Modern Family S10E17 Script

The Wild (2019)

Okay, folks, you might want to put on some sunscreen.

Up this high, the trees start to thin out.

Oh, this might be a good place for a picture.

Oh, let me go behind that rock. I'll change into my next look.

Another one? He has to.

His Instagram follower demands it. Eagle!

Oh, wait, false alarm. It's just a plastic bag in a tree.

Eagle! No, sorry.

Bag fell.

Every winter, I take a birdwatching trip with my buddies, specifically to see a bald eagle.

So far, no luck.

This year, my buddies bailed. Back spasm, cracked hip.

And I'm the idiot for installing a shower chair.

I was all set to go solo, when those three tag-alongs invited themselves.

They invaded my territory like a bunch of bay-breasted warblers.

Darned if I didn't feel like a bay-breasted warbler horning in on Jay's trip, but Gloria made us go.

She was worried about my dad being out in the woods alone at his age, so she gently nudged us to join him.

Gloria, if my dad doesn't want us...

Hey, Dad, uh, what are you doing this weekend?

A little nature trip. Oh! Sounds like fun. Count us in.

Actually, I was looking for a little alone time.

Hey! Am I the only one with bald eagles on the brain?

You know what? I think in about 10 minutes, the light's going to be perfect for my "Afternoon Adventurer" look.

Okay, uh, before we head deeper into the woods, I should warn you folks that there's been several bear sightings in the area.

So, if you happen to have any food... Got it!

(BAG THUDS) I was going to say you can store it in this bear box.

Oh. Um... Okay, well, then talk amongst yourselves.

It could take me a while to find where my manly heave sent that heavy...

Oh! Here it is. Someone must have heaved it back.

Thank you!


Hello? Oh, hey, Gloria. Thanks for coming.

It's gonna be such a fun girls' night.

Drinking wine, planning the nursery.

Okay, I was going to surprise you, but I can't wait anymore.

It's a handmade mobile of great women in history.

Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks. Oh!

I just hope it goes with the theme that Dylan wants for the room.

Are any of these women important in the fields of fire trucks or unicorns?


How perfect is this?

They delivered the crib and I know just the crew of handy honeys to help me put it together.

Ugh. Not now, Mom. I've had the worst day.

Me, too. Quick. Start crying.

We need to derail her enthusiasm before she...


Too late. She's dancing.

Way to rock it, girlfriend!

I cannot deny it anymore.

I am turning into a white woman.

Is there a problem, girlfriends?

Spin class was canceled!

(GASPS) No! What are we gonna do with our day?

When in doubt, brunch.

Where's the nearest place that serves kale and also has a pun in its name?

There's an Underground Kale-Road down the street.

Let's go. WOMAN: Thank God.

I've gotten soft lately.

I think I've lost my Colombian edge.

I think we'll all feel better if we accomplish something.

Yes, unlike Jay, that has been going on these hunting trips for 20 years and not once has he brought home a bald eagle.

CLAIRE: Oh, God.

Hendrix couldn't read music, Shaq couldn't make free throws and I have a little trouble visualizing space and scale.

So, I think this closet design gives us everything we need in a tight residential space.

Yeah, very clever.

Take a walk-through. Does the flow make sense?

Well, um, (CLEARS THROAT) I would get out of the shower and throw my clothes in the hamper here, pick out an outfit and then get dressed right here.

You just threw your clothes in the fireplace and got dressed in front of the picture window.

Well, you have your morning routine, Mia.

(SOFTLY) I have mine.

All right, let's get this over with. Mom, where do we start?


Maybe Mommy just needs some cougar juice.

(SIGHS) What's wrong with me?

Watch your step, folks.

Some of the terrain gets a little tricky on this part of the hike.

Oh, good. I thought I had changed into my "Remote Trailhead" look too soon.

You okay, Dad? Want to stop and take a break?

No, no. I just want to stop and maybe see an eagle.

Ah. Everybody look.

You've been doing this for 20 years and never seen one, huh?

Correct. (SHUSHES)

I know.

Mother Nature can be a... Phil, stop talking!

You're scaring the eagles!

(WHISPERING) Sorry. That's my bad. My bad.

Also, sorry for... Oh, my God!

Since we're talking again, we should start heading back.

It will be dark soon.

Or, if you'd like, there's a cabin just up this trail.

It's pretty rundown, but, uh, you're welcome to spend the night.

I'll do it. Oh!

Are we sure that's a good idea?

Um... Wasn't there a mention of bears?

No, you go home. I'll stay by myself.

We can't let him stay by himself. We told Gloria we'd keep him safe.

Yeah, if he's staying, we're staying.

Yeah, what's the worst that could happen?

I mean, in the movies, when city folks stay overnight in abandoned cabins, things usually pan out okay.

Anyway, I'm gonna run ahead and see if they have any postcards up at this poorly-guarded mental institution.

Damn it, I'm starving.

Nothing in here but an old bottle of whiskey.

Well, just try and not think about how hungry you are, or that Mitchell left the food in the bear box.

We all left the food in the... Did you change again?

Yeah, I just threw a few things together to create a "Rustic Cabin" look.

PHILIP: At least the bears won't be a concern.

Take it from a realtor, this Smith & Wiley lock is the gold standard.



All right. I think we are now ready to put together our beautiful, L-shaped crib.

This can't be right. One's way bigger.

And what, my babies are supposed to come and go as they please, like they're in a halfway house?

Um, so, a minor misreading of the diagram.

I think we're just gonna need to swap a short side for a long side, and in the meantime, we bent that bracket.

Alex, would you mind running down to the hardware store?

No way. I don't trust myself to drive anymore.

I signed up to be the student liaison for a visiting scholar on campus.

Sir Kenneth Penrose. Yes, that Sir Kenneth Penrose.

Rock star of the microbiology world.

I know you must hear this a lot, but you're the reason I took up snooker.

Do you still play? I've had to lay down my cue lately.

I've been working for months on an Ebola vaccine.

Just moments ago, I had a breakthrough.

I can't wait to get to the lab and jot down...


(EXHALES SHARPLY) That was my chemistry advisor.

I would not want to be known as the girl who...

Sir Kenneth? (GROANS SOFTLY)

(STUTTERS) Where am I?

You don't know the shame.

Now they won't let me drive around anyone smarter than a sociology professor.

You know what else hit the ground today?

Me, while I was bending over to pick up a donut off the floor.

It was covered in dust balls, but I didn't care, 'cause I'm a disgusting pig monster.

Oh, honey, please. You're as beautiful as ever.

Tell that to MugScan.

MugScan is a face recognition program we use at work.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) It was really mean to me.


AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Good morning, Wayne.

Wayne? I'm not Wayne, you jerk!

Ugh. Gosh.


(SIGHS) You all right, Haley? I'm fine, Wayne.

One of my shoes flew off in the fall and I couldn't put it back on because my feet were so swollen.

You know who makes a great shoe? New Balance.

I wear them when I power walk to Neil Diamond.

Hey, Mom, is this divider a little too high?

No, no. It's supposed to be that way.

That way, if one twin wants to visit the other, he can just go... (VOCALIZES)


Couple thoughts.

Pair of sevens. Ace high.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet Don Lemon and RuPaul.

A pair of black queens. (SIGHS)

Mitchell, that's the third time you've wandered over there.

What are you doing? (MUFFLED) Nothing.

He's got something in his mouth.

Get him! Come here.

No, no, no.

Don't... What is it? (GRUNTING)

He has beef jerky. That's the last of it. I swear.

He's lying. Check his pockets.

(GRUNTING) Stop it, stop it, stop it.

It's a family pack!

I hope the jerky was as delicious as the irony. Give it.

No! Stop it, stop it.


Great. We're sending beef smoke signals to a forest full of bears.

I'm sorry. I should have shared!

Meanwhile, there is a sack full of hiking snacks just up the road.

Brie, prosciutto, not to mention a wonderful maple walnut butter that Gloria recommended on her Pinterest board.

That's it. I'm going out there. Jay, wait!

If you see a bear, remember, blind it with the flash on your phone, then lie on your back in a submissive pose.

I'm not doing that. If I come face-to-face with a bear, he better run!

It's dark out there... (SCREAMS)

Are you sure it was the best idea to attach these before moving them upstairs?

Yeah, I eyeballed the space. It really should fit easily.

(GRUNTING) Except Alex apparently has steered us into a jam.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, that must be the pizza guy.

Coming, Carl.

You know the pizza guy's name?


Hi. Hey, Haley.

Surprised to get an order from you before midnight.

By the way, how did you like that custom shrimp and potato pizza?

(LAUGHING) I don't even know what you're talking about.

Loved it. Love you. Gonna go get my wallet.



Okay. Alex, run downstairs and get a screwdriver.

This whole thing will fit easily once we take the cribs apart.

We don't even know if this thing is gonna fit through the bedroom door.

Of course it will, but if it makes you happy, I will measure again.

Hmm. Hmm.


You always record over my programs, Mom.




Okay, no, how about this?

We all band together to form one big man to go get the food.

No. How is that supposed to work?

Back to back, um, and then link arms.

Okay. Turn around, give me your arm.

See, look, like this. All right?

Do we look big and scary? Well, I think so.

Let's move towards the door.



Nice and easy.

We're just one big man, out for a walk in the woods.

(TWIG SNAPS) Scatter!



Wait. Where's Mitchell?

He didn't make it. One of you two need to go get him.

I am better staying here as a bear decoy.

I give off a natural musk.

Birds land on me all the time. Squirrels eat out of my hand.

I can't go. Lily needs at least one living parent.


Wait. How do we know it's not the bear?


You just left me.

Oh, you weren't out there that long.

You didn't get the food?

I almost was food.

Okay, I wish I never even came on this stupid trip.

Well, who forced you? Gloria!


It's my delivery ankle. It's really bad, dudes.

It was already weak from your paintball injury, Carl.

I told you to get it checked out, but you and doctors.

Okay, fine. I know him a little.

When it rains, it pours, huh?

Margaret-Anne left me this morning, Oh.

Then my dad called me "Craig" on the phone again.

That's the name of his new son.

Oh, God! Carl, can we at least drive you home?

Not now. I have 10 pizzas going to my enemies, the Sigmas. Those rich kids get their kicks taking advantage of our "30 minutes or it's free" policy.

Use every trick in the book to slow me down.

Well, not tonight, Chad and Chip.

Not... (GROANS) The bone has got to be sticking out, right?

No, it's not even swollen.

Look, Carl, we've all had rough days.

Why don't you let us finish this delivery for you?

Okay, but we've only got, like, 10 minutes.

Let's go, then. Come here.

CLAIRE: Come on. It'll feel good to get something right today.

Plus, I wouldn't mind sticking it to some preppy white jerks.

Hey, that life comes with its own problems!

Don't be mad, Dad. Gloria was just worried about you.

I don't want to talk about it. Let's just have a drink and be quiet.

Lot of colors in that fire, huh?

Red, green, yellow... Jeez, okay.

What is this yammering with you, seriously?

I don't know.

I guess I just don't like being alone with my own thoughts.

Maybe it's because I have a couple of grandkids on the way, but now, if things get too quiet, my mind goes to a dark place fast.

I start to worry about the people that I love and all the bad things that could happen to them.

I suppose talking pushes those thoughts out and it helps me feel okay.

I get it. We can all spiral.

But you can't talk your way out of it. You got to think your way out of it.

You know, find a happy place.

Try this. Thirty seconds, no talking. Go.



JAY: Buddy, we're... I'm back, yep.

You know, I think we can learn a lot from this guy, because it's not the bears out there that we're afraid of, it's the bears in our lives, the fear that keeps us up at night, and I think that's an interesting topic we can return to once I change into my "Fireside Chat" look.

Another wardrobe change?

You're like a sultan's bride on her wedding day.

Go ahead, make fun of me.

I like my outfits.

Why so many?

I guess when I was a kid, I realized I wasn't ever gonna fit in, so I decided to stand out.

I embraced my flamboyance to let the world know their insults won't hurt me.

Want to make a joke about me? Go ahead, 'cause I'm in on it.


That's really beautiful, Cam.

And you're not alone.

Growing up, we were all insecure nerds in our own way.

I was cool.

What? I thought we were sharing.

That's very brave, Cam. That's good stuff.

Are you crazy? I shouldn't be the one driving!

There's no time to argue. Just go. Come on.


Thanks so much for making me part of your group.

It's not every day you make four new best friends.


Ugh! Why are they going so slow?

I can't get past them.

CARL: This is one of Sigma's tactics.

They track my location on the app and send pledges to try to slow me down.

Ugh! What am I gonna do?

I'll handle this. Carl, I'm taking your paintball guns.

Move, or I move you!


(ALL CHEER) GLORIA: I do still have my edge.


Will you join my paintball team?


What is that? CARL: Field of Minions. Classic Sigmas.

Don't get distracted by the cuteness. We only have five minutes.

CLAIRE: Just go around them.


ALEX: Oh, my God! I did it! And you're all still in the car.

Okay, now we can't give them any reason to say that we didn't fill the order perfectly.

So, check the pizzas and make sure they didn't shift.

Haley, I'm sure you're worrying about nothing.


Carl, do you have a pizza slicer?

Only the commemorative one I got for 10 years of service.

Give it to me. I have a vision.

Shaq and Hendrix never got past their blind spots.

Maybe they didn't want it enough.

Turning nine pizzas into 10 was a simple matter of removing one slice from each pie, then trimming off a V-shaped portion of pizza from each of the remaining slices, turning them from 36-degree angles to 40-degree angles, then putting together the 40-degree angles into nine slightly smaller pies.

After that, one had only to repurpose the nine previously removed slices into a 10th pie.

And 10! It worked.

It really did. I do have a visual brain.

That was your thing? I do not miss having white people problems.

We're here! I did it!

We only have a minute to get the pizzas inside. Let's go.

Wait, wait, wait. Uh, the frat has a video doorbell.

If they see it's a delivery, they try to run out the clock.

I'll handle this.

(SOFTLY) Stay on that side.


MAN: Yeah? Hi.


I go to U of A, and I'm super drunk.

Is there a place where I can sober up for the night?


At least my lips can still get me into a frat house.

Go, go.

Ten pizzas on time. Pay up.

You guys with Carl? We are Carl.

Come on, hurry up. A bet's a bet.

I told you I could stand on one leg longer than you.

You're the only one whose balance gets better after drinking a jug of whiskey.

All right, my follower is gonna love this.

Everybody, say cheese! Cheese.

Yes. Okay, now that is how you build a brand.

Well, I guess we should kill the rest of this whiskey.

But then we'll have nothing to serve the murderers when they arrive.

You know, you joke, but you have a certain paranoia about you.

What... What's behind that? Well...

Ooh, are we about to hear about Mitchell's bear?

Okay, it's, um... I've never told anyone this, but, uh, a fortune-teller once predicted that I would not live to see my 46th winter.

Was that that kook that used to live next door to us? She's nuts.

She told your mother she was gonna win a Tony one day.

But she was right about a lot of other things.

She said that I'd become a lawyer.

She said that I would marry a clown one day.

Laughed a long time about that one. Why?

Anyway, I guess my "bear" is the fear of dying young.

I mean, if that fortune-teller is right, I only have three more years to live.

You know what? The way I see it, this little curse is actually a gift.

A reason to live life to the fullest.

And have no regrets.

Okay, so we're all just accepting this 46-year thing is true.

We've made our peace with it. And so should you.

Why not just live your limited days with leaving nothing unsaid?

Tell the people who matter the most how you feel.

I tell you and Lily I love you every single day.

True. What about Phil?

He did text me with a "Love ya" this morning.

Close enough. And your dad?


I just have a hard time saying that word to him.

Which is fine for the both of us.

Okay, well, it sounds like you might be uncomfortable with that word, too.

No, I don't have a problem with it. I use it all the time.

I'm always saying I love things.

I love the feel of toasty socks out of the microwave.

I love the far-off sound of a train whistle.

Ooh, what adventure have they gotten off to?

I love watching a baby stretch.

Those are all good things in your life, Jay, but what's your bear?

I don't have one. Oh, come on! We all told you ours.

Now, when you get to my age, there are less things that you're afraid of.

Except maybe being a burden to your family.

Which is starting already, because Gloria forced you guys to babysit me.

Which is why I wanted to spend the night here, so I could prove I'm not some frail old man.

Well, if I'm being honest, that hike gets tougher for me every year.

And I was relieved that I didn't have to do it alone.

Oh, Dad, you could never be a burden.

Yeah, you're the one who's always taking care of all of us.

We'd love the chance to return the favor.

All right, it's getting late.

This mountain pimp outfit's making me sweat.

Let's get some rest.

Good night. Good night.

I'll take the sofa.

Sure you're gonna be okay out here? JAY: Yeah, I'll be fine.

Do you want me to grab you an extra blanket or something?

No, no, I'll get something if I need it.

Okay, well...

Good night. (CHUCKLES)

I know.



(DOOR OPENS) All right, Dad, we're ready to go.

Yeah, Jay. I'm sorry you didn't see a bald eagle this time around.

Yeah, it's too bad.

I guess we'll all have to come back here again next year.


I don't know about you guys, but I slept great.

That cot was so soft. I'm not always a sound sleeper.

I've been meaning to try that melatonin.

I hear it's a real game-changer. You can get it anywhere nowadays.

Has it always been over-the-counter?

Kind of a funny phrase, isn't it? Over-the-counter.