Modern Family S1E23 Script

Hawaii (2010)

Aloha, Lily. Aloha. Oh, wait. Let's do it one more time.

The doggy was blocking her face. Yeah, go back.

No. No! No. We're not doing it a third time.

There she is- the prettiest white woman on Maui. Milady.

Actually, Claire and I were supposed to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon.

Mm-hmm. But something else came up.

I got pregnant with Haley. My bad!

We didn't even have a proper wedding.

We just went down to the courthouse on a Tuesday.

The judge sentenced me to life with no chance of parole.

You begged me to marry you. It's true. I did.

Oh! Hold on, my bride. Allow me! [Grunts]

What are you doing?

Being romantic. God, you're solid.

Sweetie, put me down. Go on. Okay.

Honey, come on. Let's turn this vacation into a honeymoon.

Sweet pea, I'm a mom traveling with my kids.

For me, this is not a vacation. It's a business trip. Let's go.

Ah! Wow!

This'll do. It's beautiful.

Aloha! Hi!

Welcome to the Four Seasons Maui.

What do you think, Manny?

I'm home.

[Man] ♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey Hey ♪♪


I can't believe we have our own hotel room.

Score! There's an iron in here!

Don't you want to keep our room neat? You know, in case we entertain.

Who would we entertain?

I noticed some lovely tweens down by the kids' club.

Maybe we can find a nice spot near them by the pool... and send over a couple of virgin mai tais.

They may be interested in two sophisticated men like us.

I am a bathroom martian!

Beep, boop, boop.

I am from the nebula of the Great Toilet.

Beep, boop. Beep, boop, bop.

I want the biggest cheeseburger you got.

Instead of salad, I want fries.

Instead of fruit, I want chili fries.

Haley, sweetie, put the phone down and put on some sunscreen. Please?

We have got to stay on these kids all day, or else they're gonna burn.

Totally. They put on the littlest bit of sunscreen in the morning, they think it's got them covered for the-

Are you watching Gloria in my sunglasses?

Is she moving in slow motion, or is my brain doing that?

Phil, this is important. Go ahead. I'm glistening.

Hey, everybody. We're on our way to see the world's largest banyan tree.

Does anybody want to come?

Now, why in the hell would anyone want to leave paradise, take a hot bus ride to see a tree?

The great thing about Cameron is that, uh, he's adventurous, like I am.

We-We both like to immerse ourselves in the culture and really get to know the locals.

We've made friends all over the world.

We're still in touch with Elunga, a man we met on safari in Tanzania.

[Mitchell] We actually send him... all of our old clothes.

He was a very nice man when we met him, but based on his recent letters, I have a small fear he's become a warlord.

Hey. I'm gonna go to the gym to work out a little bit. You want to come with me?

I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up.

[Cell Phone Rings] Ah, look at this.

My brother. [Beeps]

What's up, jackass? Happy birthday, you dumb son of a bitch.

Birthday's tomorrow, moron!

I never understood this relationship.

So, 63, right? Hey, you can count!

You know Dad was 63 when he died. Huh?

Hello? Thanks for reminding me.

Ah, don't worry. He never took care of himself.

Ate like crap and drank too much. Anyway, Irene's begging me for-

[Beeps] Hey, Gloria, wait up. I'm coming.

Hey. Hi. Hi.

So, I was thinking we book a couples' massage.

Mm-hmm. I accidentally looked in on one.

They seemed really relaxed until they noticed me.

Haley, that's enough. Get off the phone. Luke, pull up your trunks!

This bathing suit looks great on you.

Thanks, sweetie. Haley, come on. Off the phone.

No way. Keira got her hair straightened? [Laughs]

Claire, consider this a grand gesture of my love.

[Laughing] What are you-

Oh, my God! Oh!

What did you do? [Gasping] Phil, what are you thinking?

That is an expensive cell phone.

It's just the beginning. Buckle your seat belt, lady. You're being wooed.

In nature, fathers are known to eat their young.

Is it because they're delicious? No.

It's because they want to give their female- bear, giraffe, what have you- the honeymoon they never had.

Just to be clear, I'm not condoning eating your kids, but I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.


[Door Opens]

Come on, sleepy! Ay, Jay!

Come on, honey! Get out of bed! I just booked us on an outrigger.

But it is your birthday. You don't want to sleep in? Come here.

No, no, I just came from the gym. Guess how much I benched.

I don't know. 500 pounds? 500 pounds?

What am I, a forklift? [Groans]

To tell you the truth, that call from my brother scared the hell out of me.

I decided to get in better shape quick.

Didn't want to end up like my old man.

Although he did die doing what he loved- refusing service to hippies who came into his store.

Manny is the worst roommate ever. [Groans]

Everything he finds, he folds.

Sweetie, it's only for a few more days.

Last night we had a fire drill. Mm-hmm.

Not the hotel. Just us.

Hi, guys. Hey.


So, what's today's big adventure?

I'll bet the kids want to go with you.

Well, it is a big one- the lavender ranch, where they grow 45 different varieties of lavender. Forty-five.

Hear that, kids? Forty-five different varieties.

Yeah, I can't sell that. Go with God.

Oh. Well, more lavender for us.

[Cameron] When Mitchell and I first met, I may have exaggerated my interest in adventurous travel... by implying that I had any.

But it's one of the things he loves most about me, and I can't tell him the truth now.

It would be like Lewis telling Clark that he didn't like to walk.

Side note: We're very good friends with a couple named Lewis and Clark.

Clark bought a big, sparkly belt in New Orleans that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.

Mom, Haley keeps stealing my iPod.

All my music is on my phone. What else am I supposed to do?

Manny watches the news. You guys don't even watch the news.

Aloha. Hi. Sorry, folks. This pool is for adults only.

[Haley Groans] Don't turn around.

What? Trust me. Just keep walking.

Wait! Where are you guys going?


What just happened?

Ooh, so we can drink lavender tea while eating lavender scones.

Oh, neat! So, is this an all-day thing or-

Oh, no. I know what you're thinking, Cam.

Don't worry. We'll still have time for the whaling village.

Oh. Good. So-


I can't. What?

I don't want to go. I know I said I'm not a stay-by-the-pool type of guy, but I really am, Mitchell. What are you saying?

I'm saying that I like adventure, but not every minute of every day.

Can you just go by yourself? But... the lavender ranch-

It's- It's something two men are meant to do together.

On or off, folks? Well, I'm on.

I'm off.

[Door Closes]

Think about what you're missing, Cam.

It's an entire ranch full of lavender.

You're not making the compelling case you think you are!

Hey, you little monkey!

[Screams] No standing around! There you go!

Here goes another one! There you go!

Here comes another one! There you go!

[Alex Screaming]

I thought you were one of ours!

Hey, Jay! Be careful!

You're gonna hurt somebody- like you!

Don't get too comfortable. I reserved us a tennis court. Yay.

I thought that one of the advantages of marrying an older guy... was that I was going to be able to relax.

But all this swimming and running and rowing-

It's just like how some of my relatives got into this country.

[Phil] You know- [Claire] Mmm.

You look prettier now than the day we got married. Oh, honey.

And you are even more handsome. [Chuckles]

I did push-ups in the bathroom. [Laughs] You're funny.

You're nice. I have always been nice.

I've always been funny.

Well- [Laughs]

[Haley] Mom! Dad!

Ignore her. That could be anyone. Mmm.

Phil and Claire Dunphy?

Yes, Haley, honey? What is it?

I'm gonna go get some shaved ice at the hotel next door with some kids.

What kids? Just some kids I met at the pool.

Okay. Um- I should go with her and- Claire, no.

You have to learn to let go.

Turning a family vacation into a honeymoon takes commitment.

You can do it. Eye of the tiger.


I should at least meet them. I- No.

That is not eye of the tiger.

[Mouths Words, Inhales]

All right, Haley, honey, go and have fun, but don't get in anybody's car... and be back in time for your grandfather's birthday dinner, okay?

Thank you! Okay!

Bye, honey! All right!

Oh, God.

That feels weird and good all at once.

I know. I was leaning up against that nozzle a minute ago.

Hey. Hey, you're back. How was it?

Ah! Cameron, it was the most incredible thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

You know who else was there? Really? Who?

Elton John. No-

Yes, and he was so blown away by the beauty of it, he sat down... at their lavender piano and played "Tiny Dancer."

And we bonded, because he too likes adventure. Did that really happen?

No, that didn't really happen. I'm just... trying to get back at you for bailing on me.

I'm sorry. If it means anything, we've been relaxing here doing nothing.

Maybe you can join us tomorrow. No, I can't- I just don't-

I don't find relaxing that relaxing.

I understand. You are who you are.

Leilani. Yes.

You know what? I think it's because of my parents.

It always is. Kipu!

I mean, vacation with my mom and dad was them sitting around like statues... when, you know, the only thing that me and Claire could do for excitement was-

Oh. Was sit around and listen to my skin sizzle.

You poor thing. Sue? Yes.

So, that's, like- That's why, when I'm on vacation, I want to go out and meet the locals.

I want to immerse myself in the culture, you know?

I don't want to sloth around- Ah!

Sweet Lady Gaga, that is good. [Chuckles]


Oh, thank you.

Mmm. What's this called?



[Beeping, Musical Tones]

I'm curious. Is there any sand left on the beach, or did you bring it all up to our bathroom?

[Groans] Sorry, Mom.

And now you're sitting on my linen jacket.

I guess I can't have nice things.

Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know it was there. It's okay.

Oh! No! Stop!

I'm wearing that tonight! I'm wrinkling your linen! I'm wrinkling your linen!

Ooh! You know what? Out!

I want you out! This isn't working!

I don't care where you go, as long as you don't stay here! What are you saying?

What don't you understand about "out"?

Fine. I'll just move in with my sisters.

Ooh, hoo!

Oh, no! Who will pee all over the bathroom floor?

I was brushing my teeth at the same time.

You try to do that. [Door Opens, Closes]

What'd you do today?

[Yawning] I napped. You did?

I haven't napped in years. Yeah. It feels good, doesn't it?

Mm-hmm. Good and weird. Kinda like that one nozzle in the infinity pool.

I wouldn't know. Phil was hogging it. [Both Laugh]

Is it me, or is Lily more relaxed here? Oh, yes.

She is. I think it's because she's really picking up on our energy, you know?

It's like, if we're tense, she's gonna be tense.

And I think we need to bring this new energy home.

It's gonna make us better parents-

[Shrieking] You blocked the- What? What happened?

You didn't bring her out! I thought you had her!


Come on. Let me paint you.

Oh, sweetie. That is so creepy.

Where is everyone?

Okay. Let me just say what everyone's thinking.

My jacket's a mess. It wouldn't be, but someone used the iron to make grilled cheese.

I had bread, I had cheese and I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?

Kids, kids. We don't care.

¡Hola, hola! Hi.

Hey. So sorry I'm late. Where is Jay?

He's not with you? No, he came down long time ago.

Oh, don't worry. I'll go have a look around.

Yeah, he's probably in the ocean trying to pull a tugboat with his teeth.

Well, look who decided to join us.

And where is your sister? She is in our bathroom throwing up.

Well, what happened? You're not going to like this as much as I do, but she's drunk.

[Gasps] [Luke Laughing]

I-I knew I never should have let her-

[Luke] That's awesome.

Guarantee our bathroom is still messier.

Oh, my God! Lily! [Panting] Where is the elevator?

Where- I don't know! I'm taking the stairs!

Lily, we're coming for you! [Shrieking]

Hey, you. Where you headed?

Well, remember earlier in the pool when you convinced me... to let Haley go next door with complete strangers?

And you were totally on board. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, she got drunk, and now she's upstairs throwing up.

But she's just a kid. Who would serve her? We did, honey.

On a silver platter. You convinced me to relax and let go, and now this happens.

I'm sorry, but we shouldn't feel bad... [Elevator Bell Dings]

About wanting a little time for ourselves.

Sweetie, this isn't a honeymoon. We have kids. You have got to let this go.

From now on, I am not losing sight of them for two seconds.

Nothing gets past me.

Hey. Did you find Jay? I'm getting worried.

I'm sorry. I have to deal with Haley.

No. You know what, sweetie? I will deal with Haley. [Elevator Bell Dings]

You go see if you can find Dad. I'll look for him out there.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Lily, where you going, huh?

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God. Wow. What were you thinking?

One of the kids had an I.D., and she bought some drinks. Mm-hmm.

I tried one, and then another one. It was stupid.

Yes. Yes, it was stupid, but you are really lucky that this did not end as badly as it could have.

This is why we always say to you... when you drink, you make bad decisions.

I know, I know. I just-

[Sighs] One minute you're having wine coolers at homecoming, and the next... the game of Truth or Claire sweeps your high school.

Thanks for not yelling at me.

Oh, honey. That would just be cruel.

I'II wait till you feel better to yell.

[Exhales] I don't think I'll ever feel better.

Does this happen every time you drink?


Yes, it does.


Over here.

Hey. Hey! What are you doing?

I'm stuck. I laid down, my back went out.

Oh. Well, don't you worry. We're gonna get you out of here.

Grab on. Yeah, you know, Phil, this might not be the best-

No, no, no, no, no. I'm just gonna rock you- like a hurricane.

I'm kidding. You're too old to get that. Here we go.

Wait. Why don't you just get someone who works here? No, this is gonna work.

And now- Oh, wow! [Grunts]

There's spasming. Don't move. Don't move. No. I don't wanna get-



[Exhales] By the way, I just want to thank you for this trip.

It's really been a vacation of a lifetime.

[Woman] Oh. Nothing weird!


I keep my wallet in my front pocket, so that's- that's what that is.

[Jay Groans]

Neck... going. I'm sorry.

Anyone! Anyone, help! Alert security!

[Panting] Seal off the island!

[Shrieks] This- This way! This way!


Lily! [Shrieks, Sighs]

Aha. You looking for someone?

Lily. We were so worried. We just got distracted.

Oh, we're idiots. ¡Ay! Don't beat yourself up.

I used to lose Manny all the time.

Now I lost your father. These things happen.

She's right, you know.

Did she say my father's missing?


We say we'll make time, but life gets in the way.

I mean, I know we're parents, but can't we be lovers too?

This may be my worst birthday ever.

There you are!

[Jay] Oh, hi, honey. Hey, hey.

He was stuck in a hammock. It was actually really funny.

I was on top of him for, like, 20 minutes. You need to go now.

Good night. Honey.

My back seized up.

Yeah, because you overdid it after that phone call about your father.

I can't believe I'm as old as he was.

Wait. Sit down here. [Groaning]

You'd have liked him- my old man. I'm sure.

And he'd have loved you.

My God, that guy- He was a charmer.

Mmm, I know the type.

And we had a lot of fun.

But I'll tell you something.

Our family vacations were nothing like this here.

One week a year in a rented cottage on Lake Erie, spiders this big.


I just wish he could have seen how things turned out.

Well, if you keep going like this, maybe you can tell him yourself.

Or I can tell him, because you're about to kill me, Jay.

My legs, my arms, my back- everything is sore.

So I wore you out, huh? Oh, no, no, no. Don't get cocky, old man.

When I sit down, I can still get up. Eh.

Hey, uh- Okay, come on.

[Chuckling] Come here. Come here.

The rest of the trip went better. Haley's room stopped spinning.

[Phil] Yes, it is. And a monkey-

[Silverware Clinking] There she is!

Oh, honey! Hey!

Do you want some eggs Benedict? So creamy! No.

No? Ah. [Phil, Alex Laughing]

[Phil] Jay got back to the vacation he always wanted.

And Mitch and Cam managed to do some sightseeing... at a working banana plantation-

[Cameron] Lily! Where they promptly lost Lily again.

Why did you dress her in jungle prints?

Because I thought it would be cute!

She's gonna think she's back in Vietnam! Lily! Lily, honey!

Me and Claire, we- we had a great time.

But we never did get that honeymoon.

I think I just expected a little too much from this vacation.

You were so sweet to try. It was dumb.

[Chuckles] Like you said, the thrill is gone.

I never said that. No, it's over.

But wait. Put a few seconds back on the clock.

♪♪ [Ukulele] The kid still has a few moves.

Oh, my God.

I figured out why we couldn't have a honeymoon.

Because we never had a wedding.

Oh, my God.

I still can't tell if you think this is lame or cool.

Honey, it's incredibly cool.

Looks like I finally get to walk you down the aisle. Daddy!

[Gloria Laughs] [Laughs] Ow! You better walk me.

Okay. I'll do that.

We're here today to celebrate the renewing of the marriage vows... of Phil and Claire.

On this day they've chosen to reaffirm their love for each other.

You may kiss your bride. [Both] Oh!

I present to you, still as husband and wife, Mr. And Mrs. Dunphy. [Cheering]

[Man] ♪ It's the eye of the tiger ♪

♪ It's the thrill of the fight ♪

♪ Rising up to the challenge of our rivals ♪

♪ And the last known survivor ♪

♪ Stalks his prey in the night ♪

♪ And he's watching us all in the eye ♪

♪ Of the tiger ♪♪

[Man Over P.A.] Welcome to the nonstop flight from Maui to Los Angeles.

Thank for you choosing Continental Airlines.

Thank you.

You know, honey, if anything were ever to happen to me, I would want you to get remarried.

Okay. Mmm.

That was a little fast. Oh, no. I just want to make you happy.


Any idea of who you would remarry?

Vicky Conroy probably. She works in my office.

She's very organized. The kids love her.

Are you guys talking about Vicky? Yeah.

Mom, she's awesome. [Giggles]

Just so you know, if something were to happen to me, I-

Something's gonna happen to you, all right.