Modern Family S11E13 Script

Paris (2020)

Oh, I'm finally here.

Oh, this has been my dream ever since I saw "An American in Paris."

For me, it was "Amélie."

I made my mom give me that haircut.

Happy Valentine's Day, mon cheri.

Ah, gay Paree.

See, I told you it would be Claire.

I had my money on Jay. Sorry, ladies, I'm in too good a mood.

It's no big deal.

I'm getting a lifetime achievement award at this year's Expo Internationale du Closet.

Why don't they translate the last word?

I'm sure they have a word for closet.

They're French.

Maybe they went on strike before they got to the end.

Monsieur Pritchett, welcome to the Crowne Plaza.

I am Bernard Busse, president of the International Closet Guild.

Mwah!

Mwah! Oh, God. He made the sound.

And this woman needs no introduction.

You are just as beautiful as Jay described in his e-mail.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Stella.

Oh, no, no. This is my wife, Gloria.

I-I put you in the e-mail, but then it was too long.

Well, I hope to see you both at the cocktail reception in an hour.

A bientĂ´t.

Adiós.

'Cause that's what we need. A third language.

We have an hour. We should go sightseeing.

Maybe check out Notre Dame. No, thank you.

I saw it back in the day, before it was a shell of itself.

Seeing it again would only depress me.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

That's why I can't shop at Sears.

Manny, why don't you go and check us in since you disgraced this family by learning French instead of Spanish.

And get that room that they promised me.

Apparently some earl once slept there.

We're so proud of you, Dad.

Thanks. I only wish my old man could be here to see this.

You know, it's funny.

He stormed the beaches of Normandy, and I'm getting a closet award.

We keep topping each other.

Who knows what Joe will do?

Hey, w-what are you doing now?

Well, you know, it's Valentine's Day, so I think I'm gonna enjoy the most romantic city in the world with my husband.

Mm. Oh. Sorry.

Phil can't come to Paris because he has to work.

It stinks, but I am still gonna have so much fun visiting all my favorite places from the semester I spent there in college.

Real-estate emergency.

Um, broker/client confidentiality fobids me from discussing it.

The stuff I've seen... you do not want to know.

Correct.

Look, if you want, and you don't feel too awkward about being a third wheel, maybe...

Ugh! Pity invite from Mitchell?

How the tables have turned.

No, merci.

I'm gonna go find my favorite café, have a glass of wine, and try not to be sad that I'm all alone.

Okay, great. Have fun.

Bye.

Ooh-la-la.

You know, I heard the bread here is healthier than the kind we have back home.

Well, how is that possible? Bread is bread.

You would think, but it's actually the way that the grain is, um...

No, no, it's... It's the way that the... the ovens...

Okay, look, I'm gonna have a lot of bread while we're here.

I need it to be okay.

I am so sorry.

I think I'm jet-lagged.

You know what? I might take a nap while you go out and... explore.

Ooh! Oh.

What was that? W-Why did your bag honk?

I think that was a phone. You know, that's how they ring here.

Will somebody answer that? Hmm? Hmm?

Don't be mad.

Fizbo?

My sweaters were too bulky to pack, but Fizbo made the cut?

Oh, come on. You know it's always been my dream to... to bring the magic of Fizbo to the streets of Paris.

You're not jet-lagged.

You were gonna sneak out and go clown around.

You know that's not how we say it. It's "clown about."

I-I can't believe you lied to me.

Well, I can't believe I had to.

You know, most clowns have spouses that are supportive.

I'm not convinced most clowns have spouses.

Claire was about to meet Clive Bixby's French cousin, Claude.

The plan was simple enough.

All I did was create a fake work emergency and wait for Claire at her favorite café.

Welcome to France. What is the purpose of your visit?

L'amour.

Just answer the question, sir!

Oh, I'm s-so sorry.

Um, business... of l'amour.

It helps to add a little sugar...

Claude.

Oh. Thank you, but th... this is, uh, not my real name.

It's my romantic alter ego.

I'm surprising my wife.

Not bad.

For an American.

Oh, really? You can do better?

Many years ago, I met a woman in this very café.

We had a brief but passionate affair, spending our days exploring Paris and our nights... exploring each other.

Mm.

Well, I-I once took a woman to both Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm.

In the same day.

On the day we parted... we promised to meet here on this Valentine's Day to rekindle our love.

Who knows?

The chances of her even remembering...

Oh, mon dieu.

Claire! Claire!

Mmm.

Bonjour.

Hello.

Oh! Oh.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

"Sorry"? H-How did you know I speak English?

Have a nice visit.

Excusez-moi.

Um... ou se trouve, um...

What are you looking for?

Mona Lisa? McDonald's?

Both are that way.

Heads up, the portions here are normal-size.

H-How did you know I'm American? Is my accent that bad?

We're dressed the same.

There's no reason to attack me.

Hey. Where's Jay?

I think he's nervous.

He has changed his outfit three times.

If this is what it's like to be married to me, it's no picnic.

We have a problem. I have to show you something. Come here.

Burl Saunders!

Close. Earl Chambers.

Jay isn't getting the award.

He's accepting it on behalf of his ex-partner, Earl.

What?

How?

When the Expo called, Manny talked to them because he speaks French.

At least, he thought he did.

In my defense, the French word for "hotel room" sounds a lot like "chamber."

Oh, oui, oui.

They said you're putting you up in the royal suite.

It used to be some earl's chamber.

That's closet people for you... class all the way!

Ah. He's here. What do we do?

Nothing. Tell him the truth.

Jay's a grown man. He can handle it.

Okay, but if he goes for my throat, be ready to dial neuf, un, un.

That language. It's like a bunch of horses talking.

Look at this place. Everybody's here.

Heinrich Muler of Berlin Closet-stadt, Susan Sadaki from Tokyo Closets and Canned Whale Meat.

It's a regular who's who.

Yeah, even when you say all their names.

You know, I gotta tell you, this award couldn't have come at a better time.

With my closet company gone, sometimes it feels like I don't have anything to show for a lifetime of work, like it didn't matter.

But now I know it did.

Yes.

Wait here.

I'll be right back.

New plan... I'm getting him out of here, keeping him busy.

You go and talk to the closet people.

Make them give him an award.

Any kind of award. He won't know the difference.

How? Bribe them.

Blackmail them. Seduce them.

Have I taught you nothing?

Phil?

Claire. Claire?

Guy? Oh, my God. What are you doing here?

Claire, you know this Guy?

Well, um... I used to.

What are you both doing here?

I came to surprise you on Valentine's Day.

You know the guy on the plane with all the face bandages?

That was me. Oh.

Claire, do you not remember asking me to meet you here in this café exactly 30 years after we parted?

Vaguely.

I-I-I was crazy to think this could work out.

Of course a woman as magnificent as you is married.

I don't want to interfere with your day of romance.

I will wander our old haunts alone and return to my hotel in the ghostly embrace of our memories.

Adieu, Claire. Okay, cool. Bye.

Yeah. Let's go.

Alright, big day. Lots of plans. Mm.

First things first, getting into character.

Oh.

Claude Bixby, mustard magnate with a flair for...

Uh, Phil... Claude...

I-I love that you're doing all of this, but doesn't some tiny part of you feel guilty for ditching Guy?

I mean, he did wait for me for 30 years.

We could invite him for a glass of wine.

Fine.

But I'm warning you, if he gets out of line, Claude knows karate. Mm.

And Krav Maga. He's Jewish on his mother's side.

Ooh.

Let's go this way, to the museum.

Are you sure? I think they're expecting me back inside.

Make them wait.

Why do you think the brides arrive after everyone else?

You're the bride.

Yeah, I'm the bride.

Alright, let's... No, no, no.

You know what? It's this side.

So, tomorrow... No, no!

You know what? I'm sorry. It's this way.

Are you kidding me?! What?!

How beautiful!

Bonjour.

B-Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Hunh-hunh.

Oh.

Pardon. Excusez-moi.

Hunh-hunh!

Bonjour. Ooh.

Une table pour un, monsieur? Uh, ehh.

Oh, Claire, remember that time when we snuck into the cellar of that wine bar?

Oh, God, we were so crazy and so young!

Not anymore. What's that, Grandma?

She's a grandma now.

Oh! Well, there's nothing more beautiful than a life creating life, which in turn...

Creates more life.

Well, uh... Claire and I should get going.

I was hoping to get up to Sacre Coeur to get a view of the whole city.

No need.

I have a rooftop garden suite at The Peninsula.

It's the best view in town.

How perfect is this?

Frustratingly!

Alright. Here we go.

Let's see here.

Oh.

Bonjour.

In a few minutes, I'm going to be performing in the square.

Je m'appelle Fizbo.

Lui, c'est Fizbeau.

What? He is Fizbeau!

Fizbeau, okay?

Guy, this suite is so beautiful.

I think the last time we were in Paris, we had a franc between the two of us.

Oh, God! Who's Frank?

I've been lucky in business, less so in love.

I guess it's turned me into a workaholic.

I must be in the office 10, 12 hours a week.

Shall we have some champagne?

Uh, no, thank you.

I'm not really in the mood for champagne.

Lucky for us, because there are only two glasses.

Ah. Allow me to make a toast.

To Phil. Aw.

For allowing me to spend a bit more time with the most generous lover I've ever...

Okay! I see what you're doing here.

The champagne, the hotel suite, that carousel ride.

You two stopped laughing every time I circled around.

I'm sorry, buddy, but it's not gonna happen.

Phil's right. I'm a married woman.

There will be no romance on this trip.

I'm sorry. I've been a fool.

I guess I let myself indulge in a fantasy more than I should.

Please, let us all pretend this... never happened.

Wait.

Was that Poulanc's misdirect?

Indeed.

Oh.

A fellow prestidigitator?

Yes!

Put her there.

Your watch, sir?

Looking for this? What?!

Oh, no way!

We should bounce.

Tell me you're going to visit Le Musée des Magiciens while you're here.

Ohh. The Museum of Magicians?

I'm dying to go, but they're closed Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays... and Mondays and Wednesdays.

Not if you know the owner.

I can get us a private tour.

Sweet! Claire, what do you say?

We can pretend to saw you in half.

Or just do it.

Hello. Hi. Hi. Excuse me.

Why are you dressed like that?

Imposteur!

Tu es un imposteur!

You're... You're the imposteur... if that word means what I think it means.

He'd stolen Fizbo.

The whimsically mismatched plaids, my trademark bold splash of pink, my blue lip!

He'd clearly seen one of my online clown tutorials!

Hey, guys. Fizbo again.

Just remember when you're applying your rouge to go easy.

You're an Auguste clown, not a tramp.

You know what? Give me the jacket.

Oh! I...

I should've seen that coming.

Donne moi ce mouchoir!

Touché, monsieur! You know what? Give me my wig.

And that's when it hit me.

Ooh!

"The Clowns of Europe."

I got this when I was a teenager.

It was my "Sergeant Pepper's."

Clown after clown pushing the envelope, including Fizbeau.

B-E-A-U!

Here, I thought I'd come up with the idea, but he was right.

I was the imposteur.

If that's the word.

For my high school language requirement, I took auction-calling.

Isn't Napoleon's tomb spectacular?

Just so you know, when I go, I-I don't need all this.

Look. That's Manny over there.

No, no.

I'll go get him.

How did it go?

Are they giving Jay an award?

No. They said it would set a very dangerous precedent.

And in perfect English.

Turns out this whole misunderstanding was completely avoidable.

We need to figure out something.

Jay can never find out that Earl got an award instead of him.

Wow.

Look at this place.

The craftsmanship, the architecture.

They say the domed ceiling acts as a whisper chamber.

What does "whisper chamber" mean?

It means I heard everything you just said.

I have to turn my TV up to 40, but that was loud and clear!

Ah.

Hunh-hunh.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

Ah. Merci.

Oh.

It was easy to fit in.

All I had to do was look good and have a lot of attitude.

Paris was just like one big gay bar.

Et voilĂ . Ah.

Votre pigeon, monsieur.

"Pigeon"?

Notre spécialité.

Ah. Bon appétit.

Yah.

Yaaaaah.

No. I can't... I can't do it.

I can't do it. I'm not French.

And I-I'm not eating that.

This scarf is driving me crazy!

E-Excusez-moi...

Cheeseburger, that way.

Cool. Thanks, man!

Wow.

It's amazing how much magic they got out of those old wands.

Today, magicians have it so easy, you know?

Oh, yeah.

Well, this basically feels like a natural breaking point, for me, at least.

Uh, Phil and I should probably... you know?

If you must, but our tickets also get us to Le Musée des Automates.

They're like robots, but very primitive.

They basically do nothing.

Um, like the one I built out of old mufflers?

Can we, Claire?

Oh, yes, can we, Claire?

Excuse me.

Hey, Gloria. What's up?

I have a problem.

Yeah, so do I.

Apparently, I'm into nerds.

It's Jay.

He's not getting that award.

What?!

It was some kind of mistake, he found out, and now we can't find him.

Oh, my God. Okay, I-I'll be right there.

Are you sure it's okay?

Uh, yeah, it's more than okay.

Hey.

Hey.

H-How did you find me?

Well, you're pretty easy to spot.

Look, I-I'm sorry I overreacted, okay?

If you want to be Fizbo, be Fizbo.

I can never be Fizbo again.

Fizbo is dead.

Oh, you're a moving target.

Look, I ran into the real Fizbo today, and he squirted me in the face with water and hit me in the head with a book.

What?!

See, here, I thought I had created this special, unique thing, but I'm the one that's been a fraud all this time!

I'm throwing the suit in the river!

Wait.

That's littering. There's a trash can right over here.

Wait!

Look, I-I gotta say, um...

I don't... I don't think you stole anything.

What do you mean?

Well, you said he hit you in the head with a book.

I mean, I thought Fizbo was all about joy.

He is. He's the embodiment of childlike innocence.

Exactly.

Fizbo would never resort to violence.

This guy doesn't sound like Fizbo to me.

Well, he sure looked like him.

Fizbo's more than just a-a pair of big shoes and an... un-sexy jacket.

He... He's an idea.

If I've learned anything today, it's that clothes do not make the man... or the clown.

And you are the real Fizbo.

You mean it? I know.

Now, come on.

Let's enjoy Paris. It's Valentine's Day.

Mwah.

Come on.

Where did you get this crazy get-up?

People are gonna stare.

So... what was your favorite part of the robot museum?

Oh, man.

I can't decide. You go first.

No, you'll just copy me.

I do that.

Well, let's, uh, let's just say it at the same time.

On three.

One, two, three.

The mechanical monkey band.

Le jinx! Jinx!

Double jinx.

Ohhhh.

Pour vous deux.

O-Oh, my God. It's a painting!

Of us!

Merci.

Merci beaucoup. Merci.

Is my... hand on yours?

Yeah, but I-I don't... think we did that.

Well, um, I better... better go find Claire.

Of course. Yes.

Okay. W-Weird. I guess this is goodbye.

You... You should have this.

Keep it.

You'll give it to me in 30 years.

In our café.

I'll be there.

Au revoir... Guy.

Hey.

I talked to Gloria.

Thought I might find you here.

It's a shame, Notre Dame.

The fire.

Yeah.

It used to be so impressive back in its day.

It's still pretty impressive.

Just a shell of its former self.

Best days are behind it.

It'll never be the same.

It's taken some hits, but it's still standing, and that's... that's grit.

That's what inspires people.

That's what inspires me.

It's so embarrassing.

The whole reason the family's here is to see me get that damn award.

Oh, Dad!

You and I are the only ones in this family who care about closets.

We're here because we love you.

Come on. Let's go get ready for that dinner.

45 years is a long time to spend in one industry, and I've accomplished a lot.

The whisper hinge brought serenity to the American bedroom.

My glow knobs revolutionized getting dressed in the dark.

And I led the charge to standardize the angle of shoe racks.

But the thing that I'm... that I'm proudest of... is my family.

Thank you for being here.

I love you all.

You're my lifetime achievement award.

Oh! Thanks, Dad. That's so sweet.

We love you, too.

We love you, Jay.

Claire Pritchett?

Jean-Luc?!

I had a lot of fun here in college.

What are you doing here?

Um... how are you?