Middleditch & Schwartz S1E3 Script

Dream Job (2020)

[audience cheering]

[whooping, screaming]

[cheering, clapping]

[cheering, clapping continues]

That is a good crowd.

Will we disappoint you?

Who knows?

We don't know.

We don't know what will happen.

No. Why, Thomas?

Because this is a completely improvised show.

What does that mean?

Everything's made up. What do you mean "everything's made up"?

You say something, I say, "Yes and..."

[audience cackling]

So, if I say something like, "These meatballs are really tasty."

I go, "Yes, and they are made of meat."

[audience giggles]

And that... is improv. That's improv!

[audience cheering, clapping]

[Ben] Great.

Wow. Yeah.

Wow, I hope we get to that meatball scene.

Oh, man. [audience laughing]

It's a good scene.

Oh, it's going to be a great scene.

Neither one of those people sounded like stereotypical Italian people that might run an Italian meatball shop.

No, we played it very kind of natural. Very natural.

But, if we get to a meatball scene in the show...

[audience cackling]

Mamma Mia!

[audience giggles]

[both chuckling]

- [laughs] Mamma... Mia. We have to now.

So, I ask you, this audience... what is something that you're looking forward to, or something that you're dreading?

[man] Job interview! [woman] Thanksgiving!

I heard... I heard a job interview.

I heard job interview. Job interview was the first thing I heard.

It's a real thing? We'll ask more questions.

[man] Yeah.

Okay, great. When you explain it, maybe don't say the exact job just in case...

[audience laughs]

But any specific, any character, anything you could tell us would be very helpful.

So, please tell us. Is that coming up?

[man] Yeah, I'm gonna get an email soon, I don't know when, to schedule it.

You're going to get an email to let you know how well you did in the job interview that you recently had?

No, I'm going to get an email telling me when the job interview is.

[Thomas] Oh, okay. [audience cackling]

You're worried about even getting the job interview. Okay.

You're like... very far back.

[audience roars with laughter]

You just had the idea that you wanted a job.

[audience laughing]

We can work with it.

We can get with it. We can get there.

Uh...

So...

[audience laughing continues]

What...

What stage came prior to this?

There was a video interview. Then this is round two of the interview.

[Thomas] Oh, man! This is a job. [Ben] Yeah. In person?

Uh, it's either going to be in person or over the phone.

So, you could potentially go from video to phone?

[audience cackling]

Yeah, that's good. That's good.

Now, let me hear what you sound like, baby.

[laughing]

[audience roars with laughter]

With... Can I ask, like, would this be with...

This couldn't be possibly with the same person.

It would be for a diff... You'd be interviewing with a different...

The video interview was with an automated system.

[audience laughing]

Okay, so your first round...

Who are you... Wait!

Who are you video chatting with if it's an automated system?

Uh, what type of job is this?

It's, uh... It's actually a photography internship for a... weekend...

A photography internship for...

Uh, okay. It's for Saturday Night Live.

Oh! Oh!

[audience cheering] This motherfucker!

[audience cheering]

Whoo!

Shit!

Man, you're living my dream.

[audience giggles]

What would your job be? To take pictures of the sketches actually happening or backstage stuff? Or what is it?

I have no idea. You don't know what you're applying for?

[man] It just said... It just said "Photography Department."

My man... Man, this is crazy.

Multiple interviews for... an internship...

...that you don't even know what you do during.

[audience laughs]

So when you say video interview, who was it with then if it's an automated video interview?

It was a weird system. It had, like... For example, it would say, "You have 30 seconds to read the question and then a minute to record your answer."

They're making you interview yourself? [audience cackling]

That, that is... [laughs]

Wait. I'm confused. No wonder... the fucking youth of America is disillusioned...

[audience laughing]

...with the employment process.

What the fuck is that?

That's so mean. Can you give us an example?

[stammers] It's, like, somewhat basic interview questions like:

"What has your previous experience led you to?"

So, you asked yourself that?

[audience cackling]

For real?

What is your dream dream job out of everything at the end?

Let's say 10 years from now, you would be... you would be beyond happy if blank happened.

Working in the building that I'm applying for.

[Thomas] Ah, what a sweet boy. [Ben] As a photographer?

Anything. [Ben] Anything!

You don't care about photography. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

Alright. Anything else? Any other...

Any other friends or characters you're taking along the way?

Uh, there was another one of my friends who applied to the same position, and I'm the one who got the interview. [Thomas whistles]

What's he like? What's that other friend, guy or girl, like?

[man] Uh, he is just as passionate about it as me.

Oh. Is it... Is it icy now?

[man] No.

No, he got another... We applied to multiple.

He got some, and I got some. So, yeah.

Thank you very much. Give it up.

Give it up one time. My man.

[Ben] Cool. So...

[audience clapping]

Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you Middleditch and Schwartz.

[audience cheering]

The interview is beginning now. Fuck!

[audience laughing]

[laughing intensifies]

Please read the following question.

[audience laughs]

Um, can you hear me?

[Thomas] Please read... Fuck!

[Thomas]...the following question. If you can hear me, you're talking now.

So, there's no reason for me to read the question.

[Thomas] Please read the following question.

Um, "why do I want to be a photographer?" Oh, uh...

You now have five seconds to answer.

[audience giggles]

Um... [stammers] I'm not sure I do.

Okay.

[Thomas] Your time has expired.

[audience laughing] Okay.

This is good. This is good.

Okay. [Thomas] Next question.

Uh, "what is my biggest weakness?"

Okay. You have 12 seconds...

[audience giggles] ...to respond.

Okay, I guess my biggest weakness... uh, is that I'm, like, a little bit too neat. [chuckles]

[audience laughing] Um... Oops.

And... Your time has expired.

Good.

If you can hear me, I won't need more than 12 for the rest of the questions. The next question is a multiple choice.

[audience cackling]

Okay. Can you read it?

[Thomas] I will read the question.

[audience chuckling]

[chuckling continues]

Hey, can I ask you a before you do it? How am I doing?

At 1 a.m... Fuck.

[audience roars with laughter]

...on a Tuesday night... do you find yourself most likely to be A: watching TV, B: watching TV... [audience chuckling]

...C: watching TV, or D: masturbating and watching TV?

[audience cackling]

What time... What time at night?

[audience laughing]

You have five seconds to answer the question.

Um...

[Thomas] Your time has expired. Fuck!

[audience roars with laughter]

[Thomas] Your failure to answer the question has been noted.

Fuck. I won't do it again. That is literally the last...

I will not do that again.

[audience member chuckles]

The next question...

[audience giggles]

...is a visual skills challenge.

[audience roars with laughter]

I know you probably can't hear me...

To the best of your ability...

[audience roars with laughter]

I don't understand what... [Thomas] To the best of your ability... embody... a gazelle.

[audience cackling]

To the best of my... You have a full minute...

[audience roars with laughter]

...to embody a gazelle.

[audience clapping, laughing]

Bonus points... for showing that you understand what a gazelle eats...

[audience giggles]

What does this have to do with... ...and is stalked and hunted by.

[audience chuckles] And what it's hunted by?

Correct.

[audience laughing]

You can hear me. [Thomas] Uh...

[audience roars with laughter]

Uh... [stammers] You have a one minute to complete the challenge.

Can you show me on the screen a picture of a gazelle, just so I can copy it, please?

Oh, my God.

[audience giggles]

Here is a picture of a gazelle.

Let me see it.

[audience laughs quietly]

Look at the screen.

[audience cackling]

Alright, great. Thank you. Asshole.

Alright.

[audience laughing]

[stammers] I can't tell. Am I on camera here?

Yeah?

Okay. One minute started?

I feel like... You have 50 seconds remaining.

I feel like this is embarrassing uh, because this has nothing to do with the job itself, and, um...

You have 40 seconds remaining. Okay.

[audience giggles]

Uh...

Uh, fuck!

[audience chuckling] [Thomas] That's it. Yeah, you're a...

[audience roars with laughter]

[Thomas] You're a gazelle.

[audience laughs]

You're a gazelle, and you want this job, don't you, gazelle?

[audience cackling]

[Thomas] You're gonna do whatever you have to.

Oh, yeah.

Bouncing around, yeah?

Are you fast?

Are you hungry, you little gazelle?

Show me what you eat. I don't want to do this.

Show me what you eat. [audience roars with laughter]

There's some grass. You nibble at that. Yeah.

This is so fucking demeaning. [Thomas] You're a hungry little gazelle.

Oh, no, there's a male gazelle behind you.

[audience giggling] No.

That's a minute, right? That's a minute?

Time has expired. Great. Thank God.

All right.

This is the final question.

[exhales sharply]

What do you stand for?

[audience cackling]

Okay, how much time?

[Thomas] You have one second to answer the question.

[audience laughing]

That's insane. It is a single word response. [chuckles]

Okay. Okay. Tell me when it starts.

[Thomas] You may begin now.

Kindness.

[audience] Aw! [blows lips]

[audience roars with laughter]

[audience clapping slowly]

[audience clapping faster]

[clapping faster continues]

[man cheers]

Did I get it? Well done. Well done.

[audience cackling]

Computer, shut down.

[audience giggles]

Computer shutting down.

Uh... I'm so sorry. Who are you?

Timothy...

[audience laughing] Great.

Timothy. Timothy III.

Hey, Timothy.

Timothy III. Are you Timothy III?

I'm the Timothy III. Oh, my God.

I run this place. This is incredible.

Yes.

Yeah, so nice to meet you. Yeah.

My name was almost going to be Forne Bicheals.

Yes.

[audience giggling]

You're the head of this entire sketch show.

But my mother, at the last minute, decided to name me Timothy III.

I have no last name.

It's literally Timothy III.

May I ask you a question? Yes, of course.

Does that mean your father and your father's father were just named Timothy and Timothy II? No.

No, so this is a weird one.

My mother was an eccentric... Okay.

[audience cackling] ...but she instilled in me two things:

A work ethic, and a pretty crazy comedy bone.

[audience giggling]

[chuckles]

That is pretty crazy. I'm a huge fan of your show.

One of the reasons why I want actually do photography for it is because I... I grew up with it. I love it so much.

Yes, yes, yes, we all grew up with it.

[audience laughing]

It's a very funny show. Yeah, it's hilarious.

You're Kyle, correct? I'm what?

[audience chuckling]

Your name is Kyle. Kyle, yeah.

Yeah.

It was a very peculiar video interview.

[stammers] I just answered the question... I'll review the footage.

[audience cackling]

I'll review the footage with... excruciating detail.

It seems if you have so much time to talk to me now, why wouldn't we just do the interview in person?

[audience cackling]

It doesn't work like that. Okay.

You'll be receiving an email. [chuckles]

[audience roars with laughter]

Okay.

And then we can take this thing to the next level.

I would love that. I'm thinking telephone.

[audience shrieking with laughter]

Uh... Okay. So, this, a confirmation email, then a telephone call for me to come in person to have an interview with you?

[chuckles]

No.

But you'll see.

They all see in the end.

[audience laughs]

Hey Timothy?

Uh... I really, um...

[audience cackling]

Me, the only person in the room.

You, Kyle. Yeah. Kyle.

Kyle, was it?

Kyle. Go, Kyle.

I just wanna say I've been watching your show for a long time.

I'm sure everybody says this, but I'm, like... I'm a huge fan.

And if I start here, I don't know where I go, but I will work my ass off for you. I guarantee that.

I couldn't say that in the interview, 'cause they asked me to be a gazelle.

[audience laughing]

Yes, it did, didn't it?

Well, that's very... kind of you.

I can't wait for you to hear that last... [chuckling]

[audience chuckling]

[Thomas continues chuckling]

Oh, shit.

I got an email.

[audience cackling]

That was quick.

Let me have it read itself. [chuckles]

Uh... [snickering] [audience laughs]

I could read it if it doesn't want to read itself.

[Thomas] You're... [laughs] Or maybe...

[audience cackling]

Your Postmates order is ready. [Ben chuckles]

[audience laughing, clapping]

That's not how Postmates works.

[audience roars with laughter]

Usually just comes up on the app.

Uh... Hey, hey, hey, Kyle.

[exhales] Hey, man, how'd it go?

Dude, it went amazing. That's great.

Yeah, what's up, man?

[audience cackling]

Oh, no, I hit your microphone a little bit.

Oh, no, I hit your microphone a lot a bit.

How do you think we fix it?

I'm wearing a microphone?

[audience laughing]

Someone will come on stage if it fucked everything up.

I think I fixed it. Don't touch it.

Hey, what's up, man?

[audience laughing, clapping] [Ben chuckles]

You didn't establish your name, right? No.

Hey, Sawson? Let me say something. Yeah.

I got in there, and no joke...

I went there. I talked right to this computer, right to the computer that was in there, right?

I did this whole thing. And I think I did pretty well because afterwards, Timothy III came up to me.

You talked to Timothy III? Yeah, dude.

[scoffs] Weird.

Did you get in... Did you get your...

Yeah, I did the video interview, yeah.

Well, how did it go, man?

Hey, um... [chuckles]

[audience chuckles quietly]

Did they, uh...

This is gonna sound so dumb. No, Sawson, come on. We're friends.

Did they, uh... ask you to get fucked by a gazelle as a gazelle?

[audience laughing]

Sorry, I missed it.

[stammers] Did they ask me to get fucked? Say it again?

Like, in a mime situation.

Yeah, I played a gazelle. I was a gazelle.

Okay, how far did you get?

Because...

[audience cackling]

In mine, after I ate the grass, he made me...

Yeah, I ate the grass. Okay.

How did you do it?

Can you show me? I feel like my gazelle was weird.

I mean, I don't know what I... Just show me what you did.

If it's a minute long, I'll occupy every minute.

So, I hopped right in there. I'm bouncing around.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a good gazelle. [chuckles]

That's a good gazelle, yeah.

And then, I'm eating the grass, right?

Oh, yeah! Fuck!

Fuck. Now, yeah, fuck.

And then he says, "There's a male gazelle behind you."

I'm like, okay. Yeah, and then I stopped.

And that was where it stopped for me.

'Cause I took so long in the beginning, they only had...

No, it stopped for me there, too.

[audience laughing]

Sawson.

That's cool that Timothy III talked to you.

Did Timothy III talk to you?

No.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Look at me.

I already am.

[audience laughs]

Did you have to pretend to get fucked by a bigger gazelle?

I got kids, man.

[Ben] I know, man.

That's why it's insane to me you're applying for an internship.

I know it pays, but it's not a lot. I got kids.

I got kids, I'm in college... [chuckles]

I know. It's a scenario that happens.

Sawson, what happened?

The male gazelle took me.

Daddy, what did you say?

Uh...

Go to bed, Pawson.

[audience chuckles]

I was trying to, but you were making so much noise up here.

It's just me and Kyle. We're talking.

What's up, Kyle?

Oh, what... what's up?

Hey, it's cool to be in college, right?

Yeah. Cool to be in college.

Yeah, you should go.

Fraternities! [laughs]

What? Fraternities!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Us two photography students are definitely in a fraternity.

[audience laughs, claps]

Hey, when I grow up, I want to be just like you.

M... Me? Yeah.

You sure you don't wanna be like your old man?

I heard you got fucked by a gazelle. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

[Thomas] Alright.

Huh. What a cool kid.

Whoever gets the job, who cares?

We're supposed to get the email in a bit. You're right. I know, and I...

I got some leads on some other stuff, but I don't want to fucking do it.

I want the leads on your shit.

I don't want to fucking take pictures for The New York Times.

[audience giggles]

That's a huge...

The New York Times!

Dude, it's a huge publication.

[stammers] I want to do comedy!

I mean, there's some funny stuff in The New York Times.

They want to send me away, overseas to get really engaging photos.

That's insane. Is that true?

That's an amazing job.

Is that your lead? Around the world to various conflicts.

That's incredible.

That's what they're offering? You got that job?

I want to do jokes and bits.

[audience cackles]

When do you have your callback interview for The New York Times?

Is it soon? Yeah.

It's... [stammers] today. [chuckles] Great.

Take it seriously. That job is amazing.

For real, Saws. For real.

Alright.

Yeah, I guess. When's your callback...

I mean, I got an email that says I should be expecting a fucking fax pretty soon.

[audience cackles]

And if the fax goes well, I'm going to have this phone call... with, possibly, Timothy III. I don't mean to rub it in your face, man.

I know you got a kid and you're in college, but it's like...

But that New York Times thing. That's huge.

Yeah, I guess. Hey.

Just remember, no matter what, in 10 years from now, we're going to take pictures together, right?

Yeah, what was our promise again?

In 10 years... we'll be taking pictures together.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

[chuckles loudly]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You're gonna be great, okay? [Thomas] And you're gonna be great too.

Thanks. Hope you get that fax.

I'll go to mine, you go to yours. Alright.

[audience giggles]

Mr. Times?

[audience laughs]

[in affected accent] Yes?

Uh... Sawson!

Sawson, yeah. Sawson.

We're expecting you.

Come, come.

Door open or closed? Huh?

Door open or closed? Well...

Nowadays...

Take a seat. [chuckles]

[audience roars with laughter]

Sawson, I'll tell you something before you sit down.

Every moment of this interview, starting when you sit in that seat is a part of the interview.

Yes, sir.

Sawson, take a seat.

[exhales sharply]

Why?

[audience cackles]

'Cause it's... my dream to take photos, sir.

Okay, I'll give you a hypothetical.

We take you to a foreign country. We are at arms with them right now. You...

Boring. What?

[audience laughs]

What?

You must have misheard me. I'll give you a different scenario.

There's conflict, conflict at the White House.

The only way we can get in there is someone has to go in there, take the photographs that will give us the story that we need.

Have you ever seen the movie Mission: Impossible, sir?

[Ben] Of course not. I work at The New York Times. [chuckles]

I did a review... Someone did a review on it once.

But if you want to read it, you have to get a subscription.

You get to just see this much, and then you have to pay.

Continue. [chuckles]

Well...

I get a harness... put myself in the harness.

I get to the roof.

How I got to the roof, I can't tell you that.

But I'm there.

I find the vent.

I go in the vent.

I'm squirming around in there. Good.

People in the White House are like, "What's that sound?"

Right. If I need to, I'll whisper, "Nothing, don't worry about it."

Sawson, this is very good.

Sawson, this is very good and nothing like Mission: Impossible so far.

I'm squirming around.

I get to the exit vent where the documents are held.

What are you gonna do now if this is your exit vent?

Sawson, what are you gonna do?

I open up the vent...

I attach my harness to the, to the... top part of the shaft.

Good, good, good. Be general about it. Don't know much.

And I lower myself in. How fast?

Slow.

What happens if they can hear you?

Is there some way you can make sure you don't talk too loud?

I go... [whispers] "Shh, stop talking so loud."

And there's probably lasers, right?

Yeah, there is.

Now... I may be borrowing this from another movie, but, uh...

I might do a little of this.

[audience laughs]

Oh...

Very nice.

[louder] Very nice! [audience laughing, clapping]

Do you know what's insane? I totally forgot about that movie, and the second you did that, I realized I watched just that part 100 times.

I can't believe how perfect that was. All teenage boys did.

Yeah! Yes!

Uh, isn't it fun being a teenage boy?

Sir, you're a teenager?

Well, I'm in college right now.

[audience cackles]

Mr. Times, you're in college?

Well, yes. Me too.

The only way to keep up with the Times is to take someone who's younger.

Keep up with the Times is my family.

Keeping Up with the Times is my reality show. [chuckles]

[audience giggles]

That worked out well.

I like you.

I like you a lot.

Oh, really?

Yeah, really.

You know, we have this stupid thing the guys are trying to put on me.

Right? What?

They want to start a new humor section of The New York Times.

Ha. I know. Ha, ha, ha, ha. How stupid!

Who'd want to take pictures of comedians laughing... goofing around?

[stammers]

You're hard, sir.

[audience screaming with laughter]

Uh...

It's nothing much, really? I mean... it's a... humble nine inches.

Humble nine?

It's a short nine.

Short nine?

Yeah, she's a short nine, sir.

[both laughing] [audience laughing]

Oh, this?

She's a short nine. She's a short nine.

[audience cackling]

I hope something happens, like hashtag shortnine.

[chuckles] Hashtag shortnine. I told that guy to go fuck himself.

No! [stammers]

Sir, uh...

I know it's hardly my place.

I'm a potential intern.

I don't even have the job yet.

But... to be truthful, sir, uh, comedy is a passion of mine.

Yeah, right. Tell me one joke.

[audience giggles]

Make me laugh. Make The New York Times laugh.

[stammers] If...

What... does the sound a... doodie make?

What sound does a doodie make? To remind you, you're interviewing for The New York Times.

And right now, you've asked me:

"What does the sound a doodie make?"

The New York Times.

Many call it the top of the top.

The most prestigious, the most brainy... I understand, sir.

You don't flip to the back and see a pun.

You flip to the back and you see...

Well, the back... it's different.

[audience laughs]

But the front...

The titles grab you!

So, your question to me is:

"What does the sound a poopy make?" [chuckles]

"Doodie," sir. What... [laughs]

I find that in humor, wording is very important.

Very good.

What does the sound a doodie make?

[audience cackles]

[audience giggling]

[Ben chuckling]

[audience laughing continues]

[blows lips]

[audience laughs] [Thomas chuckles]

[Ben] That person has eaten way too much fiber.

[audience roars with laughter]

[Thomas squeaks, chuckles] Can you not?

[Thomas] The mustache, sir.

It's new.

[audience screaming with laughter]

[laughing] [Ben] Alright.

Expect a letter.

[audience roars with laughter]

[audience clapping, whooping]

Hey, yeah, this is... this is he.

Timothy?

[imitates voice over phone] Go to the corner of 42nd and 1st.

[audience giggles]

You want me to do what?

Be there at 3:00 p.m. on the corner of 42nd and 1st.

I am on 42nd and 2nd.

So, I have to go one block east. It's about, uh...

I guess it'll take like two and a half minutes.

[Thomas] Oh. You're pretty close. Okay, well...

[Ben] What am I looking for?

There's a ton of cars. This is New York City.

[Thomas] Look for the...

[sighs] Oh, God. Look for the white Ford Fiesta.

[audience cackles]

[Thomas] It's a custom license plate. [chuckles]

What does the license plate say?

[Thomas] It's a custom one. It says, "GOOFS."

[audience giggles]

[Thomas] "GOOFS1."

Okay, yeah. Do you want me to jump in?

Enter. Enter.

Uh, there's...

There's, uh...

What the fuck?

[audience laughs]

Kyle. Timothy.

The... Third.

Yes.

[audience cackles]

Oh.

Excellent.

I believe we do this in this car. [laughs]

[audience giggles]

Safety first.

Not me.

[audience cackles]

[audience giggles]

[audience roars with laughter]

Actually...

What's wrong?

Hey...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

[audience giggling]

Hey. What's wrong, man?

Everybody takes photos of the good times... the "ha-has," the knee slappers... but nobody takes photos of... me.

This character makes me nervous.

Why? [chuckles] Because...

It's just... I'm worried about it being too real.

[audience cackling]

Okay. For you personally?

Or for who... whom the bell tolls?

[chuckles] For whom the bell tolls? [chuckles] Okay.

In order to make me feel better about it, can we give him something that really makes him totally different?

Sure.

Uh, he's got webbed feet. [chuckles]

Okay. [audience laughs]

And also I own a cat farm.

[laughs] [audience roars with laughter]

How's your cat farm?

Great!

[audience cackling, clapping]

Great. A pond in the middle.

I swim like fucking lightning through that.

[chuckles]

Great. Alright, I feel better.

[both laughing]

[audience laughs]

Oh, no.

One real thing of emotion.

[Thomas] Yes, but...

I'm nervous it's not going to happen... at the show.

Come on. Your show is... We've gotta go elsewhere for it!

Where do we have to go?

Overseas. No.

Yes!

You've got to capture the goofs and the spoofs, and even the real moments overseas.

I'm talking in war-torn countries.

No, it sounds like you're literally sending me to some sort of New York Times mission.

The New York Times.

That's your villain? - That's my rival.

The sketch show's rival is The New York Times. The New York Times!

Okay.

Hey, don't look at me.

I own a cat farm.

[laughs] [audience giggles]

Sure. I'm a simple cat farmer.

Sure. Sure. Sure.

Uh. All right. Here we are.

Hey, man, you can't stop here. [chuckles]

Hey, sorry. My friend owns a cat farm.

We're just trying to get to the airport, to JFK.

All right.

[audience cackles, claps]

Okay.

You want this job, don't you?

I need this job, but what I wanna do is take pictures of comedians and stuff.

I don't wanna go to different places where battles are happening and take pictures.

It's the only thing I could think of.

[audience giggles]

I'll talk to you soon, I guess.

Yes.

I guess I'll get on a plane to a different battlefield.

Alright, sure.

Hey.

Oh. Sorry.

Yes.

Sorry. [chuckles]

Sorry, I just need to take a shit before I get on the flight.

All right, man.

Good to know. Sorry.

Hey, uh, hey... buddy.

I am sorry.

I didn't know you were zipping up your fly. I'm sorry.

It's alright.

I'll take a sh... [stammers] I guess I'll take a shit.

[both laughing]

People don't usually just say "Hey" to me in the bathroom.

Then I'll say it. Do I know you?

No, no, no, no. Oh, okay.

I'm a college student that's about to go to war.

Alright.

[audience cackles]

Have a good flight.

Alright. Well, really nice to meet you. Yeah.

Really nice to meet you.

What a good dude.

What a good fucking dude.

What a nice guy.

[audience member giggles]

[laughing loudly]

[in stereotypical New York accent] Oh, my God.

What's happening? What's happening? I'm reading The New York Times!

They got this new comedy column.

The photos...

Are they funny?

Oh, my God! They're hilarious.

What's the guy's... Unbelievable! I'm from New York!

I'm from New York. I'm at JFK.

That's a perfectly plausible thing.

I'm... I'm from New York also.

I grew up in Riverdale, then moved to Westchester, but this is how I speak.

Riverdale?

No, not... Like the TV show?

No. It's like...

Never heard of it!

Wow!

Oh, dude, your everything bagel with cream cheese is on the ground.

[audience giggles]

Oh, man.

It went cream cheese side down.

Sorry, dude. Ah!

[audience roars with laughter]

Very cool, man. Set it on my knee, there.

You sound like the most New York person I've ever met in my entire life.

Are you kidding me? Born and raised here.

What borough?

Fucking, fucking...

King of Queens, baby.

You're Kevin James?

No, I'm not Kevin James.

I know the guy, though.

I'm just kidding.

You know... [stammers] I just... I'm from Queens.

Okay.

You got a favorite restaurant over there?

Yeah. Are you kidding?

It's this Italian spot. They do incredible meatballs.

[audience screaming with laughter]

[audience clapping]

These guys, though, they are from Italy.

I mean, they couldn't be more from Italy if they tried.

[in stereotypical New York accent] Wait. Do I hear another New Yorker over there?

Sure you do, pal.

Oh, shit.

What's going on?

It's Sal, Sal Galloni.

Hey, Sal. It's me, Frankie Boops.

[audience cackling]

Frankie Boops? I know youse.

Hey, what's going on, man?

Robert De Niro.

Bobby D! Bobby D, baby!

Bobby D is a fucking hero. Give me a break.

Anyway, uh...

Uh... [stammers] we work for the TSA. [Ben laughs]

That's right.

We work for the TS...

We both took our break at the same time.

That means nobody's really protecting anybody right now.

And let me tell you...

Both Boops and I... we love this new comedy column in The New York Times.

I am reading it right now. The pictures are fucking hilar...

The pictures are like when Scott Brosius was fucking batting in the Yankee lineup.

[audience cheers] You know what I mean?

Oh, they hit harder than Mark Messier when he won the '94 Stanley Cup with the Rangers.

Nice.

Better than John Starks over Michael Jordan in the playoffs.

Better than... Don't use hockey!

Better than...

Better than... when...

Jay-Z bought the Brooklyn Hoops.

[audience cackles]

Hey, you had a nice roll going there.

Anyway... Pretty good, pretty good.

[in normal voice] Okay. Okay.

Sorry, buddy. I forgot you were shitting in between us.

No, it's fine. It's just...

I didn't know The New York Times had a comedy column.

Dude, I'll slip it to you. It's fucking hilarious.

Oh, yeah? It is fucking hilarious.

My friend was trying to get into The New York Times.

He was pissed because he had to go... I don't care about your life.

[audience giggles]

You know what I mean? [chuckles]

[laughing loudly]

Anyway, enjoy that. I'm done.

I've got to go TSA. These are hilarious.

I gotta go TSA.

I gotta go get a fucking warm pretzel on the corner. [chuckles]

Hey, take care, man.

[in stereotypical New York accent] Hey, you remember to pull up your pants?

Woopsie do!

[audience laughs]

Woopsie do!

Hey, quick question.

Did you wipe? Not yet, my man.

Out of sight!

That's how we do it. New York!

If you can make it here, man...

You can make it anyplace else. Yep!

That's good for copyright for this special. [chuckles]

[audience giggles]

[in normal voice] Fuck! God! [in normal voice] Oh, man.

Oh, my God. Fuck!

Ah! Shit!

[sighs]

Is that the...

Sorry, man, I just see... Is that The Times down there?

Oh, yeah. I guess some of the pages fell out.

Yeah.

I, uh, I take pictures for it.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Um... Oh, man. Hey, do you take pictures of this comedy column?

Because it's hilarious. Yeah. It's me, actually.

Are you sure? Because I'd probably recognize your voice.

You're my best friend.

[audience cackles]

Are you fucking serious?

Sawson? No, am I Sawson?

[audience roars with laughter]

Am I?

Yeah, you're Sawson.

Kyle!

[Ben chuckles]

So, describe the photo I'm looking at that I think is so funny.

You're probably looking at the one where it's like a kid in the corner, but he's slipping on a banana peel.

And this happened in, uh...

[stammers] Norway. Yeah. That's in Norway. [chuckles]

Yeah.

The war-torn country of Norway.

When will those guys sort things out? When will we figure that out?

When will we figure those guys out? When will we figure that thing out?

So... How's your thing going?

Man, you're not gonna believe this, man. Tell me.

I'm going overseas.

I'm shipping out.

What are you talking about? I'm shipping out to Norway, but I'm not taking hilarious comedy photos.

I'm taking intensely graphic, engaging photos of their... civil war?

[audience giggles]

The Norwegian Civil War.

The East versus the West.

The East versus the West of Norway? Yeah.

Norway is a very long...

Yeah. ...north-south country.

I know. It's crazy. It's right down the middle.

We're splitting this thing. Yeah.

Yeah, man, I mean... [laughing out loud]

It's crazy. Yeah.

[laughing]

Yeah, man.

Hey, can I tell you something? Yeah.

I don't know if I wanna be a photographer.

What are you talking about?

I don't think I ever wanted to be a photographer.

[grunts]

[audience giggles]

Did you ever think at the beginning of this process, "Do you actually want to do this?"

Well, yeah. I mean... [stammers] I like taking photos.

What's... What's changed?

Everybody takes photos now.

It's on your phone. Everybody's taking photos.

Yeah, but lighting, composition... uh, uh... [stutters] Canon 5D.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, that is a type of camera.

[audience cackles]

[sighs] Well, uh... here's your work. Huh.

Yeah. I don't need it. I took it, so...

[audience giggles]

I just think I'm disappointing...

[audience roars with laughter]

Is that how you wipe in real life?

[woman laughs]

[audience laughing continues]

I give it a spit sometime.

[man groans] How do you wipe in real life? For real.

I just showed you. No.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

How big did it start as, just so I know?

I get so much pride out of efficiently and carefully folding my TP...

I can't tell you.

[audience cackling]

All right, man.

[sighs]

I guess I'll... Look at us...

I guess we both got what we wanted and... it's not really, in the end, what we needed.

[audience laughs]

Yeah, it feels like...

[audience roars with laughter]

[rounds of howling laughter]

Yeah, man.

Um...

[Ben chuckles]

[audience laughing continues]

It feels like in the end, it's like...

[sighs]

Maybe we didn't know what we wanted. Maybe we were young and just went after a job we think was something we wanted, but in the end, it's not that way at all.

Is that... is that the moral of the story for this fucking guy?

[audience roars with laughter]

Well, it's my... That's my story.

I don't know what you feel. I tell you what.

I mean...

[audience laughs]

[sighs] This may seem crazy. No, it's not going to seem crazy.

If you're not that into it, or it could be just the subject matter.

Maybe you didn't actually like taking photos of goofs, silly things, people slipping on banana peels.

"What does doodies sound like?"

Maybe you need something real.

Like what? Real emotion.

It's funny, actually, that's what Timothy III wants more than anything.

I want to capture the real emotion.

I want what you have.

Taking funny pictures of people that are in trouble? [chuckles]

Okay.

Go. Tell me we what you're thinking.

Crazy. I fucking love it. Go! We're in JFK.

[audience cackles]

From this point on...

I assume your identity.

How are we gonna do that? I cease to be Kyle... and I become Sawson. Sawson.

And then I stop being Sawson...

You become Kyle. Great.

I take your kid. He likes me better anyway.

So far, I love this.

I'm taking photos of jokes and funnies.

Yeah, and I get to take photos of Timothy III being emotional.

Okay, well...

No one's going to really buy it. I mean, we look kind of different.

I know, but we haven't really given ourselves characteristics that make it seem different.

[audience giggles]

[in stereotypical New York accent] I can perform an ancient ritual to switch bodies.

[audience cackles, claps]

I'm a fucking asshole. I make a big fucking ball of it.

I don't care. Fuck it.

Paper comes from fucking wherever I want. There's no consequences of my action.

I'll just do a big old fucking thing and wipe once, and then do another one, and wipe it again.

That's what I do. That's what I do. Yeah, that fucking... Who cares?

Who cares? There's no consequences.

It doesn't fucking matter. We're all gonna drown in plastic anyway.

Eleven years. Eleven years, that's what the UN says.

Anyway...

[audience laughs, claps]

What a twist for the New Yorker.

I'm not a... I am a New Yorker. Hey. Come here. Come here.

What do we have to do for the body thing?

Hold on. [chuckles]

Yeah. Fuck it. Who cares?

I'm that guy.

I just pat it once, throw it fucking wherever.

And I use this because energy's fucking free.

[audience cackles]

I didn't think that New Yorkers were assholes until this moment.

Alright, in order to perform the ancient body-switching ritual...

I can't believe you know this.

Of course I know it. I'm from Queens. You're from Queens... Okay.

What do we have to do?

Embody... the form of a gazelle.

[audience laughing]

I, um... I don't want... I don't want to.

You must embody the form of a gazelle.

It is the only... animal that lets people switch bodies.

Just do it. Come on, just do it.

Just do it. Just do it. [in normal voice] Alright. I'm fine.

[in stereotypical New York accent] Good. Good.

Look at each other right in the eyes.

Yeah, look at each other.

Now, one of you turn around.

[audience laughs]

Please, man.

I got fucked last time.

[in normal voice] You did get fucked. Yeah.

Okay, so you know what it's like. You can do it again.

I know.

You don't know if he's going to make us fuck?

Yeah, so turn around. Go for it.

Rock paper scissors, shoot. One.

Okay? One and done?

That's it. It goes: Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Okay. Okay?

Whoa! Is that what you're going to do? No!

Okay. Ready? Okay.

Here we go. I think I know what you'll do.

Okay. Because of what you threw down.

I'm almost certain I can get this. Ready? Okay.

I'm 100% certain I'm going to beat you. Okay.

In real life, I really think I'll beat you.

Okay. For real.

Yeah, I think... I am so certain.

I actually think you will too.

'Cause I think I'm in your head a little bit now.

Yeah. Okay. Ready?

This is probably why I'm going to get fucked.

We're animals. We're not people fucking each other, and it's consent and everything.

Yeah, this is two gazelles consenting...

Yeah. ...who gets to fuck who via a one-and-done rock paper scissors, shoot.

Ready?

Alright. I know you're gonna lose.

[laughs] I for real know.

I think so too.

And I don't know why I'm scared.

It doesn't matter. No.

This has no consequence.

It will be recorded forever. So if you lose, everyone will know.

Everybody knows I'm shit at rock paper scissors.

You can change your answer now.

I'll change mine if you change yours. Tell me if you'll change.

No. Neither was I, you fucking idiot.

Ready? Yeah.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

[audience screaming with laughter]

[audience cheers]

Go on, get it over with!

[in stereotypical New York accent] Whoa! You're not supposed to fuck each other!

What the fuck is going on?

What? What the fuck is going on?

Come on, I got a fucking soft nine. Soft nine?

Not a short, not a long?

Okay.

Now, both you guys look the same way so I can get the energy flowing that way.

What the fuck was that?

We just look the same way? Come on. Yeah, that's it.

Come on, Hudson River. Let's go. Are we still gazelles?

You're a gazelle. Get down on the fucking ground, man.

I don't know. Here we go.

Dude, you were gonna fuck me, man.

[in normal voice] I thought that's what you wanted.

I didn't want any of this!

[in stereotypical New York accent] Hey, George Washington Bridge!

[audience cackling]

Okay. Alright.

What? We're at the George Washington Bridge?

No, I'm just saying New York things. FDR Drive.

Remember when it was the 1-9?

Okay. Turn around, look that way.

Look that way.

Look that way. You're looking that way. Okay. Here we go.

Where's he lo...? Where am I looking?

Both look that way. Okay.

You gotta stare at the other guy, just like that while he looks that way.

Ready? So, I'm staring at his butt?

Yeah. Okay. Ready? Okay.

Um, okay.

Ah, fucking Big Apple. [chuckles]

Empire State Building.

Fucking Sbarro. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Ah... Whoa...

Bruh...

Whoa! [sighs]

[in normal voice] Where the fuck am I? Where are we?

We're in the JFK men's bathroom. Okay.

[audience laughing]

God you were so... That was great.

I'm... you!

I'm you.

Let's say our names at the same time to see who we think we are.

Wait. Who we were, or who we are now? Who we are now.

One, two, three. Sawson. Kyle.

Yes!

Great!

[audience clapping, cheering]

Where you going?

But I... Just to refresh...

I'm actually Sawson.

Correct. Who's now Kyle.

And my desire as Sawson was to do comedy.

Yes. Okay.

Yeah, but was stuck doing... Okay.

No.

[audience giggles]

No. No.

I want to do... I thought I wanted to do comedy. Now I want to... No.

Kyle... Kyle got the interview at...

Weekend Is All Happy.

Kyle got that interview. Now, he's not... Kyle doesn't want to.

He was on his way, the one who first sat down at JFK.

So, Kyle wanted Sawson's body... Yes.

...because Sawson...

Fuck. What?

Okay. Ready?

Kyle... How did we lose this?

Uh, no, we're great! We're great!

Kyle was sitting right there.

Right? Yeah.

Kyle was... He was about to go on a plane and take pictures of emotions.

Right? But did he want to?

No. Okay.

Kyle wanted to do what Sawson was doing. Sawson wanted to do what Kyle was doing.

Okay. So, Kyle now...

And Saw... [stammers] Ready? So, Kyle...

Kyle has turned into Sawson.

Right? I'm Sawson now because of that.

And now, because of that, I'm going to do what Kyle wanted.

Which was?

Which was the opposite of what... [laughs]

[both laugh]

So, wait. So, wait.

Okay, hold on.

I am Sawson. No, I am Kyle.

But I am Sawson within Kyle.

[audience giggles]

And I want to take comedy photos.

That's it. Yeah.

That's it. And you're... um, Kyle within Sawson. Yes.

And you wanna go take dramatic, overseas, emotional photos.

That's right. So your name is?

Your outer name. Kyle. I'm Kyle.

Oh, outer name is Kyle. My inner name is Sawson.

[both laugh] [audience roars with laughter]

This is the problem... Hello, my outer name is Kyle, but my inner name is Sawson, and I want to take comedy photos.

My inner name is Kyle, and my outer name is Sawson, and I want to take dramatic people.

[in stereotypical New York accent] Thanks for sharing your stories, gentlemen.

By the way, if we're wrong, this is the only time in our career that it's on tape, so people will know if we're wrong or not.

I think you guys are right. Okay.

Nice to meet you, man.

[blows lips] What the fuck?

[audience cackles, claps]

[in normal voice] Alright, man, I guess this is so long.

Let's see if we can pull this off.

Hey, if we pull this off... meet me at the top of the Empire State Building. [chuckles]

Hey. Of course.

Because you know what?

You know what happens in 10 years?

Do you remember what happens in 10 years? Yeah.

We take photos... together.

[audience laughs, claps]

Thanks. That's our show!

[audience cheers] [upbeat music plays]

[audience cheering]

[cheering intensifies]

[music continues]

♪ 'Cause you're too cool Leopard print dress ♪

♪ Need to confess Don't waste more time ♪

♪ And let's go out tonight ♪

♪ Branded under satellite ♪

♪ Look cool ♪

♪ To stay full ♪

[song ends]