Modern Family S2E7 Script

Chirp (2010)

What are you doing? Shush. Shush.

One of the smoke alarms is chirping.

I'm trying to figure out which one it is so I can change the battery.

Well, if anybody can find it... it's you.

You sound horrible.

Why don't, uh... Why don't you go back to bed?

'Cause I've got too much to do.

I've gotta make the ladyfingers for the bake sale... and I've gotta go by the gym.

I left my phone there yesterday. I'll do all of that.

We're a team. When one of us is weak, we lean on the other.

Honey, you don't have to do that stuff.

Honey, with all you do for me... including going to the gym four times a week to keep me interested...

I got this.

Don't you have houses to show today?

They... canceled.

Oh, pumpkin.

Are you kidding me? It's lucky.

This way I get to stay here and take care of you.


Hey. Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Dunphy. Is Haley ready for school?

She's on her way down. Don't get too close to my wife.

Haley told you about that? It was just a dream.

Oh, God.

Okay, that came from the kitchen. I thought it was in here.

Really? Okay, you wait in here and listen for it.

I'm gonna wait in there.

I mean, it's the least I can do after... Well, you know.

I'm coming with you.

Boy, I wish Haley would date some other boys.

What's that you say, Mrs. Robinson?


I just feel like she owes it to herself to see what else is out there.

The way that Dylan's always hanging around here... he's probably going to try to marry her the second she turns 18.

Hey, you never know. Maybe those two are meant to be together...

Like we were.

Honey, Haley and Dylan are not us.

No, I think that amount will be fine.

I'm just happy you want Lily.

I think you're going to be very happy with her.


Cam, did you just sell our baby?

No, but do you remember that agent we met that represents child actors... the one who said Lily might have what it takes and gave us his card?

That I threw away. That I fished out of the trash.

That was him on the phone.

They're shooting a children's furniture store commercial today... and they want Lily.

Look, I threw away that card for a reason.

Come on. It'll be fun. And Lily'll be on TV.

And we can put the money in her college account.

No. Let's just let our daughter have a normal childhood, huh?

I think that gay cruise has sailed.

It's just one commercial.

I don't like it. No. No.

Oh, what? So that's it?

You're the parent with final say? Why is that?

Because you make the money? It's not about that, and you know it.

I wouldn't expect you to understand us. You're not theater folk.

And neither are you. You did Godspell one summer in a barn.

You're barn folk.

Get used to that jealousy, Lily.

Ordinary people just don't understand us.

Dennis to Shipping and Receiving.

Hola, Jack.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Manny had a doctor's appointment so we're gonna catch lunch with Jay.

Is he there? Yeah, he's in back.

Good day, Jackson. Good day, Manuel.

I see you're still forklifting. More like lifting the fork.

Man. I was gonna say that joke.

I'm sorry, but I gotta have lunch with my wife today.

I know, baby, but I had to marry her so she could stay in the country.

Oh, no.

Where am I gonna find another husband that wears sweatpants to work?

Resort wear. Mm-hmm. Maybe last resort.

I'm glad you guys stopped by for lunch, 'cause you know what?

I gotta work a little late tonight. Oh, not tonight.

Did you forget our date?

No. No. I was kidding.

I had no idea what she was talking about.

Gloria, God love her... likes to celebrate every possible milestone in our relationship... the day we met... our first date... which I forgot, so we got in a big fight.

Now we commemorate the big fight.

I thought we could recreate the date.

Do everything that we did the first time. So romantic.

You know, that's exactly what I was thinking.

Ay, Jack is so nice.

I think he really likes Manny.

What he likes is getting out of work.

Wait a minute... Is that Manny driving? Is it?

Yeah, that's him.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪.

Ay, my poor papi...

Two doctors in one day. Mom, I'm fine.

The hospital said I could go back to school.

No. You suffered a traumatic experience.

I barely remember it.

I remember crashing through the wall... and the ambulance ride to the hospital.

That wasn't an ambulance. I drove you.

Then what was that siren? That was your mother.

I was not that loud. Cars pulled over, honey.

Jay, I'm sorry about your wall. Wasn't your fault.

It was Jack's, and I've already taken care of him.

You kill him? Can't kill people here. I fired him.

But it was just an accident. He didn't mean it.

Guy's a screw-up. Should've been gone months ago.

Can't we just give him another chance? What is this "we"?

Let me explain something to you people.

Here in this family, it's "we." At work, it's "me."

My rules, my decisions. Period.

That's not fair.

You mad at me too? No. You're right.

It's your work.

Besides, I can't be mad at you, not on our special day.

Honey, I was thinking.

With what happened to Manny... maybe we'd better postpone our special day until next weekend.

No, next weekend is the anniversary... of the first time that I cooked for you.

Jesse, I'm sorry.

How you doin', Typhoid Clairey?

Hey, what are you doing home?

She caught your cold and had to come home.

I thought we should contain you two and keep it from spreading through the house.

Come here. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. Ohh.

Hey, did you finish my ladyfingers? Not yet.

Did you pick up my phone? Not yet.

Is that the smoke detector? I thought you fixed that.

Boy, you're really starting to sound like your old self. - Ugh.

You know what this reminds me of? Huh?

When you were little and we used to snuggle and watch soap operas together.

Remember that? Nothing's changed.

Sonya's still married to that guy with the...

Wait a second. Bad hairline.

Dylan? Okay.

God, I miss you too.

Oh, it's just a cold, silly.

You don't have to conceive of a world without me.

Oh, nothing. I'm just in bed with my mom.

Stop freaking out. It is not coming true.

Uh, Mrs. Vaughn, it's Phil Dunphy. It's about 3:30.

Uh, now, I know you said you'd moved on... but, um, there's been a significant price reduction... in the, uh, house in Sullivan Canyon, which I know you loved.

So, uh, if there's any chance you might reconsider...

I know you will not be sorry.

I can meet you any time, so just give me a call.

Any... Any time. I can meet you wherever... that place is that you feel would be best.

Okay, thank you. Bye.

Dad? Hey, buddy.

How are you? What are you doing?

Keeping the germs off me.

You care about germs? I've seen you kiss a pigeon on the mouth.

My class is going to Disneyland in two days.

I can't get Mom's cold.

Oh. Good plan.

I remember this. My dad bought it during the Cuban Missile Crisis.

I never got a turn in that. You think later I could... Yeah, maybe.

What are you doing home in the afternoon?

Oh, no big deal. I just had a couple of showings fall through.

Again? You know what I always say.

Sure do. "Can't get back on that horse unless you fall off."

That's right. Ow. That's loud.


Where is that coming from?

Changing the battery in a smoke detector is what they teach you in Man 101... so, of course, every time I hear that noise, all I hear is...

"Beep, beep. You're not a man. Beep, beep. You're not"...


Hey, Dad, can you open this for me?

Oh, sure, buddy.

Ow. Mmm.

What happened? Broke a nail.

Mitchell, what's up? What do you mean?

You just sent me an urgent text saying to come right over.

That was from me. I used Jay's phone.

Oh, what happened to your face?

Oh, just a little scrape-up.

Mitchell, I'd like to engage your legal services... in representing my friend Jack in a wrongful termination suit.

Forget it. He's not coming back.

Don't take the case, Mitchell.

I don't think I was gonna take the case.

Fine. Then under the circumstances, we have nothing further to talk about.

These will be my last words to you.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Okay, you got me.

I hope you feel clever tricking a kid.

Hello, Mitch. Hi, Gloria.

My God. Congratulations.

Hmm? On what? Lily's commercial.

Oh no, no. We turned that down. Are you sure?

Because Cam sent me a picture of her in her makeup chair.

Sorry. He what? It's so exciting.

You have to remember this day so that you can celebrate it every year.

Okay, folks, we're about 10 minutes from shooting.

Is talent ready? Yes, she sure is.

Did you hear that, Lily? You're the talent.

Isn't that magical?

Ooh. Grapes.

Mmm. And that is a prop.

Okay, we really gotta hang up this time. On the count of three.

Ready? One, two, three.

Hello? I can't believe he hung up.

I'm calling him back. Give me that.

How the hell did you get through that?

Oh, my God, is that Jesse?

Mm-hmm. And he's still married to Angie.

You know something else you might find interesting...

Sonya is drinking because she married a buffoon when she was young... and now she realizes she's wasted her entire life.

Can you imagine making a mistake like that?

Yeah, that must be horrible.

Yeah, now she's just a bitter ghost of a woman filled with resentment.

But that's what happens when you commit to someone before you see what else is out there.


She couldn't have laid it on thicker.

"Ghost of a woman"? "Total buffoon"?

I'm not an idiot.

She was talking about her and my dad.

Yeah, well, maybe Sonya and her husband just need to work a little harder.

Can he give her those years back?

She could have been something.

She could have traveled the world, been with fascinating men.

She could have accomplished things.

That's all she thinks about now... every time she looks at him.

Ah! Ow.

Is that Mom's apron?

It's an apron. It's unisex.

Some of the world's greatest chefs are men.

But it's bumped out where the boobs go.

That's happening more and more.

Hadn't noticed.

Mrs. Vaughn. Thanks for calling back.

Yeah, I was just about to, uh...

I see. Is there anything I can say that will...

All right. Thank you very much, and if...

Oh. Okay. Good-bye.

Did you lose another one?

Hey. Can't lose something you never had, right, pal?

That was the doorbell, Dad. Yeah. I know.

So what happens if people stop buying houses?

Are we all gonna have to get jobs?

It's just a little slump, buddy. Nothing I can't handle.

Hi. I'm Ron. I work out with Claire at the gym.

Oh, yeah. Come on in.

I brought her phone back. She forgot it yesterday. Great. Thanks.

I'm Phil, Claire's husband. Oh.

Uh, Claire never mentioned she had a husband.

Nice to meet you. You too.

Oh, sorry! I burnt my ladyfingers.

So quiet.

It's like Christian Silence Reading Room.

I'm fine. So am I.

Okay, my two stubborn burros, I'm going out.

Manny, be a good boy.

Jay, I'll see you later.

I think you know where.


You know what I was just thinking?

You know how when people are in love... sometimes they finish each ether's sentences?

Like, um... tonight we're going to...

Have fun. Yes.

When we get to...

Gether later.

You have no idea where you're going, do you?

Tell me. Hire Jack back.

Forget it. Your funeral.

Okay, Lily, Daddy's going to be right over here. Okay.

Oh, and, um, by the way, if it helps...

I have a list of things Lily can do.

She can blow a kiss, flap her arms like a bird...

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind. Okay.

Cam. Cam. How did you get on the set?

I walked on. It's not MGM. It's a warehouse behind a mattress store.

I can't believe you went behind my back. We agreed...

We didn't agree on anything. You agreed.

We don't have to agree on everything.

I didn't like the book you bought her last week... but I didn't stop you from reading it to her. What was wrong with it?

How was it a big day for Biscuit, Mitchell? How?

Okay, this isn't about Biscuit.

I know. It's about our daughter, Lily.

No, you want the truth? I think it's about you, Cam.

I think you're using our daughter to fulfill some childhood dream of yours.

Okay, parents, we're ready to start rolling.

Now, while we're doing the shoot...

Jim and Deb here will do the kids' voice-overs into the mic.

Kinda like Look Who's Talking.

Oh. That's right.

There are a lot of important people here so I'm not gonna get mad... but I resent the implication that I would do anything... that's not in the best interest of our daughter.

Okay, let's try a take. And... action.

Oh, no! We are lost in a city of high furniture prices.

Oh! Can no one protect us from these high prices?


Lighting problem. One sec.

You can apologize to me any time you're ready.

Are you kidding me? What?

This commercial... It's-it's a big stereotype.

It's called "ironic." No, it...

This is why Lily was perfect. She's Asian.

She's a prop. It's called "niche casting."

Stop telling me what stuff is called.

You're so blinded by the spotlight, you can't see what's really going on here.

Let's go again.

All right, here we go. Let's roll, please.

Action. Oh, no!

We are trapped in a city of high furniture prices.

Oh! Can no one protect us from these high prices?

Look. Over there. Oh!

It's Save-zilla.

He's knocking down prices on everything from bibs to cribs.

Half off on playpens. Ah!

High chairs are low chairs.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Cut. What's the problem?

Don't you think this commercial just might be the teeniest bit racist?

I mean, "Save-zilla"?

It's not racist. It's satire.

No, I know, but maybe we could just tone it down a bit.

Maybe not hit the accent so hard?

This is the commercial you agreed to.

Yeah, well, I know. I just...

I can't let my daughter do this. We had an agreement.

Well, I also have the best attorney in town, so do your worst.

And by the way, Lily is Vietnamese, not Japanese.

There's a big difference, but you wouldn't know that... because you're only interested in seeing these children... as interchangeable stereotypes, not human beings.

Come on, Lily. Let's go.


Cam. That's not...

Hi, buddy.

There we go.

Goin' to meet your mother.

Goin' to meet your mother.

Figured it out all by myself.

Two years ago, we got our marriage license.

We went to a little hot dog stand.

She said it was the most romantic meal she ever had in her life.

That's it, isn't it?

Yeah, that's it.

Get this through your head: You can give me the cold shoulder the rest of your life...

Jack's not coming back.

See, I could overlook the goofing off... but you could have been seriously hurt today.

Anybody puts my kid in danger doesn't get a second chance.


I'll see you later.

Did you just call me your kid?

Oh, geez.

You've never said that before. Sure, I have.


Well, of course you're my kid. I mean, what do you think?

You're going to the wrong place. What?

It's not your wedding license.

What is it? First kiss.

No. Just tell me.

I mean your first kiss with my mom.

My God, you're right. Thanks.

The pier. Thanks.

But maybe Sonya didn't make a mistake.

Maybe she just met her soul mate when she was young.

No. No, no, no. That never happens.

See, she threw her life away, and now she wants out.

Okay, let's cut the crap.

We're not talking about some character on a soap opera here, are we?

No. No, we're not.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I don't want to hurt your feelings... but I've been feeling this way for a really long time, and...

Can we be honest with each other?

He's kind of a doofus.

I guess, but...

I thought you liked that about him.

Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. No, I never did.

Believe me, honey, there are many better options out there.

Like who? I don't know.

Off the top of my head... how about that cute guy who delivers the pizzas?

He's, like, 18!


Don't mind me, ladies. This is the last one.

I've changed the batteries in every last smoke detector in the house.

Hey, Dad, I think I found a place online where I can sell this organ.

Can you drive me to the black market?

I think they mean a different kind of organ, buddy.

Sweetie, why are you trying to sell that?

In case things with Dad's job get even worse.

Honestly, I don't know why everybody's making such a big deal.

Everything's fine.

It makes no sense! I changed every one.

I'm gonna call my dad. No. We're not calling anyone.

I can handle this.

Just need the ol' burglar basher.

Is that your college cheerleading baton?

Not when you're on the business end of it.

But Phil...

Oh! Oh, my God.

Guess that one won't be chirping anymore, will it?


Go after him. Oh, no. He just needs to blow off some steam.

How's that for battery?

Mom, like it or not, you made a commitment.

And maybe that doesn't mean anything to you anymore... but you owe it to this family to save your marriage... and give it one more try. What?

End o' the line, Smoky Joe.

Look, Dad may be a doofus, but he is 10 times better than any pizza delivery boy.

Go to him.

Did you... I just detected your ass getting kicked!

Okay. Honey...

Thought I forgot about you, didn't ya?

Nope. Phil, no. Stop.

I gotta stop the damn chirping. This isn't about the noise.

Sweetie, you're having a bad day.

At the end of a bad month. I know.

You know how scary that is, Claire?

No. No, I don't... because you never tell me the bad stuff.

You only share all the good stuff.

Honey, what happened to us being a team?

Right? We're supposed to lean on each other.


I have faith in you.


I must be catching your cold. Mm-hmm.

Okay. You know what?

Let's just get new smoke detectors.

We already changed 'em out last year.

Remember, buddy? You helped me. Sure did.

Wait a minute. What'd you do with the old ones?

You told me to throw them in the garbage... so I put them in the attic to make a robot.

It's the old ones.

The batteries are dying and we can hear 'em through the vents.

You did it, buddy. I'm sorry.

I love you. I love you.

I did that.

Oh. Must be the pizza I ordered.

Oh. Must be the pizza I ordered.

Pizza? You ordered pizza?

Yeah. I was just sort of in the mood, you know?

But we had pizza a couple nights ago.

I know, but I had an urge, and when I get an urge, I get an urge.

Okay. Here, I'll get it. No, sweetie. I've got it.

No, Mom. You're always asking me to do things.

I'll get it. Here. Just sit back, relax...

I'll get the pizza. Don't worry. Get the change.


And I think it's best you don't come around here anymore.