Modern Family S2E17 Script

Two Monkeys and a Panda (2011)

How many have ordered DVDs and haven't paid?

Claire. Uh, yeah.

I could stop by on my way to school. It's really important.

Um... Uh, Cheryl, can I call you back?

Okay. Great. Bye. Yes, Phil. What?

I was going through your drawer in the bathroom looking for some lip stuff...

'cause my... Lips were dry.

God, you know me. Phil.

Remember the spa certificates we got at the children's hospital auction?

Mm-hmm. Well, look at this. They expire tomorrow.

Oh, well, what are you gonna do?

Claire, I don't think you're grasping the magnitude of this package... valued at over $250.

Sweetie... If you don't use 'em... then all our money just goes to charity.

Somewhere between dropping off Alex at orchestra and picking up Luke from practice... oh, and burning a bunch of DVDs of the talent show...

I'm gonna what, pop in for a quick salt scrub?

I thought Cheryl was doing the DVDs.

She's supposed to, but somehow she's got me doing it.

Here's what you do. You say, "Cheryl, no can do today.

Need a little me time." Have you met Cheryl?

That'll be my new nickname. I'll be Claire "Me Time" Dunphy. It's not worth the headache.

Just say you're sick. Then I'll run into her and it'll be a whole thing.

If that happens, say you were on your way to the pharmacy.

Phil, darling, no. Not helping.

Fine. I'll give them to Florence Gunderman at work.

Her hands are gross ever since she took up the banjo.

Hey, Mom, I need some money for lunch. We're all gonna go...

Oh, my God! Take off my sweater! Mom, tell her to take it off!

Alex, take it off.

Last week she wore my sweatshirt without asking. That is true.

Oh, please, that was an honor for your stupid old sweatshirt.

It was the first time the top half got any exercise.

Now, Mom, that's my favorite sweater. I just got it.

You know what you girls need to learn to do? You need to learn to share.

Because that's what sisters do.

All right, Haley, nothing's gonna happen to your sweater.

Right, Alex? Hmm?

Okay, fine.

Then I will just go put on your favorite nerdy T-shirt... the one with the guy from Back to the Future on it.

That's Albert Einstein. And it is not nerdy.



Hey, Daddy. How was the farmer's market? Well, it was great.

But guess what the new spinach is. Um, radicchio?

Kale. No!

I know. I was just as blown away as you are.

Oh! Well, I guess we're going to have to adopt... yay... a new attitude towards kale.

Maybe we'll even adopt... a new vinaigrette.

Adopt. Yay!

Okay, what's going on here?

I'm taking the negative charge out of the word "adopted." Yay.

What did Oprah do now?

She had a girl on who at 16 found out that she was adopted... and felt betrayed and ran away and became a stripper... and not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind.


All right, go get your gavel, Judge Judy.

No, not at all. I'm adopting... Ah... a tolerant attitude toward your flights of lunacy.

Adopting! Yay!

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪

Alex, come on. Hurry up. The later we are, the more Cheryl texts me to do.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Tell me again why the violin just wasn't you. It's too happy.

Oh, my God. Okay, hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Let's see.

It might not be a big deal. Here we go. Let's see. Oh! Okay.

Is it bad? No, it's gonna be fine.

You're gonna be okay.

Oh, honey.

Hey, I forgot my phone. Hi.

What? Nothing. I love you.

So weird. You better not spill anything on that. Okay, dork?

Relax. Half the 11 th grade's been inside this sweater.

More than anything...

I want my girls to stop fighting and be close.

I want them to share clothes and do each ether's hair and gossip about boys... like I used to do with Mitchell.

Gloria, let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Hey, Jay, have you noticed a spring in my step?

Oh, kids say cruel things. That doesn't mean you'll turn out that way.

No. We have something in common. I'm seeing a younger woman.

How much younger are we talking about? Thirteen months.

Her name's Chloe.

She makes me feel like a fifth grader again. Good for you, kid.

Mmm. There they are... my two dirty old men.

Hey, pretty soon you're gonna be north of 40... and I'm gonna have to trade you in for a newer model.

Am I right, buddy? That's my mother, Jay.

You ready?

It's such a beautiful day. Why do we have to do this?

Because when this thing is behind us, we never have to think about it again.

Come on.

I went to a funeral last Saturday... and it got me thinking about where Gloria and I were gonna end up after we die.

Yeah, it's been a fun week. I don't like loose ends. So I made a few calls.

I found these people selling a couple of primo plots in the best cemetery in town.

Not that I'm gonna go there anytime soon.

Don't be so sure.

With all that bacon that he eats.

Well, I gotta give my cholesterol pills something to do.

Mmm. Mmm. I don't care how much they promote it.

Kale is a garnish. It's not ready to anchor a meal.

Look at this. Oh, my God!

Lily's little hat that we bought her at the airport in Vietnam.

Remember how cute she looked? Remember how I used to wear it... and walk around and act like I had a giant head? Mm-hmm.

That was good acting. Oh!

What are you doing? I'm putting together a scrapbook of how Lily became ours.

Her adoption certificates and pictures of her from her village... all out in the open, so she has nothing to be ashamed of.

You leaving that on all day? And I'm also gonna write a little storybook... something I can read her at bedtime... called "Two Monkeys and a Panda."

Oh. She's the panda because she's Asian.

And we're monkeys because... I can draw monkeys.

Okay. Well, I think this is a great project... and I believe you are gonna finish it.

Oh, my God! What?

Lily's adoption certificate.

Her name is Lily Tucker Pritchett. Right.

Not Tucker-hyphen-Pritchett like it's supposed to be.

First name, Lily. Middle name, Tucker. Last name, Pritchett.

Well, that can't be right. This is a legal document.

She only has your last name. My name's just a middle name.

Stay calm. Don't get upset. Nobody knows anyone's middle name.

Quick. What's my middle name? Scott.

Of course you know mine. We're a couple. This is obviously a mistake.

But you're the one who filled out this paperwork.

You don't make mistakes like this. You correct mistakes like this.

You did this on purpose.


You buried my name so your name could have top billing.

No, I am not gonna sit here and listen to you accuse me of something so horrible.

It makes so much sense now... why you wanted to fill out all these legal forms.

Well, I'm a lawyer. I fill out all the legal forms... ever since you signed up for a 12-year gym membership.

The more you spend, the more you save.

All the women at work were too busy to use the certificates.

So I called the spa and asked them to extend the expiration date.

But they said no. Really?

Here's something they didn't count on:

You mess with Phil Dunphy, the claws come out.

You have very nice hands. Soft like lady's.

Thank you, Kim. I appreciate that.

My wife never seems to notice.

This is it. Ta-da!

What is "ta-da"?

I'm just saying this is it. Ta-da.

"Ta-da" is when you do a flip... or where the magician cuts the pretty lady in half... not when you show someone where you want to shove their dead body.

I'm not gonna argue the proper use of "ta-da." This is it.

Seriously? In the file cabinet?

It's called a crypt. And how are you not getting how great this is?

We're four down from Bugsy Siegel.

No. I'm not going into any wall. I'm going in the ground.

Sorry. Not me. There's enough not to like about death without adding dirt and worms.

The whole thing gives me the willies.

You die, you go to the ground.

It's natural. You go back to the earth.

Here you're just a mushy bag of bones... rotting away for all eternity.

Sorry for your loss.

Can we get the hell out of here?

What am I supposed to tell the guy?

Tell them we don't want our bodies inside these drawers where God cannot find us.

These are not like our drawers at home. People can find things in these.

I'm thinking of getting bangs.

Ooh, you totally should. You would be so cute with bangs.

You have the face for it. I don't.

Oh, there's my better half. Kim, would you mind?

Thank you. You're welcome.

Hey, honey, where are you? Oh, I'm on my way to Downey.

Oh. Did you know Karen and Richard Carpenter grew up in Downey?

What a random and not helpful fact, Phil.

I'm sorry. I'm having kind of a rough day.

Yeah, I'm kind of having a rough day myself.

Look, Phil, I need you to take care of dinner for me.

What's wrong? Alex ripped Haley's favorite sweater... and now I'm driving around from store to store... trying to find the exact same one before Haley finds out.

Don't do that. Just explain to her what happened.

Uh-uh. Haley's not gonna understand. Sure, she will.

No, Phil, you don't understand.

I'm trying to avoid this turning into a whole big thing.

Then just get her something close. She'll never know the difference.

Phil, could you just take care of dinner, sweetie? That's all I'm asking.

I'm just saying there's a simpler way to do this.

There is no simpler way. Just make dinner. Thank you.



Mr. Pritchett!

We're the Rutledges, the ones selling the spots.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, my gosh. Look, honey.

I hadn't heard.

Martin is in.

Well, look at that. I'm sorry. Is that a friend of yours?

We've made a point to get to know everyone in the neighborhood.

We think it makes it less awkward, you know, later.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is my wife, Gloria.


I'm Ed, and this is my bunk.

And this is my loving wife and devoted mother of three, Winnie.

She'll be here. Well, I don't know what our lineup is yet.

But at home I sleep on the right side, so probably there.

We don't mean to be rude, but you seem to be much younger than your husband.

You're not rude. I'm very much younger. Is that a problem?

Well, it's just that there's a good chance... you'll be moving in long before she would.

Our concern is, your wife remarries... and she wants to be laid to rest with her new husband.

So she sells this spot to the highest bidder.

And we're left lying next to a complete stranger... without even so much as a formal "how do you do?"

Gloria, tell them you're in.

I don't know, Jay.

I think they have a very good point.

And they're not crazy at all.

What do you mean they have a good point?

I don't think this is going to work.

Good luck getting someone into your drawers.

It occurs to me that I may have gotten a little too upset... and jumped to some conclusions that were perhaps not true.

I realize now... that you would never intentionally do something so unthinkable, so...

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for accusing you.

I did it. I knew it. You two-faced...

Let me explain. There... There is no explanation.

There is just no excuse. I just wanna know why.

Okay. You know how some women say they forget how painful childbirth was?

Well, I-I think that you were forgetting how panicked you were before we got Lily.

You were freaking out. I was not.

So it says that we can put the mattress at one of three different levels.

Which one should we do? I don't know.

Well, just think about how far down she should be...

I don't know. I can't do this!

Okay. Oh, this latch system's great.

What did people do before this? I don't know. Stop asking me questions.

Cam... I can't do this. I can't.

Well, I... I don't see what that has to do with anything.

I was scared that it was just gonna all be too much for you... and that you were gonna leave... and then I would be the one taking care of a baby... and half of her last name would belong to the guy who left us.

It was a mistake. I'm sorry.

I wanted to have it changed, but I needed to get your signature... and I was afraid that it would start a big fight and that you would hate me...

Okay, I'm confused. You're saying that if she tells me she has a problem...

I'm not supposed to help her? Not unless she asks for your help.

But if she lets me help her, I can make her problem go away.

Oh! That is such a male thing to say.

Well, forgive me for being a man. Mm.

Mango or kiwi? Ooh, kiwi.

When you say, "Do this or do that"... all she's hearing is, "I'm smarter than you."

Believe me, she doesn't think that. Mm.

She doesn't want you to solve her problems.

She just wants you to give her support... so that she can solve her problems herself.

Yes, and sometimes... sometimes she just wants a sympathetic ear.

Whoa. Whoa. Oh, yes. - Mm-hmm.

Maybe it's all the creams, but that just made sense, girlfriends.

Okay, yeah. So if Claire says...

"I hate getting stuck in traffic"...

I shouldn't say, "Maybe you should leave earlier."

No. Or, "Don't get on the freeway."

I should just say, "I know. It's so frustrating."

Yes, that's it. Really? - Yes!

And if she says, "The waiter I had today was so rude"...

I shouldn't say, "Maybe you should have just ordered... something on the menu for once." No.

I should just say, "What a jerk."

Yes! Yes!

And if she says, "Phil, the TV's driving me crazy"...

I should just say, "I know. There is not enough quality programming for women."

No. Turn off the damn TV. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Okay, now I'm confused again.

So I heard you had a rough time today. Yeah, well...

Remember the days when we thought we'd live forever?

Don't you wanna go play? When do I ever play?

I'm kind of wrestling with this whole older man, younger woman thing.

It's like Chloe and I grew up in different worlds.

Today I made a joke about the Wiggles. It went right over her head.

I don't know what that is. It's an expression. It means she didn't get it.

Yeah, sometimes this age thing knocks you in the head.

Is that what this is about?

I always knew your mother might remarry after I'm gone. That never bothered me.

I figured her husbands would be your dad, me... and some putz who could never live up to me.

But what if I'm not the main guy?

What if some other guy is? What if I'm the putz?

When my mom and dad got divorced... do you have any idea how many guys chased after her?

The phone didn't stop ringing.

Men would stop her on the street.

Guys would propose to her from moving cars.

And they were good-looking guys, Jay, with money.

I think one of them was a Kennedy. Where are you going with this?

When you showed up, I didn't think you had a prayer.

You were so nervous and sweaty, I felt sorry for you.

I had to climb three flights of stairs.

But of all people, my mom fell for you. I've got a few moves.

She said she fell in love with you during your first fight.

What? She said she'd finally met her match.


So if you think she's just gonna replace you when you're gone... then you are the putz.

Thanks, kid. I appreciate that.

I thought you liked me when I first showed up. Please.

For the first month, I didn't even bother to learn your name.

Is she back yet? She's on her way.

Did you find it? I did... at the fifth store I went to.

It was in the window, and I had to undress a mannequin while a creepy guy filmed it... so we have that to look forward to on the Internet.

Thank you so much, Mom. You're welcome.

Now go put that exactly where you found the other one, okay?

Okay. Mwah.


What? The security tag, it's still on.

I told those people to take that off.

Oh, no. She's pulling into the driveway!

Okay, it's fine. It's fine. Don't panic. I've got it.

She's getting out of the car! I am doing it.

I've almost got it. Oh, God. Oh, no.

What is that? Well, it's ink.

Hide it.

She's in the house!

What are you doing with my sweater? Oh, my God! It's ruined!

It was an accident. I knew this would happen. You idiot!

Hey, hey. Let's try to get along.

I wish she was never even born.

They were trying to make one with a brain.

Ah! Ah!

Honey, you guys are both... pretty smart.

Ah. Sheesh.

It's that sweater, huh?

Yeah, it is that sweater.

And I did everything I can to stop them from fighting.

I don't understand why they can't see how much you love them.

I don't know. Meanwhile, Cheryl has been calling me all day... because she's angry I didn't show up.

Doesn't Cheryl have a housekeeper and a nanny? Why does she need so much help?

I know, right?

You work so hard.

You do so much.

I do.

Of course you do. I do.

I do.

Oh, sweetie, thank you. I really appreciate that.

Hey. Yeah?

Who's my gal?

I am. Darn right.


Let me get this.

Hey, by the way, do you notice anything different about me?



Hmm. What is it?


A haircut. A week ago.

Okay, so tell me.

Forget it. It's not important.

Okay. I'll just go start dinner.

Listen, I've been thinking.

When I go, I want you to know... it's okay if you marry someone else.

I know.

Because I want you to be happy. I'll be happy.

You're driving me crazy on purpose, right?

Jay, I'm not going to marry anyone else.

That's what you say now. But no one knows what the future holds.

So I want you to have this.

Ay, look at this.

An empty coffee can.

Do you know what men used to buy me?

When I go, toss me in the fire... sweep up my ashes, stick 'em in that.


We need to talk about this "ta-da."

'Cause I don't care if it's in a wall or if it's in the ground... just as long as I end up with you.

Aw, Jay.

It's perfect. Jay Pritchett sitting on the mantel... in the old coffee can.

That will drive the putz crazy, and I like that.


Um, so for whatever it's worth...

I called the adoption attorney... adoption, yay... and on Monday they're gonna start the process... of changing Lily's last name to Tucker-Pritchett.


Again, I'm... I'm so sorry.


Um... Oh, I, uh...

I took a quick pass at "Two Monkeys and a Panda."

So just let me know what you think.

"Once upon a time there were two monkeys.

They loved each other very much, but there was something missing."

A hyphen?

"They wanted a baby.

And they heard that there was a very special baby in a faraway land... who needed a family.

She was a panda named Lily.

One of the monkeys was scared.

They'd never had a panda before.

But they held Lily in their arms... and the scared monkey became the brave one.

And the two monkeys"... Coco and Miko.

I'm sorry. What? Coco and Miko are the names of the monkeys.

Really? That doesn't seem like it's a little...

Coco and Miko. I like that. I like that.

Coco and Miko. Yeah.

"They traveled all the way home with the perfect panda that they adopted."

Did she just clap? She heard "adopted" and clapped.

Cam, that's amazing.

Oh, my God. You did that.

Wha... You did that. That is amazing.

I can't believe that.

And just like that, peace returned to our house.

Well, technically, it's my house, but...

I-I will... I will fix that too.

Once we finished writing the book, we realized something.

Once we finished writing the book, we realized something.

We're not the only two monkeys with a panda.

Gay parents are a huge market, and no one's writing for them.

We thought we were sitting on a gold mine.

But we weren't.

Let's see. Oh.

"Gay Parenting." Oh.

"Gay Adoptive Parenting." Okay.

"Gay Adoption Foreign Children." Wow.

"Gay Adoption Asian Children." What?

"Bisexual Adoption Asian Children." Oh!

"Transgendered Adoption."

Okay, come on. Let's go, Miko.