Modern Family S11E12 Script

Dead on a Rival (2020)

Question. I need to hire an assistant.

Do you think it would be unethical to hire the second most qualified candidate?

What's wrong with the most qualified?

Well...

And after graduating Stanford engineering, I was offered a Rhodes Scholarship.

Do you have any questions for me?

I definitely have to carve out some extra time for giggling.

You can't discriminate against the poor guy just because he's a smoke show.

I've been battling hot-shaming my entire life.

Please don't say "hot lives matter."

Hey, Grandpa. What's up?

Returning this to your mom.

Who's the beefcake?

Oh...

I need to hire an assistant, and this gentleman is currently the frontrunner.

Does he get a normal paycheck, or are you just gonna stuff ones down his G-string?

I do have some trepidation about the optics.

Well, you should. These are sensitive times.

Perception is everything.

I didn't care about any of that crap.

I don't have enough work for my assistant, Margaret.

Been with me 40 years.

I can't just put her out to pasture like some worn-out plow horse.

The old broad deserves a little respect.

No offense, Grandpa, but I need someone who can hit the ground running.

Margaret's more someone who would hit a pedestrian and not even realize it.

Just because she's no Christie Brinkley, who, by the way, is a year older than Margaret, doesn't mean we throw her on the scrap heap.

Well, she'd have to start tomorrow.

Is she okay working on a Saturday?

That's the advantage of hiring somebody with a few miles on her...

By 6:00 a.m., she will have had two soft-boiled eggs and be raring to go.

Cam, come on, let's go.

No, hold on just a second. I need to finish this.

Please tell me this isn't another letter-writing campaign.

They're not going to rename our street.

Okay, Mary Kay Place would be a very fun tribute to an American treasure, but, no, that's not what this is.

Cam, come on. I want to go.

The store opens in a half-hour, okay?

You know I get all my pants for the entire year at this sale, and 32 is a very, very common pant size.

It'd be great if we could go a day without you mentioning your 32-inch waist size.

No, this is urgent.

Seńor Kaplan cut my "Wind Beneath My Wings" number at the faculty follies "for time."

So I'm turning him in to the IRS for deducting his breakfast burritos.

You're wasting your life with these rivalries.

There is a guy at work who always eats my peanut butter, but I just let it go because life's too short and so is he, and maybe the peanut butter is just his creamy substitute for human affection.

Okay? Can we go? Could we please go?

Yes. Thank you.

Oh! Ah! Oh, my gosh.

I'm s... Uh... C-Can we help you?

Name's Murray Clark.

I grew up in this house.

Oh! Hi! Oh!

Well, my name is Cameron. This is my husband, Mitchell.

Well, that's funny.

Okay.

Uh, so, we were just about to leave. See, I get all my pants...

I haven't seen this house since I went off to war.

Oh, and you'd like to come in and take a look around a little bit?

No, nothing like that.

I just came here to die.

Uh, excuse me? I'm sorry?

Oh, it's nothing sad. I'll just be a minute.

Actually, could I get a juice first?

Oh, of course.

Why not? Sure, yeah.

What are you doing? Being a gracious host.

To a stranger who wants to die here?

Oh, come on, Mitchell, nothing's going to happen.

It's just a cry for help.

Okay, if I can't get a pair of slim-cut chinos in French Blue, you're gonna die here.

Marvin? Milton? No, it's Murray.

Murray? Murray! Murray!

Oh, my God. Did he actually die?

Calm down! I'm... I'm first aid certified!

Murray? Murray!!

Who taught you first aid, a nanny on death row?

Wake up! Damn it!

Oh! I flew coach all the way from Florida to die in this house, and you ruined it!

Oh, my God. That's insane.

You knew you were going to die and you flew coach?

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm trying to spruce up my résumé.

This job hunt is killing me.

I'm sorry, Mom, but if those companies aren't smart enough to hire you, you don't want to work with them anyway.

That's what I used to tell Alex about boys.

Just don't jump at the first offer.

That's what I used to tell you about boys.

He's here! He's here!!

Today, our old neighbor-turned-tech-titan, Kenneth, is coming to visit.

And he says he has a "big surprise" for me.

I don't know if the super rich have access to time travel, but if they do, I'm going back to the '90s.

Ooh, to buy a whole bunch of Amazon stock?

No!

I'm going to tell Felicity not to cut her hair.

Yeah!

Hi.

Okay.

Haley, get in here! Nah, I'm good.

We're not letting go of each other until you get in here.

Haley, get in the hug!

Oh! Oh, this feels so good!

Sure, but who needs hugs when you can... man-shake! Man-shake!

Uh-oh. You're gonna want to give them some space for this.

Mm, mm, mm. Mm, mm, mm.

Pew! Pew!

Ooh, what are the cameras for?

Huh? Oh!

This is for a documentary about tech visionaries going back to thank the people who inspired them.

Elon Musk got his math teacher an island.

What am I getting?

Assuming it's... me.

Well, are the cameras rolling? Yes.

What is the one thing that we've always dreamed of doing together?

Going to college in New York with Felicity?

No.

This man right here, he taught me to always dream big and reach for the stars.

And as a thank-you, Phil, would you make me the happiest man on Earth and leave Earth with me?

W-W-What?!

I just got us two tickets on the next Russian flight to the International Space Station!

This is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me!

Except of... of course, winning two non-consecutive Realtor of the Year Awards.

I'm... I'm going to cry.

Uh, don't cry yet. I'm so sorry. We had a sound issue.

Can we do all that again?

Yeah! Should we take it back to the hug?

So, tickets for my show today are at will call.

And good news... I was able to get you comps.

I'm sure it'll cost me in other ways.

It's from Dad. "I'm almost there."

If "almost there" was a place, Javier would be the mayor.

Please stop taking pot shots at his expense.

Pot shots are the only thing that we can take at his expense.

I mean it, Mom. You've even poisoned Joe.

You mean with her cooking?

Hey, we're only making fun of Javier!

No, we're not.

Promise me. Okay, fine, I promise.

If my good-natured ribbing is making you uncomfortable, I will refrain.

I've got her on Word a Day cards.

We'll see how long it holds.

Hola, Gloria.

Oh, Javier, h... Eeeee.

Nice teeth.

Did you get them at the dentist or at the piano store?

I haven't seen anything so white and square since the Mormons knocked on my door.

And those were just off the top of my head, but I promised Manny, so... Pbht!

Nice to see you. Come in.

Hey, Dad! There's my boy!

Whee!

Someone has been wearing my custom-made cologne...

Javier!

For the man who wants to smell a little bit like a woman.

Thanks for coming to my show, Dad.

Of course. I wouldn't miss it.

But, hey, that is not the only reason I am in town.

I, um... I have a proposition... something for you to chew on.

Couldn't you chew on it for us with your giant, new beaver mouth?

I don't know why I made that stupid promise.

I am on fire!

I was in a high-stakes poker game with a King-high Flush.

So I bet my house.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're not living in Manny's room.

I won a year-long cruise around the world.

I want you to set sail with me for the entire voyage!

What?! Absolutely not.

I should ask my gal at Nordstrom to pull some cruise looks for me.

Look at him, he's chomping at the bit.

Stop setting me up!

Here you go. A cup of joe, the old-fashioned way.

Oh, thanks, Margaret. Mm-hmm.

Mnh! Oh, God. I-Is there bourbon in this?

When you asked for coffee, didn't you give me a "wink-wink"?

No. It's the morning.

Well, that's why there's coffee in it.

Could you just make me a lunch reservation, please?

Oh. No problem.

What's that thing?

Oh, these are all the great restaurants that Jay used to go to.

Oh. Do you like Steak Diane?

It took her 12 tries to find a place that had a salad.

Uh, w-what are you doing?

Oh, I was just getting the couch ready for your afternoon "meeting."

Why are you saying "meeting" like it's not really a meeting?

Just so you know, when I say something, that's exactly what I mean.

Also, when you called me from your car, I couldn't really understand you.

You may want to fix your Bluetooth.

Oh. You noticed?

The nerve died a few years ago.

But if it bothers you, I'll have it yanked.

So, Manny, what is your show about?

Will there be pirates and tasteful nudity?

It'll be different from my last one.

This is a one-man play in which I portray four characters in a café from different walks of life.

When the Internet goes out, they're forced to talk to each other.

I call it "Who, What, When, Where, Wi-Fi."

I'd throw in a pirate.

I should go get into characters.

Manny's not going on that trip.

I know what an adventure with you means.

Seedy bars, con men, souvenir pens that when you flip them, the lady's clothes come off.

If my son wants to spend some time with me, he should be able to.

Jay... back me up.

He's not gonna back you up.

Gloria, let Manny go on the trip. He'll be fine.

He's been 40 since he was 10.

And he's been 10 for 40 years.

It's not happening.

Look, I understand your concern, but I want to bond with Manny before it's too late.

I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.

You probably didn't notice, but I got veneers.

Oh, that's what that is!

Please don't die in our house.

What the hell do you care?

For starters, if we ever want to sell this place, we'll have to disclose that someone died here.

Why? The last owners didn't.

For the millionth time, I moved that chair.

My wife passed years ago. I don't have any other family.

I just want to close my eyes and drift off.

There are lots of reasons to want to continue to live.

I know you miss your missus, but living alone is underrated.

For one, you can have whatever you want for dinner.

Huh. Two, you can move the couch wherever you'd like.

It's been 10 years.

Where... Where would the couch look better?

I appreciate what you think passes for support.

I'm just not interested.

I think you need a more positive outlook on life.

Our neighbor Herschel, he's about your age.

Herschel Braverman? Yeah.

We grew up together. We love Herschel!

We... We bring him a corned beef sandwich every time we go to the deli.

Yeah, see? There's something to live for.

Yeah. You should go reunite with your old friend.

Right now. Okay, you know what?

Don't be rude. We'll walk him over.

He's just in a hurry to get to a pants sale that started 30 minutes ago.

What are you, a 32?

I am.

All the good stuff's already gone.

If you guys want to keep up with the Russians, you're gonna have to train. Oh.

I'll get the vodka!

If I could build a fembot with lifelike skin, it would be just like her.

Did you get a weird vibe from Claire?

No, she seemed super positive and supportive.

That's exactly what I mean.

Oh, while I'm here, I'm gonna see if we have any Tang!

I don't want to go to space, Claire! I'm terrified!

What happens if I break something and we can't breathe?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't breathe right now.

Honey, calm down! The Russians know what they're doing!

I'm going to die up there!

Just tell him you don't want to go.

This is such an amazing gift, it'll crush him.

Plus, I'll look like a coward in that documentary.

You're right, we don't want to see this on film.

I'm taping over it already in my mind.

You've gotta shut this down. What?!

Help me, Claire. You're my only hope.

Fine.

But if I do this, you're not allowed to quote "Star Wars" to me anymore.

I love you. I know.

Hey... Kenneth.

I was just talking to Buzz-kill Aldrin over here...

Claire, I-I hope you don't mind terribly, but I was just taking a peek at your résumé.

It is very impressive.

Have you landed anywhere?

Uh, not yet, no.

You know, speaking of landings, unfortunately... Wow, really?

Well, we should talk about a really interesting job opportunity that just opened up at my company.

I would love that.

I'm looking for a bold candidate who loves to take chances.

No, you are looking at a bold candidate who loves to take chances.

I know, but, still, um, Claire has...

Claire has some concerns.

If I'm working for you, do I still get hugs?

No, not in this climate. Oh.

Best I can offer is a wo-man shake!

Ha! What?

Uh, uh, pew!

Whoa! What?

Wow, you are a quick study. How am I doing this?!

Remember, shred this, don't fax it.

Hey, honey. Hi, Jay. - Grandpa.

Cup of coffee, Margaret?

Grandpa, what are you doing here?

A terrible thing happened today at Manny's one-man show...

He got me a ticket.

No, I just stopped in to see how Margaret's working out.

She's not.

As much as I enjoyed her pairing the glass of Chablis with my surprise shrimp cocktail, that's not a skill I need in an assistant.

You have to fire her.

I can't. She worked for me her whole life.

She slept on the sidewalk to get me Nancy Sinatra tickets.

Fine. I'll do it.

Margaret, could you come in here, please?

This is the second thing today I can't watch.

I did everything I could for you.

She's a cold one.

What's going on here?

Am I fired?

I'm afraid so.

Oh, thank God!

I've been wanting to retire for years now, but I could never let Jay down.

I just want to sleep, tend my cannabis garden, and never work again.

Margaret, I want you back at Dog Beds.

Oh, whatever you say, Jay.

See you tomorrow.

No! Grandpa, Margaret wants to retire.

It's not what I want. It's what Jay needs.

Ugh, what is wrong with you two?

You don't need an assistant, and she doesn't want to work anymore.

Is this true? Do you really want to hang it up?

There are some things I wouldn't mind trying.

Well, then you should do it. I'll manage.

It's going to be weird, though.

I mean, you're the longest relationship I've ever had.

Four husbands, three heart attacks, countless lovers, and you stood by me through it all.

I love you, Jay.

I love you, too, Margaret.

It's been a great run.

And we'll always have Mitchell.

What?! She's messing with you.

No, our kid moved away a long time ago.

Hey, forget what I told you earlier.

It's okay to hire the hot one.

You may make a friend for life.

Hey, fellas!

Hey, Herschel! You bring me a sandwich?

Oh, no, we didn't go to the deli today.

Eh... No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!

But how about a trip down memory lane instead?

Eh... W-Wait, wait, wait.

Herschel, look, we have your old friend Murray Clark! Clark!

Well, what do you know?

Hello, Hersch.

It's been a lifetime.

Don't give me that, you smug sonuvabitch.

What... W-What's happening?

This bastard told our football coach I was a communist.

Got me kicked off the team.

I could've gone pro!

I only did that 'cause he stole my paper route!

I had to deliver ice to support my family.

Deliver ice? How old are you guys?

You're a snake! You're a rat!

He stole my girl when I went to war, and he stayed home with a fake limp.

You should be grateful!

That woman gave me the clap!

That was a little gift from me!

Eh!

Murray, what the heck was that?

Just the beginning.

The beg... the beginning?

Oh... Murray. Uh, what are you doing, buddy?

Nobody talks to me like that.

Oh.

Fine.

I'm taking it.

And when I get home, I'm going to sign him up for a bunch of those fringe religions.

Let's see how he likes getting all those singing visitors and all those free Bibles.

I'm going to ruin the rest of his life.

See, Mitchell, he's making plans for the future.

That's why you have rivals. It's something to live for.

Okay, you're just justifying bad behavior.

Okay, Murray, Mitchell has somebody at work that keeps stealing his peanut butter, and he won't do anything about it.

You want to stop it? Try mixing in some laxatives.

And then put an "under construction" sign on the bathroom door.

And if you really want to ruin his day...

Okay, now, hold on, hold on. Let me write these down.

Alright. You call his wife...

Hey, the Wi-Fi's out.

Huge bummer, man.

I was just about to finish writing my poem.

You're a writer, too? Well, knock me over with a feather.

Blaine Lemarque, playwright.

Power used to go out all the time in the bayou.

So crazy, I'm writing a movie set in the bayou called "Swamp Cops."

I'm in film school, but soon, everyone's gonna know my name...

Keith Fank!

I couldn't help overhearing.

I'm Rhonda Jamowitz, gossip columnist for the local rag.

You'll never guess which starlet was in here yesterday with a new man and a newer nose.

I was hoping that the play was gonna get better.

With maybe a little less Rhonda.

I know I'm going on and on, but for the first time since Mother passed, I don't feel alone.

Brilliant.

I don't miss the nudity at all.

We're so worried about staying connected, ignoring the walls that are being erected.

We let the information confound us, when there's so much love swirling around us, that all we need to do is...

Wi-Fi's back on!

I blame myself.

"You got an A? Have a hat."

"You skinned your knee? Have a hat."

Sorry for making you guys wait.

It took me a little longer than I thought to find my way back to Manny.

Bravo, bravo!

Another triumph, eh?

Thanks.

You know, I really think I have something here.

Maybe instead of going on that cruise, I should stay home and work on...

You are going on that cruise!

It's gonna be good for you.

It's so important for your father.

He planned a whole adventure!

We'll drink tequila in Honduras.

We'll swim with the dolphins in Bali.

But when we travel through the Panama Canal, we'll be required to do some light housekeeping.

It's part of the deal.

Okay, then. I'll just go grab my stuff and take some selfies with my fan.

Gloria, dime... why are you suddenly so on board with this trip?

I've sheltered him for too long.

He needs something real that he can write about.

Take him to the seediest bars, introduce him to con men.

Let him taste danger.

But not shrimp, because it makes his eyelid feel funny.

No, seńor!

The cycle ends here!

Really? You just sold me out for a job?

Honey, he wants a risk-taker.

How's it going to look if I squash your boys' trip?

Boys' trip?! We're leaving the planet!

You know the scariest part of a roller coaster?

It's a month of that!

Dad, you don't want to go to space?

No, I do. I-I just... I worry that it might be too traumatic for you...

Oh, no, it'll be fun to tell the kids their Pop-Pop is an astronaut.

Pop-Pop might be the last sound I make.

Claire, if it's not too much trouble, would you please, um, pick out a family photo for me to clutch after my tether snaps and I tumble endlessly through the void?

It is much more likely that you will just incinerate upon re-entry.

You guys talking about space?

Yeah. Um... look, buddy, I appreciate all this, but I don't want to go.

What? I'm sorry. I'm just so scared.

But y-you're my rock.

I-I can't... I can't do this without you.

I'm your rock?

What did I get us into?

I didn't even want to go.

I just wanted to look cool in front of Bezos and Elon and Zuck-Zuck.

That's the reason why you're going?

I'm sorry, but launching white dudes into space hasn't been cool for years.

But the cameras.

How am I going to get out of this?

Well, if you're trying to look cool, just throw some splashy event and auction off the space trip to charity.

That could work.

What kind of charity? Wolves are hot right now.

I love that. I'm going to save the wolves!

We're saving them, right? Yeah.

I like the way you think outside the box.

I may have a really interesting job opportunity for you.

Haley, we could be working together!

No, it's really just the one job.

And, Phil, while it's not a trip to space, I hope that the Phil Dunphy Center for Wolves will be a fitting honor for the man who changed my life.

We'll have a big opening ceremony.

You'll meet all the wolves!

Now let's go do this again in front of the cameras!

I'm terrified of wolves!

Oh, good, you're here.

Manny's about to model his new cruise wear for me.

This should be good.

Jay, don't make him self-conscious.

Promise you're going to be nice.

Very smart.

Thanks, Mom.

Jay, what do you think?

Hey, El Capitán Kangaroo.

What are you, the Untalented Mr. Ripley?

You should be directing traffic in the Bahamas.

Tennille called...

D-Did I do that one yet?

Anyway, she thinks you look like the kid in an '80s movie we're supposed to hate.

You look amazing.

Amazing-ly like the last Kennedy picked in a touch football game.

These are too good. I gotta tell him.

Manny, put the outfit back on!