Modern Family S10E1 Script

I Love a Parade (2018)

(DOG PANTING)

Oh, no. Has it been a year already?

(SINGING) You're a grand old flag You're a high flying-flag And forever in peace, may you wave!

We love the Fourth of July! It's the perfect holiday.

You get to cook outside, blow stuff up, wear shorts.

Easter should be taking notes.

(BOTH SINGING) Keep your eyes on the ground, old flag!

That was longer than I remember.

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

Hello?

Joe, you should be thankful that you live in this country.

I spent half of my childhood in a Banana Republic.

It was the only store in my village that had air conditioner.

Yes, Mr. President!

Yes, sir, I'd be honored to, sir! Thank you.

Amazing news.

The grand marshal for today's parade just got me-too'd, and they need me to fill in.

(GASPS) Jay, I'm so happy for you!

So, now, the only thing left in your bucket list is to bare-knuckle fight a Russian!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh! And Manny's gonna be back home from his big road trip, just in time for the parade.

He's been gone so long. I can't wait to see him.

That's great! We'll have the whole family back together, with me to ride in the convertible LeBaron.

Joe, how's your parade wave?

We'll work on it.

(SINGING) Every heart beats true

(BOTH SINGING) Under red, white and blue!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(UTENSILS CLATTERING)

More!

Yeah, I've got time to help you.

Oh, look at your cousin being so sweet and helping out a friend.

Ugh! Such a weak little coward. Are we done yet?

No, it's a really big bridge.

- Or maybe you're just a really tiny man. (CAR HORN HONKING)

Things were going great on my cross-country drive until I fell behind schedule after I developed a perfectly rational, fact-based fear of driving over bridges.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

I called Cam for support since he taught driver's ed, but he wasn't around.

What?

Turns out, a strong verbal lashing was exactly what I needed to get me across that bridge and the many others that cover this country like a cancer.

Okay, Cal, let's say hi to Mommy.

Say, "Hi, Mommy." Whoa, whoa!

If I'm in that shot, back up and turn the lights down.

We had Chinese food last night. I look like a blowfish.

You know what, Mitchell? It's not about you.

I promised we would send a video of Cal to my sister for her birthday.

And that was a week ago, so we've got to get it done.

We have been watching my big-for-his-age nephew, Cal, while my sister, Pameron, is back in Missouri, paying off a little debt.

To society. She's in prison.

For a tiny parole violation.

She tried something on in a store and accidentally walked out.

It was another woman's purse.

The silver lining is, Cal is benefiting from our parenting experience.

Mitchell is molding young Cal's brain, while I handle the young boy's body.

It's a miracle we're not in prison. Yeah.

Okay, let's sing the alphabet for Mommy.

Come on, you and I worked on this.

(SINGING) A, B... - Six!

I think I've put so much information in there, it's getting jumbled up on the way out.

Let's do some of your stuff. Throw him a ball or something.

Oh! Okay, yeah, that's a great idea.

Okay, on the count of three, Cal. Are you ready? One, two, three.

Oh. Okay.

All right, um, well, hugs. Hey, how about a hug?

Aw! He is such a good hugger.

Okay, here's the thing. Football camp started when Cal came.

Then I was laid up because of that dinner at Absolutely Crabulous.

Well, don't worry. I've been slacking on my end, too.

Yeah, but I've been telling Pam that Cal is thriving here.

We can't send her a video of him reciting his A, B, sixes!

I wonder... Go on. I'm in.

Is it possible to shoot him in a way that makes him look better than he is?

Honey, are you kidding? Vin Diesel is a movie star.

Anything is possible with editing.

What have you got there? Just choosing some classes for college.

This one looks interesting. "In this intensive..." Nope.

(SCOFFS) Drop that!

Game day, buddy.

For the first time ever, Luke and I are taking part in the sport of kings, the savory science.

We're teamed in a parent-child hot dog eating contest.

We've been training for weeks, and I'm proud to say that Luke, like his old man, is blessed with a dogger's mouth.

I felt something tear inside.

Push through it, you'll thank me when you start to feel the gorger's high.

Ahhh! What the hell!

Oh, is the hot dog making you angry?

An angry stomach is 12% larger. Boo!

I think we've got a real shot to take down Rhonda and Thandie Hodak.

But they're undefeated.

I guess that makes us underdogs. CLAIRE: Mmm.

How long you been sitting on that one?

Not as long as you've been sitting on that couch.

CLAIRE: Hmm. Hey, can I get in on that floor bagel?

Alex decided to take off some time earlier this summer, and, like everything else she does, she did it a little too well.

(CLATTER)

Who's there? Did you bring food?

Uh... Tomatoes, but they won't be ready for six weeks.

You have a backup?

Well, I fell asleep on my phone, and I think my face ordered another one.

Oh.

You know what? You wanna join me? You go back to work in a few weeks.

You'll regret it if you don't relax a little.

Uh, okay, sure.

These could wait 10 minutes until I get them in the ground, right?

(TV PLAYING)

Can you scratch my nose? I feel like you're closer.

Okay, up on the table for a little stomach massage and heckler prep.

Hey, gals, things haven't been going that great between me and Arvin.

And he's stopping by to say goodbye before leaving for Switzerland.

Could you take off the onesies and make it look like we don't live in an insane asylum?

You suck! You eat like a moron! (DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, my God! It's like you want Arvin to throw his return ticket off an Alp.

Mmm. No wonder she's so stressed. She's wearing, like, a seven-sie.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Haley? Fancy meeting you here.

(LAUGHING) Wait, why? I... I live here.

(NERVOUSLY) No, I know. I was making a joke. It was stupid.

Oh, no, it wasn't stupid. It was funny.

You didn't laugh. Do it again. I'll laugh this time.

I'd rather not. Sorry, I'm just, um...

Oh, I'm really nervous, and I feel like this goodbye has so much pressure on it.

So let's just relax and be with each other.

I actually have to go. No, seriously. (LAUGHING)

(SIGHS) I misread my itinerary, and I have to get to the airport.

No! Uh, so this is it? This is goodbye?

I'm afraid so.

I'm going to miss you. I'm going to miss you, too.

Aw. (HORN HONKING)

That's my car. I should probably...

(HORN BLARING)

Okay, uh, well, goodbye, Haley.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh!

Love you.

(DOOR OPENS) Love you, too!

Is he gone?

Yeah. Oh, good.

No one wants old, fuddy-duddy dad ruining the big romantic moment.

I'll be upstairs, hiding in Luke's closet.

All right, there we go, Cal. Chew the peanut butter.

See, now, with editing, we can make it look like he's saying anything we want, numbers, the alphabet, a joke about Jewish people... Pam loves those.

Movie tricks come easy to me, clowns being naturals at deception.

It's true. A couple months into dating, Cam told me he was a clown, did a little performance for me, and I did feel deceived.

Okay, now, when I say "action," Cal's gonna throw me the ball.

You're gonna walk backwards. And then, in editing, I'll reverse it, make it look like Cal's catching the ball, and you're walking normally.

Uh, why am I even in it at all?

Remind me of something, Mitchell, is the best art made by a million voices chiming in, or one man with a single vision?

(PIANO KEYS CLICKING) Okay, we'll lay in the piano later.

(SINGING) Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder what you are CALHOUN: I have to pee!

He has to pee. Yup. Okay. He has to pee.

All right, take five.

Lily, this is our first cut, so, if you see anything wonky, let us know.

(CLASSICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Oh! Hello, Mommy! Happy birthday!

- One plus one is two. Simple math. (PEN CLICKS)

I can catch a ball.

(CAT MEOWS)

How'd you miss the cat?

I didn't. That take was your best walk.

(TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR PLAYS ON PIANO)

That is gold.

(BIG-BAND INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(TAPPING)

Why the giant bottle of wine?

It's for perspective, and nobody's asking that question.

Didn't I just ask it? Oh, Cam...

I know. It's certified rotten.

(TAPPING)

(LOUD CHOMPING)

Luke...

He's only getting a third of the dog on his first bite.

Anything less than half, and you're playing for second.

Well, the good news is the Fourth is weeks away.

Um, it's today.

Today?

June? Oh. Yeah, gone.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

There you are. It's almost time for our show.

Wait. What are you wearing?

Clothes. I got to get back into school mode before I lose my edge.

Mom, you might want to think about rejoining life before your brain freezes, too.

Yeah, don't you worry about me. (FLY BUZZING)

(LAUGHS)

What's that?

Oh, um...

Listen, no dad wants to have this talk with his son, but you're just not eating enough hot dogs.

(SIGHS) I'm sorry. For some reason, I just... I can't focus.

I think what Luke is trying to say is, he's too old for this contest, and he doesn't have the heart to tell you.

That's impossible. I'm an adult. I'm still super into it.

Yeah, my 20s should be my prime hot dog eating years.

That was just my first attempt. I'm gonna figure this out. Hang on.

Despite what Alex says, I have not lost my edge.

Something just clicked.

Fine. You're right. It's college.

It is?

I'm distracted because I'm feeling some pressure about which classes to take.

But don't worry. I'm gonna figure it out.

Wow. How could you tell?

I'm just a perceptive guy.

I wasn't talking about Luke. The clicking was in my jaw.

My old TMJ injury was back, thanks to all the training.

I got it in college, when I bet my roommate I could out-frisbee-catch his golden retriever.

And guess who won... (GROANING)

Ugh! CLAIRE: Aw!

Arvin and I had the worst goodbye. Mmm.

We've had such a weird past couple months.

That long?

It feels like it all started in the hospital after I told him I loved him.

There you go. That's it. You pressured him.

Too much, too soon.

Maybe. Something's not lining up.

Okay, you're right. Seriously?

Something happened in the hospital while Arvin was gone.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Lost again? No, this time I meant to come back.

I have some pretty big news. You should probably be sitting for this.

Okay.

(WHIRRING)

(WHIRRING STOPS) I lied. I'm not married anymore.

My wife left me for her ex-husband. I'm a divorcÚ.

Why are you telling me this?

Because I'm back in town, I'm going to nursing school, and we might run into each other.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life pretending my wife is in the bathroom.

Yeah, I would start to worry about her after a while.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

It's okay. I don't think we ever really got each other.

Like, you know how when you and I used to go to concerts, we used to just look at each other and know?

It was time for me to get on your shoulders and throw my bra at the drummer. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Yeah. Like you probably have that with Arvin, right?

Definitely. That's awesome.

With my wife, she's pretty, and smart, and a doctor.

But if you're always telling yourself how lucky you are, it's probably because you're afraid to ask yourself how happy you are, right?

I brought ice chips, or are they "ice fries" here?

Oh! Ha.

I can't believe Dylan got into my head.

I can't believe he got into nursing school.

That's the biggest one they got?

Yes, and I'm not going back again.

Have you seen Manny? I've been looking all over for him.

I don't see him.

I've been here, busy inspecting the troops.

Young lady, could you straighten that hat?

Sir, that horn could use a shine.

Haircut.

Gloria, if this goes well, in a couple of months, I'll be lighting the town Christmas tree.

Take that, Dad.

You know what is weird?

After so many years at Carnaval to be at a parade with people fully dressed.

Gloria, focus. You've got a big role in this.

After I cut the ribbon, it's your job to fire off the cannon.

That's the signal for everybody to start marching.

But isn't the grand marshal's job to fire the cannon?

So the ribbon cuts itself?

Gloria, what you don't know about parades...

(CELL PHONE BUZZES) Wait, wait. (GASPS)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Are you coming? The parade is about to start.

Hey, Jay!

Hey, Tom, how's it going?

Great, actually. My wife and I are back together.

Well, not exactly. I mean, we're going on dates. We're hoping to recapture...

Yeah, yeah, I want to hear all about it, but I think the local paper needs a photo.

Oh, of course, yeah.

Gloria, get in the shot.

(SIGHS)

Gloria!

But you promised that you were going to be here.

Just shoot. Go ahead, shoot it!

What? Okay!

No, not yet!

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

JAY: Damn it, Gloria, it's not cutting.

These aren't lefties!

Grand marshal! Take that, Grandpa.

You must be on top of the world.

Well, I'm putting on a brave face for the good of the country, but truth is, we did not get off to a great start.

Gloria is not on her game today, and I'm afraid she's gonna forget to lead the standing ovation after my speech.

Hmm. In fact, I'm tagging you in.

Your cue is "Pursuit of Happiness."

And if you can sell it, a "bravo" would be nice.

Okay. I... I know what's wrong with Gloria.

This is a big day for you, and she's feeling left out.

No, that's not it. Damn it.

You're not getting here till tomorrow?

How does your name even have the word "man" in it?

Something just clicked. Jaw trouble?

No. She was just talking with Manny, who's not coming.

Don't Gloria and Manny have some Fourth of July tradition?

Come to think of it, they share a slice of apple pie and watch the fireworks.

They've been doing that every year since he was born!

Until this year, which is why Gloria is upset.

Yes! Mmm-hmm. You're right.

I let this sash go to my head. I never should have brought it.

Oh, I can help you out, but you're gonna have to give up on your little speech thing.

Hey, kid. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where'd you get the fireworks?

You a cop? Oh...

There's a stand in the grocery store parking lot, but he's closing up.

You get the fireworks and the apple pie.

I will take care of Manny. I am back! I am really back!

My car's blocked in. All this traffic, I'll never make it.

Look at that. Right there. (HORN BEEPING)

Check it out, I'm a Shriner.

Cool. Listen, I need to borrow your car. It's kind of an emergency.

But my dad's excited to see me in the parade.

He was a Tuskegee Airman.

Maybe the minute you stop trying so hard is the minute he'll start loving you.

Now, hop out of there, and go clear a path for me through those lawn chairs.

Come on, I'll help you out. I don't...

How about this one, okay?

Maybe we'll get lucky, and he'll be good at this.

Okay. Don't you think this is a little hateful?

Waterboarding a clown for a prize?

Oh, come on, you guys spray each other with seltzer all the time.

That's between two consenting clowns.

One second, let's get this. Okay, go ahead.

No, no, wrong way. Oh. Okay, okay. You've got to...

Okay. It's all right.

You know what? Maybe it's just time we admit to Pam we haven't taught him a thing.

You know, I just... I don't want to let him down.

I've come to really enjoy having him around.

I know. I know. Me, too.

But it's not like we're bad at parenting.

I mean, Lily turned out to be a smart, sensitive, little girl.

Ugh! You're a disgrace to this family.

MANNY: I don't think you heard me, I'm over the bridge.

I know. Now, we're just catching up.

Sorry I didn't win.

Oh, no, no, no, you don't have to apologize.

You did just great. Aw!

We're the ones who need to do better.

(CHUCKLES) You know what? You give great hugs.

Hey, we taught him that.

Well, too bad it isn't exactly a skill. (SHEEP BLEATS)

Or is it?

Mutton busting?

What is that?

It's a sheep rodeo for kids.

It's like you didn't have a childhood. Come on.

MALE ANNOUNCER: The hot dog eating contest is about to begin.

Sorry I'm not in worse shape for this.

Don't worry about it, buddy. You've had a lot on your mind.

Any luck choosing your courses?

Not yet. I don't really wanna talk about that right now.

Maybe you're putting too much pressure on...

It's more than just picking classes, okay?

Can we just drop it and focus on what we're doing here?

Yeah, of course.

(EXHALES SLOWLY)

Exciting to be in the competition, huh?

Instead of sitting up in the bleachers, like the last three years.

I guess.

Scary, sure. But it does feel good putting our butts on the line.

You lose 100% of the hot dog eating contests you don't enter.

Dad, I know what your bumper sticker is, and I know what you're trying to do here.

But college is different.

I mean, you screw up at community college, and you're out of options.

You're not gonna screw it up.

I've messed up a lot of things in my life.

I'm scared I'll do it again.

Good. What?

Being scared means you care.

Maybe that's what's been missing in the past.

It's the biggest thing I've ever tried to do.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Contestants, ready positions!

Just take it one step at a time.

Don't worry about the 50 to hopefully 75 hotdogs you're gonna eat.

Just worry about the dog in front of you.

And wet the buns.

- Eat! (STARTING GUN FIRES)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SHEEP BLEATING)

Are we sure this is safe?

Oh, my gosh, yes. The kids love it.

The sheep love it. (BUZZER)

And I'm pretty sure it's too late.

CALHOUN: Whoa! Hang on, Cal! Keep hugging!

Oh, my gosh, Pam is going to be so excited!

He's already busting at a first-grade level.

MAN: Ow!

Better get an X-ray.

You got trampled pretty bad. Looks like that ankle is broken.

(TROMBONE PLAYS SAD NOTES)

Really, Jerry?

Haley? What are you doing here?

Well, you tweeted you were working.

The water tower was in the back of your Instagram story, and you just left a Yelp rating for that falafel place around the corner, so I figured out where you were.

Could you please stop being so obsessed with me?

Wait, what?

That thing that you said at the hospital, how if a person felt lucky to be in a relationship, that means they couldn't really be happy.

Obviously, you did that to try and ruin what I have with Arvin because you're not over me.

I seriously don't know whether to laugh or check you for a spider bite.

I'm sorry that you're questioning your relationship, but it's not my fault. (HALEY SCOFFS)

Just admit it! You said that to try and get back with me.

Look, in my heart of hearts, which does not exist, by the way, yeah, I still think about us. We were great!

A-ha! Nah-ha.

You're the one who drove across town, paid $12 for parking, and then an additional $2 for the yellow wristband for beer and medical tent access.

It sounds like you're the one who's into me.

You're crazy.

There's no crime in wondering if we might still be good together.

I still see us together in my mind's eye, which, by the way, doesn't exist... I can't hear it again.

Diagnosis, nothing.

(HORN HONKING)

(GRUNTS)

How was the parade?

I had something more important to do.

Apple pie?

I got a few weird looks at the drive-thru, but it was worth it to help keep your tradition alive.

You mean Manny and me? That's not going to happen because...

I've got that covered, too.

Mmm-hmm.

Ta-da!

Hi, Mom! I miss you!

Oh, Jay, that's perfect.

It's not perfect yet.

(WHISTLES)

Should we really give the dangerous job to my only smart one?

(FIREWORKS BURSTING) (GASPS)

Happy Fourth of July, Papi!

I'll be home soon, before you know it.

JAY: Thomas Jefferson, who was sort of the grand marshal of his time, believed this country should be a place where people are free to pursue happiness and a better life, where we can set our sights on the stars and, with hard work and determination...

(AIR HORN BLARING) ...make the impossible a reality.

Because Americans don't run from challenges. We embrace them.

(MUFFLED CHEERING)

God bless America. Hold for applause.

That would have killed, right? Bravo!

You know, I gave up a lot today. You could mean it.

Never too early to start training for next year.

Let's loosen up first with some exercises.

Llama lick.

Dizzy Gillespie. Jiffy Pop it. (BOTH BLOW AIR)

Hold it, and out.

Dad, I don't think I can ever eat another hot dog again.

I thought we might feel this way.

Hey, you there? LILY ON PHONE: What?

We're having some trouble getting these bad boys down.

I'm not surprised, you pathetic losers.

You two disgust me more than what's in those hot dogs!

What's the hold-up?

Are we saving our bodies for bikini season, ladies?

She's good. She better be. She's expensive.