Midnight Madness (1980) Script

[Dramatic music playing]

[Disco song playing]

WOMAN: Come see how good a night can be Are you ready for the brand new game?

CHORUS: A brand new game WOMAN: Come take a chance and play with me And you're never gonna be the same When midnight madness Starts to get to you Doesn't matter what you say Doesn't matter what you do You gotta play Just when you think you've had your fun And you're ready to say good night CHORUS: Don't say good night WOMAN: You'll find the fun has just begun

'Cause the game's gonna last all night When midnight madness Starts to get to you Doesn't matter what you say Doesn't matter what you do You gotta play

When midnight madness Starts to get to you Doesn't matter what you say Doesn't matter what you do You gotta play

Just when you think you've had your fun And you're ready to say good night CHORUS: Don't say good night WOMAN: You'll find the fun has just begun

[Honking horn]

'Cause the game's gonna last all night When midnight madness Starts to get to you Doesn't matter what you say Doesn't matter what you do Whoa-oh-oh-oh When midnight madness Starts to get to you Doesn't matter what you say Doesn't matter what you do Whoa-oh-oh-oh If you can't get the class you want...

Just keep at it.

Sit on the teacher's desk and camp out on his porch.

Do whatever you have to.

No. I couldn't do that.

Look. Flynch. I know you can do it.

[Knock on door]

-Adam Larson? -Yeah?

We've been asked to deliver this to you at this time.

Who's it from?

He prefers to remain anonymous at this time.


Hi. Won't you come in?

What is this?


What does this mean?

The most challenging adventure of my life?

Please be seated.

And we'll get started.

[Music playing]

NARRATOR: Since the dawn of time... man has sought amusement and intellectual stimulation... in the form of games.

For centuries man has... improved and perfected countless varieties of games.

But there has not been a major breakthrough until tonight.

You have been invited to participate in this glorious event.

And now it is time to meet the person... who has made all of this possible.

[Fanfare plays]

ALL: Leon?

Please! Hold your applause.

Allow me to explain why I've gathered you all here.

The five of you are invited-- more accurately. Challenged-- to compete in my latest creation--

The Ultimate Game... which I call The Great All-Nighter.

Each of you will act as a team captain... and select your own crew to participate in the game... which will be played in the following manner--


LEON: At the onset... each team will be given a complicated clue... which, when solved. will lead them... to a location somewhere in the city.

Once there, the team must use its skill and wit... to obtain the next clue.

That clue leads them to the next location... and so forth.

The game will begin Friday at sunset... and continue on through the night... until one team is the first to arrive... at a final location. the finish line.

There the winning team will receive a trophy... and, more importantly. prove to the other teams... that theirs is the best group of all.


Well, I'll see you all Friday.

Are there any questions?

[All laugh]

DONNA: I can't believe this. I can't believe that I sat...

WESLEY: I've had enough of this. I'm getting out of here.

[All chattering]

-We wasted a Thursday evening. -This whole thing is silly!

[Door slams]

Oh, Leon. You poor thing. After all that work...

They're not interested. They won't to play your game.

Girls, do you think...

I would've spent a year designing this game... without taking every possibility into account?

Those five team captains were selected... after months of careful research.

Believe me, by Friday night... every one of them will be dying to play.


And furthermore. this frivolous pastime... is designed for mindless apes to play.

And then there is the question as to whether... football players belong in an academic institution... in the first place.

Let us be frank. It is certainly no secret... that these mentally deficient. giant, uncivilized vulgarians... care nothing about the nobler pursuits... such as art, music. and library science.

I think I've made myself quite clear.

And if there are any comments from the audience...

Just feel free to toss them right up here.


Who threw that?

[Microphone feeds back]

[Players shouting and laughing]

Hey! You see? This is just what I was talking about!

[Classical music playing]

[Indistinct chattering]


Here, take that one.

I want to get rid of mine. You take that one.

You got a full plate.

Berle, I think we'll finally have more than four members... if we can just pull this off.


ALL: Let's party!

[Yelling and cheering]


Lavitus, that's it! I'll get even with you!

No! Don't leave!

Lavitus. that's the last straw!

I was going to camp out on the teacher's porch... but my mother said the night air would be bad for my asthma.

[Puff, puff]

I can never do anything.

Aw, look. Flynch... is there anything else bothering you... besides schoolwork? You can tell me.

Well, yeah. I guess so.

This is kind of hard for me to talk about.

Well, it's about girls.

Here it is, my first year in college... and I...well...

Flynch, are you trying to tell me... that you're, well, you know, a virgin?

Oh, no. That is, not exactly.

You see. I've never had a date.

Look, Flynch... you could be a regular Burt Reynolds.

No, I can tell. You've got that look about you.

You go out and get yourself a date... and I guarantee your schoolwork will improve, too.

Gee, I don't know.

Come on, Flynch. you can do it.

You stand up and face life.

You go for the gusto.

Remember, never walk away from a challenge.

And when it comes to women. there's nothing to it.

You just be confident.


Hi! Adam.

Hi! Laura.

Adam, I've been meaning to talk to you about something.

How long have we been working together?

Oh, heh. I don't know.

Five or six weeks.

And in all that time. I think you've been doing... a really terrific job as a counselor.

But what I want to know is... why don't you follow your own advice?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Leon's game. The Great All-Nighter.

It sounds like fun. Why don't you do it?

I don't know. I've been pretty busy.

Adam, are you really that busy... or are you afraid you just won't do well?

What about going for the gusto?

What about never walking away from a challenge?

If you really believe all that. why don't you prove it?

If not, it would be like letting down... all the freshmen you've ever advised.

Hey, what am I doing sitting around here?

The game's only three days away.

I gotta get transportation. get up a team, and...

[Dramatic music playing]

I thought you'd never ask.


[Vase rattles]


Harold, stop stuffing yourself!

You don't need all that.





Accidento! Cleano up-a messo. OK?



Stop teasing the maid and get in there!

I want to talk to you!




Harold, you lazy slob. you never do anything.

Why don't you get off your lazy butt and do something?

But, Dad...

Come on.

I want you to enter... that Leon's Great All-Nighter. you hear me?

But, Dad...

Don't "But, Dad" me!

[Muffled giggling]

You know. Bill Larson's boy Adam... is going to be competing in the game... and I don't want you upstaged by him again.

Why, that boy--

Harold, look at me when I'm talking to you!

Adam is such a successful enterprising young man!

Why can't you be more like him?

Dad, I'm not Adam.

Why don't you just look at me for what I am?


Now, you're entering Leon's game and that's final!

But, Dad!

No, thanks. Adam.

I was planning to work on my jeep all weekend.

That's OK, Marvin.

I mean. now that I think of it... we need to find someone with a really hot car.

Hey! What do you mean?

What do you call this?

Oh, your Jeep?

I'm sure it was all right in its day... but I don't know.

My jeep can outclass any new car on the road!

Pick you up on Friday at 5:00.

And not only that... but the game's a perfect chance to get back at Adam.


It's because of him that my dad's always on my case.

Sounds good... but what makes you so sure we can win?


[Harp playing]


Just a little present from my father.

[Lucille squeals]

[Opener clanks]


It's got a turbo-charged engine... observation bubble, telephone... everything we need.

And best of all, this baby right here!

Solve any clue in five seconds flat.

Your dad bought you all this stuff?

Boy, if you don't win that game. he's gonna kill you.

Don't worry! We'll win!

You guys just meet me here Friday night.

And in conclusion, this can be our chance to finally show... those football gorillas how real men compete!

Wesley is right!

Especially after what those guys did to us at the debate!

-All in favor? -Aye!

Motion carried! [Bang]




I don't know, Lavitus.

I think we have better things to do on a Friday night.


Yeah. Just why the hell should we bother?


Well, gentlemen. I'll give you one good reason.

What a nerd!

ALL: We're in!


And that's why we've got to enter that game!

If Lavitus and his animals decide to play...

I want to be there and beat them!

Oh, count me in!

I'd like to get back at those moron jocks!

Right! Peggy and Lulu. how about you?


[Door rattles]

What you doing, Harold?

Ah, Lucille has an idea I'm supposed to be... on a new diet starting tomorrow.

Oh. An all-marshmallow diet?

Come on, Melio.

You know I can't go all night without food.


Just need an emergency stash. that's all.



Come on, Melio. Give me a break, huh?

Don't tell Lucille.

My lips are sealed.

Well, buddy...

[Yawns] Getting kind of late.

-Oh, yeah. -Mmm.

I think you should go home.

I mean. thanks for stopping by.

-Sweet dreams. -Thanks.

[Bag rustles]




Marvin'll pick us up at your house in half an hour.

Come on, let's go!

Yeah, but, you know. having four or five people... on our team would be a lot better.

I just wish we could find one more guy.


You'll never believe it! I finally got a date.

She's right outside the door.

Hey, no kidding, Don Juan. That's great.

Did you get the date all by yourself?

Not exactly. My mother fixed me up.


Super, Flynch. but we got to get going.

I just stopped by to see if you had any ideas... of where we might be able to go.

[Door squeaks]

You're coming with us. Come on!

But what about my date?

Believe me, Flynch. you'll thank us in the morning.

LAURA: Yeah!

Now that we're all here. we can begin.

Candy and Sunshine and I will be running the game... from my apartment. henceforth to be known... as "Game Control."

We'll be plotting your progress on the game map.

You must phone in from each clue location... so that we can keep track of you at all times.


It is now sunset.

Candy and Sunshine will distribute the first clue.

[Low muttering]

LEON:: "The sea is reversed:

"S.S. Itari is mixed up and blind:


Well, teams, good luck.

I'll see you at the finish line.

Wherever that may be.


All right, men, huddle up.

OK. Blaylak, Cudzo. Gerber. Armpit... we've always been the best offensive line there is... and tonight we're going to uphold that tradition.

Because who are we?

M-e-a-t M-a-c-h-i-n-e!

Meat Machine! Meat Machine!

All right, break!

All right, men, let's go!

ALL: Right!

DONNA: Come on! Get in, get in!

Figure out that clue! Get in!

[Twins giggling]

Come on, we'd better go.

Hey, wait a second. Flynch!

Hey, come on, Flynch.

But my mother's going to kill me.

-Will you come on? -Flynch!

[Cheering and shouting]

[Tires screech]

Let's take this clue one piece at a time.

What's the first sentence?

FLYNCH: "The sea is reversed."

Well, OK, that could be the ocean or the beach.

But it says the sea is reversed.

Maybe that means we should go away from the beach.

[Sighs] Tch.

I've got it! I've got it!

"The sea is reversed"... means to take the words "the sea" and reverse them.

That way you get...

"Sea the!"

Yeah, but what's the second part of the clue?

"S.S. Itari is mixed up and blind."

-Huh. -Mr. Chairman... regarding the portion "S.S. Itari is mixed up"...

I move that mixed up means the letters in the word...

"S.S. Itari" are scrambled up.

Very good. but the clue says...

"S.S. Itari is mixed up and blind."

What does he mean by blind?

Well, that's the simple part.

Blind means to...

To take out its eyes. "I's!" You get it?

-You get it? -Yeah!


There are two I's in the word "S.S. Itari."

Take the I's out! Take the I's out!

She's right! That leaves s-s-t-a-r.

And that unscrambles to form the word...

Uh, stars?

You're right!

-Yeah! -Hurrah!

Blaylak, way to go!

Put everything together. the clue reads...

"Sea the stars."

And there's only one place I know... you can see every star there is!

The Wax Museum!

A map to the stars' homes!

The stars on Hollywood Boulevard!

The Stargate Disco!

[Tires screeching]

[Horns honking]

LUCILLE: Come on, Harold. Let's go!

All the other teams are way ahead of us!

MELIO: Yeah, Harold! What are you waiting for?





Well, I suppose we may as well get going.

We don't want to make it too late of a night, do we?


Let's see...


Now, watch this.



TV: The weather sevice forecast for all of...

RADIO: 6L-15...

MAN: Traffic situation for Los Angeles 6:00 report.

There has been a serious accident... involving a tomato truck and several smaller vehicles... blocking the freeway...

[Static squeals]

[Voices overlapping]



I thought it was coming from here.

[Noise stops]

When all of my tenants started to complain...

I knew it had to be you... you...you...student!

Now. Mrs. Grimhouse. I--

Don't give me any of your fast college talk, buster.

I'm sick to death of your mess and your noise.

You know what I have here?

Your eviction papers.

And I intend to use them... if I hear one more complaint about you.

So you just better watch your step.

LEON: Hey!



Hey, you know. maybe the numbers are addresses.

LAURA: The names are numbered on this map.

Maybe it means longitude and latitude.

LAURA: Oh, come on.

ADAM: This is a little map. It's just the streets here.

I don't see any longitude.

FLYNCH: Yeah, but why don't we try La Cienega?

[Crickets chirping]

Hey, Armpit!

What were those numbers on that clue again?


36, 37, 38!

Let's see, this started exactly 38 feet from the corner... it's the 22nd from the east and the 23rd from the west.

You guys think that means anything?

Perhaps it's in code.

4, 5, 6, 7, 8...

-Say... -9, 10...

Eleven! Hey. how'd you like to--Ooh!


Where were we?

I don't know, I lost count.

I wonder if Peggy and Lulu are having any better luck.


What can I say?

I need someone new Someone who's not afraid to love me I pray to the stars above me That someone will come along But it's you, baby who...

Hello, Leon ? This is Hanrold.

Just thought I'd let you know... that I already solved your difficult clue.

We're already at the Observatory.

Game's too easy, Leon.

We'll be at the finish line in about an hour.

[Hangs up]

[Radios overlapping]


Well, sure is a clear night anyway.

You can even see the stars.

What did you say?

I said you can even see the star--

Hey, that's it!

We've been thinking about the wrong kinds of stars!

Ha ha ha!

[Tires squeal]

Marvin, you sure those numbers are telescope settings?

Yeah, but where's the telescope?

Hey, you guys, look! In the periscope!

ADAM: Aw, great.

Come on, you guys. over here!

There it is.

Excuse me, but do you mind... if I take a quick peek through there?

No way, Josť! I was here first.


I'm sorry. but this is very important.


What's the matter with you? My kid's studying Venus.

It's for his term paper.

[Music playing]


Come on, keep looking.

That clue's got to be around here someplace.

If I'm lucky, I may be able to get a view of Venus' two moons.

[Shouting echoing]

They're getting closer!

Come on, guys. Let's check out that other room.

Hey, Lavitus!

Come take a look at this thing, will you?

Hey, Armpit, be careful!

I am being careful, OK?

[Glass breaks]

Hey, Einstein. Isn't Venus over there?

Well, son, you want to let me have a look?

Dad, let's go look at the magnetic exhibit.

Magnetic exhibit. [Sighs]

Hey, Flynch, remind me to bring you back here... when we have more time.

Marvin, would you turn this to the right setting?

OK, go ahead.

Now, 22-43-68.

ADAM: Easy.

Easy now.

Hey, I found it!

"To unlock the next clue...

"find the 8800 keys!"

-Hey, all right! -Ha ha ha!


Hey, what are you doing with that telescope?

Telescope? Oh, this?

Don't waste your time, you guys.

We've already checked out everything in this room.


Listen, why don't you go check downstairs?

-And we'll meet you-- -I got a better idea.

Why don't you guys go check downstairs?

OK. Lavitus, if you insist.

After you, Marvin.


[Telescope whirs]

Who do you think you're dealing with here?

Out of here!

Meet you down there. See you downstairs.

Go! Go!

This is it!

[Talking and laughing]

I never looked through one of these things before.

This here's big, isn't it?

You see the moon?

[Music playing]

Hey, Lavitus, what is it?


[Telephone rings]

Hello? Game Control.

-Hi. Donna! -There!

Thanks, Leon, the Red Team's at the Observatory.

[Knock on door]

I'll get it.


[Radios blaring]

Leon. we can hardly hear the TV... with all the noise that's coming from up here!

Just what's going on?

Mr. Thorpe! I'm very sorry about all the noise.

Won't you come in?

[Radios blaring]

Welcome to Game Control.

I don't know what this is. but you'd better--

Look! A strategy board!

Wally, Edna, it's just like I was telling you!

During the war, when I worked for the government...

I worked on the strategy board.

Leon, what is going on?

At this very moment, there are five teams...


LUCILLE: Honeybuns. what are you doing?



Harold, are you eating?

Are you sure you don't have any food in there?

Come on!

You know Lucille just can't wait... for her wittle Harold to lose his wittle spare tire.

Then maybe this summer...

Harold can take his shirt off at the beach! Huh?


Hey, Harold. look what Melio can do!


Would you idiots get up and help me find the stupid clue?

Hey, Adam, doesn't that kid look like your brother?

That is my brother!

Hey! Hey, Scott. what are you doing out here?

Trying to get me in trouble?

It's a good thing Mom and Dad are still out of town.

They'd really be mad at me if they knew you were out here.

I'm responsible for you.

San Francisco?

[Jeep honks]

If I weren't right in the middle of something...

I'd take you back home this minute.

But for now, you'll just have to come along with us!


Where the hell is the clue?


[Playing piano]

[Organ plays]

[Music swells]

[Harpsichord plays]

LUCILLE: I found it! I found the clue!

[Music stops]

Well, what's it say?

This note's an "A"... that's a "B."

Then there's an A-A-G-F-E-F-E-E!

Oh! It's all scrambled up.

What's it mean, honeybuns?

How should I know?

That's why my dad gave me a computer!

[Tires squealing]



Oh! Excuse me, Adam. My hand must have slipped.

Ha ha ha!

[Players yelling]

Come on, we'd better hurry!

Aren't you coming, Scott?

This game is stupid.

Who cares about it anyway?


[Static] There.

[Clicking] There.


There! There! There!

-Gimme that! -Aah! Harold!

-Harold! -Ow!

[Low conversations]

Hey. guys! Look!

[Playing notes]

Wait a second. I'd know that song anywhere.

I got Pabst Blue Ribbon on my mind It's the Pabst Blue Ribbon beer song!

The next clue must be at the Pabst brewery!

ALL: Thanks. Blaylak!


CHORUS: Pabst Blue Ribbon Ohhh Pabst Blue Ribbon It's beautiful.

Ohhh Ohh Come on, guys. Let's go.

Whoo! It's getting cold.

Adam, are you sure minors are allowed in there?

Flynch, sometimes I don't believe you.

Are you going to be like this all your life?

The only way to get anywhere in life is to have confidence.

So, come on, let's go in there and win this game.


-Ha ha! -Yeah!

[Giggling] Yeah!

There's fun stuff!

And eating!


BOTH: Ooh!

Oh, no, there they go!


That's it! This is the last time... we're going through this with the two of them!

Harold, how long do you intend to keep driving around... without knowing where we're going?

Barf, have you unscrambled those letters yet?

Faga beefe?

Faga beefe. [Laughs] Melio, faga--

Shut up!

Ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the cool... refreshing world of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

Watch your step and follow me, please.

The very first step in the brewing process...



Come on. Over here.

P.A... Got Blue Ribbon on my mind

2.4 million bottles a day are filled... with refreshing, ice-cold. frosty Pabst Blue Ribbon.


No! Unh! [Sobbing]

No, please! [Crying]

And I'll be your tour guide for this evening.

We're very pleased to have you here at the Pabst brewery.

As soon as we're all here, we can begin.

Now, is everyone ready to go?

[Carnival music playing]

Berle, look!

They must have gone that way!

Now, down below us are the refrigeration tanks... and each vat contains 60.000 refreshing gallons... of cold, foamy, delicious... thirst-quenching Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.


In these mighty vats... the beer is in its most delicious state.

This way, please.

Ha ha! Waa-hah!



Hey, sir. I said it's not for me... it's for my brother and his friends.

Hey, mellow out.

[Whistle blowing]

It's Scott!

What? Let me go! [Grunting]

-I'll handle this. -Let me go!

ADAM: Hey, what's going on ?

Hold it a second! Hey, wait a minute!

Excuse me, Officer...Palmer.

I'm sure we can work this out.

You see, that's my little brother.

-Oof! -Ow!

Well, Scott. I hope you're satisfied.

Now we'll never find the clue.



It's Leon.

It's the clue!

FLYNCH: "Mr. Carson's obese male child"?

What kind of clue is that?

Mr. Carson?

Mr. Cars--Who's Mr. Carson?

Johnny Carson?

LAURA: Johnny's obese male child?

Hold it a second.

Johnny's obese male child!

-Johnie's... -Fat boy!

Johnie's Fat Boy Burgers!

-Oh, yeah! -It's on Wilshire Boulevard!

LUCILLE: You guys are never gonna fix that computer.

The other teams are way ahead of us!


We're never gonna win!


Oops! [Crash]

Hey, Harold... can I have the van after your dad kills you?

[Music playing]

There they are.


All right, that's enough fooling around, you guys.

Let's go!

LULU: You guys never want to have any fun!

PEGGY: Yeah!

-Hey. Blaylak! -Hey!

Oh. Jeez.

-Blaylak? -Blaylak!

-I don't see him. -Come on!



Pfft! Ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha! Ohh!

Gee, thanks, Candy. Ha ha ha!

Wally, this is much more fun than watching television.

It sure is, honey.

Isn't this better than watching TV, Mother?

It's so exciting!

WALLY: And it's right here in our own apartment building!

[Banging on door]


Leon, this has got to stop!

The walls here are very, very thin!

You can't--Hi. Wally. You cannot--Wally?

Hey, Jerry, come on in and sit down.

You won't believe what's going on in here.

[Wally laughing]

Come on in, everybody! Ha ha ha!

I'll tell you all about it. Get yourself a stool.

Get a stool and come on over here.

They're playing this terrific game... with all these teams... and the teams keep going from place to place.

-How many teams are there? -Five!

I did it.

HAROLD: Melio.

Melio, wake up.

Are there any cookies left?

No, Harold, there aren't any cookies left!

Harold, you big, fat sneak!

I can't trust you for five minutes!

It's a good thing you have a good friend like Melio... to help you stay on your diet!

BARF: Hey, look!

[Tires squeal]

[Engine revs]

[Tires squeal]


Oh, no!


Hey, what's going on here?


Why. I'm a little elf... and Santa says your truck needs some work... so I'm taking it back to the North Pole.


We're really close, man! I know it!

That little snot!

Just look at him and his team--so happy!

Come on, you guys. I've got an idea.



[Air hissing]

Think I'll just keep this for a little souvenir.

Let's see how far he gets on four flat tires... and one gallon of gas. [Snorts]

Just follow me! I know exactly where we're--

Spread out!

[All talking]

WESLEY: It's gotta be in here some--


Come on, you guys! What are you waiting for?


Ha ha ha!


[All overlapping]

HAROLD: Let me see it!

-Hey! -Whoa!

[Muzak playing]

"Look between the two giant melons."

Damn you, Leon!

What I want to know... is what does Leon mean by "two giant melons"?

[Sighs] Now, let's go over this one more time.

He said. "Look between the two giant--"

I got a feeling we're overlooking something.

What could the two giant melons be?

[Dishes clatter]

Oh, miss? Can we have some more coffee?

Miss! There's a cockroach in my water!


Miss? We had a little accident.

Oh, miss?

-Miss? -Miss?



-Oh! -Oh!



-The necklace! -Yeah!


Hurry! Come on, get it!


Get off of me! Wait!

"Hug me"?

[Gasps] Harold!


WESLEY: Thanks! Keep the change!

LUCILLE: Buy me a doll!


He reminds me of you, honeybuns.

I'll call him Little Harold.


You big cheapskate!


[Sighs] One doll?

OK. "Hug me." "Hug me."

It might be scrambled. What can we make of it?

-He mug! -Gum he!

Mehug! Muheg! Mehgu! Mughe!

Meguh, mhuge, meghu, mughe... gumhe, gehmu, guhem, gehum... hegmu, humeg, hugme, hugem, hegum--

Wait a minute!

Say that last word again.



Huge M!

Huge M?

What's the one place in this city... that has a giant huge "M"?

Wait a minute!

There's a huge letter "M" on the top... of the sign at Miniature Golf World!

-That's it! -Ha ha ha!

I can't believe it! We got all of that from "Hug me."

We'd better get going.


Not my poor tires!


Who would do such a rotten thing?

[Van rumbling]


Oh, my! What have we here?

Four flat tires?

Ohh, how unfortunate.

Hope this doesn't put you out of the game.

Harold, you beached whale...

[Gasps] Oh, my goodness!

Are we losing our temper?

Ha ha ha!

[Tires squeal]

[Horn honks]

Adam, you all right?

Who, me?

I never felt better.

OK, now we can't let them get away with this.

What we need is a plan.

We'll split up.

Marvin, go find a phone. You call the Auto Club.

Flynch, you and I will try to hitch a ride...

-to Miniature Golf World. -Right!

Laura, will you watch the Jeep until Marvin gets back?


And please keep an eye on Scott... make sure he doesn't get in any trouble?


Scott. did you hear that--


There he is!

Oh, I've got a taste for livin'

I'm drinkin' cold Blue Ribbon Blaylak! Blaylak! Are you all right?

Wait a sec!

I got a taste for livin'

This is the happiest day of my life!

I've got Pabst Blue Ribbon On my mind


Well, ladies. I've certainly enjoyed your company... but I'm afraid it's time for me to bid you... good-bye!

Oh, have a nice walk!

Ha ha ha--Unh!

Come on!


Let's go!

[Twins giggling]





How you doing? Come on.



Some people are so mean.

How could they lock him up like this?

It's the pits.

You shouldn't have disappeared like that.

You really had me worried.

Your brother, too.

My brother? Huh. Tell me about it.

Scott, Adam cares about you.

Yeah, sure he does.

He doesn't even know I exist.

Forgot all about my birthday.

When's your birthday?


[Crickets chirping]


[Engine sputtering]

[Horns honking]

Look, there it is!

[Loud chatter]


WALLY: Look who's here!

Hi! How are you, everybody!

OK, everybody!

The odds on the green team now are eight to one... that they won't even finish.

Who wants to bet an exacta on the first two teams... to reach Miniature Golf World?

OK, thank you, Donna. Good-bye.

Good-bye...is right.

Say good-bye to your apartment, Mr. Wise Guy.

I told you if I had one more complaint...

I'd use these eviction papers.

Well, there's the complaints... and there's the door.

[Radios blaring]

Excuse me. Mrs. Grimhouse, but...

Does anyone have any complaints?

No. [Murmuring]



[Horns honking]

And I'm tired of making poached eggs every morning.

Other husbands like their eggs scrambled... or soft-boiled. but no...not you!

Let's stop kidding ourselves, Flynch.

We might as well give up.


I can't believe what I just heard, Adam.

You give up?

You've been my inspiration.

What--what about having a positive attitude?

What about never walking away from a challenge?

Unh! Come on, this is getting us nowhere.

Flynch, what are you doing?

[Horn honking]


[Tires screech]

[Radio playing]


-Where you going? -Miniature Golf World.

Sorry, we're not going that way.

Don't worry. You'll love it.

-Whatever! -Really!

[Girls laughing]

Over here!

"Play a round of golf.

"Somewhere you will find the clue.

"No cheating. You must play the entire round.

"Do not go directly to the 18th hole."

Come on! Let's go to the 18th hole!

You moron! Can't you follow instructions?


Listen, you want to win, don't you?

Now, come on!

Oh, well, guys, we played a good game.

Even if we never did find that clue.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

I'm gonna be sick!

Get him off of me!

I think I'm gonna be sick!

[Tires squealing]



Hey! Look who's here!

All right, men, halftime's over.

We're back in the game!

Ha ha!

M-e-a-t M-a-c-h-i-n-e!

Meat Machine! Meat Machine!

-Yeah! -Ha ha ha!

Come on, will you?

[Radio playing]

-Thanks! -Sure!




Thank you, ladies.

-Sure! -Bye.

-Bye! -Bye-bye!

Like you said, when it comes to women... you have to have confidence.

[Sighs] Come on.

Give me some room!

Told you so.

Read it out loud.


"Dear team. I told you not to cheat.

"Now, if you want to f-find the clue...

"you have to go back and start all over.

"Love, Leon.

"P.S. You lost your ball."

-Get out of my way! -Ha ha ha ha!

[Horn beeps]


I--I thought we'd never get here.

[Whispering] Confidence.

I'm glad you did.

Leon says we have to play a round of golf.

Don't forget. You have to pay again, honeybuns.

Hey, Harold. Look over there.

Come on, Adam. You got it.

Good. Come on!


[Children arguing]

Oh, great!


Oh, Adam. I've played this hole before.

There's three tunnels up on the top.

Now, you don't want to put it in the left one... because the ball will come out on the side.

If you put it down the right one... it goes down this curved thing and--

Scott, will you please be quiet?

I'm trying to concentrate.

[People arguing]


Scott! Why do you persist in making my life miserable?

Will you please just stay out of my way?

Fore! Hoo hoo hoo!

Out of my way. Poindexter. We're playing through.

All right, let's do it now.

Let's go!


You got it! Ha ha ha!

-Come on, man! -You got it now!

Blaylak! That ball's in our way.

I'll get rid of it.

WESLEY: Hey, wait just a minute!

I object! Is this the only way... you slabs of meat know how to handle anything?

Can't you guys ever act civilized... and work things out on an intellectual level?


Hey, you know, fellas. Wesley's absolutely right.


I mean, we should be ashamed of ourselves.



Sir, may I have the floor?


The chair recognizes Armpit.

I move that we refer this matter to another committee.

-Ha ha ha! -All in favor?

-Aye! -Aye!


-Ha ha ha! -Mwah!

Aw, those guys!

[Yelling and whining]

Where the hell is that clue?

God, I wish there was some way we could win!

-Hey! -What?

You're two under par.

If you keep this up. you get a free game.

You idiot.


Come on, Lavitus! Send it down!

-Yeah! -Whoo!


Look at that!

-Wow! -Yeah!

All right!

[Fanfare plays]

Got it!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

[Cheering and yelling]

ALL: Whoa!

All right!

[Tires squeal]

MARVIN: What is it with Leon and musical instruments?

First it's pianos and now xylophones.

"Look at xylophones initially."

[Horn honks]

[Gasps] That's it!


The secret to this clue is the word "initially."

You have to look at the initials of the words.

L.A.X.-- that's the abbreviation... for the L.A. International Airport.

-Come on, Marvin. Let's go. -But what about 5:30 A.M.?

We'll figure it out on the way!

[Engine sputtering]

MARVIN: We're out of gas!

[Laughing and honking]

Hey, you guys, stop following us!

That's not fair!

Aw, shove it, you big ape!

OK, guys, we gotta figure out the rest of this clue.

Now, what's 5:30 A.M. mean?

5:30 in the morning?

Nah, it's only 2:30 now.

"Airport info, 5--"

Shut up, Barf, and help me figure out the clue!

Of course, 5:30 AM!

We found it, men! Turn on your radios!

RADIO: And there is limited five-minute parking... in the green zone.

Bus service is available near the west entrance--


LEON: Greetings, teams. This is Leon!

In case I've got you running around in circles... you might want to know that the clue can be found... in terminal number three.

P.A... Flight 711 now arriving from New York.


Please, gentlemen, accept our humble literature.


Leave us alone! What's the matter with you lunatics?

Please, take a brochure. It is free.


We don't want any of your humble literature!

You guys better get out of our way!

Stand back, men!

All right, we'll take one!

Come on, men!

Hello, Leon? This is Irving.

Your first team was just by here.

Yeah. Bunch of skinny kids with glasses.

How's everything at Game Control?

[Whistles] Hi!

Nah. Nobody else has shown up yet.

Flight 713 now arriving from New York.


[Jingling] Let's go!

Come on.

Blade, will you come on?


Please, sir, won't you accept our--

Get out of my way!


Flight 713 now arriving...

OK, let's try splitting up.

Laura and I'll go this way, you guys try that way.



Adam, there's something I want to talk to you about.


It's about your brother.

Adam, he's not such a bad kid once you get to know him.

Scott? You haven't been living with him... for fifteen years like I have.

All he ever does is cause trouble... and do things he knows will make me mad.

That's just the point. He's only doing all that... so that you'll give him some attention.



[Men chanting "Hare Krishna"]

Get away, get away.

Please, sir, won't you reconsider...

-Leave me alone! -and accept our literature?

It is said. "he who does not--"

I said, leave me alone, Kojak!

Boy, Harold, have a cow, why don't you?

Hey, look, it's a picture of Leon!

[Dramatic music playing]

[Girl screams]

ADAM: "His holiness says: 'you're off your rocker...

"'if you don't look inside the locker."'

It's a locker!

[All scream]

[Horn honking]

Look out!

Look out!

[All chattering]


Will you give me that?

Heh. It's easy.

Well, what is it?

It's a lookout off some road or something.

It means...

Cherry Point.

How'd you get that?

Well, there's one of a chair.

That's a chair.

One of an "E."

That's "E."

Now, the pin-- that's "point."


Cherry point.

What about the ball?


You idiot!

Of course.

Pin...ball... sit..."E."

Pinball city!

All right!

[Pinball machines bleeping]

Hey, everyone! Over here!

Hey, come on!

What's up, Flynch?

The bearded lady. [Laughs]

[Dramatic music plays]

Cute, Leon. Very cute.

[Drops coin]




[All cheering]


Now...now! Fire now!

Move it up! Up, up, up, up!

Oh, come on, get it!

Adam, come on!

[All yelling]


ALL: Ohh!

Change, please.

I scared you, didn't I?

Ha ha ha!

Harold, where are you going?

We can't just keep driving around in circles all night.

Let's see, "E"...




Ha ha. Easter bunny.

Easter parade--

-Shut up! -Ha ha ha ha!

[Arcade game bleeping]

Come on, Flynch.

Slow down, you're going too fast.

ALL: Ohh!


Here. Marvin, give it a shot.

MARVIN: OK, I'll try.

ADAM: Take it real easy.

OK. Scott, what's so funny?

You guys are lame.

What do you mean?

I played that machine every Saturday of my life.

-I can win it in one try. -You can? Well, come on.

No way. What do I look like, a nerd or something?

I got some pride, you know.

Scott, I saw what happened at miniature golf.

I'm really sorry.

But now's your chance to show Adam your stuff.

Nobody here can play that game as well as you can.

You can show Adam. You can show all of us.


Great, come on.


Nice try, Marvin. We got four quarters left.

OK, team. We're saved.

Meet the "Star Fire" world champion.

Laura, this is important.

Hey...go to it, champ.

[Music playing]

OK. Ahh!

[All cheering]

FLYNCH: Fire your laser.

You got him! All right!

That's fantastic!

You got him!

LAURA: Whoa!

[All cheer]

Hey, look!

[Music playing]

[Deep voice] Greetings. Earth people.


The finish line is somewhere... in the Bonaventure Hotel.

[All cheer]

All right! We got it!

-Come on! -Great!

Come on, you guys. We gotta get going.

FLYNCH: Let's go!


LAURA: Scott!


Every five minutes. he's gotta cause trouble.

Well, if he wants to leave, let him.

I've had it. Let's go, Marvin.

Adam, don't you realize your brother swallowed his pride... and helped us win that game just so you'd notice?


What are you doing?

[Tires screech]

I'm going after your brother.

He'll be all right.

Come on. We can still win the game.

I'm not driving.

Hey. Flynch. Th-they--

ADAM: You guys are crazy.

[Horn honks]

After all the work we've done...

We can still win the game!

Adam, the game doesn't matter.

Don't you see? Scott's always causing trouble... because that's the only time you ever pay any attention to him.


Right now, your brother needs you.

Needs me?

[Horn honking]

Scott? The only thing he needs me for... is so he can have someone to bother.

And I suppose it's too much bother... for you to remember Scott's birthday!


ALL: We won!


[Music playing]

LEON: Greetings. Earth people.


The finish line is somewhere... in the Bonaventure Hotel.

-The Bonaventure! -The Bonaventure Hotel!

Well, men, think we can keep 'em from beating us to the hotel?


DONNA: All right! The Bonaventure!


Get out of our way, you big slugs.

Girls, you're looking at the Meat Machine.

No one's been able to penetrate our front line... for the last 22 games.

Ha ha ha ha!


-Hey! -Take cover!



ALL: Break!


All right! I think it's time... we all started acting like adults!

Let's all sit down and discuss this calmly... rationally, and intelligently!


-Yaah! -Fire!


[Tires squeal]

HAROLD: All I want to know is where's the damn finish line?

I know where the finish line is.

-Scott? -Scott?


-Scott! -Scott!

Scott, where are you?

It's no use.


Pizza man's here!

-Hey, pizza! -Wow!

Hey, pizza!

Pizza's on me!

[Loud chattering]

[Bang] That's him! Arrest him this instant!

-Boo! -Boo!


What's going on here?

[Radios crackling]

RADIO: 13-L-21. 13-L-21, come in.

Hey, isn't that an old 240-B?

They used to use these in all the old squad cars.

Does it still work?

Uh, yeah. In fact. I just used it... for one of the clues in my Great All-Nighter.

Great All-Nighter?

Uh-huh. Allow me to explain.

This is the city.

I'm sorry, Laura.

[Horn beeping]


Come on, you guys. Let's go find my brother.

-All right! -All right!

Come on, kid.

You were gonna tell us where the finish line is.

You don't owe your brother anything.

-Scott! -Scott!

ADAM: Scott!

-Scott! -Scott!

-Scott! -Scott!

I'll handle this.

The situation requires a delicate touch.

Hey...ha ha! Tell you what, tiger.

You tell us where the finish line is... and I'll let you drive the van there, OK?


The Bonaventure Hotel!

[Laughing maniacally]

Barf, Melio!

Show the little fellow our gratitude.





Aw, Scott.

Adam, I told Harold's team where the finish line is.

They're gonna win.

It's OK, Scott. I'm just glad you're back.

-Scott, oh! -Hey!


Come on, men!

[Glass shattering]

Hey, here it is! Hey, who's the wise guy?

Quick, give me a nickel!

How do you like that, Lavitus?

Ha ha! Those stupid imbeciles can run around... behaving like wild barbarians all night for all I care!

Meanwhile, we'll get the clue!

-Right! -Quarter!


Oops! Ha ha ha!

-Right! -Let's go, men!


Come on, men, let's get outta here!

Ha ha ha!




Little Harold! Little Harold!

We have to go back for little Harold!

No way, Lucille! We're finally in the lead.

I'm not going back for anything.

Oh, but, honeybuns, that doll means a lot to me!


No way! Uh-uh!

You big meanie!

Yeah! You big fat meanie!


All I wanted was a doll...


[Harold yelling]

Listen, let's go back to my house for some coffee.

-OK. -Fine.


You know, there's just one thing that bothers me.

What's that?

Out of all the other teams, Harold's team's gonna win.

[Sighs] Let's go.

[All talking]

Oh, really?

[Tires squealing]

[Horn beeps]

I'm sure he missed you, too, Harold.


To the Bonaventure Hotel!



And you did all the rewiring yourself, huh?

Yeah, he did. Show him, Leon.

LEON: It was great.

It's really a nice Job.


You big ape! Do your duty!

[Sighs] OK.



arrest this woman.


All right, lady. Let's go.

[Mrs. Grimhouse yelling]

[Applause and cheering]


You and your debaters. I can't stand them!

This is all your team's fault, Donna!

Now the "Star Fire" game's destroyed...

And my squad has no way to get the clue!

Oh, yeah? Well, at least... your stupid squad has your stupid mopeds!

We may have the clue. but our truck is ruined!

Yeah? Well, you deserve it!

We deserve it? Who calls anybody a squad anyway?

One of these days, Donna. you're gonna push me too far!

I beg your pardon!

Excuse me, but there may be a logical solution here.

If our team and their team were to make a deal...

-Never! -Never!

[Twins giggling]

Yeah, they make a smaller moped... but there's nothing like having one of these mean machines... between your legs.

[All talking]

WALLY: Come on, Mother! We're moving Game Contnrol... down to the Bonaventure Hotel for the big finish!

OFFICER: Hey, follow me, everybody!

I know the quickest way there.

You have the right to remain silent...


Anything you say can and will be used against you... in a court of law. You have the right... to have an attorney present during questioning.

Hey, we'd better check this out!

Come on! Come on, let's follow them!

What about the old bag?

Dump her in the back seat. We'll take her along.

OK, come on, lady. Move it, move it.


[Soft music playing]

[All talking]

All right! Aah! Aah!

-LEON: Good morning. -Good morning.

I believe you have a room reserved... for a Mr. John Smith and party.


-Smith? -Yeah.


It's only a double.

The teams'll be arriving pretty soon... so let's set up right over here.

[Laughing and chattering]

Yeah, it shows even a level to the lobby.

LEON: This is where we are.

WALLY: Oh, boy, look at that!

Doesn't it look terrific?

Let's go! [Shouting]

-The clue! -OK!

CLERK: Do you have a reservation?

Aah! [Shouting]

I'm sorry. Are you guests at the hotel?

It's not here. Come on.

Please, no, Gentlemen...


Here, try this on.

[Dramatic music playing]

Your team's gonna lose.

Oh, yeah? We'll see what happens.

Bikers. Hell's Angels-- they're taking over the lobby.


There they are.

Code 6.

Get 'em out of here.



I'll get my lawyer on this!

Will you stop it? Leave me alone!

And don't let them back in.

[Door opens]


Good morning. Mrs. Killingsworth.

So nice to have you with us again.

And, Pierre, he's always such a perfect gentleman.

Your usual room, 2341.

[Bell dings]

Front, please.


[Barks] 2341.

Aw, we don't need that. Give me these bags.

Give me the little ones. All right.

-Boys, you need the key. -All right, move along, lady.

-Move along, move along. -Who hired you?

[Chattering. Pierre barking]

Young man, what's the matter with you?


Ohh! Ohh!


[Yelps] Pierre!

Thank you very much, ma'am. Enjoy your stay.

[Fast jazz music playing]

[Twins giggling]

[Blows whistle]

[Blows whistle]

They're dressed as maids and bellboys.

Go get 'em.

-Oh! -Hey!

[Guard blows whistle]

[Blows whistle]

-Aah! -Come on!

Ha ha! Ooh!



Oh, cut it out.

Come on, you guys, use your passkeys.

Let's check all the rooms.



Oh, sorry.

Excuse me.



Hurry up! Faster, faster, faster!


Over this way! Get out of the way, lady!

Hello, Leon? I can't believe it.

All of the teams are here. every one of them.

The teams showed up.

Thank you for your report, Mr. Thorpe.

You're doing a fine job.


MAN: What's going on?

SECOND MAN: Details which might be a little trouble.

I don't know what's happening here.

Hold the fence.


Would you page someone for me, please?

-Oh... -Oh...

WOMAN ON P.A... Paging Mr: Players.

Mr. Game Players... please pick up a hotel courtesy phone.

Move it! [Shouting]

Look at the pool area... and I mean this expressly.

Hey, come on, you guys.

All of the teams are now on their way to the pool area.

Would you be so good as to point that out to them?

Oh, sure, Leon. Right here.

-Ah! -Oh!



-Yeah. -Security?

There--there's a bunch of hooligans up here... ruining your hotel.

If you want to catch them. you come up to room 2704.

Thank you. I'll round up my men.

[Muzak playing faintly]

Adam, what's the matter?

"And I mean this expressly."

Expressly--that's it! Come on!

They must know something.


This has got to be it.

Here it is.

[Sobs] Aah!

Hey, get off it, Donna. We were here first.

We were here first!

[Both shouting]

Let me have a word with Donna. Heh heh heh!


[Laughing] Hyah!

-Huhh! -BOTH: Aah!


Aah! Aah!


-Aah! -Aah!

-M-e-a-t-- -M-e-a-t--


-Aah! -Aah!


[Dramatic music playing]

[Elevator music playing]

What is it, Adam? What are we looking for?

I don't know... but I know it has something to do with this elevator.

Look, Room 2704. That's it!

-That's it! -Aah!

We did it, we did it! All right!

Room 2704. That's it! That's the finish line!

Barf, press the button for the 27th floor.

There isn't one.


[Elevator bell dings]

Good morning.

[Elevator bell dings]

Heh heh heh.

[Dramatic music playing]

Room 2704.

We'll throw them all out.

Over here.

Come on!

[Sobs] No!

All right!

-We did it! We're going to win! -I don't believe it!

Nothing can stop us now.

[Elevator stops]

-Oh, no. -Oh, no! Wait a minute!

What's going on?


[Elevator music stops]

Hey, come on, now.


Well, pull the doors open.

MAN: Get them open.

[Dramatic music playing]

GUARD: Open these doors!

Ha ha! I'm a genius.


-Help! -Help!

Let us out!

They can't hear us!

We're stuck in this elevator! Help!


[Barf guffawing]

What are we going to do?

There's got to be a way out.


Hey... this is the manual override.


I might be able to jimmy it... if we had some wire.

But we don't.


Hey, wait a minute.


-All right. -Great!


[Dramatic music playing]


Come on, come on.

That's good.

Why'd this have to happen?

All right!

-Yeah! -We did it!


You really shouldn't have gone all night... without eating, Harold.

It takes away all of your energy.


Ha ha! Whoo!

[Elevator bell dings]

Going down?

-No! -No!


Back off, Adam!


There's no way in this world I'm gonna let you win this game.


Turn on the water.



[Banging on door]



[Lucille screams]





[Dramatic music playing]


Blaylak, that was funny.

Hey, Blaylak. let me buy you a drink.


Hey, I thought you liked to drink.


LAURA: Get 'em all.

Yeah, all right!

Yeah, all right!

Yeah, if you ever want to go for another spin... just let old Wesley know.

LEON: Can I have everybody's attention, please?

[Taps glass]

May I please have everyone's attention?

Adam and the members of your team... it gives me great pleasure to award you with--


Yeah, and we're going to have to call your father.

Oh, officer. his number is 347-1347.

Let me jot that down.

Aah! Aah! Aah!


[Dramatic music playing]

Harold, your diet!

Harold, your diet!

Harold, your diet!

Harold, your die--



[Laughing, cheering]

[Music playing]

DONNA FEIN: Come see how good a night can be Are you ready for a brand new game?

CHORUS: A brand new game Come take a chance and play with me And you're never gonna be the same When midnight madness Starts to get to you Doesn't matter what you say Doesn't matter what you do You gotta play Just when you think you've had your fun And you're ready to say good night Don't say good night You'll find the fun has just begun

'Cause the game's gonna last all night When midnight madness Starts to get to you Doesn't matter what you say Doesn't matter what you do You gotta play

Just when you think you've had your fun And you're ready to say good night Don't say good night You'll find the fun has just begun

'Cause the game's gonna last all night When midnight madness Starts to get to you Doesn't matter what you say Doesn't matter what you do When midnight madness Starts to get to you Doesn't matter what you say Doesn't matter what you do