an electrocardiogram, blood and urine tests every 48 hours, to see if there's any change in his physical condition?

Do you know that they use the most sophisticated training methods from the Soviet Union, East and West Germany, and the newest Olympic power, Trinidad and Tobago?

But it doesn't matter.

It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!

I tell you, it just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!

It just doesn't matter!

It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!

It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!

And even... And even if we win, if we win!

Even if we win, even if we play so far over our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days, even if God in heaven above comes down and points his hand at our side of the field, even if every man, woman, and child held hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn't matter, because all the really good-Iooking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk, 'cause they got all the money!

It just doesn't matter if we win or we lose!

It just doesn't matter.

It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!

It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!


Starters, take your mark.

Come on! Come on!


Okay, you guys. We got two outs, it's the bottom of the ninth.

Carla is our winning run on second base.

What do you think we ought to do, Trip?

Well, Jody, I don't wanna put any more pressure on you than is absolutely necessary, but there is a scout here today from the New York Yankees organization, and if my ball club could win, well, I would get a chance to coach at the professional level.

Seriously, Jody. You see that girl out there with the big boobs?

Hit the ball to her, she can't catch. No sweat.

All right. Well, let's go. Come on, Jody.

All right, Jody!

Double time, double time!


Come on, Wheels!

Go!

God, you're a pitstink.

Watch it, watch it.

One, two, three!

How could they do this to me? I can't stack. I can't even walk.

Come off it, Spaz. You can so. I've seen you walk.

Anyway, you can do anything you want to, if you want to bad enough.

Besides, I know you can.

Come on.

Spaz! Spaz! Spaz! Spaz! Spaz! Spaz!

Stackers get ready!

Spaz! Spaz! Spaz! Spaz! Spaz! Spaz!

Get set!

Spaz! Spaz! Spaz! Spaz! Spaz! Spaz!


Spaz!

You did it! I told you!

That's right, Fink. Look at those steaming weenies.

And you know what they're saying, Larry?

They're saying, "This is the year that Fink beats The Stomach."

No. It's a couple of guys over here, but they're saying it.

No! Save it.

Save it for this guy.


What, no mustard? Okay, hands up.

You guys know the rules. You got five minutes.

Half-eaten weenies don't count. May the best man win. Ready, set...

You gotta want it, Fink!

Come on, give a hundred percent for us! Come on!

Come on, you gotta want it, Larry. You gotta want it. This is your year.

You gotta want it, Larry.

Every day I'm eating more and more hot dogs.

Come on, pace. Pace, baby. Left. Swallow.

Right. Swallow. Fight hard, Larry! You gotta want it!

The Stomach's worried, Larry. He doesn't want it bad enough.

Come on, Fink! This is weenie war! Eat!

Come on, stretch that stomach, Fink!

Come on, eat, Fink, eat! Eat!

Please! Please, Fink, please!

Larry! Larry! Come on! Eat, Fink!

Eat!

The winner!

Way to go, Fink. You beat The Stomach, Larry.

All right, now, we're close, and we could win this thing, so let's get serious. Damn right.

Now, there's only one event left, it's a four-mile marathon, it's worth 20 points.

Unfortunately, our best distance runner, Jackie, broke her ankle.

You jerk.

So, we need a distance man. Any ideas?

You, buddy. Oh, don't look at me.

I'd be puking after the first mile.

Well, somebody's gotta do it. Finkelstein's your man, sir.

Larry Finkelstein. Yeah!

Here's your man. Come on, Tripper. No!

Where? Right here. Rudy Gerner.

Please don't.

He's the best we got. Get serious.

I mean, no offense, Tripper, but that kid can't even catch a football.

Well, for your information, Phillip, Rudy is a three-time Junior State Long-Distance Medal Award Winner.

Bullshit! And he won a presidential citation from his Committee on Physical Fitness.

He's lying to me. I know it, he's lying. Come on.

I can't do it, Tripper. Yeah, you can. Believe me.

Morty, give him a chance. No one else wants to...

Come on, Morty! Make up your mind!

Yeah, come on, Morty, for once make a decision.

All right! Gerner runs the marathon.

What do you think our chances are?

I hope I don't let you down, Tripper. You won't.

Let's go get laid before the race, huh?

How's the leg? It's okay.

Yeah, for now, but if you don't win, we cut it off.

Okay, here's the thing.

On open ground, this guy could probably take you, but you're running through the woods, you got a chance.

You're smaller, and you can run through the bushes a little faster.

You can duck underneath them, you know, you're like a little rabbit.

Okay? You're Rudy Rabbit, okay?

When you're running, think, "I'm Rudy the Rabbit", okay?

Stay with him, stay right behind him, until you get to the woods.

When you get to the woods, pass him, just fly by him.

Don't even look in the rear-view mirror. Just move, move, move!

You gotta be way ahead of him when you get to the edge of the woods, 'cause when you get out, there's a half a mile of open ground, and that's where you're gonna have a lot of trouble.

You gotta have a hell of a lead when you get out of the woods, okay?

All right, what's your name?

Rudy Gerner. No, it's not.

It's Rudy the Rabbit, okay? Rudy the Rabbit!

What's your name? Rudy the Rabbit.

Rudy the Rabbit, the winner. You're the winner, Rudy the Rabbit.

Let's hear it for him.

All right, come on.

Runners take your mark!

Get set!

Run, you rascal rabbit! Run!


My God, he's sprinting!


Bye-bye, Rudy. You did real good. Thanks.

You coming back next year? Yeah, for sure.

Well, stay in shape. Get on a weight program.

Stop hanging around with all those friends of yours, they're a bad influence.

Thanks, Tripper, for everything.

Goodbye, champ.

Go to bed! Yeah.

Hey, look! There's Gerner!

You wanna go to the final campfire? All right.

If I have to.

Hey, Tripper. Hey, you guys.

Hey, Trip.

Hi.

Eddy.

I just wanna say thank you.

You've all been a really terrific bunch of CITs, and we've had... All had a terrific summer, except for a few minor incidents that I don't wanna go into right now.

But, through it all, we share things, and we become closer, and that even makes it harder to say goodbye, but I hope you've learned a lot of things, I know I have, and I... I just wanna say, I hope to see you all again next summer.

Can I have some applause for this man, please?

All right! Come on!

Hey! Way to go, Mickey!

Let's hear it for Mickey!

Hey! Hey!

All right. Oh, lovely!

Can you get this? No.

Yeah, well, I'm very close.

Are you close? No.

I can't hold it.

I can't hold it any longer! Stick your finger in my ear!

Help!

Hey, save enough for us, Tripper.

Morty.

No hard feelings?

We are the CITs, so pity us The kids are brats, the food is hideous We're gonna smoke and drink and fool around We're nookie bound We're the North Star CITs We are the CITs, so pity us The kids are brats, the food is hideous We're gonna smoke and drink and fool around We're nookie bound We're North Star CITs Here we go!

We are the CITs, so pity us The kids are brats, the food is hideous We're gonna smoke and drink and fool around We're nookie bound We're North Star CITs We're the North Star CITs

Here we go, you guys! Let's go!

End of the summer. You happy?

You ready? Okay. Okay.

There we are. Everybody there?

Where will I stay? My place. Where do you think?

Is it big enough? It's got a double bed.

What's the matter with you? Haven't you ever lived with anyone before?

No. Have you?

Pets, you know, a dog, a fish. No, I haven't.

I've never asked anyone before.

Come on, let's go say good bye to Morty.

Oh, no.

Bye, Morty. Bye, Morty.

Have a nice winter.


My father's buying a camp next year. You wanna go up?

No. I don't think so. I... I kind of like it here.

Oh.


Camp ho!


Tripper!

Somebody!


Somebody!