Miranda (1948) Script

The doctor says the coffee is no good.

I made it the same as I always do.

It should be alright, then.

Things are a bit strained in there this evening.

What's it about this time? Only the holiday.

He wants to go to Cornwall and she doesn't.

But darling, you're very fond of fish.

I may be. But I'm not fond of catching them.

Well, there is no need for you to fish. You can just sit in the boat.

Exactly.

I can just sit in the boat.

I've been doing that for the past 5 years.

I'm sick and tired of sitting in a boat.

If you feel like that about it I'll go on my own.

Very well.

What?

I think perhaps a holiday apart might be a very good thing for both of us.

In other words you're off in search of a little adventure, all on your own.

If I were in search of that sort of adventure, I shouldn't go to Cornwall.

Well, you never know what you might find down there if you try.

Darling, because I want to go fishing and you don't?

I'm perfectly content to stay at home.

Very well.

Then I will have a bachelor holiday.

I think I might rather enjoy a bit of fishing.

Alone.


I suppose you think you're seeing things.

Yes, nurse.

Nurse?

You are a nurse, aren't you?

Do I look like a nurse?

No.

I must have hit my head as I went down.

I wish you wouldn't stare.

You're certainly not a nurse.

Who are you?

Miranda.

Miranda.

Where am I? You're in my cave.

I brought you here. You fell out of your boat.

Fell? I was pulled. You're a rotten swimmer.

I may be a bit light headed, but to me you seem to have a ..

Tail? Yes.

I have .. I'm a mermaid.

That doctor Martin is late. Hmm.

He's had The Adventure out all day, ain't he George?

Hmm.

Are you going out to look for him? No.

He knows what he's doing of.

I love tall men.

The last two I caught were so short I had to throw them back again.

How do I get out of here?

That's the only way.

Oh that?

I could never do it.

You could if I helped you.

But I'm not going to.

Why not? Because I'm lonely.

But you wouldn't dream of keeping me here.

Why, I'm a respectable married man.

Oh. So you've got a wife? Yes.

Well there are plenty of men on land. She'll soon find another one.

How do you mean?

I'm thinking of keeping you here for myself.

You couldn't do that. Oh, couldn't I?

There is a dreadful shortage of men below sea.

But I couldn't live here.

That's what they all think at first.

Do you mean to tell me that other men have lived here?

Several.

But not with me.

You are my first adventure.


Where did you get all these?

I picked them up mostly from ships.

So, you can read?

Of course.

I suppose you don't know what happened to Amber in chapter 18?

The same as happened in chapter 17, only twice.

Oh, I'm beginning to feel hungry.

You haven't got any food here, I suppose?

There you are.

That?

Oh, thank you.

Well.

Don't you eat fish?

Yes, but not raw.

And certainly not alive.

How funny you are.

Hey! Hey, where are you going?

Oh ..


I'm so happy.

Are you, Miranda?

I love the way you say Miranda.

Say it again.

Miranda.

Miranda.

Miranda.

You have the most beautiful knees.

What does it feel like to have two legs?

Oh, I find them quite useful.

What would my sisters say if they could see me now.

Yes. And what would my wife say if she could see me.

Is she as pretty as I am, Paul?

Hmm. She's quite attractive.

Then why did you leave her?

I haven't.

I'm having a week's holiday. That's all.

Oh .. are you?

But I'm going to keep you here.

Unless.

Unless what?

You take me on land with you.

On land?

You? Yes, why not?

I've always wanted to go and this is my chance.

You're a doctor. You can take me as your invalid patient.

But ..?

Oh, my tail. You can wrap it up.

But you will have to buy me some clothes.

Some wonderful ones.

Where does your wife get hers?

Manell.

Oh yes.

I've seen some of his in Vogue.

They'll have to be specially long.

But what's wrong with that?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing at all.

I want to see all the sights.

I want to go to Buckingham Palace and Billingsgate Market.

But most of all, I want to go to the opera.

It's out of the question.

What would people say?

I mean ..

How would I get you out of here?

Miranda, what would you eat?

Where would you sleep?

Miranda, please! Miranda!

Miranda.

Oh.

Alright.

[ Telephone ]

Yes?

You wish to speak to Monsieur Manell personally?

Shall I tell him?

Oh yes, Dr Martin.

Long distance for you, Monsieur. Dr Paul Martin from Cornwall.

Oh, how tiresome.

Manell here.

Dr Martin?

How charming of you.

Yes. Well, I'm ringing from the Anchor Hotel, Pendar.

Pendar.

Yes, I want three evening dresses.

Two day-dresses.

And a what-you-call-it, a travelling coat.

I want you to make them a foot longer than usual.

And send them to me here.

Cornwall?

But Doctor Martin, without a fitting it is most irregular.

Dresses, they're very long for madame.

They will drag on the floor.

Very well, Dr Martin as a very special favour to you.

They will have to be from stock of course.

Oh yes, with any little alterations that madame should require.

Yes. Yes, they shall be sent out today or tomorrow at the latest.

The colours you leave to me?

Well.

I have one very chic dress of sea-green taffeta.

Clare, where are you?

Isobel, what's all this about? A surprise. Look.

Isn't it wonderful? Oh darling, it's lovely.

I'm so glad both for you and Nigel.

You're sweet. I simply had to tell you on my way out.

Oh, any news of Paul? Yes, there is.

Considerable news. What do you mean?

My dear, he's bringing a patient back with him from Cornwall.

To live here for three weeks.

What here, in this flat?

But Clare, who is it?

Oh, I don't know. Some old dear he met in Pendar.

She can't walk.

Oh darling, she'll never stop ringing for bottles.

I know. They are coming tonight.

Well, I suppose husbands on holiday could get into worst mischief.

Well, that's one thing I never have to worry about.


There.

Now we should be quite safe.

What would they do if they find out about me?

Oh I don't know. Probably put you in a peep-show I suppose.

Oh, how disgusting. Hmm.

I remember I did see a mermaid once, in a glass case in ..

In Port Said. A pickled one.

Oh that must have been pour aunt Augusta.

Yes, she wasn't in the least like you.

She was very old. And very pickled.

This all looks very nice, Betty. Thank you.

Will the old lady be dining with you or here in her room tonight, madam?

Oh, in here I expect.

She is sure to be feeling tired after her journey.

I'm sorry about all this extra work. Oh, I shall manage.

When is Charles going to meet the train? I think he's just leaving.

[ Doorbell ]

Martin? Yep.

Couple of cases. Sign here. Number 11.

Where are they?

Here, son.

Here. Martin. Two cases. Number 11. Sign here.

Whatever is all this?

A barrel of oysters .. from Cornwall.

What's in this one?

Fish.

"Miss Trewella. Care of Martin."

Trewella? That must be the old lady's name.

Yes, I don't mind saying I'm against the whole thing. Turn the place upside down.

Billingsgate.

[ Door knocks ]

Yes?

May I have a word with you, madam? Yes, Charles.

This old lady that's coming to stay, madam.

I hope I shan't be expected to wheel her about in a bath-chair.

Oh.

No, madam.

Very well, Charles. I will speak to the doctor about it.

Very good, madam.

Is this really London? Yes.

But it looks so dirty.

It is a bit, isn't it. Look, Miranda.

I think I'd better go on first and have a talk with Clare.

What will I do? My car will be here.

Charles will drive you round for a bit while I go on by taxi.

Charles? Yes. He's my chauffeur.

Oh.


Evening, Betty. Evening, sir.

Have a nice holiday? What?

Oh yes. Yes I did, thank you.

Darling. Paul.

My sweet.

Oh you look wonderfully well. Have you had a good time?

Magnificent. Did you catch any big ones?

Rather. One whopper. How big?

Big.

Well. Now that's over, suppose you start explaining?

Did you get my letter? I did?

Where is Miss ..? Trewella, dear.

I came by taxi. I left her with Charles. He's bringing her by a roundabout route.

She wanted to see Buckingham Palace. Good heavens.

You don't really mind me bringing her here, do you Clare?

I suppose not.

She is by no means a straightforward case.

What actually is the matter with her?

Well I told you, dear. She couldn't walk.

Her main trouble is a mental one.

Don't tell me she's a little dotty? Far from it.

But you'll have to help me, Clare.

How?

Well, to begin with, the poor child ..

Child?

How old is she, Paul?

Quite young. Could be any age really.

Yes.

I had been picturing someone .. rather old.

Oh had you, dear? Why?

Oh, I don't know.

A bath-chair. Association of ideas, I suppose.

You were saying: the poor child?

Oh yes. Yes. She's met very few people.

In fact, she's had hardly any social life at all.

I see.

That explains Buckingham Palace.

She believes in starting at the top.

Buckingham Palace, Miss.

Oh stop, Charles. Please stop.

Look at that beautiful man.

Over there by the box.

Does he live here?

Him?

No, Miss .. he just works here.

You've got a nicer uniform, though.

Charles.

Are you married?

No, Miss. Just walking out.

Walking out of what?

Isn't she very pretty?

Well, you'll see for yourself, Miss. She's Betty. She ..

She works at that flat.

Do you live at the flat, too?

Yes, Miss.

I shall like that.

I had to get her away from Cornwall.

She needs to be taken out of herself.

That, combined with a very special diet ..

Should put her on her feet again.

I'm afraid we can't quite hope for that.

Darling, her diet isn't going to be too difficult for Betty to cope with is it?

No, no. Quite simple.

Light, you know.

No meat, but .. fish.

Plenty of fish.

Paul, why couldn't she have gone to a nursing home?

Oh, that wouldn't suit Miranda's case at all.

Miranda?

Yes.

A pretty name, isn't it.

Do you call her Miranda? Yes.

She doesn't call you Paul by any chance?

As a matter of fact she does.

Really?

Well darling, it's business, You know.

There is one thing I absolutely insist on. You've got to get a nurse for her.

A nurse?

Yes.

I'll ring nurse Carey.

That's a very good idea.

For Carey?

I thought that was the one you were never going to use again.

No?

Nurse Carey is a bit eccentric, that's all. Might be a good thing in this case.

I give up.

Nurse Carey?

Doctor Martin.

Very well. And you?

Good.

Nurse .. are you on a case just now?

No, I'm not on a case just now, doctor.

I see.

I beg your pardon?

The birds are twittering so loudly.

Birds.

Yes. I can call round and see you tonight.

Yes, nurse.

You will .. you will live here, of course?

Oh, it will be for four weeks.

Four weeks?

I thought you said three? Darling, please.

Darling.

No, nurse, that was Mrs ..

I beg your pardon?

Tonight. Yes.

Oh no, I can be round in two toots.

I was just having a quiet ..

I said, I was just having a quiet evening at home.

Am I heavy? No, Miss.

Quite the opposite.

You are so strong, Charles.

I keep fit, Miss.

You have got such muscles.

I do a bit of rowing.

I suppose that's it.

Doesn't that give you a funny feeling?

Yes, Miss.

Good evening.

Good evening, Miss.

Tell the doctor I have taken Miss Miranda to the bedroom, will you.

Are we going to your bedroom now, Charles?

Well ..?

Have you got to put me down?

No, Miss.

I've told you not to call me "Miss" when we're alone.

Force of habit.

You've got such nice ears.

Have I? Yes.

Nice and big.

My father always told me I looked like a spaniel.

That's because you look so sad.

Well, it is sad.

That you can't walk.

I don't feel in the least sad.

I believe you like being carried. I do.

I do.

Very much.

Charles.

You can put Miss Trewella down now.

Well.

A nice way to behave.

An "old lady" indeed. Not that you weren't enjoying yourself.

You know, it's a funny thing, but she's got such a cold ..

When you carry her.

Clare.

This is Miss Trewella.

Miranda.

How do you do. How do you do.

You are very beautiful, aren't you.

Paul said you were just nice-looking.

Did he now? Well ..

You must be feeling tired after your journey.

Oh no. I'm far too excited to be tired.

You're going to bed as soon as Nurse Carey gets here.

No I'm not. I feel wonderful.

You're going to be bed. I'm your doctor. No.

Thank you. Dr Martin?

Is he expecting you, madam? Yes. I'm nurse Carey.

Would you mind waiting in the study, please?

Certainly.

Well I think it is most unfair. I've always wanted to come to London.

Does that taste of anything?

Would you like to try?

No. I don't like fire so near my face.

Will it worry you if I do? Not at all.

Do you always have to cook it or can you eat it raw?

Excuse me, sir. There is a nurse Carey to see you. She's in the study, sir.

Oh yes. I'd better see her right away.

Excuse me, will you.

I love Charles, don't you?

Now you've embarrassed him.

Did a box of fish arrive? Yes, sir. Addressed to Miss Trewella.

Then take it into Miss Trewella's bathroom, will you.

The box of fish, sir? Open it first, of course.

Of course, sir.

Of course?

Have you any family in Cornwall, Miranda?

Oh yes, there are dozens of us. Dozens?

Yes. Some of them are rather nice.

But I've got one sister that I can't bear.

Fortunately she lives in the South Pacific.

So I don't have to see her very often.

No, I suppose not.

We used to sing good duets, though.

I have rather a nice voice, you know.

You know a lot about music? No, practically nothing.

But I'd give anything to go to the opera.

Well, if Paul says you can we might make up a party and go. Tomorrow, perhaps.

How wonderful.

Then I can see all the people and they can see me and no-one will suspect.

Suspect what?

That I can't walk.

You see, nurse Carey. This is a rather peculiar case.

But I thought it may be.

Seeing that it's so long since I had the pleasure of a case from you.

I am supposed to be "eccentric".

Is that the word?

How peculiar is this case, doctor?

Well, to start with, it must be treated with the utmost secrecy.

A woman?

Yes, nurse. A young woman. Oh.

And how ill is this patient?

Well, in a manner of speaking, she isn't actually ill at all.

Oh, isn't she?

I see.

Goodnight.

No, no, nurse. It isn't that at all.

Please nurse, please. You must believe me.

I am trusting you absolutely, nurse.

Very well.

I don't want to know anything you don't want to tell me, I'm sure.

You want a bath-chair, the patient is very peculiar.

No talking.

And I'm to be here at 10 o'clock.

Good day, Dr Martin.

Oh, let me see you to the door, nurse.

[ Telephone ]

Hello? Oh, Isobel.

No.

No, I don't think you'd better tonight.

What?

She's very different from what I expected.

I'll tell you tomorrow.

Yes, darling.

Is Nigel with you?

Give him my love.

Oh, he's wonderfully well. Fishing always agrees with him.

Yes, he's caught quite a lot.

In fact the whole flat is full of fish.

Darling, I've got to go now. Goodbye.

Are you alright?

Well, I'm alright now.

But I think smoking is horrible.

How extraordinarily cold you are.

Am I?

Yes.

Terribly cold.

Who is Isobel?

She lives in the flat above. She runs a hat shop.

Oh, I've never worn a hat.

And Nigel? Her fiancée.

He's a painter. Is he handsome?

Isobel thinks so. Do you?

I just think Paul is.

So do I.

One moment. Excuse me, darling. Do you mind?

Now Miranda, you can say goodnight. Bed.

Won't Clare mind?

Have I said the wrong thing?

"You are so strong, Charles."

"You have such muscles."

"I love your ears."

"Nice and big."

Do you think Clare likes me?

I'll find out.

What about the nurse, Paul? I've picked one who won't say a thing.

No, no. You can't undress here.

Why not? Well, never mind.

It's very odd.

Aren't you going to stay? No, Miranda.

Say "Miranda" again. Miranda.

Miranda. Miranda.

Lovely.

Goodnight.

[ Miranda singing ]

[ Miranda singing. Loud. ]

[ Miranda singing ]

Better hurry, darling. That nurse of yours will be here any minute.

I know.

Thank you, darling.

Did Miranda sleep well?

Well, apparently. She's very lively this morning, anyway.

And do we all go to the opera tonight? Opera?

Yes, she's simply dying to.

I don't think it's a very good idea. Oh, I do.

You do?

Yes. After all, you've always said she needs taking out of herself.

We can borrow Mark's box at Covent Garden. He's away.

Yes. Yes, we could do that.

Have a look and see what we're doing tonight.

I can go up to Isobel's and ask her to come too, and she can bring Nigel.

Tonight .. "Rheingold".

Oh dear, I hate all those dreary mermaids.

Do you? Oh, do you, dear?

That must be nurse Carey.

Yes. Yes, I'd better see Miranda.

Tell Charles to bring the nurse to Miranda's room will you.

Oh .. Miranda.

Well, where are they, then? I don't know.

Shan't be long, nurse.

Miranda, you mustn't do that.

What room is that?

That's the bathroom.

Oh, and it's .. it's full of fish.

Fish?

Miss Miranda.

Now let it go, girl.

Oh. Oh, good morning, nurse.

I was just preparing the patient.

That's what it sounded like.

Yes, well perhaps you'd like to see for yourself.

Yes.

Oh, nurse. I must tell you.

Miss Trewella sleeps .. in her bath.

Oh? Yes.

Yes. In a bath full of cold water.

Well, everyone to their taste, I suppose.

Miranda.

This is nurse Carey.

Hello, nurse .. have an oyster.

Oh the pretty thing.

It's a mermaid.

I've always believed in them.

Oh doctor, this is delightful.

Now dear, hurry up and finish your breakfast.

Hello, darling. Clare.

Well come on, tell me all about it.

There's plenty to tell you, I can assure you.

The "old lady" has turned out to be very young and very pretty.

Darling, there is more to Paul than I thought.

Yes. Her name is Miranda Trewella.

And if you ask me, she's got Paul by the ears.

Darling, I can't wait to see her.

Well, you can see her tonight. We're taking her to the opera.

Paul and I thought perhaps you and Nigel would like to come too?

I think we'd love to. What's on? Rheingold.

Well, I'm not mad about opera myself, but Nigel is.

I'm going to watch Miranda working on your Paul.

Well, you won't be the only one watching, believe me.

What?

Raw fish sandwiches. Doctor's orders.

For you know who.

Yes.

The one you're so taken up with.

Miss Trewella.

That looks very nice, Betty.

These are the special ones for Miss Trewella. - Thank you.

Madam .. about that matter of the bath-chair?

Oh yes, Charles. I've spoken to the doctor about it.

It's alright, you needn't wheel it out.

Well, I've changed my mind, madam.

Have you?

I shall be very pleased to wheel the young lady out, madam.

And now that I've seen her.

Well .. I feel ..

You feel what, Charles?

Sorry for her, madam.

I'll tell her, Charles.

I wish you would, madam.

My great grandmother visited land when she was a girl.

She sang at St Anna church. Mind that thermometer.

She was rather naughty, though.

There was a choirboy called Matthew Trewella.

I see.

What does it say? Nicely below normal.

Are you married, nurse Carey?

My husband died ten years ago.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was very glad.

Oh?

Men are fickle creatures. Oh, I love them.

Excuse me, Miss Miranda.

Don't you find your tail rather a ..

Handicap with the gentlemen?

Oh no.

It provides what you might call an "element of surprise".

I shouldn't wonder.

There are the others.

Miss Lambert and Mr Hood please, madam.

Clare. Hello, darling.

Nigel, this is the first chance I've had to congratulate you.

Thank you. Hello, Nigel.

Come and get a drink. Fine.

Where is she?

Darling, she won't be a moment. She's got to be dressed.

Nigel ought to be dressed, too.

Oh, it suits him to be untidy.

But it doesn't suit me. Just look at that tie.

Alright?

Yes, very nice. Cheers.

Good luck.

Tell me, Paul.

What's this about your new patient?

It sounds very interesting. What does?

This .. psychological cure you're doing.

Isobel told me about it. Of course, she was rather flippant.

She very often is, you know.

Oh. What did she say?

She said the treatment was all fish and faith.

Excuse me.

Oh dear, you must have got hold of one of Miranda's specials.

Ha-ha. That's the fish part of the cure, Nigel.

Charles, I'll take her.

I can manage, sir. I'll take her, Charles.

Well, I could manage, sir.

Miranda .. this is Isobel.

You were the one that sells hats?

Yes. How do you do?

And is this Nigel, your boyfriend?

Yes, he sells paintings. How do you do.

He's beautiful.

Are you allowed to drink, Miranda?

A glass of salt water, please.

A what?

A glass of salt water.

I say, that's a funny thing to drink.

But .. doctor's orders.

Well, I'd better ring for Charles.

[ Buzzer ]

She wears the most beautiful dress I've ever seen.

That's nice.

You must be somebody like her to get away with it though.

If you're like her you can get away with anything, it seems to me.

What?

[ Buzzer ]

Aren't you ever going to answer that bell?

Or do you want me to carry you in, Charles, darling?

How about a sandwich?

Thank you.

What's the matter?

You really liked that?

It's lovely. Why?

Well .. oh nothing, no.

You rang, sir? Ah, Charles.

Bring Miss Trewella a glass of salt water.

Yes, sir.

Salt water, sir? About a heaped dessert spoonful.

Very good, sir.

If I get a mouthful of salt water when I'm bathing ..

I'm practically sick on the spot.

Do you like the sea? I love it.

So do I.

Well, I must say she has the most repellent manners.

Well they don't seem to repel everyone, apparently.

She's got some nice clothes, too.

Yes, I've been noticing them.

Salt water, sir. Thank you, Charles.

You can go and get the car now.

Yes, sir.

Try some of this cocktail.

Oh, horrid.

Your salt water, Miranda.

Lovely.

I'll get you a drink, Nigel.

Is the drink alright, darling?

Do have another sandwich.

Oh Isobel, could I be a customer of yours?

Why yes, I suppose so.

I'd love to have a hat like that.

I don't wear one as a rule.

You look as though you always shopped in Paris.

Well it is surprising what you can find in Cornwall if you try.

You are not going to tell me that dress came off the peg in Pendar's stores?

This dress?

Why, no.

I ran it up myself.

I say, that's very clever of you, Miranda.

I wish Isobel could do a thing like that.

Yes. Well I think we should be getting along.

Are we all set? Why yes, Paul.

I think that would be a good idea.

Come along, darling.

Well, I'll carry you down, Miranda. No, no. That's alright.

You would probably drop her. Now don't be absurd.

I won't drop her.

I know exactly how to lift her. Now look here.

Excuse me, sir.

Why, Charles. How nice of you.

Well, she's certainly a man's woman.

You know, there's something about that dress ..

It came from Manell, of course.

Yes.

I must pay Manell a visit tomorrow.

She's incredibly pretty.

She is pretty incredible.

Nurse.

Yes?

Have a sandwich, nurse. They've got to be eaten up.

Oh, thank you.

I do feel rather peckish.

Miss Trewella is very different from what we were expecting.

I'm sure she is.

What's her trouble?

Paraplegia, perhaps.

Or maybe poliomyelitis.

Sounds awful.

It is an extraordinary case.

Do you think the doctor can cure her?

I wouldn't dare venture an opinion.

She is very pretty.

Enchanting.

Have another sandwich, nurse. Oh, thanks.

I enjoy my food.

Are you .. are you really enjoying it, Miranda?

Oh yes.

I'm frightfully hot. I can't wait for the drinks.

Me too. What about you, Miranda?

Nigel, would you mind going ..

No, you go and have drink. I'll wait here with Miranda.

But .. Come along, darling.

Alright.

I'll bring you something back, Miranda.

Nigel. Hmm?

I think you're very nice.

Do you?

You don't know me very well.

Oh yes I do.

Well how could you, after such a short time?

Knowing some people is a matter of instinct.

How long have you and Isobel been engaged?

Exactly three days.

But it's taken me three years to talk her into it.

How could she resist you?

There is something about your face.

That makes me want to cry.

Oh yes. Yes, I often feel that way about it myself.

Such nice hands.

I'd .. I'd have known you were an artist.

Would you paint me?

Oh yes, I'd like to.

I'd like to very much. Oh, would you?

Yes .. only ..

Would you mind not mentioning it to Isobel.

Oh, of course.

It will be a secret between you and me. Yes.

Ooh!

What is it, dear? Cockles.

Oh no, we can't. Oh yes we can.

Come on, Miss. Make way for the lady. Excuse me.

Yes, sweetie? Two pints, please.

Two pints? You going to have a party? No, just a snack.

You're a girl after my own heart.

Darling, you can't do this.

I've never touched a cockle in my life. Why not?

I couldn't.

If you ask me, I don't think they're respectable.

I know winkles aren't.

Here.

Stop .. stop! You must stop.

Oh Miss. Let her have her fling.

She likes her cockles, same as me.

Quite right. More please.

Yes. Give her some more. Yes.

I'd like to stand you cockles all round.

Come on, there. Here you are.

Here's some for you. Have some vinegar.

I don't think the doctor would approve of this at all.

There's no harm in me having my portrait painted.

I don't know.

When I was sixteen I sat for a sculptor.

Only I wasn't exactly sitting.

He thinks we've gone to the museum.

Precisely. And I don't like deceiving him.

Mister Nigel Hood?

Oh yes. I'll call him.

Mister Hood!

There is no need for you to deceive the doctor.

You're quite right. I will keep my word.

I'll go to the museum.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh yes, yes.

Anything you want to know? Oh, yes.

I was interested in the bandaging, young man.

Bandaging?

Look at the way that's put on. It's all wrong.

It's bound to slip in time.

Well, it's been there two thousand years.

Well it wouldn't satisfy the matron where I was trained.

Nigel. Uhuh?

Who is that?

Oh, just a model.

I'm sure it is very like her.

You know, as a matter of fact it is.

Doesn't Isobel mind you doing things like that?

Oh, she doesn't see eye-to-eye with my painting at all.

She'd rather I designed posters and made a lot of money.

How are you going to paint me? Ah, like ..

Like Venus rising out of the sea.

No.

Why did you say that?

I don't know.

I just see it that way.

Well, I don't want to be painted like Venus.

I don't want the sea in the picture at all.

Oh .. oh, alright.

Very well, Miranda.

I love the way you say Miranda.

Say it again.

Miranda.

Miranda.

Miranda.

Good gracious.

I've got pins and needles in my ..

What's that?

I've got pins and needles.

Oh. Well then, we'll stop.

Isobel is very lucky.

She doesn't seem think so. I'm inclined to agree with her.

Nigel.

Did you ring, madam?

Yes. I want Charles.

Wouldn't I do, madam? Not for what I want.

Charles.

Good morning, Miss.

Come in.

Close the door.

Are you busy today?

Well, Miss ..

I thought you might drive me to the zoo.


Where is Miss Trewella? Out.

Out? But how? Where have you been?

Well, I just nipped round the corner to my little cubbyhole. To feed my birds.

Well, the bird here has flown for the day.

Betty, where on earth is Charles? And the car?

I must have it.

What are you thinking about?

Things I ..

Shouldn't be thinking, mainly.

About me?

Yes.

I'm afraid I'm getting very fond of you, Charles.

Well, I like you very much, too.

I think you are ..

Very pretty and ..

Cool and ..

Awfully cool.

I think we'd better be getting back. Getting back?

It's 4 o'clock and they'll want .. But I'm just getting to know you.

They'll be wanting the car and ..

Mr Manell, Mrs Martin is here. I don't want to see anyone.

Good afternoon. Oh my dear Mrs Martin.

This is wonderful. Do come in. I am absolutely distracted but distracted.

Did you like the dresses I sent to Cornwall?

Not altogether. Oh ..

Well it was such a rush and your husband gave such peculiar instructions.

My husband?

Oh but yes, of course. He telephoned me from Cornwall.

Did he enjoy his holiday?

Oh yes, I should think never a dull moment.

If I thought that you were in league with Paul, I would ..

Mrs Martin, I forbid you to upset me.

You must go away.

Miss Brown, don't just stand there.

Bam .. bam .. bam ..

Bam .. bam .. bam ..

Bam .. bam .. bam ..

If that car ..

Alright, you start.

Darling, you've simply got to do something about Miranda.

I can't have Betty upset and Charles kidnapped.

But I've had to walk and run about all day for taxis. Do you think I want it?

Well then, you've got to put a stop to it.

Then there is another thing.

I've been having a little talk to Manell.

Manell? Oh ..

How is he?

Why did you buy the clothes for Miranda?

What are you up to?

I'm not up to anything.

Well, Miranda didn't have any clothes.

I take it she was running around naked down there?

You know Miranda can't run.

Well, if you ask me there is something very fishy about this case.

Clare.

Clare, I wish you'd trust me about this.

I do.

But I'm watching you as well.

Darling.

Shall I leave it here? Yes.

Nurse. Yes, dear?

You've been married.

Oh yes, love.

And when you were married, did you want to kill him?

Oh yes, dear. That's only normal.

You look a bit off colour.

I think I'll give you a hand with these things.

I was going to marry Charles. But I don't know now.

Well.

He's been acting funny lately.

Funny, love? How?

Well, whenever I go near him or hold his hand or anything he ..

Says I'm hot.

Hot dear?

Yes, says I'm not cold enough.

That's the first time I've ever heard that as a complaint.

He used to be quite the reverse.

Well, I expect it comes from driving a motorcar.

I always think that makes men unnatural.

Any tea left?

Are your ears burning, young man?

My ears?

Evening, Charles. Evening, sir.

Is Mrs Martin home?

No sir, she has gone to the cocktail party.

Charles, you can have the evening off.

Well, I was driving you and Miss Trewella to the party, sir.

I'll drive her.

No, sir. That's quite alright, sir.

I said, have the evening off.

I'll drive her.

Won't Clare mind our not going to the party?

Oh, I called up.

I said I couldn't go because I had promised to take you to the theatre.

And when you tell her that we didn't go to the theatre ..

I won't tell her.

Oh Paul, look. A pool.

Can we stop?

Can we sit on the bank? Hmm.

I've missed you, Paul. Have you, Miranda?

Isn't it lovely to be alone again?


Well?

Unzip me, Paul.

Oh.

Certainly not.

But I will die if I .. if I don't get in the water.

Somebody might .. see you.

Does that matter?

It's heaven.

Come in and get me. Just coming.


You're terribly late.

Oh, Clare. There you are.

I was hoping not to wake you.

I gathered that.

It was all my fault, Clare.

We .. went for a spin.

Is it raining? Raining? No.

I only wondered.

Well, I'll just take Miranda along to her room.

Goodnight, Clare.

Darling.

It's very flattering, Nigel.

It's far from doing you justice.

You make me forget Isobel.

Nigel.

Hmm?

I'm going away soon.

Oh .. Miranda.

But I've got a present for you.

There.

Oh .. oh, thank you.

Thank you, Miranda.

What is it?

It's a lock of my hair.

A lock of your hair?

Yes. You wear it round your neck.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Miranda.

But .. couldn't I just keep it in my pocket?

My .. my breast pocket.

No.

It's a token.

A token of ..?

Of what?

Of a love.

That might have been.

Darling, are you still angry with me?

Of course not. I told you, I've got a headache.

If ..

If Miranda wants to come out tonight, I'd ..

I'd like you to come too.

No, Paul. Not tonight.

Oh, Clare. Please.

No. I'm going to lie down.

There is no reason why you shouldn't take Miranda out.

Is there?

No.

If you .. if you say so.

The doctor has been asking what attracts you so much to the museum.

What did you say?

I passed it off.

You are a dear.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Well, it's a case of what you do in spite of me.

Still, I was young once.

At hospital dances I used to do the gallop with the house surgeon.

And one year I danced a Mazurka.

A solo.

I can't very well do that.

It's a foreign sort of dance, the Mazurka. But very graceful.

[ Singing: ] "Ta da da te ta da da dum .."

Doctor! You made me jump.

Was that it, nurse?

Well really, I think ..

Oh dear, oh dear.

Paul. Hmm?

Does Clare know about me yet?

No, of course not.

Well, it won't be long before she does.

Oh, we'll keep the secret.

I can't help thinking about aunt Augusta and what they did to her.

Paul. Uhuh.

It's the opera again tonight.

Will you take me there?

Oh, it means I'll have to change again.

Paul, please take me for a special reason. Will you?

Alright.

Whatever is this?

They're for you because you are such a dear to me.

I want you to have them now.

But my dear .. I dived for them myself.

Then they are real pearls?

But I can't.

Oh, Miss Miranda.

I've never had a present like this in all my life.

I'm so happy.

Thank you.

Why .. why, Isobel.

What's up? What's up?

Are you surprised to see me?

Oh no .. no, no. Of course not. No.

Well, aren't you going to ask me up?

Yes, yes. Of course.

Isn't this a little bit late for you to be coming here?

I just thought I'd come out and see you.

Oh.

What on earth are you cooking?

Oh .. my supper.

It smells terrible.

What have you got there, Nigel?

Oh, it's nothing, nothing. Just something I've been working on.

May I see? No. I'd rather you didn't.

Oh Nigel. And you're always saying I don't take any interest in your work.

Yes. Well ..

Oh, alright then.

Miranda.

So this is where she goes on her sightseeing tour.

I know that you don't like her.

I don't dislike her, but I think she is rather peculiar.

If you don't see eye-to-eye with people.

You always think they are peculiar.

Why, you even think I'm eccentric.

You've told me so for years.

"Get your hair cut, Nigel. Straighten your tie, Nigel."

"You can't wear sandals, Nigel."

Talking like that, I think you are odd in the head.

There you are! I've bats in my head now, have I?

Well, I'm glad I have.

If you don't like me as I am, you can ..

You can do the other thing.

Are you trying to quarrel with me?

Now, what have I done? What have I said?

It's an accumulation of what you've been doing and saying for the past 3 years.

It's taken you long enough to find out about it. - Far too long.

I know now. We're utterly unsuited to each other.

Oh .. so that's it.

It's this wretched Mona Lisa you've been painting.

Now you leave her out of it. Well it is, isn't it.

Oh, I wasn't born yesterday.

It's a pity you can't throw it at me. You never thought it was good enough.

Oh!

You and Miranda!

Now look what you've done.

It's like I said.

Better to find out our mistakes now. Instead of later.

You don't know what you're saying. You're not even the same person anymore.

Well, I'm not deceiving you anyway.

Not now, you're not. Because I found out about you.

I know.

And I'm sorry about it.

But it's just that.

Well.

This is something stronger than me.


Why Betty, whatever is the matter?

It's Charles, madam. Our engagement is off.

Oh, Betty.

All on account of Miss Trewella. What?

Things have been going on between them. What sort of things?

I don't know, but he's wearing her love-token.

A love-token?

Yes. A lock of her hair made into a sort of pendant.

Do you mean to tell me that Charles is actually wearing a pendant?

Yes, madam. Around his neck?

Where else could he wear it?

He says she wants looking after. I reckon she does, too.

What do you mean? Well.

If you'll forgive my saying so, I think she a bit funny in the head.

For one thing, I think she sleeps the whole night through in a cold bath.

She what?

Yes, I can see the water being run in at night and let out again in the morning.

And the other morning when I cleaned out the bath I found a bit of seaweed in it.

Very peculiar.

And then there is another thing about her that isn't quite nice.

She never wears any panties.

Never wears panties? No.

Plenty of other underclothes she has, but not a single pair of those.

I think there is something fishy about Miss Trewella.


"M."

"M-e."

"M-e-r."

"Mermaid!"

"A mythical creature, half woman, half fish."


All these lovely dresses.

All the lights.

I wish I could stay here forever.

I'm afraid it's impossible, Miranda.

Yes.

Could you get me a glass of water before it starts again?

I'll try.

[ Miranda singing: ]

[ Miranda singing: ]

[ Miranda singing: ]

[ Miranda singing: ]

[ Miranda singing: ]

Now I can say I've sung in Covent Garden.

Yes.

Good evening. I want to see Miss Trewella, please.

Nigel.

Is anything the matter? Is Miranda here?

No, I'm afraid she's out.

Oh, I .. I see.

Clare .. Isobel and I. We've packed up.

Because of Miranda?

You know?

It's an epidemic. What do you mean?

Oh, nothing.

I guessed you'd been seeing her. That's all.

I think you're making a frightful mistake.

The fact that she's an invalid makes absolutely no difference to me.

Well, I admit she's very fascinating.

Have you asked her to marry you?

No .. I haven't been in a position to ask her yet, but ..

I've hinted at it, though.

She hasn't said "yes" by any slip of the tongue?

No, but I think she might.

About Miranda's legs.

I've already told you, it makes absolutely no difference.

No, no, no. You misunderstand me.

Her legs, Nigel.

What are they like?

Well really, I haven't the slightest idea.

I'm surprised that you could ever ask me such a question.

[ Doorbell ]

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to call so late, madam. Come in, Charles.

Well, I used the front door because ..

You didn't want to run into Betty.

Yes, madam.

I want to see Miss Trewella, madam. Oh, I'm afraid she's out, Charles.

Well.

Would you mind if I waited in the hall?

I want to see her rather urgently.

Nonsense, Charles. Come in and wait in the sitting-room.

Well, I gather that your call is a social one. Come on in.

Did I hear you say that you are wanting to see Miss Trewella?

That's right, sir. Oh.

Is she expecting you?

Well, no sir. It's in the nature of a surprise.

Oh, I see. Oh.

I am .. I'm waiting to see her myself.

Is she expecting you, sir?

No, no.

Two surprises.

Is it asking too much for you to put off seeing Miss Trewella until the morning?

I'm afraid it would, sir.

But you can't wait here to see her now.

Yes, sir. Under the circumstances, I can.

I'm going to ask Miss Trewella to be my wife.

What?

Your wife? Yes, sir.

Unless I've mistaken the signs, I rather think her answer is going to be "Yes".

Oh .. oh, do you?

Oh, how extraordinary.

It may interest you, but that's exactly what I'll ask Miss Trewella myself.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm afraid you don't stand a chance.

Well, you see sir, she likes the practical type of man.

Like myself, if you'll forgive me for saying so.

It's a fact she hates the practical type of man and efficiency and all that rot.

She told me. Perhaps, sir.

I'm afraid you've got it all wrong. She told me.

Oh, Charles. Charles, I'm sorry. I'm afraid you're in for a disappointment.

You see, actions count for more than words.

That's alright, sir.

Charles.

Did she tell you it was a token of love which ..

Which might have been, sir?

As a matter of fact, she did.

Well, what will you two men be up to next?

Sugar, Charles? No thank you, madam.

Nigel?

I must be getting along, madam. Yes, I won't wait either.

But .. well, she'll be back any moment.

Could I .. could I have an envelope?

Yes, of course. There is one in the study.

Would you mind returning this to Miss Trewella, madam?

Delighted to, Charles.

Thank you, madam.

Charles. Yes, madam?

There is another thing, if you'll excuse my asking.

Miss Trewella's legs. What are they like?

Madam.

Oh surely you know.

Certainly not, madam. I ..

I hope I always behaved like a gentleman.

You'd be surprised at some gentlemen, Charles.

Yes, madam.

Ah, I think I'll go and have a word with Betty, madam.

Good luck.

Oh, thank you, madam.

[ Doorbell ]

It's alright, Charles. I'll go.

Oh come in, my dear.

Clare, Nigel and I have had the most awful row and broken off our engagement.

Yes, I know. You know?

Then you know it's because of Miranda?

Yes my dear, I do. I know everything.

Oh, what a fool I've been.

It was a good portrait, too. The best he's done.

Oh, I must have been crazy to destroy it.

Now, he'll just start all over again.

Oh, I don't think he will somehow.

I do love him.

I love him terribly. Isn't that silly of me.

Yes, it is.

It's all my fault. If it wasn't for the shop we'd have been married years ago.

Oh Nigel, that was mean of you.

I'm sorry about the portrait.

That's alright.

I'm going to turn it into a sunset.

Are you sure she's really seen it? Quite.

In future, I'd better stick to still life.

Here are my keys. Take them and do what you like to every hat in the place.

Isobel .. Please take them.

It still won't come off.

It doesn't have to, does it?

Look, do you mind going upstairs?

I'm terribly sorry but I'll explain it all to you tomorrow.

Oh well.

Alright.


Hello.

Hello, Clare. Hello, Clare.

How is the head? Oh, gone entirely.

Have you had a good time?

It's been a wonderful evening.

What are you doing?

Oh, only the crossword. But you hate them.

Oh, just killing time, you know.

Unfortunately, I got stuck.

What do you want to know?

A seven-letter word beginning with "M".

A creature of the species "Manatee".

Manatee.

All it says here is "an aquatic mammal".

"A mythical creature half-woman, half fish."

"A sea cow."

A sea-cow? Miranda.

She knows .. she's been spying on me.

You're not going to call me a sea-cow and get away with it.

Then you ..

Really are a .. Yes.

Miranda is .. a mermaid.

But if you think you're going to take a peek at my tail, you're much mistaken.

Am I awake?

Now she thinks I'm a nightmare.

I'm hot.

I want a glass of water.

Very well.

You've hated me ever since I set tail in this house.

No, I ..

Phew.

Is there anything I can do, doctor? No, she's a little over-tired, is all.

Nurse Carey will be back any moment. When she is, tell her to go to .. bed.

You can all go to bed.

I don't want her to be disturbed.

I ..

I wonder what's upset her. I should have thought you would know.

Oh Betty.

No, you can't drop me one moment then pick me up the next.

But all I want is a little warmth and comfort.

Warmth?

The trouble with you is you don't know what you do want.

Well, I've failed.

I'm just a fish out of water.

You haven't failed, Miranda. You've already had two visitors tonight.

Nigel and Charles.

What did they want?

Well, I think they both wanted to marry you.

Both of them?

Isn't it absurd?

Were they here together?

Yes.

I shall never be able to face them again.

They asked me to return these to you.

My tokens.

How funny human-beings are about presents.

Paul!

Oh .. Paul.

My dear, it's a wonder you've any hair left.

They are only made from combings.

Well, aren't there any men under the sea who you could give them to?

Oh yes, a few.

But they have little eyes and flat noses. Most unattractive.

That's why we're practically extinct.

Clare.

You can see my tail if you want to.

Oh.

Sometime, perhaps.

It's quite pretty when it's wet, isn't it, Paul.

Oh charming. Perfectly charming.

Have you met any of Miranda's sisters? No. No.

They're at Majorca until the spring.

I'm going there too.

I want to be somewhere lovely in May.

I'll lie in my bath now.

Give me a few minutes, Clare. And then you can come through and see my tail.

By then, it will be a little less dehydrated looking.

Put me in my chair, Paul.

Now I can manage. You're quite sure?

Kiss me, Paul.

Now you'd better go back to Clare.

Yes.

Sorry she found out about me.

It doesn't matter.


Well darling, that's settled then.

I feel much happier now you know it.

But we can't keep this to ourselves.

Darling, we must.

Paul, it is our duty to make it public.

No, Clare It wouldn't be fair to Miranda.

But Paul ..

No, I promised Miranda it would be a secret, and I'll not go back on my word.

Paul. Huh?

Her tail. Is it very odd?

No. Not really, just like ..

Oh .. they've gone have they?

Just a snack, dear.

Would you like me to come in with you? Certainly not.

Miranda.

Miranda?

Paul!

She's gone. What?

Gone. And her chair has gone, too.

There she is.

Miranda, come back! Wait!

Miranda!

Quickly, Paul.

Miranda!

Stop, Miranda!

Come back!


Oh Paul. She's gone.

Will she be alright? Hmm.

I've seen her swim. She'll be alright once she makes the open sea.

Maybe it's just as well.

Next year I'm going to come fishing with you.

I don't think I shall want to go fishing next year.

No more bachelor holidays?

Never again.

Poor Miranda.

She'll be happy basking in the sunshine in Majorca.

0h yes, Majorca.

I wonder why she said she wanted to be somewhere lovely in May.

I wonder.


-(Ro-S)-