Modern Family S2E1 Script

The Old Wagon (2010)

Honey, do you need me to move the car?

Oh, it's not in the way. Okay.

Oh, no. Iron cross.

She's going down. Oh, God. Phil.

You okay?

Yes, I am. I am okay.

Honey, why do we keep this car?

It's a classic. No, it just sits here.

And the seat belts don't work, the doors stick, it leaks fluids.

We haven't put fluids in it in 10 years.

Well, I'm gonna fix all that. You wait.

And then, uh, it's gonna be Haley's car.

Oh, we're not giving this car to Haley.

It's way too easy to fit a mattress in the back. Remember?

Oh, no. We're selling it. What?

Mm-hmm. Unless you don't think you can.

Really? Yeah.

Seriously? You can't.

You honestly think that's gonna work? You can't sell it.

You know what? You can insult a lot of things about me:

My hair, my voice, my balance board exercises.

But don't insult my selling. That crosses a line.

What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's 'cause I just sold it.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪

"While the spray-tanned starlet claims to be six weeks sober... sources down under say she has been barhopping like a coked-up kangaroo."

Ah, what's Daddy reading to you?

If I have to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar one more time, I will snap.

Oh, it's not that bad... I will snap!

So, um, I laid the toolbox outside and all the supplies are ready.

And I think we are good to go. Terrific.

Aren't you gonna change into a workingman's outfit?

No, I'm good, and I don't think workmen really call 'em "outfits."

We are building a princess castle for Lily.

It's something every father wants to be able to do for his daughter.

You know, and I... And I fancy myself as a bit of a castle designer.

I have done a few sketches.

Which we have archived.

So we can use the kit.

Mmm, yeah. Uh... The kit.

The kit. Which we're gonna do together.

I am petrified to do this with Mitchell.

He built a couple of theater sets in college or something... and now he thinks he knows everything about building.

Well, he doesn't.

Every home improvement project that we've undertaken has been a near-death experience.

Make the appetizers and then we'll be...

If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me... because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.

Manny, relax. She's not here yet.

You might wanna play it a little cooler.

You don't want to scare off your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend!

She's just coming over to study the life cycle of silkworms.

Oh, she's here. She's here! Okay, how's my hair?

I thought it was just a friend. I heard that.

I wasn't whispering.

Manny, open the door. Make her feel welcome.

Kelly, good morning. I'm glad you're here.

Um, this is my mom... Nice to meet you.

In my culture, mothers are very clingy to their sons.

In fact, the leading cause of death among Colombian woman is when their sons get married.

But I'm not like that. I just want my Manny to be happy.

Manny, why don't you give your friend Kelly an empanada?

Oh, no, thank you. I try to stay away from trans fats.

I'm sure one won't make a difference. They're Manny's favorite.

I think I'm going to stop eating trans fats too.

Hey, Mom, when was this from?

Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose Bowl.

Incredible game. Yeah.

Mom, you look really pretty.

Thank you, sweetheart. So what happened?

Well, Lukey, everyone gets older.

Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean...

I mean, what happened in the game?

We got our butts kicked by Penn State.

The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal.

Good time, she wrote.

Okay. Guys, let's get back to it.

No one's gonna buy this heap looking this way.

Ew. Mom, which one is the garbage can?

Um, it...

Honey, you can't throw that away. It's Blankety.

It's disgusting. No, sweetie.

You loved Blankety. You wouldn't go anywhere without him.

Yeah, until Luke threw up on it.

Yeah. I used to throw up all the time.

Remember Buckety? Oh!

Oh, look at this. What is that?

We went to the beach one day... and Luke had such a good time... that he wanted to bring home a jar of sunshine so he could always remember.

Do you remember, sweetie? Oh, no, no, don't... don't open it.

You really think you trapped sunshine in there?

I'm just letting you know now, I'm not taking care of him when you guys die.

Stop. It's sweet.

It still feels hot. Mmm.

Hey, it's that guy who came by earlier who was really interested.

What was his name? Shoot.

Well, you can't be in sales and not remember people's names.

That's why I like to use what they call "menimonic" devices... or little tricks to help you remember.

Um, like the other day, I met this guy named Carl.

Now I might forget that name, but he was wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt.

What's a band like the Grateful Dead? Phish.

Where do fish live? The ocean.

What else lives in the ocean? Coral. Hello, Carl.

I think it's "mnemonic."

I... I think I'd remember. Okay.

You can do it, Dad.

Okay. He looked like the drummer from Foreigner.

A foreigner's from France. France rhymes with ants. Ants ruin a picnic.

What's up, Nick?

Really? Really? Well, that's great.

Yeah, no, swing by anytime. We're here all day.


Guess what? You said I couldn't sell this?

Well, you're gonna be eating humble pie stuffed with crow... and a big side of sorry, 'cause I just did.

In your face, girl with the negative tattoo.

Honey, wait. No.

Whoa. Someone doesn't like to lose.

Honey. Honey.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

When I woke up this morning, I hated that car.

And even thinking about it made me mad.

But then when we were going through it... Blankety, all that stuff...

I just... The thought of that whole part of our life driving away...

We can keep Blankety.

No. Look at them.

Come on, a minute ago, they were babies.

And now they're driving, and soon we'll all be dead.

Whoa. You're leaving out a few great minutes there.

Retirement, old age... cool chair that goes up the stairs.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous.

Don't apologize. I love you when you're human.

Listen. Hey, listen.

We don't have to sell the car.

Oh, sweetie, of course we do. It doesn't make any sense to keep it.

Well, what can I do to make you feel better?

Nothing. Unless you can build me a time machine.

Honey, until someone can figure out how to keep a wormhole from collapsing in on itself... that's just a pipe dream.

Phil. Come on back, Phil.

Well, I found the...

I found the nail gun. Oh, yay.

Weirdest thing. It was wrapped in an old towel... stuffed in a box on the top shelf of the closet.

Well, just set it down on the counter.

Heads up! Oh, Dad, what are you doing here?

I'm, uh, just, uh, returning that Crock-Pot that Gloria borrowed.

Oh, yeah, I forgot you had that Crock-Pot, Jay.

Well, we're just getting ready to build Lily a princess castle if you...

Wanna help? Yeah, sure. Oh, well, if it's okay with you, Mitchell.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, Dad.

Oh, remember how much fun we had when we built that bookshelf together?

That was my Vietnam.

And I was in Vietnam.

Oh! Look at us.

Three construction dudes.

Dad, I'm gonna get you some workman gloves.

I have, uh, blue and camel. What's your preference?

Surprise me.

Wouldn't it be easier if we had all of our stuff in the same notebook?

You think? I mean, we're always going back and forth.

I'll just put my things in your notebook.

Who wants chocolate milk?

Sure, Mom.

So how is it going? Great!

Kelly's moving her stuff into my notebook.

This is sudden.

It just felt right.

Oh, you know what you should do?

Put a pinch of salt in the chocolate milk. It really brings out the flavor.

Salt is for the popcorn. That sounds good.

You wouldn't like it.

Maybe we should let Manny decide.

Okay. Here's the salt.

We'll see what he likes.

Wow! That's really good.

Try it, Mom.

I don't care for it.

It was delicious.

I finally got Lily down for a nap. Where is Mitchell?

He's not supposed to be unsupervised. Don't worry.

I got him in the garage, putting flags on the spires. Okay, perfect.

It works better that way. Nobody gets hurt, we don't have to put flags on the spires.


All right, let's get this roof on. It's supposed to snap right into place.

Hey, whatcha got going on over there, Jigsaw?

I thought that I would get started on the drawbridge while you guys worked on the roof.

You all done with the flags? Yeah. It took me like 15 minutes.

It was a lot easier than you made it out to be.

Do something, Jay. Uh, Mitch!


How about you make us some sandwiches?

No, we're in the middle of this.

I think Jay's saying why don't you go sort some bolts?

No, I sorted the bolts. All of them?

There were six. What-What's going on with you two?

Are you... Are you trying to get rid of me?

Uh, Mitch... Shh!

Oh, my God, you are. You're, like, in cahoots.

Mitchell, I get scared.

When you're around tools, honey, it's dangerous.

For me, for you, for our roses.

Works better this way, kid.

I mean, castle goes right up, nobody gets sliced in half.

Do you know how insulting this is? I was...

I was an intern at the Songbird Summer Playhouse.

Do you think that the town of Brigadoon just magically appeared?

Well, in the play, it did. But the set... the set was built with these two hands.

Mitchell. Mitchell... The von Trapp mansion. Evita's balcony. Okay. Okay.

Oh, where are you going? I'm going on a walk.

Oh, yeah, I can still do that by myself. Watch.

Oh, I hope I don't get hurt.

Oh, God. Who put that doorjamb there? I didn't see it.

I ran right into it.

Oh, no, I tripped. Walking is so hard.

That one didn't look like it was on purpose. It was!

Just a few more steps.

Oh, sorry. Step. Step.

Phil! Sorry. Sorry. It's gonna be worth it.

No, it's not. Don't listen to her.

And... Ow, ow, ow!

All right, don't struggle. Oh!

Stop struggling.


Great, it's our car. Not a car. Kids.

Time... What?

Tonight, Claire Dunphy, we are turning back the clock... to a simpler time when families piled into their station wagons... picked up some burgers and went on a picnic up to Granger Point.

Honey, we don't have to do this.

Listen to her. No. It's gonna be great.

I talked to, uh... France, ants, picnic... Nick... and he's not picking up the car till tomorrow.

We have one more night of family fun.

What's gonna be fun about it? Listen to him.

Only everything. Only nothing.

Okay, kids, you know what? Your father is trying to do something nice.

So I would appreciate if you would stop your whining and just get in the car.

Still does it! Oh, my! Come on, get it, get in.

I'm just sayin' the kid's gotta learn to let things go.

Well, this is a touchy subject for Mitchell.

He wants to feel like a regular Joe, like you and I.

Oh, pardonnez-moi! I prefer the champagne Dijon to the standard yellow.

You know, there are a few areas that define us as men... like sports and construction.

Mitchell just wants to feel like he's part of the man club.

Isn't that where you guys met?

I know you're making a joke because you're uncomfortable, so I'll let it slide.

And we met at an orgy. Ohh!

Come on.

I just think it's crazy, that's all.

So what if he can't swing a hammer?

Look at all he has done: law school, great career, providing for his family.

That's manly too, isn't it? I mean, the classical sense. Well, yes.

I mean, I think it also takes a big man to quit his career as a music teacher and raise a child.

You're a man too, Cam.

Thank you, Jay.

Wait! Garnish. We're men, not cavemen.

My great-great-grandfather helped build the Brooklyn Bridge.

I heard that until the day he died, every time he passed it... he was filled with such pride.

He'd say, "There's a little bit of me in that bridge."

I know that I'm not the handiest guy, but I'm still a man.

And I want to be able to look out into my yard and say...

"There's a little bit of me in that princess castle."

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no.

Oh... Oh, no.

Hey, Mom, Kelly's parents are on their way.

She invited me to go out to dinner and a movie with them.

Is that okay?

Oh, but I thought that you and I were going to the movies tonight.

You know, to see that one with Shia LaBeouf.

Well, maybe we can go to the movie another night.

Wh-What's wrong? No, nothing. Just my heart.

Okay, sue me.

I am a Colombian mother.

I'm not gonna let him make a mistake that is gonna affect him for the rest of my life.

His life.

Manny, I think we should talk about this Kelly girl.

Isn't she great? I think she really likes me.

Why wouldn't she like you, baby? Of course. Go. Have fun.

I'm gonna wear my burgundy dinner jacket.

Of course you are.

But I say we apologize and just finish the castle together like he wanted.

Did you hide the nail gun? Absolutely.

'Cause, I mean, you said that before. No, I...

Oh, my gosh. It's finished.

What the hell? Mitchell did that?

Yes. Yes. Mitchell did it. Who's the bitch now, bitches?

Honey, it looks beautiful. Well, yeah... because when you two were inside enjoying a little tea party...

I was out here... out here getting stuff done.

I'm sorry. We shouldn't have underestimated you.

You know he's stuck in there, right? Oh, yeah.

Uh, hey, kid, Cam and I are gonna crack a couple cold ones. You wanna join us?

No, no, you know what? I'm just gonna stay here and get some stuff done.

But you two ladies enjoy your light beers.

How you know we're having light beers? We only have light beers.

So, well, listen. Here is a hammer...

I don't need it. And this is a screwdriver... and you just come on in whenever you want to. I'm not gonna use it.

I'll be in... Yeah.

You sure we shouldn't get him out of there?

No, he would never forgive us. He's a very proud man, your son.

Bird! Bird! Bird!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Yeah, I'm pretty proud myself right now.

Oh, my God! Calm down.

Luke, honey, slow down. No one's gonna take your food away.

Wow, this place has really changed. Time marches on, huh?

See that Starbucks down there? You know what that used to be?

An orange grove? No, a Burger King.

You can still see some of the architecture.

Thank you for this. I really do feel better already.

You can go home again, Claire. Oh, sweetie.

My stomach hurts.

Luke, honey, I told you not to eat so fast.

Just sit back, relax, you're gonna be fine.

Ew! A spider! Haley!

Haley, honey, you're standing on the back of Daddy's seat belt.

Oh, soft cheeses, I can breathe again.

Wait, where'd the spider go? I really need some air.

Okay, Alex, lower your window.

I can't. It's stuck. I forgot about that.

Don't you throw up on me. Don't point him at me!

Here, I'll turn on the... Haley! Oh!

Oh! Oh, honey, I think that's the heat.

Dust in my mouth. It's happening!

Okay, grab a bag.

Oh, God! This smells like onions. My seat belt's stuck!

I'll help you. Oh, my God!

Spider! Sorry.


Oh, God! He's gonna blow, Mom!

I need Buckety! Okay, everybody get out of the car!

Our doors don't open! We got ya.

Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Get out. Get out.

Slow is smooth and smooth is fast, Dunphys. Nice and easy.


Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.

Don't look at him!

He's just gonna make you feel sick.

Oh, I looked! I looked! Oh, God.

Guys, the car!

Oh! I got it!

No! Oh, no!

Oh, no!

What's the plan, Phil?

At least I'm trying to do something. Dad, get off!

Come on, Phil, let it go! Let it go! Honey, let it go!

Honey, stop.

Oh, no! That's not...

It's all right. I'm just...

I'm just being realistic, but we're gonna need to lower the asking price.

Hi, papi. You're here so soon.

Yeah. I decided to skip the movie. Are you okay?

Yeah. Kelly didn't like my jacket.

Plus, she ordered for me.

Mmm. Did she let you hear the specials at least?

No. I don't wanna be with someone who doesn't get me.

Do we have any trans fats left?

Of course.

Besides, I think there's a girl I'd rather spend time with.

Oh, that's so sweet. I'm the luckiest mother in the world.

Hey, this is Manny. Is Alicia there? Who's Alicia?

She's a girl in my history class.

We like to play Six Degrees of Sir Francis Bacon.

You just tossed a woman aside then immediately you go to the next one?

No, I just... "I j-j-j-just," what?

This is not the way you treat woman! Men are all the same!

They break woman's hearts and they don't care!

Men are all animals!

Hey, honey. Animal!

The art of the sale is all about what you leave out.

"'83 classic wagon"...

Tough to find parts.

"They don't make 'em like this anymore"...

For legal reasons.

"Enjoyed for many years by one happy family"...

Of raccoons.

I'm kidding. Actually...

Actually, it did make us happy for a long time.

It's gonna be tough to say good-bye.

It always is. Nobody loves change.

But... part of life is learning to let things go.

I totally thought I was gonna puke on you.

I would have killed you if you did.

Like you killed that spider? Oh, you didn't see it. It was huge.

Remember the look on Mom's face when her seat fell down?

How about when Dad jumped on the hood of the car?

"What's the plan, Phil?"




Hey, we're in here. Oh.

Princess is in her castle. Hi.

How long have you guys been out here?

Oh, Cam, she can't get enough.

We've been in here for like two hours.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

And we did this for her. Mmm.

Need me to get you out of there? This thing is not safe, Cam.

Move to the back of the castle. Yeah. No. I know the drill.

Don't carry me out this time. I think it sends the wrong message to Lily.

Well, the neighbors enjoy it.