Modern Family S2E4 Script

Strangers on a Treadmill (2010)

Oh, my gosh, that is so freakin' funny.

I know, right? What?

Dad just wrote another classic one.

Oh. Tell her.

I don't know about classic, but... here we go.

"If you're looking for a two-story house, I'm your man.

I'll tell you one story before you buy it... and then another story after."

No, you didn't.

Tonight is the SCARB.

The Southern California Annual Realtor's Banquet.

I think they know what it is. Mm-hmm.

It's the mother of all residential real estate banquets.

Now, for the last five years Gil Thorpe has hosted... but, as luck would have it... he's having a sketchy-looking polyp removed... so they've asked me to fill in.

See what I did? Oh, yeah.

Fill. You think I should open with that? I... You betcha. You should.

Phil is gonna bomb.

It's not that he's not fun.

He is so fun. He's just not funny.

It's probably my fault, because I laugh at all of his jokes.

With my mouth... not with my eyes.

"I see the great Realtor Margaret Wilson is here... looking more curvaceous than ever.

Talk about your balloon payments."

Gloria, do we have to keep this Colombia-Brazil soccer game?

Yes. I haven't seen it yet.

It's been sitting in there for five months.

I mean, I can tell you who wins.

What about this two-hour Antiques Roadshow?

I'll watch it today.

Fine. I'm gonna play some golf.

No. What about Mirabel's daughter's quinceañera?

I honestly didn't get any of that.

Mirabel? She works for you?


Her daughter, Rosalba, is celebrating her quinceañera... her 15th birthday.

She invited us.

You're just going to ignore it. Of course not.

I get this all the time.

I throw it on my secretary's desk, and she sends them an Omaha Steak.

Ay, Jay. What?

Manny's right.

The quinceañera is very important in the Latin culture.

The moment the father dances with his little princess.

Ay. I remember my own father holding my hand.

There wasn't a dry eye in the cartel.

But these people don't want me there.

See, they're just being polite. I'm the boss.

That's what you tell yourself so you can stay above them.

You just throw them an Obama Steak and run to the golf course.

I'm not trying to stay above them.

I just don't think I have to go all arriba, arriba with them.

'Cause you're better than them? No. Of course not.

I mean, I'm better than some of them.

Do you even know these people, Jay? Hmm?

Or they're just the backs you step on?

I know you like to make me out as an elitist... but the truth is, I'm close with these people.

Then prove it. Let's go to the party.

Fine. One hour. You drive.

'Cause I don't wanna give my valet ticket to the wrong guy, have you all over me.

Ay, Jay.

Where do you keep popping out from?

So Cam has started working out again, which is...

It's-it's great.

He's feeling good about himself... and I want him to be healthy, so it is all good.

Except for one thing. Knock, knock.

Look who's there.

Maybe there's a person in this world who looks good in bike shorts... but my boyfriend is not that person.

And I can't tell him because he gets incredibly sensitive... about even the tiniest comment concerning his physique.

Hey, I think I'm gonna take this spin class tomorrow morning.

Oh, sure.

Oh, I get it. Message received.

I didn't say anything!

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪.

Okay, can't you just run like a normal person?

What? It's troga. It's what?

You never heard of troga? I hate it when you do that.

What? "You never heard of troga?"

"You never tried octopus?"

"You've never done this amazing thing I just discovered yesterday... but I pretend like I've done my whole life?"

So troga is treadmill yoga.

It's de rigueur.

It's de-dorky.

What is your deal today?

I'm sorry.

Phil is hosting that thing tonight, and he's been writing jokes.

Ooh, yikes. I know.

And I'm worried he's gonna humiliate himself in front of all those important people.

I can't say anything because... No. No.

I get it. I get it.

Because it would hurt him even more coming from you. Yeah.

I'm kinda going through something similar with Cam right now.

Why? He's started exercising again.

That's good for him. Yeah. He's wearing bike shorts.

That's bad for you.

And I'm the last person who could say anything because he...

No. Okay, wait. No, no, all right...

You know the movie Strangers on a Train?

I never saw it. You've never seen Strangers on a...

I'm sorry. Great film.

But it's these guys who both discover that they want someone out of their lives.

Uh-huh. So one of the guys proposes the perfect crime.

They will do each ether's murders.

We should do that.

All right, so I would tell Cam to lose the bike shorts?

Keeping me out of it.

And I tell Phil to lose the jokes.

I like it. I'm in.

All right. I am in.

Hey, Mackenzie, s'up? It's Alex.

Hey, so, I was thinking later we...

Oh, no. Whatever you want.

Call me later, or I'll call you later or...

So who's Mackenzie?

You don't know her.

Oh, I know Mackenzie... Cute, popular.

I am Mackenzie. I invented Mackenzie.

And the way she's making my sister run around...

It's kinda funny, but I can't have it.

It's bad for the family.

What are you doing? I was about to call...

Mackenzie? Yeah, I know. Now shut up and let me help you.

The world is divided into two groups:

Cool girls and girls like you.

And you have been given a rare opportunity... to move from the former to the latter.

The latter to the former. Whatever.

Oh, my God, you're such a geek.

Now, do you want to be smart, or do you want to be popular?

I think I wanna be popular.

Of course you do.

You just can't be so obvious about it.

You've given Mackenzie way too much power... and you need to take some of that power back.

It's her.

Give me the phone. Here's what you're gonna say.

"Hey, Mackenzie. I'm busy. Call me back later."

Then you hang up. No way.

Then you're not getting the phone back.

Just give it to me. "Hey, Mackenzie. I'm busy. Call me back later."

Then you hang up. I can't.

Do it. No!

Do it! Okay!

Damn you!

Hey, Mackenzie. I'm busy. Call me back later.

That was hard.

If it was easy, everyone would be popular.

Knock, knock.

Knock, knock.

Come on in. It's open.

Hey. I just wanted to drop off these old baby clothes for Lily.

Oh, that's right. You're so sweet.

I hope I didn't come at a bad time. Not at all.

I was just deciding where to take Lily for our bike ride... the lake or the park.

I'm leaning towards the park.

I can see that.

You didn't have to do that.

You guys are a touch o' class.

Well, it is a big night for you, so...

French. Those guys.

So have you given any thought to what you might say?

Actually, I'm trying not to think about my act right now.

I'm kinda fighting the old butterflies, to be honest. Oh, come on.

That's normal. I hear the Jonas Brothers get scared before every concert.

Not Kevin? The guy's a rock.

Especially Kevin.

Ugh! I can't believe I ever bought this for Alex.

I wish somebody had said something.

Oh, come on. That was probably cute 10 years ago.

No. No, it never was.

And you know, I'm the exact same way about my clothes.

Most of the time, great, but every now and again... there's that one outfit I just wish somebody would be honest with me and say...

"What you're wearing isn't appropriate."

Do you know what I mean?

I think I do, Claire. I think I do. Mm-hmm.

And my answer is yes. Okay.

I would love to dress you.

No, I don't want you to dress me.

No. And I owe it to you to be honest... so I'm just gonna say that you need to lose the bicycle shorts.

Excuse me? They're not working for you, Cam.

Please don't take this personally.

I mean, nobody looks good in bike shorts.

I just... I feel that I owe it to you to be honest.

So, we're good, right?

We're great. We're great.

We're great. Great. Okay.


You should probably just show yourself out.

I hear some crying down the hallway.

Look at that... That's a good dad, because you've got a baby... and you hear every little sound.

I would've... I wouldn't have even noticed... crying.

No. Okay. All right. All you need to know about this one... is that Skip Woosnum is a well-known Realtor... Mm-hmm.

And he's old. Got it.

Skip Woosnum, Realtor, old. Here we go.

I'm not saying Realtor Skip Woosnum is old... but the first property he ever sold... was a cave.

You're not, uh... not laughing.

Why aren't you laughing, Uncle Mitchell?

Because he doesn't think it's funny. Or maybe you don't think I'm funny.

Is that what you're saying, Mitch? No, it's...

I just got it.

Oh, my. That's... Oh.


Yes. Yes. That one's kind of a thinker.


Here he is.

All right, now. Knock it off, Jay.

You don't know anyone's name here. Are you kidding me?


Lucky guess.

I'm lucky only one turned around.

Listen, I need a favor.

I overestimated the number of people I know at this party.

So you go around, introduce yourself, and I'll hear the names.

You realize you're asking me to help prove my own mother wrong?

I'll pay two bucks per introduction.

All right, that's Ramona. She's crazy for bingo. Ramona.

Gloria. Stop being such a snob.

Come over and meet my friend Julio and his wife.

I'm sorry. Your name again? ¿Qué?

I think you're really gonna hit it off with Kay.


She's gonna tell me how to dress?

She oughta stick to things she knows more about... like overcooking salmon. Okay, wait.

She actually said that you don't look good in bicycle shorts.


You don't look good in bicycle shorts.


Oh, and here she is. Okay, you know what? I can't be here.

I'm going out for air. Yes. Yes. Go.

This could get ugly.

Hello, Claire.

You are a gutless weasel.

Oh, yeah, no, I heard what you said to my boyfriend.

You told Phil he was hysterical.

You said he was this generation's Richard Pryor.

Well, I am not the one that you need to apologize to.

What are you babbling about? You owe me a murder.

Okay, Claire, I couldn't do it.

I couldn't crush Phil's dreams.

We had a deal. I told Cam about the bike shorts.

No. No.

The deal was to get Cam to take off the bike shorts.

But guess what? He is still in the stupid bike shorts.

Can I call you back?

Turns out Cam was here the whole time, and he just heard everything I said.

Oh. Did he just run into the bedroom and cry?

Yes, 'cause that's what all gay men do.

We all dissolve into...

Yes, that is what he did.

There are challenging moments in every marriage.

Um, having to tell your husband that he's not funny... so that he won't humiliate himself, has to be one of the toughest.

So I went a different way.

Stop talking.

I just need some time for this wound to become a scar.

I'm sorry I got Claire involved, but... and this is not a criticism... but sometimes you can be a little sensitive about your appearance.

Well, this is a criticism.

Sometimes you can be insensitive about everything.

Oh, my... Cam, I just feel like our relationship's strong enough... to survive a little candor.

Look, you could tell me if there's something about me you'd like to change.

I hate your beard.

Wow. Well, you had that bullet in the chamber.

I never said anything because I never wanted to hurt you... but I've always found your beard off-putting.

See? Hurts.


Mitchell, get back here!

What are you doing?

I'm shaving off the beard. Seriously?

Yeah. The man I love doesn't like it, so off it goes.

Well, good. Good.

Great. Great. Okay.

One, two, three...


The fact that you're willing to do it is enough for me.

I love your beard.

I love that when you drink cappuccino you get foam in it... and when you're nervous your little hairs twitch.

You couldn't have told me before I took a notch out?

I'm sorry. L-I...

Listen, I know...

I can be touchy about... this... but you're this amazing-looking guy and...

I am not amazing...

Uh, really? I wouldn't change anything.


You should know that every day I wake up... very grateful to have you in my life.

I'm the one who got lucky, handsome.

Maybe I just don't show it enough.

You can make it up to me by doing my shoulders.


I meant a massage. What are you saying?

Oh, Mitchell. Mitchell.

It's Mackenzie. Again.

She wants me to come to this party she's throwing. She texted me earlier.

You texted her back, right? No.

Wow. I'm... proud?

Tell her you'll try and come... Right.

And then when she says... Haley, I got this.


Who's this?


No, I didn't see it. I get a lot of texts.

I have a sister.

When's the party?

I'll try and come.

You know, I'm kinda busy. I have a life.

You know, stuff. Homework.


I mean not homework... It's not work if you love it.

Oh, God. Hang up, hang up. Shut up!

Not you, Mackenzie. Drop the phone and kick it over here.

Um, I have to go. I'll call you later...

Or you call me later.

Love you.

They were right in here. I know, and we looked everywhere, honey.

They were right in here. I know, and we looked everywhere, honey.

So, just calm down.

Are you kidding me? Calm down?

In one minute I'm gonna be standing up there like... like a...

Oh my God, I have no material at all. Okay.

You're gonna be fine. You don't need jokes.

Listen to me. Honey, get up there, be your charming self.

Make the introductions from your heart and get out.

...Realtors' Banquet. You're gonna be amazing.

And now your host, Phil Dunphy. Okay?

Go. Go.

Good evening.

I would not be here tonight if not for the hard work of the SCARB board of trustees...

I didn't have my jokes.

What choice does a guy have but to play it straight?

...The support of my family... and Gil Thorpe's colon.

But Phil Dunphy is no straight guy.

So many giants of residential real estate here tonight.

And of course, J.J. McCubbin.

I'm not saying J.J. is small... but in the realty section, he was described as "charming."

Mark Simon, you out there?

There's Mark. How are you, buddy?

Mark recently moved into a new model.

How are you, Francine?

I kid Mark Simon. I kid Mark Simon. He knows...

Francito, Little Manuel and Carlos, my wife, Gloria.

Nice to meet you.

We have to talk. Un memento.

You know, I can't believe you never met them.

You've never met any of these people.

You don't know anyone in this room.

Vámonos, Jay. I'm not leaving before the father/daughter dance.

And "these people," as you call them, are not just employees.

They're mi familia, or my family.

I know what mi familia is, Jay.

Oh, I was afraid of this.

Hold this for me. No, Jay. No.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much.

I'm gonna make this brief.

I know a lot of you out there don't even know who I am.

As my lovely wife, Gloria, pointed out, that's my fault, not yours.

I'm Jay Pritchett... el jefe.

Listen, on this very, very happy occasion...

I'd like to pick up the tab on the bar.

Thank you.

You know, when I started this company... ♪♪ the first thing that I... What?

Oh, right. Right. This is not about me.

This is about a very special young lady... and the man who loves her more than anyone else on earth.

Isn't that lovely?

That's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

You know, I'm reminded of when I used to dance with my little girl.

But not like that.

Slow down there, muchacho.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What? Are you applauding this?

You're applauding this?

I don't care what kind of tradition this is.

This is gonna stop.

Hey, hey, hey. No. Por favor.

What? Am I the only one seeing this? Vamos, vamos, vamos.

I mean, honey, I am not kidding when I tell you... there was a woman next to me gasping for breath.

Seriously, you were so freaking funny, Phil.

I have seen professional comedians who could never have done that.

You were unbeliev...

I know it was you, Claire.

You stole my index cards.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I thought I was protecting you... and if my plan had been successful...

I would have robbed you of the greatest night ever.

I'm sorry. I'm awful.

You're not awful. Mm-hmm.


I love that you're looking out for me... and I know why you worry about me... but I knew I had this tonight.

I know.

Sometimes I just think my job is to make sure... you guys don't fall on your faces.

That's a hard job in the Dunphy house.

We fall a lot. I know.

Maybe your real job is to be the person who picks us back up.

Nobody does that better than you. Thank you.


I have no friends.

You're on the clock. Mmm.

All right.

What happened?

Oh my gosh, Mom, you're killing me.

It's pretty good, right?

Pretty good? You could be, like, in Vegas.

Well... I don't know. What's going on there?

Mom does the funniest impression... of that weird lady at the supermarket.

Oh, yeah, I know her. Let's hear it.

Okay. Um...

"It's cheaper if you buy two jars of pickles."

It's like she's right here. Yeah.

Totally like she's right here. Yeah.

It's not what she sounds like.