Modern Family S11E14 Script

Spuds (2020)

Good night, Triangle. Good night, Square.

Thanks for showing us how fun it is to learn.

Do you want to get their pajamas, or should I...


Next, "Blood Orgy 7: Rise of the Organ Hoarder."


Oh, my God!



Are you Daniel Boone?

Who's asking?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I just came to see Kentucky, the fifth-largest tobacco producer and the third-largest coal producer in the country.

I feel like I am there.

The only thing more painful than children's theater is what's going on with my back right now.

Why can't you take the pills that the doctor gave you so that you can enjoy your son's tour de force?

I just need a little stretch.

Doctors give you pills for everything today.

Now we need a volunteer.

Mr. Pritchett, thank you for your enthusiasm.

What? One of our players has been kidnapped by his stepfather, but the show must go on.

Place a star on the flag every time a territory becomes a state.

Seriously, but do the police...

How 'bout a round of applause?!

Faster, please. We're losing them.

Where are you?

You're missing Joe's tribute to the 50 nifty United States.

I'm at home in bed with the worst cold.

Afraid the whole family's down.

Might've even lost a few house plants, yeah.

Okay, well, I'm gonna get some rest now.

Alright. Take care.

Aah! Phil!

You told me you sold your dad's RV!

And you told me you were running your 5-mile loop!

This street is on your 3-mile course, so who are you really mad at, Claire?

Gloria, we are so sorry, but we're not gonna be able to make it to Joe's play.

No, no, Ronaldo's mom, she had... well, she had emergency surgery, and, uh, he and Pepper dropped off their Great Danes to our place with no warning.

No! No, stay away from that! Not the vase!

Sorry, Gloria. I gotta go.

You couldn't just say you had a cold?

Oh, yeah, and Abe Lincoln, he could've said, "87 years ago," and Hamlet could've said, "Maybe I'll kill myself."

No, it's the finishing touches that separate the merely good from great, Mitchell!

Sweetie, I know you're really tense about this...

No, no, no! Don't jinx it, don't jinx it!

Cam is up for head coach at the University of Nor... Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup!

Bup, bup!

Cam is up for head football coach at the University of North Central Missouri.

It's his dream job, and they're supposed to call him about it today, and it's making him a little crazy.

In f-fact...

C-Claire's always Dad's favorite, and I-I'm really miffed about that.

Oh, boy. This again, huh?

Okay. No, go on.

I'm ready. Oh, my God!

Honey, you look gorgeous! Look at her. Ah, sweetie! Oh!

Now, may I give you a piece of advice from my first date?

Don't say how much you want to have kids, and don't cry, because your makeup will run.

I'm more worried about my date running when he sees you two there.

You'll barely even notice us, okay?

Just be yourself. You are... You're so funny.

Okay, tell that funny story of the old drunk guy who was kissing the donkey.

Oh, because your family's perfect?

Okay. Oh, my God! That's it!

That's the job!

Where's my phone?! Where's my phone?!

This is the worst thing that could be happ...

Okay, it's just my mediation app.

Okay, you need to control your man.

If he gets bad news tonight and melts down in front of Randy, I can kiss "kissing him goodbye" goodbye.

Okay, no, I gotcha, I gotcha. Come on, let's go.

I understand we all get attached to things that belonged to our parents.

That's not it.

I'm doing this so you and I can have some adventures.

Can't you see yourself making lists and folding shirts while we drive across the Golden Gate Bridge?

We're never gonna use this thing.

It guzzles gas, and it takes an hour to park.

Well, then leave it here.

You've always wanted a guest house.

Not one with seat belts at the dining table.

No discussion, Dylan.

We're taking them to see a baby psychiatrist.

Are you still talking about that crazy movie?

Well, it messed them up!

We took them to the park.

Swing set... bored.

Cute squirrels... snore.

Then an old lady walking her poodle trips and gets dragged through a rosebush, and these two burst out laughing like two stoners in a tickle fight.

I'm sure you're both overreacting the way all new parents do.

No, Mom, we're screwing this up.

At the very least, we need help, like... like an au pair or something.

That's two nannies, right?

Correct. Okay.


Look at how gentle they're being with that butterfly.

See? You two were worrying for no...

They're tearing it apart. Oh God!

What do you say we leave the babies with Farrah and the grown-ups go out and talk about this over dinner?

Great idea. Oh! Four people, though.

Try fitting that in a regular car.

Wait a minute.

What if we took the R... You kidding me?!

Remind me to buy some wheel blocks!

Oh, God. Lily needs my help.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm... I'm trying to get her to tell that funny donkey story.

By making an Eeyore sound?

You know what? Not all donkeys are depressed.

That's an offensive stereotype perpetuated by a bunch of ignorant Iowans.

Oh, my God! My phone's buzzing!

It's just Longinus.

Yeah, we know. You met Marie Osmond at a Five Guys.

Nobody cares.

My friend said we should try the potato.

Lily! Hey, guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

Hey. Hi!

Hey, guys! What are you doing here?

Oh, just taking a break from scarring our children.

Now, come on.

Haley and Dylan were having a little bit of a meltdown, and we thought we'd hit Spuds one last time before they close for good.

I know. It's sad, isn't it?

Remember we used to spend all of our birthdays here... Yeah!

...and Spuddy Holly would always sing to us. Yes! Oh.

♪ Scalloped, fried, or lyonnaise ♪

♪ Spuds' potatoes amaze ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪ I want to stress that I'm adopted.

Why don't we leave the lovebirds to their date?

Good idea, but you know what?

Spuds is better with more people, much like a vehicle.

Let's... Let's see if they can sit the rest of us together.

Okay, yeah. Alright. Okay.

I'd been following Cam's competitor for the coaching spot on Instagram, and...

...he beat Cam out for the job, which meant, any minute, Cam would be getting the devastating news himself.

And I-I-I couldn't rely on the joyful environment of Spuds to cushion the blow.

Although, it is famously where Larry King broke up with four of his wives.

Cam. Cam.

I-I-I just got some bad news, and I think it's best that you hear it from me.

Oh, I heard.

They're out of the Impossible Potato.

Now, I'm sorry, you advertise the first potato made entirely of meat, ya better have enough for everyone.

Please just take those pills.

You're more crooked than General James Wilkinson during the Louisiana Purchase.

We're down to the last state.

It's actually better if I move.

Wow. This is gorgeous.

What do you call this place, again?

Pearl Harbor.


Save the flag, boys!

Haley, get off your phone.

The babies are fine with Dylan's mom.

If you're feeling tense, my dad's old foot bath is in the RV.

Plugs right into the cigarette lighter.

Honey, there could be a money volcano that plugs right into a white wine fountain in there.

I still wouldn't want it.

I keep remembering things I forgot to tell her.

My kids are already sociopaths.

I don't need to give them a strawberry allergy on top of it.

Oh, I completely, totally get that.

Just gonna turn this off.

You know what? Hey, let... let's all turn off our phones. Come on.

Yeah, you can... No, come on. Live in the moment.

I mean, appreciate the fact that we live in a town with family and friends all sitting at the same table where...

Oh, yeah, "Eisenhower planned the D-Day invasion."

Well, that's probably not true.

Sounds like somebody's nervous about a possible move to Missouri.

No, I'm... I'm just pointing out that there are a lot of really great things here.

Like... Like, wouldn't it be a shame to cut that blossoming relationship short?

Actually, I'm not so sure how much I trust that Randy guy.

I mean, what kind of sicko is attracted to a 12-year-old?

I wonder if his parents messed him up, too.

You know, I read on a mommy blog that bad parenting is a direct link to future criminality... and deejaying. Okay, you know what?

You two need to be careful because you can read so much about how to parent, you miss out on being one.

Mitchell struggled with that.

Just relax.

Aww, sweetheart.


Did you put hair spray in this? Just a little bit, yes.

I'm gonna put some music on.

No, Cam, I have to go work. Dance with her!

Come on. I don't have time for this. Put a little boogie in it.

No, come on, it... ♪ Stand up Just dance. You know you love this song.

Alright. Okay.

Who's the dancing queen, huh?

...all over town Put a little boogie in it.

See? Fun.

Oh, my... Was that her head?

Sorry. I forgot how that story ended.

It ended with us in the ER of one of the best hospitals in the world.

Nice having that only a mile away.

I'll have you know that the life expectancy in Missouri just climbed above Arkansas and Guam.

Okay, give me back my phone. I'm ordering baby helmets.

Stop worrying.

Kids get bonked all the time.

Do you know how many tumbles Luke took?

I think he wants to go out.

Good boy!

Smart dog.

I hate to break it to you, but I think all dogs can do that.

I'm gonna play outside.


What happened?

And he's fine.


I love the guy, but we're aiming a little bit higher than Luke.

Haley, you kind of want your kids to get knocked around a little.

It toughens them up for things that we all go through in adulthood.

Daddy wins!

Do you believe in miracles?!

USA! US...

Oh, no!

Oh, geez!

Oh, my... What was that?

Was that a person that fell... I'm good!


Hey, Dad, think fast.

Aren't you being a little...

But this isn't an emergen...

Now it i-i-i-i-is!

I mean, sure, I can no longer taste salt, but...

I know that they're going to get bumps and bruises, but I'm talking about psychological scars.

I've had some experience with that myself.

Surpri... Oh, oh!

No! Oh!

No! No!

I'm sorry!

Nothing's happening! Oh, my God!

It still haunts her.

Not to be weird, but she still won't let me mention your names while we're making love.

Okay. Well, well, well.

Yes, well, well, well.

I see your cold is better.

Turns out it was, like, an allergy... thing.

And Pepper's Great Danes?

Oh, uh, well, you know, they're big dogs.

They... um, and they don't, uh, uh, live long.

So they're... they're dead.

I must look like Frederick Seward during the Alaska Purchase, because, apparently, you think that I'll buy anything.

Gloria, okay, okay.

We're s... We're sorry... We're sorry we lied to you, but if it makes you feel any better, Longinus took this really great photo of you at the Shakira concert the night that you missed Lily's clarinet recital because of pink eye.


I see that you've been waiting to spring that attack on me, just like Andrew Jackson in the Battle of New Orleans.

Is this my life now?

I'm gonna use the restroom.

Will someone order the table-side baked potatoes?

I mean, that's half of why you come here... for the show.

Public restroom, huh? Mm.

Shame he can't go in the privacy of his own car.

It's true. The RV does have a bathroom.

And a bolted-down Mr. Coffee, bear-proof undercarriage food bins.

And how many miles would you say is on it?


You're selling her on Craigslist?

And this isn't even a good picture!

This is her bad side!

Hey, look, I get the value of an RV, Claire.

There is so much natural beauty to explore here in California.

The Golden State!

Are you really trying to get out of moving to Missouri?

No, no!

Sounds like what we need is a Missouri Compromise.

Gloria, are you drugging Grandpa's Potato-tini?

You saw how bent over he is.

For some reason, he's scared of pills, and I can't watch him suffer anymore.

I hate it when they get cute with the bathroom signs.

Why would French fries mean ladies and baked potato gents?

Just throw one of them into a skirt.

So, uh, Dad, Gloria says that you won't take pills for your back?

I got to get this from all sides now?

I don't like what they do to me, alright?

They make me feel super...

Horny? Constipated?


You know, sometimes you can just ride out a pause, buddy.

Anyway, the pain got so bad, I broke down.

I took a couple in the men's room, which is the maximum dose, so strap in.


You know, I'm gonna miss this place.

Look, Spuddy Holly!

He just about said it all, didn't he?

"Scalloped, fried, lyonnaise.

Spuds' potatoes do amaze."

Four pills? Is he gonna be okay? He can handle it.

Dad lived through the closet scene in the '80s.

So did I.

Oh, my God. He's talking to Lily and Dylan!

I'm Dylan.

You know, Randy, you remind me of a young me, prowling Saigon with a Vietnamese beauty.

There was this one bar I used to... Let's go.

Let's get you some black coffee.

Peekaboo! George! Poppy!

Hello? Is anybody home?

What gives? Mister Napkin usually kills.

Who wanted coffee? Ah, here!

Ohh! Ohh!

They're laughing! See? They're psychos!

Ay! Sorry, mister. Are you okay?

I actually don't feel anything, which is even more scary.

Don't be scared to feel, buddy.

You could end up running away from an emotional situation with your kids, and those are always the most rewarding.

You ask me, you're lucky.

She dumped me by text while making out with her old boyfriend.

I broke down crying.

My charcoal ran like mascara.

I had to be comforted by the other team's mascot.


Aw, I'm not gonna lie to you.

It sucks, and sometimes it's got to suck for a while.

I just wish I could say some magic words or give you a hug, make it all go away.

In a way, he raised me.

Pull yourself together, man!

Haley, um, I think what your... chemically humanized grandfather is trying to say is that kids are built to last.

Sure, they... they go through stuff, but they survive, especially when you're around to help.

I miss him.


He was your first real boyfriend.

I keep expecting him to show up.

He used to come by at night, and I'd sneak out to see him.

Yeah, I know.

You knew?

His car is 30 years old and doesn't have a muffler.

And he honked.

I loved that car.

I know it hurts now, sweetheart, but that's how you know it was a relationship worth having.


Well, what happened?

Did he come back?


That was you, buddy.

I love this kid.

I remember when he was a baby.

We met my senior year of high school.

Who does everyone think I am?

You know, it's...

Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone.

But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth.

And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard.

And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old.

Until they grow up.

And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.


Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer.

I'm just saying it goes fast.

Like the expression...

"You never know the last time you pick up your kid."

The point we're making, Haley, is that it's natural to worry over your kids.

It... It just means that you love them.

So, I'm always gonna feel like I screwed them up somehow?

Kind of.

I mean, eventually, you'll be able to laugh at it... probably around the time that you're reassuring your own children that they didn't screw up their babies.


No, actually, thank you.

It's nice to know, as parents, that we can still have...


I miss picking up my little girl.

And it won't be the last time, damn it!

Oh! You want a piggyback ride, honey?

No. No. No.

You sure? Okay, I'm calling it.

Oh, my gosh!

Okay, this is it!



The French fries were only okay. Sorry about that.

Took a minute getting Jay to his car. Mm.

He saw a cloud that looked like his old football coach, and he didn't want to be alone. Ohh!

Turned out to be kind of a fun night, huh? Yeah.


By the way...

I got a response to my Craigslist ad.

Oh. Oh, that was fast.


Yeah, really nice couple, soon to be empty nesters... three kids, two new grandkids.

Wife's a little high-strung.

Husband's a bit of an oddball with an infectious lust for life.

They sound like weirdos. No sale.

Phil, I'm talking about us.

We should keep the RV.

That is amazing.

What changed your mind?

I think it was hearing all those stories tonight.

And the kids'll be gone soon.

We'll probably spend a lot of time on the road.

Might as well do it in the height of luxury... with a carpeted bathroom and a four-in-one game table.

You're incredible. Mm.

What did I do to deserve a wife cool enough to let me keep my dad's RV and his newborn parrot?

His newborn what? Mmmmmwah.

Honey, parrots live like 70 to 8... Mmmmmm.

That was not the call I was expecting.

Sweetie, I know.

I-I saw the other coach celebrating on Instagram, uh, drenching himself in Gatorade... in the house.

There was a rug. Who's gonna clean that up?

Not him, I bet.

I'm reading from your face that you didn't know until I just told you.

Now I'm just talking out of nerves.

Damn it! I...

I didn't get it?!

I mean, I know I'm hard to read, but I really wanted that job.

I'm so sorry. C-Come here.

Wait, is that why you were selling California all night long to me?

Because you wanted to soften the blow when I heard?

Yeah. Well, that is weirdly sweet.

I'll be there in a second. Okay.

Um... Just wanted to let you know the donkey story killed.

Ha ha! It totally broke the ice.

We've been having so much fun!

Oh, honey! I'm so happy!

Thanks. Me, too.

He asked if I could go outside and get ice cream.

Can I? O-Of course, yes.

But just make good choices about the toppings.

Don't get sprinkles. They're just wax.

Well, now, there's a small victory at least, right?

First date was a success, and we get an assist.

S... Uh, sorry... football term.

Eh, except it isn't.

Uh, by the way, what was that phone call you got?

Oh. Uh crazy.

Our adoption agency.

From years ago?

Y-Yeah, apparently, uh, they were migrating the database, and somehow, our profile got accidentally reactivated and... and somebody picked us.

Wait, picked us?

A-As in there... there's a baby?

I know. Wild, right?

W-Well, you... you told them no?

Well, it felt wrong until I talked to you about it, but, yeah, I-I'll... I will.

I'll tell 'em.

It was really fun telling those stories tonight.


Really puts losing a job in perspective.

You know, none of our best memories have anything to do with work.

They all have to do with that little girl right out there.

Well, you know, she's not so little anymore.

Oh. Oh, I think we're about to have a hand-holding moment.

You know, we got pretty good at this parenting thing, didn't we?

Um... so, uh, we... we have to tell the agency tonight?

Well, technically, we have 24 hours to, uh... decide.


Jay. I'm sorry.

I will never drug you again.

But it was so nice to see you so open and honest.

Yeah, I was a regular "Honest Abe."

Who's that?

It's probably good to be emotional every now and then.

I should probably practice letting it out without a pill.

Hey, I was proud of you in that show you did.

I love you!

I know. We had this conversation four times last night.


Um, maybe you should check your call history.

Oh, no.

You inspire me.

And I think I'm rude to you sometimes because I'm scared of that, Phil.

This is a long way of saying I think I finally have a best friend.

You inspire me.

And I think I'm rude to you somet...