Modern Family S10E22 Script

A Year of Birthdays (2019)

(INDISTINCT TALKING, GLASS CLINKING) CLAIRE: Speech! Speech.

Okay, okay, okay. Settle down. Um...

It's hard to believe I'm 50. Uh, as of today, I'm middle-aged.

What's he been the last ten years?

Delusional. He thinks he's a millennial like us.

I've thought a lot about what's next.

Fifty-one. Thank you, buddy.

And it's important that I continue to grow, and that I stay mentally challenged.

Which is why I am starting piano lessons.

So that by next year's birthday, I'll be good enough to perform in public.

Oh, great, another thing to go to.

Also, I'm gonna learn how to speak Spanish.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

I haven't started yet. Um, and finally...

And I know it's a little bit of a mid-life crisis clich, (CHUCKLES) but I'm gonna learn how to ride a unicycle!

Phil, you forgot to open one of your gifts.

PHILIP: Ooh. This one, Jay picked it out for you himself.

He did?

Hey, Dad, (PAPER RIPPING)

So what's going on with that hat?

Gloria thinks I look grumpy in the photos that we take when we go to these things.

So, I'm searching for the right hat that makes me look like I'm having fun.

Or you could just smile more.

Meh. Wow!

The Sommelier's Guide to the Wines of France.

I love it so much. CLAIRE: Ooh! Nice.

Oh, my goodness, it's inscribed. (GASPS)

"May you continue to age as gracefully as a fine Bordeaux."

CLAIRE: Dad... "Happy birthday, Jay. Love, Cam."

Cam. Yeah. Jay, you re-gifted my gift?

Dad. I didn't know he wrote in it.

Because you didn't open it. So, now I feel like a jerk.

How could you be a jerk? You're wearing that hat.

(IN SPANISH) Why are you so thoughtless to this desperate man-child who craves your love?

A year from now, I'm gonna know what that means.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I got Gloria the greatest Valentine's Day gift.

A box set of DVDs of all the Dean Martin roasts.

(IN ENGLISH) I was so moved by the romantic gesture, that for Jay's birthday I invited a bunch of people over to insult him.

(LAUGHTER)

So, my ex-wife and I, we were on vacation with Jay and Gloria.

They were walking down the beach and my ex-wife says, "Whoa! Look at all that skin."

And I said, "Baby, come on, "what's wrong with that? She's a beautiful woman in a bikini."

She said, "Oh, I'm talking about Jay's scalp."

(LAUGHTER)

Jay is so not Latin that every time that he dances, people point him to the bathroom. (LAUGHTER)

He has no rhythm, that's what I mean.

Yes. But seriously.

I love the whites.

No, but seriously, Jay is quite the environmentalist.

Just this last year, he recycled a gift of mine.

A wonderful book about wine.

(LAUGHS AND WHIMPERS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I don't wanna say my father is old, but he remembers panicking at Y1K.

(LAUGHTER)

My dad is old.

ALL: (IN UNISON) How old is he?

He is so old that when he started using it, it was called Preparation G.

(LAUGHTER)

Enough! This is terrible!

I don't know why any of you people think this is funny!

You may think these are jokes, but it's way too real.

We need to respect Grandpa instead of cutting him down.

None of us really knows how much time he has left.

Do you really want these to be the last words he hears?

Well, now I feel like hell.

And that's how you roast! Bam!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I don't understand why adults make such a big deal about their birthdays.

So this year, I asked for nothing.

No party. No fuss.

Just a quiet night by myself.

With my thoughts. All alone.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(WHISPERING) Okay. Just as I had hoped. Mitchell is miserable.

He said he didn't want a party, but it's like when you write "no gifts" on an invitation, but you secretly want everyone to bring something big and expensive, Jotham?

(WHISPERS) I made a heartfelt toast at your party.

Yes, and those 12 words were just as generous as the actual physical gifts everyone else brought.

Okay, I'm gonna go in.

When you hear me say, "Mitchell, you're not alone."

That's when you come in and you yell, "Surprise!"

We know what to say.

Mmm. Do you? (CHUCKLES)

Hey. How are you doing, okay? Yeah.

Now do you see what it's like to spend your birthday alone?

(SIGHS) I do. And it's...

Yeah... Amazing!

What? Yeah. Cam, thank you.

Thank you. For once, you heard me and gave me exactly what I wanted, instead of what you thought I should want.

Honey, this is the best birthday present ever.

It is? Yes!

Oh, and you've gotta be relieved, too.

I mean, every time we hang out with our friends, they leave, and you spend the rest of the night complaining about how every single one of them annoys you.

I don't know what you're talking about!

Oh, please. "Jotham's cheap. LaMichael has bad breath."

That doesn't sound like me.

"Antonio's weave is falling apart. Vincent's a sloppy drunk."

Oh, oh. "Jeffrey won't stop telling his one Bernadette Peters story."

You're the sloppy drunk!

Surprise!

(BOTTLE THUDS)

Here's the thing I realized.

You can't get older if you never have birthdays.

(ALL SINGING) Happy...

(SIZZLING)

What'd I tell you? I thought this would be the year.

I told my family I just wanted my birthday to be me and Dylan this year because, at the time, I was still keeping my pregnancy a secret.

And I knew they'd get all suspicious about why I wasn't drinking.

What was I going to say? "I can't drink because I have work in the morning?"

(LAUGHS) There's no way they'd believe that.

Here. I got you a present.

Ooh! Thank you.

(GASPS)

Get out!

Gucci baby sneakers! (CHUCKLES)

They're adorable.

(CRYING) Our baby's gonna be so hot.

Personally, I think it's weird that there are shoes for someone who can't walk.

But you know what, Haley? I love that we're pregnant...

Hello. Hi.

What are you guys doing here?

What? At the restaurant? We got a Groupon, but we...

D YLAN: Us, too. Yeah, we just saw that you were over here. Wanted to say happy birthday.

Happy birthday. Didn't mean to overhear.

You didn't overhear anything. We were talking about a TV show.

Well, then, what's up with these little baby shoes then?

These are not baby shoes. No. They're, um...

We are starting a business for people who cannot afford full size designer-wear.

Oh, well, as much as that does sound like you, I...

Okay. (SIGHS)

I'm pregnant. (GASPING) Oh, my God.

(WHISPERS) That's exciting.

Is it? We think so, but...

We have not told my parents yet, so please don't say anything.

Oh, honey, I could keep your secret forever, but just so you know, he can't.

Yeah, I'm weak.

Yeah, you got maybe three, four days tops.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) What? Yeah.

Oh. Okay. Well, these were from us, but...

Yeah, she can't have it. She's pregnant.

Okay, there you go. See?

Now, you listen to me.

My roller-coastering hormones cannot handle another lecture from my mother right now.

So, you are going to tell me a secret that I will reveal to everyone if you ever spill mine.

You know, I don't have any secrets. Mmm.

(WHISPERS) When he dresses as Fizbo, he puts the makeup everywhere.

(MOUTHING) Mitchell! Mmm. You're the best!

(GIGGLES) Mmm-hmm.

Because of the whole 21 thing, people don't think turning 20 is a big deal.

But it's all I've been thinking about for the last three years.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) (NEEDLE BUZZING)

Hey.

Three years ago, I came in here and when I saw you, I fell in love.

The kind of love that punches you in the gut and makes you want to be a better man, but when I asked you out, you said, "Sorry, kid, you're cute, "but I don't date teenagers."

Well, check it out.

Oh, happy birthday. But now I don't date men.

Oh.

Well, looks like I got a decision to make.

On my birthday this year, I really got a sense of what people think of me.

Which is so great.

This is from me and the boys. Gloria has got you her own gift.

Wow, this is wrapped so nicely.

I did that. It's a lost art in this modern age where people simply click and ship gifts over the Internet.

Papi, just be normal.

Let's see, it is a... Some kind of silk pillow?

Well, it's more than that. See, there's a switch on the side and when you lay on it, it plays ocean sounds for you.

You know, it helps you relax.

Huh. At least it's not a re-gift.

How do you live with this?

(INHALES DEEPLY) Tell you what. How about we do one more gift and then we take a break for cake and do the rest after? Hmm?

Here, Mrs. Dunphy, this is from me and Haley.

Mmm. Thank you, Dylan.

Although, I have to say, you have given me enough gifts this year already.

Again, I'm very sorry about impregnating your daughter.

Yeah.

(CLAIRE CLEARS THROAT)

What is this?

It's an aromatherapy machine.

See, you put in oils that are supposed to help you with the stress of the day.

Oh! All right. Well, let's see.

So far, I have gotten a spa day, three massages, a meditation class, an ocean pillow, a rage bat and a little machine that's supposed to trick my nose into calming me down.

Why does everyone think I'm so tense?

You bit through your night guard.

You're squeezing me too hard.

And last week, you made the pharmacist cry.

That's because he wouldn't sell me any more Sudafed.

The entire family was sick, I was not cooking meth.

You know what? I don't even want cake.

I really don't appreciate being criticized like this, especially on my birthday.

(MOTOR BUZZING)

Um, that's my gift. Open later.

Manny and I share a birthday, so I always do something big to get attention.

Look! No hands!

Way to go, kid!

Bravo, Papi!

Hey, guys! Check it out. Unicycling to my piano lesson.

Wow! We're so proud of you!

Now, that's impressive.

Happy birthday, Joe!

It was!

It goes without saying I'm the best performer in the family.

This year, for my birthday, I decided to have a talent show, so they all start saying it.

Wait. It's a talent show? I didn't know that.

It says so in the invitation.

CAM: Mitchell. I only skimmed it.

This is a disaster, we didn't prepare anything!

BOTH: (SINGING) Nothing could be finer Than to be in Carolina in the morning No one could be sweeter...

I can't believe they had matching vests in the car.

Uncle Grumpy, why are you so angry?

(IN DEEP VOICE) Because the President wants to build a wall!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, yeah, that is very sad.

(IN DEEP VOICE) Sad for me because I have no money and I am ugly.

For you, he will let you in because you have money and you have the boobs!

(LAUGHTER)

I never thought Uncle Grumpy would go political.

Mmm. Yeah.

(PLAYING FUR ELISE)

(PLAYS OFF-TUNE)

(YELLING) I knew I wasn't ready!

BOTH: (SINGING) Butterflies all flutter up And kiss each little buttercup Stella, walk in a circle. Stella, sit. Bang!

Ah! Close, Dad.

No, I taught her to go for the gun.

(PLAYING FOLK MUSIC)

The banjo scares me ever since I saw that creepy film.

Wait, what was it called again? - Deliverance?

No. The Muppet Movie. (SHUDDERS)

He was a three-toed tree toad, but a two-toed toad was she.

The three-toed tree toad tried to win the two-toad she-toad's heart, for the three-toed tree toad loved the ground that the two-toed tree toad trod.

"Tree toad trod" and sent.

(CELLPHONES CHIMING)

(ALL GASP)

Stop it!

Fastest thumbs in the West.

(BLOWS, LAUGHS)

BOTH: (SINGING) If I had Aladdin's lamp for only a day I would make a wish And here's what I'd say Nothing could be finer Than to be in Carolina in the morning As you all know, Sherry and I met and fell for each other over our love of improv.

So, we're at a romantic restaurant.

Okay.

(CHAIR THUDS) (MANNY SIGHS)

That dinner was delicious.

I can't believe you chose this place. The chef is my ex-boyfriend.

(GASPS) The crazy one?

Yes. He's very jealous and I'm scared he did something to your food.

Oh, yeah, I am feeling a little funny.

I wish this were a little funny.

Whew! Okay, oh, boy. Whew! Is this room spinning?

No.

I was afraid of that.

Well, then I'd better do this before it's too late.

And this part is real.

Sherry Shaker, I used to be a one-man show and then you entered from stage left and I fell in love.

I want you to be my scene partner forever.

Darling, let's force our friends to sit through the rest of our lives together.

(GASPING)

Will you marry me?

(SOFTLY) Oh, my God.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

SHERRY: Manny.

No!

Why would you do this?

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING RAPIDLY)

You gotta be feeling better about that piano. (CHUCKLES)

(DOOR CLOSES)

I'd rather not talk about my birthday this year.

ALL: (SINGING) Happy birthday, dear Lily Happy birthday to you I still can't believe Sherry said no and broke up with me!

(WHISPERS) What does he expect? He's 20 years old, he proposed in front of his family at a pretend restaurant.

Whatever happened to "Yes, and..."

GLORIA: (WHISPERING) Jay, I've tried everything.

Please, say something to him that would make him feel better.

Fine.

Kid, let it go. It was four days ago.

All right, let's make a wish!

I wish I were dead. (BLOWS)

All right. There we go.

Haley and I have had this plan for years that when I turn 21, we'd hit the bars together.

But since she's pregnant, I was drinking for two.

Technically four.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

Let me tell you something.

Haley Dunphy, do you know how much I admire you?

(LAUGHS) Do you? So much!

While I was working my butt off, you were out there having fun.

Not worrying about anything.

Not school, not work.

(LAUGHING) Not condoms.

Look at you, all pregnant. (CHUCKLES)

Maybe I should have Bill come get me pregnant.

Then we could be pregnant together! That would be fun!

Where's my phone?

I'm gonna text him to come get me pregnant.

You know what? It's 2000-something. I'm gonna get him pregnant!

I miss drinking.

Unlike some people, I love my birthday.

It's the one day a year that can be all about me.

(SCOFFS AND CHUCKLES)

I did. I did and it was just... (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Oh, yeah, so, um, I thought it would be fun if we all went around the room and say what we love about Cam.

Oh! Well, that's out of nowhere. Yeah.

But if you insist. Mmm-hmm.

Haley, why don't you go first?

Oh, me? Okay.

Well, um, I love Uncle Cam because he is fun and dresses with flair.

Oh, my gosh. (HALEY CHUCKLES)

And, uh, I love that he makes my uncle Mitchell happy.

Aw! Aw!

Oh, also, I love that you guys were the first ones to find out I was pregnant and you never judged me.

Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

I thought we all found out at the same time.

Oh, uh, well... Mitchell, you knew she was pregnant and you didn't tell me?

I didn't think it was my place.

Anyway. Who's next?

"What I love about Cam is..." Yeah.

I just wish you would have my back. Just once.

I don't think she's been using my gift.

(SINGING) Happy birthday to Cam...

Stop. Stop it. No one cares... Welcome to my world.

At my birthday, all anyone cared about was weepy Manny

'cause Sherry broke up with him.

(CRYING) She has a boyfriend now.

Way to go, Lily. Way to go!

(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

How old are you?

I turn 51 in, uh...

This many days.

(SCOFFS)

My dad had a mid-life crisis, too.

I have a hamster at his condo.

No. No, no mid-life crisis.

I just think you're never too old to learn.

Just stay away from my mom. She has a thing for losers.

(BREATHING RAPIDLY)

Are you okay? Should we take you to the hospital?

Yeah, the contractions are getting closer together.

No, Dad is next.

I can hold it for a few minutes. Okay?

I don't wanna screw this up for him. (GROANS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yikes. Hate to follow that. What are you gonna dazzle us with?

Fr Elise.

In which key? B-obvious?

Next up, the only student of mine who shaves.

(CHUCKLES) Philip Dunphy.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(PHILIP CLEARS THROAT)

Um... (BENCH SQUEAKS)

When I turned 50, I vowed to do some things to take me out of my comfort zone and keep me on my toes, and I wanna thank my family for being my biggest cheerleaders.

(HALEY GROANING) I love you too, honey.

No, Haley's going into labor, we've gotta get her to the hospital, honey.

I tried to hold it, I'm sorry, Dad. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, everyone.

Convenient.

(PLAYING FUR ELISE QUICKLY)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) Yes, great! Come on! Okay.

Great work, honey.

Tell your mom I say hi.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA)

Dylan!

Is everything okay?

D YLAN: (SIGHS) No.

Everything's amazing.

Why would you say it that way?

Haley's fine. She was so brave. And the babies are great.

I can't wait to see them.

As soon as they're done getting checked out.

I'm gonna go get them now.

Wait, wait. What about the sex?

The doctor says not for six weeks.

JAY: Is this the Dunphy suite? (ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, how is the mommy?

Hand sanitizer, everyone. Here you go.

How are you doing, kiddo?

A little tired, I overdid it last night.

(CHUCKLES) I don't think he was talking to you, buddy.

It's overwhelming, just feeling so many different emotions...

I'm also doing great. I have a son and a daughter.

And once they washed them off, they were really cute. GLORIA: Aw!

Oh, what are their names?

We're gonna put a pin in that, until the drugs wear off.

Nobody needs grandchildren named Pixar and Coachella.

Ooh. Phil, this is for you.

It's a little early birthday present and I admit this one is a re-gift.

"World's best grandfather." (CLAIRE GASPS)

That's the mug I gave you when Haley was born.

You kept it all these years.

Yeah, but, uh, it's yours now, I don't need it anymore. I got a new title.

"Great grandma?"

Oh, hell, I grabbed the wrong one. Here.

I'm going to count to three. Yeah...

Hey, how was your recital, Phil?

Oh, I messed it all up for him. Sorry about that, Dad.

I know that was your big goal for the year.

I have a better one now.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

My year was beautiful. CLAIRE: Mmm.

Ao means "year." Ano means "anus."

Still works. (DOOR OPENS)

Hey, everybody. (GLORIA GASPS)

Oh, hey, where are the babies? I want to see them.

There is no easy way to say this.

Mitch and Cam have a whole thing they wanna do.

Oh, God, it's worse than I thought.

(CIRCLE OF LIFEPLAYING)

Oh, my God, I love it so much.

(ALL LAUGHING)

It's the Circle of Life I can't believe they had matching robes in their car.

GLORIA: They're so beautiful.

Come here.

Good job.

(WHISPERS) You're both gonna get dog beds.

You're next, huh? Shh.

Okay. Okay, I'm just saying.

Good job, kid.

The Circle of Life

Oh, is he still crying?

Yeah, has been for hours. (SIGHS)

I thought he'd cry himself to sleep. Poor little guy.

Well, has he eaten anything?

Uh, I fed him an hour ago.

It's amazing how one can be fine and the other one is so upset.

You go up to bed, I'll check on him one last time.

Thanks, Mom.

There's my big, brave boy. (SNIFFLING)

Sherry booked a toothpaste commercial. Uh-huh.

I'm going to have to see that beautiful smile all the time.

(CRYING) Mmm.

There, there, let it out.