Modern Family S10E10 Script

Stuck in a Moment (2018)

Merry Christmas Eve, Alex.

So, he's still alive, must mean you haven't told Mom you're pregnant yet.

We want to be careful to do it right.

Now? You're being careful? I can't keep this secret anymore.

Look at me. (HALEY GASPS)

Ugh. She's going gray.

Oh, my God, she is. I was just gasping at the haircut.

Apparently, this is what happens when I feel stress now.

Well, we're telling them today, okay?

That way, if Mom freaks, she'll have 10 days in Bermuda to calm down.

Okay, then go now. She's never in a better mood than on Christmas Eve.

Wait, is this a good way to tell her?

We hang a stocking for "Grandma Claire," and when she goes, "I'm not a grandma," we go, "Tell that to Haley and my's baby."

Promise me you won't homeschool this kid.

Hey, Mom, what are you doing? CLAIRE: Oh.

Christmas cards are just clutter.

Wait, wait, wait. You can't throw away Uncle Cam's card.

You know how sensitive he gets about his piano placement.

Remember that one year, where his card was slightly behind the one from our old babysitter?

Mmm. I believe he spoke the charming phrase, "And who is this whore?"

Well, Christmas is at Grandpa's this year, so Cam will never see it.

D YLAN: Check out the sledding polar bear paper.

Can't look at that and not be in a good mood, huh?

Yeah. I am so sick of that stuff.

I ordered five rolls from some kid for a school drive.

He shows up with 50. His fault.

And he bursts into tears like it's on me that he can't count.

I was six, Mom.

CLAIRE: Mmm.

Bermuda just gets it.

Formal, yet casual.

And home of the most perfectly tanned lower thigh, upper knee region in the world.

Not hard to pick out a Bermudan in a locker room.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) I know. Hang on.

Wait. Well, this can't be right.

This itinerary says we're on four flights with three layovers.

Oh, yeah. Um, remember how I found that amazing airline deal online?

Yeah, but two of these layovers are six hours each.

Yes, but the third one's only 12 minutes.

But it's at O'Hare.

Honey, we'll have to sprint from one end of the airport to the other.

It'll all be worth it when we wake up on December 27th in Bermuda where the forecast predicts "hot fog."

Can't we just take a direct flight?

There's no changes. The terms were very clear as part of a promotion for a new website called "tickets. Plane."

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, yeah. I have a showing right down the street.

Okay. Wait, hang on. Don't leave.

What is "economy minus"?

A plus, actually, since no one's jealous of people with aisle seats, because it's basically two innovative 18-person benches facing each other.

Phil!

(TAKES DEEP BREATH)

What? Nothing.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Who moved Cam's card? He's gonna be very upset if it's not on the mantel.

I put it in a drawer until he gets here. That glitter was getting on everything.

I breathed some of that in.

I cough gold now. (DOOR CLOSES)

Gloria, you got a package from Colombia.

Must mean the government took back the airstrip.

Those are the gifts from my cousins!

(GASPS)

Beautiful!

Back home, we call this "suéteres de Navidad."

So, Christmas sweaters.

Put them on so we can take a picture.

Wow. These are really soft!

Damn cozy is what they are.

Oh, look! They also sent a banana leaf wreath.

(GASPS) Ay, no!

Banana spider! What is that?

It's a deadly spider. It would kill you.

I know what "deadly" means.

Where'd it go? I'm wearing backless house slippers.

I think it ran over to the... (ORNAMENTS TINKLING)

(MANNY GASPS)

GLORIA: He took the tree!

Am I the only one who feels kind of itchy?

The sweaters! (GLORIA SHRIEKS)

GLORIA: Where there's one, there's many!

Run! Let's go!

(TRUCK HORN BLARING ON TV)

Dear God. He's got the remote.

(GLORIA EX CLAIMS)

SANTA: Ho, ho, ho! Okay. Smile.

Can we go look at phones after this?

No, Lily, you are not getting a cell phone for Christmas.

They're expensive and you haven't proven yourself responsible enough to own one yet.

Uh, I was responsible enough to come to a foreign country and build a life with two strangers.

Okay, you used that one to get a later bedtime, all right?

Oh. Cal, you're next.

SANTA: Ho, ho, ho!

We want Cal to have a perfect Christmas.

It's tough with his mom being in prison.

Plus, his holiday season kind of got off to a rough start.

You know, of all of our wonderful ornament selects, these are my fave.

Merry Christmas!

From Mitch and Cam. (CHUCKLES)

(SINGING) Up on the rooftop reindeer pause Out jumps good old Santa Claus Down through the chimney with lots of toys All for the little ones' Christmas joy Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go!

Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go!

Up on the housetop Click, click, click...

He was fine. He was fine.

We barely got through three verses and a repeat chorus before we realized our mistake.

Although, that rainstorm came out of nowhere. Yeah.

SANTA: Merry Christmas, little Cal!

Lily, take your cousin over there. Relax a little.

Okay, go.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, Santa. Just wondering if you could do us a favor and tell us what our nephew just asked for, for Christmas.

I know you. You're that lawyer.

Oh, no. This is never good.

You're the ADA who charged me with public intoxication.

Got me sentenced to 50 hours community service, working as a mall Santa is part of it.

Okay, well, I'm sorry, but can't we move past that?

We really need to know what our nephew asked for.

He asked for a more lenient justice system.

Well, I doubt that. He's pretty conservative.

We have to pretend to be roommates.

Can we move this along?

I only have my kids for four hours this week.

SANTA: Merry Christmas.

(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION) You know what? As a former mall Santa, I vowed to never comment on a sitting Santa, but you're a disgrace to the red and white.

Phil, I just got off the phone with my dad.

We're moving Christmas Eve to our house.

I've gotta run out and get some groceries.

See you soon. Bye.

(CLAIRE EX CLAIMS)

Where's the tree?

Where are the gifts?

I assumed you canceled Christmas because you found out that I...

But I interrupted you.

Did your dad take them to his showing?

He's always doing this.

He steals my decorations to stage his houses to make them homier.

He swore he would stop doing this!

At least he left the wreaf.

"Wreath."

I've heard it both ways.

Now I have, too. It doesn't make it right.

What are we supposed to do?

We can't host a Christmas without a tree.

I thought you weren't allowed to host Christmas anymore after last year.

I took a swing at a new way to prepare a turkey.

(CLATTERING)

Well, this is frozen.

No, Dad, you hit a bone.

I saw this on Top Chef.

They cooked an entire turkey in one hour.

Luke had some. You're fine, aren't you, buddy?

Check on Joe.

JAY: Oh, no. (GLORIA GASPS)

(LINE RINGING) (CLAIRE HUFFS)

Your father isn't answering.

You knew about this, didn't you?

I could tell you were hiding something.

(CUP AND SAUCER CLATTERING) (DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Phil?

Phil?

Phi... Oh! (MUMBLES)

This theater is totally soundproof, so no one will hear you yelling at Jim to pick up his socks, Sandy.

(SAND Y CHUCKLES) She does get loud.

(PHILIP AND JIM LAUGHING)

So all of this, plus it's in a great school district...

Oh, my God. Was this house just robbed?

I told you this was a sketchy area.

I am not going through another home invasion with the kids and me banging on the panic room door.

So, you guys chat and I'II, uh, take a minute, see if I can find a replacement tree and nine identically-wrapped gifts.

It's the perfect way to get your mom in a good mood.

Think about it.

Cupcakes are little cakes just like babies are little people.

I guess.

I just want this to go well.

I'm in a really good place with this baby, and I want my mom to be, too.

(SIGHS) She wasn't in the best mood this morning.

It's Christmas Eve. She can't stay a Grinch all day.

Thank you. (CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Uh, that was the exterminator.

He is on his way, but he's gonna have to tent the house for a couple of days.

And I'm trying to book us a hotel but the call keeps dropping.

Joe, let's go to the backyard, there's better reception.

Hey, listen. I left something inside, I need you to get it for me.

This should keep you safe.

Are you crazy? I'm not going back into that spider's nest.

Fine. I hate them, too.

The problem is, they're attracted to my musk.

I went to the insect room at the zoo a while back, and they started banging on the glass like inmates.

What'd you leave in there that's so important?

It's a medication. I'm fine, but I didn't tell your mom 'cause I didn't want her to worry.

Can we just stop by a liquor store and refill your prescription?

It's a medicine. Look, I'm sure our hotel has a top-notch spa.

One that might add a hot stone massage, an herbal soak...

Do I look like someone who could be bought?

No, but you do look like someone who might enjoy a four-handed Balinese seaweed swaddle.

You son of a bitch.

So, Cal, what did you and Santa talk about?

It's a secret. (MITCHELL SIGHS)

Me, I'd be fine with just cash. You guys have enough on your plate.

Okay, you're not buying yourself a phone, all right?

Ooh. Santa's on break.

Okay, Lily, go sit with Cal again.

You guys need me. Maybe throw a "please" in there.

Yeah.

Hi! Hi!

Oh. It really is the most wonderful time of the year, isn't it? Beautiful.

So, listen. Do you mind...

You think you're the first parents wanting to take a peek at my scroll?

Better stick something in my bootie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

Cash in the slipper, perv.

Oh. Do you wanna... Um... Yeah. I got...

I've got $10. MITCHELL: Thank you.

No, this is just a list of toys.

None of the kids' names are next to them.

Oh. Oh. You know what? We'll look at pictures of Cal in line and then match the kids up behind him with the toys on the list. Okay.

So, well, I guess this Asian kid, he maybe wants the...

There's no time to be politically correct.

He wants the calculator and he wants it bad.

Wait, does that mean that this little boy wants the Barbie Styling Head?

Yep. Look at the turned-out foot.

Oh, of course, he wants the Barbie Styling Head.

Which means Cal wants...

Hot Wheels! Hot Wheels!

Okay. Yes! Let's go.

Thank you. CAM: Thank you.

LILY: Uh...

Don't worry. They come back.

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

Please tell me you told Mom and Dad.

No, but we're gonna tell them in song.

Listen to this part.

(SINGING) Soon a baby as cute as us Will spring forth from Haley's uterus

(EX CLAIMS) I love it.

She's lying. She just wants us to get it over with so her eczema will go away.

I don't have... Oh, my God.

Okay, you got this. You're quicker than those things.

I doubt that. You're smarter.

I can't make a web out of nothing. Plus, you got a weapon.

A leaf blower?

Hey, that thing can blow a Pomeranian through a hedge.

Let's just say, little Mimi from next door won't be visiting our lawn anymore.

Now hurry up before your mom gets back.

We'll be in constant communication.

Go, go, go.

JAY: (OVER WALKIE-TALKIE) Keep your head on a swivel. Head for my bathroom.

Remember, that spider can sense the subtlest sign of fear.

MANNY: (SCREAMS OVER WALKIE-TALKIE) Something just ran past my foot!

(GRUNTING) (LEAF BLOWER WHIRRING)

(LEAF BLOWER POWERS DOWN)

Damn it, the power's out!

So am I!

JAY: No! You just leveled the playing field.

They have eight eyes, you only have two.

You just took away their one advantage.

What about their sac of poison?

Okay, I'm in the bathroom. JAY: Good. Good.

The medication is down below, in the cabinet.

You want me to reach my hand into a dark, damp breeding ground?

It's all the way in the back, on the far right.

Just feel around for the jar.

So, skitter my hand back and forth?

That's basically a spider mating dance.

Got it.

Whoa! Ow!

Talk to me. Over.

(GRUNTING)

Manny!

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Not leaving! Still shopping!

As if getting robbed wasn't bad enough, now that we were hosting Christmas, I had to get a new tree and gifts into the house before Claire got home.

Fortunately, I had a copy of her gift list.

It was eerie how many of these events were lining up with the plot of my children's book in progress, The Realtor Who Saved Christmas.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (LINE RINGING)

LUKE: (OVER CELL PHONE) Hello? PHILIP: Buddy, I need a favor.

Remember that polar bear wrapping paper you made us buy so much of because you can't do math? Uh-huh.

Grab a couple rolls of it, meet me out in front of the house in 20 minutes.

We're all out. Mom used the last of it on this year's gifts.

Damn it, I need a bunch of it.

Where am I supposed to find...

CHOIR: (SINGING) Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah...

All good, Luke.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(TRAIN HORN HOOTING)

Well, we got what we need.

I'm glad someone's getting what they want this year.

You know what, here, take my phone.

If you can get through a day without losing it, it's yours.

(THUMP) (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

You must've run through some hairspray.

Your boots are like flypaper.

That's why that spray was banned.

Birds were flying over the factory and getting stuck together.

(MANNY GRUNTS SOFTLY)

Hey, wait. Wait a second. Wait a second.

This is your medication?

"Good Old Fashioned Elbow Grease"?

I suffer from dry elbow.

That's what I risked my life for?

Supple elbows are heavily featured in every good power pose.

That's how I got the cover to Closet World.

I literally elbowed my way to the top.

(SIGHS) I booked us a hotel.

Manny, you're sharing a room with Joe.

Fix that.

What are you roasting on the space heater?

Oh, I threw those cards in the trash.

They got all soggy.

Even Uncle Cam's? Mmm.

You have to save those for seven years, like tax returns.

Hello, Phil. (STARTLED YELL)

Oh. That's right, the tree's back where it belongs.

You stole it?

Oh, no, you did.

Just like you stole my family of plastic Thanksgiving turkeys, my inflatable Easter bunny, and my Uncle Sam piñata, all for your open houses.

Today was my chance to shed a very unfair reputation...

Claire. I put two people in the hospital one time, and now I'm a Christmas ruiner?

Fire!

Oh, my God, get the extinguisher!

(YELLS) It's Cam's glitter card!

I knew it! PHILIP: Stand back!

(CLAIRE YELLS)

The tree, Phil! Watch the gifts! (SHRIEKS)

The gifts! Phil! No!

Honey, the...

It's out!

This must be the one Luke and I used for our jet pack prototype.

You know, we're being crazy.

There is no perfect moment.

We're just going to walk in there like adults and tell them.

(CLAIRE GRUNTING)

(DOOR OPENS)

PHILIP: Honey... It's no use.

It's over, Phil.

The house smells like smoke, we have no tree, and nine scorched, yet soaking wet gifts.

Worst of all, I have to make Mitchell's day by telling him we're moving the party to his house, and I'm on permanent host probation forever.

Who knows?

Maybe in a couple years, they'll toss me a pity holiday.

"Welcome to my non-alcoholic Earth Day brunch."

(SIGHS)

In brighter news, I am getting on a prop plane in a couple hours.

The Bermuda Triangle's still a thing, right?

PHILIP: Claire?

Honey, I just can't right now. I'm not in the mood for...

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

How? Merry Christmas from me.

Did you sneak out earlier and buy all this stuff to cover your tracks?

Or you could choose to believe it's a Christmas miracle.

I choose miracle.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

JAY: Happy holidays! Hey!

GLORIA: Feliz Navidad! CAM: Hey!

Thank you for taking over. CAM: Season's greetings!

You saved the day! Merry Christmas.

Well, you know. It's kind of what I do. PHILIP: Hmm.

Come on, drinks in the kitchen. CAM: Yay! All right!

MITCHELL: Hi. How are you? PHILIP: Fine.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Manny, what's up with the noggin bump?

GLORIA: What? Where? (GASPS)

Oh, no, that looks like a banana spider bite!

Not a bite, he bumped his head.

No, that looks like a bite.

My sister got bit by a Missouri silo spider, lost a toe.

Happy ending, she was born with 11.

Manny, we need to get that checked.

There is an antidote, but if you have never been bitten by a spider, it might kill you.

Let's go to the car. Jay.

Stop. He wasn't bitten.

He bumped his head when he went back in the house to grab my medication.

What medication?

Oh, my God. Dad, are you okay?

We're gonna get through this, buddy.

It's an elbow cream that I secretly use every night after Gloria falls asleep.

You sent our son into the nest of a deadly spider for a beauty cream?

It's a medicine that treats the heartbreaking condition of dry elbow.

It requires a veterinarian's prescription because it's primarily used on rhinos and elephants.

(ALL TITTERING)

I see, on our march to become a perfect society, elbow-shaming is still allowed.

I get a little dry sometimes.

Hey. You're just as much a person as everybody else.

I can't believe that you're so vain that you...

Wait, is that my Christmas card stuck on the bottom of your shoe?

And why is it singed?

Oh. You got to be less about the cards.

We all think it.

Didn't you empty a can of powerful hairspray in the bathroom?

And did you go in there, too?

Fine! I needed something, okay?

But at least I went in myself.

After you offered me $20 and I said no.

Some of us can't be bought. JAY: What did you need?

Whatever it is, we're gonna get through this.

A night guard.

I didn't want to tell you, but every night, I wait for you to fall asleep so I put it on.

It's so unattractive.

That's it?

(MUMBLING) It's not attractive. I look hideous!

Aw. That really humanizes her.

I don't care for it.

Okay, one of my teeth is loose. I am begging you to tell them.

That's what this is.

I'm coming down the chimney as Santa, delighting Joe and Cal.

Mom will see how good he is with kids and then be super chill with us being pregnant.

ALEX: Mmm.

D YLAN: (GRUNTS SOFTLY) Uh-oh.

I'm stuck.

CLAIRE: Okay, everybody, come on!

Picture time in front of the tree, let's go!

HALEY: Oh, God, just be quiet.

There you are. Okay, where's Dylan?

Aw, Mom?

We need somebody to take the picture.

D YLAN: Harsh.

What was that?

Don't we always have the fire on? No!

GLORIA: I'm sure we do. Last year, we used it to finish cooking Claire's turkey pieces.

Jay, go turn it on.

Wait! Everybody 12 and under, out.

What?

Honey, uh, what's going on?

Dylan's stuck in the chimney.

(LAUGHTER)

Why?

He's dressed up as Santa. He was gonna hand presents out to the kids.

PHILIP: Aw. D YLAN: Don't tell them now, I wanna be with you.

Tell us what? Nothing! It can wait.

No! It can't, please. My organs are shutting down.

Okay, fine. I...

We have an announcement.

Dylan and I are having a baby.

(GLORIA AND MITCHELL GASP)

D YLAN: Are they smiling?

You're pregnant?

Yes.

(CLEARS THROAT) And we're really happy about it.

Why wouldn't you be?

Wow.

Mom?

It's a lot to process at once, and...

(VOICE TREMBLES) A baby, unbelievable.

(ALL CHEERING)

MITCHELL: Congratulations! CAM: Oh, my gosh, a baby!

CLAIRE: Oh, God!

You handled that a lot better than I did back in the day.

On the outside. On the inside, I'm you. JAY: Mmm-hmm. (CHUCKLES)

D YLAN: Can somebody save my life?

JAY: Oh. Cam, grab a foot. CAM: Yup.

(JAY AND CAM GRUNTING)

God, he's really wedged in there. Whoo!

If only we had some kind of award-winning placenta-based lubricant.

Fine!

Here, Dylan, use a little bit of this.

I can't believe a little Dylan is gonna pop out of you.

What would that even look like?

(ALL CHEERING)

JAY: Hey! PHILIP: Hey!

JAY: Dylan! CAM: Look who it is!

Everybody, come on in for the picture.

Yeah. I'll set the timer.

This is all gonna work out, right? MANNY: Come on, Cal, right here.

Definitely. Yeah.

Hang on, let me get my elbows ready. (CLEARS THROAT)

Come stand here.

Okay, everybody smile. Say, "Baby!"

ALL: Baby!

(PHILIP AND CLAIRE SIGH SOFTLY)

BOTH: (SINGING) Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

'Tis the season to be jolly Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Don we now our gay apparel Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la Did we leave the kids at Claire's house?

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Lily really needs a cell phone Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Follow me in merry measure Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la