Modern Family S1E18 Script

Starry Night (2010)

What's my favorite way to relax?

Throw on my wireless headphones and disappear into the Nature Channel.

♪♪ [Instrumental] [Man] The young flatback turtle searches for food... on the ocean floor.

This flatback, however- [Phil] The fascinating thing about nature... is how, in the blink of an eye, it can go from a scene of total tranquil beauty... to raw, primal violence.

Can you seriously not hear me with those things on?

It's noise-canceling technology. Give it a spin. It's got-

Sweetie, focus, now. Mom, why are you freaking out on everyone?

Because you are acting very irresponsibly- all of you.

Listen, honey. Luke has a giant project due tomorrow for school that he hasn't even started, and Haley just informed me she needs 40 cupcakes for her school fund-raiser, also due tomorrow.

I'd like to point out I completed all my assignments on my own and on time.

[Together] Not now, Alex.

I will take the cupcakes. You do the project. It's on Vincent van Gogh.

Done! I need you to really stay on him. Keep him focused.

All right. I'm actually gonna take a different approach, but-

Actually gonna insist that you don't.

Claire, I know you've got your methods, but so do I.

And I'm sorry, but I'm not a micromanager.

Trust me, I can provide Luke with the tools and guidance he needs... without, uh, smothering him.

You think I smother our child? It's not your fault, honey.

"Mother" is part of the word.

You never hear of anyone being "sfathered" to death.

I know what Luke's problem is. He's got A.D.H.D.

[Claire] No. No, I don't!

What is it? I'd tell you, but you'd wander off before I got to the "H."

Just promise me that you will stay on him until this project is done.

I will, but you might have a little more confidence in him.

Wah! Wah! No one can hear me now.


Everybody is stupid except me.

Ha, ha, ha. I am funny.

[Man] ♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey Hey ♪♪

Is this the cutest thing I've ever seen?

You out here on the curb with your little telescope, waiting for your dad.

It's not cute. It's-lt's science.

Tonight is the magnificent Lyrid meteor shower.

It's where the planet Geek passes through the Nerdy Way. It-

Oh, you know I think it's sweet.

Every couple years, Mitchell and his father go out and enjoy one of these showers together.

Oh, I- I wouldn't necessarily put it that way.

I mean, yes, me and my father enjoy it, because we don't share a lot of the same interests.

Like, um, I-I never went to sports games with him.

Probably because you call 'em "sports games."

Just lose the "sports." Just- Just games.

Oh, here comes your shower partner. Stop it.

I'm kidding. Have fun with your dad, okay? All right. See you later.

Don't worry about me. I'm not.

I'm just saying, if you were.

Shotgun, sucka! [Jay Laughing]

[Cameron] Make sure your seat is exactly the way you want it, and feel free to play with any of these controls up here.

I have no idea what they do. But I want mi car to be su car.

Cameron, are you okay? You seem nervous.

Uh, nervous? No. I'm not nervous.

I was nervous.

I mean, when Mitchell made plans with his father, I figured, why not spend the evening with Gloria?

I've always wanted to be good friends with her.

On paper, we should be good friends.

Look at us. One spicy, curvy diva-

And Gloria.

The problem is, I had a little minor setback that we had to overcome... from a couple weeks ago.

[Phil, Jay Chattering] I cannot stand hanging out with his lvy League friends.

Oh, they're the worst. They're not that bad.

They are the worst! Are you kidding me?

Debbie can't go two minutes without talking about Columbia University.

And the little guy with the lazy eye from Harvard. Brown.

Whatever. Honestly, I wish that tart would go back to Columbia... and take her weird little Brown friend with her.

[Chuckles] [Chattering Stops]

[Mouthing Words]

Cam, you need to relax. You explained.

Not very well.

You know how awkward I get when things get awkward.

So when I said "Brown people," I wasn't talking about your, uh, brown people.

I was talking about people who go to a university.

Um, not your people.

N-Not that your people couldn't go to college.

Okay, now I'm hearing myself say "your people" a lot, so-


Um, just very excited because this is, um- you know, this is our first night out together, so it's our little date.

Where are we going?

Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened... and your tray tables are in the upright position... because I got us into Palaiseau!

Ah! Fancy! I know.

It's normally a four-week wait, but the maître d' is an old Pilates brother of mine, so just one phone call.


Palaiseau! [Chuckles]

Ay, Cameron, you know what? I don't know if I'm in the mood for something so fancy.

Can we just go somewhere, like, more simple?

Oh, uh, yes. Yes, of course.

We can- What were- What did you have in mind?

I don't know.

How 'bout a little Latin place that I always used to go?

That sounds fantastic. Okay.

I would love to see how your people eat.

"Your people"?

What is wrong with me?

Okay. It's egg-crackin' time. Now, I find the key to cracking an egg properly-

Mom, I'm not a child. I can do it.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

My mom's not dumb. You can't just ask her to do something for you.

You have to very carefully put the cheese in the trap.

Oh. Oops. I got a little shell in the bowl.

When that happens, I find that I like to... not do that. I got it. It's okay.

Oh, that's- that's really gross. Okay. I'm gonna- I'll do this.

You just mop up.

And snap.

Is it bad that I feel sorry for her?

So how do I start? What do you think?

I don't know. Mom usually tells me what to do.

Join the club. I'm kidding. I love your mom.

We are going to try a new approach this time.

Now, your goal is to create a display about the life and art of van Gogh, right?

Yeah. Okay. You got your poster board right here.

So, pretend you're telling the story of his life... to someone who has never heard of him.

What do you put on that board?

I see the wheels spinning. A spark of crea-

How do they get the lead in pencils? Let's try to stay on topic.

Hey, Jay. Look who thinks Mercury is the densest planet in the solar system.

I take it from your mocking tone that I am incorrect.

Densest planet is Earth.

Which makes you the densest guy on the densest planet.

Zing! Fine.

You sure Mitchell won't mind me tagging along?

Are you kidding? He loves ya. What are you worried about?

I've never had a brother before. We never really hung out that much.

Kiddo, you are overthinking this.

I just don't wanna say the wrong thing.

You can't. That's the beauty of having a brother.

Me and my brother were zinging each other all the time.

You know, like, "What's going on, fat boy?" "Nothing much, jackass."

You know, things of that nature.

It's- It's how brothers express love.


Shotgun, sucka! [Jay Laughing]

Yeah. That's good.

I'm gonna see the sights.

Not if they see you first!

Kind of missed with that one, kid.

All right.

This is all you need to know right here.

Apparently, the pencil's in two pieces, and they glue 'em together on the lead.

What if we put all the stuff about his life on this side... and all the stuff about his paintings on this side?

Luke, buddy, that's fantastic!

And the best part is, you came up with that by yourself.


All it took was a little bit of focus and, uh-

This thing is really loose. I'm gonna go grab a screwdriver.

But you run with this. On your mark, get set, van Gogh.

[Door Opens] Hey, Dad.

He kind of looks like Uncle Mitchell, if Uncle Mitchell were insane.

[Chuckles] [Door Closes]

[Screaming] I got sprayed by a skunk!

Oh! [Whimpering] Oh, you stink!

And not just at astronomy! Blammo!

[Groans] What is happening?

[Woman] ¿Qué pasó?

I love this place.

I was a little bit worried because it's not exactly-

I... love... this place. [Chuckles]

I... was... nervous.

I mean, there was a lot of different food on the menu, and on the floor, and on the wall.

Uh- Are we- Are we sure we're not exaggerating just a little bit?

Were you there, Mitchell?

Because I think I would have recognized the only other white or gay person.

I'd already offended Gloria once. Not gonna do it again.

Hola. ¿Cómo está? ¡Gloria!

¿Cómo estás? ¿Cómo estás? Ya tienes mucho que no vienes, ¿eh?

Mi amigo Cameron. Ah, welcome.

So, carnitas diablos. Ah, you remember.

Claro. Um, I'll just have the same thing.

No, no, no. You should have the chicken enchiladas.

Mm-hmm. No, I'll have the carnitas diablos.

These are not for you. Excuse me?

They're too spicy. Miss Gloria's used to it. Yeah, he's right.

I can spice you under the table any day there, sweet thing.

Dos carnitas diablos, por favor.


Okay. [Giggling]

[Clears Throat]

Mitchell! Of course. What was I thinking?

[Sighs] Dad, can we- can we just go home, please?

You've got to air out first before I let you in that car. I'll never get the stink out.

Hey, Jay, is that Venus?

'Cause I can smell the clouds of pure sulfuric acid from here.

Slam! Okay. I-I'd really like to go home now.

We'll miss the meteor shower. The trouble is your clothes.

Just take them off. I think there's a blanket in the trunk.

You sure, Dad? You're not worried I might stink up the blanket?

Don't worry about it.

We just use it to cover up the seat for when Manny's all sweaty after his tango class.

If you don't sweat, you're not doing it right.


He was one of the best boyfriends I ever had.

But he was gay. Yeah.

I figured that out after the first month- [Coughs]

And I stayed for a whole year because the haircuts were fantastic!

[Laughing, Crying] It's funny, huh?

[Hysterical Laughing] Cameron, that one is not that funny.

Are you okay? I'm fine.

Are you sure? I love this place.

[Coughing] But your head is running water.

No, I don't think it is.

I told you it was too spicy for you. Look at your shirt.

I just need to get a bit of a drink of something. No, no, no!

Cameron, the water makes it so worse. No! Excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh, you're right. That does make it worse.

Oh- I feel like I ate the sun!

And that is the secret to no lumps. See? It's kind of fun.

You make it fun, Mom. Mmm.

Listen to these symptoms of A.D.H.D. And tell me it's not Luke.

Alex! "Easily distracted by irrelevant stimuli."

[Electrical Buzzing]

"Often impulsively abandons one task for another."

That's where I left those.

"A tendency to act without regard to consequences, often at the expense of personal safety."


"Having accidents more often"- I think that's enough, Alex. We've got it.

Oh, no. No!



Phil. Phil! Honey, are you okay?

Yeah. Remember those sunglasses I couldn't find?

Bingo! [Chuckles]

I asked you to do one thing- stay on top of Luke.

For your information, your son is hard at work on an awesome van Gogh-

Gotta fix that- masterpiece.

Wait'll you see. You're gonna be so surprised.

Oh, God, honey. I want nothing more than to be surprised, really.


I'm not surprised.

Okay, that's it. I don't want to hear anything about your new method of doing things.

There's one thing that works with these kids, and that is staying on top of them, which, thanks to you, my friend, I will now be able to do all night long.

Not happy, dude. You're supposed to be working. I am working.

Mr. Potato Head, really? I know what you think, but-

No, I don't wanna hear it. I'm going down to clean up the garage, then I'm coming back and I'm gonna stand over you until this thing is done, okay?

Breathe. Breathing only makes the fire spread.

Okay. Then drink this milk.

Ay, Cam. Why did you have to order that spicy dish?

Because I'm, um, a big idiot... and I wanted to have this awesome night between the two of us... where we end up best friends, uh, having lunch, buying shoes.

Okay! Let's go have lunch, let's go buy shoes.

Really? Yeah. Why are you so surprised?

Well, I don't know. I guess I just always feel like I blow it with you... whether it's the Columbian comment... or picking the wrong restaurant.

The restaurant had nothing to do with you.

I was just not in the mood to go anywhere that fancy... after the stupid thing I did this morning.

What did you do?

I bought a dress. You monster.

Ay. It was a very expensive dress that I don't need.

I felt so stupid that when I got home, I couldn't even bring it inside the house.

I left it in the car. I totally get it.

I have a legendary hat story.

I'll bet you look fabulous in that dress.

Yes, but anyone would look fabulous in that dress. [Chuckling]

You find that blanket? No.

This was all I could find. Shut up!

Really shows off your shape. Okay.

Spin around, cupcake. Let's see the caboose!

You get fries with that shake? [Wheezing Laugh]

Was that too far? There's a line, Jay.

I better go mop this up.

Oh, come on. Where's the-

[Clears Throat]

I'm sorry if things got a little out of hand back there, but in our defense, look at you.

[Chuckling] I mean, smell you.

[Mock Laughing] This is a fantastic apology.

Oh, don't be too hard on the kid. I was egging him on.

You're gonna be mad, be mad at me. Done!

I was just happy to see him laugh a little bit.

You know, he's had kind of a tough week.

I got sprayed by a skunk, and I'm wearing a dress that makes my hips look huge.

I know he doesn't want me to talk about it, but he didn't get invited to this big party.

Some kids he thought were his friends think he's weird.

Now, you know me on this. I'm no- I'm no good at it.

You know, I- I never know what to say. That's true.

But maybe I raised a kid who would know what to say.

That's the only reason I invited him along- you know, because this astronomy stuff, that's- that's our thing.


Yeah. No, I'll talk to him.

You know, you don't look that ridiculous.

Now, you actually got the legs for it. Dad.

No, I'm just saying, if you were that type of a gay- Dad!

You'd probably do all right for yourself.

Come on!

You know, I always had a sense it was dangerous down here, but I guess it's actually kind of charming, isn't it?

No, it's not safe at all. [Siren Wailing In Distance]

I used to live down here, you know. What?

Yeah, that's why I come down here. Look there.

That was my old apartment.

After I left Javier, that's all I could afford.

It's still part of me. Mmm.

You have to remember those things, like you when you go to your farm.

You remember that? I told you that a year ago.

Of course I do. You're my friend, you big idiot.

[Laughing] You know, this part of town might be very rough, but the people here, Cameron- the best.

I'm pretty sure I had wheels when I parked here.

¡Ayayay! Who did this?

No, it's okay, Gloria. [Shouting] Who did this?

You coward son of bitches! It's okay, everybody! I'm- I'm insured!

What? What? You scared? You scared to show your face, little girl?

No, it's all right, everybody! Cameron, wait in the car!

Gloria, I think it's drivable. Cameron!


Just so you know, I'm going back up to Luke's room, and I'm not leaving until he's finished.

Thank you. And I'm really sorry for not underestimating Luke enough.

Well, that means a lot to me.

The hardest part is, he kinda takes after me with all this.

Hmm. Like my lack of focus and your-

My what? I just love you.

I did it. [Phil] Hey.

Oh, my God.

Do you like it? I-I- I love it.

Did you do this? All him.

I used Mr. Potato Head ears because van Gogh cut his ear off.

And there's money because his paintings sell for, like, a bajillion dollars, which is sad because he died broke.

Yes. That-

[Whispers] You were right. Don't apologize.

I'm not apologizing. Apology accepted.

Luke, I-I really couldn't be more proud of you, and I am so sorry I didn't give you more credit.

Thanks. [Phil] Way to go, buddy.

[Clicks Tongue] Gotta go finish the cupcakes.

[Chuckling] No. She didn't.

Sweetie, can you hand me those? Uh-huh.

Yeah, I can talk.

What are you doing?

I showed you how to make 'em, and now you can do it yourself.

Come on, guys. Let's go.

Well, good, because I really wanted to.

Okay. I'm setting the oven to 700!

I'm putting, uh- I'm putting the eggs in the bowl!

Oh, I got some shells in 'em! Uh-oh!

Are you serious? [Exhales]

Hey. Hey. Hey, Mitchell.

So, I know you'd never, um-

I know you'd never, never believe this by looking at me right now, but, um, I used to get picked on at school too.

So Jay told you? Yeah.

Yeah, they would, um- they'd call me weird.

I was weird. Uh, fun weird.

But I- This is the funny thing about growing up.

For years and years, everybody's desperately afraid... to be different, you know, in any way.

And then, suddenly, almost overnight, everybody wants to be different, and that is where we win.

I'm sort of counting on that. Yeah.

I'm sorry I was picking on you too much. Ah, that's-

Jay said that's what brothers do. [Chuckles]

Well, we don't have to listen to him. Brothers do that too.

Okay, ladies. Finish up your tea party.

You're missing the show.

Can't believe I was fighting over this guy, huh?

Check it out. Check it out. Oh. Whoa.

Wow. Awesome!

[Luke] Why did he paint The Starry Night?

Maybe because the sky is beautiful, and everybody likes looking at it,

and it reminds us that something's up there watching over all of us- aliens, who could be here in a second... to liquefy us and use us as fuel.

So wake up, people. We're next.


You better get down here!

Mmm! Oh, my God.

Wow! Delicious! Uh-huh.

I am so proud. Oh! Thanks, Mom. I'm just gonna wrap these up.

No. You know what, sweetie? You're gonna be late for school. Just go.

I'll bring 'em by later. Are you sure?

Yeah! Get out of here, Betty Crocker. Okay.

I'm so proud of you!

[Gagging, Spits]

Do we still have the number for Poison Control?

I love you, Claire. I'll always love you!

My mouth is asleep, like at the dentist.

Get over here, buddy.

[Grunts] [Whimpers]

[Luke Grunts]