Can't Elope (2019)
(EXHALES DEEPLY AND GROANS)
How can my babies be early? I've never been early to anything.
Maybe they're not mine.
I've always been faithful to you.
Push, damn it.
I'm not losing another baby today! (HALEY CONTINUES GROANING)
Cardiac arrest. Crash cart! NURSE: BP's dropping.
The shock could kill the baby!
That's something I'll just have to live with.
NURSE: (ON TV) Charging. Maybe we could we turn off the TV?
DOCTOR: (ON TV) Clear!
Well, folks, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Oh, my God, no. No, not that bad.
I'm sorry, I did not think that through. No, you're not giving birth today.
You've had false contractions known as Braxton-Hicks. It's very common.
So, what does that mean timing-wise?
Oh, it's no indication.
It could be five weeks from now, it could be five hours from now.
I suggest you and your husband go home, get some sleep while you still can.
Oh, we're not married. We're just lovers.
She hates that word.
Grosses me out, too.
And I spend a lot of my time covered in afterbirth.
Um, that was weird.
Those little people with the full-size baby?
No. When the doctor called you my husband.
Well, people are going to assume...
No, it was weird because I liked it.
Seriously? Because, I've proposed, like, six times.
I know. It just seemed so old-fashioned at the time, but when I thought that the babies were coming, I...
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
I'm gonna need a little help here.
Okay, we're good. (SIGHS)
Dylan Stardust Marshall, will you... Oh! Going over, okay. Okay, I'm fine, I'm fine. It's okay.
(SIGHS) Will you marry me?
Oh, my God! This is exactly how I imagined it.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
I can't get in.
Damn it, Cam! We need those tickets.
Come on, refresh! I am.
Refresh like your life depends on it! I am.
Tonight is the LA premiere of Sophie's Choice: The Musical.
And (SIGHS) it sold out in seconds, but the theater reserved a few amazing house seats for an online lottery.
And there's a rumor Meryl Streep is going to be in the audience.
You have to feel for that poor actress playing Sophie.
It'd be like me sewing costumes in front of Bob Mackie.
And the award for the gayest thing ever said goes to...
I'm in! You are?
We have seats! (EX CLAIMS) Oh, my God!
Okay, it's all right.
Okay, it's one of those ticky clock things.
It's fine, we just need my credit card. Where's my wallet?
Where's my wallet? (YELLS) Where's my wallet?
Seriously, again? Cam, you have to leave it in one place.
I've told you 1,000 times. Really? Now?
Okay, just use your credit card.
That's weird. Okay. I'm gonna be sick!
I'm gonna be sick!
Here, use mine.
Oh, thank you, sweetie. Okay.
Okay, is this is a sign?
Yes, we're meant to see this show!
No, it's one of those CAPTCHA things. Is that a road sign?
Yes! Oh, no.
(COMPUTER CHIMES) (BOTH EX CLAIMING)
Oh, my God!
Oh, thank you, sweetie! You saved us!
It's fine. I needed the miles. Thank you.
Where's she off to? I'm sure it's fine.
How about this one?
You look gorgeous. Now, remember...
Okay. This is not my first time impressing your business associates.
I know the drill.
Laugh at their jokes, touch their arms...
And if he pees on the floor, don't make a big deal out of it.
What is happening?
I quit the closet game to become the king of high-end, whimsical dog beds.
And to market them today, I'm hosting social media influencer, Arthur Goodboy.
This little stud has over five million followers on the Instagram.
One photo of him with a product can be a game-changer.
You made me change three times for a dog?
He cannot even see this color.
They can sense the effort.
Welcome, welcome. I'm Jay Pritchett. Hello.
This is my wife, Gloria.
Hello. Orson Funt.
I'm sure everyone knows Arthur Goodboy. Who doesn't?
And I must admit, I'm a little starstruck.
Don't be. He puts on his sweaters one leg at a time.
This is Stella of Dog Beds by Stella, but I do most of the design.
Well, she is beautiful for a non-pro. May I?
Here you go. Yes.
May I? Thank you. Yes.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Who's a lovely lady?
Who's a lovely lady?
Who's an elegant boy?
Who's an influencer? You are! You are.
Who's an influencer? You are!
Here. You want to see the dog beds?
Yes. Follow me.
He's a good father.
He's a good father...
Sir, a dog in a pineapple? (LAUGHING)
I call that one Puppy Colada.
Stop! Yes. Stop.
(LAUGHS) So, what do you say? Are we in business?
Oh. (LAUGHS) Down, boy.
I like to make sure that Arthur Goodboy really loves the product before we do any endorsements.
If we said yes to everything, then we're no better than that whore, Grumpy Cat.
Okay, Mr. Arthur Goodboy.
Why don't you just trot yourself right in there and take a load off?
You know, he just woke from a nap, so he will probably tucker out in a couple of hours.
It's cool, 'cause I have nowhere I need to be.
You don't say! Oh, it's spacious.
Haley? Over here.
Mom's not with you, right? No.
What's going on?
What could you have possibly done that's worse than getting pregnant?
Well, Dylan and I are eloping, and we want you to be the witness.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! Yes!
Oh, I can't even tell you how special this makes me feel.
I will not tell anyone. Wait...
Why eloping, why not a wedding?
We just want it to be simple and quick. And no drama.
Guess that eliminates Mom. Yeah.
(LAUGHS) CLAIRE: What eliminates Mom?
(STUTTERS) You know, it's so funny when people do such funny...
You know, the story is so short, but it would be so long...
Enough, enough. I cannot watch this.
I felt like she was building to something.
Dylan and I are going to the courthouse to get married.
It's nothing personal, you know, it's just...
Right now, the last thing we want is it to turn into a big production.
(VOICE BREAKING) Well, honey, if that's what you want.
As your mother, obviously, it's incredibly painful, but that's none of your concern.
I just hope you have a wedding that's every bit as wonderful and beautiful as I always imagined.
You know, when I was gonna be part of it.
I knew she'd be cool. Let's roll.
Mom seemed pretty bummed about it, but, you know, this is what we want.
Damn it. (SIGHS)
How could you do this to your mother?
Ugh, what's taking them so long?
I know. It's like this wedding isn't about them.
It's about you and Dylan and me. (CELL PHONE RINGING)
PHILIP: Coming! So sorry! (LAUGHS)
CLAIRE: And don't worry, Haley, I promise you will hardly know we are there at all.
What? You're dressed nicer than me.
Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but are you sure that's the outfit you want for your special day?
It's Haley's wedding, she can dress as bad as she wants.
Right. Who died?
Haley and Dylan are getting married. Dressed like that?
Ugh. Now we have to invite Luke?
Not if you don't want to.
This feels great.
Okay, that is it. Luke, but no one else.
Hey, so my mom found out your parents are coming, 'cause I told her, and now she's on her way.
And Grandpa's coming. You guys are gonna love him.
Oh, but if he asks you to kill him, don't. Ugh.
I know what you're thinking, that is a lot of people for a small, impersonal room at the courthouse, and we are on the same page.
So, why don't we just do it here?
I'm ordained. I can perform the ceremony.
That is such a great idea!
That way it's easy and intimate. I mean, that's what you wanted, right?
So, go down to the courthouse, get your marriage license, come back here, and we'll all be waiting.
Fine. But let's go now.
I'm starving, and they make a great soft pretzel at the courthouse snack shop.
How do you know that?
I can still elope.
Don't you ruin this for me. It's fine, it's fine.
Wait, if Dylan's bringing his grandfather, that means we have to invite Dad and Gloria, right?
I think so, yeah, but he probably won't show.
Jay hates last-minute plans. He'll be like, "Oh, jeez, why don't they just elope?" Hmm.
Who's a goody-woody boy? Who's a sleepy boy?
I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Jay's toxic masculinity.
At least he's not your real father. (PHONE RINGING)
I'll get it! JOE: I'll get it!
Hello. CLAIRE: Hey, Gloria.
Haley and Dylan decided to get married this afternoon.
And I know Dad's got that dog bed thing, so absolutely no pressure...
Yes. We will be there as soon as we can!
Jay, I am so sorry to break up this really fun and super normal party, but Dylan and Haley decided to get married right now, and Claire wants us there.
Oh, jeez, why don't they just elope?
Actually, Arthur Goodboy loves weddings, and his followers have been dying to see him in his new tux.
I can bring a bed in case he gets tired.
(DOG BARKS) Ooh!
Ooh, look, somebody's got a crush.
Would Ms. Stella do us the honor of escorting Arthur Goodboy to the wedding?
Gosh, yes, 1,000 times yes!
Well, you're not gonna believe this, they're coming.
Well, if they're coming, does that mean we need to invite Mitch and Cam?
Ooh. Imagine the drama if we didn't.
(SINGING) Who should I choose Either way I lose I stare at the gun Is it daughter, is it son
- Choices - And choices
- Impossible choices! - Impossible choices!
This is why I can't have friends over. Okay.
Somebody just snarked her way out of a Sophie's Choice hoodie.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey, Claire. What's up?
So, Haley and Dylan decided to get married, and they'd be devastated if you weren't there.
Of course. We wouldn't miss it for the world.
Just tell us when.
In about an hour.
Oh, my... Um... No, no, no.
Hey. Uh, let me call you right back, okay?
Are you kidding me? I know, what do we do?
A musical or the wedding?
It's the cruelest decision anyone's ever been forced to make.
Hello. We are here!
Knock, knock. CLAIRE: Hi.
Hi. Wow! What is all this?
Hey, Claire, this is Orson, and, of course, Arthur Goodboy.
Thanks for having us. We love love.
Mmm-hmm. Dad, can you come over here a second?
Um, hey, Stella.
So, listen, I don't think Haley wants to come back to a house full of strangers and dogs.
Claire, I've gotta have this.
And she's never gonna know they're even here.
(DOORBELL RINGING) (DOGS BARKING)
Okay, that's bad timing.
Okay. Let's go, let's go, let's go! Let's go. Let's get it going.
What's your hurry? I thought you...
Guys love weddings.
You were gonna say "you people," weren't you?
Prove it. We have theater tickets, and if we get this wedding started, we can still make curtain for Sophie's Choice.
(GASPS) I would murder my entire family and all of their friends to see that musical.
This guy gets it.
Look who's here!
Don't worry, I'm wearing pants.
As far as you know.
Oh, well, hello, Frank. And thank you for sort of making it. Really?
Well, you invited your dad. What was I supposed to do?
I don't know.
(DOORBELL RINGS) FRANK: Hey, is that Arthur Goodboy?
Big fan! Been waiting to see him in his tux.
It is so delightful to see...
Mmm. Okay. (CHUCKLES)
Can you believe our babies are getting married?
I can. I saw it in a vision at a campfire in Peru.
This is my father, Bert.
Oh, it's such an honor to... Vodka.
Oh... (DOG GROWLING)
What a lovely dress.
It's actually a shamanic wedding robe from South America.
I wear it at every ceremony I officiate.
Oh, this is awkward. Um...
I'm doing the ceremony.
But this is something I've dreamed about all of my lives.
Mom, what the hell is going on?
Oh, honey, honey, it's not as bad as it looks.
See, it's still small and simple...
(BAGPIPES PLAYING) Not helping.
What? We were gonna play her down the aisle.
Yeah. Bad luck to get married without bagpipes.
My mom's first wedding, no bagpipes.
My mom's second wedding, bagpipes.
Six months later, she's still married. I mean, that's just science.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Now what?
Oh, we needed food.
This is a disaster.
I know, but we can't pick our childhood homes.
Don't worry, I can fix everything.
Just take your time changing your clothes.
This is what I'm wearing.
(CHUCKLES) You're hilarious.
Let me see the happy couple.
MANNY: Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through.
Sorry. Honey, I know you're a little annoyed.
Oh, I'm so sorry I gave you that impression.
I'm a lot annoyed.
But it's better.
This way, you'll be surrounded by people who love you.
LUKE: That's her.
Congratulations! I am so happy for you! Luke?
Uh, this is Annabelle. We just met on Tinder.
But we haven't done anything yet.
Guess what, babies? You're gonna taste some wine today.
Hey, hey, hey. So, if we're going to get this thing started, maybe you should go up and change, huh?
For the last time, this is what... Screw it, I'm changing.
No! No, don't change!
Lf that's what you're wearing... Sorry.
Damn it. What... Sorry.
Do me a favor. Put some salami in my TV.
Whatever that is a code for, the answer is no.
Okay, fine, I'll do it myself.
Keep Orson occupied for about a minute.
Arthur Goodboy, come.
Arthur Goodboy, come.
Mr. Orson, um, I need to know, is your whole life your dog?
Oh, no. I also dabble in stand-up comedy.
In fact, I used to try out all of my material on Arthur Goodboy until I got in trouble with PETA for animal testing.
Speaking of, where's Arthur? I'm sure he's fine.
He's in the family room wolfing down some cold cuts.
No, no, no. He can't digest that.
That tuxedo is rented.
ORSON: (GASPS) Stop! Stop what? No.
He's enjoying the bed. He loves it in there.
The robot told me everything.
Oh, I'm sorry. But I thought... Stop.
I will stay for the wedding so as not to ruin Halsey and Derek's special day, but this partnership is off.
What am I doing? Making a fool of yourself.
What you have done the whole day.
Yeah, I'm acting like an idiot.
I mean, this was a stupid idea, trying to launch a whole new business at my age.
I thought it would be fun, but I should have known I need to hang it up.
I need a second.
GLORIA: Dog beds are ridiculous and sad, but they're important to Jay.
So, I guess that loving someone means that you have to respect their idiotic, nauseating dreams.
I dig those wheels.
Why is this vacuum cleaner talking to me?
Okay, we are definitely cutting it close, but I think we're gonna make it.
You know, it's just that traditionally, the father of the bride calls the shots at these things.
Oh, my Goddess, Phil. By all means, let's return to traditional weddings.
Perhaps you'd like to discuss the matter of Haley's dowry.
Are you prepared to offer livestock or land?
Farrah, I would defer to you if this were happening in your yurt.
Fine. We'll settle this over a game of acorns.
Put out your hands.
Sorry, Phil. Best of three.
What am I doing? Okay. Both of you, stop.
You could both officiate. All right?
Yeah. But won't that take twice as long?
Whoever's officiating, if you can carve out some time for a poem I've written.
It's sort of a Beowulf meets You've Got Mail.
Oh, God, no. No poems, no one wants that.
Come on, let's move this thing along. Get it going.
You need to give your Sophie's Choice tickets to the dog weirdo.
My dad wants to see a musical?
No. The other dog weirdo.
Didn't you see how excited he got when he heard about it?
Yeah, well, that's not happening. No, thank you.
Think about all the sacrifices that your father has made for you.
Ugh, I just don't care.
You're not gonna make it, anyways.
Yes, we are. 'Cause the wedding is about to start.
Here they come. Is it?
Um, before we start this beautiful ceremony, why don't we go around the room and talk about what this wedding means to us.
I don't think anybody wants to be put on the spot.
Let's just get on with the wedding.
To me, a marriage is not just the joining of two hearts, it's the melding of families. And can I just say, this...
No. Sit down! No. Sit down!
(BAGPIPES PLAYING) Go, go, go.
Go on, go on.
Are those packing peanuts?
I had 10 minutes and no budget.
This is happening. Yep.
(DOG BARKING) What's his dog doing to Stella?
No humping. Don't shame him!
That's her fault. She's wagging her hips in his face.
That's her dysplasia! And it's 2019, what he did is not okay.
Uh-oh! Am I moving? Something's stuck!
(ALL EX CLAIM)
Phil, I'm sorry. This...
This is why I didn't want anyone here!
This is why I wanted to elope!
Haley, I know you're upset, but this is your family.
Who are you? Okay, enough!
Enough. Dylan, Haley, in the kitchen now.
FRANK: Nice shoes.
I am, uh, so sorry, folks. This is gonna take a little while.
Maybe Alex and Bill can play something.
We're not going to make it, are we? Okay.
No. It doesn't look like it. We're not gonna make it.
Hi. My dad wanted you to have these tickets.
Great Danes! Thank you!
Not so fast. You still have something to do.
Listen. Listen to me.
I don't want to hear it, Mom.
Yeah. We're really sorry that this all got away from us.
But all we care about is that you're happy.
And you should have the wedding you want.
Your mom's right.
We eloped, and I still think of it as one of the best days of my life.
Still seems like the last day we were alone.
Oh, honey. The four of you better get going, huh?
Oh, my babies.
I love you guys. Love you guys.
(SIGHS) You okay?
Not really. No.
I hate that we're not gonna be there.
I always assumed we would be at her wedding.
Is that selfish? No.
It's only fair.
She was at ours. She was.
Look at this. He posted one minute ago, it's already got 5,000 likes.
Thank you. I love you!
And the only thing less sexy than a dog bed is a quitter, and I didn't marry a quitter.
I married an angel. Yes, you did.
Can I have everyone's attention?
Um, I just want to say that most of you are very important to us...
But the wedding's off. And thanks for coming.
What? You got to be kidding me!
This is an outrage. I will never forgive you.
Perhaps the two of you would like to sing a song?
(SINGING) Choices and choices
- Impossible choices - Choices, choices
- Why are there so many voices - Voices Choices and voices...
Oh, honey. Hey.
Hey, how did it go?
Uh, we didn't go through with it. What?
We were at this 24-hour chapel, and they called our names, but something about it just didn't feel right.
Sweetheart, it's okay.
You'll know when it's the right time. Mmm-hmm.
That's why I'm here.
I thought about what you said, about how I should have the wedding that I want. CLAIRE: Mmm-hmm.
Well, the wedding that I want has you guys there.
And like the nuptial antler, your bond will never be broken.
Take us home, Phil.
And so, by the powers vested in me by NoPainOrdain. Com, I pronounce you, Dylan, and you, Haley, husband
(VOICE BREAKS) and wife.
Hey. Kiss her already!
Oh, my God.
You wanted to talk to me? Yeah, um...
It's been bothering me the last few days that since they were going to elope, Dylan never came to me and asked for Haley's hand in marriage.
Well, then it occurred to me that since Claire and I eloped, I never officially asked you for her hand in marriage, so...
So, ask me.
Jay, I love your daughter very much, and I would like your... Nope.
That's very funny. Um...
But seriously, I would very much like your blessing...
Sorry, I've got several concerns, I'm not on board.
You realize this is just a formality, we've been married for almost 25 years.
And the entire time without my blessing.
Okay. How many dog beds is this gonna cost me?
Five. Four. Three.