Modern Family S10E7 Script

Did the Chicken Cross the Road? (2018)

(CAM SCREAMS)

Oh, Mitchell! Are you awake?

Yeah. I think the lady upstairs just screamed. Should we check on her?

No, that was me. Something terrible just happened in the shower.

Oh, God. What did you try to shave?

No, I forgot the words to Thank God I'm a Country Boy.

Okay. Two minutes ago I was on the back of a snowmobile with Daniel Craig.

Mitchell, I sang that song my entire childhood.

If I can't remember the lyrics, that means I've lost complete touch with my roots.

How could I let this happen?

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I'm not. This is mostly your doing.

Should've seen that coming.

You have shamed the country boy out of me.

You roll your eyes when I say "y'all" or "fixin'," you made me take down our clothesline.

I just asked that we put it in the backyard.

You know what I have to do.

Relearn the lyrics? Get a chicken.

So, apparently, there's no legal reason why we can't have a chicken in our backyard.

And I did a real deep dive.

Okay, so this is the kitchen, which we recently remodeled.

(CHICKEN CLUCKING) Get used to that.

Okay, this is the living room. (CHICKEN CACKLES)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay. So, you and Mom will be in the chairs, me, Haley and Luke will be on the couch, and the interviewer will be right here.

Alex is up for a very prestigious government job that requires a family interview.

In case they bring one of those memory zappers, I've sharpied all the pertinent information on my arm.

PIN numbers, et cetera.

Oh, honey, you don't think that they're really...

Oh, do not worry, little lady, I got you covered.

If you really want to impress the interviewer, why don't you try casually leaving out this completed New York Times crossword that I found at the gym.

Why bring a knife to a gunfight? How about I lay out the family heirloom?

1931.

Great Grandpa Ted Dunphy is driving south from Modesto one foggy evening.

He picks up a stranded motorist and drives him to a gas station.

The man has no money, so Ted pays for his gas.

The man thanks him with a quick drawing on a cocktail napkin.

For, you see, that man was Walt Disney.

And this familiar fellow is Mickey Mouse.

Yeah. No thanks on the heirloom or the crossword, guys.

Let's just keep it simple, okay?

Honey, relax. You're awesome, it's gonna go great.

Just as soon as we get this chair back to where it's been ever since we've lived in this house.

Mom, can you please stop managing everything?

You mean like when she cleaned my hat collection out of the front closet in case the interviewer looked in there?

Honey, you never wore those hats and the charity was glad to get them.

Maybe you should've also donated my dream of one day going to the Kentucky Derby or Easter at a black church.

Hey, Alex, quick tip, smile during the interview.

I've been learning a lot about different personality types in my psych course and you're kind of textbook Borderline. All brains, no empathy.

You know, Luke, we are so very proud of all the hard work you're doing and I look forward to hearing your insights when you finish Chapter 2, but for now maybe you could just put that book away.

LUKE: No surprise that you'd say that.

Controlling, obsessive, classic commandant personality type.

Ooh. Burn. Oh, grow up, Haley.

Sadly, she can't.

Such is the plight of the Peter Pan personality.

You're saying Haley refuses to grow up?

I don't believe that.

Which brings us to another type, the dreamer.

Head in the clouds, tends to be naive, gullible.

I love that you're smart now.

That's your classic game day breakfast. Your carbs, fiber, your protein.

You throw in a shot of brandy in there, you'll be ready to play in the Ice Bowl.

I don't eat beets.

Never have, never will.

When you were two, you ate a dime and a butterfly, now your body's a temple?

He can eat a protein bar in the car.

We still have to pick up some players that live far away.

Gloria, this is not okay. It's legal.

They have PO boxes in the district. And besides, everybody bends the rules.

I swear the goalie from the other team has been my Uber driver.

Gloria, I'm trying to get the kid to eat his vegetables, I could use a little support.

Why aren't you dressed?

You're supposed to referee two games today.

I told you I don't want to do that.

I got my boxing match tonight. Besides, those ref outfits are stupid.

Walk it off, you're fine. Move it, Joe.

You're not hearing that?

So, Haley, you tell us about Alex.

Well, it was not easy sharing a room with a genius. (ALEX CHUCKLES)

She was always up reading and calculating.

But she also inspired me.

When I turned 21, I said, "Haley, time to be your own woman," and I moved into the basement.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but I just keep replaying my answer to you about my parenting style.

Oh, don't give it a second thought.

But when I said I wanted to run away and never come back, that was a joke.

Yeah. Absolutely. I know.

It's just that you wrote it down...

Mom, let it go. Okay.

So, Alex, I see you spent your summer in Honduras.

Any other travel that inspired...

Mrs. Dunphy?

If you could just maybe make a little, like, "LOL" next to my joke so then it's super clear.

Australia, a camping trip to Costa Rica, and a month in Europe.

Excellent.

Well, she does come by her wanderlust honestly.

The kids here all know about my high school trip to the Soviet Union.

Yeah, but she doesn't need to hear about that. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

No, please, continue. In the depths of the Cold War, my tumbling team was part of a cultural exchange.

I became friends with a Russian tumbler named Sergei who wanted to hear all about the U.S.

He asked me to send pictures when I got home.

And not just touristy stuff, Sergei was interested in ordinary things. Uh...

Airports, um, power plants, train stations.

His family was in the fence business.

He said our military had the best fencing in the world. (CHUCKLING)

I must have sent him 50 pictures of the perimeter of Camp Pendleton.

Anyway, we don't want to take up your whole day.

You would't have time to write up your report, which you could title, "Alex Dunphy, the Apple That Fell Very Far From the Tree."

Thank you all very much. I will be in touch.

ALEX: Thank you. CLAIRE: Okay, bye-bye.

HALEY: Bye. Fun chatting.

You know what, we Dunphys clean up pretty well when we want to, don't we?

Are you kidding me?

Mom, did you really have to OCD all over her notebook?

And you, bragging about still living at home at, like, what, 30?

And, Dad, well done.

There's nothing that cinches a government job like finding out your dad was a Russian spy.

Luke was right about all of you. Commandant. Peter Pan. Dreamer.

Thank you, Alexandra. It's not easy being the smart ones in this family.

Don't compare us!

Your last English paper came back with a Garfield sticker on it that said, "Way to Go!"

That's the second highest sticker she gives out!

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

Another fresh one, courtesy of Princess Layer.

Another new name? She's already been Egg Ryan and Chicky Minaj.

I know having a chicken isn't your dream, but if it makes you feel any better, I think I know who I am again.

A person who hates chickens!

They are filthy and beyond stupid.

The moment I can find the receipt, I am returning that chicken.

But I'm not gonna let Mitchell know because like that vile bird, I made a big stink.

CAM: Oh.

No. We're out of chicken feed again?

I have a meeting at the school today with the homecoming committee.

If polling is correct, the new queen is gonna be in a wheelchair, and we already blew our ramp budget on a balloon drop, so could you maybe...

Cam, this will be my third trip to the feed and grain store this week!

We agreed that you'd be the one to take care of this awful thing.

I've never really felt a connection to animals, but there's just something about that chicken.

The soulful eyes, the nervous movements, the cute little splash of red on top.

She's just likable.

Plus, I love going to that feed store.

The second I walk through the door, I'm one of them.

Howdy, Bobby. Smells like rain. BOBBY: Hey.

What are you doing back so soon?

Hey, I told you you gotta buy more than one bag of feed at a time.

No. It's no bother.

No, it's nice to get out of the field, away from the chickens.

Evenin'.

The problem is I can't let Cam know that I'm enjoying my new life as a gentleman farmer.

I've spent our whole relationship trying to tamp down his farm-ness.

Ugh. It's all the encouragement he'd need to move us to Missouri and go full Old MacDonald.

E-l-E-l-no. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Did I leave that unlatched? Oh, God.

Hennifer?

Hennifer?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hey, are you Ridley?

I'm reffing the 1:00 game.

Hey, do I get my voucher for a hot dog before or after?

Oh. Hey, you got your whistle? Oh, damn. I forgot it.

Late and no whistle. Where's your respect for the game?

On a football field somewhere. Hey, what do you say I borrow yours?

Are you kidding? I just lost six weeks of school to mono.

You're on field four.

All right, let's get this over with.

You are the referee for my game? You don't know anything about soccer.

Take that up with the lady who forced me into this.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Okay, Purple, let's go! Joe, Finn, Clyde, up front.

Lucas, Dylan, Chad, in the back, Estefan, in goal.

I'm guessing that Estefan is the kid who lives out of the district.

His legs are hairier than mine and I think he was wearing a wedding ring.

RIDLEY: Let's get this party started, rookie.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, they won't start unless you use the whistle.

Whistle. Whistle.

GLORIA: Clyde, it's open! Yes! (PEOPLE CHEERING)

Whistle! No goal! Purple offside.

Offside? Are you blind?

He's right. Free kick for red, right where the ball is.

Yes. Free kick for red, right where the ball is!

And whistle!

For the first time in weeks, Gloria had to listen to me.

I was in charge. Ridley said so.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING) Goal! Yes!

(PEOPLE CHEERING) Coach, you're running up the score.

You got to sub in some of your weaker players.

How about this kid with the neck pillow?

It's usually a tip-off.

I'm not running up the score, I'm winning.

You either make the substitution, or you are leaving my field.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) That's it! Whistle! You're outta here!

(SPEAKING ANGRILY IN SPANISH)

Doesn't frighten me.

(AIR HISSING) (BALL THUDS)

How about that? A little bit.

(LINE RINGING)

D YLAN: (OVER CELL PHONE) Oh, hey, Haley, what's up?

I'm kind of mad at my family, actually.

They keep saying I have one of those Peter Pan personalities.

So, change of plans, we're going to a play, not the circus.

Wh... What?

Dylan, don't make a thing out of this.

The elephant's not going to remember you promised to see him next year.

No, Haley, I can't hear you, bad reception.

Let me move up.

Was Alex right? Had I been an unwitting...

(SOFTLY) An unwitting spy?

I even dug out an old article they'd done on me in a Russian newspaper during my trip.

Sergei told me the headline said, "Young Tumbler's Mission of Friendship."

A quick scan into Google Translate revealed the truth.

"Famous Tumbler Denounces the West."

I needed some fresh air to clear my head.

Had I been that big a dupe in high school?

And if so, what was stopping them from trying to use me again today?

(VEHICLE ENGINE WHIRRING)

D YLAN: Hey, Mr. D! Hey, hey, hey! What's up, buddy?

Makes you crazy, doesn't it, Commandant?

No.

So, you weren't about to straighten that chair, because if the whole world isn't completely ordered, it feels like your skin is on fire?

This is literally armchair psychology.

Luke, your label for me was spot-on. I am a dreamer.

No, worse, I'm a patsy, a mark, a full-on sucker!

Phil, calm down. You're not a dupe.

Have a seat.

Sad. CLAIRE: Mmm.

D YLAN: Hey, guys. LUKE: Hey, Dylan.

Sweet lid. What it cost you? Zilch.

Someone threw a bunch of them in the trash across the street.

So, uh, Haley's waiting for you downstairs. Off you go.

I used to have a Panama that looked a little like... And my fedora!

You duped me into believing were donating them to ISSBA when you were just going to throw them in the trash.

But this doesn't just hurt me, Claire.

What about the poor people at the Institute for Sun-Sensitive Bald Americans?

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Phil.

It's just that woman was coming, and the interview, and there was all that clutter.

(VOICE BREAKING) I'm sick. Tell him, Luke.

Save it, Claire. You think of me what everyone thinks of me.

I'm a rube, a pigeon, a greenhorn.

Okay, Dylan, let's get you changed and lose the hat.

It's rude to block people's views where we'll be spending our afternoon.

At an adult theater.

CLAIRE: Hmm.

I mean, we all knew there was going to be a third one, right?

I didn't! Oh.

I must have left the latch open. You probably did.

I know how much that chicken means to you.

So much.

And now something this painful...

I don't think I can have a chicken again. Ever.

Wait, wait, the security camera.

We can find out exactly what happened.

Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.

Mitchell, Mitchell, wait. Wait.

You're not used to the harsh realities of farm life.

All these animals, they seem so sweet, but it's a bloodbath at the first sign of weakness, just like dinner with our friends when one person gets up from the table.

Oh, my God. Okay, you look and tell me what happened.

Okay.

And later, tell me what people say when I leave the table.

CAM: Okay. Well, nothing happening yet.

Okay. I wanna see. No. No, don't.

(GASPS) Oh, no. Oh, no. Something's come into the backyard.

MITCHELL: What? CAM: I think it's a raccoon.

Oh! Oh...

- Oh, the horror. MITCHELL: Oh, my God!

CAM: No, no. No, she's fighting.

She's fighting, Mitchell, with every fiber of her indomitable chicken-y spirit.

And it's over. Oh, gosh.

Well, that's the worst farm calamity I've seen since the dinner theater production of Oklahoma!

Starring Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Delete. Mmm.

Where's the body? Um... Dragged off.

Well, then she could still be alive. We have to look for her.

Grab her favorite squeak toy.

Okay. Well, which one?

Squirrely Temple or Lionardo DiCaprio? (TOY SQUEAKS)

It's like you don't even know her.

"Dead-end alcoholics, broken lives and broken dreams..."

Nope, nothing about Spider-Man.

It must be a different Iceman that cometh.

That's okay. It could still be good.

But, Dylan, you have to stop looking at the carnival over there.

I'm sorry. But it just might be easier to enjoy this unsparing look at life's castoffs if I knew that afterwards, we were gonna walketh over there and goeth to the bumper cars.

I'm literally asking for only... Four and a half hours?

Look, I know you want to prove that we're mature adults, but look at this line.

We are the young people here. Whereas...

At the carnival, we'd be like the oldest people there.

May I remind you what they said to us last time, when they escorted us out of the ball pit?

"Excuse me, but this attraction isn't really for..."

Adults. Uh-huh.

M'lady. M'Dylan.

Okay, we need to talk.

You bet we need to talk.

I was out-of-bounds throwing you out of that game.

You bet you were out-of-bounds throwing me out of that game!

"But it was all my fault, Jay."

You bet it was all my fault, Jay. Don't Bugs Bunny me!

Okay, so we both like to be in charge.

But when it comes to Joe, can we both be on the same page?

Like this morning, when I was trying to get him to eat his vegetables, back me up.

I knew I should've thrown away those beets.

Stupid! What am I, four?

I guess we're not setting a very good example.

Exactly. When we say no to each other, he thinks he can say no to us.

Yeah, like for his homework, his bedtime...

Or something important like eating those nutritious...

(TRASH CAN LID OPENS)

(SHOUTING) Whistle! (SHOUTING) Whistle!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (CLAIRE SIGHS)

Phil, look, I'm really sorry I lied to you about the hats, but in all fairness, you do have a tendency to...

This again? How I can't throw anything away?

We have 100 episodes of Hoarders on DVR in case you want to watch them again.

That's not what this is about.

It's about me blindly believing whatever anybody tells me.

You're being too hard on yourself.

You want to see the best in people, it doesn't mean you're gonna believe just anything.

Really? What about our beloved family heirloom?

Claire... Hmm?

Is this real or am I just a fourth-generation Dunphy dummy?

Well, uh, Mickey's shoulders are a bit muscular, but perhaps Walt customized it for your great-grandfather because he was a... He was a longshoreman?

He sold ladies' bonnets. Yeah.

Mom, can you slip Dad's credit card back into his wallet before he...

Oh. Hey, handsome.

Further proof of how you all see me, as a turnip truck faller-offer.

No. Then I'll ask you.

Do you believe that this was drawn by Walt Disney?

LUKE: Uh...

Alex, get in here! Alex?

No, honey, you know what she's going to say.

Her optometrist won't let her wear contacts because of all the excessive eye-rolling.

Hi. I need to know the truth.

Alex, real or unreal?

Real.

Yeah, it's a little off, but didn't you say he had to draw it in the back of a truck?

And what hitchhiker would be carrying around a drafting pencil if he wasn't some sort of animator?

And who would run out of gas on the side of the road but a starry-eyed dreamer envisioning the happiest place on Earth?

So, real.

Also, I got the job.

What? Hey!

Yeah, they just called. I'm still in shock myself.

Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.

Oh. Let me get some champagne. Luke, help me with the glasses.

Alex, that's amazing. I knew you could do it.

You say that about everything.

Well, I know, but... No, thank you.

Riding a bike, my first cello concert, freshmen chemistry, this job, every time I was sure I couldn't do something, you convinced me I could.

It's nice to have a believer in the house.

(TOY SQUEAKING)

I don't see her anywhere.

All right, let's maybe turn around and look over there.

Okay, Mitchell, why would the chicken cross the road?

We were never finding that chicken.

After an unpleasant struggle that I only won after sustaining multiple scratches, I put it in the back seat of my car, drove it back to the egg farm, and lobbed it over the fence.

They can fly a little.

Oh. Your arm's all scratched up. What happened?

Oh, um, it's probably from when I was trying to break that fight up with those blue jays.

Gosh. Oh, God.

(YAWNS) Man, I am all of a sudden feeling very tired.

Well, do you want me to drive? Oh, no, no. It's fine.

Cam, watch out! Oh, my God!

(TIRES SCREECH)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

You got rid of Hennifer.

Okay, I admit it. I hated that chicken!

And I was too ashamed to say anything because I made such a big stink out of you shaming the country out of me.

I'm sorry. I have a confession.

I love that chicken. Really?

I didn't want to admit it because I like to see myself as sort of, you know, a sophisticated urbanite, but I guess you countrified me a little.

Well, you've citified me.

Aw. That's kinda sweet. CAM: It is.

You know, now we just need to find an activity that satisfies the straw-chewing country boy in you and the window-shopping cosmopolitan in me.

Drive up the road a piece.

Would this horse shampoo harm a cat? Because I love the scent. (SNIFFING)

Collar up or down? Uh... Down.

(HALEY LAUGHING) You'll pay for that!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Time-out, time-out!

I just saw my reflection.

I told you that churro was going to drink up my lipstick.

Time in! HALEY: (SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

Dylan, the lipstick went up my nose!

It's really jammed up there!

Oh. Okay.

Stay still, Haley. I'll hit you from the other side.

What are you doing?

Just want to let you know the X-ray shows no broken nose.

I guess you figured out we were acting kind of childish.

Enjoy it while you can, right? Yeah.

Who says we have to race into being adults?

Why wouldn't you want to enjoy a carefree life as long as you could?

At least until the baby comes.

Oh, that's years away. Trust me. (CHUCKLES)

Actually, we always run a blood test before anesthesia.

You're pregnant.

We can be here all night.

I couldn't! I was late to watch the fight at Shorty's.

By the time I got there, the Polish sausage was gonna be down to those puckered end pieces.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(WHISPERING) Listen, I'll meet you halfway.

When your mother's not looking, you eat a beet, I eat a beet. Deal?

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (GLORIA SIGHS)

Mi amor, can I get some wine?

(WHISPERING) That was Estefan's father.

The Green Goblins are trying to recruit him.

I need to stop at the ATM and then go to his house.

When your dad is not looking, let's split the beets, okay?

(JAY CLEARS THROAT)

Fine. I'm ready to eat these.

But can you turn off the lights so I don't have to see how gross they are?

Makes sense. Good idea.

(CLATTERING)

Bravo, papi! That's my guy!