Men in Black II (2002) Script

Mysteries in History, with your host, Peter Graves.

Although no one has ever been able to prove their existence...

... a quasi-government agency, the Men in Black...

... supposedly carries out operations here on Earth...

... in order to keep us safe from aliens throughout the galaxies.

Here is one of their stories that "never happened"...

... from one of their files that doesn't exist.

1978. The leaders of Zartha flee their planet...

... in order to escape the clutches of the evil Kylothian, Serleena.

Arriving on Earth, the Zarthans bring with them their greatest treasure:

The Light of Zartha, a cosmic force so powerful...

... that in the wrong hands it could lead to the annihilation of Zartha.

The Zarthans' princess, Lauranna, beseeched the Men in Black...

... to hide the Light from Serleena.

But they had no choice.

Intervention would have meant the destruction of the Earth.

However, in an act of galactic bravery, the Men in Black subdued Serleena...

... allowing the Zarthans to escape...

... so they might hide the Light on another planet.

Serleena, released from her captors, vowed that the Light would be hers...

... and that she would destroy any planet that stood in her way.

And so, never knowing what happened...

... the people of Earth were saved by a secret society of protectors...

... known as the Men in Black.


Harvey, get over here!

Harvey. Heel, heel!

You're barking at the moon, moron.

Harvey. Harvey!

Hey, pretty lady.

You taste good.

Hey, what the--?

Yeah, you too.

Nothing fancy, no heroics. By the book.

Got it. Hey!

Hey, Jeff. What's happening, buddy?

We were wondering why you're here. The man's talking to you.

You know our arrangements. Stay in the E, F and R subway lines...

... and you get all the garbage you want.

What the hell are you doing here, worm boy?


Jeff... .

Excuse my partner. He's new and he's...

... kind of stupid.

You getting big, Jeff. Boy, what you been eating?

You like jokes, huh?


All right.

Sweet dreams, big boy.

Sweet dreams...

... big boy.

Transit authority. Move to the forward car.

We got a bug in the electrical system.

People! We got a bug in the electrical system!

Now y'all running?

No, no, no! Sit down!

It's only a 600-foot worm.

Everybody out. Put the hammer down on this thing.

I'm Captain Larry Bridgewater. I decide what happens.

You decide? Okay, come here. Come here.

Larry? That's my man, Jeff.

Larry just made a decision. Larry need to take his ass in there.

Don't make me do this, Jeff!

Eighty-first Street.

Just a second.

May I have your attention, please?

We thank you for participating in our drill.

Had this been an emergency, you'd have been eaten.

Because you don't listen. You're ignorant.

How a man gonna bash through--? That's the problem with New Yorkers.

"We've seen it all. A 600-foot worm! Save us, Mr. Black Man!"

I ask you nice, "Move to the next car. " You just sit there like--

Thank you for participating.

Hopefully, you enjoyed our smaller, energy-efficient subway cars.

Watch your step. You will have a nice evening.

I need a cleanup crew at 81st and Central Park West.

Revoke Jeff's movement privileges.

Have him escorted to the Chamber Street station.

And please check the expiration date on the unipod worm tranquilizers.

Sorry, fellas. Station closed.

Emergency drill. For your safety. Do you believe these putzes?

You're welcome.

I know, by the book.

Tee, when was the last time we just looked at the stars?

This is a test. I can do this.

Ever feel like you're alone in the universe?



Hey, let me buy you a piece of pie. Really?


Hey, you're not alone in the universe.

Remove the arm. Okay.

Please, shut up, Charlie.

Please, shut up, Charlie.

I'm tired of you constantly talking behind my back.

You meet a girl. She's into it. The best line you come up with is:

"Wanna come back to my place for some tonsil hockey and egg salad?"

Who are you and how'd you get in here? You like egg salad?


Why didn't you say it was you?

Where's the Light? Here's the deal.

You're looking for this Light. We found it.

You want it, it'll cost you 50 mill. Here's how it'll work. First--

Where is the Light?

We couldn't find it, but we found a guy who might know where it is.

He runs a pizza parlor on Spring Street.

Let's go. And wipe your nose, idiot.

Good pie. Yeah.


Well, they got good pie.

What is wrong with you?

You're gonna neuralyze me. No, I'm not.

You took me here so I wouldn't make a scene.

You making a scene.

Let me ask you a question. Why did you join MiB?

Six years in the Marines. I like the action. Protect the planet.

You like being a hero? You joined the wrong organization.

You ever heard of James Edwards? No.

Well, he saved the lives of 85 people on the subway tonight.

No one knows he exists.

And if no one knows he exists, how can anyone ever love him?

Hey, how long we been partners?

Feb 1. Five months, three days.

Started at noon. Nine hours.

Get married. Have a bunch of kids.


Excuse me. My buddy's kind of shy, but he thinks you are hot.

Here it is.

I don't know what to say.

Years from now, you know what people'll say?

"Employee" is misspelled? They charge by the letter.

They'll say, "lmagine that. Big shot like her used to work here. "

Ben-- You deserve it.

Bring up a case of Mountain Dew from the basement.

Hey, Bruno.

Two slices of pepperoni and information about the Light of Zartha.

Whoever you are, don't hurt me. Where's the Light, Ben?

I don't know what you're talking about. Let me down, ma'am.

I want to report a robbery--




You idiots see anything?

Wind blew the door open.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

For 25 years, I've traveled the universe looking for it.

But it never left Earth, did it? You kept it here.

What are you talking about?

I'm running out of time. Where's the Light?

I don't know what you mean. Listen, Zarthan.

You hid the Light on Earth. I'll find it.

Once we have the Light, Zartha will be ours.

You're too late. Tomorrow at midnight...

... the Light will leave the third planet and be back home.

Sorry you made the trip for nothing.

Now we don't know if it's on Earth or not.

He said third planet. It's here, you idiot.

Third Rock from the Sun. I never got that till now.

It's on Earth, and I know who's gonna tell me where it is.

Don't you ever go home? Nope.

I see you neuralyzed another partner.

Bee, Dee, when you use a fission carbonizer...

... attach a de-atomizer so it doesn't sound like a cannon.

Hey, get some booties on them things. You're crapping up the floor.

Check his visa.

The Cephalopods have been making counterfeits at Kinko's on Canal.

And why do I have a dead Tricrainasloph going through passport control?

That'd be my fault. I'm very sorry. Please don't neuralyze me, sir.

What the hell's that supposed to mean? Nothing, sir.

Good work in the subway.

I remember Jeff when he was yea high. What you got for me?

Look. See those guys in black suits?

They work here. We got it covered. Zed, what you got?

Dedication's one thing, but this job will eat you up and spit you out.

You want to look like me when you hit 50...

... ish?

I'll be in the gym if you need me.

All right, there was a killing earlier. 177 Spring.


Take Tee with you and make a report.

Tee. Right.

Tee. Right.

You have got to stop neuralyzing MiB personnel.

He was crying in the middle of the diner.

I hate that.

And plus, you can't count Elle.

She wanted to go back to the morgue. I helped her.

You need a partner. I'm cool.

I'll be his partner.

Jay, wait up. I appreciate the shot, man.

Thought I'd never get out. Lose the suit.

Sure thing. Just going for the look.

But if I say so myself, I find it slimming.

Not that I've had problems with the ladies.

When you get down to--

Nice sled, very swank.

Heated seats? Sometimes I get hives.


Bring your head in this window before I roll it up in there.

Got it.


My money? It's missionary.

I was in the Bowery, and I meet this Great Dane.

A little thick in the body, but pretty.

That's just not appealing to me, man. Seriously.

I say we do the good cop, bad cop thing.

You interrogate the witness and I growl.

How about we do the good cop, dumb dog thing, and you just shut up?

You got it, partner. Total silence.

Absolute quiet. Not a word out of me.

What do we got?

What do we got? There's residue on the wall.

We sent samples to Em for analysis. Hey,0% body fat.

Funny. Witness?

Girl. Saw everything.

She's taking it well.

I won't answer any more questions. I want to know what happened here.

I'll handle this one. You got it.

Alone. A talking dog might be a bit much for her now.

What do you want me to do?

Sniff around.



Take a deep breath. Everything is all right.

What part is she supposed to feel all right about?

I'm Agent Jay.

Tell me what you saw.

A two-headed guy and a woman. Caucasian?

Gray, with tentacles that she used to rip--

His skin off.

It's not skin. It's protoplasma polymer similar to the gum in baseball cards.

What was the last thing you ate? Calzone.

What time? Lunch.

Spinach? Mushroom.

You need pie.

They kept asking Ben about a light.

They kept asking Ben about a light.

You okay?

An hour ago, a man I've known my whole life vanished...

... because of a woman with weird fingers...

... and a two-headed guy with a cannoli's IQ.

So yeah, everything's okay.

When we're kids, before we're taught how to think...

... our hearts tell us there is something else out there.

I know what I saw. Tell me what I'm supposed to believe.

I'm a member of a secret organization that monitors alien activity on Earth.

Ben was an alien. So were his killers.

I don't know why they did it, but I promise I'm gonna find out.


Okay? Okay.


I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to-- Kill me.


Just a little flash and everything goes back the way it was.

After you flash me...

... if I see you again, will I know it's you?

I'll see you.

But you won't see me.

Must be hard.

Must be very lonely.

Excuse me.

I gotta go. What about the flashy thing?

I'll flash you some other time.


Did you tell the girl you love her? She's a witness to a crime. That's it.

You're attracted. She's not my species, and I'm attracted.

I should take advice on love from a dude that chases his own ass?

Easy, pal. That's canine profiling, and I resent it.

Hey, Jay, wait up.

Coming through. MiB brass. Look sharp.

I'm Agent Eff, Jay's new partner. Who are you eyeballing?

Frank, just cool out, dog.

Got kids? No.

Want them?

Get him off me!

Talk to me. lt's Kylothian, class C.


Serleena. Old girlfriend? She wishes.

The perps were looking for the Light of--

Zartha. Yeah, what is it?

This makes no sense. It's not on Earth.

We took care of this a long time ago. Obviously not.

That is very bad news.

The Zarthans came to Earth to hide the Light from Serleena.

We don't do that. Right. I ordered it off the planet.

Well, Zed... .

I got a Kylothian class C in my park. Are you sure this Light isn't here?

Positive. I gave the order. My best agent carried it out. lt's as if I gave it to you. Ask the agent.

Can't. Dead?

Sort of. He works at the post office.


If Serleena gets to Kay before we do, he's dead.

The Earth's very existence may rest on what Kay knows.

Too bad you wiped out his memory of it.

Bring him in.


How cool is this? Going to get Kay. The legend, the go-to guy.

The guy who taught you everything.

The greatest agent in MiB history! Frank! Stop talking.


Listen, partner. I may look like a dog...

... but I only play one here on Earth.

Whatever. Wipe your mouth. Hey, babe.

People of Truro, may I kindly have your attention?

To facilitate your shipping needs...

... all packages must be properly wrapped.

This one is an example of "go home and do it again. "

I think you know what I mean, Mrs. Vigushin.

Brown paper and triple-twist twine are the preferred media.

Thank you for your time.

Kay. C. Express mail, two-day air.


Kevin. That's funny. You don't have a "Kevin"... .

You don't remember. We worked together.

I never worked in a funeral home. Something I can do for you, slick?

Straight to the point.

You were an agent of an organization that monitors aliens on Earth.

We're the Men in Black. We have a situation. We need your help.

There is a free mental health clinic on the corner of Lilac.

Next. Excuse me.

Twenty Rugrats stamps. Elizabeth.

The Postal Service hasn't kept up with today's youth, but we have...

... Berlin airlift stamps. Opera legends?

American Samoa? Amish quilts.

I'm sorry, got a world to save here.

There was no coma. It was a cover.

Who are you? Who are you?

The postmaster of Truro, Massachusetts, and I'm ordering you to leave.

ls that decaf? Sorry.

We have a breach. Cordon off this area.

Full perimeter wipe-down, right here, right now.

Get a mop and escort all civilian personnel from this site immediately.

Listen to yourself, Kay. Who talks like that?

Why do you think you're so comfortable here?

Just about everybody who works in a post office is an alien.

No smoking.


My wife and I saw Siegfried and Roy fly a tiger around a room.

You're nothing special.

When you look at the stars, you get a feeling...

... like you don't know who you are.

Like you know more about out there than you do down here.

That's why she left you, Kay. That's why your wife left you.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

You want to know who you really are, take a ride with me.

If not, people are waiting for their TV Guides.

Think he'll bite?

I'm just going for a ride. If things don't add up, it's hasta luego.

Hey, Kay.

How's it hanging?

Good to see you, Kay.

Good to see you too, whoever you are.

Well, let's see what you got here, chief.

Welcome back, Agent Kay.

Agent Kay.

Greetings, Kay.

Wow, look who's back.

I don't mean to bother you-- You're Agent Kay!

That's what they tell me. This is an honor. Agent Gee.

The most respected agent in MiB history.

The most feared human in the universe.

Maybe I could buy you a cup of coffee?

Black, two sugars, if you're going. An honor.

Yeah, I'll take a-- My man? Good to see you, Kay.

How'd it go?

The Drolacks are gone and the treaty is signed.

Good work.

What about that position you promised me in Men in Black?

Still working on the alien affirmative action program.

That's not what you promised me.

You're breaking up. Zed? Hello?

I'll call you back. I could be Agent Em. Zed, you--

I think Earth might be in a bad way. You're the only one that could save it.

Well, neither rain, sleet, snow... . Good man.

Get him armed and up to speed and over to deneuralyzation.

Frank? Yeah?

I'm gonna need them together on this one.

I need an assistant. It's not field work, but you get dental.


The most advanced technologies from all over the universe are in this room.

The most advanced technologies from all over the universe are in this room.

What's this?

All is lost! All is lost!

Don't touch that!

I didn't do anything.

Hands in your pockets.

Your favorite weapon.

That? Yep.

Let's go put it on. What?

The last suit you'll ever wear.


The deneuralyzer.

Magneto-energy will surge through your brain...

... unlocking information that could hold the key to Earth's very survival.

Okay. What's that thing?

The deneuralyzer.

Welcome to planet Earth. There are some rules and regulations.

Go out only at night.

If you must go out during the daylight, only the East Village.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Name and planet of origin?

Sylona Gorth. Planet Jorn. Kaluth system.

Any fruits or vegetables? Yeah, two heads of cabbage.

Reason for visit?

Education. I want to learn how to be an underwear model.

They told me I've got real potential.

Help! Heart attack!


Wake up, champ!

Oh, jeez. Lockdown. Code 101.


This is not good. This is not good.

Breach! We're being flushed. Flushed?

Ever been to a water park? I don't know.


Yeah, man, back when you was an agent, you loved getting flushed.

Yeah, every Saturday night, you'd be like, "Flush me, Jay. Flush me. "

I'd be like, "No. "

You can't quit on me.

I save the world, you tell me why I stare at the stars.


Hop in. Hop in what?

Does that come standard?

It came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.

I could rule this place with the right set of mammary glands.

Trapped like rats...

... in a Chia Pet.

Computer, surveillance MiB.

MiB's locked down.

Computer, magnify. Times 10.

Communicator. Frank.

Jay, where are you? We got flushed.

MiB's code 101. Yeah, who did it?

Some hot-looking biker chick. Want me to tail her?

Stay where you are. I'll be in touch. Stay where I am. Easy for you to say.

Find Kay? Neuralyzed.

Not active. Civilian. What?

He was-- Here.

To get-- Deneuralyzed.

Memory's shot. But we'll find him. Don't put anything in our ears.


What do you make of that? Found it in my pocket. Weird, huh?

Yeah, a smile. ls that the only deneuralyzer?

Officially. The plans leaked out on the Internet.

Computer, Internet.


Perfect. It's an old friend.

Jay, ain't seen you in a while.

Did you peep that drop-top thing out front?

My business is banging, dog.

You gotta check out the website. It's Jeebsie dot--

Okay, whoa. He's retired, right?

We need the deneuralyzer.

You're kidding. The meter's running, Jeebs.

Do you remember me?

Can't say I do. I'm good with faces.

I think I'd remember that.

The great Kay's a neutral.

You're between me and my memories. Do you have this deneuralyzer or not?


Fresh out.

Can't help you.

Don't got it.

Even if I did, if it doesn't work, he dies, you blow my head off.

If it does, I've brought back Kay, who, for fun, blows my head off.

So, what's my incentive?

Okay, homey, I keep it downstairs next to the snow blowers.

Alien prisoners released, armed and ready for your orders.

Prisoners of MiB, the scum of the universe.

Now it's the scum's turn.

I'm in a jam, so I'll make this simple.

I need the Light of Zartha, and Kay knows where it is.

Whoever brings Kay to me gets Earth.

Find a deneuralyzer. They want his memory back.



Jarra, good to see you.

Okay, that should do it.

If I could have your attention while we go over the safety procedures.

Keep your hands inside the vehicle. lf, during the ride, you become disoriented...

... there's nothing we can do about it.

Have you removed all your jewelry?

Are you allergic to shellfish? Jeebs!

Right, then! Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Have you used this?

I used it to make some hot-air popcorn. That's about it.

Okay! Let's make it happen, cap'n!


You're back. No.

How'd you know his head grows back? lt grows back?

Real nice. Okay, that's the last time I help out a friend.

Kay, you remember anything? Goodbye.

Kay! Kay, wait!

I never got the updated software. Still working off the 6.0.

Your brain needs to reboot.

Give it a minute.


Bottom of my heart, I'm really sorry. I hope it won't affect our friendship.

Bottom of my heart, I'm really sorry. I hope it won't affect our friendship.

All those years of loyalty and trust, respect for one another.

Right over there!

Where's Kay? He's not here! He went--

Kay's retired. I'm his trigger-happy replacement.

Right in the pie hole. Now nothing's gonna taste right.

Lower your weapon. No.

Jay, how are you, boo-boo?

These guys really need Kay. He's a neutral.

Tell me something we don't know. Yeah, tell me something--

I am so sorry.

God bless you. Thank you.

If I don't bring Kay back to MiB, Serleena's gonna kick my ass.

Now, where is he? Where is who?

You don't look too good.

Yeah, and you look like crap.

I take that back. He look like crap.

Bend him! Bend him.

Wait, don't bend him.

Damn decent of you.

Don't mention it.

I'm gonna be sick. You don't wanna do that.

Fellas, I think he's telling the truth. Then he's no good to us.

Didn't I teach you anything, kid? Pineal eye!

Go for the mosh tendrils!

Kay, he's a ball-chinnian.

You were in a tight spot. I handled it.

You need a partner. I had one. Job got too tough.

I'm back. You got some dust on your coat.

So you got your memory back.

What the hell is going on? Don't know.

The Light of Zartha? Never heard of it.


You don't remember the Light of Zartha?

Must've neuralyzed myself to keep it from myself.

Good plan. What you doing? I do the driving.

Wait, no. Whoa. I remember that.

What you remember is you used to drive that old, busted jawn.

I drive the new hotness.

Old and busted, new hotness.

Old busted hotness.

Serleena, please. Been a long time, Zed.

I'm just touched you remembered me. Makes me fuzzy all over.

Never forget a pretty whatever you are.


Zed? Look at you.

Twenty-five years, and you're still such a looker.

Cut out the meat and dairy.

And you, still a pile of squirmy crap in a different wrapper.

So feisty. Look, we both need the same thing.

Bring him in.

Don't think so.

What about the Light's secret? If it's not off Earth by midnight...

... it self-destructs, annihilating your little planet.

I lose, you lose. I win, everything keeps spinning.

You don't want the Light on Earth any more than I do.

All right, Serleena.

You win.

Zed? Is that you? I could be Agent Em.

Zed. Hello?

So feisty.

Fastest way back to MiB, you take this right on 39th.

Right here. Right.

Next right on 37th.

Right here. Right!

We're not going back.

Headquarters has been breached, man. We need to peel caps and split wigs.

Not ready.

Look, you've been out for five years. That's a long time.

I understand you're scared. I'm a little scared too.

I'm not scared. Me neither.

I just thought we was bonding.

You're acting like a rookie. Splitting wigs and stepping on caps.

No wonder Zed brought me back. He did it because you messed up.

Your attitude makes for a stressful environment.

Tell it to the hand. Stressful is what we got back at MiB.

Exactly. Serleena broke into MiB in order to lure me back.

Into a trap.

Which is why we can't bust in there.

We need a plan. Where we going? Scene of the crime?

You're the boss. Scene of the crime. That's a left.

I'll contact the witness. We'll talk to her.

Things have changed. We used to neuralyze witnesses.

See, originally, I'd--

No, I was going to-- I interrogated her.

Then neuralyzed her? What?

Then neuralyzed her? What?

MiB code 773ll-1 clearly states that all civilian personnel--

Drop that weapon! No!

Jay, I'm-- I'm sorry.

No, no, I'm fine. It's my fault.

Kay, my partner. Laura, the witness.


Thanks for sending those agents over to keep an eye on me last night.

MiB procedural code 594-B...

... states that MiB personnel shall never be used--

Ben, the Zarthan, was vaporized here. I assume the perp was over here.


Was he 5'7", thinning hair? You knew him?

Nope. Never seen him before in my life.

That is a hell of a fish.

Wait a minute.

You left yourself clues?

In case I was deneuralyzed because my replacement couldn't handle it.

If the joker that had got deneuralyzed hadn't created the situation--


All right. You pointing at something.

Excuse me.

The astronaut.


Okay, all right. He's pointing... .

He's like... .

Who would stack boxes like this?

A box stacker who's not stacking boxes. He's leaving clues.

It's an arrow.

Jay? You're slowing me down, slick.

Whatever we're looking for is in these cabinets, right here.

Anchovy filets in virgin olive oil.

I hope I'm not slowing you down.

Good work, partner. Yeah.

We gotta figure out where it goes. I know where.

No. Not yet. MiB code 773 clearly says--

I know the code, but she might be important to me.

To us. Well, for help. To help us later.

Well, she can't stay here. They'll be back.

You can stay with friends of mine. People like you?

Kind of.


Low bridge! What's going on, man?

Hey, what's happening, fellas? MiB is code 101.

Bad. Very bad.

I need your help. This is Laura. Laura!

Easy, easy!

They're worms.

Once you go worm, that's what you'll yearn.

That's what they say. They just: I've dated worse.

They're suspended for stealing from duty-free.

We were framed. Zed's wormophobic.

Kay! You're back!

They said you were dead. We're double-parked.

Laura's very important to me.

To us. To the stuff-- Me and you, the stuff we're doing.

Keep an eye on her. I'll keep both on her.

No problem!

Why don't you sit here? Like you got a shot.

Hey, shut up!

My communicator, in case you need it.

Nice move. Okay.

Just watch out for Neeble. Which one's Neeble?

Which one of y'all is Neeble? Yo, mama!

Him, right there. It's fine. Everything's straight. It's safe.

Don't fall asleep.


Run over your plan one more time. I'm struggling with it.

You neuralyzed memory of the Light but left yourself clues.


Photo pointing to a key in a pizzeria which opens a locker at Grand Central. ln the locker, we'll find another clue. That's the plan.

I like to keep my enemies confused. We're all confused.

Are you gonna slow me down? Your brain's working on old software.

Why don't you go grab us some coffee?

Sure. How do you take it? Black? Couple cubes of kiss my ass?

I don't know what's in there, so step back.

Kay, for real, man. Open the damn locker.

Kay! He's back! The light giver!

All hail Kay! All hail Kay!

Oh, Kay, can you see By the dawn's early light You are the man who would be king of the train locker.

Praise Kay!

Oh, good and gentle townsfolk of Locker C-18...

... did I leave anything here? Yes. The timekeeper.

Left to illuminate our streets and hearts.

I've been looking everywhere for this. Merciful one! The clock tower!

I got y'all, it's cool. Check this out.

Titanium case. Waterproof to over 300 meters.

That's banging. Who are you, stranger?


All hail Jay! All hail Jay!

Oh, Jay, can you see Oh, merciful Jay, the keeper of-- Come on.

Wait! The commandments! The tablet!

The tablet! The tablet! The tablet! The tablet!

We have lived by its word, and peace has reigned throughout our world.

Pass it on to others! So that they too may be enlightened!

Be kind! Rewind!

Reconcile your past...

... in order to move into your future!

Two for one every Wednesday.

Give twice as much as ye receive on our most sacred of days.

Every Wednesday.

Large adult entertainment section in the back.

That's just nasty.

What's with the video card? Don't know.

The watch? A reminder.

Of what? Can't remember.


I guess we have till midnight. 59 minutes to figure it out.

Look. Here's an idea. Let's stop chasing butt-backwards clues...

... get a couple fission carbonizers and get our headquarters back.

It's all about to make sense, kid.

Is this card valid?

This card hasn't been used in years. I've been away on business.

Billions of frequent flier miles. Try and use them.

I wanted to go to Cambodia. You can get a lobster dinner for a dollar.

The airlines black out holidays. It's a conspiracy, I'm sure, I mean--

Can you tell us anything about the account?

You never checked out a tape.

You reserved one once, but you never picked it up.

Newton. There's a rat in the toilet.

It's all stopped up. You're gonna have to pee in the sin--

Still think I'm paranoid? Yeah.

Gentlemen, my name is Newton. I run the place. Seen any aliens lately?

You need professional help. He's getting it. It's not working.

Okay, so, new case, huh?

Episode 27, Light of Zartha.

Got it.

Jarra, it's a sin they've kept a genius like you locked away.

Their agent Jay caught me siphoning ozone to sell on the black market.

They're touchy about global warming.

I need a spacecraft that can travel 300 times the speed of light.

I'll give you whatever you want.

Give me Jay. We'll call it even. Groovy.

You've got till midnight.

Gatbot, I got a little something special for you.

Newton? Newton, is that you?

Yes, Mom, I'm up here with some friends.

I wanna have your baby.

Would you like some mini-pizza?

You guys want some mini-pizzas? They're good.

They're like mini-bagels, with pizza stuff on them.

She'll put a little fontina cheese on.

She has palsy, so she ends up putting a lot of cheese on.

No, thanks, we're cool.

All right.

Over here.

This is it.

Finally some hard evidence.

Gentlemen, before I play the tape, one question:

What's up with anal probing?

Aliens travel billions of light years just to check out our--

Boy, move.

Okay. Just a question.

Here is one of their stories that "never happened"...

... from one of their files that doesn't exist.

1978. Devastating war of Zartha had raged on for 50 years.

Looks like Spielberg's work.

But the Zarthans had a great treasure, the Light of Zartha.

A source of power so awesome, it alone...

... could mean victory and restoration for the Zarthans...

... or complete annihilation, if it fell into the hands of the Kylothians.

A group of Zarthans made the journey, led by the Keeper of the Light...


... Princess Lauranna.

Lauranna beseeched the Men in Black to help her hide the Light on Earth.

But they could not intervene.


It was night.

And it was raining.

You've been very wise.

Kay, please. If Serleena takes the Light, it's the end of our world.

If we extend protection for the Light beyond Earth...

... we put Earth in jeopardy. We must remain neutral.

Where is it? We're neutral, remember?

If you want it, go get it.


And so never knowing it happened...

... the people of Earth were once again saved...

... by a secret society of protectors--

I shouldn't have.

You never sent it off the planet.

You hid it here.

The worm guys.

Are you one of Newton's friends from therapy?

Yes, ma'am, I am. Look here, please. Would you like some mini-pizz--?

A neuralyz--

Okay, first, get some contact lenses.

Joints look like they pick up cable.

Second, take her to Cambodia. Get her lobster. Pay more than a dollar.

Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia...

... move your bum ass out of your mom's house.

Let's go. Boy, you like 40 years old.

Agent Jay? All right, all right.

And there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.

You wanna go to Cambodia? Yeah.

Hey, Mom?

Communicator, Jay.

Laura, it's me. Jay, we're playing Twister.

What's up, Jay?

Quit touching my butt! I thought it was your face.

They're good at this. They don't have spines.

They were telling me about Oprah, from Chicago.

Maybe landed in Chicago.

Are you wearing a bracelet? Yeah.

Is it glowing?

lt's never done that before. We're on our way.

Communicator, Frank.

Deactivate the lockdown. We're headed to the worm guys. We found the Light.

Got it, Jay. Scrad?


Why didn't you say I love you?

He's a dog. I don't even like him. No, the girl. You're sweet on her.

That's why you didn't neuralyze her. You got emotionally involved.

Like you did with Lauranna? I put the entire planet in danger.

I don't want to see you making my mistakes.

Whatever, man.



Never stood half a chance.

Oh, boy.

That's gonna leave a scar.

Where's Laura? MiB headquarters.

Some dumb two-headed guy. They got the bracelet.

We got 39 minutes. You guys...

... pull yourselves together.


That's feeling better.

Hey, guys, wait up! Let me grab my drink!

Serleena has the bracelet. Why take Laura?

She also wants me.

What's the book say? We're off book. I say split some wigs.

We need wig-splitting weapons. Got them.

Paw Paw's coming to visit me. Hello, Paw Paw.

Paw Paw and ZuZu love to see what's going on in the garden.

Don't worry, folks. I used to live here. Came to pick up a few things.

Don't worry, folks. I used to live here. Came to pick up a few things.

Nice place.

Nice place.

See you.

You did not see a room full of weapons or four aliens.

You will cherish and love each other for the rest of your lives.

Which could be the next 28 minutes, so get to loving and cherishing.

And she can stay up as late as she want...

... and have cookies and candy and stuff.

Four minutes to launch.

Four minutes to launch.

Your ship is ready. Good. Send it to Kyloth now.

Ready, guys?

Lock and load, baby.

You ready, kid? Kid?

I saved the world from a Kreelon invasion.

They're the Backstreet Boys of the universe. They throw snowballs?

Know what you're doing?

I'm about to attack one of the most feared aliens...

... with four worms and a mailman. Let's make it hot.

No, no, wait!

A code 101 lockdown!

The building gets pressurized. Nothing in, nothing out. I knew that.

Yeah, you knew. Front and center, worms!

You got it.

It's about time you guys got here. That lady is causing all kinds of hell.

Yummy. Someone I need to eat.

Get to the launch pad. The bracelet shows the departure point.

Do not come back for me. What?

Do not come back for me.

Worm guys, give me some cover fire. Too scared, can't move.


Limber. Go to subcontrol panel 7-R-Delta.

Shut off power so they can't take off. Can't. Too scared.

That way. Away from the bullets.

No problem.

Nice to see you again, Kay.

Three minutes to launch. Jay!

Three minutes to launch.

Hello, Jay. Long time.

Jarra! What's up, man? You look great.

What's it been? Five years? And 42 days.

You count every one when you're locked away.

You shouldn't have tried to steal our ozone. Be there in one minute.

Over our dead titanium bodies!

Two minutes.

Let's play this one by ear.

I should have vaporized you before. You really did love Lauranna.

Didn't you, Kay?

You silly little man.

Two minutes to launch.

Just go, I'll be fine!

What you talking about? I'm winning.

Jarra, you are under arrest for being that ugly...

... and for making that many copies. Surrender!

I want him in pieces.

Jarra Jr. is going, going...

... gone!

Rectum. Damn near killed him!

Never get tired of that one.

Where do we shut off the power? Don't know.

I'm fine. I'll be there in a minute. No, he won't.

Down to one now, Jarra!

Thirty seconds to launch.

Fifteen seconds to launch.

Ten seconds to launch.








Launch terminated.

What did you mean, leave you? Well, he took your gun.

Cracked your head. Slammed you across the room.

Half the time you were on your back. Look, that's how I fight.

You've lost, you insignificant speck.

You've wasted 25 years of my time, and for what?

The total annihilation of Zartha. All because you went mushy.

I'll give you one last chance to surrender, you slimy invertebrate.

What are you gonna do to stop me? Not me. Him.

Your flight's been canceled.

Shut down power. Shut down power. Buttons, buttons. I'm guessing... .


Worms! Sorry.

Give me the bracelet. I'm going with you.

Everybody in the car. Everybody.

This bracelet is what everybody's been after?

It's often something small.

It's not the Light. It tells us the departure point.

If we don't get there in 11 minutes...

... that bracelet will go nuclear and destroy Earth.



Wait. I know what I'm doing.


Modified to hyper-speed! Seat belts.

What's that?

At hyper-speed, you have to use the navigational stalk.

Toggle switches for the ailerons. Joysticks for the stabilizer and rudder.

I just want you to know--

Hold on to that for one second.

Computer, worms.

I said, "Bitch, if you don't want me to kick your skinny Zone Diet ass...

... turn around and exit the planet. " Frank, where are you?

Main hall, egg display.

We're taking fire. Kay pushed the red button.

Computer at MiB can destroy bogey. I'll walk you through it.

Jay? Frank. You were the best darn partner a Remoolian could ever have.


Frank? Frank?

Okay, here we go, automatic pilot.

lt is not automatic piloting. He doesn't operate at hyper-speed.

I could use a steering wheel! This is what we got.

Didn't you ever have a Game Boy? What's that?

You know what? Move.

That is not the navigational stalk!

Okay, straight down.


Subway may not be the best place to lose her.

Where is he? He?

Jeff. Hang on!



Running out of time, Kay. Where is the Light?

Right here.

What? What, I'm the Light?

No. No way. You have a planet to save.

You're mistaken. I work at a pizzeria.

Two days ago, I was running a post office. You are who you are.

Laura, you are the Light.

The leader of your people. Their spirit and their hope.

The power is within you to save a planet.

I protected you until it was your time. Your time is now.

You will save a world. You know things before they happen.

I'm a Libra. You're Zarthan.

When you get sad, it rains. Lots of people get sad when it rains.

It rains because you're sad, baby.

It's not fair.

Never is.

We are who we are...

... even if we sometimes forget.

Jeff, I am so not in the mood for you!

Get back in the subway! Now!

That's not good.

Wait! No!


I cannot emphasize strongly enough how much we need you on that transport.

Laura! You have to go!

Oh, jeez.

Go. He's fine. He does this all the time.


About to lay the smackdown on your candy ass.

Laura! It's your destiny!

I was talking, Kay!

Hey! No biting.

If you don't go, we all die.

You're just as beautiful as your mother.

Kay? A little help?


Might I suggest a bigger gun?

Kid? Yeah.

Thanks for bringing me back. No problem.

Why didn't you tell me?

Would you have let her go?

So, what's it like on the outside? Not doing this every day?

It's nice.

Sleep late on the weekends. Watch the Weather Channel.

I did miss this city.

So Laura is Princess Lauranna's daughter.

Did y'all--? MiB's a mess. Let's go, kid.

Let's go?

Thousands of people in New York and New Jersey saw our little event.

Plan needs to be thought out. Plan needs to be cool. What you--?

Kid, I'll get you trained yet.

I want one of those.


Hey. Hey.

How you doing? I'm good.

We've all been there. The girl is gone and it hurts. Wanna talk?

No. I can help.


Still sulking?

No. Yeah.

You miss her. It happens to all of us. I knew this hot young thing.

When our bodies were in the positions of the Kamasutra--


Come on, man! Damn!

I'll tell you about dames.

They say they want to be scratched, but they really want:

Hey! Frank.

What? Still sitting shiva? Want my advice?

No. No advice.

No talking.

Hell, no.

Fellas, I swear, I'm fine.

All hail Jay! All hail Jay!

I brought them from Grand Central. Why put them in my locker?

I thought it would put things in perspective.

It's kind of sad. We need to let them out.

They need to know the world is bigger than that.

Still a rookie.