Kiss and Tell (2018)
One, two, three. (SCREAMS EX CITEDLY)
Hey, guys, we're here.
Pool's cool, snacks in the kitchen, I've had some rosť, so Fun Mitchell is in the house.
Showing quite a bit of leg. This is very...
World Cup-y. Ah!
JAY: There they are, my adult children still sponging off me after nearly five decades. Love it.
Sorry, thought I'd bend that into a joke but it stayed real.
Hi, kids. Hey, Grandpa.
What's up his can?
I don't know.
Not easy being a white man these days.
You feel me.
So, I got Dad and Gloria's anniversary present.
You guys both owe me 40 bucks.
Wait, it's their anniversary? I...
I thought it was Gloria's birthday.
Oh, it can't be Gloria's birthday. She gets mad even if you mention it.
I once asked when it was, and she left a dismembered Bratz doll in my purse. Ugh!
Huh. Then, why are we here?
You know what? Let me go check what the cake says.
I'll have a glass of cake, too. Okay.
Quick, before she comes back, I need some relationship advice and it's kind of in a gray area ethically.
Oh, but it's okay to ask us because as gays we wouldn't dare judge anyone while living such a deviant lifestyle?
Even the most beautiful version of our love is a mortal stain compared to the worst thing you could do?
Maybe I should talk to somebody else.
No, tell us. Spill, girl, spill.
Okay, so, just between us, you know how I'm with Arvin and he's working in Switzerland.
Well, I did something bad.
I kissed Dylan. (GASPS)
Whoa, whoa! Dylan's still around? I thought he joined a cult or something.
I heard he ate Mentos and a Coke and exploded.
I don't know why I did it. It meant nothing but I feel horrible.
And Arvin keeps calling, but I'm not picking up because, like...
Do I have to tell him?
Uh, honey, these things happen in every relationship.
You absolutely do not need to tell your partner everything.
That's a fun thing to hear your husband say.
Oh, please don't turn this into something.
Well, I was going to say "Yes, you need to tell Arvin
"because you want your relationship based on truth."
Which, apparently, mine is not.
Ugh! This sucks. I don't know what to do.
I was counting on you two to be on the same page.
Well, we usually are. When have you ever seen that?
What are you hens cackling about?
Oh, just asking how they are. (CHUCKLES)
I'm gonna jump in the pool.
Haley doesn't care how people are. What's going on?
It's nothing, she was just asking for some advice.
Why wouldn't she come to me? I thought we were finally becoming friends.
You know, think about it, Claire.
All the secrets that you kept from your mom.
But my mom was an uptight crazy person. (SCOFFS)
Let's just slowly back away as that settles in.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Ready for the best thing to happen to your mouth since...
I'm gonna bail on that, I took off without a place to land.
How about a Mint "Jay-lep"?
I'll pass, seeing as I'm not a 100-year-old Southern lady.
PHILIP: I finally saw the movie Mean Girls.
I know, I'm a middle-aged man. How'd I wait so long?
The point is, I realized I have a mean girl in my life. Jay.
Like last week at this wedding, I'm rocking my moonwalk and Jay yells, "Hey, look, it's Michael Jerk-son."
How do you get a mean girl to stop being a mean girl?
Be mean girl-ier.
No, you're gonna love it. Mint Jay-leps are all the rage.
Oh, you keep saying "Jay-leps."
Yeah, well, I made juleps and... and my name's Jay, so I call them "Jay-leps."
No, I get it.
It's just a fun thing.
Ooh! Are these the Mint Jay-leps we've been hearing about?
Yeah. Oh, "Jay-leps." Adorbs.
They are adorbs. Why do I doubt myself?
Manny, how was the road trip?
Uh, what can I say? Six weeks, 33 states, a lot of fake scrotums on the back of pickup trucks.
And he met a very nice girlfriend and he's in love.
Oh! Let's see a pic.
I wish I could. I went old-school, used a film camera, and the one roll I took of her fell into the Grand Canyon.
You don't have a single photo of her?
Uh, just this blurry one on my phone.
MITCHELL: Oh, let's see. Aw!
MITCHELL: Oh, look at her. Mmm.
You can't really make her out, but it captures her wild spirit.
MITCHELL: Yes. (GLORIA CHUCKLES)
Is it me or is Manny dating Bigfoot? (CHUCKLES)
Let me tell you the difference between Manny's girlfriend and Bigfoot.
Bigfoot could be real.
She's not a fake girlfriend.
You wanna hear the kicker? MITCHELL: Mmm.
She's from Canada.
No. Oh, yikes.
Oh, stop it. Back me up, boys.
You know what, Gloria, Canada is good for a lot of things, but their number-one export is fake girlfriends.
Yeah, it's kind of a thing.
Uh, before Cam and I came out we each had Canadian girlfriends.
So, what are you saying now? That Manny is gay?
We weren't, but he does check a few of the boxes.
Come on, look at him.
He's as straight as the swim from Cartagena to Houston.
The trip was amazing, and I did the cheekiest thing.
I saw Oklahoma! in Oklahoma, Chicago in Chicago, and then, I got into a little trouble in River City.
Okay, that's the gayest thing I've ever heard and I shampooed dogs in West Hollywood.
But he's had so many girlfriends.
The last one was a woman in her twenties.
Yeah, but didn't you say he was so sweet, when she stayed over, he offered to sleep on the couch?
My first boyfriend, at his age, he wasn't ready to sleep with me.
Mmm-hmm. What does he do now?
He runs a very nice bed and breakfast.
His good friend, Steven.
I really feel for Manny if he's wrestling with this secret.
Yet you had no problem keeping an indiscretion from me for 16 years.
And off we go. Yeah.
Just like the shorts of that beefy UPS driver that delivered you two packages that day.
Wow! That is not what happened.
So you admit something happened!
Okay, I'm going to tell you everything because it is so much tamer than what's in your head. Okay.
Six weeks into our relationship, before we decided we were exclusive, I kissed someone in a bar.
See, it's not a big deal. Okay, yes, it is a big deal, which is why I rejected a very similar advance at that same time from a celebrity.
But I'm not going to tell you who that is because I don't want you to feel insecure.
Okay, we both know you're seconds away from...
It was Isaac Mizrahi!
Yeah, that's right.
Cindy Crawford's friend.
There you are.
We haven't had a chance to talk about anything since you got back.
So, tell me about this new Canadian girlfriend.
Well, she's brilliant but humble, beautiful but accessible.
One of the funniest people I've ever met but also deeply serious.
Oh, such lovely general terms.
But she sounds a little bit too good to be true.
What is her name?
It's Sherry Shaker.
Those are the two things that are in front of you at this bar.
Manny, is there anything that you need to tell me?
Maybe some kind of sexual thing?
I really don't wanna talk about this.
Okay, papi, but you know I love you, and that you can be honest with me about anything, right?
In that case, this is a lot.
I'm pretty desensitized to it, but I saw Luke walk into a wall.
What are you guys laughing at?
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.
You said something funny, didn't you?
The guy's a joke machine. Mmm-hmm.
Oh, someone's sitting there. Who?
Someone who doesn't ask a million questions.
Grandpa, you can sit with us.
It was working but it was killing me.
I've actually had dreams where the only thing happening was me sitting with Jay while he tousles my hair, calling me "sport."
Congrats, honey. Always proud to celebrate one of your awards.
I didn't win an award.
Well, then what are we all doing here?
I'm a busy man.
Don't you just golf now?
I work when it's raining.
Why am I defending myself to you?
And why is your father mad at me? Did I do something?
Probably. Isn't that your relationship?
He's always desperate for your approval, and you shoot him down?
It's supposed to be, but all of a sudden he's like all cold, won't let me sit with him.
Ugh! So high school.
Dad and I watched Mean Girls the other night and I chewed off a piece of my hair re-living how awful it was.
Wait. In the movie, the heroine takes down the head mean girl by being mean to her.
Maybe that's what Dad is doing to you?
Son of a bitch.
Phil thinks he can Mean Girls me? How lame is that?
Let me tell you something, I might be a pretty face, but I fight to win, just like Legally Blonde.
Oh, you're not looking at your phone, is everything okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.
You know, if something was on your mind, I'm an excellent person to confide in.
No judgment. God knows I've done some stuff I'm not proud of.
(CHUCKLES) Just like shoplifting.
Wow! Really? Mmm-hmm.
I mean, no judgement here. I do it, too.
What, you do? Yeah, but I'm very ethical about it.
I only take things from companies that use child labor.
That is how my generation is saving the world.
Haley, I did not raise you to steal.
You just said you do it, too.
I made that up so you would tell me what's going on in your life.
Why would I? I stuff a couple Pakistani lipsticks in my purse and you freak out at me!
Well, if it isn't John, Paul and George. Anyone need a Ringo?
Actually, we can get by without a little help from you, friend.
Well, pool's so over anyways.
Maybe, uh, the guys want to hit the H2O, rock some Marco Polo.
Good for you, not letting that chest get in the way of having fun.
Most guys wouldn't go shirtless until they got a little muscle.
We need to talk. Wait, something weird is happening.
I want to see how it plays out.
Who's ready to hit the pool?
(POOL BALLS CLACKING)
Okay, I know emotional slights usually roll off me like water off a mule's back.
Isn't it "duck"?
Uh, a lot of animals bead, Mitchell!
The point is, I need to know details.
I need to know what happened and with whom.
Was it a peck? Was it with Pepper?
Was he drunk? Did you get a peck from a pickled Pepper?
How long you been sitting on that?
You kissed a man six weeks...
You kissed a man six weeks into our relationship, when I'm telling you I love you.
I'm calling my mom telling her I met "the one" while you were sidling up to some cha-cha queen at a urinal.
Okay, this insane reaction is proof that I did the right thing not telling you.
Okay. Everyone knows this kind of secret is poison, Mitchell.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Let's take it to the room.
Uh, hey, you all heard that whole conversation, right?
Of course, yeah. (ALL AGREEING)
So, Phil, if Claire kissed someone very early into the relationship, should she have told you?
Of course. No way.
What? Did you kiss someone?
See? Secrets tearing them apart.
Mitch and Cam, I just want you to know that I support your lifestyle.
And I find it very charming when your people act very emotional and inappropriate in public.
Okay, so, I'm getting no help from this room?
I'm sorry, but kissing someone outside of a relationship is a big deal and you should fess up right away.
You told them? Yes!
Yes, they told us everything and I can't believe you did that.
Well, I'm sorry, but Dylan was a huge part of my life.
You kissed Dylan?
That's your secret? (GASPS)
You tricked me! What are you doing?
You are dating a world-renowned scientist.
I mean, isn't Dylan still married, and still an idiot?
Hey! He is not still married!
And he's getting his life together. He's in nursing school.
Good for him. I love Dylan.
Honey. She's dating Arvin. We love Arvin now.
And wouldn't it be wonderful if someone called Dylan loved someone called Arvin?
No one in this room would have a problem with it.
Am I wrong, or is your mom trying to get Alex to come out of the closet?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, God, it's Arvin calling.
Quick, a show of hands, who thinks I have to tell him?
One, two, three, four. (CELL PHONE RINGING)
Four out of nine? A frickin' tie?
Yay! I'm so happy I finally reached you.
I know. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
How's work? Any major breakthroughs?
Oh, well, I made a German laugh.
I miss you terribly.
I miss you, too.
Listen, um, we have to talk.
I love you, and this is really hard for me to say, but I, um...
I did something stupid.
I kissed my ex-boyfriend. It meant nothing, I swear.
And I'm hoping you'll forgive me and we can forget this ever happened.
Sorry, love, you froze up.
I... I missed the whole thing.
Oh, that sucks, um...
This is really hard for me, but I did something stupid.
I kissed my ex-boyfriend. It meant nothing and...
Sorry. Froze up again. In the funniest position, you looked like you'd smelled something dreadful.
- Have another go. Okay.
Okay, I messed up, and I kiss... - Wait.
- Okay, go. I kissed my ex-boyfriend!
Damn it, stop freezing.
I'm not frozen.
Very hurt actually.
I'm so sorry.
It meant nothing, can...
Can we please move past this?
I don't know, um...
We said that we loved each other, I... I trusted you.
What I want to do is hang up on you right now.
Wait, I... (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
Well, I told him and it couldn't have gone worse.
Oh, no. He broke up with you. I'm sorry.
Not yet, he just hung up on me.
(SIGHS) Come here, honey. I'm... I'm so sorry.
And I know why you didn't come to me.
I haven't always been Dylan's biggest fan...
You pushed him into a beehive.
To be fair, I pushed him off of you, and he fell into the beehive.
But regardless, I want to be supportive. No judgment. I promise.
I can't believe how stupid I was.
I let Dylan get in my head, and now I might have ruined everything with Arvin.
So, what we're learning is that sometimes it's better to keep the secret.
You can't be proud of that.
Look, honey, sometimes these things happen.
They happened with them. But that turned out to be a good thing.
I'm sorry, in what way?
Because after Mitchell kissed that guy in the bar, he called me crying.
He said the second he did it he knew he wanted to spend his life with Cam.
Mitchell, is that true, why didn't you say that?
Because we've been together for 15 years, Cam.
I got defensive. I'm sorry.
Uh, no. I'm sorry.
I freaked out and I made this whole day about myself.
And you're right, I can be self-centered and emotional.
(VOICE BREAKING) I guess it's because of all that time my daddy spent with his pigs...
CLAIRE: Cam, please. It's time.
Mmm, mmm, mmm...
Haley, you're not a bad person.
Maybe this kiss taught you something you needed to know, just like it did with Uncle Mitch.
If that's the case, you need to fight for the man you love and shut it down with the one you don't.
(SIGHS) You're right. CLAIRE: Mmm-hmm.
I have to go see Dylan.
Be strong. Don't let him manipulate you.
He can be a very... She's good.
Ah! So happy that you came out.
What is going on with you? And where'd you get that raft?
It was in a gift bag from a very moving Pride benefit that I went to with Mitch and Cam.
If you want to know if I'm gay, just ask me.
No, I don't want to be pushy.
I like women, Mom. Why on Earth would you think I'm gay?
In fairness, you do check a lot of the boxes.
I only thought it because Jay said that the Canadian girlfriends are fake and that Mitch and Cam had them.
You think my girlfriend is fake?
Well, you didn't have any pictures, and at the bar you said that her name was something like Olive Cocktail-napkin.
It's Sherry Shaker!
I am sorry, but when I asked you if you were hiding something from me, you got all defensive and you boob-shamed me.
Because something did happen.
Sherry and I, we joined our...
We crossed that beauteous threshold into the physical expression of love.
Have you ever heard a straight guy describe sex that way?
That's what he meant?
Why does that feel worse to me?
Hey, Alex. You're the last virgin.
(SCOFFS) Please, I'm dating a fireman, I'm having hotter sex than...
Hey, Dad. What are you doing?
I realized he was Mean Girls- ing me back with a weird nod to Legally Blonde, which I bet he thinks I didn't notice.
I had to change tactics.
I had to stop acting like a mean girl and do the last thing Jay would ever expect me to do, act like a man.
What the hell are you doing? Oh, yeah, well, everybody's hungry.
And the prevailing opinion is that I'm a better griller than you.
(GASPS) No. Wow.
You must think you're pretty tough.
Not as tough as your meat.
Claire! Yes, good. Everybody get out here!
What? What's going on? It's Phil.
Phil is grilling.
This bozo just told me that you think I overcook your meat.
Is that true?
Dad, we love you, but you don't know what medium rare is.
I've given you a meat thermometer for three Father's Days in a row.
For the love of God, just use one!
Fine! See if I care.
But I don't know what you have against me today.
Kicking a man off his own grill, making fun of my Mint Jay-leps?
You made fun of his Mint Jay-leps?
He did them for you.
What? I don't know what she's talking about.
The minute Jay created the Jay-leps all he could keep saying was
"Phil's going to get such a kick out of this."
But he didn't. He said it was dumb.
He said it was an old lady's drink.
Since when do you care what I think?
He thinks that you're the life of the party.
He wants to be more like you.
All I've said is that sometimes I envy people who don't mind being an ass because they're having fun.
And I guess, you're one of those people.
Wow. So, all this time you've been mean to me because you admire me so much?
Uh... Hey, look at me.
I loved those Mint Jay-leps.
You did? Yeah.
See that, Gloria, he did.
I only trashed them because of what you called me when I was dancing at the wedding.
What? Flail Dunphy? Shrill Dummy?
When you dropped your drink? Spill Bumbly?
Michael Jerk-son. Oh!
Yeah. I forgot about that one. I'm sorry. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, don't worry about it.
What are we doing? Did you just call me "sport"?
Haley. I had a feeling it was going to be you.
You buzzed me in the gate. Do you have a minute?
Sure, my roommates and I are just studying for physiology midterms.
Oh, she's cute. Thanks, girl. That hair is on point.
I bought it yesterday. Oh.
Can we talk out here?
Listen, I need you to know that that kiss never should have happened.
Arvin and I are together, and you and I are friends, and that's all we're ever going to be.
No, thank you.
"No, thank you"? I didn't ask you a question.
Well, let me ask you one.
It's been 10 years and I can't move on from you.
Also not a question. (CHUCKLES)
Remember the day we met?
I was walking through the halls and I saw the most beautiful girl and I was like, "Whoa, who is that?"
And you were like, "That's Rebecca Salkin."
And then I turned and saw you for the first time and I was done with Rebecca Salkin.
Yeah, you were wearing that cool beat-up army jacket.
And I was completely jealous of your eyelashes.
I fell in love with you that day and I've never stopped.
I'm going to keep making myself better until I deserve you.
HALEY: Why is it so hard to be honest in relationships?
We play games, we keep secrets...
I don't remember crying to you about that kiss.
The truth wasn't moving the needle. You're welcome.
HALEY: When all we want to do is connect.
Everyone, listen up!
Hi I'm Sherry, I'm Manny's real Canadian girlfriend.
This isn't the first time I've had to do this.
CLAIRE: Hi. Hey.
I guess we have to start with being honest with ourselves...
And if I'm being honest,
I love two people. (CHUCKLES)
Can we go? Are we waiting for cake?
Is it a birthday?
Should I make a toast?
To who... All right!
It's come to my attention through a series of assumptions, old e-mails and lazy, sheep-like thinking, that we may have gathered for no reason.
Oh... So, it's not my welcome home party?
Of course, it... Nope.
Your mother thought Alex won an award, she didn't.
And the dry spell continues.
(SCOFFS) Please. The last thing I'm having is a dry spell.
People, listen up. There are too many actual reasons for us to see each other, we cannot afford to hang out by mistake!
I love you all, now go home.
Okay, great. Come on, let's go.