Mini's First Time (2006) Script

As many of you know, the past few months of my life have been very difficult.

I don't know how I would have gotten through it without all of you.

I really think it's a testament of the love in this institution that I stand before you today as the first straight-C student in school history to be voted valedictorian.

While I may not have excelled in the classroom, I think that my recent experiences in that bigger schoolhouse we call life has taught me a few lessons I'd like to share with my fellow graduates:

Follow your heart and don't question it, no matter where it tells you to go.

Trust me, it'll open up a world of new experiences you can't even imagine.

I bet you're wondering what a straight-C student is doing giving a valedictorian speech.

It wasn't easy, believe me.

But with desire, focus and the willingness to treat any obstacle as an opportunity, it's amazing what you can accomplish.

See, I was blessed with a terrific mom... not only is she a lush, but she also hates me.

A couple of days before my birthday, I overhear her ordering me a male stripper.

Nothing says "I love you" like 10" of man meat popping out of a cake.

And knowing dear old Mom, she'll try and nail him after the party, but not before she tends to more important business with her new best friend Jelena Mariskova Flachsman, the imported trophy wife of our family lawyer Irv Flachsman.

Peggy told me you found a new masseur.

I hear he's... You heard right.

So can I have his number?

Ahem... we'll see.

That guy next to Flachsman... our neighbor Mike Rudell... big-shot TV producer and the guy my mom screws whenever the batteries run out.

I'm totally addicted to his new show.

Welcome to "Absolutely Positive," the show where we give couples who are about to get married one last chance to make sure they're...

Absolutely positive! That's right!

See, I just don't understand people who live their lives as one big routine.

They're basically saying, "I'm not worthy of a unique experience on this earth."

Well, sorry, but I am.

What the hell is going on? I told you to wait!

For God's sake, she's not even here, you moron!

Shake it, baby!

My mother moved out to LA from Ohio when she was 20 to become an actress.

After a few years, she got knocked up by a sleazeball producer who told her she couldn't be on his show unless she hoovered me out.

Mom was no genius, but she was smart enough to realize that 18 years of child support was better than a couple of weeks on his dumb show, so I got to stick around.

What Mom didn't count on was the prick having a heart attack and croaking a year after I was born.

Look at me... see what a happy baby I was?

That's because I wasn't old enough to understand why she had me.

Here's me on my first day of school.

Why am I smiling?

Because I got to spend seven hours a day with adults who didn't reek of menthols and cheap Scotch.

That's me at my friend Kayla's house.

There weren't any sleepovers at my house.

I couldn't risk it after one of the scumbags Mom brought home tried to feel me up after she passed out.

Kayla's dad took this one, too.

Mom was sucking off her producer to get an audition for some lame show called "Bikini Cove."

Got there late and missed the whole thing.

Anyway, as far as my graduation, this time she had a great excuse for missing it.

Mini! Mini!

When I call you, I expect you to answer.

Sorry.

Don't patronize me.

Sorry. If you're trying to get me to call you a spoiled little ungrateful bitch, you're outta luck.

I won't give you the satisfaction.

Thanks, Mommy.

I'm going out and I need you to wait here for a delivery from the liquor store.

He should be here by 7:00.

Fine.

Hmm.

You should know that skirt makes your thighs look fat.

Gosh, you're right, Mom.

I'm such a cow.

Honey, if I don't tell you these things, who will?

Okay. Thanks. You're welcome.

It's funny how my fat thighs never seemed to bother what's-his-name from the liquor store.

Hey, Mini. How're you doing?

So Mom spent the next 12 years trying to bag another elephant.

Then five years ago, she met Martin.

He's a partner at a public relation's firm, which is ironic because I can't remember the last time they were seen in public together, or had relations.

You're home early.

Yeah, um... client canceled our dinner.

Protecting all those poor, defenseless oil companies from those big bad environmentalists?

Well, somebody's gotta make the payments on your Beamer.

Is your mother home?

No, she went to some party off Beachwood.

She was in one of her happy moods, so I doubt she'll be sleeping here, in case you were thinking of inviting a guest over.

I wasn't, but thanks for your concern.

You're going out on a school night?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Have you finished your homework?

I haven't even cracked a book.

To understand me, you need to understand that life, in my opinion, is all about new experiences.

"Firsts" is what I call them.

And the goal of life... any life... should be to cram as many firsts into it as possible.

After popping out of the cake, I knew I had to top it, but it was tough... skydiving, bungee jumping?

Please. It's more dangerous getting on the freeway every day.

Then one night while cruising through Hollywood, it hit me.

So I went to an escort service just to see what would happen.

When they found out how young I was, they told me they had a trick for me that night.

My first night as a call girl was a serious letdown.

The guy said I looked so much like his niece, he just started whimpering and praying for forgiveness.

Honey, what are you doing here?

Did you have fun tonight, honey?

For my first night turning tricks, it could have been better.

That's nice.

That's so nice.

Nice, Mom.

In my bed.

After that night, I told the escort service, "No more clients with a conscience."

They were happy to oblige with a last-minute gig at a corporate fuckpad an executive keeps.

They said I was just his type... young.

It's open.

Hello?

Can you fucking believe it?

Uh, hi.

Sorry I'm late.

It's okay.

Mind if I freshen up?

No, go right ahead.

My own stepdad?

My first thought was "How sick is he?"

But then I started thinking, "I'm one to talk, and well, why not?

I mean, he isn't my real dad, and talk about a first."

Then I thought, "If my mom can do some strange guy in my bed, I can do her strange guy in this bed."

You doing okay in there?

Just peachy.

Listen, sugar, would you mind turning the lights off?

See, I'm kinda new to all this and a little shy.

No problem, but do you think maybe we could get this show on the road?

Now close your eyes.

Come on.

You won't keep them shut for long.

Just don't look around.

Now, close your eyes.


I literally couldn't feel the ground under my feet... a first to top all firsts.

I knew I'd tell him one day, but I wanted to savor it for a while.

Hey, you forgot your keys.

Oh well, here's to immediate gratification.

You were great.

What?

Oh...


Suddenly, he was coming home every night and even started asking me about my homework.

How're you doin', kiddo?

How are you making out with those math problems?

'Cause, you know, if you ever need any help, I could... you know.

Actually, I was thinking about starting a 401K plan at work.

Could you help me pick a good mutual fund?

All you did was kiss?

Yeah, you don't believe me?

No, of course, I believe you.

Yo, Kayla, I got some more of what you were looking for last Saturday night.

Aw, yeah yeah.

Actually, Troy, I think you confused her with that senile, toothless grandmother of yours.

Come on, man.

Yo, Mini, why don't you use that mouth for something useful and suck my dick?

Aw, yeah!

All right.

Hey! What the fu...

Let me suck your dick, Troy. You said I could.

Yo, this ain't funny! Come on, baby, take it out!

I'm on my knees, Troy, come on!

Jesus Christ, Mini! What the fuck?

God damn, Mini!

Wait, I almost had it. I almost had it.

Here it comes!

What's wrong, stage fright?

Thank you.


I want you to know that I feel horrible.

And not about what happened, because that was an accident.

But I just keep thinking I didn't know that you were doing that.

And I just wonder how things might have been if you... had a real father.

So what are you saying, Martin?

You wanna be my father now?

To be perfectly honest, I loved it. Talk about electric.

Knowing that any moment she could walk in was better than any drug.


Mom thought it was cute how we'd suddenly grown so close, and thought it was wonderful how Martin had taken an interest in my education.

Mini? Mini?

What, you don't know how to knock?

Have you seen Martin?

No, I can't say that I have.

He was in his study, but I haven't been able to find him.

I assume he's gone out, so I've invited Ricardo over for a cocktail, and you know how children make him feel very uneasy.

So I would really appreciate it if you and your friend would stay in here or use the backdoor when he arrives.

Okay, not a problem.

Good.

Oh my God!

Now that we were spending time together, I actually started to find out what Martin was like for the first time.

He wasn't the drip I thought he was.

He was funny... charming... sweet... and even a little shy.

Looking back, that may have been the moment he fell in love.

This went on for about two months before we had the talk we both knew was coming.

So...

So...

I don't want to sneak around in my own house.

Well, I don't think telling her is such a hot idea.

I don't even want to live under the same roof with her anymore.

You can't leave. She'll get half.

Can I ask how the hell you married her without a prenup?

She wasn't as bad of an actress as you think.

Well, there is another option.

And what's that?

It'll take some planning, some resolve.

You wanna kill her? Yeah.

No! Of course not, she's my mother.

Good, I'm glad to hear you say that.

But I was thinking... if she suddenly got ill...

III? ...unstable... unpredictable... irrational... dangerous, and the safety of her husband... her child...?

She'd have to be sent someplace where they could give her the care she needs.

Yeah.

And it would be for her own good.

Yeah.

As painful as it would be to be away from my loving wife.

Well, you did it for the well-being of your daughter... the selfless act of a devoted parent.

We'll find her a very comfortable place out in the country.

With lots of fresh air.

It'll be a much better life for her.

So much better.

I awoke the next morning as excited as I could remember.

Unlike most firsts which are over too quickly, this would take determination... stamina... and imagination.

I decided to start simply.

The school nurse, a lush named Helga Hauptfuhrer... or "Der Führer," as she was affectionately known... starts jonesing for her afternoon nip about 45 minutes after lunch each day...

which leaves me free to help myself to the candy store.

Slipping her the pills was absurdly easy, because for Mom, every morning was Margaritaville and I was her bartender.

It was even easier when the sun went down.

Mini, Diane, I'm home.

I turned her nightcap into an all-nightcap.

And after three days of this, the fireworks were about to begin.

Peggy from Hays, Kansas.

Phase one:

Violent mood swings- slash-uncontrollable rages.

God damn it.

Damn it! God damn it!

Where are they? I'm gonna be late!

Fucking shit!

Where the fuck are they?

It took me three weeks to get the appointment with Fabrizio!

Fabrizio Santano: Masseuse to the stars and reported possessor of one of the biggest schlongs in town.

Rumor has it he's pourin' the pork to every rich wife between Malibu and Pasadena.

Now I'm gonna miss it because I can't find my fucking keys!

I could use a little help over here!

Diane, do you remember where you left your keys when you came home last night?

Oh yeah, I put them in the fucking bowl next to the fucking door like I always fucking do.

Well, you were kind of out of it last night.

I was not.

I had one drink with Peggy... one!

Are you sure about that?

Yes, I'm sure. 'Cause you seemed a little bit too...

Dickless wonder.

Mini, I'm taking your car.

Martin, you drive her to school.

I've got a meeting with Chapman. Tell him it's an emergency.

He's one of our biggest clients! Who gives a fuck?

You're not a dickless wonder.

Thank you.

Hello, Fabrizio? Yes, what is it?

It's Diane.

Diane Spechtenstein?

Tannen. Oh, I'll be seeing you shortly, no?

Listen, I'm going to have to cancel our appointment.

Aw, something come up?

Yeah, something came up.

Oh, that's so good.

Fabrizio. Ms. Tannen?

Jelena? Diane, what are you doing here?

What the hell are you doing here? Easy now, Ms. Tannen.

You called. You canceled 30 minutes ago.

I did not call and cancel, Fabrizio!

I talked to you myself. You said something come up.

You knew I had an appointment today.

Did you call and pretend to be me?

Are you drunk? How could I possibly sound like you?

Yeah, that's true.

Five minutes, Ms. Tannen.

Bitch.

Ms. Tannen, wait in the recovery room.

Fabrizio, I never need the recovery room, you know that.

Did I tell you to stop?

What part of "Don't stop" didn't you understand?

Five minutes. But this is my appointment!

Fabrizio, get off of her right now!

I've got him for 55 more minutes!

Wait your turn! It's my turn! It's my appointment!

Look, if you're not going to wait outside, at least shut your goddamn mouth and let me enjoy this!

Get off of her! Don't you fucking talk to me!

Right now! Throw her out!

Faster! Get off!

Don't or I'll have immigration up your ass!

You sneaky little bitch!

Do you think she'll press charges?

Are you fucking kidding me? She should get 20 to life.

When I told Peggy and Margo about the stunt she pulled, both of them said they would have ripped her eyes out.

She'll be lucky if anybody talks to her again.

Here comes the choo-choo.

For God's sake, I didn't break both hands!

God, I still can't believe you broke your hand on her face.

That's so Linda Hamilton.

I hope she enjoys shitting out the teeth she swallowed.

Phase two:

Wild shopping sprees carried out in a euphoric state.

Divine Productions, Carlos speaking.

Hello, Carlos. It's Diane Tannen calling.

Señora Tannen.

Listen, I'm going to need a delivery to the house.

Hey, where do you want these?

I don't know. My mom ordered them.

The eucalyptus pods and bamboo and...

The giraffe can clean its own ears with its tongue because the tongue is approximately 21" long. Is that true or false?

Carlos?! What...?

What the fuck is going on, Carlos?

Oh, Señora Tannen, it's the stuff you ordered for the party yesterday.

Ordered? I didn't order anything!

What the fuck are you talking about?

Are you invited? I don't think it's a party.

I think they're having a family event... a dysfunctional circus.

Mom, look at the monkey.

You did. You called me yesterday on the phone. We talked.

I didn't call you! I did not!

You were talking about a party on the phone.

Right after you washed your painkillers...

Shh! Right.

I didn't... You said you wanted...

...organize a party, Carlos! Shangri-la, that's what you said to me. Shangri-la, oh yeah.

One, two, three.

I'm coming, I'm coming!

And you're not gonna be helping me ever again, because you know what? You suck.

Oh shit!

What the fuck is going on here, Carlos?

Who ordered all this stuff?

I didn't order it.

I wouldn't do anything without your permission, but Mrs... Señora Tannen...

Martin, I...

Diane... did you order all this stuff?

No, I didn't.

I didn't order anything.

Come inside with me, Diane, because... come inside. I didn't order anything!

Over the next few days, whenever Mom passed out from too much drinky-drinky, I'd pull out her wallet and reach out and touch someone.

After a week of my version of the Home Shopping Network, the doorbell might as well have been a cannon.

Oh God.

Mini! Jesus Christ, I asked for that drink 10 minutes ago.

Put it here.

Help me.

You're welcome.

Jesus Christ.

Anything else I can do for you?

Mm...

Sweetie, that is yummy.

What's in it?

Phase three:

Rambling incoherent monologues in public.

I just clammed up, you know, It was just weird.

You know, eventually I just said to him, "Sorry, Fabrizio, but it's just not a safe haven anymore."

She has ruined it for all of us.

Oh boy, oh boy. You know...

You know I love you! She looks so lovely, doesn't she?

She looks lovely, but I'm gonna take out a restraining order. I got news for you.

What happened... yeah, I heard about that incident.

Here she comes.

Jelena, my God, your dentist is a genius.

I'd never know those weren't your real teeth.

You stay the hell away from me, you psycho, You're lucky I didn't... I'm lucky? No no no no.

Let me tell you something: Fabrizio will not return my calls because of you, you fucking bitch!

Let me tell you something: That shit may fly in Siberia, but it does not fly on Mulholland, you got it?!

She hit my wife. Really?

Like I said, get some help!

Yeah well, whatever.

She's fucking unbelievable!

I'm telling you, the best thing I ever did was break my hand on that bitch's face.

Yeah. I think she's troubled, you know?

She has a beautiful nose. I love her nose.

I feel fucking fantastic!

Like, I feel like I could run a marathon, you know what I mean? ...each and every juror in the eye.

Juries!

Can I please come over and talk to you about juries?

I've always wanted to say the words, "You're guilty!"

What do you guys think happens in those sequestered situations?

Do you think they have sex, the jurors? I think they really get it on.

Are you looking at my tits?

You crazy fuck!

Oh, you know, I was an actress.

I don't know if you know that about me.

I almost had this role on "Bikini Cove."

I almost had two lines. My one line would have been this:

"Um, I'll have another sex on the beach."

Mmm.

That show was a really fucking fantastic show.

It was very creative. Cheesy drink, but it's a drink anyway.

I like Scotch. Isn't that fun?

I had to suck off the executive producer for that audition, but, hey, I almost got my SAG card, so I felt it was worth it. I need a refill.

Yeah, me too. If you'll excuse us... But we were talking about juries and sex on the... Excuse me.

You know, hey hey hey, cock breath!

Oh my God.

Listen, good job, but I need more warning.

I was at dinner with Chapman.

I can't reschedule again.

I know, but it was a golden opportunity.

You always said you can't pay enough for good publicity, right?

What the hell? Can you control her, sir?

Ooh! Bye, everybody!

I'll see you later!

At this point with all those witnesses, Martin thought we could get a shrink to have her sent away.

My feeling was that until they were ready to weld the door to her padded cell shut, there was still more work to be done.

Fabrizio, it's Diane.

Hi...

Do you think you could call me? I've called you a few times.

I just... I need to talk to you.

Ciao.

Feel okay? Yeah, great.

I'll be right back with your two iced teas.

So was there any reason why we couldn't just meet at my house?

Honestly, because I want some witnesses around in case you fucking lose it again.

In case I... you're unbelievable, Jelena.

For God's sake, get a grip.

All the shit you've been talking about me to Peggy, Barbara, and Trish has to stop!

After your performance the other night, I can't believe I'm even giving you a warning.

Ha! A warning? If you keep this up, I will make my husband... Your husband? Oh right!

Give me a break! ...and mental anguish!

Are we clear?

I'm, like, "Dude, all I wanted was..."

Hey, boys.

Wanna have a little fun?

You are losing it. That's so funny, you know?

Final phase:

Complete psychotic breakdown.

Hello? Diane.

Fabrizio, is that you? How are you?

I can see you. Can you see me?

Who is this?

Do you feel safe?

This isn't funny. I'm hanging up.

Hang up and you're dead.

Is this a joke? I assure you I'm no joke.

By the way, that pink scarf is very fetching.

Who is this? Just...

Take it easy!

Get away from me! What the hell is your problem?

Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

Maybe you should make a run for that silver Jag you drive home to Mira Loma Lane.

How do you know where I live? I know everything.

What do you want from me?

Ma'am? What?

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the mall.

I-I can't leave. He's...

He knows where I live. I can't.

Who knows, ma'am?

This man has been terrorizing me on the phone.

He's... hello?

Yeah, this is Franklin. We've got a code seven.

You've gotta come with me. Don't touch!

Ma'am? Don't you dare touch me!

Settle down.

Hey, get off of her!

The other arm!

Get the cuffs on her!

Come on, ma'am!

After her performance at the mall, I'm sure she would have qualified as committable, but that wasn't enough.

I wanted her to beg the boys in white coats to take her away.

So, Mom, we're gonna go out to dinner.

Do you want us to bring you back something?

Are you both going?

Why don't you just come with us?

You haven't left the house in three days.

I can't.

Okay.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh my God!

Shit.

What do you want?!

Oh my God! Oh my God!

Shit! Oh, please, God!

Please... ma'am? 911 emergency, please hold.

Fuck fuck fuck!

Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God, oh my God!

Shit, oh my God. Oh my God!

Oh God!

Oh, shit!

Oh God! Shit!

Help!

Oh my God, oh my God!

Our work finished.

We returned home expecting to find her blabbering like a three-year-old.

Mom, we're home.

Diane, honey... we brought you a pulled pork plate.

Diane, wake up. It's us.

Wake up, Mommy.

Diane, come on.

Diane, come on, wake up.

Martin, I just picked these sleeping pills up for her yesterday.

I suppose we should call an ambulance.

Do you really think they can save her?

I don't know.

She'll only try it again, you know she will.

She will if we keep torturing her like this.

Mini, this is wrong. I'm gonna call an ambulance.

Hold on, wait wait wait.

Who are we to say her choice is wrong?

She put the pills in her mouth.

I thought we agreed that murder was out.

I wouldn't exactly call this murder.

I mean, if anything, we're just helping to fulfill her last wish.

Mini, she wouldn't have done this unless we...

Mini, for God's sake, the woman still has a pulse.

All right, look, you can cut the indignant outrage, because if you really cared, you would have already dialed 911.

Can't we just admit how lucky we both are?

This is the perfect alibi... she put the drugs in her system.

You're saying we should just leave her here.

Can you think of one person who would say she's sane at this point?

We're so close to being free.

Let's just let nature take its course.

So we passed the time watching my favorite show.

Our first couple's from Bakersfield, California...

Suzanne Terasado and Gene Scalzo.

They're gonna get married in three weeks, folks.

Date's coming up pretty soon, huh?

Don't answer that question. But first, we send you out on some dates huh?

We have to speed this up. What?

We can't wait anymore, Martin, okay?

Our alibi's only believable for maybe another hour.

We can say we went to a movie after dinner, but if she doesn't croak by midnight, we can forget about this.

What exactly are you suggesting?

Come on, we don't have time.

Look, if we're gonna screw up the details, we might as well call San Quentin and tell them to fire up the Dutch oven.

You almost finished?

What's the one thing all her friends are gonna be talking about when they find out?

"How did she look?"

Do you think anyone would think twice if the answer's "Fabulous"?

Well, if you have any last thoughts, I think that now would probably be the appropriate time.

You could pretend to have a little remorse.

No no no! Wait wait wait! She's gonna be fine!

Just tell me that she's gonna be okay!

Mr. Tannen, I think you should take your daughter into the house.

I don't wanna go in the house right now!

She's gonna be fine, right?

Just say that she's gonna be fine first and then I'll go in the house!

It's gonna be okay. Come on, go inside.

All right, we're almost wrapped up in here.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Mr. Tannen. Oh.

Yes. Hi.

Detective Dwight Garson, L.A.P.D.

I'm very sorry to be here right now, but, you know, whenever there's an apparent suicide, we're required to do an investigation just to rule out homicide.

Right. It's really just a formality.

Formality?

My mother just killed herself.

They haven't even taken her away yet. What's wrong with you?

Mini, honey, the man is just doing his job.

I don't care. Tell him to leave. This is outrageous.

Could we do this some other time? Of course, Mr. Tannen.

I appreciate that. Thank you.

But I will need to ask you just a few simple questions before I leave, if that's okay.

Okay. I'm sorry, but did you hear him?

I believe he said you need to leave.

Mini, let's go to your room, and you lie down for a little while, please. Come on.

So after dinner and the movie, we came home at 11:30 and found her in the garage, and I... turned off the car, and I opened the garage door to let the fumes out.

So... your wife would have done this sometime between 8:00 and 11:33 when you made the 911 call?

Yes. So this was your wife's car?

Yes.

And... was it in the garage when you went to dinner or did she drive it in?

Is that important? Oh well, you know, I'm just kind of trying to reconstruct what happened.

Well, when my wife came home from the mall, we had the car towed here and we put it in the garage.

Well, if it's okay, I'm gonna have them impound it, and we'll take it down to the crime lab.

Take it down to the crime lab?

Yeah, again, you know, it's just purely routine.

Right.

Yeah... so, uh... have you... have you found a note yet?

You mean a suicide note?

Yeah, usually the deceased tend to leave one.

Uh no no, we haven't, but we haven't been looking for one either.

Right.

Right...

Well, do you mind if I have a look around?

No no no.

Who cares if we didn't leave a note?

Just relax! He says...

So what? He'll do his little dance, and chalk it up to another failed actress who realized after 40 she might as well be dead.

Okay.

Shit! What?

I forgot about the sweatsuits and the goggles.

I already snuck out back and threw them in Mike Rudell's garbage cans.

Good. Very good.

Just relax.

We did it.

We're free.


Before that, I was actually working in catering, but I discovered I had this amazing talent to read people's flower auras. If I may just...

Venus flytrap.

You scared me.

Just keep 'em coming.

It's a tragic tragic loss.

Thank you so much. Is this soy?

You know, this could be tofurkey. Not for me.

Is this tofurkey? It could be okay.

It's good. You're so delighted by small things.

Mm. Does anybody know how... how is Mini doing?

I hear she's totally devastated.

She's... wh... what? Just look at her.

Martin, I mean, think of him. He's a single parent now.

He's going to need all the support he can get from family and friends.

Oh, it takes a village.

The wake was a riot.

With Mom out of the way, Martin suddenly became prime target number one.

Would you excuse me?

She wasn't even cold yet, and already her friends were realizing whoever could dump their hubbies the fastest could actually marry someone they'd want to sleep with.

Martin? Hi.

How are you holding up?

Well, the nights are the roughest.

I hope you know that despite our little disagreement, Diane was like a sister to me.

I know.

And if you ever need someone to talk to, or even just a hug...

I can be over in 10 minutes.

After the funeral, I felt it would be a good idea if we took a vacation, and went someplace where we can act like a real couple for the first time.


I could feel that Martin had let that whole thing with the cops go.

It had been two weeks since Mom's death, and already it felt like it happened a year ago.

Martin? Mini?

Hi. I thought that was you.

Mike, what are you doing here?

Uh, last week Mini mentioned that you guys were gonna come down here for a little R and R, and I suddenly realized that I hadn't taken a vacation in God knows when. Jennifer, this is Martin Tannen, my next-door neighbor and his daughter Mini.

And here's the kicker.

Jennifer works for the same escort service that I did.

I'm sorry, Jennifer, but have we met?

You look really familiar.

I don't think so.

No? Are you sure? Have we worked together?

That's impossible, because I just moved here from Canada... the Yukon Territories.

I just wanted you both to know how sorry I am for your loss.

Our loss?

He just lost six or seven freebies a year from Mom.

Look at him. He's a profile in courage.

If there's anything that I can do for either of you, don't hesitate to ask.

Remember, I'm just... I'm right across the fence.

Thanks, Mike.

We appreciate that.

Breakfast tomorrow... frittata.

I'm sending over a frittata for you guys.

Don't be surprised. Okay, bye-bye.

Why did you tell him?

I was just being friendly, okay?

I didn't think he'd actually come.

He knows. He found the goggles and the clothes, and he fuckin' knows.

I doubt he even knows where his trash cans are.

Relax, it was just a coincidence.

Coincidence or not, he saw us together.

Let's go, let's get in the car.

It was dark... Let's go to the airport.

It was dark outside. No no no no no.

He was toying with us. You didn't see that, the way that he was toying with us?

No, I didn't. No?

No.

What is he gonna do, huh?

Go home and tell everyone we're a couple?

We'll just laugh it off and say he vacations with hookers.

Okay, thank you.

Let's get in the car and let's go to the airport now.

Come on. Martin, come on.

Calm down, all right? Nothing is going to happen.

Let's just go inside and have another drink, okay?

Aurelio? Sí, señorita?

Hi, we're actually gonna stay, so can you bring these bags in for us?

But of course.

No thank you.

The next few days were a real hoot.

Suddenly, Martin was acting like he really was my father.

We returned home and things didn't get much better.

What little sex we were having was getting dull.

I tried spicing things up with a little role-playing, but I was becoming concerned that in my world of firsts, I'd achieved my greatest first at too young an age.

Hi. Yes?

Minerva Tannen, Detective Garson.

I don't know if you remember me from that night.

Drogues. My last name is Drogues, and yes, I remember you. You were the bighearted lug who wanted your questions answered while my mother was still warm.

Again, I'm sorry about that night, but it is policy that we get the preliminary facts as soon as possible. Sorry.

What do you want? I need to ask you a few more questions about your mother's death.

All right, come in. Thank you.

I know it's stupid as hell to talk to a cop without a lawyer, but I didn't want to look jumpy.

At my first real interrogation, I could literally feel something tingle deep inside.

It's a little early for the prom, isn't it?

A girl can dream, can't she?

It's perfectly legal, sure.

So, anyway, we got the preliminary coroner's report.

Although the pills rendered your mother unconscious, she died from the carbon monoxide fumes from the exhaust.

Is that important?

Well, it's just a little unusual for a suicide victim to use two methods.

Well, maybe she wanted to drift off before the fumes got her.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

We also got the phone records and there was a 911 call placed at 8:12.

It was a hang up.

Really? Yeah.

Any idea why your mom might have called 911?

Okay, fine.

This may be the most exciting thing I've done in a while, but even I know when the rush isn't worth the risk.

Listen, Detective, I think you should come back when my father's home.

He'll probably be upset that I let a stranger in the house.

Yeah, I think you're safe with me.

Even so, he won't be happy.

Not a problem.

So will he be back tonight?

I'll give him a call. Okay, thanks.

And you let him in?

It would have looked worse to be defensive.

And when's he coming over?

Tonight.

Tonight? I've got a dinner with Chapman.

I've already canceled on him twice.

Damn it! Why didn't you call me?

I'm sorry. I didn't know you had plans.

All right, listen, I'll be home early so we can get our story straight, okay?

Okay.

I really do appreciate you taking the time to help us out.

You know, there's just a few loose ends we need to tie up.

Absolutely. What would you like to know?

Well, there seems to be some question as to the time of your wife's death.

You said that you went to dinner and a movie?

Detective, I don't mean to sound overly sensitive, but do I need my attorney here?

Because these sound like the questions you would ask a suspect in a homicide investigation.

Well, Mr. Tannen, I really just kinda wanna finish this up, you know?

I have real homicides that need my attention.

So how about this?

You know, I'll ask you some questions, and the ones you don't want to answer, well, we can just skip those.

Yeah, that sounds good, doesn't it, Dad?

Let's just get this over with.

Please go ahead.

All right. You said that after dinner you went to a movie?

That's right. Start time: 9:00.

What'd you see? We saw that Jackie Chan movie where he tries to stop the terrorists from blowing up Mount Rushmore.

Running time: 115 minutes.

Yeah, a buddy of mine saw it.

He said that the ending was pretty crazy.

For God's sakes, does he think we wouldn't actually see it?

Yeah, they're sliding down Washington's nose, and the guy's got the bomb strapped in.

Don't tell him. He hasn't seen it yet.

Another demerit for me. Aw, that's okay.

So, uh, where'd you see it?

The Galleria. Drive time: 17 minutes.

And you got home when? 11:30.

Precisely, with 12 minutes of previews.

You didn't think we'd forget the previews?

Detective, if you don't have any further questions, it is a school night.

Oh right, yes. Sorry.

No, I think that about wraps it up for now. Thanks.

For now?

Detective, we're trying very hard to put back the pieces of our lives.

And every time you come by, you dredge all this up again.

I've already told you everything that I know.

Sorry, I wish I could be more definitive... I can't.

Well, I'm telling you that if you do come back with more questions, I hope it's because you're charging us with something.

Us?

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

I'm sure that was just routine stuff.

Honey, that was anything but routine, let me tell you.

Nice use of the word "us," by the way.

It slipped out, okay? I'm sorry.

You know, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that...

Okay.

Just chill out, all right?

I'm sure this will all blow over in a few days.

Chill out? Did you just tell me to chill out?

You realize they could go for the death penalty, don't you?

He was probably just trying to spook us.

They only try to spook you if they really think you did it.

Look, it was a great plan, okay?

No one can prove that we put those pills in her mouth because we didn't.

If it's such a great plan, then why am I canceling dinners with important clients to accommodate a detective who doesn't believe that it was a suicide, huh?

If you're so fucking smart!

See you later.

Where are you going?

Out.


A phone call would have been appreciated at some point.

I was worried about you.

Martin, I'm not sure you're aware, but at this point you can't be my dad and my lover.

I'm not saying that as your dad.

Before your mother and I grew apart, I would be worried when she was out late.

Well, I'm not her, so I can assure you you won't find me drunk, passed out in some greaseball's fuckpad with my panties around my ankles... unless I choose to.

What the hell has gotten into you?

I express some concern for you, and you threaten me?

Mini, when you're in a relationship, it's okay to worry about someone.

Have you ever been in a relationship, Mini?

My God, you haven't, have you?

Congratulations, you're my first.

Good morning.

This just arrived for you. Thank you.

Martin Tannen's office, how may I help you?

Yes, everything has been resolved.

Thank you so much for calling.

Lois. Yes?

We have to reschedule the Chapman meeting.

I know, just tell them it's an unavoidable emergency.

Shit shit shit shit, fuck fuck!

Are you okay?

What do you mean you don't keep records of who the senders are?

When it's paid cash, we only keep records on packages. Not envelopes.

Excuse me.

Yeah? Mr. Tannen?

Uh-huh. I just spoke to Mr. Chapman.

Uh-huh. He... he told me to tell you that he is going to be seeking a new firm to handle his company's needs and Mr. Mather and Mr. Boyd have asked to see you when you return to the office.

Thank you, Lois.

What's up, guys?

Have a seat.

Do I want to have a seat?

We just got a call from Chapman.

Well, the old guy is a little unstable, we all know that.

"Unstable"?

He told us you canceled three meetings on him at the last minute.

Well, Jesus, my wife just committed suicide, so please forgive me if I've been a little...

No one's saying this hasn't been a difficult time for you, but whatever's been distracting you, Martin, started long before that.

Chapman was a whale. A whale that I brought in.

And now you've lost. A whale we couldn't afford to lose.

Clients come and go, we all know that.

It's musical chairs, it always has been.

I mean, what is the big deal? I'll land another whale.

In fact, Jerry Burgess from IBS just called me this morning.

He wants me to play 18 at the Riv.

I'll spot him three aside and push a four-footer on the last one.

He'll be ours by Friday. Come on, guys!

We've made our decision.

You've made your Dec... this is my company.

You came to me.

I was landing whales like Chapman when you two jerk-offs were playing beer pong in your frat basement and slipping roofies to the local high school girls!

I don't give a shit what decisions you've made!

This is my firm!

Look at that smug prick.

He is fucking with me and I will not be fucked with!

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go over there and tell him if he doesn't back off he's gonna get hurt.

Are you crazy? We're not even sure it's him.

For God's sakes, the pictures were sent from a messenger agency right in his own building.

He was the only person at the resort who knew who we were.

Okay, but then he could go to the cops and tell them you threatened him.

Then they'd really start investigating us.

That son of a bitch cost me the firm that took me 15 years to build!

15 years.

Well, if you go to his house and you start waving this around, it's gonna cost you a lot more than that.

Martin didn't sleep at all that night.

And made damn well sure I didn't either.

Minerva Drogues. Hi, Mr. Rudell.

Hi. Mike, please. Mike, of course.

Can I come in? Come on, come on, please.

Okay. Come on.

Oh wow, I haven't been here since you redecorated.

Yeah, I just... I just got all this finished.

I'm so sorry that your mother never got to see it.

I'm sure she'd approve.

Oh. Hey, if you don't mind my asking...

how are you doing? I'm all right.

I mean it's been hard. Yeah yeah yeah.

I guess I just keep telling myself that she's probably much happier where she is now.

Oh... gosh. You know what? You're absolutely...

Positive? No, I was going to say... correct.

Have you seen that show?

Have I seen that show?

Stop it! That's my favorite show, I love that show. Don't don't.

I am not lying to you, that's my favorite show.

I love how you never know if the couples are going to stay together.

Guh. You know if you'd ever want to visit the set, by the way, or spend the day or even be a contestant...

What do you mean, be a contestant?

Well, you know, those date's are totally harmless, you spend the evening with a person, we prep you on what to say before the show, if that would be fun. That would be so much fun for me, I would love that.

Really? Okay. Okay. Really. It could be fun.

Well, then I'll arrange it. You will?

It's done. Umm...

Anyway, have a seat. Okay.

What's... what's on your mind?

Tell me.

You know, I... I know this might sound somewhat strange, but have you seen any suspicious-looking people around my house lately?

No. Why? What's... is everything okay? Do I have to bust some heads?

Not today.

What's happening? No, everything's fine.

It's just that after my mom died someone sent this really weird picture of me and Martin together.

Together? Well, it implied that...

I know this sounds crazy, but it implied that we were a couple.

A couple?

You and Martin? Hmm.

Hmm. Well... certainly relations between older men and younger women are, uh... are an accepted part of society, but that must be creepy, huh, getting an anonymous picture? That is so disturbing.

Yeah. Yeah, it was. Hey, just out of curiosity, what kind of picture could they have sent you to indicate that you and Martin were a couple?

Well, it's not like I was naked or anything.

I mean, don't get me wrong, Martin has seen me naked.

He's my stepfather, so he's seen me naked...

Of course. ...but I wasn't naked in the pictures.

Okay, sing here, sin... wow, you're full of chaos and anarchy and... and sheer... sheer...

Golly, now listen to this.

Listen to this. Sing this.

I'm amazed the anticipation of pulling off a mother-daughter double-dip didn't give him a stroke right there.

Go ahead. Ready?

That we want in college. She's a ho, man. She's a ho.

Mini. Yes, Mr. Bishop?

I've got a note for you to go to the principal's office right away.

Do you? Aww.

Hold this. I'll make it fast. Mm-hmm. Always do.

Detective Garson. Hello.

What's going on? Mini, have a seat.

Mini, this tape was shot a week before your mother's death.

And the next day, the school nurse reported a bottle of Ritalin missing from the medicine cabinet.

And we lifted two sets of prints... one from the door, one from the inside of the medicine cabinet... and neither one of them matches the nurse. Okay?

Mini... is there something you'd like to say to Detective Garson?

Can we see the tape of Der Führer sucking down her afternoon fix of vodka?

Or do you guys not keep cameras in the bathroom stalls?

Don't you dare do that!

Don't you dare try to deflect this!

Stealing, if no one ever told you, is a serious matter!

Stealing prescription drugs from a school is a very serious matter!

You got me, okay?

But what was I supposed to do? What does that mean?

Well, she said if I didn't... Who s... who, another student?

No, my mother. She made me steal them for her.

I didn't want to, but she said she was going to send me to boarding school in Canada if I didn't. Canada?

The Yukon Territories.

Are you happy now?

Oh my Lord, I had no idea.

She was... What? What, an addict?

Detective Garson knew.

My mommy's dead, okay? Can't we just let her be?

Detective Garson.

I assume there won't be any need to press charges against Ms. Drogues?

Oh, hey, Mr. Tannen. I was actually just coming to see you.

Have you got a minute?

Detective, I thought I said no more questions without my lawyer.

Yeah, um, I think you'd better call him.

Yeah, so there's a small discrepancy I couldn't quite figure it out, and I was hoping maybe you could explain it.

I suppose I can try. Okay.

Yeah, we got the final toxicology report and your wife definitely didn't die from the pills.

She wasn't conscious past 9:30, but it was the fumes that killed her.

Hallelujah.

Thanks for the update. Martin, Martin, easy.

Come on, this is harassment here. Just... please.

Well, see, here's what I wanted to ask.

The gas tank in the Jag was almost completely full, only about a gallon of fuel had been used.

And?

Well, if she was unconscious by 9:30, that means that the car would've been running for at least two hours by the time you found her, and an unconscious person can't turn on a car, right?

Detective, with all due respect, could you get to the point?

That's the part where I get kind of confused, you see.

In that model Jaguar, if you were to leave it idling for two hours, it would burn at least four gallons of fuel.

You see?

So, it doesn't... it doesn't really seem like there's any way that the gas tank could be full if it had been running for two hours.

Right?

So I guess, you know, what I'm asking is, you know, whose idea was to put her in the car?

Martin, Martin. Don't... don't say anything.

Look, Mr. Tannen.

I know that you're the person that has the most to gain from your wife's death.

But I've also learned from talking to her friends that she and Mini had a pretty strained relationship.

Uh, excuse me, what's your first name again?

It's Dwight. Listen, Dwight.

Do I look like the kind of guy who's going to allow my client to sit here and listen to these questions in these circumstances?

Don't insult my intelligence, Dwight.

Just cut to the chase. Okay, I'd just like for Mr. Tannen to know that if he's trying to be a protective father by covering up something Mini might have done, I'd really think twice about it. I really would.

'Cause the D.A. In this case, he's viewing it, you know, as kind of an opportunity to show the public that the rich can't get away with murder in this town.

Does this mean that he's offering Mr. Tannen immunity if he says he was protecting his daughter?

Yeah, that's a strong possibility.

But he also wants Mr. Tannen to know that if he doesn't do it, he's going to go for the maximum sentence.

No manslaughter, no plea bargain.

Nothing.

It was Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick.

Ms. Drogues, as your lawyer, I think...

Don't wet your pants. I know when to shut up.

And swallow.

Look. The fact that the marriage was unhappy and that there was no prenup, that gives all of the motive to Martin, okay?

So you want me to say it was his idea? Well, if it was his idea, can you give me one good reason why you should take the fall?

So you're saying if I tell the jury it was his idea, and I was scared for my life because he said he'd kill me if I ever told anyone, that I walk?

Sst!

Sorry, sport, but I'll take my chances.

I never doubted for a moment you were gonna hold firm, not for a second. I hope you know that.

You know that? Yeah.

Good.

You realize we're going to have to learn to rely on each other?

I have only one concern now.

What?

Rudell.

If a jury finds out we're a couple, then we both have a motive.

And that changes everything.

Don't worry about him, baby. He's just jealous.

Even if he did send that picture, what does it prove? Nothing.

Oh hey, come and watch. Come on, you're missing... I'm on TV.

What? Why?

Hurry up, the commercial's almost over.

Welcome back to "Absolutely Positive."

Now it's time to hear how the date between Jason and Mini ended.

Jason, you said... You went on this...

Shh! Yeah, I thought it'd be a gas.

...to test your ability to resist temptation?

Um, well, since Becky and I have dated since high school, and we decided to remain virgins until marriage, I wanted to go on another date with another girl just to... to see how I would react, you know, to see if there were any doubts about my decision. Hmm.

So after dinner, what happened?

Um, well, she suggested this dance club that she knew.

I'm not really a good dancer, but I said yes.

We never go dancing. Mini, Jason a good dancer?

Well, he's a damn quick learner.

Not just at dancing.

Oh, you mean there was some other teacher-student stuff going on?

No, not really.

What about when we went back to your place?

You what? That's... that's not true.

Why are you doing this? Why are you being so shy?

Jason? We turned on some music, we started kissing. Shut up!

But, JJ, you said it was special.

You... you slept with her?!

No. No! To say the least.

You slept with him? God, Martin, it was a one-time thing.

Put it this way: You're in for a wild ride from this bronco.

He was a virgin, how could I say no?

It won't happen again, okay? I promise. He was just a goof.

Yeah, JJ, tell us more!

Rudell. He let you go on there?

Yeah, I thought it'd be fun.

I mean, I wasn't really supposed to, you know, go all the way with him, but...

I can't believe you.

That couple, you've ruined their relationship.

The show is called "Absolutely Positive" for a reason.

Clearly the only thing Jason was positive about was, uh... yeah.

You really are a sick little twist, you know that?

Well, what does that make you?

I need some air.

By the way, some intern from your office stopped by earlier today with something.

It's on the bar.

What is it?

I think it's time I had a little chat with our neighbor.

No, this is exactly what he wants.

What if he's working with Garson?

Then he can't blackmail me. I want you to wait here.

I'll be right back in a minute. Let me go with you.

I said wait here. Let me just talk to him, okay?

He promised me he wouldn't hurt us. Oh, he did?

When? A few days ago.

You saw him? Yeah, I went to try to find out what he knew. I spent the afternoon with him.

You spent the afternoon with him?

I was doing it for us.

I figured he wouldn't turn us in if...

If you what?!

If I made him think I was interested.

Please tell me that you didn't. No.

No.

I just made him think that I would, so that he wouldn't turn us in.

Thank you.

I appreciate your restraint.

You ungrateful son of a bitch.

I'd think you'd be a little more appreciative. I was doing it for us.

For us? And who were you doing it for when you were doing it with the kid on that show?!

Who was that selfless act for?!

Oh, like you're such a martyr for being faithful.

It shows amazing restraint to limit yourself to just one stepdaughter.

Don't lecture me about infidelity.

Your mother was cheating on me within six months of the "I do's."

If you'll excuse me... Okay, look. I'm sorry.

Let go of me. You're making a mistake, trust me. I said let go of me.

You're hurting me.

Now you wait here until I get back. Do you understand?

Say "Yes, Martin."

Yes, Martin.

Martin. What a surprise.

How are you? I just saw Mini on your show.

Oh, was... was tonight the night?

You know, I auditioned lots of girls, and she was, uh, fucking incredible.

Uh-huh. A real natural, huh?

Yeah, like a duck takes to water.

Totally... willing to take direction.

I wish all the girls I worked with had her, uh... how can I put this?

...need to please. Oh.

Hi, I need the police sent right away to 25051 Mira Loma Lane.

No!

You motherfucker!

Ow ow ow ow!

Where are they, huh?

What are you talking about?

Don't fuck with me... the negatives, where are they?

What?

How do you like that, you son of a bitch, huh?

You thought you could have my wife, then my daughter?

Well, I'm sorry, pal.

She's mine.

Okay, you listen to me, you son of a bitch, you give me those negatives or, so help me God, I'm gonna crack your head open!

Let him go!

Go get the negatives. No, this is insane!

Stop! No stop! I need those negatives.

You're gonna kill him! Stop!

What the hell is wrong with you? He's gonna tell everybody!

Freeze! Sheriff's Department!

Drop the club! He's crazy. I told him to stop.

I told him.


With Rudell having slipped into a coma after the fight, and Garson uncovering my mom's affair with him, suddenly that gas-gauge theory went from circumstantial to airtight.

Martin realized trying to pin anything on me would probably get him the chair.

At his sentencing, I begged for leniency.

Hey! Hey.

I'm sorry I'm late. It's okay.

I forgot to bring that book you wanted.

It's all right. You can mail it to me.

Are you okay? Have you showered since you've been in here?

Uh-huh.

You know, in here you gotta be careful when you... so how's school?

Oh my God, you'll never guess what happened.

What happened? As many of you know, the past few months of my life have been very difficult.

I don't know how I would've gotten through it without all of you.

I really think it's a testament to the love in this institution that I stand before you today as the first straight-C student in school history to be voted valedictorian.

But don't you have to be... The best student? I know.

But the students voted and they said they wanted me to have it for..."demonstrating remarkable courage in the face of unspeakable loss."

Huh.

Wow, I wonder how the real valedictorian must feel about that.

Again to Marvin Tepperman, the real valedictorian, he deserved this and I want to wish him a speedy recovery.

I spoke to his doctors today and they say with medication and therapy, Marvin should be able to attend Harvard this fall.

Did Rudell come out of his coma yet?

I don't know. Why?

Why? Because if he recovers, he could blackmail you with those pictures.

I wouldn't worry about that.

Yeah, but if the DA got those pictures, he could...

I'm pretty sure he won't be doing anything with them.

I have met some people in here who can help us with him if it comes down to that.

Help us? Well, they know people on the outside that we could pay to stop him from taking advantage of you.

Oh, that's so romantic!

It's like you're a real-life criminal with connections and everything, but I'm a little surprised you haven't figured it out yet.

Figured what out?

Rudell didn't send those pictures.

You remember Aurelio? Aurelio?

Our cabana boy from Mexico. Uh-huh.

Yeah, what a sweetie.

I thought I might have to fuck him, but just giving him the camera was enough.

You mean that you...

While I may not have excelled in the classroom, I think that my recent experiences in that bigger schoolhouse we call life has taught me a few lessons that I'd like to share with my fellow graduates.

Martin, it was pretty clear Garson wasn't gonna give up, and sooner or later he'd find enough to charge us.

It just seemed ridiculous that we'd both end up suffering.

How could you do this to me?!

Follow your heart and don't question it no matter where it tells you to go.

Come on, you would have done it if you'd thought of it first.

Why the fuck did you do this to me?!

Trust me, it'll open up a world of new experiences you can't even imagine.

Hey, listen, since conjugal visits are pretty much out of the question, I was thinking maybe we could try a little prison phone sex.

You know, I might even be able to pop one out right here without anyone seeing. Are you ready?

Guard! Are you sure?

I won't be able to come back for a few weeks.

Don't forget your family, your parents.

Wait, have you met someone in here? Guard!

Don't forget they're people too, and while you may not always agree with them...

Why, you old dog! I knew you wouldn't be single in here for long.

...remember to love them when they need love.

Guard, she did it! She just admitted it!

And I mean really love them.

Don't just pay them lip service.

It was her idea! It was your fucking idea!

Really do it whenever you can. Don't let her leave!

She's guilty! Get the warden! What the fuck are you...

I know I did. You little fuckin' whore!

I'm gonna kill you, you little fuckin' bitch!

Get down!

And I just wish that my dad could be here today, so that after this speech, I could walk into the audience and give him my love right here in front of all of you.

Come here! Motherfucking...

Thank you and good luck.

Hmm, persistent, isn't he?

The truth is I wouldn't mind being cuffed by him, and he would be my first detective.

Like I promised... with desire, focus and the willingness to treat any obstacle as an opportunity, it's amazing what you can accomplish.

And in case you're feeling guilty about having no one to identify with but me, relax.

There's a first time for everything.