Modern Family S1E7 Script

En Garde (2009)

[Whistle Blows] [Buzzer Sounds]

[Cheering] Bravo! Bravo!

[Whistle Blows]

[Buzzer Sounds] Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo, Manny! Bravo!

Well, when I heard Manny wanted to fence, I was, like, "Sure. Uncoordinated kid, lethal weapon. How can this go wrong?"

[Whistle Blows] [Buzzer Sounds]

[Gloria] What do you think now?

I'm proud of our little Zorro. I worked with him a little, but the kid's got skills.

It's in his blood. His father was a master swordsman.

He was an artist with his sword.

I mean, the way he throws the sword.

I mean, he was legendary.

You know this nice moment I'm having with your son?

You're kind of wrecking it. Sorry.

[Whistle Blows] [Buzzer Sounds]

Did you know that fencing goes back to the 12th century?

You know what's even nerdier than fencing? Knowing when it began.

I don't think you're a nerd, Alex. Shut up, dork.

All right. That's my boy!

Would this be easier... if we suspended you from a crane?

[Cameron] Αny monkey can shoot a home movie.

I pride myself on shooting home films.

But, Cameron, you always just take things a little too far. No, I don't.

Okay, your nephew's first birthday. That's not fair.

You brought a wind machine. To be fair, my vision was-

Cameron, you brought a wind machine.

Who puts wheels on cribs?

[Whistle Blows] [Buzzer Sounds]

[Shouting In Spanish]

¡Ay! Sorry. Sorry. [Laughs]

That's okay.

No. No, no, no, no! My phone died.

No biggie. Your battery probably just statically defracticated.

What?

It means you can recharge it with static electricity.

Just rub it on your hair.

[Buzzer Sounds] [Jay] Yes!

You know, I used to go to the houses of my friends, I'd see their kids' trophies, and it used to bug me, you know, because there was never a trophy in my house.

Not until this one. [Laughs]

[Phil] Oh, that's a good grip. [Buzzer Sounds]

[Chuckles] Can we switch seats?

Cam, people are staring. [Whistle Blows]

I know you're not supposed to care, but it's kind of cool to have a kid in your house who's the best at something.

You know what I mean? [Buzzer Sounds]

[Applause]

Yeah, our kids are great. They're the greatest.

Gosh, we're blessed. We are. But, um, are they the best at something?

I'd have to think about that.

Well, Alex is great at every single thing she tries, so, you know, she'll find her specialty. She will.

And Haley is-

Haley is so pretty.

Gorgeous, gorgeous girl. Oh, gosh.

So she can meet someone who's the best at something. That's right.

And then, uh, I guess that leaves Luke.

We dropped the ball a little bit on that one. Yeah, a little bit.

[Man] ♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey Hey ♪♪

[Whistle Blows] [Buzzer Sounds]

Bravo!

How about a nice round of applause for our winner, Manny Delgado.

Manny now moves on to the championship, where he'll be competing against Caroline Markum.

We'll see you all back here at 4:30.

All right. [Gloria] Bravo. [Speaking Spanish]

What she said.

[Laughs] Wow. This means more to Dad than it does to Manny.

Yeah, it's his chance to be father of a champion. Well, second chance.

We all know how the first time went. Did I say something wrong?

No, no. I'm- I'm very happy for Manny.

Everything's always about Claire. Geez.

I wanna thank you guys for coming by and supporting the kid.

You guys are the best! [Chuckles] Why, Claire?

[Mitchell] Really?

That took a while. She's been asleep for 20 minutes.

It just took me some time to sneak out without waking her up.

Kind of like the first time you slept over here.

I had a meeting.

All right. Let's talk about why you got your panties in a bunch.

What's up with you and your sister?

Nothing is up. Mm-hmm.

Or could this have something to do with... ice skating?

When Mitchell and Claire were kids- This is interesting to no one.

Excuse, please. Let me finish. Thank you.

When Mitchell was 10- Eleven.

And Claire was 13, they were competitive ice dancers- Figure skaters!

Oh, for God's sakes, I'll tell the story. Yes, my sister and I were actually a very good team.

We were called "Fire and Nice."

I was Fire, because of the red hair, and Claire was Nice, because it was ironic and she wasn't.

And Mitchell is still upset because Claire quit the team right before some meet.

"Some meet." The 13-and-under regional championships.

Just the Emerald City at the end of my yellow brick road.

Wow. You did it. What?

You made figure skating sound even gayer.

So, seeing your dad so proud of Manny... didn't stir up any resentment?

Mm-mmm. Oh.

Okay, fine. You always do this. Instead of letting your feelings out, you bury them, and then they bubble up later in hurtful ways. Okay, you know what? Yes.

All right, listen. I might still be holding a little resentment, but that's... embarrassing and petty and it's not a good color on me.

It's kind of like you and yellow.

You love me in my yellow shirt.

It makes you look like the sun.

Bubbling. Hurtful bubbling.

Now you know why I left early that morning. Ha!

I knew you didn't have a meeting, Cam. I knew it.

[Dog Barks In Distance]

There must be something wrong with this phone.

I've rubbed it on my head for, like, an hour.

What? Alex.

[Chuckles] Oh, you're such a geek.

At least I didn't give myself a bald spot.

Oh, my God! Mom!

Alex, don't be mean. Haley, stop making yourself such an easy target.

This feels right, buddy. I'm telling you, this feels right.

What are you guys doing? Pursuing excellence.

We make a list of areas the boy might excel at and... baseball. Love it.

Yeah. I read it only takes 10,000 hours to achieve excellence.

You've already got, what, how many hours playing ball?

Well, I played, like, one season, so, like, 6,000 hours?

Yeah. I can see why you ruled out math.

[Claire] Yeah, of course I want Luke to be successful.

But I don't think that a parent can just force that.

I think you just have to have faith that the kid's gonna find his own way.

Besides, Luke already is the best at something- being my son.

[Chuckles]

It sounded a lot less lame in my head.

I have got a good feeling about this.

This is gonna be your sport.

Last year, you said basketball was my sport.

Look, I've said a lot of things I wish I could take back but I can't.

What I can do... is be the dad you need me to be to help you become masterful.

You wanna be masterful? I guess.

There's my killer! Okay.

Our journey of 10,000 hours... begins with a single pitch.

I believe in my boy.

I ain't gonna quit you.

Let's burn one in here.

That's good. That's a good start.

Okay, you rest that cannon while I run this down, okay?

Okay, let's keep all the batters right here.

Oh, should've- should've worn my cup. Should've worn my cup.

Home run!

This one's really in here, buddy.

[Exhaling]

Okay. Very, very, very, very good first hour.

Toss me your glove. I'll put some oil on it.

Yeah.

¡Ay, abuela, es que lo que yo te diga es poco!

Esto hubiera sido la locura en Barranquilla.

No, es que tú no sabes. ¡Mejor que su padre!

Bueno, hasta luego, porque aquí ya llegó Jay. Adiós. [Phone Beeps]

Everything okay? Yes.

I was telling my grandmother how great was Manny today.

So that wasn't angry talk? No, silly. That was happy talk.

I'm beginning to understand why there's so much conflict on your continent.

Here. Check this out.

Ah, Jay. [Chuckles]

Jay loves to make T-shirts for special occasions.

Come on, baby. Show them.

A few years back, my granddaughter Haley ran a 5K, so I had a few of these made up.

It's just fun. [Chuckles]

I love it when you're so proud of Manny. You know, I'm not gonna lie.

Seeing him out there slicing those kids to pieces, you know, it gets to ya.

Gracias, mi amor. I'm sorry to interrupt.

It's okay, papi. Hey, champ! I got a little something for you.

And I have something for you. Here.

I will not be needing it anymore.

But the finals? I am retired.

[Birds Chirping] [Jay] Wait, wait, wait.

You can't retire.

It's just not fun anymore. Well, that's probably just butterflies.

Come on. You're gonna be fine.

Look, if he doesn't want to, it's his decision.

Ah, the hell it is.

He shouldn't be doing anything that makes him nervous. Papi, I support you.

I'm not nervous. I just don't want to fight a girl.

What?

Defeating a woman will be a mark on my honor. [Gloria] Why?

Because men are always so superior to woman?

Uh- Uh, uh.

So superior that you cannot even finish your sentence?

Dude.

Manny, you always call yourself the lover of women, but if you don't compete with this girl, you're showing me and all the woman that you don't respect us.

I'm sorry.

Okay, so, take back your sword... and go fight this girl like a bull. Okay.

Can't hear you! Okay!

I can't hear you! That's really as loud as I can go.

What does it take to make a great salesman? It's no big secret.

You just follow the ABC's of salesmanship- Always Be Closing.

Don't Ever Forget Great Home Ideas Just Keep Lurking, Mostly Nearby.

Often People Question Realtors' Sincerity.

Take Umbrage. Violators Will-

Oh, shoot. X- X-

And this is the great room, although "great" hardly seems to do a room like this justice.

Weird, squiggly painting not included.

I actually love it. I do too. It's really beautiful.

Um, all custom built-ins, and you will notice just- just tons of natural light, so that's great.

Did I need the sale? Yes. Was I worried? No.

Why? Because. Because why?

Because I won't sell anything I don't believe in.

And when I believe, you believe.

I could sell a fur coat to an Eskimo.

Yeah, Phil, I'm sorry. It's a beautiful house.

But I'm just not sure how kid-friendly it is, and we have two small children.

I mean, these stairs alone- Dad, this place is awesome.

Not now, Luke. Did you see the backyard? It's got room for 10 tree houses.

And the bedroom's got a window on the ceiling. I wish we could live here.

I wish you'd go back out to the patio where- Do you really?

Oh, yeah. Our house sucks compared to this one.

Hmm. It really does.

[Phil Chuckles] There you are.

I'm gonna get changed and then we'll go back to Manny's match, okay?

Dad doesn't want me to go. What? Why?

Remember when you were all worried that our son's a dud?

Okay. That's not exactly the way I remember it.

Turns out he's a natural.

At what? At selling.

Hey, titans of residential real estate.

That's right, I'm talking to you, Sandy Brewster, Skip Woosnum, J.J. McCubbin.

Hear those footsteps? That's Luke Dunphy, and he's gonna drink your milk shake.

That's amazing.

Right? Incredible.

So, the buyer's coming back in an hour with her husband, and I need him.

I am telling you, that kid is a genius.

There's the rainmaker.

Why is your iPod in your mouth? I'm charging it.

Alex. Alex!

So, there's no part of you that wants to clear the air with your sister?

Nope. Okay, fine. That's your family's way. I'll respect that.

But you should know, it's hard on the people who love you.

Cam- We feel the tension. We hear the words that cut like knives.

Hey, guys! I brought orange slices.

Okay, you know what? I can't bear this.

Claire, Mitchell still resents you for quitting the figure skating team when you were kids.

Ladies, come inside with me, please. Work it out. Come on.

Thanks, Cam. Is he serious?

Is that what your little jab was about this morning? Okay. No. Yes. Okay, yes. Yes.

I guess I'm still a little angry. But, you know, you stole my moment, Claire.

Yeah, 21 years ago. Okay, but it doesn't matter to you... because you had your own moments.

You had cheerleading and high school plays and making out with the quarterback.

You made out with him too. Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

You shouldn't have quit. It was selfish. You wanna know why I quit?

I quit to protect you. From what?

Glory? Fame? Press conferences? What? Come on. I was bigger than you.

I was bigger than you, and I was afraid you wouldn't be able to lift me.

You were dropping me in practice- I dropped you twice.

And I didn't want you to humiliate yourself in front of all those people.

Three times. You dropped me all the time. [Sighs]

Come on. Could you just forgive me and move on? [Exhales]

Of course. Yes, yes. Yes, of- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh. This must seem so petty, huh?

Well, it's a little silly, but we all have our thing, don't we?

I'm just glad you're getting it out of you.

Are you trying to lift me? You are. You're trying to lift me. Oh!

Stay focused, stay loose and stay angry.

Who's the toughest? I am.

Who's the bravest? I am.

Who's the baddest?

Can you guys ask all the questions now so I don't have to keep lifting this?

Go. Go get 'em!

There we go. You all set? Yeah.

Okay, go get 'em. Good luck.

Excuse me. Is this seat taken? No. Sit.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, is Manny yours? Yes.

Oh, he's quite good. I saw him earlier.

Thank you. Yeah.

Is she your little girl? Oh, Caroline? No. No.

Sadly, her parents passed away.

I'm her nurse down at the children's hospital.

But all of my patients are like family to me.

[Laughing] [Man] Well, our boys are enjoying themselves.

Yeah. I can talk about crown moldings and recessed lighting until the cows come home, but nothing compares with that sound right there. [Footsteps Approaching]

[Thud] Ow! Ow!

Oh. Hey, buddy. Oh, he's fine. Ow.

My foot. I think it's backwards.

It's not backwards. [Man] Wh-What happened?

[Luke] It's the stupid floors! They're too slippery.

Oak. Also known as nature's pillow.

It's like ice. Now, let's not start blaming the floors.

You shouldn't have been running. I saw a ghost.

Ghosts. Hey, Phil Dunphy. Okay, that's me.

That's acting like a natural shoehorn.

Okay. Probably better all take our shoes off for this part of the tour. Follow me.

She's our little miracle.

Oh. I only wish her father had made it back from Afghanistan to see this.

[Clattering] Oh, there's our cheering section.

Over here, you guys. Hi.

Oh, my God. We have to stop him.

[Mouthing Words]

Maybe I can pull the fire alarm.

[Whistle Blows] Expect no mercy.

Bring it on, big boy.

[Whistle Blows] I'm-I'm glad Dad's proud of Manny. I am.

I just- It would have been nice to see him that proud of us.

By us, I mean me. [Scoffs]

And you sincerely thought that the path to Dad's approval... was going to be through figure skating?

Mitchell, I am fairly confident that Dad's proudest moment... was when you finally took off the flame-red unitard.

I am not claiming that any of this is rational.

I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a pill, okay?

Um, actually, I always felt very guilty for quitting.

I know how much you loved figure skating.

I never really loved skating.

Uh, what?

Um, all right, this is gonna sound a little gay.

But, um, when-when you and I skated together, you weren't the mean older sister and I wasn't the clingy little brother.

We were- We were a team, and-

Well, let's face it, we've kind of grown apart in the past few years.

And with Mom and Dad's divorce, we were on opposing sides.

And I- I just- I miss being on your team.

That's...

a little gay. There we go.

Claire, where are you going?

Claire?

No way.

Get up.

Really? Mm-hmm.

[Exhales]

Don't drop me.

[Whistle Blows] [Buzzer Sounds]

[Whistle Blows]

[Buzzer Sounds] [All Groan]

[Whistle Blows]

[Buzzer Sounds] Put it away or lose it.

[Whistle Blows]

[Buzzer Sounds] [Spectators Groan]

Somebody's got to put a stop to this.

That's it, Mitchell.

[Whistle Blows]

[Buzzer Sounds] [People Groan]

So, can we take you and Caroline out for ice cream?

We can't. She's diabetic.

Of course she is.

[Man] A round of applause for our winner, Manny Delgado. [Scattered Applause]

Let's get out of here. Get this thing in the trunk.

I can't decide if I'm feeling more proud or mortified.

How about now?

[Jay] We tell our kids it doesn't matter if you win or lose, but let's be honest.

Winning feels pretty great.

There's nothing like that golden moment in the sun.

I think every parent probably wants that for their child. [Laughs]

And maybe a little bit for ourselves too.

[Laughing] Sometimes we push too hard.

And that leads to a lot of resentment and guilt. Yes! Yes!

So, how much is too much? Here's where I come out.

Guilt fades.

Hardware is forever.

You're mad, aren't you? I'm not mad.

Yes, you are. No, I'm not.

You're a little jealous. I'm happy for the two of you.

All right, come on. We'll do one. Stay there.

For real? Yep.

Feel better? Yeah. Oh, do me now. Come on.

What are you talking about?

Are you serious?

Cam, no. [Thud]