Modern Family S2E14 Script

Bixby's Back (2011)

So, honey, Ibiza can only take us at 6:30 tonight.

Great. I will meet you at Ibiza.

It's pronounced "lbitha," not Ibiza.

Oh! Thanks, honey.

That reminds me. This weekend I want to see that baby panda at the thoo.

Yeah. I'm the idiot.

This year, for Valentine's Day, we're gonna have a nice, quiet dinner at Ibiza.

Last year, we, um... we overreached a little.

We created sexy alter egos, Clive and Juliana... met in the hotel bar.

This one lost her panties in the lobby, in front of her dad...

Phil. Which was a little...

It was hard. It was hard for her.

You know I can't stand it when you use that word. Panties?

Ye... That... Yes. That word.

Sorry. She lost her underpanties.

So? So?

Well? Huh? So?

What's happening? Flowers.

Is someone pointing a gun at you?

For goodness' sake. Did you get the flowers Lily and I sent you?

Aw, that's so sweet. No. No, I didn't get anything.


Did you check with that assistant of yours?


Uh, did you get any flowers today?

No. Sadly, I'm without a valentine this year.

No. For Mitchell. The flowers are for Mitchell!

Oh, that's right. Oops.

Mitchell's assistant has a huge crush on him. He does not!

I think the only prudent thing to do is say, "You're fired."

Don't be jealous. He just looks up to me.

The thing about Mitchell is he can be naive.

He is completely unaware of how absolutely adorable he is.

Okay. Well, thank you, but I am aware when someone has a crush on me... and he does not have a crush on me.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪

I was a little concerned when they said they could only take us at 6:30, but...

I know. This house is on fire, right? Mm-hmm.

Now, this is how you do V-Day.

Except most of these people could have been here on V-E Day.

But it's classy, which we deserve. Yes, we do.

What were we thinking last year, acting like a couple of teenagers?

I know. Oh.

Hey, we've had our crazy Valentine's Days. We tore it up.

But you gotta know when to let that stuff go. Yeah.

All those kids out there... are just lookin' for something that we've already got.


I love you. I love you too.

Oh, my gosh!

Wow! Okay. I'm sorry. Are you all right?

Are you okay? Are you all right? I'm good. We're good.

It's my first day in one of these things. Hey, let me help you out.

How 'bout I park it over there for you, okay? Thank you.

Here's your valet ticket.

I'm kidding actually. That's my valet ticket.

All right. Let's see.

Lefty loosey. Righty tighty.

Hey. Wow.

All right. Hey!

This is fun, Claire. You gotta try this.


He's a natural. Thank you.

I know Phil and I are gonna grow old together some day.

This thing needs mirrors.

But today is not that day.


Hello. May I speak to Clive?

I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong number. Bye-bye. No, uh...

I got disconnected. Would you mind redialing?


Hello, Clive. This is Juliana.

Look, lady. Please stop calling me. This is...

No, no, no, no. No, Phil, Phil, Phil. Don't hang up.

Claire? No, no, no. Not Claire.


And you're Clive Bixby. Remember?

We met at the hotel bar last year.



Now, make up some lie, ditch that wife of yours... and meet me at our hotel in 30 minutes.

You think you can manage that?

Baby doll, I've been lying to my wife for 16 years.

Okay. See ya.

So, champagne?

Um, actually, Claire, something's come up... so... gotta go.

You're not ditching me here on Valentine's Day. Screw that. Sit.

But... Wh... Oh, okay.

We'll... We'll stay.

Phil. Oh, that's part of it?

So hot.

Claire. I'm leaving. Deal with it.

So no one walks anymore!

Should be just a few more minutes.

When is our reservation? Here's the thing.

Ay, no. Not "the thing." I hate "the thing."

My secretary screwed up and didn't get us one. Don't worry.

I'll slip the guy a few bucks.

What kind of idiot messes up two Valentine's in a row?

Not this idiot.

Two months ago I booked a private chef, musicians, the works... for a romantic dinner at home.

I just had to get the senorita out of the house while they set up.

This is 50 bucks. Do not give us a table.

What's the money for?

You also must refuse my wife. She's very persuasive.

Just a couple more minutes.

So we don't get the table at the fancy restaurant... which drives Gloria crazy.

Jay, why you no be no more romantic to me?

We walk in the door and... bam!

She looks like a big idiot.

And isn't that what Valentine's Day is all about?

Jay, come here. We're in.

Huh? Your secretary didn't forget. Look.

Pritchett for two.

Just a reminder: I need the television at 8:00.

Jeremy and I have a phone date to watch Love Actually.

That's the lamest plan ever, and I'm jealous.

So my boyfriend, David, blows me off on the most romantic night of the year... to study!

This is the worst Valentine's Day...

Best Valentine's Day ever!

David stands up Haley, and old boyfriend Dylan is out of the picture.

I'm not saying I miss Dylan, but at least he was romantic.

David never sent me a jar of his own tears.

I'm playing the long game here.

Like me today, love me tomorrow.

She's had the romantic. She's had the intellectual.

How 'bout all that in one fine little brown package?

I've hit a new low.

You can talk to me.

And I'm lower.

Just pickin' up some things. I am not here.

Name tags. Name tags. Name tags.

Come on! Bingo.

I know what to do.

Dylan's been texting me again.

I bet if David knew that, he'd come running right over here.

Wait. Before you start playing these games... let me ask you one simple question.

Who is Haley Dunphy?

Don't do it, Haley! Stop following me.

Let me just say my piece! No!


You can be the Haley who defines herself as David's girlfriend... or Dylan's girlfriend.

Or you can be your own Haley.

Maybe you haven't met her, but I know her.

She's an amazing person.

So when you're ready, I'd like to introduce you.

Cameron! Is there something I can do you for?

No. I just came by to pick up my man. I'm taking him to Ibiza tonight.

Oh, I've heard good things about Ibiza.

But I'm afraid he may have to meet you there. He's in the middle of a meeting.

On Valentine's night? I didn't realize when I scheduled it. It's my fault.

Gasp. I'm shocked.

I could drop him off at the restaurant as soon as they wrap it up.

Oh. Aren't you a dear.

I'd like to mount your head in my trophy room.



Have I upset you in any way?

Oh, please. Let's not play this game.

We both know what's going on.

Have I been that obvious?

Uh, the flowers that don't get delivered.

The Valentine's Day plans that get interrupted.

Do I really need to spell it out for you? Me, Mitchell... wedge.

Don't hate me.

It's just so hard to see someone else have something you want and can't have.

Does Broderick have a crush? Yes.

On someone he frequently sees at the office? Yes.


Does that man have red hair and a beard?

No. But his boyfriend does.

It's me. The crush is on me.

This is you?

Oh! Did I validate you?

Oh, yes.



Appletini? It was.

You're looking handsome as ever, Clive.

As are you, Juliana. You look hot enough to cook a pizza on... in.

I see the speaker business is treating you well.

I don't like to talk about money. Oh.

But I have exactly $10 million. Hmm.

Minus the cost of your next drink.

T... Two. Just two appletinis, please.

Thank you so much.


Why do I get the feeling you're not really a salesman?

Oh. Pretty and smart.

Or should I say "pretty smart"?


I might do some high-risk work for Uncle Sam... that takes me clear around the country.

Hmm. So you could say you're a national man of mystery.


Never did catch what you do. Didn't you?

Surprising, I know.

I'm usually pretty good at catching things from women in bars.

Well, Clive, I am just a bored housewife with a dark side... and an hour to kill.

Is that what I think it is?

It's not a gift card.

Or maybe it is.

I'll be upstairs, Clive.

Don't take too long.

I never do.


Jay, relax. I'm sorry. The place is a dump.

It's beautiful. Nothing good on the menu.

You see the hands on our waiter? Looks like he's been birthing hogs.

Let's just get out of here. I don't know what's wrong with you tonight.

But I'm hungry. I look fantastic. We're staying.

Five-course dinner waiting at home, and she's strapping on the feed bag at Ibiza.

But then an angel from heaven saved the night.

You took our reservation. "Pritchett for two" is us.

Come on. Let's go. Move your bottom. Come on, come on!

A big gay angel.

Hello. Hello, Clive.

How close are you?

I am right outside your door.

Oh! Are you ready?

Oh, I'm ready.

I don't think you are, 'cause I can still hear your pants.

Well, maybe I should just shut them up.

I'll be out in a minute.

So will I.


Clive. Where are you?

You have to come find me.




I give up. Where are you?

I'm right here on the bed.

Phil, what room are you in? Who's this "Phil"?

Seriously, what room are you in?

I'm in 702.

I'm in 226. What?

Well, whose room is this then?

There's been a tiny mistake.

By the way, I need to apologize to you.

I'm sorry I got so silly with all that Broderick stuff earlier.

No. Please do not worry about it.

Cam. I like it when you get a little jealous. Cut it out.

As long as we can agree he does not have a crush on me.


So, to us. To us.

He does not have a crush on you. No.


Why do I feel like you're hinting at something?

Mitchell, we have talked long enough about Broderick's crush.

Which he does not have. On you.

Oh, my God. What? Okay, fine.

Since you won't let it go, your assistant is hot for me.

That's why he's been playing the saboteur.

And you're sure it's not because he wants me? You just said he didn't.

I was protecting your feelings. He hugged me in the elevator.

Well, pick out china and move to Vermont.

He said it kills him to see someone else have something he wants.

Yes, yes. You're the someone, and I'm the something.

Okay. All right. Call him.

Call him? Call him.

Why don't we go to his house... stand on opposite sides of the room and see which one he runs to?

You get the check. I'll get the car.

We are not going over there. And we're not calling him.

Cam. Who cares which one of us he has a crush on?

The important thing is, I have a crush on you.

And I wouldn't blame Broderick if he did too.


That's so sweet. l...

I wouldn't blame him if he had a crush on you either.

Aw. Good.

"Good" what? Just "good."

"Good," meaning we're done with this... or "Good," meaning you still think he has a crush on you?

Oh, Cam!

The second one. I'm getting the car.

Would you please just come in the house?

You had the whole year to plan, but you don't make an effort.

I am the second wife, Jay. Why do you treat me like I'm the first?

Talk about it inside. Where you going?

I'm gonna take a ride. I need to cool down.

Just come in the house. I promise you'll feel better. I don't want to go in there.

You're gonna like it better inside. Don't hold me back!

I'm sorry about this, honey. I'm sorry.

Jay, what are you doing? Are you crazy?

¡Ay! ¡Se me va a romper la media, oye!

What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?

No. But you're about to.

Happy Valentine's Day!

What the hell?


Honey. I'm going for a drive.

I had a whole private dinner planned. I don't know what happened.

But I do.

I know exactly what happened!

No, you don't. l...


What the hell?

I win!

I see you sneaking around, trying to trick me.

So when I figure it out, I move the party over here and I trick you!

I win! What do you mean, you win?

I know you think I think you're not romantic... but I think you think I'm not smarter than you.

So now we know. You are romantic, and I'm smarter than you.

And I bought you a motorcycle.

My God. It's fantastic!

I win again!

Honey, I love all this, but you can't win Valentine's Day.

I mean, you defeat the whole idea if you make it into some silly competition.

Shut up. I win.

♪♪ Let's go.

So we're doing this? Oh, we're doing this.

Oh, it's gonna be me. I'm already embarrassed for you.

All right.

Oh, wait. What?

Oh, it's a text from Broderick. Read it.

"Mitchell, by now I'm sure Cameron has told you... what happened in the elevator." Mm-hmm.

"While I meant every word I said, I realize how unprofessional I was.

Please accept my resignation.

What you have with Cam is very special... and I would never forgive myself if I came between you.

Treasure each other. Sincerely, Broderick."

Wow. Oh, Cam. What are we doing here?

I don't know.

Maybe if some assistant's crush is so important to us... it means we should appreciate each other a little bit more.

Well, I can't think of a better time to start. Come here.

Mmm. Ahhh.

The great thing about that text is we don't have to know which one of us he wanted.

I know.

I know.

I know.

What are you doing?

Valentine's Day isn't over yet, Juliana.

Sweetie, let's not push it. You almost got arrested tonight.

That's how it's gonna be? You're just givin' up on us?

I am not giving up on us.

I'm giving up on Clive and Juliana.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I know a couple people who could possibly save this night.

Hmm. Maybe you've heard of 'em.

Two American kids doing the best that they can.

Phil and Claire Dunphy.

I am not going back to that hotel tonight, and I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to.

Don't need to. Phil and Claire have a bedroom... which they can turn into a hotel whenever they want.

But the kids. They're not expecting us home this early.

So... you up for a little adventure...


Do you think you can handle it...


Shh. Shh. Sorry.

"I can't be the girl you want me to be, David.

I can only be me. Good-bye.


Send it.

I don't know. Here. I'll help you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!


That feels really good. Because you're free.

And really scary. I haven't been single since I was nine.

That's why you need to take your time now.

Really get to know yourself before you make any decisions.

Five, six years maybe.

Years? I have to call David.

The boy who tossed you aside on Valentine's Day?


You deserve better, Haley.

A dreamer, a poet.

Wait for him. He may be closer than you think.

♪ I'm the bread without your butter ♪ Do you hear music? Yes.

And the fact that you hear it too...

Is that Dylan?

♪ Who could make me feel this fine ♪ Oh, my God!

♪ So here's my broken valentine ♪

♪ Imagine me naked ♪

♪ I imagine you nude ♪ Am I a bad enough parent to ignore that?

You are.

You're really bad.

♪ Without my best friend ♪ You know, the old Haley would have...

I love you, baby!

Haley! Oh!


¡Salud, Jay!

Mmm. Oh-oh! Ow!

Phil? There's my back.

Oh. Oh. No. Keep the change.

Oh, thanks.

Did you put an extra tiramisu in here?

Maybe. Ryan! Again?

I just like coming here.

I tell you, if you were single... Oh!